A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 6
"So now what?" Johanna asked once they were alone.
Kate shrugged. "How should I know?"
"You're the one who was brought here so you'd think you'd have some idea of what to do or what you need to accomplish."
"I didn't ask to be brought here…believe me, I don't know what it is I'm supposed to learn about you that I don't already know."
"I figure there's always something to learn somewhere."
"That sounds like something you'd say in modern times," Kate remarked. "So see, I don't know what I'm supposed to see here. Yes, you're younger…younger than me…"
"And how old are you again?"
"Thirty-four for the moment…I'll turn thirty-five in November."
Johanna was silent as she mulled that over. "You say you're from 2014…so that means you'll be born in 1979."
Kate worried her bottom lip, waiting for Sarah to reappear but she didn't much to her surprise. "For someone who claims math isn't her strong suit, you worked that out pretty fast."
"I wanted to know," Johanna admitted. "I had to know even though I won't remember…I have four more years before I'm your mother."
"You are my mother," Kate said. "But I feel like I've said too much when it comes to dates."
"I'm not supposed to remember anyway."
"But still…I'm not sure I want to tick Sarah off any further."
Johanna nodded. "I guess it is best not to do that."
Silence fell between them, the air filling with awkward tension as neither one of them seemed to know what to do.
"I kind of always wondered what this place was like," Kate said as she glanced around the kitchen, desperate to end that silence as it unnerved her.
"What do you mean?"
"This apartment…I've only ever seen the outside of the building…a few pictures."
"I don't live here when you're born?" Johanna asked.
Kate shook her head. "You moved into the house when you were pregnant."
"I guess that would make sense," she replied. "There's not room for a baby here."
"No, there isn't," Kate agreed. "But I know you loved this place…you drove me past it many times when you'd be feeling nostalgic."
"I do love this place," Johanna said quietly. "It's the only place that's truly been mine and mine alone."
Silence fell once more making Kate sigh in response. "So what do we do now?"
Johanna raked her fingers through her long dark hair. "Do you mind if I take my shower?"
"No, go ahead…it's your home; do what you usually do."
"Alright, I'll get my shower and get settled for the night…you can watch TV in the living room while I do that…and when I'm finished maybe we can figure this thing out…or you can tell me what future me has done to you to make you the way you are."
Kate smirked at her. "Your tone implies that you're not sure that the problem is you."
"Usually one person isn't the whole problem…it takes two to make an issue…that's why we have a legal system to sort out the he said, she said business when it ends up in court."
"We're not going to end up in court."
"No…but somehow I feel like I've been convicted just the same," Johanna replied. "And I'm sure I'm not the only guilty party…I figure you're not perfectly innocent."
"Go get your shower before you dive deep into your lawyer side," Kate told her.
Johanna's brow rose as she regarded her. "My mother cursed me so well…I hope I return the favor one day and curse you."
"Don't worry, you have…but I don't have any kids yet."
"That's alright, apparently the curse works no matter how long it has to wait," Johanna said as she turned to leave the room. "Make yourself at home I guess…I won't be too long."
"Take your time," Kate replied as she moved into the living room and sat down on the sofa. 'I'll just turn on the TV and see what shows are on that are new in your world but I've already seen hundreds of times."
Johanna sighed. "That's kind of creepy."
Kate nodded. "Yeah; I guess it is."
"I'm going to get my shower before it gets any creepier," Johanna replied.
"Good idea…I'll be here when you're finished…although I'd really rather be where I'm supposed to be."
"Yeah, well, this wasn't exactly my plan for the evening either."
"Yes, I know, your pizza and tv date with Dad…sorry."
"It wasn't a date."
"Then what was it?"
"Friends spending an evening together after a long day at work," Johanna replied. "We were going to have pizza and complain about our days and then watch TV."
"What were you going to watch?"
"MASH," she answered. "And then Rockford Files; that's one of our favorites."
"I know…and what we're you going to watch after Rockford?"
Johanna shrugged. "Whatever looked appealing."
"And then let me guess, he was going to fall asleep in your bed in a strictly friends way, right?"
Her cheeks burned. "That's none of your business."
Kate laughed. "But it's what you were hoping for, wasn't it?"
Johanna glared at her. "I'm going to get my shower."
"Okay…I'll pretend not to know your true goal of the evening."
Johanna sighed deeply and forced herself to walk away; this was going to be a long night.
Awhile later, Johanna headed back to the living room, clad in her favorite lavender pajama top and shorts. Trepidation slid down her spine as she neared the threshold of the living room but she forced herself to cross it; her eyes falling on the young woman on her sofa. "You're still here," she said quietly.
Kate nodded. "Yeah…sorry."
Johanna shook her head. "I didn't mean it like that…it's just you came here so suddenly; I figured you might've been gone as quickly as you came."
"No such luck, I'm afraid."
Johanna toyed with her ring as she stood near the hallway; she wanted to get this figured out but she didn't know how…didn't know how to fight the need to ask questions that probably had nothing to do with her future daughter's presence there and yet part of her wanted to know. She didn't understand any of this…and she hated when she didn't understand something. "This is just so weird," she muttered without meaning to say it aloud.
"I know," Kate replied. "Believe me, I know…I can't even wrap my head around how it was possible to happen. I…I don't normally believe in things like this."
Johanna worried her bottom lip. "How come?"
"I guess I'm too practical for things like this…I guess I don't usually believe in things that can't be explained."
"You're not saying that you don't believe in God, are you?" Johanna asked hesitantly. "Because I'm Catholic…."
"I know you are…so am I."
"So does that mean you believe in God?"
"Yes, I believe in God," Kate admitted.
The young woman's posture relaxed a little. "Good…because I don't know how I would feel about it if someone who is supposed to be my kid didn't believe."
"You don't have to worry."
"I'm glad…but you don't believe in other things?"
Kate shrugged. "I didn't believe in ghosts…but now I have to because a ghost is the reason I got sent here; not to mention the fact that I've seen her before. I never believed in time travel…but here I am, in the 1970s with you instead of where I belong. Don't get me wrong, I like a good Sci-Fi or Fantasy movie like everyone else; but it's hard to think of it being real outside of a movie or a book."
"I hate Sci-Fi," Johanna muttered.
"I know."
Johanna seemed startled by the comment but quickly masked the reaction. "It's strange to think that you know so much about me."
"Apparently someone thinks I don't know as much as I thought… that's why I've been sent here."
"Are you sure you're my daughter?" Johanna asked. "Really sure?"
"Positive," Kate remarked. "Most definitely yours."
Johanna studied her for a long moment. "And Jim's?"
She nodded. "Yes, definitely…you're both my parents."
"Wow," Johanna breathed, a smile tugging at her lips as she moved to the opposite end of the sofa to sit down. "I didn't let that sink in before when you told me but I kept thinking about it while going through my routines. I'm glad it's him but it's strange to think about at the same time, you know? I guess he does eventually wear me down."
Kate gave a soft huff of a laugh. "Yeah, apparently so…from his comments earlier, I'm guessing he's looking forward to it; although that doesn't surprise me."
"Yeah, well…he is a man,' Johanna remarked, a blush tinging her cheeks.
"He is…but he's also crazy about you."
"Is he?"
"You know he is."
Johanna scoffed softly and raked a hand through her hair. "I know he's attracted but…"
"But he hasn't said the words."
"No, he hasn't."
"Neither have you."
Johanna's eyes narrowed. "I don't think I like someone I don't know knowing everything about me."
"You know me," Kate said without thought.
She shook her head. "Actually I don't."
"Not right now…but you will."
"Yeah, that's what you keep telling me…but I have this feeling that if Jim and I are going to end up with a baby, it's going to be because we got drunk and I gave in…and I still won't have it be the way I wanted. Since you seem to know everything, do you know if that's how you came into being?"
Kate sighed a little, Sarah had instructed her not to give exact dates about certain things; not to reveal life altering details, but she didn't say that she couldn't tell her minor things. "From what I know, alcohol was involved…."
"Great," Johanna muttered. "It figures it would be that way. I guess if it's going to end up that way anyway, I may as well just give in the next time the moment presents itself…what's it going to matter in the long run?"
"Sarah told you you're not going to remember the time I've spent here, so it's really not going to be an option, and besides you didn't let me finish."
"Maybe I changed my mind…maybe I don't want to know."
"Mom," she sighed out of habit.
Johanna's gaze jerked toward her. "That's beyond weird to hear."
"It's weird to say it to you…knowing that you're younger than me in this place that we're in…but I don't think I can call you Johanna without fear of your side eye and the threat of a slap if I do it again."
"Oh God, am I abusive? Please tell me I don't hit my kid like my father," she practically cried. "Tell me I'm not the parent he was when I was growing up."
"No!" Kate said with a shake of her head. "No; you rarely ever gave me a swat on the backside let alone anything else…you just liked to throw it out there once in awhile when I was getting on your nerves and being a smartass."
"You promise?" she asked tearfully. "Because that's not the kind of mother I want to be."
"I promise; you were a great mom my whole childhood."
"But I'm not now?"
Kate sighed. "It's complicated."
"Everything always is," Johanna said as she curled into the corner of her sofa.
"Listen," Kate said as she eyed her. "When I told you that alcohol was involved in the creation of me…"
"You were lying?"
"No; now let me finish…there was alcohol according to what you told me…but you also already had a wedding ring on your finger."
Johanna's eyes widened. "I'm married when you're conceived?"
"Yes; and have been for over a year."
"Thank God," Johanna murmured but then her gaze widened once more. "Jim's going to marry me…without the benefit of a positive pregnancy test? Or is there another child?"
Kate shook her head. "I'm an only child."
"Oh," she replied, a hint of disappointment on her face.
"I'm sorry," Kate told her. "I kind of always figured that you probably had wanted more."
"No, don't be sorry…I'm just happy to know I have one," Johanna replied. "I've kind of resigned myself to thinking that I'd always just be an aunt…and single."
"No; you're going to get married and you're going to have me."
"Do we split up?" her mother asked, her gaze dipping to the floor. "Is that why I only have one baby? I can't imagine I'd ever want to date again if things didn't work out with Jim."
"No; you definitely don't split up. I figured I had already made it clear that you're still together when we were eating earlier."
"So we're definitely still together in the year you come from?" Johanna asked, wanting to be sure.
"Yes; still together…and he's still as crazy about you as he is right now."
"Really…he still wants me at that age?"
"Oh most definitely," Kate remarked. "I'm afraid to walk into your house unannounced."
Johanna smiled even as her cheeks reddened.
"That makes you happy?" Kate asked.
She nodded. "Yeah…I don't want to think that I get old and uninterested before I want to…I don't want to give in to being old so early in the process."
"Believe me, you're not giving in at all…you're still together, still in love, still attracted and crazy about each other…still going on romantic weekends and getaways."
"That's nice to know. Can you tell me when he and I are going to change our relationship status?"
"I can't tell you that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not allowed to give specific dates."
"But if I'm not going to remember this, then what does it hurt?"
Kate shrugged. "I don't know… and you've already figured out what year I'm born so we're probably pushing our luck. I was told ours is not to question why."
"But you've been sent here because a spirit thinks you need to know me better?"
"Something like that."
Johanna sighed. "And I've already figured out that you don't care much for me in the place you come from."
"I wouldn't say that," Kate replied.
"What would you say? You hate me?"
"No! We're just not getting along as well as we used to."
"Sounds familiar," Johanna murmured, her gaze lowering. "Maybe history does repeat itself."
"Meaning what?" Kate asked.
"Meaning it sounds like me and my father…we don't get along for more than a short period of time every so often."
"Maybe that's because you're more like him than you think."
Johanna's gaze narrowed. "I'm not like him…don't say that I'm like him."
"You are in some ways."
The line of her jaw tightened. "Tell me, do I like you in the year you come from?"
Kate nodded. "Yeah, despite my best efforts you still like me…sometimes too much; and in my opinion that's part of the problem. You want me around all the time…and I don't want to be around all the time."
Johanna breathed deeply, a sheen of tears touching her eyes that she rapidly blinked away. "Guess I never get over being a needy, clingy creature," she murmured.
Kate cringed inside; she should've censored her words. "Mom," she said softly. "I…"
Johanna pushed herself off the sofa. "I'm going to need to be drunk for this," she stated. "The future looked hopeful there for a moment but it sounds like it gets depressing and if I'm going to be depressed, I need to be drunk."
"You don't need to be drunk," Kate said as she followed her to the kitchen.
"I do," Johanna replied as she opened a cabinet and took down her bottle of wine and a glass.
"You don't," she replied, laying her hand on her wrist.
"Can you just go away?" Johanna asked. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"I didn't want to do it in the first place but I didn't get a choice."
"I don't see the point in it…clearly I end up having a bad relationship with my only child…and I imagine that's not pleasant; after all, I know what it's like to have a bad relationship with a parent. It's not something I'm anxious to repeat in reverse."
"It's not like we planned it that way," Kate remarked, wresting the bottle of wine from her hand. "You don't need this."
"Maybe I do…I mean let's just get to it. What is going on in your world between us right now?"
Kate sighed and allowed her to take back the bottle of wine. "Well, right now we haven't talked in about eight or nine weeks I guess."
Johanna poured her glass of wine and took a long sip. "Your choice or mine?"
"Kind of mutual I guess."
"And what caused this mutual thing of not speaking to each other for months?"
"My wedding…among other things."
Johanna groaned and moved to leave the room. "Of course it would be a damn wedding."
"What does that mean?" Kate asked as she followed her back to the living room.
"It means that weddings aren't exactly my favorite thing at the moment…God knows my sister's wedding caused enough problems earlier this year."
"You did keep mentioning Colleen's wedding," Kate replied.
Johanna's brow rose as she returned to her corner of the sofa. "Why did I keep mentioning it?"
"Something about mine being even more of a nightmare than hers," Kate remarked as she sat back down on the opposite end of the sofa.
"Good God, I didn't think that was possible," Johanna said before taking a sip of wine. "Why was your wedding a nightmare?"
Kate sighed. "I guess because we clashed a lot during it…and you have this asinine notion that my mother-in-law has taken your place in my life…"
"Something must've happened to make me think that," Johanna remarked. "Did she overtake the planning process or something?"
"Oh this jealousy of yours over Martha has been going on; you're always complaining that I see her more than my own mother, that I do things with her and not you, and…"
"Well do you?" she interrupted.
"Do I what?"
"Do you see her more than me?"
Kate sighed. "Yeah; but she lives with us."
Johanna wrinkled her nose. "You married a man who's still living with his mother?"
Kate's jaw tightened. "Castle is a very successful author; his mother lives with him."
"And what does she do?"
"She's a very successful actress on Broadway."
"So you're saying they have money?"
"Castle has more than Martha, but yes, they have money…he doesn't ever have to worry about money."
"So they're both successful and he apparently has plenty of money and yet he can't get his mother her own place?" Johanna asked.
"Martha's not hurting anything being there; I mean Alexis is there too during breaks."
"Who's Alexis?"
"His daughter; she's in college."
"Wow, you're only thirty-four and have a step-daughter in college…does this mean your husband is a lot older than you?"
"No! He had Alexis when he was young, not high school young, but you know…I mean he's older than me but nowhere near old man like you're sitting there thinking."
"So you've married a rich man who already has a college age daughter and a live in mother…but I'm the problem?"
"You're the one with a problem," Kate remarked. "Especially with this thing about Martha. You say I see her more than you. I do things with her and not you…."
"Is that true?"
Kate hesitated.
"Well?" Johanna asked. "Is it true? Do you do things with her and not me?"
"Sometimes."
"Why?"
"I don't know! I guess it's less pressure being with her! You're so damn sensitive and the least little thing hurts your feelings. Martha doesn't want all of my time and you always seem to want it all. I'm literally surprised that you've gone all the weeks you have without contacting me because you don't like more than a few days to go by without at least a proof of life text."
"That's that thing on your phone you told me about, right?"
"Yeah. You get mad if I don't answer your calls; if I see a show with Martha that you wanted to go to with me, you take it personally…"
"How could I not? I mean if I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to do something with her and she went and did it with Colleen instead, I'd be pissed…I mean we could invite Colleen with us if she really wanted to but if she just with her and not me after I mentioned it, I would be royally pissed off."
"Yeah, well inviting you along with me and Martha wouldn't go well; you two would fight the whole time. You like to remind her that I'm your daughter and not hers."
"I don't see myself making that statement if I felt it didn't need to be said," Johanna replied. "Tell me what else this Martha person has done that's caused us issues."
"Well you got mad that she went along when I was looking for a wedding dress."
"That should be a mother-daughter thing…not a mother, daughter, mother-in-law thing. One day when I shop for a wedding dress, I just want it to be me and Mom…Colleen wanted everyone along while she shopped for hers, but I'd rather it just be me and my mother. Maybe I wanted to have that with you."
"Well I couldn't hurt her feelings and tell her no," Kate huffed.
"But you could hurt mine by bringing her along when you knew I wanted it to be us?"
"I thought maybe you'd understand."
"But you claim I don't like this woman…so why would you expect me to understand why I had to share that experience with her?"
"Because you're supposed to be a grown ass woman, not a petty little teenager," Kate shot back.
"And maybe you're supposed to be a grown ass woman instead of an insensitive little bitch," Johanna replied.
Kate's eyes widened. "I can't believe you said that."
Johanna shrugged. "Hey, I'm only getting your version of this…and to me, you sound like you were being an insensitive little bitch because you like this woman more than your own mother…and I'm sorry but I just couldn't see myself doing that to my own mother. Mama and I haven't had the best year…but I wouldn't ever want her to feel the way you describe me feeling in your world."
"You make yourself believe nonsense in my world; that's why you feel the way you do."
"I don't know; you pretty much admitted that you like being with your mother-in-law more than me, but maybe we should move on from that. What else happened during this wedding planning?"
"You and Dad got all pissed off because we wouldn't allow you to pay for the wedding."
"But that's the job of the parents of the bride," Johanna remarked. "Why would you tell us no?"
"Because we're not broke twenty-somethings. Castle has plenty of money…."
"So your parents money wasn't good enough because you had your rich boyfriend's checkbook at your disposal?"
"It's not that…it's just Castle felt uncomfortable with the idea of Dad paying for his wedding when he has more money than the two of you."
"So…our money wasn't good enough like I said. Could we not afford what you wanted?" Johanna asked.
"Yes, you could afford it; you live comfortably and apparently had been saving for my wedding since I was a child…but it's just such an old fashioned ideal."
"You mean it's tradition…Colleen married into a wealthy family and our father still paid for her wedding."
"Well of course he did; this is the 1970s…but I'm from 2014 and things like that just seem old fashioned to some people now. I told you we'd take care of it and Dad was so offended…and seeing his pride hurt, you had to pick up your sword and charge into battle."
"He would do the same for me."
"And he did," Kate said with a nod. "I wanted to have a dress made for you for my wedding but I got called into work so Castle met you at the shop instead…"
"That's a strange name for a man," she interrupted.
"It's his last name; he works with me at the precinct and we got in the habit of calling each other by our last names as cops do. His name is Rick."
Johanna wrinkled her nose. "That name just screams jackass…every Rick I've ever known has been a jackass, but anyway, tell me about the dress."
"You two don't exactly get along…"
"Probably because he's got that jackass kind of name…and he's rich too…nothing worse than a rich jackass."
"Anyway!" Kate exclaimed. "You two had a fight, you left the dress shop, told me you weren't coming to my wedding, sent back the dress that was sent for you…so Dad went out and bought you the kind of dress he knew you'd want. He had to have spent a small fortune on that dress and shoes and purse that he bought you…it was beautiful…and you looked so proud wearing it because he was the one who knew what you wanted and needed."
"I wish I could see it," Johanna murmured. "Knowing that he picked it for me."
"Maybe you can," Kate said, as she picked up her phone from the stand and woke the screen. She opened her photo gallery and found the picture she sought of her parents at her wedding. "Here, this is you and Dad at my wedding."
Johanna carefully took the phone in her hand and stared down at the image. "Oh wow," she murmured. "This is us in your world?"
"Yes."
"We look so different," she murmured. "But I guess we would being in our sixties…he's still so handsome though…so distinguished looking."
"And proud to have you next to him," Kate remarked.
Johanna smiled, studying the picture further, seeing Jim's arm around her waist. "The dress is beautiful," she murmured. "Perfect…and yet I don't look all that happy."
"You weren't happy at my wedding…just glad that the day had arrived so it would be over with and you and Dad could catch your plane to London the next day."
"What else happened with this wedding?" Johanna asked as she handed back the phone.
"You were mad that I wasn't married by a priest."
She glanced at her with wide eyes. "But you said you're Catholic."
"Yeah, I am…you had me baptized…but it really doesn't matter to me."
"But it's tradition in our family…Colleen already broke Mom's heart by breaking that tradition…it's important to our family."
Kate rolled her eyes. "Spare me the lectures, I already heard them all. It was just another old fashioned ideal…all of your ideas were so tied up in tradition and you'd get upset when I'd tell you I wasn't doing things that way."
"So I wasn't really a part of the planning process because you didn't like my ideas?"
"That and because you didn't like Martha being so involved."
"Did you take her ideas?"
Kate shifted in her seat. "A few."
Johanna stared at her for a long moment. "So you do like this other woman more than your own mother?"
She sighed. "I wouldn't say that…it's just she's easier to be with. Everything is so…much with you. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with you. You always want more than anyone can give, I don't know how the hell Dad manages to always give you exactly what you want. You think I should be like you, always worried about what my mother thinks, running home to her table once a week, doing everything the way she wants. Well I'm not you…and I'm not going to run home to you all the time. I don't have to have play dates with you…I don't have to take your word or advice as the gospel. You're just so damn needy! You never stop…and yeah, sometimes I don't want to talk to you…sometimes I get tired of hearing your spiel about hurt feelings and stupid notions that I don't love you as much as someone else or whatever other stupid idea you conjure up, because believe me, you conjure up some. You're just too much sometimes! You drive me crazy! You never used to be that way…but you have been the last few years and I…sometimes I just can't stand it. I was glad you went to London while I was on my honeymoon…I was glad you were still there when I came back. You just never quit; you're always pushing or wanting something. You don't accept that I'm a grown woman with my own life and that I don't need you holding my hand all the time…and when you don't get your way, you're petty and a downright bitch."
"Wow," Johanna said softly, tears filling her eyes. "I've been feeling bad about being somewhat distant from my parents because of a multitude of things that have happened this year…but I can't ever imagine feeling the way you feel about me about my mother…and I know there has to be more to this then what you've told me so far…but all I want to do is go home…"
"You are home," Kate interrupted.
"No; home…home to my mother and tell her I'm sorry for everything that's happened this year."
Before Kate could say a word, Johanna's phone rang. "That's probably Dad checking on you," she said quietly. "You should answer it."
Johanna rose from the sofa and moved to the stand to answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Bambina, are you busy?" Naomi McKenzie's voice asked as it floated across the line.
Kate swallowed hard, hearing the soft tones of her grandmother's voice but she forced herself to stay quiet, knowing she couldn't say a word to the woman on the phone.
"No, I'm not busy. Is something wrong?" Johanna asked.
"No, dear; I just…I know it's only Friday, but I was hoping maybe if I gave you a little time to think about it, you might come to dinner Sunday."
The things she had been thinking about as she listened to her alleged daughter confess that she didn't like spending time with her, made the decision easier than it had been. "Yes, I'll come."
"Really?" Naomi asked, a touch of surprise in her voice. "I know that lately you've had to think about it and I understand that."
"I don't need to think about it…I'll come."
"Good," her mother answered, a smile detectable in her voice. "I'll be glad to see you. I missed you last week."
"Mama," Johanna murmured, her throat growing tight as she clutched the phone, thinking about the woman sitting on the other end of the couch that was supposed to be her daughter…who clearly hated her. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, dear?" Naomi asked.
"For everything," she said, tears breaking free.
"Darling, what's wrong?" her mother asked. "What's brought this on?"
"I just…I've been thinking tonight…and I'm sorry…I'm sorry I've been distant…"
"Bambina," Naomi said softly. "I understand why you've been distant…we had a few clashes during your sister's wedding and not all of them were your fault…I did my share. We were just starting to get over that when your grandfather was sick and then that terrible business with your father happened and I understand why you've hesitated to come over."
"But still…I'm sorry. I'm…I'm not a good daughter," she cried.
"Why would you say that?"
"Because I'm not…I get distant…and like Dad always says, I'm needy and dramatic…temperamental…I don't have many good traits."
"Now that's not true at all!" Naomi exclaimed. "You have many wonderful traits and you're a wonderful daughter; God gave me his best when he gave me you. I prayed so hard for you when I was pregnant; asking him for a beautiful little girl and he gave me the best. We might have our bad moments but you're still a good daughter…a good person. Now tell me what has you so upset tonight."
"I don't know," she sniffled. "Just thinking about things…about dinners I've skipped and fights we've had…how you hate my job and how I'm falling behind at settling down…feeling like a failure at so many things."
"Johanna, you're not a failure! You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman and I know your time will come for settling down…I'm sorry I've pressured you about it this year, I shouldn't have done that…and I know your father has made comments that he shouldn't have made as well. I know why you've skipped dinners and I don't blame you and as for fights, well, darling, that's just how it is between mothers and daughters at times; you know that your grandmother and I have our share of squabbles and it doesn't mean we love each other any less, now does it?"
"No."
"Then why would it be any different for us?"
"I don't know," she cried. "It's just that everything feels…bad."
"You know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think maybe you've had a bad day…and you're thinking too much, which you sometimes have a habit of doing…and maybe you're tired…and need to consult a calendar…because there are certain times when you get like this…."
"Yeah; that's been mentioned."
"Oh, by who?" Naomi asked.
"A friend," she replied; not wanting to mention Jim by name and get her mother started down that road.
"I see," her mother replied. "Then you haven't been yourself today, have you?"
"I don't know…it's just one of those kind of nights I guess."
"Some nights feel full of hopelessness, don't they?" her mother asked as a clap of thunder sounded. "Usually you enjoy a little thunderstorm but maybe you're feeling a little stormy yourself and it's making you blue."
"I wish I could be better," Johanna murmured.
"You'll feel better tomorrow," her mother assured.
"No, I mean better…all I ever wanted when I was little was to be good like you…and I'm not."
"Why do you say that?"
She shrugged even though her mother couldn't see her. "I don't know…I just feel like I'm not good at anything. I've always wanted to get married and have a baby…but I can't even keep anyone's interest for longer than it takes milk to expire…and I won't be a good mother."
"None of that is true," Naomi insisted. "We both know that there is someone who has been interested for much longer than it takes milk to expire…you're both just cautious and afraid of something at the moment, what that is, I'm not really sure but I have faith that the two of you will work it out when the time is right. As for being a mother; I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother when that time comes. You're wonderful with children; look at how much Greg adores you; your nephew loves you so very much."
"Yeah, but he doesn't have to live with me," she said, her graze flicking to the sofa where her alleged time traveling adult daughter sat. "My kid will probably hate me."
"Not a chance," Naomi soothed. "Now listen, Bambina; you've been letting your thoughts roam too much. I know you probably have work to do this weekend but I think you better let it wait and take some time for yourself. You need to go out tomorrow and get some fresh air, do some shopping or see a movie…take some time for yourself. For tonight, perhaps you should get a glass of wine and get into bed with a good book or find something on TV to occupy your mind and get some much needed rest, okay?"
"Okay," she sniffled.
"Everything's going to be fine," her mother told her. "You take time for yourself tomorrow and then Sunday, you come over for dinner and I'll make your favorite, would you like that?"
She struggled to get her emotions under control. "Yeah…but only if you want to."
"Of course I want to make your favorite. I haven't made you your fettuccini with butter sauce in awhile so you're probably long overdue although I know you know how to make it…"
"It's the same," Johanna replied. "You do it better."
"You just think that because you know I make it with love for you," Naomi told her. "Are you going to be okay tonight? Should I send your father to get you?"
"No," she told her, although she wished she could say yes. "I'll be okay…I'm just weepy tonight I guess."
"You're tired and haven't spent enough time taking care of yourself, Bambina," Naomi assured. "You take time for you tomorrow; work can wait…and you'll see, you'll feel much better. I'll let you go so you can get some rest."
"Okay…I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, darling," Naomi replied. "I'll check on you tomorrow."
Johanna said goodbye and hung up the phone, her gaze moving back to Kate.
"I guess the emotional meltdowns aren't new," Kate muttered.
"Some people love their mother," Johanna retorted. "And I get it, you don't love yours…but you don't seem too damn loveable yourself, so obviously your mother went wrong somewhere."
"You're my mother," Kate retorted. "I never said I didn't love you."
"But you make it clear…you're so full of bitterness and hate."
"I am not!"
"Yes, you are, so let's just get to it."
"Get to what?" Kate asked.
"What did I do to make you so angry?" Johanna asked sharply. "Have you always hated me? Was I just bad at being a mother from the start?"
"No, you were a great mother when I was a kid," Kate sighed. "I already told you that. I spent most of my childhood thinking you were right up there with Wonder Woman."
"And then you found out that I wasn't?"
"Everyone finds that out sooner or later," Kate replied. "Haven't you found that out about your mother?"
She shrugged. "I know she's not perfect…but she's a lot closer to it than I am."
"That's not true."
"I think I know myself and my mother better than you do," Johanna replied. "But my mother isn't the topic…yours is."
"You say that like you're not her."
"It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am," she admitted.
"I guess I can't blame you for that," Kate muttered. "It's hard for me to think of you as the person I know in my world right now."
"Because I'm old in your world?"
"You're not old, just at the deep end of middle age," Kate remarked. "You don't act old; trust me on that one at least."
"But what did I do that makes you so angry with me? Besides the things you already mentioned."
She sighed deeply, raking a hand through her long hair. "Things happened."
Johanna studied her for a moment. "You made a statement about my job earlier…about it almost doing me in…is that what happened or part of it?"
"You know I can't tell you details about that."
Johanna worried her bottom lip. "But is that when it all fell apart? Because you keep saying your childhood was good…but clearly those feelings didn't last into your adulthood and the only thing you've mentioned that could really be something life changing was about my job…so was that when it fell apart?"
"Yeah…it is."
"How does tanking my career and getting myself into trouble cause that? You said my job put me in danger…but if I survived like you and your ghostly friend keep telling me…then how did it bring things to this?"
"It's hard to explain when I can't tell you everything."
"Try anyway…I can't help you get back home if I don't know how to help you here," Johanna told her. "Because as much as you don't want to be here…I don't want you here either, because my future sounds bleak on your lips and I can't stand it. I can't stand even temporarily knowing that this is what it's going to come to, so just tell me…tell me what happened to cause all of this. What happened with my job that did this. I don't give a damn what that ghost said you can tell me…you give me answers; you tell me what it was that I did."
Frustration kicked in her veins. "We were separated because of your damn job and the trouble you found."
Johanna studied her for a long moment, working through the possibilities. "Did I send you away to keep you safe?"
"No."
Johanna was quiet as she pondered the information. "I went away?"
"Yes," Kate said as a burst of cool air filled the room but Sarah didn't appear.
Johanna felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. "Willingly or by force?"
"That's not an easy question to answer…it wasn't your idea and yet sometimes it feels like you did it easily enough."
"You can't think that I'd want to be separated from you, do you? Especially if it wasn't my idea. Who's idea was it? Was it Jim's?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "He would've made you go if he had known but…"
"What do you mean if he had known? You said we're still together."
"You are."
"Then how wouldn't he know?"
"Because we weren't allowed to know."
Puzzlement furrowed her brow as Johanna thought over the information. "That sounds like something on a federal level…was I working on a federal case somehow?"
"No…let's just say you got bored having an empty nest and took a case that brought you a world of trouble," Kate remarked.
"It still sounds like federal involvement…I went away and you and Jim couldn't know…oh," she said as realization dawned on her. "Tell me, in your time, do they still have that program for protecting witnesses?"
Kate nodded. "They sure do…it's still kind of new here in your world, isn't it?"
"It's been around for a few years…I was still at Columbia when it began. It was discussed in a few of my classes as a new part of the law enforcement and legal system. Is that where I ended up?"
"I think you already know."
Another burst of cold air filled the room and Sarah appeared before them. "Katie," she said firmly. "You're coming dangerously close to breaking the rules."
"I haven't given the details," Kate said with a shake of her head. "Besides, she's mainly piecing it together on her own…you should've expected that."
"Yes, I guess I should have," Sarah admitted. "She's always been a quick thinker."
"Go away," Johanna told her. "I need to know how it all fell apart."
"I can't allow you to know all of the details," Sarah told her. "Katie knows the rules."
"I don't need everything; I just need some framework so I can work this out," Johanna cried. "You say I have to help her…and that she needs to know me…well how can we do either of these things if only one of us knows what we're dealing with!?"
"Because some things can't be known to you right now," Sarah stated. "Katie, please be careful with your topic…I suppose I will have to let you divulge a little as you've already done but no concrete details, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Sarah," she sighed. "I'm doing the best I can."
"I've heard that before," the spirit muttered. "Remember, I am watching and listening."
Kate nodded as Sarah faded from the room once more.
"So I have to go into hiding," Johanna said, picking up the topic. "Which of course destroys my family. How long am I gone?"
"You know I can't tell you that."
"A few months?" Johanna asked.
"No."
She swallowed hard. "Years?"
Kate nodded. "Don't ask how many, okay? Because I can't tell you."
Her throat tightened. "I do come home, right?" she asked quietly.
"Yes, you come home."
Tears filled her eyes. "Jim takes me back?"
"Of course he takes you back; there isn't a universe out there where he would ever hesitate to take you back. You're all that he's ever wanted; he'd never turn his back on you."
"But you did?" Johanna asked.
"I wanted to," Kate admitted. "But we had to solve the case."
"I was gone for years and came back without the case being resolved? Isn't that against the rules?"
"Apparently they didn't follow the rules you gave them as a condition for you going along with their plan," Kate replied.
"What rules were they?"
She hesitated, feeling the chill in the air but it felt like they had gone too far to turn back now. "To keep me safe…but it wasn't all their fault. I was the one who kept digging…desperate to solve it, to figure out what had happened."
Johanna's mind worked furiously. "The trouble I found…it found you?"
"Yes."
"They hurt you?"
Kate nodded. "Yeah, they did."
"Oh God," she cried, the tears breaking free. "You got hurt because of me…that's why you hate me…and I can't blame you for that. What kind of mother causes her child to get hurt? Oh my God…it's so much worse than I imagined."
"I'm fine," Kate assured. "You didn't get me hurt. I'm the one who chased it. I made the decisions."
"But you made them because of me," Johanna cried. "You got hurt because of me…that's why you hate me and I can't think of a single reason to tell you not to…I should be hated for that."
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I don't hate you, and yeah, things were hard when you came home but we solved the case together. We got through it."
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's true."
"Then why is it so bad that you had to be sent back in time? Johanna asked, the tears dripping off her cheeks.
"I don't entirely know…I…just…I don't know why we can't get it together," Kate admitted. "It's like we're total opposites…and I feel like you're different than you were before you went away."
"How can I not be different?" Johanna asked. "I imagine I must've been very lonely without you and Jim…stress and fear and loneliness…self-hatred for finding this trouble…that has to take a toll on a person, doesn't it?"
"I get that…but it feels like it's been long enough for you to get over it."
"How can I get over something like that?" Johanna asked. "Knowing what could've happened to me…what happened to you…how long it took. How can I ever get over that?"
"Because you need to."
"Is it really me that needs to?" Johanna asked through her tears. "Or is it you? Maybe it's been long enough for you too and yet you won't let it go either."
The words slammed into her with the weight of a slap to her face and she stood there staring at the younger version of her mother, unable to speak.
"Maybe I can't let go because you won't let me," Johanna continued on. "Maybe you feel like you were better off without me."
"No!" Kate exclaimed. "I'm not better off without you."
"And yet you don't really want me around."
"It's not that…it's just you want too much."
"I wish I could say it's the first time I've been accused of that but it isn't," she said softly.
"What do you mean?"
"I remember the guidance counselor in school when we all had little appointments to talk about colleges and where to apply and what to major in…when I said I wanted to go to law school; he told me I was reaching too far; that it would be too much…that I'd be better off in secretarial school. I told him I had all the things a good school required, the grades, extracurricular activities, community work…and he looked at me and shook his head and said despite good grades, a cheerleader who helps her mother at church bake sales was more qualified for secretarial school than law school. I told my father…and he told me sometimes I have to make a stand…and if I feel I deserve more than what I'm offered, it's my job to fight for it…so I applied to my dream school among others…and I got in, and I made it into the law program…I passed every class…I even graduated a little earlier than I should have because I took summer classes whenever I could. I wanted it and I deserved it and I got it…just like Dad said I could."
"You never told me that someone tried to discourage you from law school," Kate admitted. "But I don't think it's exactly the same."
"Yes, it is," she said with a nod. "Someone said I wanted too much and tried to make me change course but I didn't. I just wanted it all the more then. Mama said during Colleen's wedding fiasco that I want too much in a man, that I want a fairy tale and that I need to find something I can settle for…well I can't just settle. I know exactly what I want in a man and I'm not going to just toss that aside and settle for someone because people think I should've already been married by now. I didn't just settle instead of having the career I wanted…so why would I just settle for anyone when I can hope for the man I want to be my husband?"
"I don't think that's the same…and besides, you'll get him."
"I got my law degree…and I'll have the man I want…I clearly have the child I want…so why would you ever think that I wouldn't want the best relationship possible with my daughter? Why would I just settle for whatever crumbs you want to give…especially knowing we had to spend time apart and the damage that would've caused…so why would you think I would just settle?"
"Because I could've given you nothing," Kate shot back.
"I don't accept nothing when it's something important to me," Johanna remarked. "I imagine you're worth everything to me; you say you're my only child…why would I just let you go without a fight? I fight for what I want, Katie…and I know in my heart, that these sins you accuse me of are because I want to keep you. You say I want too much…well maybe you want too little."
Kate stared at her for a long moment. "That's the first time you've said my name since I got here."
"It seems odd but it felt right saying it," Johanna murmured. "Like somewhere inside I know it's right…and I'm sorry."
"For what?" Kate asked.
"For all the things I've done that have hurt you or caused you to be hurt…it's not the kind of mother I aspire to be. I always just wanted to be the mother that mine is…and clearly I failed at that and I'm so very sorry. I would never want to let you down on purpose…and I know I'd rather me be hurt than my child. I'm sorry, Katie; for everything."
She even did the apologizing thing here, Kate thought to herself as she studied her, seeing the anguish on her tearstained face. She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling weary and having a feeling that her stay here wasn't going to end as soon as either one of them hoped. "Let's not talk about it anymore right now."
"But how can I get you home if I don't know how to help?" Johanna asked.
"I don't think Sarah intends for me to go home tonight," Kate admitted. "And while I don't completely understand how that all works, that she can make my world be suspended while I'm here…I have no choice but to believe that she can work all of that out…unless she's ready for me to leave here."
"Oh no, Bunny," Sarah said as she appeared in the room. "There's still work to be done; you'll stay awhile longer."
"That's what I was afraid of."
"This isn't a process to be rushed through," Sarah replied. "And you don't need to worry about your world; everything will be fine there; no one is aware of anything going on…they all think it's just one of those days that's dragging by slowly."
"But in this world, time is moving as it should?" Johanna asked.
"Yes, dear…and when this is all over and Katie and I leave; you won't remember our time here…instead you'll remember the evening you had planned to have."
"If you say so," Johanna replied.
"I do," Sarah said with a smile. "I'm going to leave you now; try and relax…this will go much more smoothly if you'll both just relax."
"Easier said than done," Kate said as the spirit disappeared once more.
Johanna studied her for a long moment. "Do you want me to give you something to sleep in so you can be more comfortable?" she asked.
Part of her wanted to say no, that's she'd sleep in the clothes she had on but it seemed stupid to be stubborn about something like that. If she had to stay, she may as well be comfortable. "Yeah, if you don't mind," Kate replied.
"I don't mind," Johanna said. "Come with me."
Kate followed her down the short hallway to the bedroom, shifting on her feet as she watched Johanna rummage through the drawer and come up with a pair of silky pink pajama shorts and the matching short sleeved top. "Will this be okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, that will be fine," Kate told her as she accepted the offering.
"If you want to take a shower, you'll find clean towels and wash cloths in the linen closet in the bathroom," Johanna went on. "There are new toothbrushes in the bottom drawer of the sink cabinet."
Her muscles felt tight with tension and the thought of hot water pouring over her for a few minutes sounded nice. "Thank you, I'd like to take a shower."
"Go ahead," Johanna told her as she moved to the bed to pull the covers back. "When you're finished; you can take my room. You can turn the TV on if you want. I'll sleep on the couch."
"No; I'm not going to take your bed from you," Kate said with a shake of her head.
"It's okay, I don't mind. I've fallen asleep on the couch watching TV many times; it doesn't bother me to sleep there."
"No, I'll take the couch," Kate insisted. "You sleep in your bed…you had a long day and an unexpected house guest; you deserve to sleep in your own bed."
"I'm willing to let you have it though."
"I know and I appreciate it but I'll be fine on the couch, okay?"
Johanna nodded reluctantly. "Okay. I'll make sure the door is locked and I'll leave the light on for you in the living room. If you get hungry, you can get what you want from the kitchen. You can watch TV or read…I have some new magazines on the coffee table and some books on the shelves. The newspaper is probably laying around somewhere."
"I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Oh, I better get you a pillow and a blanket," Johanna said. "You go on and get your shower; I'll get things ready for you to settle down for the night."
"Alright," Kate said as she followed her from the room. She didn't know how long she was going to be stuck here…but it looked like the woman she was temporarily living with was falling into mother mode quickly.