A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 8

The night seemed to stretch out endlessly in front of Kate as she continued to lay awake on the sofa, trying desperately to summon Sarah. She didn't know what Johanna McKenzie's plan was but she knew it had to be stopped…even if a part of her wished she could let her change things the way she wanted. She knew it couldn't be that way though…that the risk was too great to take a chance on. She really hadn't expected this younger version of her mother to hatch a plan to try and remember so that she could alter the course of events…but in hindsight, she probably should have…and Sarah should've expected it too, she figured.

"Come on Sarah; come back," Kate muttered quietly.

"I'm here, dear," Sarah said as she finally appeared in the room.

"What took you so long?" Kate hissed as she sat up.

"I had something to take care of," the spirit replied.

"Oh how nice; you're occupied somewhere else and she's in there sleeping peacefully now that she's hatched some plan of how to remember this so she can change things."

"I'm aware of the issue…how do you know she's sleeping peacefully though?"

Kate glared at her. "Because I peeked in her room and she's sound asleep…earlier, I could hear her moving around, maybe even pacing a little…and eventually she settled…then came out here awhile later and told me her idea before going back to bed."

Sarah smiled. "She is sleeping peacefully at the moment and I am aware of what she's been up to but I couldn't come right away…."

"What are you going to do about this?" Kate interrupted. "I don't think you thought this thing through when you concocted this plan of yours."

Sarah sighed. "I suppose I didn't in some ways…"

"Now I know where my mother gets it from," Kate remarked.

Sarah smirked at her. "Don't leave yourself out of the equation, Bunny. You've been guilty of the same thing."

She frowned. "What are you going to do about this? Where were you?"

"Darling; she told your father everything she had learned when he called to check on her tonight. He also developed a plan to remember…and I had to wait for him to fall asleep so I could thwart that plan," Sarah said as she held up a folded sheet of paper.

Her brow furrowed. "He wrote it down?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes; he wrote it down and hid it in his briefcase where he'd be sure to find it when this is over. I had to wait for him to go to sleep so that I could take it. I also had to arrange for him to forget something that was said in their phone conversation that they shouldn't have said."

"What was that?" Kate asked.

"They figured since they're not supposed to remember that it would be fine just this once to give in and confess their love for each other."

"Why the hell would they do that when they're skeptical about actually forgetting…and still desperately clinging to their just friends status?"

The spirit smiled. "Because despite being skeptical, they know they won't remember so there's no pressure of wondering if they're ready to handle that. But in allowing themselves to say the words, it's a risk of changing their timeline and we can't have that so I've made sure he's forgotten that detail of the conversation…and I've made sure she has as well…and then I had to thwart her plan, which was hiding in the jewelry box," Sarah said, holding up another set of folded up papers.

"She wrote it down too?" Kate murmured.

"Yes…they're truly meant to be, you know?"

"I never doubted that."

"No, I don't think anyone could. I'm going to let you read the letter she wrote to herself," Sarah said, stepping closer and holding out the pages to her.

Kate hesitated. "Do I really need to?"

"Yes, I think you do."

"Why?"

"Because you should read her words."

Kate accepted the pages, wishing that she didn't have to as Sarah watched her. She unfolded them carefully, taking a moment to take in her mother's familiar script. She had dated the letter; spent the opening lines explaining what had happened and assuring herself that she wasn't crazy for writing herself a letter or for the events she had described.

"Keep reading," Sarah instructed, as if she sensed that Kate felt it wasn't worth continuing.

You're going to have a daughter in November 1979; her name is Katherine, but you call her Katie. She's beautiful; tall like Jim, with the shape of his face and his mother's hair color. She has your eyes and your nose…apparently your temper too. She says you give her a good childhood; so clearly you started off alright…but then, that terrible thing I mentioned at the start of this letter happened and every good thing you gave her was obliterated by the stupidity of your choices. As best I can figure, these events happen sometime between 1997 and 1999 when she'll be college age. One stupid mistake and you wipe out everything…you destroy your family, cause your daughter to be hurt in pursuit of answers and earn her undying hate for it all.

It's not worth it, Johanna.

This career that you worked so hard for…that you're so proud of…that your father finally found pride for you in…it's just not worth it. Look, you're not going to save the world…lawyers are a dime a dozen in this city, you know that all too well. Those big dreams you had, that's all they'll ever be, deep down you know that. You're not going to save the world no matter how much you believe in truth and justice. You're not going to be anything more than what you are right now; saving the world isn't in the cards for you…but you can save your daughter.

Save your daughter…she needs you to save her. This unbelievable thing you've experienced where you've met the grown woman she is in 2014; she's bitter and full of anger and hate…and it's all your fault. You have to save her…you have to keep her safe. Your mistakes cause her to get hurt and you can't allow that to happen. You know you can't live with her blood on your hands. The guilt will eat you alive and she doesn't deserve to be dragged down by your stupidity…by your need to chase the dream…to alleviate the boredom of an empty nest.

You're going to have to give up the job…and I know, the thought of it punches you in the gut…but you have to let the job go. Your options are to give it up when she's born in November 1979…or wait until her teen years…but don't push your luck; pushing your luck pushes hers and you can't afford that.

Katie matters more than some dream that's never going to be achieved. She deserves to be happy and safe because that's what a mother does for her child. Give it up…go teach at Columbia even if you hate it. You might be bored, but she'll be safe and that's worth boredom and throwing your law degree in the garbage.

Just give it up, Johanna.

That degree you cling to is just a piece of paper…but she's your baby, your flesh and blood…a part of Jim; the proof that you were meant to be. It's just paper…throw it away…cut up your card for the bar association…burn your registration papers. Just let it go. You don't need the law…you need your daughter…and just maybe she needs you to be better than the person she knows in the world she came from.

It'll hurt letting it go when the time comes…but she's worth it. Your career will be over but you'll have her and Jim and that's all you really need. You can live without the law…and she'll be able to live a happier life…and maybe she won't hate you…and you won't hate yourself for causing her and Jim pain.

Let it go…sure hold on to it for now before she gets here…but let it go before it becomes too late to get out of this disaster. You're good but you're not the best…you're not going to the Supreme Court…Dad isn't going to change how he feels about you just because you have that piece of paper hanging on your wall. But you can change things for her. You can make her life better…and if she's happy, surely you will be too.

It's hard to think of letting it go; but you can do it for her. You'll love her enough that it won't be so difficult to let go. It'll be better this way for her, for Jim…for you. So keep it for a little while; but let it go before she's too far into her teen years…or let it go as soon as she's born…but you have to give it up. Please, just let it go…there is no alternative; it has to be done. So just do it; do it for her, for Jim. You'll be okay without it; and then one day, when you're having your picture taken at her wedding, you'll look happy instead of faking your way through it.

Kate's throat felt tight as she looked up at Sarah. "Why did you make me read this?"

"So you could see that if she had known what was coming; she would've gave it all up to prevent it," Sarah replied. "You don't believe her when she says that in your world…but maybe you can believe it now, seeing it from the woman who isn't a mother yet."

She swallowed hard. "She's so harsh about her career in this letter…demeaning her talent."

"No; she's just telling herself the truth…she's good but not the best; because no one is the best…that she's not the only lawyer out there. She's not one to be full of herself, Katie; she knows her limitations."

"But she's brutal to herself about it…she could've had her dreams…" she said before trailing off.

Sarah nodded. "She had her dream, she had you."

Kate worried her lip. "Yeah…but that's why she never went further in her career. She could've made a bigger name for herself if it hadn't been for me…."

"Being a mother meant more to her than chasing bigger cases and promotions," Sarah replied. "She left that to your father to do. I'm not saying she never felt jealous of his moving up while she stayed at the same level, she did…but you mattered more."

"I ruined her career," Kate murmured.

"No; the person who caused all the trouble that found her ruined her career and brought it to an end. She chose to set boundaries for her job once you came along; no one made her do that…she chose to; because becoming a mother gave her the fulfillment her job couldn't. She did what she could to have the best of both worlds; and sometimes when things were hard, she felt like she was losing on both sides, but she'd find a way through it."

"But she could've had her dreams if she hadn't put those boundaries on her career because of me…and maybe then none of this would've happened; she wouldn't have been bored when I went away to college."

Sarah shook her head. "The first time she heard your heartbeat; those dreams about her career no longer mattered. The only dream that mattered was having her baby and giving her all the love she could. You're not to blame for what happened…and neither is she; she didn't know what was waiting for her when she took that case. Yes, she was looking for a challenge…but if she had known…she would've quit, Katie. She would've never put you and Jim through it if she could've stopped it in time…but she couldn't. She didn't know she was in extreme danger until she was approached by the agents that took her from you. It was too late for her to have a choice; any decent choices that is. But with this letter; I think you can see, from the woman she is here in this world, that if she had known, she would've done anything to stop it. Your mother would do anything to change it…even here, where she isn't even a wife or mother yet, she's proved that she would even change the course of time for you. Maybe that should tell you something."

Tears filled her eyes. "I know she didn't want it to happen."

"No, she didn't…and when you were giving her the vague details of what the future holds for her; you told her sometimes you think she left easily enough; but that's not true, Katie. Nothing about it was easy…I was there…I was with her. I saw her hiding the pictures in her bra. I saw her tears, saw her shaking so hard that a female agent had to hold on to her to help her into the car. I saw her being sick until nothing was left in her stomach. I saw the woman you know, crumble and die inside…and yes, we can all agree that it took much too long, but she rose from the ashes…for you. They didn't uphold their end of the deal and she got herself together as much as she could and she came home so that the target on your back would shift back to her. If you would ever bring yourself to crack open that box of letters she wrote to you in Wyoming, you would know that and so much more; but you don't…because you don't want to feel her pain in her words…you'd rather cling to your own than recognize the fact that she hurts just as deeply and in more ways than you can imagine. The only thing that kept her from giving up completely was the thought of getting back home to you and Jim; that she had to be ready when the call came in. The woman down the hall who can barely accept that I've brought you here from the future, is sleeping peacefully because she's convinced herself that she has found a way to change the course of time to keep you safe and happy; even if it's at the expense of her own happiness."

A tear slid down Kate's cheek. "I keep thinking about what she said…about maybe it's me that needs to let go…that maybe she can't because I won't let her."

"Good; you keep thinking about that," Sarah replied. "Part of why I brought you here is because I know that Johanna McKenzie will say things to you that Johanna Beckett won't. So you keep thinking about it, Katie; you need to."

"Does that mean I'm still staying here?"

"Oh yes," Sarah told her. "You need to spend more time with her; study her…think about the traits your mother has that you don't think she had before. You're here for awhile longer, Bunny."

"What happens to her when I leave?" Kate asked. "You said time is moving normally here; so is she going to think she hit her head and wiped out so many hours of her memory?"

Sarah shook her head. "No; things will be taken care of; don't worry."

"But how?"

"It's complicated, Katie; just trust me that it will be done; and that the memories she and Jim will have will be the ones they would've had if we hadn't popped in for a visit."

"But what about the phone call she had with Grandma?"

"It'll be taken care of, dear; don't worry…they'll all be fine and none the wiser that we've been here."

Kate swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "I want to go home."

"You will, but not right now. Try to relax and keep thinking about what she said."

"She says she wants us to go out tomorrow if I'm still here."

Sarah smiled. "And you should; go out and experience her world a little…get to know her better."

"Is that really a good idea?"

"Of course it is; I wouldn't have brought you here if it wasn't."

"You said you didn't think it all the way through, Sarah."

"Only in the aspect of them trying to remember these events so they could change them when the time comes," the spirit replied.

Kate eyed the remaining page in Sarah's hand. "What did Dad write?"

Sarah studied her for a moment and then held out the letter. "His first paragraph is much like your mother's explaining the events and the timeframe; you can continue from there if you want."

Kate took the letter and unfolded it, her eyes scanning the opening and finding it to be similar as she had been told before her eyes moved to the next paragraph.

"You have to find a way to keep it from happening. You have to keep Johanna safe; you promised her you wouldn't let it happen, that you'd keep her safe. You have to save her from this, no matter what it takes. The timeframe isn't concrete, sometime between 1997 and 1999…but you're going to have to work with it anyway. Find a way to make her quit her job…make enough money that we can go on some trip around the world once our daughter is safely away at college…or maybe convince our daughter to go to college in another state and we can move there. Maybe get a job at a firm in another state. If we're not in New York; then Johanna can be safe and none of this business will happen. Find a way to take her out of New York. You can't lose her…you can't let her down. She believes in you and you have to keep this from happening no matter what it takes; no matter what you have to give up or leave behind; you find a way to keep her safe. Nothing you have matters more than keeping her safe."

Sarah met Kate's eye as she finished reading. "Your mother's letter is full of desperation and need to save you…and his letter is full of desperation and need to save her."

"I should've known that," she said tearfully as she gave the letters back to the spirit.

"Maybe so; but you like to have proof of things…just like your mother."

"That's because she's a lawyer and I'm a cop," Kate replied.

"It's not just that…it's because sometimes proof is needed to know something in particular…like when someone is vulnerable and they need proof that the person they care about cares about them too…sometimes things that are as simple as a Sunday dinner or a trip to see a show that one person has already seen are the proof of affection that someone needs sometimes. Think about her words, Katie…rest of course, but keep thinking as well."

"Sarah, how long is this going to go on?"

The spirit smiled. "You don't need that answer right now. What you need to do is rest…and think. Thinking isn't one of your strong suits…like you accuse your mother of you know?"

"I resent that, Sarah."

"Lucky for me, I do not care," she said happily.

"I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself," Kate said, her voice still tinged with emotion.

"This is for your own good, Katie. Try and rest now."

"Yeah right," she scoffed as Sarah faded from view. How was she supposed to rest when she had been sent back in time with no idea of when she'd get back to where she should be? How was she supposed to rest with so many of her mother's words, written and spoken racing through her mind?

The next morning, a dim shaft of sunlight hit Kate's eyelids, waking her with a slight huff of annoyance. Her eyes flicked open, hoping she'd see her own home, but she frowned when she saw the 70s style décor of her mother's apartment in 1975. Kate sighed deeply; she supposed she should've known; after all, she was sure she hadn't slept for more than a few hours. The apartment was quiet; making her assume that her mother was sleeping in but then she heard the distant sound of water in the bathroom. She didn't know whether to be relieved or not that she was up…after all; it might be awkward to face her after their talk the night before…and after reading the letter she had written. What was she supposed to say or do? Before she could come up with an answer, she heard the soft sounds of footsteps in the hallway. Within moments, Johanna McKenzie was stepping across the threshold of the living room, clad in jeans and a Rolling Stones 1972 US Tour t-shirt; her dark hair loose.

"Good morning," Johanna said softly; a touch of hesitation in her voice.

"You don't sound too sure of that," Kate said, her voice still rough with sleep.

"I wasn't sure you'd still be here," she admitted. "I'm out of my depths with this thing."

"So am I."

Johanna studied her for a long moment. "Don't get mad…but are you hungry?"

"Why would I get mad?"

"You didn't seem to like that question last night…I believe you claimed it was a stalling tactic…when really I was just hungry and wanted to eat the dinner that I brought home."

"I'm sorry," Kate replied.

"You don't have to be sorry," Johanna replied. "It's something that bothers you…I didn't know of course…how could I? But…"

Kate could see the feelings of awkwardness in her mother's posture, the subtle wringing of her hands. Maybe she had always had those traits…maybe she just hadn't seen them much when she was growing up…or maybe reaching the point in her life where she had stability had tamped them down. In her world, maybe her mother still didn't feel very stable with the world around her. "I am sorry…I guess I was just upset about being brought here. I…it's hard for me to reconcile the fact that you're…I don't even know how to explain it. You're her…but you're also not…and I know, that doesn't make sense."

"It does," Johanna replied. "I know what you mean…I've felt that way ever since seeing that picture…it's hard to think of that woman being me…even harder to think of how she loses control."

"Let's not talk about that," Kate murmured.

Johanna sighed softly. "I'll make it better, I promise."

"Let's not talk about that either."

"Then what should we talk about?"

"You were asking if I was hungry."

"Yes, but then I remembered that you don't like that question. Apparently, I ask it too much where you come from."

Kate was quiet for a moment, pondering her words as she recalled everything she had thought about through the night. "Maybe I just take it in a way that you don't mean it to be."

"What way do you think I mean it?"

"I don't know…I guess I've just thought of it as a way to stall before discussing whatever the issue at hand is."

"But if you always say no…how is it a way to stall anything?" Johanna asked.

The question caught her off-guard for a moment. "I…I guess I hadn't really thought about it that way."

"Do you always say no?" she asked.

"I guess more often than not."

"Why?"

Kate sighed. "I guess I always just want to get to whatever it is I want to discuss."

"And you think I don't want to?"

"Maybe…or you're hoping I forget while you cook."

"Maybe I just like to be busy while we discuss whatever it is," Johanna suggested.

"I think you just want me to forget whatever it is."

"I don't think I'm stupid to enough, even in your world, to think that you'd forget whatever it was that you came to discuss."

"Then why stall about it?"

"Maybe it's not stalling in the way you think," Johanna remarked. "Maybe in your world I offer to feed you so you won't run away the second you're finished with your topic. Maybe I just want you to stay awhile sometimes."

"You want me to stay all the time."

"Maybe that's because you never do," Johanna replied. "Maybe if you did stay sometimes, the woman in the picture wouldn't be so desperate to hold on to you when you do come around."

The words were a bitter pill to swallow, Kate thought to herself. "Wow, you throw all the punches in this world."

Johanna cringed. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't speak of something I really don't know anything about. I hate the thought of not having a good relationship with my only child…but there's no one to blame for that but me which is why I'll do everything I can to make it better when the time comes."

Kate shook her head. "I didn't mean it the way you think…Dad always calls it your tough girl card…I guess I'm not used to you using it so much with me."

"I have to be a tough girl," Johanna murmured. "I don't have any choice."

"You don't use it as much in my world."

"Maybe I don't need to…maybe you're using it enough for both of us."

"Meaning what?" Kate asked.

"Meaning maybe I feel like I've won most of my battles…with the exception of you. I was thinking about it last night; you say we haven't talked in several weeks. Maybe I've given up the battle, Katie."

She shook her head. "You wouldn't do that."

Johanna breathed deeply. "I would…sometimes I stop trying after awhile if I keep losing. I know when a case has run out of possibilities…that's when I start looking into settlements and convincing my client that it will be in their best interest to reach an agreement. Some clients are stubborn of course and don't want to take a settlement no matter what…and then I have to resign myself to the idea that it's a case I'm going to lose. Believe me, I hate to lose a case…but I know a losing one when I see it and I don't keep fighting it when I've run out of resources to do so although I do try to minimize the damage the loss will cause…so I'm afraid you're wrong…if trying to keep you around has finally reached the point where I view it as a case that can't be won no matter what…I'll accept defeat and quietly let you go."

"My mother would never let me go," Kate said firmly.

Johanna held her gaze. "She would if she felt like she had already lost and it would be in your best interest to do so."

"How would it be in my best interest?" she asked sharply.

"I imagine that in your world, I want you to be happy…and if I felt you were happier with me being in some neglected corner of your life; I'd stay in that place you gave me once I saw that there were no other options. You can't expect someone to keep fighting indefinitely. There's always a point where one person realizes that there's no battle left to wage and they admit defeat. Like I said, I don't like to lose a case…"

"I'm not a case!" Kate exclaimed. "I'm your daughter!"

Johanna shifted on her feet. "Yes…you're her daughter…but how long is she supposed to beg you?"

Agitation ran through her veins. "You act like my mother is someone different from you; you're not two different people; you're the same person!"

"And I've told you it's hard for me to reconcile that and you said you understood," Johanna replied. "But fine, if you want me to purport to know how I feel in the year 2014; I think I would feel the way I'm telling you…a person can only beg for so long. You imply that you don't want to be around and clearly I've tried to hold on to you based on what you said…well maybe I'm tired in your world, Katie! Maybe I'm tired of the battle and for my peace of mind and yours, I've decided to give it up! I don't imagine it's a decision I'd make lightly and I'm sure it hurt me…but maybe for the wellbeing of everyone, myself included, I'm letting you go."

"Then maybe you aren't the person I know."

"Or maybe you just don't know me like you thought you did," Johanna retorted. "It's impossible for you to know everything about me…no one knows everything about someone. Maybe I'm tired…you told me how I'm treated during your wedding and that you prefer your mother-in-law so maybe I'm giving up so you can be happy and I can find peace in my own life with my husband and whoever else I have in my world. I assure you that I don't believe it's an easy decision to make but sometimes you just have to let go…and if you're meant to have that person in your life, they'll come back when they're ready. So maybe I'm giving you the chance to come back on your own terms, Katie; did you ever consider that?"

No…in fact, she hadn't considered that, Kate thought to herself as she stared at the young woman standing before her. She had never once considered that Johanna Beckett might just give up the battle and let the decision up to her and her alone about the place she held in her life.

"I'm sorry," Johanna said after a few minutes. "Like I said, I don't know how the future me thinks or feels in your world, I'm just guessing and maybe I should keep those things to myself. I'm sorry."

"Oh my God, you do the constant apologizing thing here too," Kate muttered. "I thought it stemmed from your guilt of being away but it's here too…you do it here too."

"I'm sorry," she repeated, shifting on her feet.

"Stop it!" Kate yelled. "Why do you do that?!"

"Do what?!" Johanna yelled back.

"Apologize all the damn time!"

She shrugged. "I guess because I've always been expected to."

"Why?"

"Because I'm always the one being told I'm wrong."

"By who?"

"Everyone…I'm…" she trailed off, schooling herself not to say the words. "It's just how I am, I can't help that…I guess that's another mark against my future self in your book."

"You just do it too much."

"Sorry."

"Stop it!"

Johanna's jaw tightened, her eyes snapping with temper. "Are you hungry or not!"

Kate breathed deeply, pushing down her own temper. "Yes."

"Fine; what do you like for breakfast?"

She could see the awkwardness setting back in and she suddenly felt the need to put her mother at ease. "I like anything you make for breakfast."

"Do you really or are you just trying to make me feel better?"

Kate shook her head. "No, I really do like everything you make for breakfast."

Johanna studied her for a moment as if assessing if she was telling the truth or not. "I was thinking about scrambled eggs."

"Sounds good…with waffles?" she asked.

"I don't make waffles very often," Johanna said. "I'm not good at them."

Her brow rose. "Are you crazy? Dad and I love your waffles."

Johanna hesitated for a moment. "It's still strange to think of someone knowing so much that I don't."

Kate raked a hand through her hair, she really did need to keep in mind that this woman didn't know all the facts that she did. "It's strange for me to think about too," she admitted. "Eggs are fine though…maybe toast."

"Of course…and bacon; I can make us some bacon."

"That sounds great," she replied, feeling a pang of hunger as she pushed herself off of the couch. "I'm going to get dressed."

Johanna nodded. "I'll get breakfast started…and while we eat, we'll figure out where we're going to go today. I think it might be best if we get out a little bit."

"Alright, we'll figure it out," Kate replied as she stepped away, hoping that this would all be resolved today.