Actually, I have considered to stop posting stories here since no one reads them or reacts anyway. So here another try because I just can't stop it. I hope you like it, please let me know what you think!
I don't own the characters or places!
The sun was hot and burning down on the city, making it nearly unbearable together with the humidity. Not many people could be found outside and even the market was almost empty at this time of the day. It would get better again later, when the sun was setting. Then, the people would return and it would be full on the streets.
Right now, however, only a few people were going their ways, most of them wearing large hats and long sleeves to protect themselves from the sun.
One man stood out from those others. Fair skin, blond hair. He was wearing linen pants and a simple blue shirt. His eyes couldn't be seen since they were hidden by sunglasses, but nevertheless, people avoided to look at him for too long. There was something strange about him. Almost threatening. Even if he was just doing some shopping, he almost screamed danger.
James Bond was fully aware of all the glances in his direction, but by now, he was used to it. He also didn't care. It was the same everywhere he went. The people kept looking at things they didn't understand or which were different. He represented both of those things here.
Ignoring the blazing heat, he climbed in his truck and made his way home. He'd been living here for over a year now and slowly, the place he'd bought at the coast was becoming just that for him. Home. Or at least something like that.
It took him half an hour and when he finally stepped into the building, he took off his sunglasses with a sigh. Sometimes, he nearly missed those rainy days in London. After being in the heat for so long, it wasn't as tempting anymore as it first had been. It seemed as if living in beautiful places could take away the magic far too fast.
He was about to unpack his bag when he noticed that something was off. One of the doors wasn't completely closed. And there was a smell in the air, nearly like perfume. He reached into one of the kitchen cupboards without thinking about it and pulled out a small gun. Then he began to search for the intruder.
An intruder who didn't even try to hide. He found her standing on the beach, looking at the water. She didn't turn around when James approached her slowly.
"A beautiful place you've chosen, James. It must be a dream to live here."
"It gets old far too soon." He replied simply and stopped next to her. Why was she here? Was this an attempt to get him back to MI6? By now, they should surely know that he wouldn't do it. Not again. Not after M. "What are you doing here, Moneypenny?"
When she finally turned to him, he noticed two things. She was paler than usual, looking very tired. And there was concern on her face. Her next words were burned into his memory forever. "They have Q, James. They've taken him and we can't find him. We need your help."
"He just vanished on Monday on his way home. As usual, he didn't take a car but the Tube. We had a look at the camera recordings, but whoever did it was very good. They must have known a spot the cameras couldn't reach. One moment he was there, but he never appeared within reach of the next recording."
"Where did that happen?" James asked without looking at her, too busy throwing his belongings in a bag.
"Leicester Square." She explained without hesitation. "The last thing I heard is that R has identified the spot, they wanted to send someone there."
James kept thinking about it for a few seconds. If Q had vanished on Monday, he was gone for nearly four days now. The idea made his stomach turn. "Do we know what they want? Has there been contact?"
"A message arrived shortly before I left London. They want information."
"So the usual." He muttered darkly.
"You should let me finish my sentences before just assuming things. They want information, yes. But not on our secrets." She stepped closer and James looked up at her. "They want you, James. That's the reason Q was taken."
They looked into each other's eyes for a few heartbeats, both completely silent. In the end, it was James who looked away first and sat down on the bed. It felt as if all his strength had left him. "Then this is my fault."
"We both know that's not true." After a moment of hesitation, Moneypenny sat down on the bed next to him and placed a hand on his arm. "It's the risk of our job. We know it. Q knows it."
"But they want information on me. If I'd been there –"
"It might have made no difference, James." Eve threw in. "Don't think of such things. Our priority now is to find him before they start hurting him."
He tried to calm down his heartbeat. It was strange, he'd lived through hundreds of dangerous situations. His loved ones had been in danger before. But it had never felt like this. "Who says that they didn't already do that?"
"They gave us three days when they made contact yesterday." She explained. "Which means that we have nearly two days left."
James breathed in deeply. "Then we should make them count."
"A jet is already waiting for us. There you can have a look at everything the others found out by now."
- Flashback – a few years earlier -
James Bond had never been into men. Of course he'd experimented in his youth and had to seduce a male target on missions once or twice, but it had never been anything serious. He'd only ever been attracted to women. Mostly deadly, intelligent women. He knew that his type was probably not the wisest choice, considering what those women could do to him, but he couldn't help it. It had always been like that and he'd thought that it would never change. Not even after Vesper's death.
A simple encounter in the National Gallery led to all his beliefs being questioned. It had just taken a short conversation with MI6's new Quartermaster. A Quartermaster who might be young, but also very smart and who knew exactly what he wanted. It wasn't every day that James Bond met someone who could impress him. But Q had managed it during a short conversation.
From that moment on, he kept impressing James over and over again. When he was scolding Double-Oh's for not bringing back their equipment. While he was guiding James on missions, revealing skills that he'd never seen before. Even when they were having some unimportant discussion about technology or politics or food or whatever else came to their minds over lunch.
James liked Q. It was as easy as that. Or at least that's what he thought at first.
It all changed one night, shortly before the events that led to M's death. James had arrived back at MI6 late in the evening after a long and exhausting mission in South America. Families had died. Children had died. And it had been James' fault because he hadn't been fast enough. It could have all been avoided, had he just been better.
He didn't expect anyone to meet him at Q Branch. Actually, he just wanted to drop the bag with the impossibly expensive Laptop Q had given him for the mission and be on his way back to his apartment again.
When he saw the Quartermaster waiting for him, however, he knew that his plan wouldn't work. Q had guided him on the mission, so he already knew what had happened. He'd witnessed it and didn't blame James for the deaths. It's not your fault, James, the Quartermaster had said. James. Not 007 or Bond. Simply James.
James noticed that Q looked just as tired as he felt. His hair was slightly ruffled, the only indication that the Quartermaster must have taken a nap during James' eight-hours flight back. There were still dark rings under his eyes, though.
"007, it's good to see you." Q greeted him warmly and with a smile James couldn't return.
He held up the bag. "I just wanted to stop by to put this here. It would be a shame if something happened to this on my way back to my flat."
Q's expression revealed nothing. "We could still say that it happened in Brazil." He took the bag from James and set it down on his desk without a second glance. "How are you feeling?"
They had conversations like this before when James stopped by to bring back his equipment. But never before had the Quartermaster sounded so serious. So… concerned.
James shrugged. "Nothing that lots of sleep can't fix."
"You saved lots of people there." Of course Q wouldn't fall for his evasions.
"Not everyone." He replied hoarsely.
Q shook his head. "No, not this time. But you did everything in your might to help those people."
He sighed, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. "It wasn't enough."
The younger man didn't stop looking at him through those stunning green eyes. "But that's the problem here, isn't it? You always think that you're not doing enough. That you are not enough." Slowly, he shook his head. "You're wrong, James."
"Just drop it, Q." He didn't want to have this discussion. Not with Q, of all people. And not now when he was still feeling emotionally raw.
"Fine, then let's go." He could only stare as Q shut his laptop and reached for a jacket that was dropped over a chair close by.
"You're leaving?" It was a stupid thing to ask, but right now, it was all James could muster.
"We're going to have dinner." Q replied as if it was the most simple thing in the world. "I won't let you go to that empty flat of yours and drink yourself into oblivion."
James stared at him, wondering if he'd passed out and this was all a dream. "Dinner. The two of us together."
Q smiled. "It's good to know that your hearing still works, 007." Without waiting for a reply, he headed towards the elevator. James could only follow him in silence.
Dinner with Q had been surprisingly relaxing. They conversed easily and James was glad that Q didn't mention the mission again. In fact, the Quartermaster told him stories from his own life. James wasn't sure when he'd last enjoyed talking to someone this much.
When he returned home that night, he didn't spare the alcohol in his cabinet a second glance. Instead, he directly went to sleep.
- Present -
"They know where he vanished now." Moneypenny said once they were on the plane. "There's a rarely used staff door which leads outside. They shortly appear on the cameras again. R is still working on finding out where they headed afterwards."
"That's good." James muttered, all the while trying to figure out who could want information about him badly enough to be so stupid to kidnap the Quartermaster of MI6. Unfortunately, too many people came to his mind. He began to shorten the list and tried to remember who of those people was still alive.
It wasn't easy and he soon gave up again. Instead, he tried to figure out a way to find Q. It seemed as if Q Branch was already doing everything they could under R's command. However, they could only do so much without knowing exactly what to look for.
"We've already been going through a list of your past missions." Moneypenny said after a while, nearly as if she could read his thoughts. "There are some candidates who could want you dead. We have people tracking them down."
He nodded slowly, not sure what to reply to that. He clenched his fists slowly, wondering what he might do if Q would not survive all this. Would not survive because of him.
Eve smiled sympathetically. "He missed you very much after you left."
That didn't make it any better.
- Flashback – shortly after M's death -
After the events that led to M's death, James was devastated. He knew that it had been his fault. He should have saved her. But he'd failed. And now she was dead and he had to live with the guilt.
During the long days after his return to London, he mostly hid in his apartment and ignored everything else. First, his phone rang nearly every hour. Then every two. The calls became less the longer he ignored them. After a few days, whoever was trying to reach him gave up entirely. He wondered if it was Mallory, M, how he was called now.
James knew that he should report back to MI6. See how the situation was there. Ask Mallory if there was a new mission for him to get his mind away from everything that happened. Maybe even find out when the funeral was planned.
He couldn't bring himself to leave his apartment.
After five days of locking himself in, there was a knock on the door.
He briefly wondered who it could be since all personal information about the Double-Oh's was highly classified. That was until the person on the other side of the door spoke. "James, it's me. Q. I just wanted to see how you are after everything that happened." A brief silence. If he didn't know any better, he would say that Q sounded nervous. A ridiculous thought. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I know how much she meant to you. It's just… I'm concerned about your well-being, I guess. We all are."
He could hear noises, as if something was placed on the floor in front of the door. "I brought you some food and other things you might like. Since you surely haven't left the flat for some time." Another silence. "I'm there if you need someone to talk. Just call me. Or write. Or stop by at Q Branch." It felt as if Q was hesitating. "Just don't disappear again, alright? You're not alone."
He felt a sudden urge to go to the door and open it. To look at Q and tell him that he didn't plan to run away once more. He'd considered it many times in the past days, but he knew that he couldn't go through with it. Not when London had truly started to feel like home in the past months. Ever since he met Q for the first time.
When he heard receding footsteps, he knew that his silence had lasted too long. "I'll see you at work, I suppose." Q said quietly and then he was gone.
James waited until he heard the front door close and only then did he look at what Q had left outside for him. It was indeed a bag filled with his favourite things. Some tea, bakery wares he usually liked to eat for breakfast and some takeaway from one of his favourite restaurants. He hadn't been aware that Q had paid so much attention to his eating habits.
He smiled to himself as he carried the things to the kitchen, suddenly realizing that he was indeed very hungry. And in need of a shower. Maybe also a shave.
He also knew that he would return to MI6 the next day.
After reporting back to M the following day, James made his way to Q Branch. He'd been told that his next mission would only start in a week, so he had some more time to recover. And go to the funeral, of course. Something he didn't really look forward to.
As usual, the clattering of many keyboards greeted him when he entered Q Branch. He spotted Q standing at his usual workplace, his eyes on a laptop, brow furrowed. Again, he wondered whether it was a good or bad thing that he hadn't opened the door the previous day.
The Quartermaster didn't look up as James approached, too focused on the screen in front of him. He seemed to sense that someone was close by, though. "Whatever it is, it has to wait." He said quietly, eyes not leaving the screen. "There's something I need to take care of, which requires at least some concentration." James knew that it was an understatement. The man in front of him could hack into the most difficult servers without so much as blinking. If he was looking like this, it had to be very important and also complicated.
He smiled to himself. "Then I'll just come back again later." He offered, already taking a step back again.
Q's eyes shot up to look at him, his expression changing to surprise. "James!" He exclaimed, work suddenly forgotten. "You're back."
"I am." He agreed. "But I don't want to distract you from your work, Q. I can just come back later."
For half a second, he thought to see panic in Q's eyes, but it was gone so fast that James might have also imagined it. "No, you don't need to leave. There's just this research I'm doing for 003's mission. She's in Columbia at the moment. I'll be done soon. We could have lunch together."
James nodded slowly. "Only if I'm not distracting you."
The Quartermaster rolled his eyes. "Sit down, 007."
With that, the discussion ended.
James was fully aware that all eyes were on them while they made their way to the elevator only fifteen minutes later. He'd visited Q quite a few times in the past months, but this was the first time after M's death. Surely, many rumours were spreading of the events. He tried not to think of it too much.
"They're curious to see you back here." Q said quietly, also noticing the not so well hidden stares. It didn't look like he cared about them. "Rumours were spreading that you were going to disappear again." He tried to say it lightly, but James could sense his uneasiness at that thought.
"I won't run away, Q." He replied seriously. "Not again."
He could feel the Quartermaster looking at him. "No one would blame you, though."
Once they were alone in the elevator and away from prying eyes for the moment, James fixed his eyes on Q. "I'm not running away again." He repeated simply. "It's… not easy. But I'm dealing with it."
"I'm sorry." Q said quietly, his voice thick with emotion. "She was a remarkable woman."
James nodded in agreement. "She was."
"I meant what I said yesterday." Q threw in, voice still quiet. "That I'm there if you need someone to talk. Or simply to listen."
He smiled at the other man. "Thank you, Q." James hesitated. "And thank you for stopping by." He wanted to say more. Add that Q had stopped him from spiraling even more. From falling into that dark pit again where he'd been after Vesper's death. But in this moment, the doors of the elevator opened and they stepped into a rather crowded hallway. James knew that their conversation about this topic was over for now.
On their way outside, they met Moneypenny. She was just on her way back to her office, carrying a bag from a bakery close by. When she saw James by Q's side, she grinned. "If that isn't James Bond. What a surprise to see you back with the living." She raised her eyebrows at Q. "What did you do to get that one out of his apartment?"
Q smiled back at her. "That, my dear Eve, is a secret between James and myself."
She glanced at him. "Already having secrets with out Quartermaster, 007?" Moneypenny asked suggestively, her eyes shining with mischief.
"Leave him alone, Moneypenny." Q threw in, his voice suddenly far more serious.
She dropped the happy facade as well, still smiling at James, but now much sadder than before. "I'm sorry about M, James."
He couldn't smile back at her anymore. "Me too."
"We're on our way to lunch." Q said quickly, changing the subject. "And we don't have much time, so we should be on our way." After a quick good-bye, he led James outside.
"Sorry about that." The Quartermaster muttered, looking rather unhappy now. "I'm sure she just wanted to cheer you up."
James glanced at the man next to him. Somehow, he didn't like to see Q in distress. "I didn't mind, Q." He tried to calm the other man. In fact, he preferred it to everyone treating him like he was fragile.
Q looked at him for a long moment. Apparently, he was satisfied with what he saw on James' face since he nodded. "Will you go to the funeral?" The question was spoken quietly, but not hesitantly. "I mean, of course you'll go. We all will." This time, he was obviously searching for the right words. "We could go together, if you want. But I would also understand if you prefer to be alone –"
"I would like that." James interrupted him, the thought of having Q by his side making the upcoming funeral seem far less intimidating.
The smile that appeared on Q's lips now made his eyes shine.
They didn't talk about these things anymore for the rest of the day. Which James spent at Q Branch, to everyone's surprise.
- Present -
In London, a car was already waiting for them at the airport. Tanner stood in front of it. "Good to see you back, Bond." He said, but his voice was tense.
James only nodded at him. "Tanner." He said and before he could get in the car, the other man handed him a folder.
"That's all the information we could gather until now." He said.
James took it and began to look through the papers as soon as they were on their way.
- Flashback – after the funeral -
They didn't speak as they made their way back to James' flat. He didn't need to ask Q to accompany him. Somehow, the other man already seemed to know that James didn't want to be alone on a day like this.
He had endured the funeral in silence and with a blank expression on his face. He wouldn't cry, not with all those people around. He was sure that M would have wanted him to be strong for her.
As soon as the door of his flat closed behind them and James began to search for some alcohol in a drawer, though, his hands started shaking. So badly, in fact, that he nearly missed the two glasses he had placed on the counter for the both of them.
"Let me do that." Q's calm voice said close by and then gentle hands took the bottle from him. But Q didn't pour them a drink. Instead, he carefully took hold of James' hands and squeezed them. "I'm here, James. You can just let it all out."
So he did. James didn't even think of it when he pulled Q closer and wrapped his arms around the younger man. Then he hid his face on Q's chest and began to cry.
"I don't mind." Q said later, when they were both sitting on the couch, glasses filled with whiskey in hand. "To see you like this. So stop that inner debate I can see in your eyes right here."
It was true, James had indeed been wondering if breaking down in front of Q had been a mistake. Not in that moment. It had felt good to have the other man close. But afterwards, he began to wonder whether it would change things between them. If Q wouldn't visit him again.
James smiled carefully and some tension left his shoulders. "Thank you, Q."
The Quartermaster shook his head. "Don't thank me. I want to be there for you, James."
He wanted the same, even if he didn't know how to voice that. All the people he ever let in died in the end. He didn't want that same fate for Q. But one look at Q's face told James that no words were needed. He understood how he felt anyway.
- Present -
"What do you already have, Bond?" M asked as soon as he followed Moneypenny inside his office. No greeting, no surprise on his face. Of course he knew that James would come back. As if he could not do it when it came to Q.
"Not as much as I'd like." He replied simply and began to list what they'd pieced together in the past hours. The people who had taken Q were good. More than good to make him disappear like that. The Tube station had been searched. Some traces that led outside to where a car had been waiting. No blood. No hints of a struggle. They had an idea of where they were headed, but it had been difficult to trace the car. Of course it had been parked outside camera range, so they had to guess which ones were likely.
"We think the people belong to a group of terrorists I took down two years ago." James finished and handed M the folder. "It seems like we missed a few people." And now they wanted revenge, he didn't add.
M looked at their notes for a few moments in silence. "Can we track them somehow?"
"R is already on it." James explained. "But maybe we shouldn't just try to find them. Maybe it would be better to take matters in our own hands."
"You mean an exchange?" M asked with raised eyebrows. He knew James well enough to guess what he'd been considering ever since Moneypenny mentioned that they wanted him and not Q.
He nodded. "To make sure that Q is safe."
"What about you, Bond?"
"He doesn't care about that." Moneypenny threw in. Until now, she'd listened to the conversation silently. "Not when it's about Q."
She was right about it, so he just remained silent when M turned to him and gave him a long look.
- Flashback – a few months after the funeral -
He wasn't entirely sure how it all started. When exactly they began to flirt with each other. Or when he decided that he didn't just want Q as a friend, but as something more.
Later, James thought that it had been a slow process. Him starting to feel more and more comfortable around Q. He wanted to be with the other man whenever possible, something he didn't feel in a long time. Q could make him laugh, which was something only few people had achieved in his life. In return, James tried to make him smile and laugh as often as possible. He enjoyed seeing Q happy. It was nearly like a drug, that feeling.
Their first kiss surprised James more than it did Q, he suspected. He'd just returned from a mission in South Africa after being gone for nearly three weeks. It had been dangerous and very close more than once. Q had guided him whenever possible and James had been grateful for that. Not that the other employees at Q Branch weren't competent, but it was nothing compared to the skill of their Quartermaster.
When he was finally on his way back to London, James had felt relief – and nerves about how his next encounter with Q would go. Because he'd disobeyed his orders (yes, orders this time and not just advice) once. It had saved a building full of people, but James had nearly lost his own life in return. Q had been furious over the comms and hadn't even said goodbye once James had reached the safe house.
As he walked into Q Branch nearly twenty-four hours later, the secret agent had expected many things. Maybe some yelling. Angry glares. Or Q simply ignoring him.
What he didn't expect, though, was Q dropping the gun he'd been working on, dragging James into his office and then kissing him fiercely. James had been frozen for half a second. Then his instincts took over and he kissed the other man back just as hungrily.
"Don't you dare do that again." Q said quietly when they pulled back, his eyes scanning James for injuries. Surely he'd already checked his vitals and knew about the gash on his side that needed stitching. So far, James had only bandaged it, wanting to see Q first before being locked in medical for hours. From what happened so far, it had been worth it. "You nearly died there, James."
As much as he wanted to reassure him, James decided that honesty would be the better choice. "It was the right thing to do."
For a moment, Q kept looking at him silently. Then he sighed and ran a hand through his curly hair. "Doesn't mean that I like it."
James took his hands in his. "I'll try to be more careful from now on." It was all he could promise. After all, being in danger was his job.
The short nod from Q told him that he understood. "Why aren't you in medical, by the way? Your vitals were horrible when you left Cape Town. And I think you're bleeding under your suit jacket." Now real concern showed on his face.
"I wanted to see you first." James smiled. "I don't regret it. But if it makes you feel better, I'll go and see a doctor now."
"Of course you need to see a doctor!" Q exclaimed and let go of James' hands. When he wanted to lean in and kiss the younger man once more, the Quartermaster looked at him sternly. "I'll only let you kiss me again once someone had a look at your injuries, 007!"
James had never walked faster towards the medical wing.
The next weeks, James and Q spent every free minute together. They had lunch together at work whenever James wasn't on a mission or Q didn't guide any of the other Double-Oh's. In the afternoon, James stopped by at Q Branch so they could drink a cup of tea. Sometimes, he also brought pastries from Q's favourite bakery. In the evening, they'd leave together. Most of the time they stayed at Q's place. It was far bigger than James' flat and also much more comfortable. Q also had cats and they didn't appreciate being left alone for too long.
In the beginning, they just kissed a lot. They also did some touching, but James tried to hold himself back and not take things further too fast. He wanted to do things right with Q. Take his time and really get to know the other man. Not just jump into bed with him and give Q the feeling that he was like everyone else.
One day about three months after their first kiss, James stepped into Q Branch to find only R and some of the other employees there. "If you're looking for Q, he's testing some weapons." R said and told him that he could find Q at the shooting range.
Curiously, James made his way there, only to find Q standing in front of a table with various guns. He currently wasn't wearing his hearing protection, so he noticed James approaching. "R told me where to find you." James said, eyeing the object Q currently held in his hands. "Is that a shotgun?"
The Quartermaster nodded. "For 006's next mission." He explained. "Most probably, he'll need to shoot from a wide distance."
"Why does Alec always get the big weapons?" James asked as Q gestured for him to also cover his ears.
"Because he always brings back his equipment, James." Q replied with a grin and then he began to shoot. Not just with the shotgun, but with two other guns as well.
James could only stare at him in silence. There had been rumours about Q being a good shooter. Mostly tales that were told to scare the Double-Oh's if they weren't behaving around the Quartermaster. But as James watched the younger man now, he realized that the stories had been true. Q wasn't just good, his aim was brilliant.
"Where did you learn to shoot like that?" He asked in amazement once they could hear each other again.
Q quirked an eyebrow. "Of what use would it be to design fancy weapons without knowing if they can really hit a target?"
"You're good, Q." He muttered, stepping closer to him. James felt a sudden surge of desire. It was always there when they were close, but right now, the feeling nearly got unbearable.
"That turns you on?" Q smiled slightly. "If I had known about it, I would have taken you to the shooting range weeks ago instead of those recruits."
James tried not to imagine Q in here surrounded by young men who were just learning how to properly use a weapon. He took another step towards him, now there were only inches separating them. "You don't have to show your skills in the shooting range to turn me on." He whispered into Q's ear. "But I have to admit that it is a sight to behold. All that lethal focus of yours aimed at a target. Even better than to see you with your laptop."
Q swallowed thickly. "Maybe we should get these weapons back to Q Branch and head home." He sounded breathless. And impatient, James realized with a smirk.
James gave him a quick kiss. "Then let's go. And I want to see the records of Alec with that shotgun later."
The comment made Q laugh. "You can't seriously be jealous that he gets a shotgun and you don't. It's not even practical on most missions. Besides, you got that walking stick which could shoot poisoned arrows last month."
"I looked ridiculous in that costume." James muttered and helped Q to pack his things.
- Present -
"Are you sure about this?" Moneypenny asked, looking at James with raised eyebrows. They'd just finished debating their plan with M, Tanner and R. The latter was just on her way back to Q Branch to make contact with the kidnappers. Instead of staying with M and Tanner, Eve had taken James aside, saying that they would get some food. However, instead of going out, she'd dragged him into the first empty room she could find.
James nodded slowly. "I can't lose him, Moneypenny." Not when it had already been so close the last time.
- Flashback – one year earlier -
The events with Spectre had been a blur. First the trip to Rome where he drove Q's beloved car into the Tiber. Then Austria, where he met Madeleine Swann. An intriguing woman, who seemed to be interested in him. But to whom James didn't feel any attraction in return. Ever since he and Q got together, James had lost interest in other people. He could never betray Q. He loved him too much for that, even if he'd never said the words so far.
Then came Morocco and the dangerous trip to Spectre's headquarter. Which was followed by their return to London, where Q had been taken. James had never been more afraid in his life than in the moment when Blofeld asked him about the Quartermaster. If he was sure about his whereabouts.
They made it out of the building only moments before it exploded. To Q's credit, he'd taken everything in with surprising calmness. The first thing he said once they were out of there was to ask about the algorithm he'd written to deactivate Nine-Eyes. He wanted to know if it had worked. Which it did, to their luck. There wouldn't have been another possibility to deal with the system without Q.
Q stayed by James' side while he hunted down Blofeld – and didn't kill him, to his own big surprise. Instead, James focused on the man next to him instead, again demanding to know if Q was alright.
It turned out that Q had a few bruises and was a little shaken, but otherwise, he was unharmed. And ready to jump back into their daily routine. Only two days after the explosion, he was already back at Q Branch, dealing with the other Double-Oh agents.
James was also back at work and hat lots of discussions with M. About Rome. Madeleine Swann. What was going to happen with Blofeld. He faked remorse about driving the car into the Tiber. He was glad that Madeleine would get a new life somewhere far away from everyone who knew her. He felt satisfaction that Blofeld would be locked up for life.
However, he was always only listening with one ear. He heard the words being said, but his mind was elsewhere. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Q in that abandoned building, tied to a chair. Surrounded by wires which would make the whole place blow up within minutes. It had been his fault. Q had only been in that position because of James.
It reminded him again why it was a bad idea to fall in love. Because everyone he loved died in the end. He'd thought that it would be different with Q. That his role as Quartermaster would somehow protect him. But it didn't and James' enemies had found him anyway.
He knew that he would do everything to protect the other man. Even if it meant to leave him.
Something James knew would be nearly impossible.
- Present -
"We successfully made contact." R announced, her eyes wandering to James. Instead of her usual calm, he saw concern there. For Q, who wasn't just her superior, but also her friend. "They are considering an exchange."
"Just like that?" Moneypenny asked with a frown. "They'll let Q go once they get James?"
R nodded. "It was our one requirement. The Quartermaster must be unharmed."
M, who had listened to the conversation in silence so far, turned to James. "Are you sure about this, 007?"
"I thought we agreed not to discuss this again hours ago." James muttered. "Of course I'm sure about it."
After another long look at him, M nodded. Then he turned to the last person in the room. "And you, 006?"
Alec had never looked more serious. "I'll get him out as soon as Q is safe." James was glad that he'd been around for this. There wasn't anyone else he trusted more with his life. Except for Q, of course.
"Then let's get over with it." M said.
- Flashback – a few days after the events with Spectre -
James tried to act normal around Q at first, while he was still debating with himself about what to do. If he was really strong enough to go on with his plan. The first few days, Q himself was too distracted to notice that something was bothering James. He had nightmares, though he refused to talk about them. He was also busy making sure that Nine-Eyes really didn't go online and delete all of it, so it might never happen. The few Double-Oh's who were currently in London showed up to see how he was doing, which he pretended to be annoyed about. Secretly, he was moved by the gestures, James was sure of that.
However, as soon as Q was back to his old self, there was a big disadvantage about being with one of the smartest people at MI6. Because on the evening of the third day, he took one look at James and immediately noticed that something was wrong.
"Something's bothering you." He noted when they were sitting on the couch together after a long day at work. James had a book in hand and Q was doing something on his tablet, which was probably work-related, though he would never admit it. He was leaning against James' side and he enjoyed feeling the warmth of the other man next to him.
James shook his head. "It's nothing. Still a little shaken by what happened. Nothing else." He pulled Q closer then and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Stop worrying." At first, he thought that Q would argue and demand answers, but to James' surprise, he accepted it without arguing.
It only worked for three more days. Days in which, to James' utter shame, a plan was beginning to form in his mind. A plan that was nearly too easy to go through with.
"Will you tell me what's going on now?" It was a Saturday afternoon and they were in the kitchen together, drinking tea. Or James was drinking tea, Q was staring at the cup in his hands. "You've been so silent these past days, James."
"Q…" He began, but hesitated, wondering what he could possibly say. It had been one of the things that bothered him in the days since their first conversation about this. Because how could he possibly explain that leaving would be for Q's safety? That James wasn't doing this because he didn't want to be with him, but because he wanted it too much?
Q placed the cup on the table and his eyes found James'. "There is something on your mind. I just can't tell what it is. What happened scared me as well, James. But now things are fine again."
"I know they are." He said quietly.
"So if it's not that, what is bothering you?" Suddenly, Q paled. "It's not about Madeleine Swann, is it? I know she liked you, James, and –"
The sudden fear in Q's eyes made James move and reach for Q's hands across the table. He squeezed them gently. "Alright, stop right there. I'm not interested in her, Q." He said calmly. "I would never leave you for anyone else." It was the truth. He wasn't planning to leave Q for someone. He was leaving to make sure he was safe.
The fear in Q's eyes vanished, but he was still tense, holding on to James' hands like a lifeline. "I wondered if you were going to run away with her." The admission was said quietly, but it made James' ears ring anyway.
"You thought…" He shook his head. "That is ridiculous, Q." He'd known that Q would have thought about everything. It had been obvious that he didn't believe James' explanation that the events had simply shaken him. So of course he would already have some theories.
"But you are planning to leave, aren't you?" Q's voice was even quieter now. If James hadn't paid attention already, he would have missed the question.
He nearly let go of the other man's hands in surprise. "Why would you think that?"
"I could list all the points now, but that would take time. And I need to know. Are you planning to go, James? The question has been driving me crazy for days now." And that's when he really noticed all the signs himself. How Q looked like an invisible weight was on his shoulders. How tired he looked. And scared.
He couldn't lie to him. Not now. "It's safer for you when I'm not around." He said quietly.
Q sank back on his chair as if James had punched him, letting go of his hands in the process. James was about to move and take his hands again, but stopped himself in the last moment. "You… You are… Why?!" The last word was filled with frustration. Hurt. Anger. Confusion.
James sighed. "Every person I care about gets hurt and dies. Just look at how close it was, Q."
"You saved me." Q pointed out. "You made it to me in time. I'm here because of you, James."
"Barely." He threw in. "Next time, we might not be so lucky. You were only in danger because of me, Q. It was Spectre's plan to get to me in the end."
Q's eyes narrowed. "I don't care if people use me for their own revenge. We'll deal with it together."
"I would prefer you not getting into such situations at all." James said. "I need you to be safe, Q." He didn't care that his voice sounded nearly pleading when he said the words. He needed Q to understand that he wasn't leaving because of him, but for him.
The reply came immediately. "Then stay to make sure of it." It nearly sounded like a challenge. One James couldn't accept. Not this time.
"I can't."
"You rather mean you won't." Q said slowly, realization dawning on his face that he couldn't change James' mind.
"It's for your own good, Q."
Q drew in a shaky breath. "But what about you? Who will take care of you wherever you're planning to go?"
James forced a smile to his lips. "I'll be fine as long as I know that you're safe."
Tears were already forming in Q's eyes, but he refused to let them fall. Instead, he kept staring at James. "There's nothing I can say to change your mind, can I?"
He shook his head. "I'll leave in the morning." Everything had been ready for days now. He just couldn't bring himself to go until now.
Q stood up abruptly then, the chair falling back with a crash. "I just…" He didn't finish his sentence. Instead, he turned around and ran up the stairs. His sobs echoed through the room and James just sat there, frozen in place. He knew that it was the right thing to do.
But why did it hurt so much then?
- Present -
Everything hurt. It felt like his body was on fire. Even breathing felt difficult, but James forced his eyes open anyway. As expected, he was in a hospital. The medical bay at MI6, he realized after a long moment. There was a beeping sound and he knew that it was his heartbeat.
There was also someone holding his hand, a steady pressure that felt somewhat reassuring. And familiar.
Turning his head hurt as well and he wondered if he'd lost consciousness again when he took in the person sitting next to his bed. Q was asleep in one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs. His hair was a mess, the glasses were askew on his nose and his clothes were crumpled. It looked like he'd been sitting in that chair for a long time.
Before James could look at him much longer and wonder what his presence here meant, though, he fell asleep once more.
The next time he woke up, he wasn't in pain anymore. So either he'd healed some more or they'd given him strong meds. And just like last time, someone was sitting on the chair next to his bed. It wasn't Q, though.
"You're an idiot." Alec said instead of greeting him and handed James a glass of water, which he accepted with a grateful nod.
"I just woke up and you're already insulting me." He muttered, voice still a little rough. "What did I do to deserve it?"
Alec sighed. "You left Q to keep him safe, breaking both your hearts in the process. Then, he gets kidnapped because of you anyway and here we are." He gave James a long look. "You nearly died."
"It certainly felt that way." But it would have been worth it, knowing that he had saved Q this way.
"You should stop doing that and rather focus on being with him. He freaked out once he realized what you'd done, James." His best friend looked serious. "Did you ever tell him that you love him? And consider what your death would do to him?"
He shook his head. "I couldn't, Alec."
Alec's expression softened a little. "Then maybe it's time to be honest with him." With that, he stood up and looked at someone on the other side of the bed.
When James turned around more slowly, he saw Q standing in the doorway, gripping a mug so tightly that his knuckles were white.
"Don't be too hard on him." Alec said to Q before he closed the door behind them.
They stared at each other in silence for far too long. In the end, it was James who spoke first. "How are you feeling?" He didn't get a chance to ask about that yet. The exchange had happened too fast.
Instead of answering right away, Q crossed the room and sat down on the chair. There were no visible signs that he'd been held captive for days. At least not with him wearing a long-sleeved shirt. He looked tired, though. "A few bruises. Nothing that won't heal. They treated me surprisingly well, considering the whole situation." He hesitated. "I heard that they only let me go because of you."
He swallowed. "I couldn't let you get hurt, Q."
The Quartermaster breathed in deeply. "Of course that makes you come back. After months of silence. You just left without telling anyone where you were going, all with the explanation that I would be safer without you around."
"You knew where I was." James said quietly. Moneypenny had told him that Q had never lost track of him, even if James had been very careful to show no sign of his whereabouts. But maybe not careful enough, a voice inside his head whispered. Maybe you wanted him to find you.
Q raised his eyebrows. "What do you think could I have done with that information? Stopped by to beg you to come back?" He shook his head. "You left, James. It was your own decision."
It hurt to have Q looking at him with fury in his eyes. "I did it so you could be safe."
"Safe? I think we can both agree that I wasn't safe, even with you gone. Your enemies found me anyway." There was so much bitterness in his voice.
"I'm sorry, Q." He said. "For everything."
"Don't." Q interrupted him. "Don't apologize. What's done is done." He ran a hand through his already messy hair. "I even get it now. Why you thought it was safer to be away from me."
This made James frown. "What do you mean?"
"The moment they told me about the exchange. What you had done to get me out." Q shook his head. "I was afraid, James. I know what it's like to worry for you, but this? Knowing that you were there because of me? It was like being tortured myself."
"I didn't have a choice. I had to do this." James threw in. "They wanted me anyway."
"You did exactly what they wanted." Q said.
James would have shrugged if he'd been sure that it wouldn't hurt like hell. "I would do anything for you."
Q opened his mouth as if he wanted to reply, but no words came out. He closed it again and stared at James for a long moment. "James…" He began once he found his voice again.
"I love you, Q." He said. "I never told you, but I've been feeling like this for a long time. Even before I left."
Whatever Q had planned to say, the words had left him again after James' declaration. "You love me." It nearly sounded like a question.
James nodded. "I'm sorry for not telling you before. There are so many things I did wrong, Q. And when Moneypenny suddenly showed up and told me that you've been taken, I realized just how badly I've fucked up. I should have never left. You were right that it would have been better to face everything together. I was just too afraid to see it. I had nearly lost you and all I could think of was that it had happened before. That the people I loved were all dead. I didn't want to add you to that list."
"You could have told me." Q said quietly. "We could have found a solution together, James."
"I know that now." He agreed. "I know that you probably hate me after leaving you like this, but I needed you to know, Q."
He couldn't quite interpret the look on Q's face that appeared after his words. It was neither angry nor hurt. Rather… offended. "Maybe we should both stop to make assumptions based on what we think the other person wants." He took a deep breath. "I love you too, James."
This time, James was the one lost for words. But he also didn't have to say anything, because Q kept talking. "I never told you, so you're not the only one who didn't say anything. I've felt like that for a very long time, even before we got together. I just thought you could never return my feelings. And even when we were together, it always felt like you were holding back. Like there was some part of you I couldn't reach. After everything that happened with Spectre, it nearly drove me crazy. Because I couldn't tell what you were going to do next. I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't really explain it. Until you said you were going to leave." Q closed his eyes. "I wanted to stop you from going. To wrap my arms around you and never let you go. I didn't because I knew that I could never hold you back. At least not really."
"I nearly didn't go through with it." James whispered. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done. And I won't go again, unless you tell me to." He knew that he'd put himself at Q's mercy with those words, offering every part of himself. It didn't scare him as much as it should have.
Q stared at him for what felt like hours. Most probably, it were just seconds. "It will take time for me to trust you again, James."
He nodded. "I understand." However, he also felt a shimmer of hope. Because Q didn't tell him to leave straight away.
"This might take lots of apologies. Maybe a vacation together. Dinner dates. Lots of them."
James felt his lips turn into a smile. "Anything you want."
Then very slowly, Q reached out to take his hand. James entwined their fingers and would have loved to kiss Q when he also smiled.
Unfortunately, the doctor chose this moment to step into the room and proclaim that he was about to check James' injuries once more. James didn't mind the interruption so much, though. Because he saw the same hope in Q's eyes he felt himself. Hope for a future together. A real one this time.