I glanced over my shoulder at Fenris before walking to the steps that descended to the Chantry courtyard. He had decided to stay in the house in case the magister returned and offered to aid me if I ever needed an extra hand. The tasks my brothers received every day involved fighting most of the time, so I expressed Fenris that they would gladly accept his help. Despite more awkward hand signs, he had been assured which made me grin as a response.

He disappeared back into Danarius' mansion and I was left alone to come up with an explanation for my bloody clothes. They stunk horrible and the fact that I was still drugged by the red lyrium made it worse. No store was open at so early in the morning and I preferred to hide before the first citizens woke up. I had nothing left to write on and wouldn't be able to convince strangers that I wasn't a random murderer with hand gestures.

Sighing, I dragged myself forward, almost tripping because of my tired body. I had got used to the lack of sleep, but two battles in a night with red lyrium as my weapon was taking its toll. I was thirsty and the brightness outside was making my head ache, even though the sun hadn't revealed itself. My feet felt like I had stones tied to my ankles and my thoughts were jumbled.

As I landed on the square tiles of the Chantry yard, I stopped for a moment to stare at the emptiness of the district, thinking that it represented the same hollowness I had in my mind. When my vision got blurry for a second, I winced and slapped my cheeks. I was reminded of how the red lyrium was lethal to the most and I had been fortunate to have my wits about me. Perhaps my obstinacy had helped me to push the side effects away, but it didn't mean that my body could endure after every dose of the substance.

I glanced around and saw a bench. Carefully, I walked to it and the cold wall felt great against my back as I sat down. I found a clean spot on my sleeve and used it to wipe the sweat from my temples, concentrating on breathing in and out. Never before had I had an opportunity to rest so freely after killing so many. The Saarebas' were usually commanded to fight till they collapsed if a tough battle required it.

I wiped all the rules the qunari had made for their mages from my mind, inhaling the sweet scent of lilies I detected even over the odor of blood.

#

"Reneka! Reneka, come on! Wake up!"

I quailed and let out a sound that reinforced my surprise. My eyes were heavy and begged me to continue my unintended sleep, but I struggled to keep them open to see who had woken me up.

I met Isabela's eyes, full of horrified worry. "Maker's ass, what the hell happened to you?" she breathed, her hands on my shoulders.

Pointing at myself and shaking my head didn't seem to be the right gesture to tell her that none of the blood was mine. My fidgeting only made Isabela more concerned.

"You look like shit," she said as nicely as a pirate could. "Why isn't Rogue or anyone with you?"

Her questions were pointless, as I had no tools nor strength to answer her. I took her hand and squeezed it gently, trying to calm her and smiled as a sign that there was nothing wrong with me.

Isabela pressed her lips into a thin line and rose up. "I'm not going to let you show yourself to your family in that condition. Come on, I know a place where you can rest."

The look I gave Isabela expressed my hesitation. I had fallen asleep only for minutes and still wished to be home before my mother would wake up in order to clean up. She would certainly have locked me up if she found out that I had spent the night killing mercenaries and demons.

Isabela was about to smirk, but I must have looked worse that I had thought because she ended up gazing at me with distressed eyes. "Don't worry, I'll talk to your brother," she said. "Lucky you that I took this path on my way to where we're going now."

Sleep kept tempting me and didn't care that we would have to reach the place Isabela had mentioned first. She supported me as I stood up and I had to take a couple of slow steps to test the strength in my wobbly legs. I wanted to walk on my own, but Isabela refused to let my hand go and ensured that I stayed close.

My eyes caught glimpses of the gray buildings in Hightown and the glimmers of light in some of the windows made me realize how many hours it had been since I left the Hanged Man. Time was one of the last things I thought about while fighting for my life and the red lyrium had worn me down faster than lack of sleep normally would.

I had no clue where Isabela was leading me. There were beautiful red lanterns hanging near the door we were about to enter and above us was a crimson-colored silk sheet, attached to the wall and two thin pillars. The scent of roses hovered inside the house and I heard giggling, mixed with the sound of clinking glass. I lifted my gaze from the floor and almost collided with a woman who was carrying plates and fine wine goblets. Her wide eyes scanned me, from head to toes.

"Come on, Reneka, try to stay awake for a little longer," Isabela pinched my hand, but I felt too awful to withdraw it. "And you, no staring. This is our business."

The waitress nodded awkwardly and left us in a hurry. Isabela snorted and yanked me, rushing towards the stairs. I noticed the looks strangers gave us and how they turned away to most likely murmur about my dirty appearance. I clearly stood out in a spotless place such as the hall we were in. The only red there was on the same kind silk sheets hanged on the walls I had seen outside and the smell that persistently followed me resembled the one I had lived with in the Saarebas' quarters. It consisted of iron, sweat and damp earth.

Every step was like climbing a mountain and despite the grumbling coming out of my stomach, I had no appetite. Even the slightest of noises hurt my ears and I didn't care about how shocked my family would be anymore. All I desired was to have something soft to lie on and remove the sandals that uncomfortably rubbed the calluses on my ankles. For a moment, I missed the days I had run around bare-feet.

I didn't wish to be a burden, so I took a long, deep breath and pressed my teeth together before lustily walking to the second level without Isabela's help. The words she shouted after me were unclear as all my focus was on keeping my eyes open. I felt her touch when she reached me but before I looked at her, my attention was caught by an elven man who ran to us from one of the rooms. His figure was hazy, just like everything else around me. My legs were shaking and the skin on my palms was cold.

The elf approached me and his familiar, ocean blue irises made me hold my breath before my mind went dark.

#

The chirping of the birds woke me up. The first thing I saw was the canopy of the bed I had been sleeping in, covered in red fabrics. I slowly turned my head and glanced at the decorative furniture in the room. It was as if I was in a noble's house and the bed was so soft I felt like it was sucking me in.

I scrambled up to a seating position and moved the velvet sheets on top of me that were too hot. As I grabbed them, I noted that the clothes I was wearing weren't mine. They were pure white and the shirt had three little buttons which were opened, almost exposing my chest. I was surprised that I wasn't suffering from a headache nor painful stinging in my body. It had been the least I had expected after the side effects of the red lyrium.

A sudden realization made me silently gasp and my hand squeezed the area where the pocket of my trousers would have been. There were no pockets on the clothes I was wearing. The few lyrium shards I had left were gone and I panicked. Touching red lyrium was enough to drive most people mad, so whoever had taken my clothes could have been in danger.

While recalling the previous day's events and nervously biting my fingernail, someone knocked on the closed door. I still wasn't certain of where I was, but the knocking made me think of Roghart and the code he had invented. He wasn't the first person I wished to see when the black circles around my eyes were still fresh, though at that moment I didn't want to see anyone.

My fingers curled and I knocked the frame of the bed behind me three times. When the door opened, I froze and tried to prepare myself to confront my brother, but it wasn't him who entered. The tension in my muscles eased off when my gaze was met by the deepest, prettiest blue elven eyes in the world.

"Wow, it actually worked," Jethann chuckled.

I stared at Jethann, so stunned that I couldn't smile with him. Resting had cleared my mind and I remembered him before passing out. My heart pounded and I fought to keep my tears back. Although the Saarebas' of my tribe had sometimes caused the same reaction if they returned from a battle alive, I had become much more emotional after my escape. It was the only way I could explain why I wanted to shed tears for a friend I had known only for months.

Jethann shook his head like he wasn't impressed and folded his arms across his chest. "Don't look so sad, Reneka," he said, grinning. "You'll make all the people who are waiting for you worry even more."

I looked behind Jethann through the open door. Memories came back to me as I glanced at the red silk curtains and the large hall that was lit with a dim light. The perfume of roses was so strong that it was even on my blankets.

Without the symptoms of using red lyrium to cloud my wits, I could deduce my location. I had never visited a brothel, but Jethann's presence and the large, ornate building were reasons enough for me to think that I was in one.

Jethann approached a small round table and took one of the cups and the jug on it. When he lifted the water jug, he sniffed it first, as if making sure that it wasn't spoiled if that was even possible. He turned and I didn't even bother to attempt to evade his blue eyes.

"You managed to scare even Isabela, and that is quite an achievement," Jethann laughed and poured the water. "Can you believe it? She even ordered me to give you my bed. Plus you should have seen her face when I told her that I knew who you were. For a second, she thought of all kinds of ways of how that could have been possible."

My cheeks reddened and I lowered my gaze in embarrassment.

Jethann smirked and handed me the cup. "Cheer up miss, I would have done it without her commanding me. I kept an eye on you while she went to fetch the Darktown healer."

I coughed after failing at swallowing the water because of what Jethann had said. He was startled and ready to help me, but he understood my calm gesture and relaxed.

"He's still here, said that he wouldn't leave until you woke up," Jethann continued, answering the question I had wanted to ask. "And so are your brothers, which is why I knew about the knocking thing. The diner of the Blooming Rose is quite crowded currently, you should come by more often if it means this many customers."

I finally managed to smile a little and it seemed to make Jethann happy. What I didn't show him was the uneasiness building up inside me. There was a taste in my mouth, so bitter that I could sense it even without a tongue.

I returned my half-finished drink and Jethann exhaled, putting the items in his hands away. "Anyway, I better go and let the healer know that you're awake," he said. "I won't allow you to leave this room without him examining you first."

My nod was quite reluctant and Jethann must have noticed because he lifted his brow, creating a puzzled expression. I blinked innocently and the elf let the matter go. After what he had done for me in the underground, the way how I treated him was unfair. I hadn't lied to Fenris who hated magic, but I hadn't contacted Jethann in a long time and didn't want to appear weak.

He scratched the back of his head and leaned to touch my hand with his. His palm was soft and warm and I found myself eying at a ring with a ruby stone around one of his fingers.

"Once you have recovered, I'd love to hear...or read about all these people you have gathered around yourself," he smirked and surprised me by raising my chin with his index finger. "There is a whole new layer of light surrounding you and I can't wait to be introduced to this different lady Reneka."

Jethann laughed and I gestured him to stop teasing me, feeling how the unpleasant knot in my stomach was decreasing in size. After he left, I blew out all the air I had been detaining in my lungs and threw my legs over the bed. The tingling in my feet kept me from trying to stand up yet.

The room fell quiet without Jethann there and although he didn't close the door, the clamor coming from the hall wasn't loud. The sash window was slightly opened, allowing the wind to enter and freshen the air. I was certain that the all the luxuries and Jethann were enough to calm my nerves, but I was proved wrong when my brothers came to the room, Anders accompanying them.

Roghart's eyes frightened me. I was anticipating a lecture for making everyone worry, but the glare he gave me wasn't just of anger or anxiety. What his current thoughts were about was too hard to speculate. Unlike him, Carver was distinctly chocked and Anders seemed like my awakening had been some kind of a miracle.

"See, she's fine," I heard Isabela's voice and she followed the others to the room, like she had been waiting at the door just outside. "You can settle down now, Rogue."

"Sure, if you consider being knocked out for three days fine," Carver spat. "Oh, and don't forget about the fever."

My jaw dropped in confusion. Carver's words rang in my head like a curse. Losing consciousness because of red lyrium wasn't unusual, but I had never slept for three days after using it. As a Saarebas, I couldn't afford to keep my eyes closed for so long, no matter how much I wished to. Every shadow had alarmed me of soldiers who didn't trust me.

The thought of this situation repeating after every time red lyrium would have given me side effects appalled me. Had the qunari forced me to stay awake to erase such a weakness?

I gazed at Anders, trying to understand what Carver had said.

"By the time I got here, you had a high fever which caused your body to cramp," Anders said, so quietly like he didn't want to speak the words. "It took two days to heal you and you still rested for twenty four hours after that."

Carver shook his head. "When you weren't at home, we went through Lowtown searching for you," he pointed at himself and Roghart. "That was when we arrived at the elven alienage."

The color on my face faded away and I gripped the cloth of my trousers.

"What in the Maker's name was that, Reneka?" Carver sounded disgusted. "Was it blood magic?"

The leer I shot at my younger brother was piercing. I didn't expect everyone I knew to accept magic, not even my family, but I wasn't about to tolerate being blamed for doing what was necessary to survive. Carver's attitude of not hiding his disapproval and not caring whether the others witnessed it enraged me, the same way Anders had when I hadn't come to terms with my disability. I couldn't stand people who were like the qunari, who let their assumptions be the judge of their actions.

Even though Carver was my brother, I had to hold myself back in order not to slap him. In the end, it was Anders who made me regain my composure, or rather the angry presence I felt around him when he glared at Carver after the accusation.

"Watch what you say aloud," he told my brother, not yielding under the look he was given. "I detected a foreign substance in Reneka's system, which most likely made her ill."

After Carver fell silent, the dangerous aura from Anders vanished and I sighed. The moment of serenity was short lived when the healer lifted a small bundle out of his leather pouch.

"Recognize this?" he inquired, but not in an abusive tone.

He was obviously counting on me being able to sense the red lyrium shards without having to reveal them for everyone to see. The shards were wrapped in a piece of cloth, so if Anders had been the one who had discovered them, no-one had had the chance to touch them. I breathed out from relief, but didn't believe Anders would return them if I asked, not until I assured him that I was probably the only person in the world who suffered no sanity loss from holding red lyrium.

The eyes targeted at me made me edgy. Everyone had a varying point of view of me and I wouldn't be able to have a speech that would satisfy them all. I had deliberately poisoned myself and had known about the consequences, but for the first time I was compelled to justify such a principle.

Roghart had listened in silence and I stirred when he walked closer to me. "I must speak to Reneka alone," he said and glanced at Anders. "Can you check her and then go outside with the others?"

My brother's voice was like a commander's, filled with charismatic sharpness that made even Isabela drop the questions she obviously had been wanting to ask. Slowly, my head lowered and I stared at my balled fists on my lap. Not even Anders' palm against my forehead could bring a smile on my lips.

"Her fever is gone and she has rested enough," the healer said and I didn't move at all when his hand was cloaked in blue energy, sliding across my neck and back. "The healing doesn't have any further effect on her and I don't sense lyrium. She's alright."

Anders sounded relieved after saying the last words, which made me want to meet his eyes. The anguish in my very soul prevented me from doing so, despite the efforts I made to order myself to look up. I missed my opportunity when everyone except Roghart left the room, shutting the door behind them.

Roghart sat on the bed next to me. Though my hands trembled, he gave me paper and a simple graphite pen and pulled the end table near the bed in front of me, as if I was about to make a statement of sorts.

Before Roghart talked, I quickly wrote I'm sorry on the paper.

"Apology won't fix this, Reneka," Roghart said in a deep baritone. "This is not about me nor Carver. There is someone else who needs your apology more than we do."

I nodded, thinking of how sad I must have made mother.

"You weren't there to watch how mother almost destroyed herself after you were captured all those years ago," Roghart snapped, likely acting more annoyed than he had intended. "Father gave his life searching for you and mother did no less. She kept all your belongings, made your unused bed every day and cooked to feed three children mouths. She never let go, never thought for a second that you were already-"

He pressed his teeth together and I could guess how his sentence would have ended. I hadn't realized that one night away from home had hurt my family this much. It had caused mother to remember the home that had been missing one girl and the time must had been awful for my brothers as well.

I regretted for not informing anyone before heading to the alienage and helping Fenris, but not the mission I had been part of. I knew Roghart or mother would have strongly opposed the idea of me wandering in Kirkwall on my own and meant only well. The ambush in the alienage wouldn't have been a surprise if the mercenaries hadn't been so numerous and I would have fled had there been another way out back to Lowtown. I simply chose the best solution I could think of, my only mistake having been the misjudgment of how tired I was.

The pen in my fingers worked fast as I wrote a short version of how I had run into Anso and Fenris, which had led me to Danarius' mansion in Hightown. The more I explained, the more Roghart frowned and he finally halted me.

"Why didn't you tell this dwarf that he was mistaken?" he asked, looking into my wet eyes.

He was a smuggler, I wrote. I told him to leave the city if I took care of his problem.

"So you will take care of every smuggler in Kirkwall and aid every mistreated person you meet?"

If someone saw me, they would have thought that I was connected to Anso, my letters came out in a slight frustration. I did what I had to in the alienage. I helped Fenris because I knew I could handle it.

"I want to understand, Reneka," Roghart took my hand. "I really do, but I can't do it without your trust. You should have come to me and not charge into a battle by yourself."

I did trust my brothers, but Roghart didn't see my point. If my mind had warned me that going with Fenris was a suicide, of course I would have suggested that we required more fighters in our group. Why wouldn't I fight alongside my brothers and friends now that I could do that? A Saarebas was always alone, positioned at an advantageous location on the field like a piece of a game of chess.

Roghart grunted and stood up, pacing back and forth. "You say that you could handle it," he waved his arm. "Yet what I saw tells me otherwise. Why would you hurt yourself before coming to me?"

Like the mercenaries I had killed with a freezing spell, I froze and remained as still as a statue, feeling how a thousand needles stung every inch of my body. It was my fault for not sharing all the pain I had endured as a Saarebas, but I got mad nevertheless. I had eaten red lyrium by force for years and had used it only twice since my escape: to finally get off the qunari land and to stay alive when I had faced twenty enemies. Nothing in my mind told me that it had been wrong. I was prepared for all kinds of symptoms in exchange for my life in freedom and it irritated me that I couldn't make the others understand.

I didn't care how childishly I thought, how I kept blaming the qunari for ruining everything. All I had ever wished for was to enjoy the sun and the stars, to reunite with my family and to experience all the things a normal person would. I wanted to replace agony with love and happiness, to learn healing magic from Anders and forget about red lyrium and its destructive power.

If I could have reached Roghart while inside the alienage warehouse, I would have done so without hesitation. Why didn't he understand that I'd be dead had I not resorted to red lyrium, that a fever and cramps were absolutely nothing compared to not being able to see him, Carver and mother ever again?

I won't be imprisoned again, I wrote, not hiding my tears anymore. If I say that I can handle myself on the streets of Kirkwall, I mean it.

"Well, obviously," Roghart snorted. "Can you blame mother for wanting to lock you inside the house? After such a violent night just when you've returned to us?"

I don't seek trouble, the tip of my pen tore a small hole on the paper. But I won't run if I know I can take care of it.

"Now you are being selfish!" Roghart shouted loudly, something I wished I could do. "Not every battle is yours to fight, Reneka! You have to realize that you are not living for yourself anymore and that you can't save the whole world even as a free person!"

Although my feet were aching, I jumped forward on my feet and seized my brother's gaze with my eyes, refusing to blink despite the salty water that kept running down my cheeks. I couldn't bear that Roghart was raising his voice to the level of mockery like my Arvaarad had done. It was a common technique to snap someone back to reality, but I couldn't believe that my own brother was using it against me.

I cannot go back to that life! I wrote barely even looking at the paper. I cannot go back into believing that there's nothing I can do without someone holding my leash!

I pushed Roghart and dashed out of the room, slamming the door hard against the wall. Every single one in the hall turned to stare at me, Jethann included. I tried to seek peace in his sapphire eyes, but it only made me cry more. I hated the confusion and intricacy my freedom had brought, causing me to think that I didn't possess any social skills.

Everywhere I looked, someone was calling my name and I couldn't call back. I saw faces with expressions that were mixed with too many emotions and my head was spinning.

As I had told Roghart, I would run if I knew that I wouldn't be able to take care of the situation. My mind spoke the words of an invisibility spell and I vanished in front of all the people around me, leaving them in a joint gasp as I ran out of the Blooming Rose.