Hello world! Okay, I know. IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO UPDATE. So, how are you? Also, I know I said 5k words, but I divided it into two; don't worry, the next chapter is also almost done. Now, if you haven't read the why of my impromptu hiatus, and you are curious, you can check it out in the author notes of my new story: Lights, Camera, Smile!
Everything is explained there, so without any further ado, enjoy!
Dark. Freezing. Eerily silent. Where … am I? Raven looked around, trying to figure out where she was, to no avail. Everywhere she looked, no matter the direction, there was an uninviting darkness. I need to get out of... here. She took a deep breath and walked forward.
With only the sound of her cape dragging on the floor to accompany her, she tried remembering how she got to whatever this place was. Her memories went up to her last meditation practice, right before she went to bed. I had a headache, right. Other than that, she could recall the sound and smell of the rain hitting her windows. Anxious and uncertain of her surroundings, Raven kept moving.
She didn't go far until she felt a malicious gaze watching her. Raven stopped in her tracks. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end as she felt someone dangerous lurking in the shadows. This can't be happening. She knew who it was, but she just couldn't bring herself to name him yet. Painfully aware of her circumstances, she walked backwards, stumbling a little. I'm staying out of your business. With a safe distance between them, she quickly turned to jog in the opposite direction. You do the same.
Her petition was simply ignored, and she felt his frigid touch, his long and sharp claws digging into her shoulder. Why can't you leave me alone! Throwing away what little reservations she had before, Raven slipped out of his touch, running at full speed. All those years so he could get me now… Her shoulder was burning, his poison slowly intruding into her flesh. Her heart, beating frantically as she felt him just behind her. I won't allow it.
Raven slid to her right, changing directions brusquely, feeling her stomach churning and her shoulder becoming numb. Trying to take advantage of the momentum, she lunged forward, increasing her stride length and gaining ground. That's it. Her body was going through the motions, almost seamlessly, muscle memory kicking in. She was focused, putting one foot in front of the other, not daring to look back into his evil eyes.
The epitome of doom was only inches away from her— and she was beyond terrified, he finally got hold of her. I can't let him possess me, for Azar's sake. For everyone's sake. Her shoulder was already tainted with his unmistakable scent; everlasting suffering, underlying cynical brutality, a soul-devouring appetite and full front tones of irredeemable lust for violence. How do I fix this?! He was everything she vowed she wouldn't be. Focus! This is just like a criminal chase. I just need to get ahead.
Tense moments passed, the sound of her boots hitting the ground, her ragged breathing and the sweat falling down her neck centred her. I will figure my shoulder out later. She felt him gradually fall behind, and a sliver of hope bubbled in her chest. Good. She had outrun him, one more still didn't know her whereabouts, but she had one less massive problem. Raven allowed herself to let her hopes up, but didn't slow down. Where the hell is the end? She could feel how much terrain she had covered, but nothing had changed in the scenery. The all-encompassing darkness welcomed her further into the void, and her adrenaline-frazzled muscles kept her moving. Will I just keep running towards nothing?
An intense, sharp pain in her right leg brought her down to the trenches. She let her body slow down a little, just to assess the damage, and regretfully, he was right there to take advantage of it. Weren't you gone? Stay gone!
Raven pushed herself to ignore the pain in both her leg and shoulder, as she could taste his miserable intentions. She couldn't understand how he caught up to her immediately, all that kept repeating in her head was that she couldn't give in to his touch, no matter the cost. Nothing good would ever happen if she let the embodiment of evil grace her, let alone inhabit her. She shook her head physically and kept running through gritted teeth. I need to get out of here!
Her thoughts crashed when she felt her right leg shake. Please, not now! She struggled to keep jogging, but she could barely put weight on her leg, let alone keep running. No matter how much of her blood was pure adrenaline. She had torn herself apart, speeding up faster than she had ever run, and her little attempt had only helped so much; he instantly managed to vanish whatever distance she was able to create between them. What did I expect?
Raven disregarded the pain as much as she could, but it was undeniable, it was over. Her leg had started to give in, and it would be a matter of seconds before he reached her. No matter the cost. With her heart in her mouth, she tried her best to move as far away as she still could, her right leg shaking violently with each step. Out of options, Raven realized she would have to confront her fears head-on.
Before she could even make a conscious decision, something shifted in the air. Her movements became harder to do, as if time had slowed down. What the- She looked around, and finally, something was providing just enough light to make out the overall shape of her surroundings. Nevermore? Rough dark mountains in the distance, rocky terrain below her feet and a dark crimson sky stared back at her.
Raven breathed a little easier and took the leap. She tensed her form, stabilizing her shoulder, closed her fists, and pivoted, raising her hands to defend herself. Let's do this again, Father.
But, there was no one behind her. Raven haphazardly looked around, trying to feel his location, and failed to do so. Panting, she cautiously allowed some relief to wash over her, but given his newfound abilities, she only pretended to relax her stance. What is your plan, Father? Right on cue, the edges of her vision darkened, but she could clearly see what was right in front of her.
Her stomach plummeted to her feet with the sight. There were only four damned crimson eyes, not six; and on top of that, they were right at her height. It truly isn't him anymore… no. She felt something cold take her hands. It's something even worse. Slowly, she looked down, hands just like hers grabbed her fists, leaving them full of a dark red viscous liquid. It's only me. An unmistakable strong metal scent filled her lungs. No! Raven yanked her hands from the grip and tried to move away from herself, but the dark crimson liquid had already reached her shins, rendering her paralyzed.
Scared out of her mind, Raven tried to move violently to the point she was injuring herself in the process, but she couldn't care. I can't give in. No matter the cost. The blood rose just as quickly as her desperation rose, reaching her waist, climbing up to her abdomen, and settling on top of her chest, the pressure making breathing almost impossible. She tried to fight it vehemently, but no movement worked in her favour; everything she did made the crimson liquid thicker. Slowly, she began to make out the faint whispers in her head she had religiously pledged to ignore. ' It's over. This is our true calling.' It was her own distorted voice. Fuck off, demon.
Grimacing, Raven paid no more attention to her thoughts, and kept raising her head above the blood, taking a breath every time she could- but it was getting tougher each time. Her muscles were depleted, her leg torn, her shoulder clawed, and as much as she tried to push herself, she could feel her chest burning, and the taste of metal in her mouth. Reality came crashing down on her, weighing her down hard. Is this it? Raven got one last breath in, the blood way above her head. Could I have done anything to avoid this? She couldn't resurface anymore, simply, the crimson blood engulfed her.
As she was sinking further into the abyss, Raven suddenly felt an oddly familiar sensation run through her veins. Where am I going? Her extremities were tingling, as if she was preparing to teletransport, but somehow, she didn't feel the weight of her physical form come with her. Am I detaching? Gradually, the lack of oxygen stopped bothering her. Moreover, she stopped feeling. There was no pain, fear or weariness anymore, just an absolute calm in her soul. Huh. Is this what Azar often referred to?
Raven was tempted to close her eyes and enjoy the tranquillity of the moment, but a ray of light appeared far away from her. It contrasted starkly with the darkness, and somehow, it brought her comfort. Is that the famous light? She instinctively swam to it, slowly reaching it and seeing it transform into a bright wall that stretched as far as she could see. So, not that type of light.
Nevertheless, she was curious. Raven got closer, inspecting what the wall was made of. Bricks? Shocker… She tapped into it, light refracting and shining bright into the abyss. What is this? Some type of glass? She looked at it a little more closely, staring at it. Slowly, she could make out little figures in the glass bricks. What-?
As she focused on it, she was somehow entering it. It was a bright day, and she was back on Zinthos. She heard the birds chirping in the distance, the air light and fresh, the temperature just right. Abruptly, she heard her own voice from behind, younger, and sadly, just as monotone. She moved towards a column as she saw her fourteen-year-old self saunter into the halls of Zinthos, following Coman's stride. He looked straight ahead, his hands behind his back, deep in thought, listening to whatever she had read the day before.
She moved her head back and was again facing the glass brick wall. Are these my memories? She inspected the brick next to her, only to find another part of her life conjured up in it. All those little details she had forgotten, or those her conscious mind just wasn't able to evoke, were right there. The sounds in the background, the smells that clung to the air, the way the light hit certain familiar faces, and the exact feelings each memory carried. She wasn't just remembering but rather reliving her life.
This time, she was strolling around Metrion with Arella, her mother. She turned to look at her, blue eyes meeting purple, with a wistful expression on them. Raven looked at her younger self, almost breaking protocol, reaching to grab her mother's hand, but quickly retracting, just as her mother nodded in approval and resumed their walk. That was a few days before I left. I should have grabbed her hand.
Raven got out of it, the massive glass brick wall staring back at her as her heart swelled with grief. That was the last time I saw her. Before he- She rested her head on the cold surface, finally letting her emotions run their course, quiet tears escaping her.
She gently shook her head, pleasantly surprised that nothing around her exploded with the burst of emotion. She took a deep breath, connecting the dots of what she was seeing. Every brick is a memory, carefully placed chronologically. She rose to the top and eyed them all together, expecting to see her early infancy, but noticed those glass bricks were opaque. Gradually, they cleared up, showing decisive parts of her life in Azarath. Maybe it only works for the times I was a conscious being. She lowered and wandered into another memory. She couldn't help but let a little smile paint her lips.
She was in the corner of one of the places she knew by heart, Azar's chambers. Her ten-year-old self was sitting anxiously, starry-eyed, at an improvised desk, her feet dangling from the seat, and her cape barely reaching the cobblestone floor. This is our first lesson together. Azar had dropped everything to take her under her wing, a half-demon, direct descendant of Trigon. Raven moved out of the corner towards Azar and stood in front of the woman who forged her. I'm sorry I failed you. For a fraction of a second, Azar held her gaze, looked into her eyes and gave her a bittersweet smile, before returning her attention to her younger self.
Raven got out of her memory and intended to proceed with her trip down memory lane, but got to another opaque glass brick. She tried to do the same thing as before, inspecting the glass brick until it conjured up her memories, but it wouldn't. Why can't I see? She tried to skip it, only to find another opaque glass brick. I was conscious by this age; I was able to see before. And another, and another. What happened here? She panned out and found a worrisome row of opaque glass bricks until they cleared up once more.
She stared at it inquisitively and got closer once more. Without thinking, she nudged at it. The block shattered into a thousand little shards of glass and nicked her hand in the process. She stared between the ever-so-obvious metaphor her mind conjured up and her thumb, lightly bleeding from the ever-so-thin cut. I can't keep ignoring it, can I?
Raven wanted nothing more than to walk away and find her way out somewhere else, but Rage's words made her hesitate on that last step. These should be my blocked memories then. Should I? I blocked them for a reason. She slowly backed away from the glass wall and turned only to face the vast darkness. If I don't do it now, I won't later. She mimicked breathing in as hard as she could, which proved an unusual sensation without inhaling air into her lungs. Fuck it. Cautiously, Raven turned to face deep-rooted fears, looking through the cracks in her mind. And there they were, disgraceful memories hidden behind the broken glass.
She was in her room at the convent, failing to master a simple spell, and Azar's displeasure was evident. Cold and bitter words were harshly thrown at her, one after the other, making up a long rant of every single fault she painfully knew she had, a list she carried close to her heart. Raven kept looking, even though it was getting harder to not advert her eyes from the scene. Azar's words would have any, and most certainly her, blushing in deep shame. When she stopped, the little version of herself, who from the looks of it wasn't even twelve, with even a tinier voice raised questions about her mentor's behaviour. Wrong question. Azar kept berating her, vehemently justifying her actions by pointing out her demonic nature. I am half-demon, I deserved it… right? For the first time, that sentiment didn't bode well within her.
She sped through Coman's ever-gruelling psychological discipline and disdain, Gayla's ever-noncommittal stance to her, turning a blind eye to everyone's behaviour towards her, and Arella's barely veiled resentment, in what she had once thought were innocuous interactions.
Raven stopped there; she had seen enough. Her mind wasn't catching up fast enough to what was happening, but her body reacted to the memories. She felt dread build up in her stomach as the throes of her compartmentalised childhood began to expose themselves. Her chest burned, lit with a new fire, and a hole began to form where her heart should be, swallowing the good feeling she just had moments ago. The iron smell returned with vengeance, and the taste of metal in her mouth was stronger than before. In a matter of seconds, her somewhat content childhood memories broke in front of her, and the sensation of betrayal reared its ugly head. Fuck you Rage, honestly. Right on cue, Rage's voice boomed in her head with an unbearable 'told you so', and the whole place began to feel unstable, gradually beginning to collapse below her feet.
Abruptly, Raven was back in her body, but was too shell-shocked to move, and as the ground faltered, so did she. Suddenly, she was in Nevermore's gradient sky, free-falling into another abyss. She closed her eyes and was able to see vividly every detail of the faces she had just seen, Azar's wild, violent eyes, Coman's furious stare, Gayla's eyes looking everywhere but at her, and Arella's, her mother's venomous glare. They were burned in her mind. Raven opened her eyes to look into Nevermore, and on the horizon, she could finally see it. The fracture in her mind was astonishing, ripple effects reverberating across the plane, swallowing parts of her mind, and plunging them into... nothingness. I am literally breaking into pieces. Fatidic.
The now torturous trip down memory lane wasn't done, but she forcefully centred herself, ignoring with all her might her shaky sense of self, to avoid rupturing her mind more than it already was. As a reaction, her mind scrambled to show her something she told herself she was adamantly 'comfortable' with. Trigon's role in her life. His manipulation, emotional torment and mistreatment were on full display throughout her life, and even though she was also reliving every damn shitty thing he pulled, it wasn't as painful. She knew what to expect from him. She could even wrap her head about Coman's or Gayla's actions, but not Azar's, or Arella's. She knew exactly who he was, and so she thought for them. Rage didn't lie. Deep down, she was aware something wasn't right, and her worst memories had yet to surface. Blinding light travelled down Nevermore's sky. I need to stop the fracture.
Raven closed her eyes and steeled herself, keeping a tight lid on her disruptive feelings just as Azar had taught her. Bitterness presented itself, muted, and while she ignored Trigon's memories, she focused on another, surely, repressed memory. She could see herself as a tiny child, whimpering and cowering into a corner. What else happened to me? The little kid raised her head slightly, brushing her dark purple hair out of her face to look directly into her eyes. Crimson eyes, as dark as the blood she was drowning in, met a torn purple gaze. The iron-clad control she had on her emotions faltered, and an earthquake shook her to her core, letting her fall into complete darkness once more.
A/N: So...I don't want to toot my own horn, but I am totally going to. It took me a bloody while, and honestly, am I content with it. I hope you are, too. See you in the next chapter! (We are back!)