A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 7

After seeing her houseguest settled on the sofa in the living room; Johanna settled into her own bed, propped up against the pillows, her mind a swirl of information she had learned as the TV played on the dresser. She ached inside, knowing how her life would one day spiral out of her control. It was all too much to bear, knowing that she'd have a daughter who would one day hate her…that her hate would stem from the fact that she had screwed up epically with a decision to take a case that she shouldn't have. She would have everything she wanted…and she'd lose it by her own hand and cause her daughter to be hurt in the process. Johanna squeezed her eyes shut; she couldn't stand the thought of it. It was one thing to cost herself everything…it was another to hurt her child and Jim because of her own stupidity.

Before she could ponder it all further, the phone on the nightstand rang and she quickly snatched it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart," Jim replied. "I wanted to check on you before you go to bed. Is she still there?"

"Yeah; she's still here," she murmured. "She's settled down in the living room…she wouldn't take my room."

"I'm not surprised," Jim said. "She doesn't seem like the type to accept much hospitality."

"At least not from me."

"How has it been going since I left?" he asked.

"Terrible…oh, Jim; it's going to be so terrible," she breathed.

"What is?"

"Life at a certain point," Johanna said, tears clogging her throat. "She told me more…and I…I can't stand the thought of it."

"What did she tell you?"

Johanna did her best to hold the tears at bay as she told him that she had learned that there would be a case that would bring danger to her; that it would lead to her spending years in hiding and that their daughter would be hurt in pursuit of the case.

"That's why she hates me," she cried, emotion breaking free. "And I don't blame her…I would hate me too."

Jim was quiet for several minutes, making her think that he had hung up. "Jim, are you still there?" she asked, her voice thick with tears.

"I'm here," he said quietly. "Don't cry, okay? We don't know for sure that it will be the way she says."

"It has to be or she wouldn't be here…I've never felt so helpless in my life."

"Listen, don't worry…I won't let it happen. I won't let anything happen to you, Johanna."

"She says that you don't know where I am when I'm in hiding."

"I won't let it happen," he said firmly. "Trust me…we won't let it happen."

"We're not supposed to remember," she cried.

"I don't care if we remember or not, I won't let it happen. I'll keep you safe, Jo. I promise I'll keep you safe. You trust me…not this person who popped in out of thin air. Trust me."

Johanna forced herself to get her emotions under control, because there was nothing she wanted more than to trust that he could keep these things from happening. "I figured out that she's born in November 1979," she told him; needing to dial down the intensity and desperation she felt between them.

"1979," Jim repeated. "We still have awhile to wait for her."

"Yeah…but maybe that's a good thing."

"Most likely," he agreed. "There's a lot of things we still want to do before then."

"That's true."

"November, huh…you know what that means?" he asked.

"No, what?"

He gave a short laugh. "It means we have more than just take out on Valentine's Day that year."

She giggled despite herself, swiping away the teardrops that we still on her cheeks. "You want me to blow your mind even more?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Apparently we're already married for a little while before she comes along…."

"Well of course,' Jim replied. "I wouldn't ruin your reputation by getting you pregnant before we were married…not on purpose anyway."

She laughed softly. "I have to admit, I thought maybe she was the reason we got married…no offense."

"None taken," he chuckled. "I kind of wondered that myself."

"It's strange to think about, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Us…you know…getting married one day."

"It's not so strange," Jim replied. "It's just…well…we're just us right now…we talked a little in North Carolina…you know…"

"About right now and someday," Johanna remarked.

"Yeah…I can't see myself ever wanting that someday with anyone but you."

"I know I don't want it with anyone else," she murmured. "I like knowing that someday will come."

"Me too…even if it is temporary knowledge."

"I don't know much about this kind of thing…I know you like to read sci-fi books that have time travel and you like those movies…is it a thing in those stories that the people the time traveler interacts with can't remember what happened after they leave?" she asked.

"Sometimes."

"Why is that?"

"In the stories I've read that touch on that angle; it's because the time traveler doesn't want the people they spoke with to end up changing the course of events in the other universe for fear of what might happen if they do."

"Then why does the time traveler go there in the first place?" she asked.

"Usually because they need some piece of information that solves something in their universe or fixes something within their power to fix; where if the people they interacted with, changed things; they wouldn't be going back to the same world they left."

"It's strange to think about us being in another universe where we're older…does that mean history is just constantly repeating in time with some central timeline? Like is there a universe out there where I'm still a little girl?"

"I don't know…I never thought of it out of the realm of stories, but given what we're seeing, I'm guessing there is," Jim replied.

"And that's why we can't know exact dates…although we're told we won't remember."

Jim was quiet for a moment. "I don't want to bring up the thing that she says is going to happen to you," he said, his voice strained. "But did she give any indication of when it happens?"

"The best I can figure out is that it happens when she's in college," Johanna replied. "She said I was bored with my empty nest and took this case that got me in trouble."

"So we have to figure she's what, between the ages of eighteen to twenty?"

"That's what I'm guessing."

"She's born in 79…so we have to figure sometime between 1997 and 1999."

"That's the timeframe I'm thinking," Johanna murmured. "Those years would sound so far away if it was about something else…but right now they feel much too close."

"Don't worry, sweetheart; we'll be okay…I promise."

The tears stung her eyes once more. "Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"They say we won't remember but what if we do?"

"Then that gives us plenty of time to take care of the issue, doesn't it?" he asked.

"Yeah…but I think they're going to try really hard to make sure it's wiped from our minds…but what if bits and pieces remain?"

"We'll put them together and take care of it."

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

Her throat tightened, emotion choking her once more. "If I say something…and we end up remembering it; will you be mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because it kind of relates back to our conversation in North Carolina about someday? I know I shouldn't say it, just in case we do remember…but everything feels so terrible and bleak…and even though they told me I survived and she showed me a picture of us in the future…I feel like time suddenly seems so fleeting… and all I can think about is saying it this once, because if we don't remember, there's no harm done by it…but if we do…."

"Is it something bad?"

"No," she said, a tear breaking free. "It's not bad…just something I really want to say…but I don't want to risk upsetting you."

"I won't be upset…no matter what. If we don't remember, like you said, no harm done. If we do…we'll also remember what was going on when it was said and we won't get upset about it, okay? So say what you need to say."

"Jim," she breathed.

"Yeah?"

She did her best to swallow her sob. "I love you."

There was silence on the line for the space of a heartbeat, enough to make her hate herself for allowing herself to say the words but then his voice sounded in her ear. "I love you too."

The sob broke free. "You're not going to be angry if we remember saying it?"

"No…if we remember, we'll work it out then, even if we're not sure we're ready…but knowing it right now, should prove to you that you can trust me to take care of things, Jo. I'll keep you safe."

"I trust you," she replied; an idea taking shape in her mind. "We'll get through this."

"That's right; we will," Jim assured. "I know it's not going to be easy for you, sweetheart, but try and get some rest and maybe this thing will be over sometime tomorrow."

"Will you call me in the morning?" Johanna asked.

"Yes; as soon as I get awake," he promised. "We're going to figure out what she needs and get her on her way tomorrow; don't you worry."

"Easier said than done," she murmured.

"I know…but try. It's going to be alright. I promise."

"I hope so," she said before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.

Johanna leaned back against her pillows, thinking over everything that had been said…allowing her heart to be warm for a few minutes as she remembered the sound of his 'I love you too' and she hated to push it away, but she did; thinking about what he had told her about what he had read in stories about time travel and her idea began to take shape once more as she got up and grabbed a pad of paper and a pen.

"Is it really me that needs to or is it you? Maybe it's been long enough for you too and yet you won't let it go either," the words the younger version of Johanna had spoken kept running through Kate's mind that night as she laid awake on the sofa, the 1970s style TV playing quietly in the dark room. "Maybe I can't let go because you won't let me."

Kateh sighed deeply. Those words had slammed into her with the force of a slap…and yet she had brushed them off for awhile as they made themselves settle for the night and accept that she was stuck there for the time being…but now, in the quietness of the dark; the words came back, over and over, making her wonder if there wasn't some truth in them. Maybe she hadn't let it go in the ways she had thought…and maybe because she kept hanging on to that jagged little shard of anger and blame, it kept her from fully accepting her mother back into her world even though it had been a little over two years now.

Even worse was the thought that maybe her mother couldn't get over things not because of herself…but because of her. Was she the reason that Johanna Beckett couldn't fully let go of what had happened in their lives? Was she the one holding her back somehow? Kate wrinkled her nose; she hated the idea that she was somehow part of her problem…but maybe she was…and the woman she knew in her world would never say so; in fact there were so many times when she could see her mother swallowing the words she wanted to say. Johanna Beckett kept her feelings and thoughts suppressed until she was pushed to the point where the only thing left that she could do was explode in a torrent of angry words or tears. Johanna McKenzie, on the other hand, had sat there that evening and had no qualms telling her exactly what she thought, from calling her an insensitive little bitch, to asking that very difficult question…is it really me that needs to or is it you?

The woman she knew in her world was always so quick to accept the blame…and this woman wasn't, she didn't deny her share but she refused to accept it alone. In her world, her mother always took the blame…because she was always the one being blamed, with no one else willing to take their share, Kate thought to herself…and she hated to admit, even to herself, that she rarely ever took her share…but she sure did do her share of the blaming. Was that what she was supposed to learn? That she didn't take her share of the blame…that if her mother had changed so much it was because she was beaten down by circumstances…and rules that were the conditions of her homecoming?

The whole thing made her head hurt, Kate thought as she turned onto her side and forced herself to focus on the TV. She didn't want to think about all of these things. She hated this and she wanted to go home…but it didn't look like that was going to happy any time soon. She pulled the blanket up further, breathing in the familiar scent of strawberries that always lingered on her mother. It was the only thing she found comforting at the moment as she sank back into her thoughts.

The soft sound of footsteps jerked Kate out of her thoughts later that night, her gaze straying to the threshold of the hallway where Johanna was carefully stepping into the room. Johanna flinched as their gazes collided. "Did I wake you?" Johanna asked softly.

"No, I can't sleep," Kate admitted. "Is the TV keeping you awake?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I have mine on in the bedroom…I usually go to sleep with the TV on."

"I know…I just thought maybe I had this one too loud."

"No," she said as she moved to the sofa and perched on the edge of the cushion.

Kate moved to sit up to give her room, but Johanna laid her hand on her arm. "You don't have to move; you seem comfortable despite not being able to sleep."

"It is a comfortable couch…surprisingly."

"Why is it a surprise?"

"I don't know…I guess I'm thinking of its age in modern terms instead of what it is here in this time."

"That's understandable…I keep trying to think of myself as the woman in the picture you showed me, but I can't quite do it."

"I get that," Kate replied. "You're in your twenties here…how can you really think about being that person…she's seen and been through more than you at the moment."

She lowered her head, her dark hair falling across her face for a moment until she brushed it back. "My heart hurts for her…thinking about how her life turns out…and then I realize that she is me…and I hurt all the more. Sometimes I think things are bad for me now…and now I think about her and realize this is all just a walk in the park."

"If I've given you the impression that everything in your life is bad; I didn't mean to do that," Kate replied. "You have a good life; you have happiness and good times. I know you probably have dreams I don't know of…maybe things you wanted to achieve in your career that you didn't because you put me first when I was growing up…but you were happy. You have Dad and you have me, and yeah, that terrible thing happened and it took so long but you came back…you got it back; you and Dad are happy together, checking things off your dream list, you work, you and Maggie have girls days and yoga classes; you…"

"What about Sharon?" Johanna asked. "Are we still friends in your world."

Kate worried her bottom lip for a moment and then shook her head. "No…I'm sorry."

Johanna was quiet for a moment as she allowed the answer to sink in. "You know, somehow I'm not surprised at your answer."

"Really? I thought you'd cry…she was your best friend."

"It stings to know…but for some reason, I'm not surprised."

"I don't think I understand."

Johanna shrugged. "We're not the friends we used to be…she's changed, not always in the best ways either. I don't like to think about that day coming…but my gut tells me that I already know it will."

"It's not anytime soon if that makes you feel any better."

"I still have Maggie?"

Kate nodded. "Yes; she and Jeff were on that trip to London with you and Dad. You two are best of friends as always."

"Good."

"Listen…like I was saying, your life isn't terrible. There have been bad times; but overall, you're happy."

"But probably not as happy as I could've been if that terrible thing hadn't happened," Johanna murmured.

"There's nothing to be done about that."

"I understand why you hate the woman in the picture," Johanna went on. "She gave you a good childhood based on your words…but then she screwed up and took you down with her…and that isn't fair to you. You have every right to hate her."

"I don't hate her."

"But you don't love her either."

"I never said that; I do love her."

"How can you?" Johanna asked. "Someone who hurt you so much…who caused harm to come to you? My father and I…we don't get along at all…sometimes he can't even stand the sight of me…but the one thing I have always known all my life is that despite it all, he'll keep me safe and never let anything hurt me while he's still breathing. It should've been that way for you too…I should've kept you safe and I failed."

"It's not your fault," Kate told her.

"How can you say that? I took a case that got me in trouble…that's no one's fault but mine. I should've been more careful."

"You were just doing your job," she replied. "You didn't know it was going to be the way it was. You thought it was just like any other case…a little more challenging but just another case."

"I should've known…I should've done better. You said I was bored with an empty nest…I assume that means you had gone away to college."

"I can't tell you anymore than you already know."

"That's okay, I've worked out enough details to figure out how to fix it."

"You can't fix it…you're not going to remember this."

"When the phone rang earlier after I was in my room; it was Jim," Johanna said. "He wanted to check on me…and since he's always into this sci-fi stuff, I asked him why he thought we weren't allowed to remember and why we couldn't know dates and he said in the movies and in books, it's because they're afraid someone can alter the timeline in the other universe; that they can change the outcome of certain events and such and change the universe the person has to go back to. I admit that I hate that stuff…and I only sit through one of those movies with him when he asks because he always sits through mine, but it made sense…."

"You're rambling," Kate said, a small measure of panic in her stomach. "You always ramble when you're nervous."

"I know…but anyway, it made sense…and while I don't know exact dates; I can piece enough together to have a timeframe…and I'm going to fix it."

"You can't," she said slowly. "You're not going to remember."

Johanna shook her head. "I've got a plan for how to get around that. I'm going to fix it for you, Katie. The woman in the picture failed you because she didn't know any better…but I do. I can keep the bad things from happening."

"You can't."

"I can. If I could, I'd quit my job Monday morning to be sure of it, but I don't have a good reason to do that…but I am going to be more careful of the cases I take from now on."

"You can't just go and change things even if you do somehow remember…I mean, what if you did something and you ended up not being my mother?"

"You'd probably be better off," Johanna murmured.

Kate sat up and shook her head. "No, I wouldn't be. I don't want different parents."

"Don't worry," she replied. "I'm too selfish to give you up completely…you're a part of Jim…you're a part of me. I can't give you up. We'll have you; don't you worry about that. I've got time to think about my timeline for doing things, since you're still a few years away…but I've decided that I'll either stop working when you're born…or I'll change jobs when you're in high school. You say I like teaching so maybe I can switch careers earlier…by then it would be acceptable that I was bored with my job and wanted something new. I'll be in forties then…they can chalk it up to that mid-life crisis thing."

"No; you can't do that. You can't just go and change things."

"I'm only going to change the bad things…."

"But in doing that you could change everything…and what if that's worse?" Kate asked.

"It can't be worse."

"But you don't know that for sure! You can't just rush out and change things…you could change our whole lives. What if fixing things means I'm not a cop…"

"Then you'll definitely be safer."

"But that's how I met Castle," she exclaimed. "If you go and try to change things, I might not meet my husband…you can't do that to me."

"If you and he are meant to be together; you'll find each other no matter what," Johanna replied. "And maybe it'll be a happier occasion when your wedding comes."

Kate shook her head. "No; you can't change this; even Sarah said some things can't be changed…even she couldn't stop what happened to you and she's the one who's been watching over you your whole life and even her hands were tied. It was meant to happen for some unfathomable reason, Mom…and you can't change it."

Johanna met her eye. "For you, I can try…for you, I will."

"Why!" she yelled. "You don't even know me! I don't even exist in this world of yours."

"My heart knows," she murmured. "I know it doesn't make sense…you're some stranger to me and yet my heart knows that you belong to me…and I have to save you if I can…because that's what mothers do. I'd throw my career away tomorrow if I could, just to keep this thing from touching you. I had big dreams…dreams I know will never come true regarding my career…"

"Like what?" Kate asked, hoping to distract her.

"Like arguing a case in front of the Supreme Court…maybe even being a State's Attorney…or making a name for myself in civil rights cases…but the phone book is full of lawyers in this city; and I'm barely a blip on the radar. I know I'm not going to save the world like I thought I could when I was daydreaming in high school…but I can save you; and that means more to me than anything my job can give me."

She sucked in a shaky breath. "But if you gave it up…you wouldn't be you. Like you said earlier, you worked so hard for it…the law, it's a part of you…it's even a part of your love story. You're not you without the law, Mom. You can't just throw it away…and maybe you haven't saved the world but you already saved me…you came home and we solved the case and you're the one who took that person down, it wasn't me…it was you…and you did it for me. You already saved me."

"If it hadn't gotten to that point; it wouldn't have been necessary," Johanna replied.

Kate grabbed her wrist, her fingers biting into the young woman's wrist. "There are people out there that need you to be their lawyer. Hotel maids that need you to fight for their rights, because you do make a name for yourself fighting for people's rights. People who are wrongly convicted and need you to win their appeal so they can go home to their families…business owners who only trust you to handle their legal work. A teenage girl you saw that the police station being deprived of her rights…you butted right in that day; you demanded to be her lawyer, that they call her mother, that you be present while she was questioned. That girl was innocent; caught up in something a friend of hers had done while she was with her. You had the whole thing wrapped up before her mother could even get there. There was a woman who had a few brushes with the law that you represented and no one would give her a chance to get her life straightened out; they wouldn't give her a job or the time of day…so you got her a job at your firm…and helped her get into business classes. You coached her through her job interviews, made sure she had nice clothes to get started…and she worked her way clear up to the Mayor's office where she's an executive assistant and she's never forgotten what you did for her and how you'd never take a dime from her in repayment. Those are just a few things off the top of my head…so maybe you don't save the entire world but you changed theirs…and you still managed to save me too."

"As much as I want to help the people you speak of…I can't put them before you. You say I saved you in your world…but clearly it didn't matter because the damage had already been done. You should've never been in that situation and you wouldn't have been if I had been smarter. If I change things…you can be safe and happy…and so can Jim…and maybe I can be too. Maybe we can all be better in a world that has a few tweaks."

Kate shook her head. "You can't…you don't know what changing things could unleash."

"It would unleash peace in your life," Johanna replied.

"But what about your life?"

"As long as I have Jim and you…I'm willing to risk it. I know the law is a part of me…but apparently it's also my downfall; so maybe I'll be happier without it when the time comes to give it up…and I will give it up for you, Katie. I've been thinking about it all the last few hours and it was the only logical conclusion…so I have a plan to remember…and I'll fix everything for you. Don't look so worried; I'll be okay…I've made my peace with it. I just wanted to come tell you that I figured it out and how to fix it," Johanna said with a smile. "So don't you worry; everything is going to be okay. If you're still here tomorrow, maybe we can go out for awhile and get some air…maybe we can get along better now that we have it all out in the open."

"Mom," she said with a sigh.

"That's still weird to hear but I think I'm getting used to it…but maybe you shouldn't call me that if we go out tomorrow, okay?"

"We'll worry about tomorrow in the morning," Kate told her. "For now let's…"

"For now, I'm going to back to bed," Johanna said. "I think I can sleep now…and you should be able to sleep too because now you know I'm going to take care of everything," she replied as she rose from the sofa. "Can I get you anything?"

"Yeah; you can get this idea of changing our lives out of your mind."

Johanna smiled as she shook her head. "It's going to be alright; you'll see…we'll be happier."

"What if we're not?"

"I won't let that happen," Johanna told her. "Go to sleep now; you need to get some rest."

"You sound more like my mother every minute," Kate muttered.

"It feels weird to me too," she replied. "But it's okay; I'm getting used to it…kind of anyway. I'll see you in the morning."

Kate stayed silent as her mother disappeared down the hallway; her mind swirling with everything that she had been told. "Sarah," she whispered. "You better get back here!"