Chapter 3: Do You Have A Moment to Talk About Our Lord and Savior, Leviathan?
(Sorry this one took so long folks. But now that it's finished, I'll be able to get back to a regular schedule albeit different from the one I've done before. I'll leave the finer details in the next Animal Avenger chapter but for now, I'll simply warn you that there is plenty of gore and black comedy in this chapter But before we get to that, a brief visit to Springfield Penitentiary...)
There was a saying that persisted within the walls of Springfield Penitentiary although it spoke more like a myth. They say every time an inmate is released from this place, it rains because God himself is trying to cleanse them of their remaining sin so that they may never again stand behind those iron bars. Even the most cold-hearted of inmates found a degree of solace in that saying, finding it poetic and reassuring.
As Sideshow Bob stood behind the metal doors of his unwilling home for the last three months and felt the cold rain drops sink into his hair, however, he only found that saying sappy and mediocre.
"Alright, Bob!" Chief Wiggum spoke as he walked up to the palm tree-haired maniac, the documentation of Bob's release in his hands and losing its ink and structure to the rain. "Due to budget cuts, the prison's being forced to release 18% of its inmates and you just so happened to win the bail-out raffle!" He finished his sentence rather cheerfully for a cop being forced to release a dangerous criminal back onto the streets. "Now," He placed his hands on his hips. "Do you promise to behave yourself this time? No going after the Simpsons?"
"Fear not, Chief!" Bob answered jovially. "I've learned my lesson. Never again will I attempt to wreak bloody revenge against the spiky-haired little scamp who ruined my life and continued to foil my evil schemes over and over again along with his detestable clan!" Bob grew angry as he spoke this sentence, clenching his fist and teeth as his eyes narrowed into the deadly slits of a predator. After a few seconds, he seemed to remember that he was in the company of law enforcement for he cleared his throat and returned to his jovial attitude. "I'm leaving town to become a bookkeeper in Shelbyville. I hear they still have book stores there."
Wiggum snorted. "Heh. Those whacky Shelbyvillians!" He patted Bob on the shoulder. "Well, good luck on that, Bob. And remember, no more murderous schemes against the Simpsons."
"Convenue." Bob nodded.
"Alright, boys!" Wiggum shouted as he turned to the tower behind him and Bob, his men standing in a room along with the warden and watching him from a window. "Let him out!"
The warden pressed a button he was keeping in his pocket and at once, a rough clinking sound emerged from between the giant metal doors. Slowly, they slid forward and parted, allowing Bob to see the pathway that would lead him out of captivity. Said path was somewhat obscured by the falling rain and cloudy sky but this did little to dampen Bob's spirits. He sighed in content as he picked up his suitcase and headed out.
"So long, Bob!" Wiggum called out as he waved good-bye. "Don't be a stranger now!" From the window behind him, the warden and Wiggum's men also waved their good-byes.
"Farewell, Springfield Penitentiary!" Bob called back out. "I shall always remember you fondly..."
The metal doors slammed shut, sending a slight tremble throughout the property and assuring Bob that anything he said now would not be heard by the men in blue.
"...for being total suckers!" Bob broke into maniacal laughter, lifting his head to the sky. After a few seconds, however, he was forced to stop as the raindrops collected in the back of his throat, forcing him into an ugly coughing fit. He grumbled in much the same way he usually did when he stepped on a rake once he had ejected the foreign water from his esophagus. "Now that I am finally free from that dreadful place, it's time to exact vengeance on the Simpsons once and for all! First, I'll create a fake restaurant and then...oh wait. I already did that. Hmm." Bob scratched his chin as he racked his brain for a zany plot. "Well, what if I train a bunch of rabid squirrels and...no, no, not again. Never again. Hmm...what if I get a giant slingshot and...eh..." Bob groaned. "Ah screw it! I'll just break into their house and slash them to bits and pieces!"
Bob broke into another bout of evil laughter as he continued his march away from prison...
...at least until he was zapped by a bolt of lightning.
"Gah!"
Blackened and smoking, Bob fell to the ground and grumbled once more.
Several miles away from both the prison and the worst of the storm, Lisa sat at her nightstand before her laptop. To the right of it lay the box her father had been messing with all last week before he disappeared, the one and only clue she had to his whereabouts.
Now if she could only figure out how to actually look up the damn thing.
"This is going nowhere fast," Lisa complained. "So far all I've gotten are offers for a bunch of old and broken Rubik's cubes and ads for Mapple's new iCube." She grumbled as she tapped "X" on the ad icon that seemed to follow her around the net. "I need to get more specific about my search, but how?"
Lisa turned to the box and picked it up. She studied it closely, taking note of the intricate designs on each and every side. Part of her rationalized that this was meant to be her true birthday gift instead of the coupons for cheap tacos before her father somehow became obsessed with it. Without thinking it, she slowly lifted her hand to the top and gently pushed down. She uttered a surprised squeak as the right section of the top popped out from the cube and slid back down. She couldn't help but giggle in amusement and lifted her hand to try it again before suddenly remembering what she was doing before. "No!" She slammed the box down. "I can't give in to the same mania Dad did. I need to figure out where this box took him and fast!"
Lisa rested her elbows on her nightstand and stared at the box, the urge to play with it again eating at her. Within her mind, her mental gears stirred as she continued to search for a solution. "There's gotta be someone out there who knows what this damn thing is! If only I could show them what the box looked like..."
Then it hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Wait a minute! That's it!" She quickly logged into her account on a website called Asksomeonewhodoes. It was an ask thread where people could post questions of all sorts of subjects and have others on the site answer them through comments. And the best part, it allowed images in the ask post. Lisa grabbed her phone and took a picture of each and every side of the box, being careful to keep her contact to a minimum as she lifted it and set it down over and over. Once she had her images, she used the cord of her phone charger to download them into her laptop and from there, uploaded them onto a new post.
"Excuse me, but can anyone tell me what this cube is or where it comes from? We got it from an antique shop last week and I haven't been able to find anything out about it. Thank in Advance!"
Once the post was completed, Lisa uploaded it to the site and sighed with content as she placed her arms behind her head. "All that's left to do now is to wait for a response...or a permanent ban...whichever comes first." Lisa's eyes rolled toward the box again, now sitting at the far corner of her nightstand. That sickening urge came back in full force, drying out Lisa's mouth and causing her skin to sweat. She reached for the box again, pulled her hand back down quickly, and turned away from it, shielding her own gaze with a hand cupped over her cheek. This only caused the urge to grow stronger and Lisa turned back toward the box that, even without a melody or a voice, seemed to call out to her.
A ping from her laptop finally broke the spell the box had over her. "Huh?" She turned toward the screen. "I got a reply already?" She fixed herself in her seat and opened the new message she had received.
"This link will explain everything. I'm not sure if it's real or not or if you believe in the supernatural or not but I'd stay the hell away from this box if I were you."
The vague comment was underlined by a blue line of text that mostly consisted of numbers. Lisa was skeptical, considering the possibility that she might have attracted a scammer. Deciding that her father's safety was important enough to risk a virus, she reluctantly clicked on the link. The screen went dark for a few moments and Lisa feared the worse. She nearly jumped out of her skin as a deep evil laughter boomed out of her laptop and a small red dot appeared in the middle of the black screen. As the laughter faded, the red dot ballooned in size until it overtook the screen, revealing its true form as the layout for the site's home page. Two pillars stood at either side of the screen, each with a thin serpent coiling around it. The serpents bore the heads of elderly men, their faces twisted in expressions of agony and grief. Standing between the two pillars at the middle of the screen was a flayed figure offering a box to the visitor. It was impossible to tell what gender they were supposed to be as their chest had been stripped clean of all skin and flesh, leaving only a milky-white ribcage. A glance toward the being's lower half revealed that the missing skin and tissue had been fashioned into a sort of hellish kilt around the thing's torso. Its arms and legs had been skinned to the bright red muscle, yet its angelic face gave off a presence of calm knowing. As this image rested on the screen, a eerie, almost industrial rhythm played in the background.
"Well, I'm certainly glad I didn't open this at night," Lisa muttered as her eyes rose to the text above the mangled being.
Welcome to Encyclopaedia Infernoko: The Archive of the Cenobites
"Cenobites?" Lisa asked with a giggle. "Sounds like a cereal brand." Lisa's whet appetite soured into a stomach ache as she once again caught site of the flayed figure on her screen. Not wanting to see it any longer, she clicked on the words which brought her to a new page. It was a wall of text with a small picture to the right of it. The picture was somehow even more disturbing than the last one, displaying an emaciated man with a crow's skull for a head pulling his stringy entrails from the open cavity in his stomach to his cracked beak.
Or vice versa.
"D'oh!" Lisa opened her drawer and got out a stack of sticky notes. She placed one over the image, gave herself some time to let it fade from her mind, and read the header of the article.
What are the Cenobites?
Lisa gulped before continuing.
"The Cenobites, also known as the Order of the Gash, are a race of formerly human entities who exist in a separate reality from ours. Not much is know about this reality but some claim the accounts from those who had seen it first hand inspired the idea of the Judeo-Christian Hell. The Cenobites themselves are not demons nor angels but a separate race unto their own, all of them once a human being who was beckoned by their call."
Lisa wanted to stop reading right there. The imagery of the site was already unnerving her and with each word she read from this article, she felt her very blood freeze up a little. Surely, this was simply the ramblings of some edgy geek with too much time on their hands, right? It simply had to be.
"The Cenobites worship pain and suffering as a deity, bearing piercings and mutilations that would kill or cripple a normal human being. To them, pain and pleasure are completely indistinguishable from one another and their sole goal in existence is to impart this dark philosophy onto as many souls as they can. To this end, they utilize objects known as Lament Configurations, puzzle boxes with intricate patterns on all sides."
Lisa gasped as she turned to the box again.
"The Lament Configurations are brought to those most likely to seek forbidden pleasures by their assigned guardians, the Eremites, who take human form to deliver them. The box calls upon them, draws into their desire and they work to solve it endlessly, sometimes bringing themselves to the brink of death or madness. Once the puzzle is finally solved, the victim is rewarded for their efforts by being dragged through the Schism into the Cenobite's realm where they are either experimented on for all eternity or, if they find favor with them, are converted into a Cenobite as well."
Lisa stared blankly at the screen, her arms limp at her sides, her eyes and mouth fixed into round circles of despair. "This...This can't be real..." She whispered to herself. "T-This is just someone's disturbed fantasy! It has to be! Right?" Lisa's logic fought like hell within her mind, running through each and every scientific impossibility it could find within the story. Humans have not discovered alternate dimensions yet, you would die of infection and exposure even if you did survive mutilating yourself to the degree that the pictures on the site presented and her father, Homer Jay Simpson, couldn't even solve a 5-piece jigsaw puzzle bought for Maggie. There was no way the horrible, horrible scenario unfolding in her mind could be true.
And yet, as she glanced back toward the puzzle box, she felt the slight tug of desire to solve it within her. She recalled just how obsessed her father seemed to be when she spied on him, peppered in sweat and giggling to himself. She remembered the blood stains on the garage floor, all that the police were able to find of him. A sinking feeling consumed Lisa's logic and tears welled in her eyes as that horrible, horrible scenario that unfolded in her mind became impossible to deny.
"Oh Dad," Lisa sobbed as she grabbed the box and held it close. "What are those monsters doing to you?"
The Cenobite formally known as Homer Jay Simpson, now known as Xingtian, sat against the wall of a great corridor. He didn't bother wondering how long he had been in this awful place and why would he? He was never going to leave here anyway. He had gotten somewhat used to the new position of his eyes and mouth and, a couple of hours ago, had managed to actually keep a rotting apple down. The soles of his feet were covered in blood and grime but so far, he had not been able to find a bathroom nor shoe store in this place. Unsure of what to do with himself, he sat against the wall and bounced some sort of bloody organ against its opposite over and over again the way a prison inmate might throw a rubber ball. He didn't know what organ it was and he didn't care. He was too caught up in his own anguish.
"This place sucks," He thought. "The food is always spoiled, the floors are all filthy and there's no one to talk to except freaky jerks!"
He suddenly felt as if he was being watched and turned to find himself face-to-face with a giant eyeball embedded in a palm, causing him to scream. The appendage belonged to a Cenobite whose entire upper half was covered in eyes. Eyes in his mouth, eyes in his ears, an eye in place of a bellybutton, even eyes on his chest like Xingtian. Upon being discovered, the eye-coated monstrosity shielded itself as if it got scared and fled past Xingtian who watched as it vanished into the darkness.
"Not to mention no personal space," Xingtian thought as he sighed and rested his useless head in his hands. "Can this place get any worse?"
Just then, a shadow fell over the moping Cenobite as a familiar voice spoke. "Xingtian."
Xingtian scooched himself lower to the floor so he could see none other than the pinned monster that had brought him into this hellish nightmare in the first place. "Uh oh."
"It is time," The pinned being spoke as he gestured for Xingtian to get up.
"T-Time for what?" Xingtian whimpered even as he complied.
"Your field test," The pinned being explained. "We are being summoned back to Earth to claim another soul and you're coming along. Consider it a first taste of your new destiny!"
"Oh, I sure hope it tastes better than the food around this dump." Xingtian commented as he started to follow his new boss down the corridor. "Wait a minute, did you just say we're going back to Earth?"
"Indeed," The pinned Cenobite explained. "Even now as we speak, another hungry soul calls out to us as you once had, his fingers feverishly dancing along his own key to sensation."
"Geez, did they sew a encyclopedia into your brain or something, pal?" Xingtian asked in an annoyed tone. A quick glare from the pinned Cenobite bought his silence.
"Any minute now, the man will complete the puzzle and open the door to our world," The Cenobite continued, his arms behind his back as he led Xingtian down the corridor. "We will greet him in the same manner as we greeted you and, one way or another, he will be made to taste our dark pleasures." The Cenobite chuckled to himself.
Xingtian tented his fingers nervously as he followed the pinned monster. He had trouble recalling everything about his human life, including his first encounter with the Cenobites. And now it would seem he was going to be forced to hunt alongside them, an eternity of pulling other hapless victims into his never ending nightmare. Who ever this poor bastard was that was opening the box, Xingtian pitied him.
Given his experience with these corridors in the time that he'd spent trapped in this realm, Xingtian was surprised to find his new boss stopping before another metal door just a few minutes after they started walking.
Surprised but not relieved.
The pinned Cenobite simply waited before the door suddenly swung itself open and marched right in. Xingtian peered inside with a whine, bracing himself for whatever bloody horrors he might witness. To his surprise, however, the room was a complete 180 from the rest of the Labyrinth. A pristine and sweet-smelling space whose walls, floor and ceiling beheld intricate designs that bore a sense of familiarity to Xingtian. In the middle of the room, the pinned being as well as two other Cenobites stood in a triangle around a large blue space on the floor. Xingtian recognized the Cenobites as the pair he saw making out back in the rec room. The pinned being looked up to Xingtian and beckoned him to complete the circle. "Come!"
With a whimper, Xingtian tiptoed toward the group, stopping just before he stepped on the blue space.
"Heh! What's wrong, meat?" The man with horrifically burned skin taunted. "Afraid you'll get burned?" His melted complexation suddenly burst into flames and he lunged his upper half toward Xingtian, causing the already nervous Cenobite to squeak in fear. He pointed and laughed at the display, even as his body continued to burn like firewood.
"Chill out, Scorch!" His frostbitten mate spoke. "It's his first day on the job! Go easy on him!"
"Aw, come on, Freezer Burn!" Scorch whined, his flames beginning to die down. "I'm just trying to light a fire under his ass!"
Freezer Burn scoffed. "So uncool!"
"Oh god!" Xingtian shouted as he covered his ears, one of the few features on his head that still worked. "Make the puns stop! For the love of Leviathan, make them stop!"
The pinned Cenobite cleared his throat, catching everyone else's attention. "If we're quite finished with this tomfoolery," He paused for a moment to ensure his authority was being respected. "We will be passing the Schism any moment now. Is everyone ready?"
"Ready!" Scorch roared as he burst into flames yet again. One of the resulting embers landed on Xingtian's shoulder and he patted it away quickly with a whimper.
"So am I!" Freezer Burn agreed, the crack in her cheek growing as the floor beneath her feet was coated in a thick frost. Xingtian's toes got caught up in the frost and he had to pull them away, losing a bit more of his skin in the process.
"Ow!" Hopping on one foot as he cradled the other, Xingtian raised his hand. "Um, Mr...uh...Mr..."
"You may refer to me as the Hell Priest and nothing more." The pinned being spoke.
"Um...Mr. Hell Priest?"
"Yes, Xingtian?" He replied with the tone of a tired professor.
"Well...I don't mean to be rude or anything sir but...but how come these guys get super cool elemental powers and I just get a big ugly face on my stomach?" Xingtian gestured to his own body as he said this.
"Heh! If you ask me, it suits you just fine!"
"Scorch!"
The Hell Priest sighed in understanding. "All of us in the Order of the Gash are bestowed a rebirth as seen fit by Lord Leviathan, some more utilitarian than others." He shrugged. "But fear not, Xingtian, for you have a special ability of your own."
"I do?" Xingtian grew excited at the prospect of acquiring some sort of super power with his new deformities and with it, a twinge of horror concerning said excitement. "W-What is it?"
"Pull on your uvula."
"My what? Ohh!" Xingtian reached for his original lips, only to be reminded of his current state of affairs by the bloodied string against his fingertips. "Dammit!" Ignoring Scorch's snickering, he reached into his mouth, shuddered for a moment as he realized he could fit his whole hand in there, and felt around for the uvula, pulling it as hard as he could once he touched it. As expected, nausea overcame him and he quickly pulled out his hand, bent over, and began to heave. Rather than vomit, however, a thick pile of bloody, slimy entrails fell from his gaping jaws onto the floor. "Wah tah!? Ahh! Ma gutz!"Xingtian cried as the steam caused his eyes to water. He reached for them with trembling hands only to be stopped by the Hell Priest.
"Ah ah!" He spoke with a raised finger. "Will them off the ground, flex them as casually as you would your fingers."
"Eazy for u to say, pal!" Xingtian retorted with his hands on his hips. "Unlike you, I don't...huh?" It was only now that Xingtian noticed his guts were no longer coiled on the ground. Instead, they were branching out from his open mouth like the tentacles of an octopus, moving in such a way that he could still make out coherent words. It was painful, of course, a stomach ache a hundred times over and yet Xingtian was too awe-struck by this new development to notice.
"Like it?" The Hell Priest asked. "It's a new experimental procedure the Surgeon's been trying out on our newer recruits. Your nervous system has been stretched out and attached along your intestines which were then segmented into separable parts. A true testament to his dark genius."
"Wow!" Xingtian mused as he brought one of the intestines close to him. "It's like I'm a gory Doctor Octopus!" He pressed his finger against the end of the intestine, only to flinch as a jagged blade jutted out and sliced it open. Xingtian screamed before popping the bloody finger into his mouth. All three of the Cenobites, including Freezer Burn, couldn't help but snicker.
"Ah! I see you've discovered the intestinal blades," The Hell Priest explained. "They were fashioned from the iron in your blood as well as some of your more extendable bones. There's one for every segment of your intestinal tract."
Just then, the room began to shake as the patterns on the walls and ceiling began to light up. The Hell Priest looked up at the ceiling, his expression changing from playful to knowing. "It is time!"
"Uh oh!" Xingtian struggled to get his guts back inside his body, pulling them into his mouth one at a time until only the one with its blade unsheathed was left. As Xingtian neglected to will the blade back in, it caught on his bottom lip as he tried to pull the intestine back into himself. "D'oh!" He started pulling on it in a rather comical fashion, ignoring the blood that trickled down to his crotch. Scorch and Freezer Burn exchanged looks of concern with each other before stepping into the blue space along with the Hell Priest. Xingtian entered the space as well, walking backward toward it as he continued to pull on the rogue intestine. He bumped into Scorch in the process.
"Hey! Watch it!"
"Enough." The Hell Priest demanded. "Time for the harvest!" As he shouted this, the blue space beneath their feet began to glow brighter than any of the patterns on the walls and ceiling. Xingtian was blinded by the light but was too focused on freeing his bottom lip to care or even notice as the group crossed the dimensions. No warp drive or teleportation was this but rather a simple phasing from one reality to the next. After a few moments, the haunting blue light began to fade, revealing a different location than before. Instead of the sweet-smelling room with patterns on its walls, the Cenobites now found themselves in the middle of a high-end penthouse apartment. There was a giant window surrounding them from behind, displaying the city of New York in all its luminescent nocturnal glory. Just before them, at the intersection where the window met the wall, shirtless, bare-foot and legs crossed, was a handsome man in his twenties. In his hand was a puzzle box with designs very similar to the ones back in the room. He had apparently been blinded by the light as well for one arm lay over his face. Once it had faded, he brought it down, his eyes and mouth widening with fear as he bore witness to the mutilated monsters before him.
"Oh my god!" He shouted with a choke.
"Donald Musk," The Hell Priest spoke. "We've come for yo-"
The entire penthouse trembled as Xingtian fell on his back, interrupting the Hell Priest's greeting. The force of the fall was enough to finally push the blade through the flesh of his bottom lip, carving a new wound in the process. "H-Hey! I did it!" Xingtian exclaimed proudly as he held the intestine up. "I did it!"
The Hell Priest cleared his throat as he and the other Cenobites glared at their clumsy companion. "There is another matter of greater importance at hand, Xingtian!"
"Huh?" Xingtian finally noticed that he was in another location. He whistled. "Nice place you got here! I wonder if...*gasp*...Oh my Leviathan!" As he was getting up, Xingtian noticed the mini bar to his left, just where the giant window ended. "Booze!" He rushed over to the bar, punched through the glass cabinet, and pulled out a bottle of expensive rum. He twisted the top off and poured the sweet substance down his giant maw, not even minding the blood trickling from his injured hand down into the stream. "Oh! Damn, I needed that!"
"Ahem!" The Hell Priest called out with a tapping foot. Xingtian turned to him again and only now did he notice the shirtless man in their company which refreshed his memory concerning why they were here in the first place.
"Oh right! The harvest thingy." Wiping his bottom lips, smearing blood and rum on his skin in the process, Xingtian walked up to the man known as Donald Musk whose fear at that point had mostly given way to confusion. "Alright, jerk! Prepare to get Cenobited!"
"Ceno...bited?" Scorch's eye twitched as Freezer Burn physically cringed.
Donald blinked. "W-What's the deal with this guy? I-Is he like the dumb muscle of your group or something?"
"He's new." The Hell Priest explained as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "But even through his idiotic tongue, he speaks the truth of your fate, Donald. You opened the box and now you will come with us!"
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Donald held his hands up, dropping the box to the floor. "I think there's been a serious misunderstanding here. When that homeless bum that gave me the box said it would unlock a world of pleasures, I was expecting something like untaxable money or a harem of nudist supermodels. Not a bunch of over-the-top mall goths!"
The Hell Priest simply chuckled. "Wealth and flesh of the opposite sex. Such a limited imagination you possess!" He held out his hand toward the billionaire. "Come! We will show you what true pleasure is!"
Donald gulped as he stood up and reached a shaky hand into his back pocket. "H-Hey! Hey! Easy there, Needleface!" He pulled out his wallet and opened it up, lowering it so the Cenobites could see the abundant strips of green paper inside. "I-I can tell just by l-looking at you that you and I have very different ideas of fun! S-so tell you what! You pretend this whole thing never happened and leave quietly and whatever organization you guys work for will receive a very generous donation." He chuckled as he pulled out a few $100 bills and waved them in an enticing manner. "What do you say?"
The Hell Priest scoffed. "You place far too much faith in your monetary deity, Donald. We of the Order of the Gash can not be bought as easily as one of your intrepid enforcers of law! We can not be bribed by mere-XINGTIAN!"
As the other Cenobites watched in shock, Xingtian gleefully accepted the bills from Donald's open palm, making himself a neat little stack in his own. "A 300 dollars! A 400 dollars! A 500-"
"Xingtian!" The Hell Priest roared. "Cenobites do not accept bribes!"
"But think of all the useless crap we can buy!" Xingtian whined in a rather childish tone.
"The currency you hold in your hands holds no value in the Labyrinth any way!" The Hell Priest barked. "Now cease this tiresome stupidity and capture the target!"
"Ohh!" Xingtian grumbled in disappointment as he let the money fall to the floor. Turning to the shaking billionaire, he suddenly tensed up his arms and adopted a determined expression on his stomach. "Alright, Richie Rich! Prepare to be harvested!" He opened his mouth and willed his weaponized intestines to tumble out, the blades jutting out from the ends as soon as they hit the air. Donald whimpered and backed away as the writhing mess of guts followed. One of the swinging blades cut into his cheek with enough force to knock him on his ass. He gritted his teeth in horrid anticipation of the pain this obese monster was about to inflict as he stood over him. "Ha ha! Time to eat the rich!" Xingtian declared as he prepared to impale the hapless man on one of his intestines, his mind falling far into the mindset of a predator.
Unfortunately, he had fallen so hard, he failed to notice the box at his feet until he stepped on it, cutting his foot on the sharp corner.
"Ow!" Xingtian tripped on the box at once, falling on his back and shooting the intestine meant for Donald right through the ceiling fan. It punctured the device, sending a jolt of searing electricity coursing through the intestine and into the rest of Xingtian's body, rendering him a spasming, screaming mess, the rest of his intestines whipping about uncontrollably. As this was happening, Xingtian happened to kick the box, sending it flying toward the wall where it bounced off from, hit the ceiling and headed straight for the Hell Priest. In the midst of this chaos, Donald saw his chance to escape and quickly scrambled back to his feet before taking off toward the door.
The Hell Priest growled as he pointed toward the fleeing billionaire. "Don't let him esca-GAH!" He cried as the box smacked him in the head, pushing three of his pins in deeper through the skull and bending a fourth. As he struggled to get them out, Scorch and Freezer Burn made their move, carefully dodging the writhing intestines.
Freezer Burn noticed one of the intestines swinging toward Donald's direction and grabbed onto it. As she rode it across the room, it began to freeze into a state of necrosis, snapping off right as she was before the door. She landed in front of it like a ninja, ignoring Xingtian's screams of pain and what remained of the intestine shattering onto the floor next to her. Donald wavered to a stop as he neared her.
"Leaving so soon?" She cooed as the floor beneath her bare feet began to freeze. The frost covered the wall behind her as well, sealing the door off from the would-be escapee. "Don't be so cold!"
"Pardon me!" Scorch shouted as he exhaled a trail of fire before Xingtian's intestines, forcing them away which cleared a path for him. He chuckled to himself as Xingitan continued to writhe in agony, grabbing one of his burning intestines and blowing on it. "What's wrong, pal?" He asked Donald as he stomped toward him, catching the terrified billionaire's attention. "Kitchen getting a little too hot for ya!?" With this, he shot another trail of fire from his throat toward the billionaire.
Donald gasped and jumped down to the floor, barely missing the fire. He groaned as he felt the hot air on his bare back and once that sensation had ended, he turned to see his favorite couch aflame. "No! My Sumatran Tigerskin gaming couch!" He cried before turning to Scorch with a growl. "If you worked for me, you would so be fired!"
Scorch's only response, of course, was to blast more fire at Donald.
Thus began a chaotic game of cat and mouse between Donald and the two elemental Cenobites with Xingtian in the middle, flailing most of his intestines aimlessly. The Hell Priest had just finished pulling out the last of his ruined pins and noticed the pandemonium before him, causing him to grit his teeth in anger. "No more games!" He shouted as he held out his hand, intending to send a hooked chain tearing through Donald's back. Before he could accomplish this, however, one of Xingtian's intestines suddenly slammed against his legs, sweeping him off his feet. He landed on his back, a few more of his pins pushed into his skull by his impact with the floor. He screamed in maddened agony and annoyance as a pool of blood formed beneath his head.
Donald was in constant motion, almost dancing as he moved between intestine and flame. At one point in the chase, Freezer Burn jumped in front of him and blew an icy gust of air from her mouth toward his feet, freezing his left heel to the floor and causing him to howl in agony. "No time to be getting cold feet," She giggled as she approached him.
"Lady, this pain ain't nothing against your damn puns!" Donald cried as he pooled all of his strength into his leg and tore it free, leaving a large strip of his skin frozen on the floor. He winced as he tried to hop back toward the door, chilled blood flowing down his elevated foot and leaving a trail of droplets behind. Disoriented by the pain, he hobbled between the downed Xingtian and Hell Priest. Scorch and Freezer Burn quickly took positions to box him in, him at the left of their prey and she at the right. Donald whimpered as he realized there was nowhere left to run and, with tears falling down his face, he pulled out his wallet and held it up to the sky. "I quit praying a long time ago but if you're listening to me, save me, Almighty Dollar!"
"Shouldn't have played with fire, pal!" Scorch taunted as he prepared to launch more flames toward the billionaire.
"This will cool you off!" Freezer Burn added as she prepared to unleash more ice breath.
It was around this time that Xingtian finally managed to quell the last of the flames on his intestines. "Phew! Glad that's over!" Xingtian dropped his head back to the ground with a sigh, content with just laying on the floor and letting the others take care of things. "Huh?" However, he happened to notice Donald in close proximity to him and the prospect of an easy victory lit a fire in his belly once more. "Ha! Got you now, sucker!" He looked up to the single intestine still buried where the ceiling fan used to be and struggled to pull it free. After a few moments of him grunting and the cracks in the ceiling growing, Xingtian finally wrenched the intestine out and sent it hurtling toward the billionaire.
It happened to wrap around him at the exact moment that Scorch and Freezer Burn unleashed their breath attacks and the Hell Priest had picked his head up. "No!" Was all he had time to shout before Xingtian pulled Donald up in the air, allowing the two attacks to graze each on the way to their new targets. Scorch's breath hit Freezer Burn, setting her aflame. She screamed in agony as her frigid skin began to melt off her bones in a bloody slush.
"Babe!" Scorch cried out before he was hit with Freezer Burn's ice breath. The resulting chill was enough to forcibly douse his flames, leaving him a shivering, bewildered mess. He could only reach out helplessly to his girlfriend as she dissolved into a puddle of icy gore.
"Oops!" Xingtian commented as he suspended Donald up in the air, pressing his face against the ceiling.
"Xingtian, you idiot!" The Hell Priest snarled.
"C-Come on, boss!" Xingtian whined. "I got him, didn't I?" He pointed toward his captive as he said this, unaware that he was reaching into his front pocket.
"That's what you think, Tubby!" Donald called out as he pulled a exotic-looking knife from his pocket and sliced through the intestine holding him. Xingtian let out a scream of pain that was cut short as Donald landed directly on top of him. The billionaire bounced off the fat Cenobite's stomach, rolled onto the floor, and got to his feet, all while blood from the severed intestine fell into Xingtian's eyes. "Ornate Jade Knife, bitches!" He shouted as he dashed toward the door, laughing all the while. His laughter died out as he neared the frozen door and recalled what happened earlier. "Oh. Right." After a few moments of silence, he continued to laugh as he bolted in the other direction toward the window.
"Someone stop him!" The Hell Priest demanded as he struggled to pull the last ruined pin out from behind his head.
"I got it!" Xingtian declared as he shot one of his remaining intestines toward the fleeing billionaire. His target had just passed Scorch who continued to mutter in confusion and grief over his lost lover. As Xingtian was still partially blinded by the blood in his eyes, he couldn't distinguish between the two men and had his intestinal blade impale the one closest to him. "Whoo-Hoo!" Xingtian cheered as he wiped the blood from his eyes. "I did it! I di-"
Instead of Donald, it was Scorch impaled on Xingtian's intestine, his heart skewered on the blade.
"D'oh!"
The Hell Priest had just ripped the final bent nail from his head as the cackling Donald ran past him. "You'll never catch me, peons! I can fly, baby! I can fly!" Both remaining Cenobites watched as the crazed billionaire crashed through the window and fell toward the busy streets below, laughing madly all the while. "Yeah, baby! I can fly! I can-" He stopped himself abruptly. "Wait a minute, the antigravity ointment I ordered from Europe hasn't arrived yet!" Realizing he was falling to his death, Donald screamed and flailed all the way down. He landed on the sidewalk, smashing against the pavement like an egg.
The Hell Priest rushed over to the broken window, making it just in time to see the billionaire go splat. "Nooooo!" He wailed in anguish.
Xingtian forced himself to get back up despite the tremendous pain he was in, tossed Scorch's lifeless corpse to the side, and walked up to the window, whistling as he caught sight of Donald's body. "Man, talk about a nut case."
"You imbecile!" The Hell Priest barked. "Do you have idea what you've done!?"
"W-What's the problem?" Xingtian blubbered. "Weren't we trying to kill that guy in the first place?"
"We were trying to harvest his flesh and soul," the Hell Priest explained. "And to do that, he needed to die by the hands of a Cenobite! But now that you've allowed him to destroy himself," He gestured to the broken window and the crowd of people gathering around Donald's mangled corpse. "He is forever out of our reach!"
"Oh come on!" Xingtian responded. "He only jumped out that window because he was trying to get away from us! That's basic cause and effect! Surely, that's got to count for something!" Just as he finished his sentence, the room began to tremble and the box behind Xingtian began to open and glow. "H-Hey! W-What's going on?"
"With Donald dead, we have failed the mission and thus have no reason to linger in this realm." The Hell Priest droned in a disappointed and weary voice. "We are to return to our realm empty-handed and without two of our colleagues." He rubbed the spot where the box had stuck him, the wounds where his pins used to be still bloody and raw. "Oh, the shame."
"Oh, don't feel so bad, HP!" Xingtian said as he placed a hand on his new boss's shoulder, ignoring the death glare he was receiving. "Look at the bright side! No more crappy temperature-based puns!" He flashed a huge smile in an attempt to be friendly, unaware of how much blood and scum was on his teeth.
As the light buzzed into electrical currents that consumed the room and all inside, the Hell Priest could think to do but one thing. Something he had never done before nor ever felt the need to until this very moment. Something that he knew he would come to regret but could not avoid all the same, not with this absolute failure of a Cenobite smiling at him dumbly. Something to act as the perfect cap off to this total disaster of a mission.
He facepalmed.
"Alright," Lisa sighed as she scrolled the powerpoint on her laptop back to the beginning. It was evening at the Simpson's household and in addition to Marge and her two children, Abraham, Patty, and Selma were all sitting in the living room, having been gathered by Lisa saying she had made a breakthrough in finding Homer. The reactions when Lisa first announced this were mixed. Marge was elated, Patty and Selma were disappointed, Bart was indifferent and Grandpa needed four minutes to remember who this Homer character was. Despite the varied emotions, everyone became equally confused when Lisa placed her laptop as well as a strange box on the coffee table and showed them a powerpoint speaking of strange demons and extradimensional torture. Thus, Lisa decided to go over it again a bit more slowly.
"It all begins with the box," Lisa began as she pointed to the picture on the screen depicting the same box that sat next to the laptop. "This seemingly innocuous box is known as the Lament Configuration. It's been around since the 18th Century and was commissioned by aristocrat Duc de L'Isle to local toymaker Phillip LeMarchand." Lisa lowered the screen to the next page, depicting portraits of the two men she had just mentioned. "It seemed like a typical toy commission on the surface but little did LeMarchand know that Duc de L'Isle dabbled in black magic and intended the box to become a key to the gates of Hell itself!"
Lisa moved on to the third slide, this one displaying the horrid pictures she had seen on the Encyclopaedia Infernoko earlier. "Enter the Cenobites! A race of formerly human monsters that thrive on pain and suffering, both to themselves and their victims! They exist in another reality which connects to ours by the Lament Configurations! They have their emissaries seek out unsuspecting victims to lend the Configurations to and wait for them to open the gates of Hell themselves! Once that happens, they cross the open door into our world and take the damned soul back to theirs for endless torture!" Lisa paused for a few moments to catch her breath, giving her bewildered audience a chance to exchange glances. "Anyway, I think Dad somehow got ahold of this box," She picked up the box and held it before her audience. "And was kidnapped by the Cenobites. Does anyone have any questions?"
Ever so slowly, Bart raised his hand.
"Yes, Bart?"
"What straightjacket size are you?" He burst into laughter.
Lisa growled. "Bart, I'm serious! Look, I know how this sounds and all but there are credible reports dating back to the time of Rome! We're talking dozens of eyewitness accounts and first-hand encounters! The Cenobites are real and they took our father!" She looked around at the concerned faces before her and her heart began to sink. "Doesn't anyone believe me?"
"Oh, it's not that we don't believe you, sweetheart." Marge cooed while avoiding eye contact. "It's just...why would a bunch of scary bondage monsters want to take your father of all people?"
"Assuming they could even lift his fat carcass across the gateway." Selma and Patty snickered at their own comment.
"Well, from the site I've been reading them up on," Lisa turned to her laptop and switched over to the website from earlier. "The Cenobites are naturally drawn to those with overjealous appetites and vices, people likely to be seeking forbidden pleasures. These vices can range from everything to food, sex, drugs, wealth, power, or even outright laziness!"
Marge murmured sadly. "Oh. That does sound a lot like my Homie."
"Oh, I hate those damned Cenobites!" Abraham butted in with. "They were a real pest back in WWII, always tearing up our fighter planes and stealing all our good women!"
"Grandpa, I think you're confusing Cenobites with gremlins," Lisa said.
"Oh Lisa! Everyone knows gremlins are just a myth!" Abraham waved his hands. "Unlike the dragon that done swallows the moon every so often. Now that's scary."
"Oh god. Not that again." Lisa whispered under her breath as she rolled her eyes. In that brief moment, Bart jumped off the couch and grabbed the box from her hands.
"Yoink!"
"Hey!"
"So let me get this straight. You solve this dumb old puzzle and demons come out?" Bart asked as he looked over the box. Lisa tried to take it back but he adopted a classic keep-away pose, pushing her away with one hand and holding up the box in the other.
"Bart, please!" Lisa pleaded as she reached for the box in vain. "That box is not a toy! It's extremely dangerous!"
"I'll be careful, Lis." Bart promised as he lightly shoved his sister away and turned toward the table. He started to mess with the box, sticking his tongue out as he focused. It took him four minutes to finally get the top section to rise up as his sister did earlier and once he did, he immediately grew impatient. "Alright, this is lame! Let's speedrun this sucker!" He pulled a hammer from his pocket and starting whamming the box, shouting "Smash!" every time he brought it down.
"Bart!" Lisa ripped the box away from the table before her brother could land another blow. Despite taking five full blows from the hammer, the box wasn't so much as dented. "Don't destroy the box! It might be the only way to find Dad!"
Marge murmured. "I still don't completely understand just what's going on here," She got up from the couch, a determined look in her eyes. "But if there's even the slightest chance to save my Homie in all this, then dammnit, I'm in!" In her arms, Maggie sucked in approval.
"Whoo-Hoo!" Bart shouted.
"All right, Mom!" Lisa added.
"Well, we're out," Selma said as she put her cigarette out in a nearby potted plant and got up from her seat along with Patty. "You guys have fun with your Cenobites!"
"Oh, but do let us know if you find any cute single ones while you're at it," Patty added. "I wouldn't mind a partner with a few extra piercings."
"Me neither." The two smoking aunts chuckled to themselves as they walked out the door. Marge and her kids watched them leave then turned their attention to the other side of the room where Abraham was snoring loudly in his chair.
"Looks like it's just us," Marge sighed.
"And that's all we need." Lisa reassured her before turning back to the laptop. "Now first things first, we need to find a safer entryway into Hell than the box."
"Oh, that shouldn't be too hard."
"What makes you say that, Bart?"
"I didn't say anything." Bart shivered for he recognized that voice all too well. Slowly, all four Simpsons turned to the doorway where a familiar presence was standing, one with blood-red hair and a butcher's knife in his hands.
"Hmm, yes. It shouldn't be that hard to send you all to Hell," Bob chuckled as he cleaned the last speck of pig's blood from his pilfered knife. He turned to the Simpsons with a evil sneer. "Why, it should be as easy as squeezing the life from a baby!"
"Ahhh! Sideshow Bob!" The Simpsons screamed.
"Will you all keep it down!?" Abraham suddenly shouted. "I'm trying to sleep here!" He glared at the family and the new visitor for a few moments before falling right back to sleep with a huge snore.
(Uh oh! Looks like Sideshow Bob has caught the family at a bad time! How will they ever get out of this one!? Please review if you enjoyed the story and please check out the upcoming chapter of Animal Avenger for the AN explaining how I'll be doing things from now on. Peace!)