Konoha In Despair: I

Naruto came home after the Snow Country mission, dragging her tired feet up the stairs to her tiny apartment. The mission had been a whirlwind of bizarre events, emotional rollercoasters, and, of course, Naruto accidentally being declared the "cutest actress in the Elemental Nations." Honestly, she just wanted to flop onto her bed and maybe admire her dying cactus in peace.

But the moment she opened the door, Naruto froze.

Her apartment… was a war zone.

The floor was littered with ramen cups, socks, and some kind of sticky substance Naruto didn't even want to identify. Her bed looked like it had been through a hurricane and lost. A kunai was sticking out of the wall next to a poorly-drawn picture of Sasuke (which looked suspiciously like it had darts thrown at it).

But worst of all—the true betrayal—her cactus, Sir Prickles, was drooping dramatically in its pot, barely clinging to life.

And sitting in the middle of this chaos, as if she had no care in the world, was Karin Uzumaki, Naruto's distant cousin. Or as Naruto now thought of her: traitor extraordinaire.

Karin didn't even notice Naruto at first. She was sprawled out on Naruto's couch, completely absorbed in a book. Naruto squinted at the title. "Rent-A-Girlfriend with Make-Out Tactics by Jiraiya the Gallant."

Naruto blinked.

Karin, sensing the impending doom, finally looked up. Her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "O-Oh! Naruto! You're back early!" she stammered, slamming the book shut and chucking it behind the couch. "I-I was just… uh… doing some deep research on... um... cleaning tactics?"

Naruto tilted her head, her expression blank, as if trying to process the sheer level of nonsense Karin was spewing. Then, slowly, a grin stretched across her face—a grin so wide and creepy that Karin actually flinched.

Karin gulped. "H-Hey, now, Naruto. Let's not do anything drastic. We're family, remember? Cousins! Blood is thicker than water and all that?"

Naruto stepped inside, closing the door behind her with an ominous click. "Oh, Karin," she began sweetly, her voice practically dripping with mock sincerity. "Naruto is impressed. Truly impressed."

Karin blinked. "...Huh?"

Naruto gestured around the room with robotic precision, her voice still unnervingly calm. "The way you've turned Naruto's humble apartment into a landfill is truly an art form. The creativity it must've taken to scatter ramen cups and socks in such a chaotic yet balanced manner? It's inspiring. Dattebayo."

Karin's face turned red. "I-I can explain—"

But Naruto wasn't done. She moved over to Sir Prickles, crouching down dramatically to examine the nearly-dead cactus. "And Sir Prickles," she whispered, her voice trembling with fake emotion. "He's barely clinging to life. Naruto didn't know it was possible to emotionally damage a plant, but here we are." She stood up, spinning to face Karin with a sharp motion. "Karin, you've outdone yourself."

Karin's brain was short-circuiting. "N-Naruto, I swear, I was gonna water it! I just—uh—I didn't know how much cactuses drink!"

Naruto nodded sagely, her face the picture of faux understanding. "Of course, of course. Watering a cactus is so much harder than reading Rent-A-Girlfriend with Make-Out Tactics. Truly, Naruto understands your priorities. Dattebayo."

Karin's face was now somewhere between horrified and mortified. "T-That book was just—! It's not mine! Someone left it here! I was just—uh—cleaning it!"

Naruto took a step closer, her grin widening. "Oh, and the bed!" she exclaimed, pointing at the unmade disaster. "Naruto has never seen such an innovative interpretation of a 'cleaning job.' The way you've managed to make it look like an explosion site? It's a skill. A gift, really."

Karin's hands flew to her hair. "N-Naruto, please, I was gonna clean it! I just got distracted!"

Naruto gasped, placing a hand over her chest as if she'd been deeply touched. "Distracted? Oh, Karin, the way you so selflessly prioritized your reading over Naruto's humble living space—it's truly heartwarming. Naruto could weep."

Karin, now on the verge of a full-blown meltdown, dropped to her knees. "Please! I get it! I messed up! Just stop!"

Naruto tilted her head, her creepy grin softening into an almost angelic expression. "Naruto should stop?" she asked innocently, blinking down at Karin.

"Yes! Please! I'm begging you!" Karin wailed, clasping her hands together in desperation.

Naruto nodded robotically. "If you want so," she said, her voice monotone as she patted Karin's head stiffly, like a teacher forgiving a misbehaving student.

Karin let out a shaky sigh of relief, muttering, "Thank the Sage..."

Naruto turned away, surveying the mess once more. "But really, Karin," she added over her shoulder, "Naruto is curious. How do you sleep at night, knowing you've turned Naruto's home into a disaster zone and nearly killed Sir Prickles?"

Karin let out a strangled groan, collapsing face-first onto the floor in utter defeat. "I'll clean it! I'll clean everything! Just stop talking!"

Naruto blinked. "But Naruto thought Karin wanted her to stop?"

Karin screamed into the floor.

Û~Û

Kakashi stood before the Hokage's desk, hands in his pockets, his posture as casual as ever. But even for him, there was a noticeable weight to his words. Tsunade raised an eyebrow, her fingers steepled as she leaned back, waiting for the full debrief.

"Well, Hokage-sama," Kakashi began, "the mission to the Snow Country was... eventful."

Tsunade immediately caught the undertone and sighed, rubbing her temples. "What did they blow up this time?"

He chuckled awkwardly. "Not blown up. Melted, mostly."

Her eyes narrowed. "Explain."

Kakashi took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for what was bound to sound insane, even by Team 7's standards. "Doto Kazahana, the self-proclaimed ruler of the Snow Country, ambushed us. He used Snow Shinobi to attack and aimed to retrieve the Hex Crystal, which he claimed was the key to some secret treasure. Naturally, we fought back."

"Let me guess—Naruto charged in without thinking?" Tsunade deadpanned.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Actually, it was pretty standard chaos... at first. But then things got complicated. Sasori of the Red Sand was there."

"Sasori?!" Tsunade's voice shot up. "What was he doing there?"

"Apparently hired as insurance by Doto," Kakashi explained. "Long story short, he was more interested in testing his puppets on us than actually helping Doto. Things escalated quickly. Sasori… well, he killed Naruto."

Tsunade froze, her amber eyes wide. "Killed?"

Kakashi nodded grimly. "Beheaded her. Right in front of us."

Silence fell over the room, thick and suffocating. Tsunade's hand clenched the edge of her desk. "And yet you're telling me this with her alive and probably off somewhere causing trouble. What aren't you saying?"

"Well, here's where things get... strange." Kakashi paused, choosing his words carefully. "Sasuke's Sharingan evolved into the Mangekyo after witnessing Naruto's death. Understandable, given the circumstances. But then... Naruto came back."

"Came back?" Tsunade repeated, her tone sharp. "Explain."

"She… reattached herself," Kakashi said, as though that made any sense. "Her head. Her body. It was like nothing had happened. Only—"

"Only what?"

"She's… different now." Kakashi's visible eye shifted, betraying a hint of discomfort. "Instead of her usual overconfidence and criticism, she now praises everything. Everything. And it's unsettling. She speaks in the third person most of the time—'Naruto thinks this, Naruto feels that.' Occasionally, she slips and says 'me,' but it's rare."

Tsunade stared at him, trying to process this. "So, she's alive but… weird."

"Weirder than usual," Kakashi corrected. "She killed Sasori, melted the entirety of the Snow Country's frozen terrain, and accidentally turned it into a paradise of blooming flowers and rivers. Then, by sheer coincidence, she became the star of Yukie Kazahana's latest movie, which was apparently a massive hit. She's now being hailed as the 'cutest actress in the Elemental Nations.'"

Tsunade groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Of course she is."

"Oh, and McPhoenix David—the eccentric director—wants to cast her as the protagonist in his next film," Kakashi added, as if it were the cherry on top of the madness sundae.

"Anything else?" Tsunade muttered through her fingers.

"Yes, actually," Kakashi said, his voice growing more serious. "Yukie Kazahana is now officially the Queen of the Snow Country, thanks to Naruto's... 'help.' The Hex Crystal wasn't treasure—it was a key to activating an ancient machine that terraformed the land. That's what caused the whole melting-flower-blooming incident."

Tsunade's head shot up. "And where's Rock Lee in all of this? He was on this mission, wasn't he?"

Kakashi coughed into his hand. "Ah, yes. We… may have forgotten about him."

"What?!"

"In our defense, the transformation of the Snow Country and Naruto's resurrection were pretty distracting," Kakashi said, holding up his hands. "It took us three extra days to realize we'd left him behind. We found him training amidst the flowers, wondering where everyone went."

Tsunade stared at him, utterly incredulous. "You left Lee in the Snow Country for three days?!"

Kakashi shrugged helplessly. "He was fine. A bit confused, but otherwise fine."

"And you're calling this mission a success?" Tsunade asked, her voice dripping with disbelief.

"Technically, it was," Kakashi said with a small smile. "Doto Kazahana is defeated. The Snow Country is thriving. Yukie is queen. Sasuke unlocked the Mangekyo Sharingan. Sakura learned a lot about field medicine. And Naruto... well, Naruto came back from the dead."

Tsunade sighed deeply, slumping back in her chair. "This team is going to kill me one day."

Kakashi chuckled softly. "It does keep things interesting."

She glared at him. "Get out."

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Kakashi gave a lazy salute and turned to leave.

"And Kakashi," Tsunade called after him, her tone warning.

He paused, looking over his shoulder. "Yes?"

"Next time, try not to leave anyone behind."

Û~Û

The morning sun streamed into Naruto's window, highlighting the chaos of her still-messy apartment. She had managed to save Sir Prickles with a generous amount of water and a stern lecture, but the rest of the place? A lost cause. Karin had promised to clean it, but conveniently "remembered" she had to leave town for a "mission" before even picking up a sock.

Naruto yawned, scratching her head as she shuffled to the door. Her synthetic body didn't need much sleep, but it still felt nice to pretend she was normal. Or as normal as a synthetic shinobi could be. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt with "Foxy and Fabulous" printed on the front and a pair of toad-patterned boxers. Truly a fashion statement.

A knock on the door snapped her out of her daze. She peeked through the peephole suspiciously. It was the milkman. She opened the door just as he was about to knock again, causing him to flinch.

"Delivery for Uzumaki Naruto!" he chirped, holding up two bottles of milk like they were trophies.

Naruto blinked at him, still half-asleep. "Milk? Dattebayo?"

The milkman nodded enthusiastically, his white uniform practically glowing in the sunlight. "Fresh from the farm! Creamy, nutritious, and guaranteed to make your bones strong!" He flexed dramatically, striking a pose.

Naruto tilted her head, her expression blank. "Naruto's bones are made of sage wood. Does it work on that?"

The milkman froze mid-pose, his smile faltering. "Uh… I-I don't know? Maybe? It's milk! It's good for everyone!" He thrust the bottles toward her like they were holy relics.

Naruto took them cautiously, holding one up to her face and squinting at it. "Naruto doesn't trust things in bottles. They might explode."

The milkman's eyes widened in panic. "E-Explode?! It's just milk!"

Naruto sniffed the bottle suspiciously. "Naruto will be the judge of that."

She uncapped one and took a small sip. Her eyes immediately lit up. "It's sweet!" she exclaimed, her robotic tone breaking slightly. She took another sip, and then another, chugging half the bottle in one go.

The milkman watched in awe. "You like it, huh? Told you it was the best in town!"

Naruto wiped her mouth with her sleeve, grinning. "Naruto approves! Milk is good for growing strong—dattebayo!" She flexed her arms, which still looked as scrawny as ever, but her enthusiasm was undeniable.

The milkman chuckled nervously. "Glad you like it! Uh… would you like to set up a regular delivery?"

Naruto blinked, tilting her head like a confused puppy. "Regular? Like every day?"

"Exactly!" the milkman said, his salesman mode activating. "Imagine waking up every morning to fresh, delicious milk right at your doorstep! No more running out, no more late-night store trips. It's convenient and healthy!"

Naruto frowned, deep in thought. "But what if Naruto forgets it's there and it goes bad? Then Naruto will be sad. And Sir Prickles might get jealous."

The milkman blinked. "Uh… Sir Prickles?"

Naruto pointed toward her cactus, now sitting proudly on the windowsill, looking slightly less miserable. "Naruto's cactus. He's been through a lot."

The milkman opened his mouth to respond but thought better of it. "Well, uh, just let me know if you change your mind! Enjoy the milk!" He turned to leave, but Naruto's voice stopped him.

"Wait!"

He turned back, expecting another odd question. Instead, Naruto handed him one of the milk bottles. "For Sir Prickles," she said seriously. "He deserves some too."

The milkman stared at her, then at the cactus, and back at her. "...Right. Of course. Plants love milk. Totally a thing."

Naruto nodded solemnly, as if they'd just shared a profound secret. "Thank you, milk guy. You're doing important work."

The milkman gave a shaky thumbs-up and hurried away, muttering something about needing a vacation.

Naruto watched him go, then turned to Sir Prickles, holding the remaining milk bottle up like a toast. "Here's to you, buddy. Let's get stronger together. Dattebayo."

Sir Prickles, as always, said nothing. But Naruto could've sworn he looked a little perkier.

Û~Û

Naruto sat on the couch, her posture unnaturally straight, her hands neatly folded in her lap. Her glowing jade eyes were fixed on Karin, who was scrubbing the floor with the determination of someone trying to scrub away her own existence. Naruto's head tilted slightly, her expression calm but unsettlingly focused.

"Karin," Naruto said, her voice stiff yet disturbingly enthusiastic. "The way you clean this floor—impressive. The uneven strokes, the lack of precision… it is unique. Truly, a performance that challenges the very concept of order and efficiency. Naruto is… impressed."

Karin froze mid-scrub, her back stiffening. She slowly looked over her shoulder at Naruto, her face a mix of exhaustion and mild terror. "Uh, thanks?" she mumbled, unsure if she was being complimented or insulted.

Naruto continued, her tone unwavering, her words precise. "Your work reflects a bold disregard for convention. The streaks you leave behind are… inspiring. They tell a story of chaos and imperfection. Naruto acknowledges your effort. Few would dare to achieve such results."

Karin's hands trembled as she gripped the rag tighter. "I'm just… cleaning the floor…"

"Cleaning?" Naruto repeated, as if testing the word. "No. This is not cleaning. This is… art. An unrefined masterpiece. Naruto sees greatness in your actions."

Karin's mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air. The rag slipped from her hand as she sat back on her heels, blinking at Naruto. "I… uh… thanks?" she croaked, her brain struggling to process the relentless praise.

Before Karin could collect herself, the door swung open, and Sakura stepped inside, holding a small book in her hand. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes widening as she took in the scene. Karin was on the floor, looking like she'd aged a decade, while Naruto sat on the couch like a regal overseer.

"What's going on here?" Sakura asked, her brow furrowing.

Naruto's head turned toward her, the movement precise and almost mechanical. "Sakura. Karin is demonstrating her unparalleled skill in floor maintenance. Naruto is impressed by her lack of organization and disregard for conventional cleaning techniques."

Karin let out a weak laugh, her glasses slipping down her nose. "I'm thriving," she muttered, her voice flat. "This is great. I love it."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "You… love it?"

Karin nodded stiffly. "Uh-huh. Totally. Cleaning floors for Naruto. Best thing ever."

Naruto nodded slowly, her tone as even as ever. "Karin's commitment is admirable. Her humility in acknowledging her imperfections is… commendable. Naruto appreciates her efforts."

Karin let out a strangled noise, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and went back to scrubbing, her movements jerky and desperate. Sakura blinked, clearly unsure whether to intervene or leave.

Deciding to change the subject, Sakura held up the book she was carrying. "Naruto, I found this in your closet. I think you need it."

Naruto's gaze shifted to the book with unnerving focus. "What is it?" she asked, her tone neutral but tinged with curiosity.

Sakura handed it to her. The title read, Etiquette for Morons.

Naruto took the book, her movements deliberate, and stared at the cover for a moment. "Naruto acknowledges the intent behind this gift," she said, her tone unwavering. "Sakura believes Naruto requires refinement. Naruto appreciates the feedback."

Sakura blinked. "Uh… you're welcome?"

Naruto hugged the book to her chest, her expression unchanging but somehow serene. "This book will be… useful. Naruto will study it thoroughly. Sakura's thoughtfulness is… appreciated."

Sakura stared at her, unsure if she was being thanked or subtly mocked. "Right… well… glad you like it."

Naruto nodded, her posture still stiff. "Naruto is grateful."

Karin, still scrubbing, let out a groan and collapsed onto the floor, muttering incoherently. "Make it stop… please…"

Naruto tilted her head. "Karin wishes for Naruto to stop praising her?" she asked, her tone flat but strangely innocent. "Naruto will comply."

Karin let out a sigh of relief, her body going limp as she lay face-down on the floor. "Thank you…"

Sakura looked at Karin, then at Naruto. "You're… different. I'm not sure I like this version of you."

Naruto turned her head toward Sakura, her expression blank but her tone enthusiastic. "Naruto acknowledges the critique. Improvement is… necessary."

Sakura shook her head. "This is worse than before. At least you were predictable back then."

Naruto tilted her head again, her eyes glowing faintly. "Naruto is evolving. Change is inevitable. Appreciation for the present is… encouraged."

Sakura groaned. "I need a drink."

Û~Û

Minato blinked again, trying to wrap his head around the situation. This was beyond bizarre, even by shinobi standards. Standing before him was a perfect replica of Naruto—well, almost perfect. This girl had the same snow-white bob-cut hair, the same glowing sapphire eyes, and the same black frilly dress, but there was something unnervingly cold about her. Her expression was blank, her movements precise yet mechanical.

And she had just introduced herself as Bitch.

"Alright," he said slowly, running a hand through his hair. "So, uh, 'Bitch,' was it?"

"Correct," the girl confirmed, her voice devoid of emotion. "You may refer to me as Bitch. Dattebayo."

Minato winced at the monotone delivery of Naruto's iconic verbal tic. "Right. So, you're saying we're inside Naruto's... CPU?"

"Indeed," Bitch replied, gesturing to their surroundings. The space around them was an endless expanse of glowing circuitry and pulsating light, a strange blend of mechanical and organic aesthetics. "Specifically, we are within 2B's core processing unit. On your left is the Emotional Analysis Subroutine, currently inoperable. On your right is the Logic Unit, Mathematical Unit, and Strategic Calculations Interface."

"Uh-huh," Minato muttered, nodding as though he understood any of that. "And Naruto—or 2B, as you're calling her—is malfunctioning?"

"Affirmative. Due to technical errors, 2B is currently unable to process reality clearly. The issue is compounded by interference from the Kyuubi's chakra, which is disrupting her core functions."

Minato frowned. "Wait, the Kyuubi is interfering? How's that possible?"

Bitch tilted her head slightly, as though considering how best to explain. "The Kyuubi's chakra acts as an invasive foreign entity within 2B's system. Its presence has caused a cascade of logical inconsistencies, rendering several key subroutines inoperative. If the issue is not resolved within three months, 2B will enter irreversible self-destruction mode."

Minato's stomach sank. "Self-destruction? You mean...?"

"Termination," Bitch clarified, her glowing eyes unblinking. "2B's existence will cease. Dattebayo."

"That's... not good," Minato said, swallowing hard. "So, what do we do?"

"We must repair 2B's core functions," Bitch replied. "To do so, we must traverse the CPU and access the Logic Unit. However, the Kyuubi's chakra has manifested as an obstruction within the CPU. Specifically, it has created a 'cell' within the system that must be bypassed."

Minato groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "So, let me get this straight. We have to go through some kind of... virtual Kyuubi prison to fix Naruto?"

"Affirmative," Bitch said. "The process will be challenging. It will require both technical expertise and a thorough understanding of foxing."

Minato blinked. "Foxing?"

"Yes," Bitch replied, her tone as clinical as ever. "The act of dealing with a fox. As the Fourth Hokage, you are uniquely qualified for this task. Your prior experience with the Kyuubi is well-documented."

Minato chuckled nervously. "Well, I've sealed it before, but I wouldn't call myself an expert in foxing."

"Your qualifications are sufficient," Bitch said, turning and gesturing for him to follow. "Now, let us proceed. Time is of the essence."

Minato sighed, falling into step behind her. "Alright, lead the way. But, uh, just out of curiosity... why do you call yourself Bitch?"

"It is a designation chosen for its brevity and accuracy," Bitch replied without missing a beat.

"Right," Minato muttered, deciding not to press the issue further. "This is going to be a long day."

Û~Û

Author Note:

To make it clear, Minato rebooted 2B, but not without making a few errors thanks to Naruto bugging him, thus Naruto was back…

And actually, the Hollow Rasengan was in the Forbidden Scroll in this AU, long ago, the Father of all the Shinobi had written something about this. But none could ever achieve this— not even him.

This arc is over. Which arc do you want next?

So, I took the admission test and yeah, I passed... but man, it wasn't enough. There were a ton of people who absolutely crushed it—scored way higher than me.

Guess that means no stethoscope hanging around my neck, no white coat dreams coming true. Not gonna lie, I'm not exactly sad… more like stuck in this heavy, depressing haze, y'know? Maybe that's why my recent updates have been kinda… meh? Feels like I'm running on empty.

But hey, life doesn't stop, right? Gotta figure out a new path. I'm a dreamer, after all—I'm built to keep moving forward, no matter how many times I stumble.

Anyway, drop your thoughts in the review section if you feel like it. Seriously, your words mean the world to me. They keep me going, writing faster, better, and with more heart.

Catch you next time!