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"Mind control?" Varric sounded disheartened. "Can lyrium seriously do that?"
"This red stuff can," Anders said, glancing at me like he was looking for confirmation.
It had been cumbersome to explain the effects of red lyrium in sign language I wasn't yet fluent at, but Anders had been able to translate me quite well. I had kept the secrets with me for so many years that it had made me believe the world was better off not knowing about the maleficent source of magical power. However, I couldn't help but feel delightfully light each time I had shared my experiences with it, like the heavy baggage every Saarebas was forced to carry on their own was slowly being unloaded. It made me realize that since we were going to possibly encounter more red lyrium in the tunnels ahead, the others had much greater chances of evading its corruption if they were informed about the nature of our enemy like in any battle situation.
"How come we are fine then?" Varric spread his arms. "What triggered the idol to affect Bartrand but not us?"
Gold, I signed one letter at a time because I didn't know the correct gesture for the word itself. He wants gold. Very much. Red lyrium knows that.
I gave Anders an embarrassed look, hoping that he could decipher something from the messy signs. Greed, I tried to elaborate.
"Ah," Anders seemed to figure it out. "I suppose it reacts to strong emotions and desires, then?"
"Shit, no wonder then," Varric shook his head. "Bartrand is a perfect target to be manipulated whenever riches are involved. But I can't believe that lyrium is able to do that. Sounds crazy."
I wished to tell Varric that crazy was exactly red lyrium's main trait, but it wouldn't have helped him in a positive way. Even if the crimson poison could have been blamed for sudden behavioral changes, it also clung to its victim until there was no intelligence left to manipulate if the target was too weak-willed to shake the effect off. I had been forced to kill too many qunari mages who had failed the ingestion test and had hoped to never watch another individual lose his soul to the lyrium's madness.
Even my neck had been grazed by the Arvaarad's blade before I had succeeded at controlling the substance in the last minute. Rubbing the tiny unnoticeable scar caused the memories to resurface and I hid my hands behind my back. Anders gave me a weird look and I answered him with a shrug and a smile which seemed to be enough.
"Okay then," Roghart sighed deep. "We'll have to find another way out of here, assuming that neither of you want to try and blast that door open with some spell?" He glanced at me and Anders.
"That would require quite a lot of mana and thus leave us at a disadvantage when the monsters hear the loud noise our magic would definitely create," Anders said, half joking and half serious.
"That's what I thought," Roghart proceeded to the stairs. "There was a path forward past the altar, so might as well check where it leads."
"Hopefully not into more tunnels," Carver groaned.
"We are in the Deep Roads, Junior," Varric laughed. "If you want something else than tunnels, better start climbing up towards the surface."
My lips curved into a smirk, especially when Carver was clearly attempting to hide his reddened face. Watching his hilarious act made me recollect his earlier request for me about locating red lyrium, stirring me back to our current situation. I ran to Roghart's side and stopped him by yanking his sleeve with some force just when he had reached the altar, gesturing him to wait. Wasting no time, I faced our only possible direction and closed my eyes, seeking for the stuff I should have avoided by all costs. I kept telling myself that as the only person capable of interacting with red lyrium, it was my responsibility to protect the others from it and I had already failed at that.
Magic swirled inside my body as I used it to enhance my senses. For our nuisance, I could detect more red lyrium ahead but at least there didn't seem to be anything as malicious as the idol. Its weak presence made me think that if there were more deposits, most of them had to be depleted like the first lyrium veins we had seen earlier. Otherwise, my head would have been aching a lot more from concentrating on such a potent energy source.
"You okay?" Roghart asked me when I opened my eyes again.
There is more, but not much, I signed to Anders, still fumbling at some of the basic words when using Mages' Cant. No danger, I think.
"We should be okay," Anders said once he had translated my statement. "I'm sure there are still plenty of darkspawn left, though."
"Our only option is to keep moving and fight our way out," Roghart summed up. "We just have to hope one of the tunnels leads back to the camp."
Carver looked defeated. "Yeah, sure. What fun it'll be trying to find it."
"Welcome to the Deep Roads," Anders chuckled and gave a couple of pats on Carver's shoulder.
#
Even though the aura of red lyrium wasn't alarmingly strong in the next hallways we entered, traces of it were scattered everywhere. Drained veins stuck out of the cracks in the crumbling walls and I spotted few tiny red pebbles lying on the ground, abandoned for who knew how many years. The halls we passed through were filled with enraged monsters, like they had been waiting for centuries for someone to fight them and used every bit of their souls to oppose us, just like the golems we had encountered before finding the idol. This time I noticed some desperation in their moves and became more convinced that the creatures in the thaig had been feeding on red lyrium and aimed to stop those who planned to take their candy away. We had done Bartrand a favor by having cleaned the path for him back to the camp, but the lyrium idol posed greater danger to him than any wandering shades we might have missed.
I shuddered when picturing the innocent workers who had no idea about the so-called treasure the dwarf was bringing with him. Mostly I felt queasy for Bodahn and Sandal.
I purposely stayed a bit behind from the others, which didn't go unnoticed for long. Dwelling in my thoughts, I got slightly spooked when I lifted my gaze from the ground again and Anders had slowed his pace to match mine.
"You look tired," he said silently. "We should take a break."
I'm okay, I signed with a few quick motions.
"It does no-one good if you push yourself too much," Anders replied, sounding awfully lot like mother which made me chuckle in my head.
His gentle and somehow cheering face was always a welcome sight, but I began to grow tired of the continuous worry in his golden brown eyes. I needed him to accept that red lyrium would affect my body no matter the circumstances, not pity me whenever I had to struggle against the effects.
It's not, I started. Not too much. I can take it. That is why I watch your back. Our backs. Sensing lyrium from there, I pointed behind us, my cheeks rosy red for sure.
"I suppose you would be the best candidate to keep an eye at the rear flank, because of your ability," Anders rubbed his chin and I nodded in agreement. "Just remember that we are here too. No point in trying to solo the Deep Roads, unless you're a Warden nearing your last days."
I didn't know what he meant by his statement, but I was glad he had trusted my judgment nevertheless. He took a couple of fast steps ahead to maintain our line formation and I pretended to glance behind me, lazily waving at him when he turned his head at the sound of my feet shuffling against the cold stone floor.
Lying was not my strongest skill and I felt like a criminal for doing so to Anders out of all people. I had no choice but to keep my distance in order to hide my hands that trembled the further we walked. Every time I had to wipe sweat off my forehead I tried to make it look like I was scratching my nose due to the dust in the place. The idol's enhanced power had left me weakened, almost in a poisoned state despite the fact I hadn't even touched it. None of my usual methods had been enough to resist its song that had bled like an open wound, but I found it comforting that only I had been harmed, although the damage was now making it harder for me to endure the normal red lyrium. Merely being in tunnels infested with it felt like I was aboard a sailing ship in a storm; confused, sick and frightened of what could still go wrong. If I focused, I could sense the idol's aura far away which almost made me throw up. My symptoms of lyrium poisoning were mild, but I realized my body would reach its limit sooner or later if we stayed too long.
The deposits I saw didn't emit the qualities that would have made them alive, yet I was certain there was active red lyrium somewhere in the tunnels. Pinpointing the exact location was impossible because the sources seemed to be moving and spreading around. When we arrived at the next large cavern, I sensed the energy was closer and it felt threatened, like we had entered the territory of someone or something dangerous. The surroundings had become more shaped by nature rather than by man and there were no more dwarven statues or any other symbols that would have caught my eye. Clearly the people who had lived down there had discovered something while building the thaig and had abandoned their task in order to dig deeper towards the treasure. If it was red lyrium, I felt sad for the dwarves who likely had been driven mad by it, wondering if no-one knew about this place because the last ones with any knowledge of it had killed each other under the lyrium's influence.
Just as I was about to ask Anders to translate an inquiry about the dwarven race to Varric, I saw movement in a pile of rubble ahead of us, down the stairs we all were standing on. I quickly grabbed his sleeve and pointed at the rocks that looked immobile again.
"What?" Anders blinked, his eyes shifting between me and the seemingly empty area.
Didn't you see? I signed, getting uncomfortable every time I looked away from the rubble.
"See what?" Anders turned again to glance around. "Hawke wait, Reneka has something-"
His words were cut short when the rocks shimmered with magical aura, animating them in an instant into several two-legged creatures I had never seen before. I was spared no time to examine them as one of them already threw a sharp spike like a stalactite at us.
Panicking, I uttered the word 'stop' in my mind with the intention of putting up the same kind of barrier Anders often cast during battle. Everything seemed to slow down for a moment and chills ran through my spine when I clearly sensed red lyrium in my magic, even though I hadn't consumed any. Biting my lower lip, I forced myself out of the sudden shock and the world felt normal again, except for the projectile I had frozen midair. My eyes wandered from the frowning faces of my companions to the opponents that had almost an invisible trace of red lyrium in their bodies. I could detect it only because my magic was being enhanced by it, which I still couldn't comprehend. Immobilizing targets was certainly one of the unique spells a skilled Saarebas drugged with red lyrium was capable of and I couldn't have used such power with my regular ability.
Why isn't anyone moving? I thought in horror, imagining Roghart who had been closest to the creatures being stabbed from behind because I had distracted him. I blinked fast a couple of times, breathing heavily when I noticed that everyone stood still like statues, both allies and enemies. For a moment that lasted longer than I cared to admit, I could do nothing but gape at what my magic had done. The low humming noise echoing in the underground tunnels started to sound like an eerie melody that played to my failure.
An emotional mix of embarrassment, anger and awe filled me as I took a step closer to inspect the results. I didn't trust my body nor my mind after such a spectacle which made me take silly precautions like walking at snail's speed and suppressing my breath. Most of all I didn't trust my magic that was tainted by red lyrium. I had no idea if the others could see me while immobilized, but that was not the priority for me now. At least Anders' eyes didn't move when I brought my hand close to his nose. The fact that they were all still breathing released some of the tension inside me, but I couldn't figure out the reason why the spell had affected everyone. I had trained for years to specifically aim my fireballs boosted by the crimson poison at the enemies. Me and every other Saarebas would have been executed ages ago if the claws of our magic had reached our masters in the battlefield.
A Saarebas was never given another chance, but I hoped my brothers were different because I wasn't anymore-
"Gah!" Anders suddenly gasped, causing me to jump from fright and he nearly lost his balance on the stairs. "Maker, what the hell happened?"
Fortunately, I predicted the next outcome. As the spell began to wear off, the creatures made of rock also twitched, like they were trying to force themselves out of the binding magic faster. When I saw Roghart being able to move again, I grabbed a pebble from the ground and threw it past him, making him and effectively all the others spot the monsters.
"Andraste's ass!" Varric cursed and shot an arrow that didn't hit its target, making me feel a bit guilty for his unstable aim after being frozen so suddenly.
Anders acted swiftly and cast a barrier to shield my brothers who charged the creatures. It seemed like swords were more efficient than magic when I tried zapping one of the enemies with a bolt of lightning and it barely scratched its rocky skin. I could only assume they were resistant to spells due to the red lyrium that obviously was their power source. There was a faint reddish glow peeking through the cracks in the stones their bodies were formed of and their ferocity made me think of an overdosed Saarebas.
Once Carver had managed to cut the last remaining monster down, Varric spat a few more curses while putting his trusted crossbow on his back. "What were those things?" he wondered aloud. "They seemed like rock wraiths, only way more...waspish."
Rock wraith? I signed Anders one letter at time.
"They were dwarves before, so corrupt that something turned them into those vile beings," Anders answered. "Or so the legend goes."
"Their origins doesn't matter," Varric grunted. "These creatures are clearly not the same as those in dwarven stories, so you shouldn't hesitate to kill them."
It was obvious that Varric wasn't in the mood to go into detail regarding the topic I had many questions about, so I dropped it and gave a single nod.
"More importantly, are you alright Reneka?" Roghart closed the gap between us. "You weren't affected by whatever put the rest of us in that stasis."
His statement confirmed that they had been aware of their surroundings while under the spell, which left me no choice but to come clean. There was no point in lying to my brothers now and I deeply regretted for resorting to it with Anders. I had boasted to Roghart about my strength to handle myself not too long ago and acting as if nothing was wrong this time would have been a grave mistake. Hiding my condition was really not an option if I didn't wish to lose his trust.
My spell, I tried to explain, my signs slow and reflecting my shame. I did it.
"What do you mean?" Roghart's voice turned quite serious.
I looked around for something to aid me in the conversation. That was when I remembered the rock wraiths and scurried to one of the destroyed creatures, hearing Varric gasp like he expected the monster to rise up again. I grabbed one of the rocks, squeezing it for a brief moment to ensure the red lyrium that had powered it wasn't harmful anymore. Its presence was growing weaker, but it could still be detected even by a mage who wasn't familiar with it.
Cradling the piece of evidence in my hands, I walked to Anders and wasn't surprised when he looked like he wanted to take a step back. Red lyrium should have been feared so that everyone would have either kept their distance or made every effort to wipe it out. I only hoped the doubt displayed on Anders' face wasn't entirely aimed at myself, although I deserved it after lying to him.
Red lyrium, I signed and held the rock in front of Anders, who eyed at me with even more confusion and seemed repelled by the object. He also must have noticed my trembling fingers and I quickly tossed the rock away, partly because I disliked his reaction after taking it too personally.
"She said red lyrium," Anders said reluctantly. "You mean these monsters were made of it?"
I can hear it all around, I waved my arms. Walls. Ground. Monsters. Not a lot and still I can sense it.
"Hear?" Anders blinked. "That's what you warned your brother about, isn't it?"
It became even harder for me to make the correct signs when trying to offer an explanation that wouldn't have painted me as a horribly sick person. Although I had decided not to resort to writing my thoughts on a piece of paper, the situation required something more than what Mages' Cant could provide me. I pointed at Anders' staff and gestured my wish to borrow it. He had become quite skilled at comprehending my silent language as he quickly removed it from his back, still gripping it when he placed it in front of me. As I suspected, his eyes were fixed on my shaking hands when I grabbed the staff and started drawing on the dirt with the blunt end. It wasn't good, but to me the drawing resembled the lyrium idol well enough.
This thing made me hear the lyrium, made me feel unwell, I signed before giving the staff back to Anders and showed my hands properly this time so that Roghart, Carver and Varric could see them as well.
"So this is the same sickness you had before then," Carver said after Anders had translated my signs, his voice most displeased. "Why in Maker's name didn't you tell us! What is this 'hearing the lyrium' crap about?!"
Not sick, I retorted with an irritated face. Strong. The lyrium made me too strong.
"This sounds more like a regular lyrium poisoning where the mage has consumed so much lyrium it enhances his spells," Anders concluded, breaking the argument. "It usually works only for a few seconds, but we all already know the red stuff is way more potent. Also Reneka didn't even touch the idol and she still is being empowered by it."
"Nevertheless, she should have said something, anything!" Carver ranted. "If there's more red lyrium ahead, then we are basically pushing her into the fire if she comes with us in this condition."
"Then what do you suggest, leave her here?" Roghart leered.
Everyone fell dead silent and avoided looking at each other, especially me. I couldn't come up with anything else to calm their minds, so I simply waited for Roghart to make his next decision.
Scratching his head, Roghart turned towards the path ahead, glaring at the deserted cavern with the kind of frustration that told me he was aware the place was anything but deserted. "We need to keep moving," he finally declared. "If the whole area is filled with red lyrium, then it doesn't matter where we go, as long as that route takes us back to the surface."
"What about the rest of the expedition?" Carver asked, though he didn't sound too concerned about them.
"If I were to guess, then he's probably on his way back to Kirkwall with everyone else," Varric sighed. "Bartrand's sense of business is quite simplistic, so I doubt he'd drag his ass anywhere further into the Deep Roads after getting his hands on that idol and marking the undiscovered thaig on his map. Those are enough to make him a fortune."
"Then let's not waste anymore time," Roghart tightened the belt keeping his greatsword on his back and gave me a look. "If you begin to feel worse than you already are, we will stop to rest, as often as necessary. That is not negotiable, understood?"
I nodded quickly, realizing that I had betrayed his trust and had exhausted the last of my power of decision making in matters considering my health. My brothers took the lead and I stayed a couple of steps away from them, partly because of my ability to sense red lyrium easily but mostly because their disappointment made me anxious.
They angry, I lazily signed to Anders when he glanced at my brooding expression.
"Of course they are, you are their sister," Anders whispered, flashing a smile.
Just like during my heated argument with Roghart, the inside of my stomach was again being twirled into knots, few of them creeping upwards into my chest and lingering there until it felt like I couldn't breathe. They felt tighter every time I looked at my brothers, but the reason was obvious to me. The qunari wouldn't have left matters in such an unresolved state; there would have been a punishment, most likely death, for an act they considered treason and no chance for it to weigh on the conscience of the accused. They weren't known for extended sentences or soul searching. If there were qunari who offered a more time consuming choice, the re-educators of Ben-Hassrath were the only example I could think of, although they also favored fast, blunt and often brutal methods.
Dealing with problems instead of bottling them up and obeying like a good girl continued to daze me because of how intricate the process always was. Sometimes I wondered if I had to literally bind my legs in order to resist the urge to just run away.
Anders stopped quite abruptly when I yanked his sleeve. Are you? I asked him, signing with one hand while still nervously gripping the soft cloth with other.
"Am I...angry?" Anders sounded flustered. "No of course not. I'm concerned but I don't blame you for your actions."
Why? I found myself asking further, even though I wasn't sure of how to make the correct signs. I tell lie to you, put you danger. You should be anger. Angry.
The quiet stare that followed made me believe that I had made no sense which slowly spread even brighter blush on my cheeks, only worsening my original message. Then I noticed Anders' gaze wasn't targeted at me directly but my hands in front of me. I could still feel them trembling a bit while fiddling with my fingers to hide it. The warmth on my face began to fade away, but that was put to a quick halt when Anders took a hold of my hands, causing my heart to skip a beat. He lifted them up a bit more and I was unclear why my body wished to resist. Gestures involving touching had been a natural way for me to communicate without voice, so receiving the same treatment from someone else shouldn't have felt any less awkward.
The stress I had planned to lessen myself with had turned my limbs to useless tools as flexible as cement and it seemed to have extended into my brains as well as I couldn't gather my thoughts into anything comprehensible.
"Here, watch this," Anders snatched my attention back with a magic aura shining around his palms that gently held mine. The color was different from his regular healing magic, more turquoise than the usual pale shade of blue, and I could sense the effect underneath my skin like keeping my hands submerged in chilling water for a prolonged time. At first it made me insecure, but soon I sensed how my whole arms started to relax.
"Focus on the energy of the spell," Anders guided as he dispersed the magic by spreading his fingers. "Detect the main source of the pain. Can you sense what's being healed?"
Nodding in response, I was in awe of how the spell was slowly relaxing the muscles in my hands. My fingers stopped twitching and there was pleasant numbness all the way to my wrists. I was aware of still having hands but they felt like air, floating between me and Anders if he hadn't been holding them still. Whatever had squirmed inside me like a coiled snake vanished entirely, as well as the pounding in my head. My chest wasn't heavy anymore and when Anders let go of me, I staggered a bit to my side because of how light my legs seemed to be.
"What's the hold-up?" Roghart called when he turned around.
"Just making sure she's a bit more comfortable when moving forward," Anders shouted back, then faced me again. "Healing magic isn't always about patching up wounds and broken bones. It can be used to cure restrained muscles, which are often to blame for a number of annoying symptoms like headaches, soreness or irregular bowel. Very nasty that one."
A strange sound escaped my lips when I snorted at the comment, but it didn't bother me. I kept looking at my calmed hands, smiling like an idiot for sure, and thanked him with a single sign. As he walked beside me, I cast out all of my previous distressing thoughts and started focusing on ideas of how I could help Anders as much as he had helped me. He hadn't asked anything in return for the favors he had done for me, yet I sensed some hidden burden in him, behind the eyes that I liked to stare into but showed weariness every time I did.
"You endanger yourself by simply being here if the mere presence of red lyrium can affect your magic so please just...just take a better care of yourself," Anders rubbed his neck.
I figured that whatever it was I could do for him, it couldn't be related to magic in any way. Both of our lives were so influenced by its tight grip that I wished I had the chance to experience how life would have felt to live completely without it. A moment where I wasn't a mage, a Saarebas or the weird girl who could ingest red lyrium without losing her mind. If I could find such a moment, I wanted to share and feel that with Anders.