Season 11
At the Poseidon Imperial Navy base in Hawaii, Mon brought in all of his Insane officers for a special mission. In this case, he summoned his son, Kon-El, to his office. "As you no doubt heard, my former XO pussied out of this mission with an appendicitis. He's the worst I've ever had. A piece of shit," Mon said.
"I hadn't heard," Kon smirked.
"The appendicitis part or the part about him being a piece of shit?" Mon asked.
"Yes," Kon nodded.
"I need an Insane to fill his spot this time. Not some human that can come down with a non-existent medical emergency. Your name was at the top of my list," Mon said.
"Nice to know, for a change," Kon said, pleased.
"It was a short list," Mon shut down. "It's been a while since I was a father to you. What do you like to do? Paint, play ball, play an instrument, ride motorcycles?"
"Ride girls," Kon replied.
"What's the best girl you've ever rode?" Mon asked.
"Arabian," Kon answered.
"An Arabian? Now, that's a feisty kind," Mon complimented.
"Ever ridden one?" Kon asked conversationally.
"Who, me? Are you kidding? Of course I have," Mon said, obviously. "Yeah, girls are fascinating animals. Dumb as fence posts but very intuitive. They may not have a brain in their head, but they do know all the boys want to fuck them."
There was a long, awkward silence between them. "Well, welcome to the Crimson Fucker, son," Mon said, standing up.
"Thank you, Sir," Kon smiled.
Kara joined Mon and his officers for a meeting to discuss recent Dominator aggression. "Gentlemen, after a nice little vacation, looks like we're back at it again. I hope you enjoyed the peace because as of now we're back in the business of kicking ass and taking names. In the good old days, the Dominators could always be depended upon to do whatever was in their best interests. But now, it's a cluster-fuck. The emperor has ramped up operations against the Khund Empire. It's a whole new ballgame with a whole new set of rules of engagement. We're going to go out there and give the entire Dominator Empire a moment of pause. Here are the facts: Four armored divisions numbering 60,000 men are killing, raping, and pillaging the fuck out of Khund colony worlds."
"They have seized the northwest corner colony worlds of the Khund Empire bordering the Archanis Sector. That includes a submarine base here and has placed twenty-five ICBMs with ten warheads apiece here. Now, the Dominator government has assured us that talks are underway and I'm pretty sure they're full of shit. They claim these ICBMs will never be pointed at the Galactic Federation," Kara said.
"Nonetheless, should they become operational, they're in striking distance of Sol, Titan, Winath, and Naltorian systems," Mon added.
"Your orders are to be underway by 0600 hours to assume alert coverage. Please keep your men informed. Kon-El will be our new XO. Bring him up to speed on ship personnel and supplies," Mon said. "Anything else?"
"That's it," Kara concluded. Kara and Mon then left the room while Kon got to know the officers under him.
The officers introduced themselves one by one. "Laurel, communications officer; Ol, weapons officer; Telos, supply officer; Dax, operations officer."
Kon politely greeted them all, not intimidated by their age and experience.
Outside, in the pouring rain, the submarine crew stood at attention. Mon took his sweet-ass time getting to the formation. "All men present and accounted for," Brainiac 5 informed him, acting as Chief of the Boat.
"Little ducks, there is trouble in the Beta Quadrant. So, they called us because we're the best. We're going over there and bringing the most lethal killing machine ever devised. We're capable of launching more firepower than has ever been released in the history of war. And I'm not just talking about me and my Insane officers. You, mere humans, on this boat, are capable of ending millions of lives. And we're going to kill those millions, if necessary, for one purpose alone: to keep our empire safe. We constitute the front line and the last line of defense. I expect and demand your very best. Anything less, you should have joined the chair-force," Mon addressed his men.
His men chuckled a bit at that. "This might be the Supreme Leader's navy, but this is my boat, and I will do whatever the fuck I want. All I ask from you is that you keep up with me and follow my orders blindly. And, if you can't, I will put my boot solidly in your ass."
Mon then turned to Brainiac 5. "Mr. Dox, you are aware of the name of this ship, right?"
"Very aware, Sir," Brainiac 5 replied.
"It has a proud name, doesn't it, Mr. Dox?" Mon asked rhetorically.
"Very proud, Sir," Brainiac 5 said.
"It represents very fine people, doesn't it?" Mon continued.
"Very fine people, Sir," Brainiac 5 confirmed.
"Who live in the finest empire, in an outstanding system...," Mon said.
"Outstanding, Sir," Brainiac 5 seconded.
"And on the greatest planet in the entire universe," Mon said. "And what is the name of our boat?"
"The Crimson Fucker, Sir," Brainiac 5 said finally.
"Chief of the Boat, dismiss the crew. It's rainy as fuck out here," Mon ordered.
"Aye, Sir, dismiss the crew," Brainiac 5 agreed. "Crew, department heads, attend to your departments. Fall out." The men then rushed to get onboard the Poseidon submarine, sitting in the water.
The Crimson Fucker then took to the air and made a number of checks prior to entering outer space. Mon smoked a victory cigar and then handed one to Kon on the roof deck. "Here, part of your qualifications for command."
Kon humored him and lit the cigar with his thumb. "The last day of polluted air for the next sixty-five days. I'm going to miss it. I don't trust air I can't see," Mon said.
"Neither can I," Kon agreed.
"This is my favorite part, right here, right now," Mon said as they saw the sunset on the horizon. Kon said nothing to that. "Well, bravo, Kon. You know to shut up and enjoy the view. Most nerds want to talk it away. Your stock with me just went up a few points."
"Thanks," Kon said appreciatively.
"If you want your own boat one day, the best thing you can do is not to try to impress me or anyone else. I can't stand a kiss-ass. Keep your priorities straight and focus on your mission and your men," Mon taught.
"Getting some mixed signals there," Kon said, confused.
"XO, prepare to leave orbit and cloak," Mon ordered.
Kon took charge of the ship while Mon hung out in his stateroom. "Initiate cloak, 50-meter bubble. Take us out of orbit." The Crimson Fucker cloaked itself and left Earth's orbit. It then went to warp speed to the Beta Quadrant.
At breakfast, the officers hung out to talk about Earth's history. "The Dominator emperor thinks he's a god. Someone should just step up and shoot the motherfucker," Ol said seriously.
"I have no problem with that," Telos agreed.
"What's wrong with being a fanatic? It makes men great," Dax said.
"What does that make us?" Laurel wondered.
"It makes us a prime target," Dax answered. "There's a half-dozen other empires that want to fuck with us."
"That's right, we should nuke the fuck out of them first," Telos said.
"You think it was a mistake, Kon? Dropping the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?" Mon questioned.
"I feel it was a lost opportunity," Kon said honestly.
"How so?" Mon asked, staring right at him.
"Instead of the bombings, the Americans could have invaded Japan. There would be fighting in every village, on every street corner. And all the while Americans bombers and ships would be fucking things up. Tens of thousands of Americans would have died in the fighting, and millions of Japanese would have died defending or starving to death, and it would have lasted for a year or more. Instead, they bombed them, vaporized some civilians, and the war was over in days. What the fuck is that?" Kon said.
The Insane officers gawked at him. "And, you know what, it may not even have been the atomic bombs that got them to surrender but the Soviet invasion of Manchuria," Kon added.
"Oh, that's bullshit," Telos doubted.
"Interesting way of putting it," Mon smirked. "Of course, both approaches can qualify as Insane depending on where your heart and mind are at. For me, I'm just a simple son-of-a-bitch. Why waste time with one civilization in a protracted fight when I can just nuke them and go onto the next?"
"Unfortunately, there was no next target," Kon replied.
"Regardless of what Insane action you decide to take, always know why," Mon taught. "War is politics by another means. The sailor who hopes to win a war parts company with the politicians and ignores everything but the destruction of the enemy. Would you agree to that?"
"Sometimes, in war, one must...kiss ass to the politicians to get the weaponry, the supplies, the ships, the men to fight greater battles. General Patton was politically stupid, a novice. He offended the wrong people and got stuck in Greece while other generals got the glory," Kon said.
"But General Patton did get his glory," Mon pointed out.
"He could have been greater, and, in my view, the Deep State assassinated him right after the end of the war," Kon said.
"It looks like I need to put a leash on you," Mon joked. "You're too much for me."
A few days later, there was an uncontrollable fire in the kitchen. The cooks failed to put the fire out and evacuated. The alarm bells then went off. Kon ran to the source of the fire and entered the inferno. He blasted the area with frost breath, putting the fire out. "Fire contained," Ol reported to Mon on the bridge.
"Initiate weapon's test," Mon ordered.
"Battle stations, missile weapon's test!" the intercom boomed.
"The fuck?" Kon wondered and then raced to get to the bridge.
On the bridge, Dax got a simulated message from Imperial Command. "I agree, the message is properly formatted with correct punctuation and spelling," he said. "I concur with the launch."
"Where is the XO?" Mon asked impatiently.
Kon then arrived on the bridge. "Good of you to make it," Mon said sarcastically.
"Get the authenticator keys," Kon ordered Ol and Dax. Once the keys were out of the safe, all three of them approached Mon.
"Message is authentic," Ol said to Mon. "I concur," Dax concurred.
"I agree," Kon chimed in.
"Proceed with the exercise," Mon ordered.
"That flare in the kitchen could come back," Kon pointed out.
"And I don't give a shit," Mon said dismissively.
"Chief Petty Officer Marichek has gone into cardiac arrest. He gonna die!" the medic radioed the bridge.
"Shit...cancel the drill. Laurel, take the conn. I'm going below," Mon said and then left the bridge.
Mon and Kon went to the kitchen where the medics were doing CPR on Marichek. "Kon?" Mon asked.
Kon scanned the man with his X-ray vision. "He's gone," he said softly.
"It's okay, doc," Mon said and gave him a pat on the back for effort. Marichek had died from smoke inhalation, dragging injured men out of the fire.
Mon and Kon had a chat in the captain's quarters away from everyone else. "So, do you think I was wrong to run that drill?" Mon asked.
"Not...necessarily," Kon said, confused with himself.
"You think I got that man killed?" Mon pressed.
"The drill had nothing to do with it. It was an accident," Kon said honestly.
"Would you have run the drill?" Mon asked.
"Absolutely," Kon said. "It was exhilarating having to deal with both problems at once. The best time to run a drill is during a clusterfuck. Chaos is nothing to fear. Chaos is a ladder. It should be taken advantage of when the opportunity arises. We are a ship of war, designed for war. When the enemy attacks, we may not be in optimal conditions," Kon said.
Mon simply stared at Kon, wondering if he was feeding him the right answers or truly an Insane. "I don't know if I am sensing a Yee-haw out of you. Was that your first thought that came to mind?"
"I wasn't thinking. I was acting on instinct," Kon replied.
"Why did you mention the flare in the kitchen then?" Mon asked.
"Only by knowing all the facts can you make the most Insane decision," Kon replied.
"Take a seat," Mon offered. Kon took a seat across from him. "Just so we understand each other, I don't have any problems with questions or doubts. As I said before, I'm not looking for a kiss-ass. But if you disagree with me on the proper Insane action, you do it on the bridge with your big-boy voice, so everyone knows it. Are we clear about that, commander?"
"As a bell," Kon nodded.
"Those human sailors have been trained to do unthinkable things, but nuclear holocaust goes against their natural instinct. The only way to override their moral safeguards is an unquestionable devotion to their Insane chain of command. That means we don't question each other's motives in front of them. It means we don't undermine each other in front of them. But on the bridge, when it's just us, Insane, feel free to shit-talk as much as you feel appropriate. Do you agree with that?" Mon asked.
"Absolutely, Sir," Kon said.
"We're here to preserve democracy for ourselves and take it away from everyone else," Mon told him. "There will be a memorial service at 1100 hours. Go see to it. Have fun."
"Aye, Sir," Kon said and got up to leave.
"And Kon, it was the fact Marichek was a fatass that killed him, not the fire. Remember that. Dismissed," Mon said coldly.
"Noted, Sir," Kon nodded as he left.
After the memorial service, Kon went back to his gym clothes and did some PT. He then encountered Ol working on his uniform. "That memorial service was awkward. The human sailors think the captain is an asshole," Kon remarked.
"The captain is an asshole," Ol confirmed.
"Like, not the kind of asshole that is a badass but the kind of asshole that gets your own people killed," Kon explained.
"The fire was out before the drill, wasn't it?" Ol asked knowingly.
"A fire is a big fucking deal on a spaceship. Where the fuck was he? Why didn't he check it out?" Kon asked.
"Because he knew you had it handled or maybe he didn't give a fuck," Ol shrugged. "You wanna fight him. Go ahead. I'll watch."
"So, what are you really saying?" Kon asked.
"Watch out, give him a little room. Let him get to know your Insane style," Ol advised.
Suddenly, an alert went out as a genuine message was received from Imperial Command. An emergency officers' meeting was soon thereafter conducted. "The captain wanted me to brief you on the situation. As you know, before we were underway, the Dominator army has encircled the Khunds and threatened to nuke the fuck out of them. Now, ordinarily, we wouldn't give a fuck. But those same land-based missiles could also target Galactic Federation worlds and starbases, including Earth, Titan, Winath, and Naltoria. The only safeguard is the emperor's word or whoever is speaking for him. Intel indicates the entire Dominator war council has access to the launch codes and they're all crazy as fuck. Captain."
"Imperial Command has determined that should our probes detect Dominator missiles being fueled on the neutral zone border, which means they could be launched within an hour, we'll be compelled to act. Now, given our patrol in the Archanis Sector, it seems clear a preemptive strike is on the table. It's important to remain focused, inform your men, dismissed," Mon said.
Tensions arose on the ship, and eventually, fighting broke out. Kon confronted one of the fighters, Petty Officer Rivetti of Italy. "What the fuck is going on?" Kon demanded.
"A difference of opinion, Sir," Rivetti said vaguely.
"About imminent nuclear war, billions of deaths, and the end of civilizations?" Kon asked.
"No, Bennefield is a big fan of the Moebius Silver Surfer. I said the original Silver Surfer is the only Silver Surfer and that the Moebius one is shit. We pushed each other, and things got out of hand," Rivetti said.
"Holy shit," Kon said stunned. "Look, Silver Surfer is ancient history, a thousand years ago. He's gone. Galactus is gone. Who gives a shit? You're a fucking supervisor. You have set an example. So, go back to Bennefield and set him straight, kick his ass if you have to."
"Yes, Sir," Rivetti said and then took off.
Kon then approached Mon. "The missile tests," he said, giving him a datapad.
"Is this the best they can do?" Mon asked.
"No, but that's what they did," Kon replied.
"It would appear this human crew needs a kick in the ass," Mon said unimpressed.
"Fighting is happening more frequently, morale is low, your leadership is working," Kon assured him.
Mon chuckled at that. "Well, you seem to have the pulse of the men." Mon then picked up the phone to the intercom system. "This is your captain speaking. I have been told that morale may be low. I want to remind you all that you were handpicked by Imperial Command to serve on my boat. It's a great honor to serve under the Prince of all Insane. And we are so close to triggering a galactic war singlehandedly. You should all feel lucky and incredibly proud to be in this moment. So, stop your bitching. That is all."
"Very inspiring," Kon smiled.
Two weeks into the tour, the Crimson Fucker was close to the border. On the bridge, Laurel got an update on the sensors' crew. "We have a possible cloaked sub," she informed Mon.
"Ready torpedoes," Mon ordered Ol. "Expand the cloak," he said to Dax. "Find out who that fucker is?" he said to Laurel.
Laurel then got a transmission from Imperial Command. "ICBMs are being fueled, ready to launch within the hour," she reported.
"I concur," Dax said as he read the message from her screen.
"Man battle stations for strategic launch," Mon ordered.
"Message is authentic," Laurel determined.
"I concur," Dax seconded.
Mon nodded and then took to the mic. "Release of missiles has been authorized. This is not a drill." Kon repeated the message to the crew.
"The cloak is interfering with communications to Imperial Command. We're cut off," Laurel reported.
"More power to the antenna," Mon ordered.
"Two-hundred-meter cloak, Sir, " Brainiac 5 said to Mon.
"It's a Dominator Suijin-class attack submarine," Laurel reported. "They're close, but I don't think they have spotted us."
"Increase power to the cloak and stay on them," Mon ordered.
"Three-hundred-meter cloak, Sir," Brainiac 5 said to Mon.
"They're gone," Laurel said, confused as the Dominator sub disappeared from her screen.
"Missile launch ready to go in eleven minutes," Ol reported.
"Receiving emergency transmission from Imperial Command, but the cloak is scrambling the message," Laurel said urgently.
"Bring down the cloak," Kon suggested.
"With that sub out there?" Mon questioned.
"Four hundred meters," Brainiac 5 said as the cloak bubble became even bigger around the ship.
"Captain, Sir," Kon stood up to Mon.
"It is my intention to launch those missiles and get the fuck out of here. I will not jeopardize the mission nor this boat," Mon told him.
"May I suggest we send out a Hermes probe? We have enough cable for the probe to reach the outer rim of the cloak to receive the transmission," Kon suggested.
"Very well," Mon allowed.
A Hermes probe detached from the Crimson Fucker and floated out into space inside the cloak field. As it did, it made a screeching sound with the cable, annoying the bridge crew for a good minute. "Cut it loose, God damn," Mon ordered. The Hermes probe became detached and floated aimlessly in space.
The Suiji sub detected the sound of the Crimson Fucker and fired two torpedoes at her. "Torpedoes headed towards us," Laurel said, alarmed.
"Maximum impulse, turn right," Mon said quickly. "Launch countermeasures, turn left full." The Crimson Fucker fired off decoys to the right and turned hard to the left. The torpedoes impacted the decoys with powerful explosions that rattled the ship.
"Dominator sub has disappeared," Laurel frowned.
"Keep looking; they're out there looking for us," Mon told her.
"Missiles ready to launch in six minutes," Ol reported.
"Imperial Command?" Kon asked Laurel.
"Err...here," she said, showing him her screen. Kon eyed the message. "Nuclear missile laun...," it said and then cut off.
"That's it?" Kon questioned.
"Message got cut off when the cable was severed," Laurel explained.
"Well, okay then," Kon said incredulously.
"Give me a 50-meter cloak so we can launch," Mon ordered Brainiac 5.
"You might want to look at this message," Kon said to Mon. He eyed the message on Laurel's screen.
"What the fuck?" he wondered.
"It got cut off during the attack," Kon told him.
"Then, it's meaningless," Mon shrugged.
"The message could be anything. It could be to abort," Kon said reasonably.
"Or a fake Dominator transmission," Mon said.
"So, we need to confirm, right?" Kon asked, expectedly. "We should wait until we get back online with Imperial Command."
"Kon, calm the fuck down, Jesus," Mon chided him.
"I'm perfectly calm," Kon said calmly.
"Missile launch ready in four minutes," Ol said helpfully.
"We have orders in hand to make a preemptive launch. Every second we wait risks their silos could be empty because they've already flown their missiles at our colony worlds and starbases. It's dumb as fuck to hit empty missile silos with nuclear weapons. Now, we both know orders without authentication are no orders at all. That's the number one rule. You've been trained on that rule, time and time again. It's the rule we live by without exception," Mon told him.
"Imperial Command knows which sector we're in. When they see we haven't launched our missiles, they'll give the order to someone else," Kon said.
"And take all the glory away from us? Fuck that," Mon rejected.
"It's our duty not to launch until we can confirm," Kon said.
"You presume there are other submarines ready to launch. I must assume those drone crews or weak-ass human crews could have been taken out by Suiji subs. We can play these games all day, but, as an Insane, I don't have the luxury of passing by the first strike in a galactic war," Mon said bluntly. "We have Insane rules that are not open to interpretation. Your Kryptonian intuition, gut feelings, and hairs on the back of your balls have no place here. Our orders come from Imperial Command, and they contain no ambiguity."
"That same Kryptonian intuition and gut feeling you just dismissed is the very same that comes from Imperial Command," Kon said, referring to Kara.
"That's where you're wrong, kid. I'm Imperial Command, and this is my boat. I've made my decision. Now, shut the fuck up and let me do my job!" Mon said impatiently.
The other Insane officers eyed the two of them with WTF expressions. "Launch when ready," Mon said to Ol.
Kon gave a flustered look as the wheels in his brain turned. He glanced at the Insane crew, wondering if he was being tested. "I do not concur. Our target package could have been changed. We don't know what the fuck this message is."
"Repeat the order, or I'll find someone who will," Mon threatened.
"The fuck you will, Sir," Kon refused, staring his father down.
"You're relieved," Mon told him off. "Barney, remove my son from the bridge."
"I do not recognize your authority to relieve me of my command under Imperial Navy regulations. You can get fucked," Kon said assertively.
"Barney, put this little shit under arrest," Mon ordered.
"No nuclear missiles can be launched unless we both agree. I do not agree. Fuck yourself!" Kon shouted. The two argued back and forth with petty insults as the Insane bridge crew watched.
"Arrest this hybrid bastard child on the charge of mutiny," Mon ordered Brainiac 5.
"Sir, we cannot launch unless the XO concurs," Brainiac 5 said simply.
"We have been ordered to launch our missiles. They're fueling their missiles right now. We don't have time to fuck around," Mon said to Kon.
"I think you need to take a nap," Kon said condescendingly.
"Oh, you, motherfucker. I'll launch with or without you," Mon threatened.
"Captain, I relieve you of command of this ship. Barney, escort the captain to his stateroom. I'm assuming command," Kon said boldly.
"You're not assuming anything. You think you can make an ass of me and you, huh?" Mon asked rhetorically.
"Chief of the Boat, Prince Mon-El, Captain of the Crimson Fucker, is under arrest. Lock him in his stateroom," Kon ordered Brainiac 5.
"You're fucking high if you think you can contain me in my stateroom or that my Insane bridge crew would allow for that," Mon smirked.
"If you don't cooperate with the Chief of the Boat, I'll blow up the ship," Kon smiled with a crazy-eyed expression.
"The fuck?" Mon wondered.
"You heard me. I can survive in space. No one else can," Kon said confidently.
"I have instant transmission," Mon reminded him.
"But your ship will be gone, your missiles will be gone, your Insane officers will be gone, and your crew will be gone," Kon threatened.
"Even if you can survive in space, it will be a long trip to get to any planet capable of warp travel," Mon reminded him.
"And I don't give a fuck," Kon replied.
"You think this is the most Insane course of action? I'm trying to start a nuclear war. What's more Insane than that?" Mon challenged.
"This is," Kon said wide-eyed as he formed an energy sphere on his hand, ready to blow up the ship.
Mon eyed his Insane bridge crew and back to Kon holding a lethal as fuck energy sphere on his hand. "After this over, I'm going to beat your ass for this," Mon promised.
"Don't threaten me with a good time," Kon mocked.
"Your way out of your league, Kon," Mon said as he was escorted off the bridge by Brainiac 5 to his stateroom.
Kon then dissipated the energy sphere on his hand.
After an awkward silence, Kon addressed the Insane officers on the bridge. "If anyone here disagrees with what I've done, you can relieve yourselves and be replaced by humans. I don't give a fuck."
The Insane bridge crew said nothing to that. "Well, okay then," Kon smirked and then took the mic. "This is your new captain speaking. I've overthrown my father according to Insane custom. We will delay the missile launch, maintain our current readiness, and wait for missile confirmation from Imperial Command. Remain at battle stations. If anyone should try to overthrow me, I will blow up this boat with all of you on it."
Kon then turned to Brainiac 5, who was now back on the bridge. "I thank you."
"I'm not on your side, Kon. I side with life, the pursuit of knowledge, and Imperial regulation which I wrote. Replacing you was improper, so I sided with you," Brainiac 5 clarified.
"Nonetheless, I thank you anyway," Kon said, pleased. He then turned to Laurel. "Give me communications."
"Holy shit, they're right on top of us. Suiji attack sub headed toward us," Laurel said as the sub suddenly appeared on her screen.
"Range?" Kon asked.
"Six hundred kilometers," Laurel said. "Shit, torpedoes launched."
"Maximum impulse, turn left," Kon ordered.
"Should we fire back?" Ol tested.
"We're too close. The torpedoes need time to arm," Kon dismissed. "Get me to one thousand kilometers."
"Torpedoes, one hundred fifty kilometers and closing fast," Laurel reported.
"Launch countermeasures," Kon ordered.
The torpedoes deviated slightly as they became attracted to the countermeasures. They barely missed the Crimson Fucker and went past her. "They missed," Laurel reported.
"Do you have a firing solution?" Kon asked Ol.
"We're good," Ol nodded.
"Fire," Kon ordered.
The Crimson Fucker fired two torpedoes at the Dominator sub. The torpedoes were right on target and blasted apart the Dominator sub. The Crimson Fucker crew cheered wildly as they got the kill.
"One torpedo headed towards us. They must have gotten a shot off before they were hit," Laurel reported.
"Well...shit. Let's turn right this time," Kon ordered. "Expand our cloak."
"Cloaking to 400 meters," Brainiac 5 nodded.
Despite the cloak and counter measures, the torpedo exploded near the Crimson Fucker causing damage to the stern. The whole ship shook violently from the impact, and a few decks were breached. Air was sucked out of these compartments stunning the human crew members. Other human crew members put on spacesuits to try to rescue those already passed out.
"Damage report," Kon ordered.
"Forcefields are down, automatic sealers are down, engines are down," Brainiac 5 reported.
"Make restoring the engines the priority," Kon ordered.
In the engine room, the human crewmen tried to restart the nuclear reactor. "Send men into the reactor and get me engine power," Kon ordered Brainiac 5.
"A Kryptonian could handle radiation a lot better than a human could," Ol tested.
"As would an Insane. You want to volunteer?" Kon asked, knowing what he was up to.
"Would you let me, Sir?" Ol asked.
"Everyone here is staying on the bridge," Kon said assertively.
"Radiation leak is spreading beyond the reactor," Brainiac 5 reported.
"Keep sending more men in there to fix it," Kon ordered.
The Crimson Fucker's engines suddenly ignited as the reactor came back online. "We have engine power," Brainiac 5 reported.
"Seal the reactor," Kon said quickly.
"There are men still inside the reactor. Rescue teams are prepping," Brainiac 5 said.
"No, seal the reactor," Kon ordered.
"Aye, reactor sealed," Brainiac 5 nodded.
Kon remained in the captain's chair, listening to every noise and every conversation on the ship with his super-hearing. He could hear Telos barging through the human guards and entering his father's stateroom. He could hear what they were planning next. Kon eyed his Insane bridge crew.
"Laurel, communications," Kon said impatiently.
"This fucking thing sucks," Laurel said as her console sparked.
"The only way we'll know if our orders were recalled or not is if you fix that radio. If you don't get this radio up, billions of people are going to die. I know it's a shitty deal. I know it's not Insane. Can you handle it?" Kon asked seriously.
"Aye, captain," Laurel nodded.
Kon then got closer to her, away from the others. "Here are the keys to the entire sub," he said, giving her his ID card. Laurel gave him a look of wonder. Suddenly, green lights turned on inside the bridge. Kon weakened and collapsed on the floor.
Mon, Telos, and a human security team barged into the bridge room with Kryptonite pistols and rifles. "Time to decide who you will stand with now," Mon said to his Insane officers. They all took a stand behind him, even Laurel. Only Brainiac 5 was on Kon's side.
Kon gave Laurel a sigh, looking betrayed. He got to his feet painfully. "Sir, engine power has been restored, radiation leak has been contained, all communications are still down."
"It never occurred to you that I always have Kryptonite emitters on every ship I command?" Mon asked disappointedly.
"Oh, I knew. I just didn't give a fuck," Kon smiled weakly.
Mon gave him an incredulous look and then slapped a Kryptonite band on his wrist. "Take my son and his robot toy away to the officer's mess hall," he ordered. Mon then focused on Brainiac 5. "Really?" he asked smirkingly.
As soon as Kon was gone, Mon started barking out orders. "Ol, missile control. Cloak bubble fifty meters. Return to your stations. Inform your men directly that the Prince of all Insane is in command. Laurel, give me the conn."
"Crew of the Crimson Fucker, the mutiny has been put down. We'll maintain security alert. On the absence of orders from Imperial Command, we will take the initiative to launch our missiles. We all know what this means: Galactic War, a nuclear exchange with the Dominion. It's what I have wished for ten long years. This preemptive strike will protect our empire, planet Earth. Dominator missiles will have a launch capability in 15 minutes. The use of nuclear weapons has been authorized."
"Confirm missile coordinates," Mon requested of Ol.
"Coordinates confirmed," Ol replied.
In the officers' mess hall, Kon had a chat with Brainiac 5. "Look, I did everything by the book. It's not a mutiny," Kon said defensively.
"I know," Brainiac 5 said calmly.
There was a long, awkward silence between them. "Alright, I admit it. I'm obviously not Insane material," Kon said bitterly.
"You rebelled against your father, the Prince of all Insane. You threatened to destroy the ship," Brainiac 5 reminded him. "Isn't that Insane to you?"
"It's not Insane enough. Nothing I do is Insane enough. God, I have to be at the level where I'm cool with nuclear holocaust on a galactic scale," Kon said, frustrated.
"And you're not?" Brainiac 5 assumed.
"No," Kon said softly. "I mean, if the entire Alpha and Beta Quadrant nukes itself into oblivion, who will be left for me to fuck with?"
"It's more than just that, isn't it?" Brainiac 5 pried.
"There's something about me, neither Insane nor Kryptonian. I've been around humans for so long. My mother has been around humans for so long. They've kind of rubbed off on me, and not just the sexual kind. I can sense the humans on the ship are not comfortable with this. I can hear them talk. I can hear their nervousness," Kon said.
Kon suddenly heard the human guard get dropped behind the door. Rivetti barged in, using Kon's key. "Where did you get that?" Kon asked.
"Lieutenant Laurel handed it to me," he said.
"I'm impressed, human," Kon said, pleased. "Let's go strip some guys."
"What the fuck?" Rivetti wondered.
Kon impersonated an enlisted sailor and gained the loyalty of most of the crew while the officers hung out mostly on the bridge.
On the bridge, Mon patiently waited to launch. "Bring down the cloak, open missile hatches. Six hatches opened on the hull of the sub.
"Weapons ready," Ol reported.
"Remove tactical firing trigger," Mon ordered. "God damn, so many damn procedures just to launch a Galactic war."
"Tactical firing trigger removed," Ol said.
The bridge door suddenly burst open as Kon, Brainiac 5, and two squads of human enlisted sailors entered the bridge with plasma rifles. The Insane bridge crew raised their hands, ready to defend their captain. "Guns, guns, guns," Mon said, amused.
Kon quickly punched Ol to the face, knocking him down, and took the missile key from the console. He then waved his wrist at Mon, showing the Kryptonite band was off his wrist. "The moment green lights turn on, you fry every console and everyone in this room," Kon ordered his sailors.
"Yes, Sir!" they all shouted.
"I don't need Kryptonite to beat your ass down," Mon said as he advanced toward Kon. He punched Kon in the face, stunning him. "Give me that missile key," he ordered.
Kon shook his head. Mon was about to beat Kon's ass when Laurel interrupted. "Communications restored," she announced.
"Imperial Command has three minutes. You have three minutes," Mon said to Kon. Mon then sat down in the captain's chair, took out a cigar, and lit it with his thumb. "Speaking of girls, ever get a good look at the Logano ones from Portugal in the 21st century?"
"What?" Kon asked incredulously.
"The most highly trained girls in the world. They're all white," Mon said conversationally.
"I know the girls you're talking about. They're actually from Spain, not Portugal. And they may look white, but they have African ancestry," Kon corrected.
"You're wrong. They're most definitely from Portugal." Mon said dismissively. "But I'll say this. Some of the things they do are beyond belief. Their training program is simplicity itself. You just stick something up their ass, and they'll deal you cards."
"I'm sorry, what the fuck are we talking about?" Kon wondered.
The Imperial Command transmission finally came in. "I got something," Laurel reported.
"God help you if you're wrong," Mon sneered at Kon.
"If I'm wrong, we're at war. God help us all," Kon replied.
"Got the message. It's authentic," she said wide-eyed.
"I concur," Dax seconded.
Kon then eyed the message. "It's authentic," he said finally.
Mon then eyed the message as well. "Authentic," he smirked. "Terminate missile launch," he ordered. "Now, get the fuck off my bridge," he said gruffly to the human enlisted sailors. "Kon, you have the conn," he said and then casually went to his stateroom.
Kon gave an awkward look to all the Insane bridge crew officers. He finally took the captain's chair, regained his confidence, and began giving orders to take the Crimson Fucker back to Earth.
On Earth, Mon and Kon faced a panel of Kara, Brainiac 5, and Saora at the Imperial Navy HQ base in Hawaii. "Now, I have gathered all the personnel accounts from the Crimson Fucker, including what your father has told me. Wow, what a fuck up," Kara said, amused. "I'm going to make my decision on your future accordingly."
"Without my testimony?" Kon protested.
"You have a problem with that?" Kara asked.
"I might," Kon said, obviously.
"I've known your father for over ten years now. I know when he's telling the truth and when he's lying," Kara said.
"Bullshit," Mon rolled his eyes.
"My primary concern for you, Kon, is that your whole life, you've given me the impression you're a total psycho, devoid of any empathy or morals. You have no values, no principles, and no moral priorities. You just do whatever the fuck you want for funsies and try to avoid getting caught. In this situation, I fully expected you to be onboard with the decision to launch those missiles," Kara began.
"But...you surprised me, Kon. You refused to go along with it; you disobeyed your father's direct orders and committed a mutiny. If this were real, you would have saved billions of lives. You would have been a real hero," Kara concluded.
"If...it were real?" Kon asked, confused.
"The Dominators are invading Khund Space. They are killing, raping, and pillaging Khund colony worlds, I have an understanding with the Dominion. We give them the fuel they need, and they leave us alone. Those ICBMs never targeted our outposts and starbases. They were never fueled. They don't exist. The missiles on the Crimson Fucker do not exist," Kara revealed.
"But I destroyed one of their subs," Kon said, confused.
"That was a rogue rebel sub that the Dominion asked me, personally, to destroy to prevent a galactic incident. That was your real mission," Kara explained. "So, you two were both right, sort of. Kudos. Kon, your actions were consistent with the Imperial Navy's best traditions and in my interests. As such, I'm recommending, and in no small part on your father's recommendation, that you be given your next command at the earliest convenience. Unless, of course, you want to be a little shit and challenge these recommendations."
"No," Kon shook his head.
"Dismissed." Kara smiled, pleased and relieved for her son.
Mon and Kon met up outside HQ. "Thanks, I guess. I'm having some serious trust issues at the moment," Kon said awkwardly.
"You were right; I was wrong. The Logano girls are from Spain, not Portugal," Mon admitted and then walked off like a boss.
Kon gave a WTF look but quickly recovered. Saora then joined him. "Sounds like you had fun. Next time, I want to join you," she said.
"Mutiny is in your blood," Kon said concernedly.
"It is," Saora smiled flirtatiously.
"You can be my XO anytime," Kon said and gave her a kiss.
Author's Notes: After Gene Hackman's (Lex Luthor) passing, I knew I had to write this chapter. I might have given the impression that Kon was an irredeemable snot over these many seasons, but I hope this chapter gives hope of redemption for him, sort of. If I had any criticism of this film, it is that the players reveal their cards too soon and too obviously in the beginning. Here, I wanted to make it uncertain what Kon would do next and whether Mon was truly going nuts here. This season, the Dominion is going to get more screen time. Kudos to you if you caught the twist early.