Chapter 22 - How they're threatened when we're free
Took an arrow to the knee
Snapped it off, leaned on a tree
Pray the snow covers my tracks
Pray the frost sweetens the axe
Oh, I knew he'd hunt me down
Stole his girl and took his crown
Oh, he couldn't let us be
How they're threatened when we're free
Kiki Rockwell feat. Judith De Lotharingie, "Arrow to the knee", rel.2023, album: "Arrow to the knee"
"I don't get it." Livia said, biting into an apple, Brad Pitt style. "If you're sho confident you could, why not show me?" She spoke, mouthful.
"Because he is not a toy." Ana said.
"...Agree to disagree." Livia said, wiggling her eyebrows. Ana chuckled.
They separated more often now. It felt curious, to share the same intimacy of conversation and closeness, outside of the shared body.
"Seriously. If you're so sure you can seduce him, show me. "
"Don't fucking tempt me." Ana sighed to Livia. "I could seduce him… or at least try."
"... Now that I would be curious to see." Astarion's voice was smooth like honey.
Ana closed her eyes, and kept them closed. Fuck.
He walked to them so quietly, they didn't even hear him.
They were eating a late supper, looking at the setting sun, resting early today, for tomorrow there would be even more sewers, and then Gortash, bless his black heart. They saved Gondians from the Iron Throne - all but one. They disabled the Steel Watch, and rescued Gondians there, too - all but three survived. It was time to pay a visit to the Bane bitch himself.
"Oooh shit..." Livia whispered, her eyes huge with excitement.
Fuuuuck, Ana thought... Now she had to show off. Sigh.
"Livia."
"Yes."
"Do you mind."
"Of course." The tiefling gracefully slipped off the bench she was sitting on, and walked away from them.
As Livia was leaving Astarion alone with Ana, she thought about the phrase she heard in the other's mind, and used it: homeboy won't know what hit him, will he.
Astarion and Liviana realized both what the duel was: An absolute, uncontested master of seduction, and a practical virgin, who is horny as fuck constantly, but also unable to feel pleasure from being touched sexually. Loser gets knocked down a peg.
Let the games begin.
"So…" Ana started, but he interrupted her.
"Make good on your threats, won't you?" He asked. "Of course… you can always just… kneel in front of me and I promise, I will be seduced." He explained.
"With your balls in my mouth? I am sure you would be." She said.
"Yes… that is exactly… what I meant…" Aaaaand she pushed him out of a rhythm with a single sentence.
"... worse, I would be seduced, too." She said and sighed, appearing resigned, looking somewhere to the left of him, deep in thought. His jaw fell open, because he could feel her legitimate longing for the act, for him: whatever he expected… that wasn't it.
Maybe… don't let your guard down or celebrate your victory just yet, vampire… He thought to himself.
He knew… that frankly: women didn't suck dick as well as men who were into men, simple. Some women hated the act, some women craved it, some women went about it the pornographic way (spitting on a dick, groooossss), but usually men did it much better. Especially since they didn't do the act for the person receiving it, but for themselves. And this… this was one of the keys.
And he had a strange feeling this one… She knew about it. She was now looking into his eyes, sarcastic, calm and collected, as if she knew his thoughts even without the tadpole.
And if she liked the act… she honed her skills on watching how men do it to other men.
Gulp.
She moved up to him. "Link tadpole to me."
He did. Swallowed nervously, but did.
She started walking around him, finger on his clothes. She played him the music, the instruments' line while she sang quietly with Kiki.
"Mass hysteria and false accusation
Our strange domination got no explanation
As fear plagues the nation your whole congregation
Say they should be caged in these women of Satan
Yes there's masturbation, some ego inflation
But really it's shadows just congregating"
As she came closer, she stood on her toes, and whisper-sang into his ear the next bit, but still touching him with only the tip of her finger:
"So act on temptation and live by sensation,
This is the reason you came to creation."
Shudder went through him.
"Rise up oh flame, come join the game
They started a frenzy but we'll take the blame
A bare-chested dame, who goes by no name
Their arsenal's empty, all they got is shame"
He thought about lyrics and it clicked for him:
"A song about vampires."
He tried to catch and hold her gaze, but she went around him again. He could feel the low-level hum of her lust for him through the connection, and it was disarming him, disrupting his own focus big time. He had her behind his back, a little nervous, when her lips got close to his ear again:
"No. About women."
And started to walk away. Connected tadpoles still, he heard the chorus as her, and the artist sang it.
Same old energy baaaabyyy history repeats
Same old energy babyyy they'll march us through the streets
Same old energy baby they fear what they don't know
Same old energy baby, you've burned this way before...
Fuuuuck, he thought.
He was so horny as she left, both unknocked down a peg.
It's your own damn fault boy, you handed us the broom
400 years ago sayin' 'you know what to do
Yes sir we do, beep, beep coming through
Close ya damn mouth my man, I told you we flew
She seethes, waits, legs bent to pounce
Schemes laughs, rolls up, and ounce
We were just trying to heal, just tryna survive
A woman with magic is fine with him if
That magic is between her thighs
Rise up oh flame, come join the game
They started a frenzy but we'll take the blame
A bare-chested dame, who goes by no name
Their arsenal's empty, all they got is shame
Ana kept playing the song in her mind, humming quietly, trying to think and plan, but a relentless pull on her mind meant someone in the camp wanted to speak to her - or to Liviana.
Livia moaned: "The fuck, can't I go to sleep? It's dark outside, fire is going… Tomorrow..."
"Today, Liv. We already made Mizora wait two days."
"Uuuuugh!"
Livia called Ana, and they became one as naturally, as one takes a breath. Livia let their minds join and they joined seamlessly. Ana moved her attention completely to Mizora. This, Livia thought, and because they inhabited one body, thought at her, is why I respect you. I wanna be you when I grow up, she sent with love and as Ana heard the warmth, she sent her own back.
I feel the echo of the fear you're feeling about Astarion post-Ascension, and now somehow you're standing here, able to focus on something else.
He told me we will be together, and I have nothing to say, essentially. Ana murmured unhappily it went this far.
Livia was astonished.
Does he not realize that one can still be spanked for bad behavior, or grounded, even when you're over 250 years old?
Apparently. Ana muttered, unhappy with how far this all went with Astarion. The graveyard scene didn't happen, and good - but it would, with someone else.
But she also took this sort of seriously, as she realized that in reality, he was more than capable of slipping into into his own Dark Urge playthrough, and deciding on romance option d)vampire kidnapping. Always romantic, and in style, when vampires did it to their brides, it was sort of a vampire-in-love behavior, so... She was counting on the fact he didn't want her that badly, he wasn't in love with her, so it would be fine. He knew he had other options, or would soon open up to them. She knew he will eat his own words soon, as he will get bored with her. Especially if she would make it louder and clearer, she won't sleep with him, or be emotionally available to him, he would, will eventually sober up about this. She was sure of it. If she made it clear to him he gained nothing from this, especially the thing he wanted most, which was an emotional connection with someone who would never stab him in the back, he would up and leave for greener pastures, and good for him. Ultimately, he wanted not her specifically, but a happy relationship, so he would up and leave.
Livia wasn't so sure, but she stayed carefully quiet about it.
Also, Orin tortured you and you didn't develop the skill to prioritize focus? Ana asked.
No, I developed in the other direction.
She literally broke the mind flayer pod with her body.
Ah, true. Well, it's not a good skill to have, and I hope you never have to develop it, or use it.
Livia sighed. Ana being back in this body was pleasurable, almost sexually, though sexually it felt a little weird - they were more… sisters, not lovers. But this otherworlder made her consider, and then open to concepts that never ever occurred to her before they joined. What else would she understand in their journey together? She learned that you could be on the side of good, controlling yourself... and still mostly evil, though it hurts. That you can be on the Absolute's side and be good - exactly like it was done with Minsc.
That you could be a Bhaalspawn, raised from his holy blood alone, motherless, and still he had no more claim over you, than if he ordered sperm in his own hand after he jerked off to jump and form a circle.
His sperm - how much would it listen to such command? Ana asked.
Livia found much comfort and laughter in that.
But I am his... Livia thought then.
Girly, Ana responded, so is the fucking seed. Completely utterly his, and from him, and of him. And look: imagine he tells it to jump, after he just jerked off. Granted, he is Bhaal, so maybe the little guys would feel a little fear or even terror, but they still would not be able to perform for him.
Livia was now fully open to know even more. Her previous life and experiences, the shades of the lost memories that remained, she was learning to reconnect into new understanding, through new memories hers, and not her own.
Now that she had Astarion several times, she no longer wanted him, was utterly focused on Halsin. By the way, dear gods almighty, who cares about vampires? Bears, bears and druids, all the way. Ana laughed, and let her go alone with Halsin to visit the drow twins, and Livia counted it as one of the best experiences of her life.
And then she wanted the bear again. She felt zero trepidation that Halsin was in reality attracted to characteristics Ana, not Livia had: the rescuing, the heroics, the integrity... Ana asked for sharing when Halsin kissed her and hugged her, but left sex for Livia, and Livia was happy with that outcome. Now that she had the druid, she was almost angry with herself it never would've happened, if not for how Ana modified her behaviors. The words druid had were for Ana, and though the girl felt awful about the muddling, in the end Halsin did learn they were both there, and spoke to Liviana, so it could be counted as "didn't specify". And when Ana disappeared, vanished in their common mind, he could tell apparently by scent, so in the end, there was consent from the very first night together. And he did decide to take Livia. And dear gods, fucking that bear was a revelation. He literally had a reputation as a fucking maestro amongst the twin drow, because he was the Halsin. Turned out he used to be a slave in the Underdark, ages ago, and apparently the drow still told stories about him. After Livia slept with him a few times, she completely understood why. Vampire was good, but out of these two elves, she preferred the bear fangs variety. Though, she slept with him like that maybe twice, he was honestly good enough on his own, even without the bear... His stamina in the bedroom (okay, against a tree, whatever), overall battle competence and how deeply Ana respected him, and took him seriously, gave even her, Livia, pause. If shit exploded events-wise, and she had to leave instructions for someone acting on her behalf, able to trust their competence, Ana would go to Halsin - and no one else. And that in turn made Livia feel every sociopath's love: she feared and respected him totally, despite his good nature, so she was crushing on him very hard.
And she was slowly coming to feel she minded sharing him with Ana, even just his lips and arms, and she minded he didn't mind sharing her with others. Those emotions felt insane, completely alien. For now she decided to make a point to sleep with everyone, in case the emotions she had were like a cold one just had to suffer through. She also couldn't control the instinct: she wanted Ana to have zero free conversations with Halsin, as these two understood each other on a level not available to her. Halsin was a healer - and Ana would've been one, if she didn't die. Their empathy, competence, overall goody two shoes shit, absolute love for healthy, non abusive sex, meant they had so much in common, Livia just didn't want it. She just... didn't want Halsin's attention to be on Ana instead of Livia, that's it. She wanted all his attention on herself, and the other girl could have the other elf in the camp, okay?
Still, she was happy Ana let her almost a free reign to see, and look, and navigate through feelings and constructs that developed in her for Astarion. Livia was utterly astonished. It was hard to spit sarcastically, that love was nothing much, when she thought about the love she experienced and saw, before Orin maimed her... But now she lived in the same body, same mind. She could not deny the insane power and intensity, like she couldn't deny an ocean's size. And it was no magic, nothing special, nothing supernatural. Just... feelings. And yet, even her broken mind comprehended that this mortal, through that love, somehow had access to real, undeniable power, that meant Absolute was as good as done and dusted. Ana wanted Astarion to have a world to walk on, that's why. She never expected to think this way: someone, who had a mind equally capable of developing the plan with Karsus' Crown, and would have developed it, had she been in Livia's spot... Felt no fear at the thought of defeating this "evolved Netherbrain". Only annoyance, it required effort she would much prefer to lavish on Astarion, and ideally, his penis, with his enthusiasm. Why can I see that there is no magic and nothing supernatural, but still it's such power it literally can impact entire fabric of the Weave? The entire Wheel, as Withers would say?
Halsin displays the same power, right?
Livia thought for a moment.
I don't have free access to his structures like I have to you, and he doesn't have a tadpole, but he does feel the same, yes?
In that case, you're asking about mental competence, not magic. Because before we ever joined, you were intelligent and before we ever joined, I trained myself relentlessly for years to see into people's heads - without use of a hammer or scalpel, she clarified for Livia. Through empathy. I eventually developed so far, my mind is how you see and feel. And here in Faerún... this is a world full of magic. I can pull on the strands of the Weave on my plane, have done it once, but it's a million times harder. Here, the Weave weighs the same, but is fully alive, uncorrupted, allows itself to be worked with, makes choices. Responds to you. Has sentience.
Your Weave doesn't have sentience? Livia asked, fascinated, her inquisitive mind hungry for new knowledge. How would that even be possible? The Weave was sentience, of all living creatures and its own as it arisen from them, a new being, childlike and ancient both.
It does, but it's subdued. It's trapped in a nightmare, a coma, a slave. The Wheel of fate keeps turning… so the world goes on, so dark. You know I can't tell you more of my world, it "upsets the balance". She parodied Withers's tone. So... Weaves are essentially the same in design, it's the circumstance shaping of it that makes such differences in the end. So here I came, thought nothing of it. Turns out the combination of tadpoles, suspended ceremorphosis, and the Weave you have here, allows me to look at it utterly freely. On the other plane I see it too, but even looking costs, touching a strand, much less moving it, has an insane price almost no one can pay. Here it's easier, and we're supposed to save the world so yah, if I must, touch it. Even if just to feel the events on the far horizon. That's how I was able to tell that first night in the camp that something is to happen… And next night, after Alfira, I could tell that Sceleritas is an omen of a threat, not a threat himself, though to be fair that I also would've been able to tell on my world. I had no clue about Bhaal and shit, just that eventually you start grouping behaviors into their correct structures.
Though it still could kill us and everyone else, you know. Weave, every Weave, makes Gale's orb's explosion look like a fart. And I showed you what this one looked like.
How do you know? How do you gain this knowledge? Gale is right here, orb within him untouched! Livia asked.
I checked. I think… Parts of my mind go back to my plane when we sleep, and my curiosity and mind follow. I sleep there and come here maybe? Sleep here and go back there? I don't know. But unconsciousness still moves within me. So I check. Somehow, search for answers to questions, and even sometimes get additional knowledge.
I knew I could feel something like it, but I didn't know what it was!
Then why are you asking? Ana smiled at her warmly. This was no admonition. She knew why. Because minds were multi-dimensional structures, and navigating them straight was impossible. Only walking through, and then revisiting your own memories, multiple times, allowed you to even glimpse a structure behind.
And to think someone developed this just to know how others feel? For reals? So much effort for something worth so little! Livia made a "pffft" sound in their mind.
I… Okay if you must know. I was 11 when I realized and accepted what I suspected for few years was completely true: it's not normal for everyone to be able to feel, and see, clearly the outer, most shallow layer of minds of everyone. Their emotions, intentions, sensations. That others just don't see it, usually. Of course what that meant was understanding this: that people aren't all empaths. I was. It took a lot of trial and error and calm observation, to concede I was wrong, and I am the freak. I never expected it, but it also explained soooo much about everything I experienced so far. Differences between me and other people and what I could see, and they for some reason, couldn't.
People are made of layers and the outermost layer carries a lot of shallow obvious information we learn to perceive anyway through understanding, body language, stuff like this. Normal adulting, basic empathy teaches this perception through reconstruction. And developing empathy for real, means being able to reconstruct the deepest layers as well. Normal empathy means you can tell when you focus, empath means you know because your mind delivers you information whether you like it or not, and above that are specialist empath designations.
I could feel it like my own body, before I learned to glimpse through reconstruction alone, and then confirm by touch of the other mind. But I also trained for years to be able to see without relying on this skill at all, just reconstruction, just like a normal adult or a normal empath, not an extra empath.
How exactly does this develop? Do you know?
Livia could sort of touch the other's memories, but wanted hard details… and she could feel Ana solved the puzzle why was she like this, though it took her years.
Oh, it's not usual, but it wasn't, like, completely unhealthy in me, like children develop to be able to spot abuse. This desire to spot possible abuse, observe the abuser's moods for warnings, to be prepared, but wasn't the main reason, though this is usually how empaths are developed/born. Sure it existed too, later and it helped as an additional layer of the skill, but this was not done like that.
The main reason for this development was the structure.
Structure? Livia asked.
Structure of the family system I was born into. A lot of complicated strands coming together. Not abnormal, but not a very common combination even in very abusive families either. And then, of course, because I was a natural empath, below even that physical ability to just see what people feel, I went in for the kill, dedicated, for years, everything, all I was, to know everything that can be known about this. I had to understand… why. Why was all this pain happening. How could the world be so fucked up despite so many of us caring and suffering, we're all in the same boat and we fucking know it too so, how the fuck is the boat almost sinking? All the emotions… In me, in others. How was anyone capable of rape, war, genocide, abusing their loved ones? I had to understand, about my family, other families, my mother, other mothers, so I could truly compare… Understand… About everyone. My father, mother, sisters and other families. Other patterns of suffering, and how these patterns could be laid one on another, what this created then. Evil, of course.
I wanted to understand the core of people. Not the evil one - not the face of humanity you see from position of kneeling as a slave, but the structure of the core of humanity normal, from standing. Read books from every angle of reality. Found family systems theory: family like an organism, and this allowed me to see more of my own structure, in regards to why a kid would ever be like that, not strictly as response to abuse. Read Bruce Lipton's discoveries on rules of behaviors of biological systems. And connected it with family system's theory, and then Bert Hellinger and his insane ideas - not all of them so insane. These three theories with real life knowledge reconstructed, as one. And worked for years to connect all of these into one strand. That later allowed me to view the strands of the Weave, as it literally is the framework of parts of reality. Inorganic structure so good, it starts to resemble the actual organic structure of something. Like the hexagon, for example, or sphere. Beehives and drops of rain in motion.
Would you believe, what happened to me, is easiest facilitated by every fourth child in the family? But can happen to anyone, even first, as Astarion's example shows.
You were youngest, yes, Livia thought this insane skill wasn't born like empathy usually was: by observing abuser's, family's moods and learning everything. It was like an extra pair of eyes girl was born with, and then learned to use, for they didn't see like normal eyes, they could perceive, if trained, layers upon layers of reality.
I was.
You really don't feel like a youngest.
I was treated, for many years, like a precious rose-smelling fart. And then like the fucking plague, yes. It's all a part of this. It's complicated knowledge and you don't really need it. You don't have to learn this stuff, for real. It's interesting, sure, but it also hurts when you manage to see the whole thing, so I recommend you skip it, though if you insist, sure, I can show you.
You have no desire to tell Astarion?
I have no desire to tell Astarion anything that concerns my life before. Like he has no interest in showing me the most gruesome details of his slavery. Opening up about it now feels more like… trauma-dumping.
Trauma dumping?
But it did inform later events… Livia ventured. And meant many strands when she said that. Before Faerún, in Faerún.
Oh yes.
This…
Yes, Livia. This is why I could see what my mother truly was and why I realized, at age 11, I would rather slit my wrists then ever become her. You see, she wasn't doing this on purpose. She wasn't strictly like Bhaal, who has his own plans and designs.
No, she had little agency, it was done through her. It was done to me, to us, through her. She was a victim, just like us and she survived. In her case, that survival meant being an utter menace, an agent of evil, as so much of her was destroyed. She could no more control her abusive tendencies, than you could've your Urge before Orin. Not really an option. Not because she was weak, but because no one has this much strength. No one. She was a puppet. And that's when I understood: you can be, if you survive all that horror, a fucking terror yourself, with no agency. Sometimes… the price of survival is too high. Sometimes then… the only choice is death. My pull on the Weave was this, there were only two choices, submit or die. And so I swore to myself and upheld it: no. Should I slip… I would be… So much worse then even her. And she made a house in which I tried to kill myself at 14. And since it happens not because you're doing it, but through you… if you care about humanity, fucking kill yourself. Now.
You feel sorry for her. And hate her both. Forgive her… and cannot ever forgive her.
Don't look at these structures, baby, it just will hurt you. Yes, I feel sorry for her.
But you also judge her.
Yes.
Then why? If it was through her? She couldn't kill herself if she had no agency, that wasn't a possible choice? Also, choices we make when survival is on the line, are not choices at all, so are you angry with her that she didn't kill herself and orphaned her children? Why such wrath at her?
Oh that's easy. You can be a puppet, but even then you have glimpses of your own desire to resist, doomed to fail… but there is a struggle. Regret you're being used by forces of evil, fear for those you hurt. This… This is where she lacked. What Astarion feels about his own victims, even being able to sacrifice them? She never felt even that much about her own daughters.
But she had so little agency. Livia said.
Correct. But you know what she had?
Capacity for regret. Or remorse. She could've at least wept from within herself when she had glimpses of the truth - and yes, she did - at what her own hands wrought. All this work, all this empathy… just so I could correctly glimpse the utter core of her and confirm what she thought there. If she felt even a slightest sliver of true regret, I would've forgiven her in a second. But she didn't. When she looked, beheld herself… she felt justified while also seeing what he did to her children, what her choices did to her children, how she chose to act even before my father revealed he married her because money. How she used my sisters like free labor, how she beat them. Later, when my father revealed his plans and she was destroyed… Part of her comprehended what she did… And she felt somewhat justified in it through sheer comprehension that was utterly correct, of course: she truly had no agency, for one does not if forces are this strong. She was a victim. I assumed, and swallowed this was normal. Later years came with others answers. I had gotten insight into other mothers, and that was where I truly learned: so many mothers would've felt pure despair in her position. She felt justification.
But other mothers… They feel awful about it. They try to resist -fail of course -but they try to resist the impossible gale, to save at least something. She couldn't feel like that.
And there were… moments. Reactions she had. Where I could see how she wasn't apologetic in the slightest. And when I put together not what she did to me, but to all of us… It was over. I could've, would've forgiven her all abuse she put me through, no biggie. But the things she did to my sisters…
You have siblings, whilst now you feel like an only child, rootless, parentless. Livia added.
I am. As you know, I was disowned by them for confronting her head on, and pointing out what she was. All the connections strands, broken, never to be reconnected. Fatherless and motherless.
Why didn't your sisters stand with you? Bhaalspawn was curious.
There is a whole other explanation there, and don't delve into it. Just hurts and this is… therapist knowledge, Livia, you don't need it to live a normal life.
Therapist?
Someone who fixes all this shit within you, if you let it happen, and work like for nothing else in your entire life. Therapists have to specialize in knowledge.
So all of them in your plane… know this?
No. Human minds and experiences are so utterly vast and so complicated, they must choose a field and specialize within. The things I am showing you, are one of the subcategories and most therapists don't know the real extent of family roles like scapegoat, mascot, hero - once they are interlayered with the family systems theory, in practice.
Scapegoat, mascot, hero?
Don't even ask. It's like reading twenty books. We are on limited time, and you don't need this knowledge.
But it would allow me to understand you better.
Oh sweetie. Ana send a ray of warmth through her body. You already do so much for me. And I dealt with this. The horror wound you perceive within me, was not done by this, but facilitated through these structures. The horror that destroyed me, was made by many layers. Orin tortured you for power. My horror and torture were made by years of different layers of different realities, that all came together in an uncommonly unlucky way. Some of these layers stretched back decades. Some of these layers were made by… the reality of both countries I lived in. Some of these layers were made by the latest world events, changes in law, stuff like that. A lot of shit came together at once to facilitate the moment, that ultimately defeated me.
You're still here.
Oh Livia. You know the truth, and we needn't hide it from one another.
When I would be asked a question by someone who would be told some of this: however did you even survive? How are you still alive? You know the answer to this is always the same:
I didn't.
Please, Livia. Mizora is waiting, this topic… you can feel how just thinking it exhausts, and hurts me, and what Mizora is about to do, is pure fucking entertainment. Let's go to her!
Livia started to walk slowly to the half-devil, her mind churning, connecting, nodding.
She was trying to prepare herself for what was coming - her own confrontation with Bhaal. They dispatched Sarevok, they were almost sure where Orin was.
There it was, though. Easy to tell someone they don't know what it's like to defy Bhaal for good, to go into their own deaths, but Livia received a mind that literally completed these tasks years before with their own Bhaalparent. That's why she couldn't just shout at Ana to leave her be, and let her be Bhaal's. She was permitted to freely view the struggle the other woman faced, every angle, over and over. Ana's mother was a mortal abused by her husband, who married her for her wealth, and then made a child, so she wouldn't leave him, he knew mother would want the child to have a father. He married the mother of three daughters who was divorced from her first husband, he himself was post-divorce from his first wife, with whom he had two daughters with.
Ana was raised with her three older sisters from mother's side as her full siblings, raised as a fourth, youngest, most precious, most beloved. She was literally conceived as insurance, it would be harder for her mother to leave her father. She was adored as the youngest. Her father burned through the fortune like a blaze through a forest, leaving nothing but debts and trauma. He attacked the oldest daughter trying to rape her when she was 15 years old and mother was not home for one night. She and the younger one locked themselves in the bathroom for entire night. And morning come, he threatened: you would tell? You would kill your own mother?
She stayed silent for 15 years about what happened.
Two years after that rape attempt, Ana was born. Her sisters tried to not resent her, but love her. And they did. Until she rebelled none of this was right.
Once the mother listened to reason and started the process of divorce after the 11 year old Ana told her "leave him, please", new horrors unfurled. Ana was the last child of her mother, and she was treated differently. Her sisters influenced the mother, to not be like she was to them to this one, and the mother modified her behaviors, didn't beat this one, didn't make her into free labor. So…
When the youngest started to cut herself, when she started to act out and seemed to see no reason, rage followed.
How dare she.
Does she truly not know how good she has it?
How dare she look at our mother with such disdain, she experienced nothing of what we have!
It didn't occur to them, that depressed 11 year old who was cutting herself and looked like an adult through sheer stress, wasn't acting out just on her behalf. She was an empath. A true empath. She didn't need to reconstruct, wasn't even able to put all this together until years later - she still felt, as the connector of entire family, every emotion that existed within it. Fourth child is the radar of everything happening in the family. Everything that is happening in the family, that this family truly is, the actual Weave of This Family it coalesces within the fourth child quite often. They don't know it, she doesn't know it. She only knows she feels so much pain, for no reason, that she literally takes a shard of glass to her wrists, and feels relief, as blood is dripping.
Livia saw when Ana stepped out her, this was the second thing she looked at after the face.
The scars done by an 11 year old girl were so deep a 35 year old woman still had the white, faded lines. When she tried to commit suicide, it drew contempt and embarrassment and anger from her sisters and mother: she has it so fucking good and this is how she acts?
But Ana…
She felt the terror and pain of her sisters, that took place before she was born and how the mother failed to improve herself for them, too. They assumed this spoiled brat who clearly didn't know how good she had it, with pocket money, ability to freely see friends, go on schooltrips, extracurricular activities, not forced to make dinners and take care of an infant… Was rebelling? Was looking at their mother with so much contempt, as if she fucking lived through what they lived through? The fucking gall of her.
Wrath came. And never stopped. The beloved youngest child fell from the pedestal, and it was a long way down indeed.
Ana rebelled. Treated like a plague, it felt more like confirmation of what she spotted that started her acting out. So she argued.
And rebelled again. Then, tried to leave the house as an adult… and failed to manage on her own.
And then… she needed help to survive when homelessness came knocking. Surely they wouldn't… close the doors for her, they would let her stay in her own room, for a single night? It's freezing outside, and she will die, if she doesn't find shelter. They knew it.
Livia listened to those memories one night, when Ana was asleep and Livia was not, access free.
After that freezing night, that last death, she was... Destroyed beyond measure, practically dead, holding on only to one thought: if I fail now, I will rise as a monster that would make this world tremble, make my mother seem like nothing. I must hold out. It was easy for her to direct Livia to the possibility of not being a fucking monster, defying her father and controlling the urge. Livia knew: she saw the face of humanity, but unlike you, she was on the slave, not slaver end of it. You, until Orin, were always the slaver, never the slave. It's easy to defeat all goody two shoes, for they live in delusions people are good on the inside. But how do you defeat someone, who knows the truth… and still cares about people? Still feels empathy for them, and their horrible deeds? Sees the truth how small some souls truly are, how for every Karlach there is but a hundred cultist idiots, who tried to set Volo on fire.
Yeah and the leader, he had the face of Oscar Isaac!
Oscar Isaac?
Famous actor from my world. Never mind.
And your father... Livia started.
Sigh.
You know what happened there. You know what he did, and you can freely traverse why in the end, I judge him, a man who raped his first two daughters, as a lesser monster than my mother.
You thought… I heard you think he didn't touch you, because he was scared of your mother.
Criminals, career criminals, change patterns as they age. What a 25 year man can and wants to do is different from what a 45 year old can do, and he conceived me 20 years later. Hurting me sexually would've disrupted the plans he had of taking everything my mother owned, but I think he also… some part of him realized what I did realize. That my mother is a nuke when her reputation as a victim suffers, so best to be calculating what exactly he is doing.
And in the end… no money, no properties, no businesses were left.
No, lawyers consumed everything his debts didn't. I was born into wealth… and raised in poverty.
And he is dead now.
Yeah, he died, though I don't know where he is buried. City buried him. I always was planning as a teenager to take a piss on his grave… didn't keep my word.
Livia swallowed. Ana spoke of this so calmly. She spoke of this so many times. Screamed and shouted as a teenager to any adult who would listen, asking for help for herself, for her family. And many strangers did help. But not enough.
That night… That very night…
Don't!
Terror suffused them both, at the return open touch of the darkest memory Ana carried.
Enough for today!
Being raped by the man I was in love with is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Livia heard Ana speak the sentence quietly to Astarion one night. Hearing it said, once again reaffirmed how someone could be inhabited by the Dark Urge… and completely unimpressed and not scared of it, of the origin of it, or challenge of resisting it. Eyeroll. Puhlease. Been there, done that. When Livia connected what was the worst thing that ever happened, it changed her to view this, and see the entire framework of who the human truly was. It changed her to see how this mortal was paid back for deciding on being good. But weirdly, it didn't change her that she was right, and being good wasn't worth it: it made her think that only true psychos could see a world so vile, and decide to partake in making it even more vile. And what followed the last death... was being undead. The horror of the disability, the horror of agony, being locked in your own house, while your peers live, marry, have children, careers, or can just go outside, have a beer with their friends. The horror of being locked with with someone, unable to support yourself financially on your own, because you refused to be a scammer, again, on account on not adding to a world already so evil... Only now, that she knew the human so much better she understood to what extent Ana handled her and others with kid gloves, refused to act in a way that would be most natural for her. Most natural for her would be to treat Livia with barely leashed contempt she couldn't just control the urges, or make right decisions. But the human fought for her empathy, fought to retain her softness, insisted that exactly because she was so numbed, others shouldn't be treated in a way that could numb them, too. Livia understood: if this human became evil, if she ever would again encounter something she thought had to be approached without kid gloves...
But now Livia understood how one could see people, and not see cattle for slaughter, but well, people. They didn't deserve to escape Bhaal's blades attention, because they were good. Or didn't start to deserve it when they became evil. This had no bearing. They just... deserved to live their lives, once they were already here. Deserved protection by mere virtue of existing. Slaves deserved freedom by virtue of the fact Ana looked at, saw slavery and she thought people deserve to have their lives fucked up by shit way less than serious than that. Life, she thought at Livia, was hard enough without Bhaal and blades, and Bane, or Raphael or an Elderbrain.
At the time, thought was preposterous to Livia. The only true harshness, the only true difficulties she ever experienced were keeping her blades from rusting, and blunting, on all the bones and blood - and torture Orin put her through. And pleasing her father. Livia would've discarded this pathetic empathetic mortal faster, than one abandons a shit they took it, if not for the fact Ana took one look at Liv and her mind... and felt no fear or sadness, just nodded nothing there impressed or surprised her. Livia, their minds connected, was shocked at this, and wanted to understand more about this human. And she could see through! She could see all the logic Liv had about people being cattle, and there was no: "People are good and honest and bla bla, and deserve love and kittens and happiness"... No, Ana could completely see how Liv saw humans as cattle. On that note, while she ate cows, she also spoke with cows, and perceived humans almost the same. If they're cattle, we're all cattle. I told you, Livia. It might be true: some people truly are so stupid, dull and uninspired they wouldn't even realize they had been enslaved. They're natural born slaves, you would say. So I see people worthy of being slaves, but I see not a single soul, anywhere, not in the pantheon, not in Bhaal, Bane, Myrkul or Jergal... Not in wizards, not on my plane, not on yours… worthy of being masters. We're all kneeling in shit, all of us.
Livia...
She really changed. Best proof was Astarion. In her old days Livia would ride him like a hoofless horse and then discard him, even before she could see inside of him - without gutting him with blades, that is. That doesn't count.
If she would see the inside of him, well, she was a monster that would get along well with Cazador and it would be competition, who can make Astarion scream prettier. His lustrous skin surely was so beautiful, as it reddened under a whip. His blood has such gorgeous shade. Scream for me, spawn. Scream for me, Astarion. No… not in an orgasm this time.
Ana could see her thinking these thoughts, and had literally no reaction of outrage or surprise, anything like that to her. She just smiled slightly and said: You will see. Like it or not, we're of one mind. You will stay here and if you are willing, you will learn more. But it was obvious she didn't care one way or the other, if Livia learned or not. At that made her curious.
Ana told her: we fail, we learn. Unless we fail to learn.
Then it became obvious, that Ana would not permit a single additional Alfira to happen at any cost, and they fought. Livia considered herself mentally strong. She survived Orin's torture, she was the architect of the Moonrise and Karsus' Crown conspiracy. So it was a shock when did the mental/will-arm wrestling, and Livia realized this girl didn't wield her by force by choice, not because she couldn't. She just resented taking Livia's choices away from her, was happy to make every space necessary in the situation they ended in, for Livia's mind and autonomy. She gave the space. And made it clear to Livia, with no threats: you will try and manage to control yourself.
Or I will control you.
Livia was shocked. This will...
When she returned from her shock, she touched the mind of this passenger from another world, checked and re-checked. Mortal. Weak. Very physically weak. Not particularly attractive sexually. No traces of godhood, special blood, magic or any skills like that. And yet that will... was unbeatable.
Funny enough, Livia never wanted to oppose her father before from what she could tell, turned out she could. She knew that for even a mere chance to win a single wrestle for control with Ana, she would have to put all of her mind, will and strength into it, and go exactly from the same source of genius that made her think of Karsus' Crown in the first place. For a possibility of defeating her and wielding them against Ana's will. And then she saw what happened after that night, when her mother didn't let her in… And it made even more sense.
Livia was supposed to be sitting on a throne made of infants' mangled corpses, ruling in Bhaal's name, with Orin's skull under her feet (not good enough to drink from)... and yet here she was, in a... camp. Clean, no bodies and rotting and shit, no skulls, just rustic boring shit she usually set on fire and enjoyed the screams of the people burning. Or the inn in Baldur's Gate. Or clearing in the forest near the Druid's Enclave. All camp locations and Livia enjoyed them, learned to love them and feel safe, through Ana's feelings and eyes. And so... in the end...
Livia... loved Astarion. But not like, one true love or even romantic or sexual. She just... loved him. Sort of loved all of them, Ana included. And her love… Though so intense in comparison to her previous, was so small in comparison to what Ana felt for Astarion, Ana didn't even consider her a threat and didn't even get mad they shared him when they slept with him these first times.
Through Ana's eyes, she was taught to hate slavery through Astarion's example and she knew: she will reject Bhaal and his legacy. She was still, as a fact, super fucking evil. And should Ana's influence abandon her or stop at this stage, she still would never be able to own slaves ever again. Or pass by slaves without at least trying to do something. It seemed joining with Ana, for Livia, changed everything. For Ana, it changed nothing. Nothing of the Dark Urge made that girl scared. Only Astarion made her heart beat, only he changed her, made her care and feel. It was fascinating to watch at first... and then she just wanted, so badly, for them to be happy together forever. And that's when she knew Ana irrevocably changed her. Without trying.
We fail, we learn. Unless we fail to learn.
They just shared mind and body for a month and she had open insight into everything. There were no thoughts Ana could hide from her, and interestingly, it would be easier for Ana to hide thoughts from herself, but they would be spottable for Livia. Such was sharing of minds, it was a little like sharing bodies. Cannot look at your own back without a mirror, or apply lotion in that one spot on your back well. A second (third) hand helped.
She also didn't see him as pathetic and weak in truth, and she could completely see and agree with Ana's analysis: Ascendant Vampire was weak, the Rite of Profane Ascension was Mephistopheles' greatest scam and that it gave almost no power to the Ascended vampire whatsoever. It was curious. Before, she would've also seen with her utterly cold and strategic mind, how weak the Ascendant is, whoever it is, but she wouldn't see the Rite of Profane Ascension as a complete scam. Ana pointed these things out to her. Ana pointed out to her so many things, that she looked at and didn't see her entire life. They were there in front of her and she didn't see. So even now, and even if the Absolute was defeated, she was happy to lend her body to this mortal.
Either way... Delicious Mizora, Livia thought, her thoughts lewd. Ana nodded in agreement and said: you can't have her. At least right now.
Why nooooot? Livia pouted like a child.
Shh, she is about to proposition us.
SHE IS WHAT!?
Shh, be quiet, control yourself. But the words were not spoken sternly, but as an invitation: come sit down, get popcorn and watch the show, you will like it. Ana never truly lied and Livia realized, she was excited and mentally did, as Ana suggested.
Whatever "popcorn" was.
Liviana spoke to Mizora.
"You wanted something, Mizora."
I've had my eye on you. Hot as brimstone, jagged as lightning - and seething like the river Styx - but there's something missing. Isn't there? You're hungry for pleasures beyond this plane..."
True, true, Ana thought to herself, utterly entertained. But the vampire delivers.
"Something more satisfying, than mortal flesh, blood and bone."
Ana nodded. Again, true, but the vampire delivers. But as she listened to half-devil, her good mood soured, as she saw through the play, and the insult of it pissed her off to listen to this.
"I am sorry, what are you on about?" Livia asked.
"The ecstasy of agony. The pain of the damned distilled into pure bliss. Beyond every climax you've known. The little death, writ large. Smile, and I will come to you, when you put your head down, to rest. I will sate your most forbidden lusts.
Or don't. And know the eternal ache of the unknown and the unanswered." The she-devil said.
Ana smiled. But as Livia copied her smiled and let it extend, Mizora could see it was not an invitation. As the lips stretched, the contempt one might have for a stupid teenager, was just written across her face. Livia decided to retreat completely and let Ana lead.
"You know what you are, Mizora?"
"Delicious? Tempting? Sensuous?"
"Yes, all that. You're also utterly and completely... transparent. And predictable."
Mizora lost her confidence for a moment. But surely... this Bhaalspawn and her stowaway didn't...
"It's I believe, a complete and utter coincidence, you proposition me precisely after Astarion opened his heart to me?"
"I don't see what Astarion has to do with any of this... The offer is for you… Alone… We can keep it a secret. Hand to beating heart." Mizora tried.
"Tell me, Mizora. Does being Zariel's whore truly satisfy you?"
"Whore? Please, I genuinely want to sleep with you." The devil spoke, so seductive, it was a miracle the ground she was standing on didn't erupt into flames.
Livia considered her, and Ana supplied: She is telling the truth. To her, like for a lot of people, all sex is power. She doesn't have it any other way. So yeah, she is telling the truth.
Fascinating.
Liviana opened her mouth: "Yes, a whore. Zariels' little pretty whore. I have the highest respect for whores. Whores deserve respect. But somehow… this doesn't extend to you right now.
But I truly appreciate it. After all, here in Toril too, the devils are the true north of the reality, and the Weave. I genuinely appreciate the information Zariel revealed in this failed ploy."
For the first time since being caught at Moonrise... for the second time in a hundred years, and both of these happened in the span of months... Mizora thought that maybe, just maybe... either she or Zariel underestimated the targets.
"I don't see what you're on about."
"So... even unascended weak Astarion and me, are such a potential threat?"
Mizora got angry, and it felt weird that her anger alone carried no threat to this mortal. So different... this interaction... then with everyone else here... Wyll couldn't hide the delicious taste of his terror she would do something horrible. Of course she would. What would it be? Could he bargain with her to make it hurt someone less? Ahhh, such fun the Blade was.
"Careful, Bhaalspawn. Wyll is still in my grasp, and he pledged his soul to Zariel."
"And?"
"And you and I both know... the things I can do to him... the things I can do to him even before his soul is claimed... You would be wise not to anger me."
"See, Mizora, this is precisely what I am teaching to Astarion or should I say, letting him learn as a side effect of fucking me, or Livia, whatever. How little things betray you. How letting anger show - not experiencing it, but showing it - can completely reveal your hand. How even the most powerful immortals have weaknesses, and that intelligence and strategy, are a true modifier to power, and attacks it can do."
"If you're so smart, why would you reveal this to me?"
"Oh, we both - or should I say - all three of us here, know you know these things. Revealing my hand to you and how much I know, costs me nothing. You're not a even a pawn in this game, Mizora. Zariel doesn't value you so much, she would let you hurt Wyll without her permission, just to spite me and punish me for disrespecting you.
You're here, because I let you. And yes - however cruel that is, in one thing I am the same as Zariel. You live... because I let you.
You know I killed Raphael. By the way, Zariel knows that… And she still directed you to be in my camp.
You know she will refuse her father's legacy. You know there's two of us in this one body. And I see you.
You're powerless. The biggest power you posses, is the one you displayed on young Wyll, when you pressed your lips against his ear that Tiamat will devour Baldur's Gate. And just between us, some may not understand what's wrong with it, but I do. Wyll was a child."
"He was a man! He was shaving and everything, you know..." Mizora laughed seductively.
"He was mentally a child to your adult, and you seduced him sexually. You're vile. The pile of shit our owlbear cub took twenty feet away from us, is more appealing to me then you. It's true, when I first saw you, I thought you beautiful. But now that I see through you, I would literally rather suck off this pile of owlbear shit."
Mizora lost her cool.
"You are a hypocrite. If I am so disgusting, how disgusting must the weakling spawn be I wonder, after all he wrought...?" By Mizora's face it was obvious she thought she scored.
"Oh Mizora, how stupid you must be, underneath that beauty. You and Astarion are opposite. See, when I first first saw him, I saw through him. A pretty, morally corrupt, charlatan who will betray you to help himself, weak and physically weak, selfish self serving opportunist, with the biggest weapon he wields being his physical beauty... and his biggest weakness is that even after 200 years of Cazador, he still doesn't understand what true power is, and how to gain it. That's why the Rite tempted him. He failed to see how little power it truly offers, for an insanely high price. Oh, how Mephistopheles must have laughed, seeing Astarion foaming at the mouth to complete it... Reminds me of the bargain Raphael presented me with. Orphic Hammer for Karsus' Crown... and my signature on a piece of parchment…
Seriously?
I have to retrieve it, I have to do all the work, I have to kill the Emperor or make him behave, kill Gith prince, or make him behave, kill all three Chosen - as they won't be made to behave - and then defeat the Netherbrain, as it will behave only as a wielded weapon, or not at all. And what do I get in exchange? My soul as an eternal debtor, to fall in love with Raphels' chamber pot and be raped by Harleep, should inspiration come unto him. Delusional.
And then… you and Zariel. I was so tired I wasn't sure we could save the Duke, I wanted the Gondians above all, including the tied one. And so Wyll sold his soul to you. For a fucking haste potion. Now that… Even Livia was impressed with how bitchy that is. You didn't do anything, you didn't rescue him, you just stole his son's soul for nothing.
And this marks Zariel. Say what you want about Raphael, at least he delivers half of what he promised. You and Zariel? Take everything, deliver nothing.
And now I would be to… Have a fuck with you, mostly through infernal powers, no real effort on your part… And lose the fucking Astarion Ancunín for that?
Mizora, I am insane… but I am not fucking mental."
Livia discovered what popcorn was. Mentally conjured some after browsing through Ana's mind and conceded: this was an entertainment snack. And was now eating it watching it unfold, eyes glowing.
Mizora was... beside herself. She wasn't sure what the girl meant about that why exactly her, and the spawn were the opposite of each other. Being trapped in Moonrise offended her, not threatened her. She knew Zariel would facilitate and permit Wyll getting her out, that it was literally more of an offense, than an actual threat to her. But this... Bhaalspawn connected with the other-worlder... She had nothing. Held no cards. And this Bhaalspawn regarded her so little, she shared her thoughts with Mizora completely freely...
Because Mizora... or Zariel... presented... no... threat... to her.
"Good talk. Now if you'll excuse me, I am off to ask my weak vampire spawn, if he would be kind enough to let me suck his cock, as a reward to me for being a bad girl. Ta-ta!"
She walked away. Mizora forgot for a second about controlling her outside body language, and image she portrayed through her body language, forgot Volo standing near... and as she stared stumped after the girl, bit her lip.
How would Zariel - or anyone else for that matter - get her teeth into this one without her consent?
A thought blinked and left. Mizora thought for a moment she almost had something, but comprehension eluded her. In this thought about biting, there was a key to, if not handling, at least cooperating as an equal with this other-worlder possessed Bhaalspawn. Mizora could see: it was not Livia who first looked upon Bhaal and rolled her eyes. It was the one who loved Astarion, the other one. But then... if she saw how truly weak the spawn was... she fought to prevent the ritual... saw him clearly, for what he was... how could she love him? Because Mizora could stand closer to the girl, and it warmed her, the fire of this love. This girl, other-worlder, the inhabitant of this body, loved the weakling vampling so much, she would sacrifice entire Toril for him. Fuck, she would sacrifice Yenna and Grub and Withers. She would weep, but she would sacrifice Karlach.
Mizora could feel the thoughts eluding her. But the offense remained. And… elation, curiosity. The sheer potential of this threat... to Zariel, of course... was staggering. The mistress must hear about this interaction.
How dare a girl defy the man disturbing all the peace
They'll cuss you in the lights but cry your name between their sheets
A healing touch, a naked breast, sage and skin of snake
No matter what the good you did, you'll wind up at the stake
She's a highway wreck but you can't look away
Might haunt you for days, and yet your eyes stay
On her sweet flesh right where shoulder meets wing
On the burnt grass everywhere she has been
Rise up oh flame, come join the game
They started a frenzy but we'll take the blame
A bare-chested dame, who goes by no name
Their arsenal's empty, all they got is shame
Kiki Rockwell, "Same old energy", album: Rituals On The Bank Of A Familiar River, rel.2023