Among Uncountable Stars

by Nshi-ao3

A Fool's unending journey has many pages. An accompaniment fic to "Stars in the Dark", a P5 x FFXIV crossover with Joker as the Warrior of Light. This is primarily for scenes that wouldn't fit into the main story (certain sidequest content, extra moments, etc). Same notes from that apply here!

13. HILDIBRAND (2)

Original Ao3 chapter summary:

I… Kind of forgot how long the ARR Hildibrand quests are. Like everything in ARR lol… So this is part two of maybe three or four? BUT: I don't want to keep you guys waiting on the main fic too long, given what's coming up— so I'll explain how I'll go about that in the end notes. For now... enjoy?

---

"I'm heading out!" Called Joker at the door to the back of the Seventh Heaven, deciding to make sure his departure was properly announced so that he wouldn't accidentally alarm anyone this time. Although with a new linkpearl in hand and the foresight to dodge surely plentiful explosions, Joker didn't suspect it would be as much of an issue this time.

"Alright then! Have a safe—" Tataru began as she rounded the corner— then froze. Looked him up and down, seeming to fight with herself on whether to linger on his choice of headgear or not.

For resting on Joker's head, slipped down to the tops of his shoulders, was the famous bearded helm of a certain legendary pirate, gifted to him after a (mostly) unforgettable night of drunken revelry. Its sculpted face, fixed into vaguely solemn stoicism, contrasted with Joker's cheery demeanor as he gave Tataru an exaggerated wave.

Evidently she decided it was best not to say anything, instead clamping her shocked mouth shut and nodding meekly at him. He gave her a thumbs up, before slipping out the door.

Today was going to be fun.

Jack Garland, assistant-assistant inspector extraordinaire, assumed his role and sat at a bench at Vesper Bay, casually scanning the skies as his literal stony face drew more than a few awkward stares from passers-by.

The familiar flash of a pink parka jumped into his sight, followed by bright round eyes that scanned the settlement by the bay from behind equally round glasses. Nashu Mhakaracca skidded to a halt directly before him. Stared him straight in the Mistbeard's mask's false white eyes.

"Jonkler!" She cried happily, bringing her hands together, "It's good to see you again!"

He nodded, the helm bobbing, "What's bonkin', boss?" Technically he was Nashu's assistant, after all. Not that either one of his new allies was paying him.

"Ooh, I like the sound of that. Bonkin' Boss…" She swayed a little where she stood, daydreaming, "The inspector Boss will be with us any moment now! One of the carriage Chocobo tried to eat his hair. I think it liked his rose and salamander extract cologne?"

"A most alluring scent, I'm sure you can agree, my good man!"Jack started as Hildibrand Manderville suddenly popped up from behind their bench, hair freshly slicked back. He casually clapped Jack on the back without so much as a pause at his new headgear, "I trust you're well rested after the excitement yesterday? I have an important new lead from Miss Ryse, you see." He declared, before Jack could give an answer, "Let us away at once while the day is still young!"

Already used to the inspector's manic energy, Jack trailed casually behind him as he skipped away, dragging a still-daydreaming Nashu with him by the arm.

And after an airship ride did the three find themselves standing at the edge of Costa del Sol, seafoam lapping at their feet.

"It's so amazing." Said Nashu, eyes sparkly as she watched the receding tide pull the shoreline back, "Look! First there's water, then there's not. Then it comes back again!"

Jack stared into the blue horizon, standing between her and Hildibrand with the helm still entirely covering his head, its expression seeming somehow wistful, "And it's still plenty warm, even for the off-season. We should go swimming."

"Ooh, yes, let's!"

"Now, now, my dear assistants." Chided Hildibrand, wagging a finger, "I fear you two are forgetting something terribly important… one must commit to a vigorous warm-up before entering a body of water to better reduce the risk of cramping!"

"Oh, right!" Nashu gasped, hands to her mouth.

"You're the boss, boss-boss." Jack Garland nodded.

"That I am! And of course, before we begin jogging or submerging ourselves, it would only be practical to slather our bodies in a generous helping of salamander—"

"What are you three doing?" Came the irritated voice of Ellie Ryse as she stomped across the sand towards them, her notebook already in hand, "You're supposed to be—"

She jumped as three heads suddenly whipped around to stare at her, visibly intimidated by the sullen sculpted face of 'Mistbeard' that greeted her. Much like Tataru, she seemed to visibly struggle with whether to say anything for a good moment, before clearing her throat and carrying on, voice a little strained, "…You're supposed to be speaking with the father of the bride."

The ever-eager reporter had done her due diligence since yesterday, using her sources to suss out what this 'lapis maiden' the Phantom Thief's calling card was referring to. And if she was correct, then it wasn't a gemstone at all— but a person.

"The girl's name is Arabella, daughter of one Master Guguremu, a prominent member of the East Aldenard Trading Company. With eyes and hair a most exceptional shade of blue, her beauty is the talk of the sultanate." She had explained in a hurry when they'd met her outside the airship landing, distractedly digging through her copious notes without really looking at them, "Her purported beauty, I should say. You see, none have actually seen the girl in the flesh. Apparently her father is the overprotective sort. Some even say that the maiden has never set foot outside the family's well–guarded estate."

But that was about to change, as rumor had it that the girl was to be wed— and to the heir of the rival Brugaire Consortium, no less. The exchange of vows was to be held at a commemorative feast jointly hosted by the two family businesses, set among the splendid scenery of Costa del Sol. Renting out Master Gegeruju's private property for a day would be almost unthinkable for most folk, but gil talked, and neither the Brugaire Consortium nor the East Aldenard Trading Company were in any danger of running their coffers dry.

With the ominous calling card's proclamation, Ellie was convinced that their elusive phantom thief surely meant to strike today in the midst of the celebrations— possibly even to try to kidnap Miss Arabella herself. So much so that she was even allowing their dubious little trio to work beside her in her investigation.

Only none of the four has made much progress.

"'Master' Guguremu isn't interested in talking to a reporter for a 'two–gil sensationalist rag', if I'm remembering how he put it." Joker shrugged at Ellie's bitterly indignant expression, "Least of all a bunch of nobodies like us. And with all those Brass Blades he's hired to stand around there's no pressing the issue without causing a scene."

Indeed, there were a lot of them. Clad in their signature burnished mail, they stood imposingly around the rich Lalafell merchant. A portly little man with a glass of wine in hand, he conversed energetically with one of his invited business partners on a platform overlooking the sea. One which the would-be gatecrashers were now far away from, having been shouted down to the far shore by the indignant socialite for their unseemly presence.

Ellie groaned, "I was hoping my byline would carry more sway, but it seems he's no fan of my publisher… But you're hardly a nobody!" She added, nudging Jack's shoulder with her elbow, "Why don't you try greasing his palms a little by throwing your name about, hm?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Replied Jack Garland flatly. "I am just a humble assistant-assistant inspector."

Ellie sighed with defeat, realizing that he intended to be as unyielding as the metal of his mask on this matter today.

"Fine. I so badly hate to propose this alternative, but Hildibrand— Mister Manderville…" She swallowed. "Perhaps if you were to bring up the name of your fathe—"

"Such touching concern for his reputation does this Master Guguremu possess… If only he could muster the same for his daughter."

Hildibrand froze at the sound of another familiar voice, eyes bulging.

Before them came one Briardien de Manseauguel, striding onto the scene with his usual casually elegant confidence.

And Hildibrand Manderville, against his own advice, promptly hurled himself into the ocean.

"Oh! Inspector Brididiean!" Nash clapped, entirely unbothered as Hildibrand violently thrashed among the waves, a cramped leg hampering his ability to swim, "You're here too?"

"But of course. This is my case, if you recall." The stuffy Ishgardian noble had just arrived and yet he was already poised for a lecture, "Now, Miss Ryse's presence I understand, but I know not what you two boors and your questionable associate think you can accomplish here. I… would… instead…"

He slowly trailed off, his raised index finger lowering.

Briardien stared at Jack. He adjusted the arms of his glasses, as if he wasn't certain that what he was seeing was real.

With great trepidation and some nervous sweating, he finally asked.

"W-what in the world are you–?"

And Jack jutted out an arm to hush him, face turned away as he pawed at his fake beard.

"Quiet, please." He said, "I intend to do some serious thinking today."

"But why the…?"

"It's a thinking cap. Don't you have one?" The frozen face of the mask turned to him slowly, disbelief somehow writ clearly upon it, "And you call yourself an inspector."

"Quite right, my good friend!" Gargled a voice from the sea. Or so Jack thought, anyway. It was hard to make out exactly what it said against the foaming bubbles.

Regardless, the top of Hildibrand's head emerged from the water, a frown on his face and a fish on his head.

"And to set your mind at ease, contriving-inspector Briardien— my assistants and I are here for our own bit of preliminary investigative work. For I, Hildibrand, agent of enquiry, inspector extraordinaire, have arrived to defend the maiden's honor as only a Manderville man can!"

With a boisterous shout did he launch himself from the ocean with a great splash, the fish rising high into the air before flopping back down upon his head with a very wet 'splop'. It wriggled frantically atop his pompador while Hildibrand struck a pose, arms extended wide.

Briardien was not impressed.

"Hildibrand Manderville, in the olfactory-offending flesh." He scoffed, "Don't think you've dazzled me with this… surprise entrance. I could smell the stench of idiocy and incompetence from a malm away."

Hildibrand scowled fiercely.

"It's rose and salamander extract!" He growled, pressing forward. The fish did a startled jump, half-tangled in his moussed hair, "Honestly, man, your nose is as stuffed as your engorged head!"

They glared into each other's faces again, so close that their breath steamed and the fish's flailing tail began to slap at Briardien's forehead.

Ellie pushed them apart.

"Enough, enough. This is getting us nowhere… Master Guguremu's clearly too invested in the coin this opportunity may earn him to even entertain the notion of a lurking thief. It's better if we consider an alternative approach."

Hildibrand stilled slowly. He cleared his throat, "Well spoken, Miss Ryse. Good inspector, I realize we have not seen eyeglass to monocle in the past. But a fair maiden's virtue— mayhap her very life— is at stake! From one gentleman to another, let us put aside our differences." He extended a wet hand, shoving it under Briardien's nose, "Yes, I would welcome your assistance in this case!"

Briardien withdrew his hand as if contact with Hildibrand's dripping glove might transmit a disease, "Me, assist you ? Aren't you a funny man… Oh, but it makes no matter. My plan is so flawless that not even your bungling can interfere this time."

Resigned to Hildibrand's inclusion, he swept an arm at the assembled guests. Dressed in lavish Ul'dahn silks, they idly made merry around tables slowly being filled with trays of hors d'oeuvres from Guguremu's harried chefs, "Our thief is a master of disguise— any among us may potentially be an imposter."

(Don't say it! Joker thought to himself, biting his tongue)

"…If you wish to assist me, you may do so by keeping watch over the suspects… From a discreet distance, of course."

Hildibrand beamed. (Breamed?) The fish on his head sagged.

"Very well! Come, my stalwart compatriots! Let us keep an eye so firmly upon our potential criminals that they may feel the strength of our glares upon their backsides!"

And he flounced away, dripping water as a very frightened abducted fish wriggled desperately for freedom. Nashu gave chase, tail wagging.

"Does he realize there's still a fish on his…? No nevermind." Ellie sighed as she trailed after him, determined to keep him from embarrassing himself more than he already had. Which was an effort doomed to failure, of course, but bless her for trying.

Jack was about to join them when he felt a hand at his shoulder.

"A moment, 'Jack Garland'." Briardien muttered, "While I have reluctantly agreed to your… friend's aid, it is you alone that I am interested in hearing any speculation from."

Jack tilted his head, the helm tipping sideways with it, "Oh? Why me?"

"Despite your colorful attempts to retain your anonymity, I have deduced who you are." Briardien nodded at him, eyes glinting behind his glasses, "The question is– does that oaf of yours? I swear, putting the Warrior of Light to work as his assistant… "

"No, and don't you dare tell him." Joker hissed, prodding the inspector's chest with a finger. Rather hard, too, "This is some of the most fun I've had in moons."

"I question your idea of entertainment, but I suppose that is the least of our issues at the moment." Briardien shrugged, "Come, let us walk and talk."

While Hildibrand and Nashu struggled to fit the both of themselves into a row of decorative bushes that framed the edge of the guest platforms, Jack and Briardien instead took to strolling the beach. Walking with an oversized helmet completely swallowing his head was tricky, given the limited and rather skewed view it offered him— but hey. For the bit.

"With that buffoon suitably distracted, we can get to more important matters. To begin with– it seems you are not the only individual perhaps excessively taken with masks…" From a pocket within his bliaud did the inspector retrieve something floppy and pale and rather unpleasant. A mask composed of something comparable to latex that resembled a skinned face. Only almost excessively generic. The most 'face' a face could get, without any particular identifying features.

"I found it left at the scene of yesterday's incident— a curiously blank one, at that. Now answer me this, Jack. You were there when the phantom thief, in the guise of Lady Durilda, stole off with the Treaty–Blade. Was there anything about our foe's disguise that struck you as particularly noteworthy?"

Putting his 'thinking-cap' to good use, Jack Garland mulled it over.

"Honestly? I think the most unusual thing was the perfect mimicry of Durilda's mannerisms." He replied, tapping at his fake chin, "It's true that none of us knew her intimately, but we'd spoken enough to have a pretty good handle on how she acted. And the thief was able to fool all of us."

Briardien looked reluctantly impressed, "...Intriguing. Where most would point out the sheer physical perfection of the disguise, you turn an eye within…"

Well, it wasn't as if Jack was unfamiliar with magic glamours. Noraxia and the other Sylphs had seen to that. Within this world, it would be acting the part that was definitely the harder of the two.

Briardien gave a nod, "For my part, I agree. There is little mystery in the disguise itself– magical means of altering one's appearance are highly expensive and thus uncommon, but by no means impossible. Indeed, a thorough inspection of the mask left behind at the scene revealed this…"

From the sewn folds of the mask's material did he produce a tiny object— a pyramid of reflective glass, rainbows glinting off of its glossy surfaces.

"This prism casts a deceptive glamour, by which our suspect may seem to change appearances at will. And yet, like you, this was of secondary concern to me. From movements to mannerisms, to that utterly obnoxious personality," Briardien added— in what Jack would consider an assessment completely lacking in self-awareness, but whatever— "The thief did not merely look like Lady Durilda, he was her. Such a feat could not be accomplished by magical trickery alone."

Indeed. What was more of a concern was that they had someone on their hands able to quickly assess and then mimic another person's shtick well enough to fool a casual acquaintance.

"And yet, some disguises are more challenging than others. Put yourself in the mind of our phantom, 'Jack'." Briardien pointed a finger at him, "If you were a thief, whose identity among those here would you first assume?"

Heh, what a thing to ask! Jack Garland put a hand to the helm's sculpted chin, fake-stroking the beard. And with astonishing ease did the humble assistant inspector consider the perspective of an elusively phantasmal career-criminal.

The guests were all well acquainted with each other, so one misstep and the thief's cover would be blown. Better to assume the role of someone unknown to them— someone whose presence was expected and unscrutinized, yet whose identity remained anonymous, affording the thief the opportunity to gather knowledge at less risk. Someone like…

"A Brass Blade." Joker answered.

"...Precisely." There was a sparkle to Briardien's eyes now, "Strong in number, few of words. Able to come and go as they please. A fearsome reputation to scare away any who would draw near enough to realize something was amiss. An ideal entry into Costa del Sol for our man… Clearly you are far less useless than the bumbling inspector whose company you keep."

Jack didn't much care for this guy's praises, but he accepted them all the same.

"Deducing as much, I made a point to question Brass Blades in the area. Little to my surprise, I learned that there was one man who had not been seen at his favorite alehouse for three days past." Briardien smirked with self-satisfaction, "Our thief has not made a habit of wanton murder. Doubtless the poor man is lying naked in a ditch not far from here. Let us begin our search on the outskirts of Costa del Sol."

They found their poor man in a cave by the sea, stripped to his skivvies and tied to a rock. And with bright red and excessively large crabs of the kind Joker had come to expect from Eorzean wildlife making attempts to nip at his toes. He frantically curled them away from their pincers, squealing with high-pitched fear at each close-shave with a snippity-snap.

Sobbing with relief, the Brass Blade revealed he had been struck on the back of the head while canvassing the area. Briardien, repressing repulsion at his goosebump-coated nearly-bare body, managed to wheedle out the names of the guests that were to be his charges.

"...Morgant, Vannes, and Lewenhart. Thank you. For an incompetent fool, your testimony has proved astonishingly enlightening." Briardien turned on his heel. Jack coughed at him. Pointedly nudged the small of his back. Hard.

"...After I get you to safety and a change of clothes, of course." Briardien sighed, pushing up his glasses, "Go on ahead of me, Garland— but for the love of the gods, just make sure that imbecile stays away from any of the guests. Gods only know the trouble he may cause in my absence."

The inspector awkwardly guided the shivering man away. And when Jack looked back over his shoulder did he swear that one of the crabs, denied its fleshy morsel, performed a 'knife-across-the-throat' gesture at him.

Somehow, regular Eorzean animals were weirder than Shadows in the Metaverse. Go figure.

Jack returned to find a very exasperated Ellie standing in the shade of a palm tree, making no effort to hide herself while Hildibrand and Nasu had become tangled deep within a row of hibiscus bushes. Very deeply. They might have even been stuck. It also might have actually been a decent hiding place were it not for the flopping fish still frantically attempting to take skyward every few seconds from Hildibrand's head.

The fish seemed to scream a silent prayer to the heavens as Hildibrand snapped his head around, dragging it with him, "Ah, there you are, friend! And not a moment too soon, for I was about to commence my investigation in earnest! Tell me, did your and Inspector Briardien's avenue of inquiry bear fruit?"

And Jack immediately shared the specific guests' names directly against inspector Briardien's orders, because it was funny. Hildibrand nodded sagely.

"Morgant, lucky father of the groom–to–be, Vannes, the son himself, and the steward Lewenhart, you say? This does not surprise me. Yes, I had considered them all exceptionally suspicious from the start."

Hildibrand disentangled himself from the branches, completely flattening the poor bush in the process. Nashu wiggled out beside him, a pink hibiscus in her mouth, "With the lapis maiden in danger, we cannot afford a moment's delay! I, Hildibrand, shall have our thief in shackles before the other inspector returns! He shall be none the wiser! Hah- hah!"

Arms swinging, he began to advance boldly to the shaded canopy occupied by Guguremu. The Lalafell's laughter was perhaps pitched just a bit too high as he joined in on the hearty guffawing from one of his guests. Morgant, head of the Brugaire Consortium, was a middle-aged, blonde haired man dressed in a silken tunic lined with gold. He reclined in a striped deck-chair, what seemed to be his third drink in hand, if the two empty bottles at his feet were any indication. Slumped in the chair beside his father was the groom himself. Fair and dressed in finery, Vannes was the epitome of 'foppish', with an arrogantly upturned nose and a pouting jut to his chin.

Ellie, sensing shenanigans afoot, grabbed Hildibrand's arm and pulled him back, "And how, exactly, do you plan on doing that…?"

And Hildibrand smirked, his lips stretching almost painfully, "'Tis as you said, Miss Ryse! I shall leverage my family name! Ready your quill, that you might record my every word as I employ the time–honored art of parley— handed down from Manderville men of ages past— to reveal our foe."

"I can think of few topics that would interest my readers less than your blatherings. Just… catch the thief so I can have my story, would you?"

Nashu, who had been idly prodding at a tiny crab, suddenly spun around, "Don't worry, Inspector!" She cheered, a small book in hand— and a crustacean pinched onto her index finger, "I brought my quill and journal, too. Your adoring fans won't miss a word!"

"Capital!" Hildibrand snapped his fingers, "This is why you are my favorite assistant, Nashu!"

Jack Garland gasped, hurt and indignant. The down-turned lips of Mistbeard's helm looked especially droopy.

"Well— I brought my journal too!" Jack cried, pulling out his own with a flourish, "I'll also take notes, Inspector!"

"Excellent! The more astute observations, the better!"

Jack beamed behind his mask. He turned his head. Tauntingly raised his eyebrows at Nashu, who seemed to somehow read his expression behind the completely blank false face. She pouted, her crab friend raising a threatening claw.

Three pairs of eyes (four if you counted lil' crabby) watched diligently from the cover of the bushes, quills poised over paper, as Hildibrand approached the chatting socialites. Though Ellie seemed particularly unenthused and Jack and Nashu kept looking away from the scene to instead stare each other down, competitive sparks flying between their eyes. Well, Nashu's and the completely white and empty eyes of the Mistbeard helm, anyway.

And Hildibrand Manderville, genius inspector extraordinaire, marched up the ramp— and approached Gguguremu and the guests with all the grace of a waddling penguin.

"Good day, my fellow esteemed socialites!" He declared haltingly, "Fine party, is it not?"

At least the fish on his head had settled down. Though Hildibrand was flapping his arms with enough vigor for the both of them as he decided the best way to convey casual sincerity was to gesticulate wildly between each word.

Guguremu and his guests recoiled from the flailing hands. The youngest of the three sneered in revulsion.

"Father… who is this… creature?" Vannes, the maiden's fiancé, twisted away, freshly manicured fingers clutching his glass tight, "Are you among the help? You do not look to be Ala Mhigan, like that oafish man that nearly spilled my wine earlier. I swear, father, you should convince Guguremu to fire that idiotic buffoon!"

Ah! Casual Ul'dahn racism. Joy.

"Good day, Master Guguremu!" Hildibrand plowed ahead heedlessly before the Lalafell could respond, "And a fine day it must be— for you most of all! Allow me to offer my most heartfelt congratulations on your betrothal to the enchanting Miss Arabella!"

His teeth flashed in an excessively wide grin, attempt to appear sociable instead coming off more as alarming and vaguely threatening. It was almost a marvel to behold.

Not enough to entirely distract Guguremu, however. He stood up, fuming, "What is this nonsense? Arabella is my daughter, you—… Just who in the seven hells are you, anyway?!"

Ellie struck her forehead against one of the platform's wooden supports. Rather hard, too.

"Guards! Guards!"

"Now 'old yer Chocobos, Guguremu—" Morgant, the groom's father, soothed the furious Lalafell with the raise of a ring-encrusted hand, "I recognize the lad! This is Godbert Manderville's boy— back from the dead as an agent of enquiry an' inspector extraordinaire!"

He raised his glass of brandy in a teasing faux-salute that Hildibrand didn't pick up on, smiling back earnestly, "Come to save the lovely lass from the clutches o' that phantom thief, 'ave ye? I reckon we owe the man our gratitude. Aye, Vannes?"

He nudged his son with a jovial wink. Vannes crossed his arms. Rolled his eyes petulantly.

"The phantom thief? Balderdash and rot, if you ask me. That said, my betrothed must be quite the beauty, indeed, to have such rumors told about her. Perhaps she's worthy of me, after all! Hahaha—"

Vannes abruptly clamped up as Hildibrand's frowned directly into the boy's face, almost nose-to-nose. The inspector hummed, a hand on his chin— and elucidations spoken aloud.

"Hmmmm, yes, this one exudes an unusual degree of confidence for such an effete, fashion–challenged youth. Most suspicious. But I see no seam indicating a mask…"

The groom let out a startled shriek as Hildibrand reached to paw at his face. Morgant roared with laughter, slapping his knee. Continued to be casually affable even as his son cowered in his chair, face reddened with piqueish fury, "Ahaha! That's me Vannes— ever calm in the face o' danger. Truly 'is father's son."

Guguremu clapped his hands together in an effort to rein the conversation back to upwards social mobility, "A worthy heir to the Brugaire Consortium, and a worthy match for my daughter. Yes, I foresee many years of prosperity for our families— or family, I should say!"

The Lalafell threw his head back to again join in the hearty laughter. And with possibly this world's poorest-performed fake laugh did Hildibrand insert himself again, sounding more like a squeaky floorboard, "Oh, indeed my friends! Such excitement for all, eh wot?"

…And now he was spontaneously putting on an excessively upper-crust accent, like a parody of Briardien's. For some reason.

Good gods… was it possible? An actor worse than Ann? To think Joker would have to travel to another world to find one.

Side-eyeing the maniacally squawking inspector, Guguremu cleared his throat, turning well away from Hildibrand Manderville, "…Which reminds me, Master Vannes— Arabella asked me to convey her gratitude to you for the golden clasp you sent some months ago. It has not left her neck since the day."

Vannes waved a haughtily dismissive hand, "Oh, that little trinket? 'Twas nothing. Tell your daughter the greatest treasures in the realm will be hers once we are wed. Ahaha!"

And when the three carried on in their conversation, determinedly not looking at Hildibrand or allowing him another chance to speak. The inspector tottered back to his comrades, looking quite pleased with himself.

Ellie did not let him revel in it.

"The time–honored Manderville art of parley?! You'd be sleeping with the fishes now had Morgant not spoke up on your behalf!" She gripped her quill tight enough to almost snap it in half. Very slowly pulled herself back from furious conniptions, "...That said, nothing about the interactions between the three struck me as particularly unusual. I fail to glean the point of that outside of publicly embarrassing us all."

But Hildibrand simply waved a finger, "Let us not rush to conclusions, Miss Ryse. A gentleman fancies a more methodical approach. Yes, everything is proceeding according to my master plan!"

Nashu, another snot bubble beginning to form at her nostril, suddenly started out of a daydreaming daze when her crab friend pinched her twitching cat ear.

"Whoops! I was supposed to be taking this down, wasn't I?" She cried, at last remembering to put pen to entirely blank paper and beginning to scribble furiously, "Everything is proceeding according to my master plan..."

"I sought only to earn the trust of the families before confronting the other esteemed guests— many of which have aroused my suspicion from the start. Come, we have a thief to apprehend!"

Though highly skeptical, Ellie followed Hildibrand, Joker and Nashu attentively scribbling away in their respective journals behind them. But every conversation the good inspector engaged in went about as well as the first, again with little progress to show for it.

Hildibrand, however, seemed quite happy.

Not wishing to have the guards called on him again, he called a group huddle by the opposite shore— a certain far rockier and more private beach occupied by hungry crabs. At least Nashu was able to return her new little friend to his family. Or so she said, but Joker could swear he saw one of the larger Snippers scoop up the tiny crab and eat it the moment her back was turned.

Oof. Best not tell her about that part.

Ellie and Hildibrand settled by a bundle of crates stored near the adjacent sea cave, while Jack set about distracting Nashu with a fresh new idea of his.

"Inspector Briardien will be back before long." Hildibrand mused, a finger drilling into his forehead, "So we must think fast if we are to outwit him. Miss Ryse, what do you think is the most—"

And Hildibrand helped, interrupted by a sudden loud crunching sound.

Hildibrand and Ellie turned at the sound of shattering wood. By the shoreline, Jack was splitting a wayward piece of rotted timber over his knee, breaking a collection of driftwood down into small sticks with his practiced Monk techniques. Their earlier competition apparently already forgotten, Nashu had gathered them into a bundle, humming merrily as she carefully set each piece into a haphazard pile of spikes.

"Oh for gods—" Ellie slapped her face, "What are you two doing now?!"

"We're making a statue out of driftwood." Jack explained, ramming a fresh stick into the chaotic mess of jagged points. He lifted his journal to show, in place of any dictation he was supposed to be recording, a very crude and spiky doodle, "I've made a diagram and everything. It's a Coblyn."

"And why the hells do you think— Gods, are those… bombs?!"

"They're mine!" Nashu waved chipperly, "I was going to use them for the big ol' Colbyn eyes."

Ellie groaned as Hildibrand clapped his hands together, "Your enthusiasm and creativity is always admirable, my dears, but in this event, I fear it somewhat misdirected. Now, set the driftwood aside and concentrate on taking your notes like the astute assistants you are."

"Okay!" The two chorus merrily, throwing aside their playthings.

Nashu threw herself at the ground, deciding to approach her note taking from the floor. Joker flipped open his journal to his delightful 'diagram', already beginning to make fresh marks.

Hildibrand looked over at their beautiful creation, "I say, we are most fortunate that confounding-Inspector Briardien is otherwise occupied at the moment. Were he to chance upon this scene, he would veritably explode in rage!"

"I think I just might, if this keeps up." A very weary Ellie shook her head, "Using live bombs for a sculpture… one errant ember could send us all to a fiery demise!"

"'Confounding Inspector Briardien'... 'explode' …'a fiery demise'... Got it!" Nashu finished with a cheerful flourish, little flowers dotting her 'i's. Jack nodded his own confirmation, and added an extra stroke on the drawing of what was now an extra-cool Coblyn— with sunglasses!

Ellie looked away, disgusted. Then she paled, glimpsing something across the other side of the beach.

"...Uh–oh. Don't look now, but someone has returned at the absolute worst possible time."

They peered from across the shore at the approaching figure with a familiarly confident gait. Ellie shook her head as the other three scrambled away in a panic.

"You two were supposed to be keeping an eye on the suspects and staying out of trouble, yes?" She pointed a scolding finger at Nashu and Hildibrand, "And 'Jack', you were supposed to be wrangling them, not joining in on their nonsense! The inspector will have a fit if he sees you three here."

Hildibrand ducked away from her, looking like a kicked puppy, "B–But, Miss Ryse! Should Inspector Briardien come upon these explosives, the consequences will be even more dire!"

"Ugh…" She shook her head, "I will see that the inspector keeps a wide berth of this beach. You lot just get out of here— and be quick about it!"

And the trio skittishly clambered across the rocks much like the local crabs, throwing themselves behind the crates.

Unfortunately, Briardien was already making his way towards them. Having not seen Jack or the others elsewhere, he'd evidently decided to try for the cave they had extracted the Brass Blade from before his departure.

…And coming prepared for plumbing the depths within to boot, a lit torch in his hand.

Ellie paled rapidly. Looked desperately to the side.

The trio hiding behind the crates frantically waved their arms at her, all three of them performing different, incomprehensible actions that would probably be highly contradictory if they were even intelligible.

Clueless and throwing caution to the wind, Ellie rounded the corner. She lunged and grabbed a very startled Briardien's arm, trying to subtly wrestle the torch away.

"I-i-inspector!" Her smile twitched as he blinked dumbly at her, "H-how good to see you again! The others are… um… somewhere else! So let us quit this dreary excuse for a beach and perhaps… go locate them?"

Despite her efforts to try to steer him away from the explosives, the flustered man instead took an alarmed step closer.

"T-that is… quite fine, Miss Ryse!" Briardien gulped, face a little red, "The, uh, solitude of this location rather suits my needs well. I must ponder over the evidence we have gathered so far."

Ellie desperately changed tactics, "Oh, but i-isn't kind of drafty here? I think so! Perhaps we should go elsewhere?!" She leaned into his face, the pitch of her voice rising higher.

Briardien pulled back in alarm, Ishgardian Puritanism badly knocked about by prolonged physical contact with a beautiful young woman.

He staggered back, the heel of his dress shoes— and the torch in his hand— coming perilously close to the soon-to-be-flaming effigy.

Evidently caution wasn't the only thing taking to the wind, as a sudden gust almost spitefully chose that moment to lift the pages from Nashu's discarded notebook, scattering them across the sands.

"Oh, whee! They're flying!"

Jack tore out his page of 'notes' and tossed it to the wind too. Just because.

"Mm? What have we here?"

Elllie gasped as Briardien ducked down perilously close to the bombs, lifting one of the pages. He read the contents, eyes widening.

'"Everything is proceeding according to my master plan' ... Could this be...? Another challenge from the fiend?!"

"S–Surely you jest, Inspector! It looks nothing like his usual cards, see? Doubtless it's just the idle ravings of some madman!"

But Briardien continued to scan Nashu's notes, face going paler as he spotted his own name amongst the scrawl, "Confounding Inspector Briardien will… meet… a… fiery… demise'…?"

The man squeaked with alarm, shaking as his gaze dropped to the second paper, "And this crude series of jagged spikes upon the final parchment!" He gasped, pulling the toe of his shoe away from Jack's marvelous drawing at his feet, "A diagram of some sort? The explosion itself?!"

He staggered away. And the lit torch slipped from the inspector's startled hands, spinning right towards the bombs perched perilously upon a pile of highly flammable wood.

Swearing under her breath, Ellie dove at him. Her hat flew from her head as she knocked Briardien and herself to the ground. They tumbled together, rolling away from the potential eruption.

Leaping from behind the crates, Hildibrand dove too— towards the spiraling torch. He reached out his arms, desperately trying to catch it before it could catch upon the explosive sculpture.

The flaming stick fell towards Hildibrand's head…

And found itself suddenly in the gaping mouth of a fish that chose that moment to leap from within the tangles of Hildibrand's pompadour.

There was a beat of silence at the precarious peace, the wobbling torch held in the mouth of a very confused sea creature. Hildibrand allowed himself a shaky sigh of relief…

And Nashu sneezed.

Jack had to admit: the resulting explosion was pretty cool. Especially as there seemed to be more than a few fireworks among the supplies in the crate.

But mostly it was vegetables. Leafy green ones, torn apart and tossed all about the now very blasted sea cave, until they were strewn over the crumbling debris from shattered rocks.

The fish upon Hildibrand's head was similarly blown into the sky, expression dazed and confused, before falling back into the ocean with a gentle 'plop'.

As the dust settled, Briardien righted himself on shaky legs, none the worse for wear outside of a few scrapes. He watched ann equally unharmed Ellie lift herself onto her knees.

"You…" He croaked, "You saw through the fiend's ruse. But how?"

Elllie looked up at him from the ground, bright green eyes peering between loose purple hair that spilled over her face in the absence of her hat. She flashed a wry grin.

"Let's just call it reporter's intuition."

Briardien looked like he'd never seen a more beautiful sight in his life.

He gently lifted the journalist back to her feet. Helped her locate her wayward headwear. She adjusted it back on her head as the inspector studied her, seeming rather dazed.

And then he started as Jack leaned into his face, standing on tiptoes.

"Boop." He poked a finger at a small gash on Briardien's cheek. A little glimmer of aether sparked, clearing up the wound.

Briardien glared at him for a good several seconds.

"You knew Conjury all this time and yet you didn't think to shield us?"

Joker shrugged, "But did you die?"

Briardien sighed. Looked over to Hildibrand— who was, of course, perfectly intact despite being caught face-first in an explosion. Once again tattered suit and ruined pompadour notwithstanding.

"...I thank you, Hildibrand Manderville. Tell me: were you able to learn aught of the fiend who made this ignoble attempt on my life?"

He stiffened, rising awkwardly from the blackened dirt. Coughed a plume of smoke, "I-I exhausted every effort, Inspector, yet I fear our quarry proves ever elusive!" Hildibrand replied, arms flapping as he lied through his teeth.

"I might have died of shock if you had." Briardien brushed down his scuffed clothes, "At any rate, our foe has revealed himself as no mere thief, but a madman who will resort to cold–blooded murder. Clearly, he has realized that my prodigious intellect presents the greatest threat to his schemes. We must redouble our vigilance, lest the others come to harm."

"T-Thal's balls! What in the seven hells have you lot done now?!"

Standing now at the thoroughly blasted cave entrance was Guguremu, naturally drawn by the explosion and utterly agog. He slowly put his hands to his cheeks, eyes practically popping out of his head.

"M-my cabbages…!" He wailed, failing to his knees, "Those were the finest vegetables money could buy, imported from across the realm! They were ingredients for tonight's feast!"

Hildibrand awkwardly shuffled closer, a finger raised, "W-well, my good man…" He began, his signature grin a little more lopsided than usual, and matching his sagging puff of hair, "Think of it this way! You, um… no longer need to have them chopped into pieces…?"

His awkward attempt at finding the bright side earned him a furious scream. Guguremu marched towards them, fingers twitching in a throttling gesture.

"Agents of enquiry!? More like agents of injury and incompetence! You are to replace the supplies that you destroyed before the banquet begins, or I will see the entire lot of you rot in jail!"

The group sheepishly followed behind the fuming Lalafell as he marched them back to Costa del Sol proper. Dawdling at the rear, Nashu looked to the sea, her eyes glinting.

"Ooh, is that a fish? I'm getting hungry…"

---

Hildibrand Manderville merrily hopped amongst the hanging leaves of jungle trees with a wicker basket looped over his arm, like a schoolgirl that would probably be lured away to be eaten by a wolf. All that was missing was a bright red shawl. Jack followed behind him, scanning the ground as he kept an eye out for any particularly stand-out clumps of leaves.

As part of their penance, the two had been ordered to locate Mandragoras.

"I believe a good ten should suffice." Guguremu had demanded, hands upon his hips as he glared at the group's display of mixed repentance— which was to say that only Ellie looked particularly apologetic. Jack's face, was of course, hidden entirely behind his helmet as ever, and Nashu was off daydreaming. Briardien was insistent that he was hardly to blame, given that he was the victim of attempted murder— which Hildibrand very fervently and suspiciously backed him up on.

"I hear Mandragoras are quite the delicacy in some parts of the world. Two of you can go harvesting them from Raincatcher Gully while the rest of you work off your debt here in the kitchens."

Ellie took a step forward.

"Come now— the rest I understand, but ten Mandragoras is asking too much! Harvesting them is known to be perilous!"

"A measly ten in exchange for several crates' worth of imported vegetables is more than valid, I should think."

"Perilous, you say…?" Hildibrand put a hand to his chin, "Were only there a brave soul in our midst with a wont for taking on fearsome enemies with not a shred of concern for his own well–being…"

Everyone in the room, Guguremu included, looked silently to Jack Garland.

…Well, there were worse things to have a reputation for.

Mistbeard's stony face remained unchanged in response. Hildibrand gave it a sympathetic pat.

"Oh, do not look so put out, my dear assistant! A gentleman would never let his comrade face danger alone! As your employer, it would only be right for me to accompany you."

"You're not actually paying me." Jack pointed out meekly.

But he did actually appreciate the help. He was beginning to think this guy might be functionally invincible.

Briardien reluctantly accepted the deal, reasoning that the others— by which he meant himself and Ellie, mainly, given Nashu was once again asleep on her feet— would be given the opportunity to observe the service staff more closely.

"We can ill afford to take this lightly now. It seems our thief is willing to stoop to wanton murder for the sake of his goals after all. There's no telling what depths he may yet sink to."

"Q-quite right," Ellie agreed, nodding stiffly.

The nearby Raincatcher Gully was a place Joker was familiar with, having previously scoured the fenced off section claimed as Brayflox's territory in search of cheese in one memorable and extremely frustrating little outing. And it was in a similarly perplexing situation that he and Hildibrand were trudging through the more overgrown and untamed wilds behind the Goblin-owned land in search of sentient vegetables.

As Hildibrand spat out a small swarm of Syrphids that had flown directly into his grinning mouth, Joker looked over what he knew about the subject of their side-tracked secondary sidequest.

Mandragoras… He was familiar with the very similar Mandrake entity that appeared in the Metaverse. The bizarrely humanoid plant with the girlish figure he and the other Thieves encountered as Shadows in Kamoshida's Palace— though the latter feature might've just been the influence of the Palace ruler. They weren't particularly tough in his experience, neither as a Shadow or a Persona. But he could imagine a vegetable with a vendetta and the capacity to fight back would prove troublesome for a layperson to harvest, sure.

All in all, this should be pretty easy.

Jack plucked a wriggly larvae from Hildibrand's pompadour, "Since I'm not from around here… How exactly will I know when I see a Mandragora?"

"An astute question, my boy!" Hildibrand praised him, petting the top of his helmet affectionately, "I am taken to believe that, once above ground, the difference to an ordinary vegetable should be quite obvious— on account of the vigorous and decidedly non-vegetative gesticulations. But before they are summarily plucked from their earthen environs there is sadly not much to differentiate them from the more passive local fauna… Perhaps look for subtle wriggling?"

Among the sun-dapled foliage did Jack spy a particularly fine tuft of leaves protruding from the dirt. He felt his Third Eye catch upon it, lighting the sprout up a vivid— and cautious— yellow.

Eh. Well, it was just a little vegetable monster, right? It'd probably fight back, sure, but how dangerous could it be?

Jack bent down, fingers curling around the stalk and giving it a swift tug.

And Hildibrand, belatedly noticing what he was about to do, balked. His hands flew to his ears.

"Oh, Jack, my good man!" He shouted over the top of his own muffled hearing, "I would dearly advise you to perhaps cover your ears before—"

Jack blinked at him behind his helmet, the mysterious sprout already coming free from the earth.

He caught a brief glimpse of a creature that looked like a bizarrely round turnip with cute little button eyes and nubbly little leaf limbs. He found it quite adorable—

Until it took in a breath, and unleashed the most ungodly, ear-splitting screech Jack had ever heard in his damn life.

He dropped the Mandragora at once, body going completely stiff. And he wfjg fgdklghf

Zrrtghkfdslk—

fghtjhjgjhkfgjsgfd

adsfdqwsdkljfgklsdklsfd';sgfhdhgdjhgf…!

Hildbrand rushed towards them, awkwardly alternating which hand covered which ear as he hastily stuffed the writhing creature into the basket. The cover of darkness seemed to cause it to settle immediately, the horrible noise abruptly and blessedly cutting out.

"Oh, what a fine specimen this one is! And, uh, how fare you, Jack?"

Jack stared blankly for a moment, cross-eyed and twitching. Then he struck the ground, his oversized helmet rolling off his head— revealing a gaping mouth and shrunken pupils that were actively pointing in different directions.

"Uuughhg." Joker gurgled, leg jerking, lips foaming a little.

Hildibrand winced. He knelt down at his side and poked him hesitantly in the shoulder.

"Um… I say, dear fellow– are you… are you quite well? Can you speak?"

He convulsed for a good few seconds. And when he at last felt as if his eyes had stopped spinning in circles did Jack attempt to give an answer.

"Kinduh?" He tried, his words coming as awkward drawls from a very numb mouth, "Ebbyfing's a bi'... flobby."

He tried to lift up one of his arms with the other. It fell back to the earth like a sad, wet noodle.

"Ah, temporary paralysis! That should wear off in time. I think."

Hildibrand reached under his noodlified arms. Hauled him up and set him on his feet. He watched him for a moment, nodding with satisfaction as he stayed up, arms ramrod-straight at his sides. But then he began to slowly tip sideways. Hildibrand frantically put out his hands again to hold him upright, like a man wrangling a loose flagpole.

"I must say that I appreciate what stern stuff you're made of— like yours truly! The scream Mandragoras unleash when first plucked from the earth is known to have killed lesser men!"

"Ohhgh."

Frowning, Hildibrand seemed to internally debate what to do for his scream-stricken assistant for a good moment. Then he smiled. Bent down and retrieved the fallen helmet.

"Here let me just—"

And with his usual well-meaning incompetence did Hildibrand shove the Mistbeard mask back on him, somehow forcing it a substantial distance past the tops of his shoulders. It felt a little like being half-stuffed into a tin can.

Hildibrand put his hands on his hips, "Good as new! I see that I was right to accept you as an honorary Manderville man! Now— up and at 'em! We have a good nine more to harvest."

"...Nie…?" Jack's garbled voice echoed pitifully from inside the helmet.

But Hildibrand was already scanning the horizon.

"Ah, there's another one of those little screeching miscreants! Here." He shoved the basket into Jack's twitching hands, "The day is getting on, let us pick up the pace. I shall wrangle this next cacophonous little fellow!"

"Ogey…"

Jack staggered after him on extremely shaky legs, a furious not-turnip rattling a little from inside the reed basket under his arm.

And then he fell flat on his behelmeted face.

"Ah, capital idea, Jack! Canvassing the earth so closely will surely help us locate the rest of our dirt-entombed nemeses! I shall go nab the ones over there while you determine their point of origin, like unto a grub beneath the soil."

"Mhmm." Jack drawled in idle agreement, deciding to let the earth take him where he lay.

While existing much like a vegetable himself, Joker's scattered thoughts flitted about on the revelation that it was honestly kind of nice to have a little break like this, for once. Even if it took partial paralysis and possible temporary brain damage to get it. Maybe he should just… have a little nap. Yeah…

He was sitting upright when he came to his senses some indeterminate amount of time later. That orange glow to the sky… was it afternoon now?

He detected a presence hovering above him— what seemed to be a young Hyuran woman, peering with great concern at his prone figure…. and a cool wet cloth awkwardly placed upon the forehead of his helmet?

Joker started, pushing himself further upright. The girl drew back with a gasp.

For a brief moment, he wondered if he was hallucinating. With his dazed vision blurring his sight, the backlighting of the twilight sun against her beautifully vivid blue hair and flowing white dress, embroidered with dainty little flowers, made her seem almost ethereally radiant— especially exacerbated by the way it all framed her rosy-cheeked face. The light glinted off of an ornate golden choker at her throat. Her matching eyes, like shining jewels, peered into the eyeholes of the helm with innocent curiosity.

Joker blinked owlishly behind his mask for a good several seconds, before shaking the floating lights out of his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry!" The girl stammered, "I thought perhaps you had heatstroke, but I didn't wish to… to uncover you without your consent, so I…"

"Um. No problem." He croaked, lifting the cloth off of his false forehead. He pinched it awkwardly between his fingers, "You, uh, wouldn't happen to be…?"

"Miss Arabella! " Cried a voice, immediately confirming his suspicions, "What are you doing out here?! You must return to the estate at once!"

Stumbling through the trees came a dark-skinned man in the plain tunic and slacks worn by Guguremu's servants. Lewenhart, if he recalled the names Briardien had gathered from the Brass Blade correctly. One of the waitstaff. Ala Mhigan, Joker would guess, with a meek demeanor that did not match with his tall and broad frame.

The lady of the hour stood up, "Oh, Lewen…" She sighed, "Always the worrier. Your concern is touching, but I am a woman grown. I may stroll outside if I so please…"

"He might have a point." Joker— Jack, groaned as he pushed himself to his feet. Though unsteady, they thankfully did an admirable job of holding him up, "It might be dangerous for you out here."

Arabella looked him over, the nail of her thumb playing at her lips,"You are… one of mister Hildibrand's assistants aren't you?" Jack nodded– Well, he was today. And yesterday too. And tomorrow, who knows? "Tell me: are these rumors of a many–faced thief true?"

He didn't want to alarm her, but honesty was probably the better policy, if she was going to go traipsing alone through the depths of tangled jungles. Jack nodded.

"I see…" Her teeth worried a little at her nail. Her eyes flitted to the side, where Lewenhart had staggered to join them, looking her over for possible nicks and scratches, "I must confess… I have been observing you and yours from a distance since your arrival in Costa del Sol. And that is why I now ask… That is, I want…"

She took a steadying breath. Stepped forward.

"I want…"

And Arabella suddenly grabbed Jack's hands, clasping them together between her own.

"I want you to steal me!"

Jack blinked. Lewenhart's jaw dropped, body freezing as solidly as if he'd been the one paralyzed by a Mandragora.

"I wish to be stolen away from here, before the wedding or the phantom thief can claim me!" Arabella continued passionately, squeezing Joker's hand tighter, "To tell the truth, this marriage has been arranged against my wishes. I do not love Vannes— Why, I have not even met him…!"

She shakily lifted one of her hands to her throat, fingers tracing the engravings upon her necklace, "He sent me this clasp as a betrothal gift. Engraved with the mark of the sun goddess, it is one of the most treasured pieces from the Brugaire collection, known by many as 'Azeyma's Virtue'— or so his message claimed. But I do not care how beautiful it is─ to me, it might as well be a golden shackle!"

Lewenhart at last unfroze. His quivering hands hovered at the girl's shoulders, too afraid to actively reach out and touch her but far too unsettled to keep still, "M-Miss Arabella! You must not say such things!"

"An arranged marriage to a youth you have not even met?! Utterly unconscionable!"

Hildibrand Manderbille had returned, an expression of comical shock on his face and a wiggling basket under his arm. He dropped it, furious muffled screeching coming from within as it shook.

Arabella slowly lowered the hand still entwined with Joker's, looking away, "Father says that this marriage must happen, that it is for the future of the family trade…"

"But if I may be bold, milady... Would I be correct in assuming that you and your father are not related by blood?"

Not an unwarranted assumption, given one of the two was a Lalafell. Arabella nodded, "Quite so. Father found me amongst the beggars on Pearl Lane when I was just a babe. He took me in and raised me as his own. Lewen here as well─ though he took him as servant rather than son."

Ah! More casual Ul'dahn racism. Joy…

Arabella noticed Jack's expression. She gave a strained smile, the hand at her choker lowering to her chest.

"You may think Father a cold and miserly man, but to me, he is the one who gave me warmth and hope where I had none. I had intended to repay him for all he had done for me, even if it hurt my soul to do so… I resolved to learn to love Vannes, if that would make Father happy…"

Hildibrand gave an aghast gasp. Took a step forward.

"Miss Arabella, surely you—"

But then the girl's head flew up, her blue eyes suddenly fierce and fiery.

"But now, I… I refuse!" Fists balled tight at the sides of her dress, she screwed her eyes shut and screamed, cry carrying through the gully and sending the birds in the nearby palm trees into flight, "I have asked for nothing in my life, but I demand this! Though I know it is deepest betrayal, I refuse! Vannes is a cruel man! Fickle and vile! I shan't marry him!"

At her side, Lewenhart's awkwardly reaching fingers at last settled for twisting the hem of his plain tunic, a poorly stifled flash of pain upon his face.

Still reeling from her uncharacteristically bold outburst, Arabella composed herself with a deep breath. Looked Jack dead in the helm's eyes, "Think of it— If you steal me away before the phantom thief can, you will have thwarted his plans as you had already intended, and spared me my fate!"

Hildibrand interrupted the pensive silence that followed with a roar of laughter. He clapped his hands, "Yes, Miss Arabella! Splendid! That is precisely the vigor I like to see in youth!"

Both Lewenhart and Arabella seemed startled at such ready and enthusiastic acceptance. Jack shook his head, smiling under the helmet.

…Heh. Well, it wouldn't be his first time stealing a beautiful bride away from an arranged marriage…

Of course, Jack Garland was a gentleman inspector's assistant— and Joker was a gentleman thief. So he supposed this was just part of both trades.

Under the circumstances, it was only proper that Jack removed his helmet. He took it under his arm. Gently twisted Arabella's hold of his hand, until hers was upright against his palm.

Jack smoothly slipped onto one knee. He placed his other hand upon his chest, eyes bright with conviction as he looked into Arabella's face.

"Okay, then. You have my word, lady Arabella— I'll steal you away."

Arabella's tearful face slowly broke into a wide, hopeful grin, her famous lapis-blue eyes shining so brightly.

And then there was a honk.

They turned to Hildibrand as he snorted loudly into the wet cloth that had been on Jack's 'forehead'.

"I've never been so proud…! To think I've raised you so well, my dear assistant…!" Tears dribbled down his chin as he scrunched the soggy fabric into a clenched fist, "Very well! I, Hildibrand Manderville, gentleman inspector extraordinaire, also pledge to do my utmost to see this fair maiden ironically stolen away to freedom!"

---

With Arabella and Lewenhart secretly in tow, Jack and Hildibrand explained recent developments to the others at the private little nook at the edge of Bloodshore— which still served their purposes well despite being partially exploded.

"So, he would even use his own daughter for profit. Spoken like a true Ul'dahn…" Ellie muttered, a particularly sharp and bitter edge to her words as she turned her head away.

Briardien's fingers played at the arms of his glasses as he mused over what he had learned, "Our foe has doubtless assumed a new identity by now. We cannot risk allowing Miss Arabella to take the stage regardless."

"I heartily agree in theory," Ellie frowned, "But Vannes and his family will not take kindly to his betrothed's absence. It won't simply be a matter of keeping her away."

"Their ire is nothing of my concern." Briardien waved a dismissive hand, "Lest you recall, I do this for love of the challenge. Those contemptible layabouts are hardly my employers. Besides, doubtless the good inspector here will think of something."

Hildibrand started, head whipping around so fast his neck cracked, "M-Me? What do you propose?"

Briardien snorted, "You're the expert at creating diversions. Can't you just knock something over, blow something up, or the like? You know─ like you always do?"

"Inspector Briardien!" The Ishgardian man recoiled as Hildibrand threw himself at him, grasping the front of his bliaud in his fists with eyes shimmering, "Oh, I knew the day would come that you recognized my many talents! Worry not about Master Vannes! Yes, for the sake of the maiden, a gentleman will do what must needs be done! Nashu, come with me!"

Briardien looked palpably relieved when Hildibrand let him go, skipping away with no particular destination in mind but plenty of manic energy to spare. The other inspector frantically smoothed down his rumpled clothes, grimacing.

"...The poor sop lacks even the wits to know when he's being insulted. Now, to the task at hand. We must find a way to conceal Miss Arabella's true identity."

It was Lewenhart that spoke up next, an idea visibly flashing on his face, "If it's a disguise you need, then I have access to the servants' quarters… There should be a change of clothes lying about that we can make use of."

Arabella tilted her head, "Servant's garb...? But why?"

Briardien pushed up his glasses, "Miss Arabella, with the thief still at large and, as we now know, not opposed to inflicting physical harm, the risk of letting you be seen is too great. After you change into those clothes, keep away from the main stage and promise that you will not leave Ellie's sight."

Ooh, 'Ellie' now, was it?

"Aha! An idea strikes me!"

Jack jumped as Hildibrand's head suddenly appeared around the rock pillar he leaned against, almost looking a little like a stick puppet,"Miss Arabella, if you are to be changing out of that lovely ensemble of yours, do you think perhaps I may borrow it for a spell?"

Ellie and Briardien both pulled matching disgusted faces. The reporter scowled, "What could you possibly want with her dress, you utterly deranged—"

But Jack, very quick and intelligent and loyal assistant that he was, saw the glorious vision. He pushed himself away from the pillar with a gasp, hands in excited fists.

"Oh! You wouldn't happen to have more than one, would you? Maybe bridesmaid dresses or something?"

Arabella blinked, awkwardly smoothing the front of her wedding gown, "I… I do have several very like it. Father was most fanatical about selecting exactly the right dress for the occasion, so I was given several to try on. Oh, but I'm not sure if—"

Briardien interrupted with a face filled with dawning horror.

"You… you wretched loons surely do not mean to…?"

"Hey." Joker grinned widely beneath his helmet, reaching up to clap a hand on the inspector's shoulder, "You wanted a distraction right? More would surely be merrier~" He finished with a musical lilt.

"…I can perhaps see the logic in that. And it is ultimately up to your selves if you wish to engage in such debasement. However—"

"Excellent!" Hildibrand clapped, "Let us don these fine garments posthaste— Come, you as well, Inspector Briardien!"

The Ishgardian man froze.

"What." He finally managed to croak out after a very, very long pause.

"Yes." Said Joker, his tight fingers digging very, very hard into Briardien's shoulder. The Elezen yelped in pain and fear, "Join us, Inspector— For the sake of the investigation."

"For the sake of the investigation!" Nashu parroted, rounding the corner and throwing her arms up. Though she might not have even known what they were talking about right now, "Come on!"

Briardien hesitated, cold sweat dripping down his face like a broken faucet.

And Jack frowned. He tutted with grave disappointment. Leaned towards Nashu.

"Y'know somehow I don't think he's a real inspector." He stage-whispered conspiratorially, a hand shielding the mask's mouth, "He doesn't even have a thinking cap."

Nashu looked scandalized. She turned to Briardien with a suspicious glare, lip jutting out as she audibly scanned him from head to toe with a loud hum.

Briardien de Manseauguel looked like a man who was steadily becoming convinced he was the last sane person alive.

---

Stars shone splendidly in the evening sky, looking down upon the eager gathering by the wooden deck that led to the raised canopies of Costa del Sol— the central one of which had been fully decorated with silks and banners and roses into a beflowered stage.

Guguremu, having forcibly composed himself after the day's earlier trials, stood beneath the burning torches. He cleared his throat, drawing all eyes upon him,

"Friends… family… business associates." He began, bowing deeply, "'Tis an honor and a pleasure to welcome one and all to Costa del Sol for today's feast, co–hosted by the Brugaire Consortium and the East Aldenard Trading Company! We trust that you've been enjoying fine food, fine spirits, and profitable conversation."

Moving to stand beside him came Morgant, a slight drunken flush across his nose and a genial smile upon his face as he clapped his hands together, "Honored guests. It's a great pleasure to announce the betrothal of my son, Vannes─ future chair of the Brugaire Consortium─ to Arabella, daughter of Master Guguremu of the East Aldenard Tradin' Company. The couple would exchange their eternal vows 'ere today, that the 'appiness that is theirs may usher in a new era of prosperity for one and all."

There came quiet murmurings from the eager crowd, mounting excitement for the long-awaited reveal of the beautiful 'lapis maiden' sparking a palpable energy.

The two fathers grinned broadly. Morgant threw out a hand to the curtain behind them.

"Ladies and gentlemen! May I present my son's lovely bride! The lapis maiden, whose beauty minstrels will sing of for ages… to…"

He slowly trailed off, distracted by something from off-stage. He blinked dumbly as the audience again muttered among themselves, excitement turning now to confusion

And then there were Moogles.

Small, phantom Moogles, conjured from the aether, semi-transparent and shimmering bright. They fluttered on little wings across the stage, a varied assortment of tiny instruments in hand, composing possibly the world's cutest orchestra.

One by one, they lined up before the audience, colorful poms waving and whiskers twitching eagerly. The one at the center, bearing a conductor's baton and a bowtie, waved his little paws.

And they began to play.

What resulted could only be called utter commotion. A cacophony of horrifically untuned and off-key screeching noises that could barely be called music. Chaotically played by each critter to their own individual and very avant-garde tunes, colliding into a discordant mess without any sense of unity or cohesion.

Several people cried out in pain. One of the guests might have passed out.

Morgant clapped his hands over his ears, scowling.

"What—! What is the meaning of—?!"

"Never fear, ladies and gentlemen!"

And the curtains flew apart to reveal Hildibrand Manderville: hair braided into pigtails, blush upon his cheeks, and donning a flowing dress. He stepped boldly forward, parting the two staggering fathers as he beamed down at the baffled audience.

"—For I am here! Sweet Arabella, in the flesh!"

His muscles— smaller perhaps than his father's but still quite toned— were thoroughly unsuited for a dress sized to fit a waifish young woman. They practically screamed in protest against the straining fabric, seams tearing in places. He flexed said muscles. There was an audible ripping sound as the fabric shredded.

There came a chorus of gaps. The guests goggled and stared, baffled and perhaps a little intrigued.

Guguremu went so red he went purple.

"What—" He spluttered furiously, tripling over his own tongue in his rage, "—Is the meaning of—?!"

"No!"

The Lalafell jumped at a second cry from backstage.

And Jack Garland performed an excellent combat roll as he, too, burst through the curtains, clad in a very similar dress. And Mistbeard's helm still sitting on his head. He threw out an arm before the goggling audience as he forced himself center-stage.

"I am Arabella!"

And, if he were to grade himself, he would say that he looked damn good. A bit of tightness in the shoulders aside, the getup actually fit him rather well, what with him actually being the one with the closest proportions to the real lapis maiden (even despite the recent bit of bulking out from regular intense combat). He struck a pose— bouquet in one hand, crossed over his waist, and another upon the front of his helmet.

Frankly, he was rocking the look, thank you. He always knew he'd make an excellent blushing bride.

"Wait! Wait for us!"

Nashu stumbled onto the stage next, her dress bunched awkwardly around her shoulders and spilling onto the floor. She half-tripped over the trailing hem as she dragged inspector Briardien with her by the arm. His long ears were so bright red that they looked like heated metal, and almost the entirety of his unshaven legs were exposed by a dress far too short to cover his gangly Elezen length.

"I'm Abraella too!" Nashu cried as she staggered in front of Jack, also throwing herself into this 'Spartacus' routine for the sake of completing the set, "And so is Inspector Brandywine!"

Slinking as much as he could behind her, Briardien put his furiously burning face in his hands and almost wept.

Beside them, Morgant gaped. He shook his head, perhaps wondering if this was an alcohol-induced delusion. Guguremu, meanwhile, seemed to have passed out on his feet from sheer apoplexy, the unending series of disrespects upon this, the day of his daughter's wedding, finally doing him in.

There came a furious roar from beneath the stage. Vannes began to awkwardly attempt to clamber up onto it, face twisted with rage.

"Wh-What have you done with my bride, you… you deviants?!"

Briardien groaned into his hands, looking as if he might throw up from sheer embarrassment. Not quite what he had intended when he'd asked for a diversion, but hey– it worked.

Hildibrand flashed a broad grin, "Fear not, ladies and gentlemen," He called to the crowd, "For Miss Arabella is safe and sound! I, Hildibrand, agent of enquiry, inspector extraordinaire, have but assumed the maiden's appearance to ensnare the vile fiend who would take aim at her life!"

And with dramatic aplomb did he point a finger against the nose of the man struggling to push himself onto the stage.

"The fiend who now lies defenselessly before me! The game is up, Vannes! Or shall I call you by another name… the thief of many faces!"

At last succeeding in climbing onto the stage, Vannes blinked at him. Spat out a deriding laugh.

"You… you would accuse me? Are you mad?!"

Briardien peered between his fingers to level a glare at the back of Hildibrand's braided head.

"Listen, you infuriating oaf," He hissed, "You cannot simply levy accusations whensoever a stray thought actually crosses your feeble mind!"

But Hildibrand merely wagged a chiding finger, eyes fixed on the accused, "But how would you know that not a single one of us were your beloved Arabella, if you had truly never laid eyes upon her prior? We are all of us ravishing specimens— you could not possibly have concluded otherwise unless you were already aware of her true appearance!"

Briardien looked to the sky, perhaps praying to the Twelve to strike him down now.

Nashu nodded in vigorous agreement, "And he's wearing gloves! I knew there was something suspicious about him!"

"Only suspicious people wear gloves!" Jack Garland declared, extending a very red hand and pointing an accusing finger.

"H-How dare you make a mockery of my wedding day?! Guards!" Vannes' indeed covered hands shook with fury, "Arrest these perverts at once! Lock them up and throw away the key!"

The Brass Blades in the crowd stumbled to attention, gathering around the stage with weapons drawn.

And Briardien stiffened— not from alarm at the blades at his back, but with astonished revelation. He turned his head slowly, "No, the dullards may have a point… Vannes was not, in fact, wearing gloves before. Indeed, the rather vain young man seemed quite eager to display his recently tapered nails."

The man in question stared at them, utterly dumbfounded at the accusations. He drew himself up.

And smirked.

"The man is a fool, but on this he is astonishingly correct. Alas, it matters not— what is yours shall now be mine."

With astonishing grace did not-Vannes suddenly leap away. He sailed over the heads of all on stage, landing smoothly among the supplies left to the side. Eyes shining with mischievous delight, he looked back at them tauntingly.

And then lifted a foot, casually tipping over a certain basket. It wriggled violently as it spilled open into the crowd— unleashing a squad of very angry Mandragora.

The guests screamed almost as loud as the furious vegetables as they were swarmed with wriggling leaf-arms. Frantically fleeing people of all shapes and sizes spilled over the ramps connecting the platforms, sending items tumbling. The torches lightning the stages were knocked over. The curtains went up in a blaze of fire.

And as Guguremu and Morgant frantically tossed themselves into the sea did an errant spark catch upon what remained of the crate of fireworks.

As the sky lit up with an almost confused array of colors, Briardien looked out across the waters to a distant platform. There, under an unlit canopy, stood Ellie and the plainclothed Arabella. The journalist nodded at Briardien, before grabbing tight to Arabella's hand and hauling the girl away. Together, they began to flee across the beach.

Only to draw to a sudden halt.

The thief in the guise of Vannes prowled slowly towards the two, looking them up and down. His eyes fixed on Arabella, flashing grinning teeth.

Joker ripped off his helmet. He threw his bouquet into the chaos. One of the Brass Blades in the audience caught it, joyful tears springing to his eyes.

And then he leapt, his grappling hook slipped from underneath a frilly sleeve.

The clawed end caught upon the fin of the taxidermied shark pinned to the top of the nearby restaurant sign. Joker swung himself through the air, diving for the three below even as the many-faced thief reached out a hand.

And Arabella screamed as she was suddenly snatched up by a blur. Joker caught her waist in the crook of his arm. Held her tightly against his chest as he swept her up, dress spilling out behind him. Her squeal of surprise slowly turned to a cry of delight as she soared through the air.

Retracting the wire to catch it upon a tree, Joker sent the two dipping up and down in a dizzying ride as he put distance between them and the thief. Silhouetted against eruptions of multi-colored fireworks did they streak across the dazzling night sky.

Joker scanned the faces of the scrambling guests beneath him. Spotted a familiar one, looking up at them in awe.

"Lewenhart!" Joker called out as he flung himself towards the startled man on the beach below, "Catch!"

And Joker swooped down. Arabella let out something between a screech and a whoop as he dropped her into her attendant's broad arms.

Face flushed with excitement, Arabella peered up at Lewenhart, idly tucking her loose blue hair behind her ear. Framed against colorful bursts of light, they stared into each other's sparkling eyes.

And then there came a laugh.

Joker landed heavily upon the sand in front of the two, putting out a defensive arm as the false Vannes watched them from atop a tree—

With a familiar golden band twirling around his taunting finger.

Arabella gasped, hands flying to her bare neck.

"The clasp!"

Joker narrowed his eyes. Aether rippled at his feet beneath the dress. He jumped skyward on Garuda's wings with peternatural speed, hand outstretched—

And stumbled, coughing, as an eruption of smoke enveloped him.

Pffft. Smokebomb. Of course. Joker fell back to the earth. Waved the air clear, squinting against teary eyes.

There was now no-one atop the tree, of course. A clean get-away. He wasn't even mad though— A loss was a loss. Good show.

"Miss Arabella! Jack!"

Hildibrand and Nashu— still both in wedding gowns— frantically ran towards the three, alongside a safe but panicked Ellie. Briardien trailed behind them as he scanned the skies. Back in his usual attire (though perhaps a bit disheveled from the haste with which he must have changed back into it), he clenched his fists.

"Damn! Once again, he has eluded us, and with his true target in hand. The 'maiden's virtue', indeed… When the next challenge comes, we must take extra care to read between the lines."

Ellie winced. Looked at the would-be bride still in Lewenhart's hold, apologetic.

"Arabella, I'm so sorry—"

But instead of tears there was a little titter. It slowly rose to a giggle, then to a full-on fit of laughter. Arabella clutched at her stomach as the others stared at her.

"T-that was… that was the most fun I think I've ever had in my life…!" She gasped between giggles, "Truly! I cannot thank you enough!"

Ellie blinked, "But your neckpiece…"

"I care not at all to lose that horrid thing, for it was a symbol of all that held me back. Now I am free to go where I please, to love whom I please…" She gazed up into Lewenhart's dark eyes, tracing his jaw with her hand. A vivid blush loomed across his cheeks as he smiled.

Eventually he found it in himself to set her down. Arabella dropped into the best curtsey she could give in her simple tunic, "Thank you so very much for stealing me away, dear Jack. You would make quite the excellent phantom thief yourself!"

He flashed a grin, "Me? Nah…" Nashu brightly handed him Mistbeard's helmet, now coated in sand. He dusted it off and plonked it back upon his head, "I'm just a humble assistant-assistant inspector."

And then something came whistling through the air.

There was an audible 'thonk' as a certain bright red card protruded from the back of Hildibrand Manderville's head.

Nashu plucked it out as he squealed in pain. She squinted at the letters in the dark.

"Oh, Inspector!" She called as the man thrashed in the sand, "It says, er… 'Made you look'!"

Briardien peered over Nahsu's shoulder to confirm for himself.

And then stood, blinking in utter bafflement, as a second card pierced right between his astonished brow.

Briardien collapsed into the sand next to Hildibrand, both inspectors kicking their legs in mutual pain.

Heh. Despite it all, Joker found he kind of liked this thief guy. Bias for his own kind, he supposed.

"The fiend plays us for fools!" Briardien hissed between clenched teeth, wrenching the card out from between his eyes. He idly wiped away the trickle of blood, scowling.

"'When next we meet, I shall come to claim the victor's spoils.'" He read aloud, "...Hmph, another riddle. If nothing else, it appears the thief has abandoned any foolish notions of my assassination. Still, we must ever be on guard. The ghastly wretch attempted murder once─ he may very well do so again."

Hildibrand, Jack and Ellie all looked pointedly away, avoiding Briardien's confused and increasingly suspicious gaze.

"V-Verily, Inspector! I must agree! One can never be too wary when dealing with a murderer!" Hildibrand coughed.

Cleaning his face completely free of blood, Briardien took a step forward. He looked to the dark sky, eyes ablaze behind his glasses.

"Hear me, man of a thousand faces! You sealed your fate when you called me out by name. Mark my words: when next we meet, you will be mine!"

Behind him Hildibrand nervously tented his fingers together, "Yes, it was the phantom thief who was to blame for that bomb! Truly, verily, indubitably the phantom thief! Most certainly! Hahaha! Haha... Ha... Ha...?"

Briardien crossed his arms, glaring at his clownish counterpart from over his shoulder.

"That aside— I still can't believe you ridiculous fools haven't changed out of those garments yet!"

"Awww, but we all looked so beautiful…" Nashu sniffled, bundling her dress up in her arms, "Even you!"

"Indeed, Nashu! Dear convoluting-inspector Briardien— Do we not, even now, look the picture of utter loveliness?" Hildibrand attempted to swoon into the Elezen's arms. He took a sharp, disgusted step back, letting the man again drop gracelessly to the ground at his feet.

"Well I'm keeping my dress, if it's alright with Arabella." Said Jack, twirling on the spot and letting the fabric flow around him. She giggled and nodded, "Frankly, I am slaying in this outfit."

"While I am uncertain how suited for maiming a wedding dress may be, I shall defer to your vastly superior experience, my good fellow!" Hildibrand pushed himself back to his feet. Pointed a finger to the heavens as one final, neglected firework exploded across the night sky like a triumphant capping fanfare, "Now! Let us prepare once more for tomorrow's investigation. Our elusive thief's next challenge calls so strongly to the very blood of this great inspector extraordinaire!"

---

That night saw Thancred and Papalymo chatting in the lounge, attempting to turn their earlier rather dour work conversations to something more lighthearted. An increasingly difficult demand, given everything that had befallen the Scions and the realm in general in recent months. But they had to endeavor to stay positive, to find the joy where they could. Or at least, Tataru certainly thought so.

So badly wishing to be of at least some use to her perpetually burdened friends, Tataru pensively hovered nearby with a tray of freshly brewed tea. She had just opened her mouth to offer the two a cup when the door opened behind her.

Joker stuck his head around the corner, the bizarre helmet he was so peculiarly infatuated with today under his arm… and adorned in what seemed to be an embroidered wedding dress.

"Hey guys! Don't mind me, just popping into my room for a bit." Joker waved at them, slipping away just as suddenly with the hem of the dress trailing behind him.

Papalymo blinked, his monocle nearly falling from his face. For the second time today did a thoroughly bemused Tataru silently watch the man who had somehow taken the place as the strangest of their little family disappear. She looked to the other two for beseeching confirmation about what she had just witnessed.

Thancred crossed his arms. Raised an eyebrow.

"And now he comes back with a most fetching wedding dress, of all things!" He shook his head, an exasperated smirk tugging at his lips, "I must say, I am quite jealous."

---

Original Ao3 endotes:

Sometimes I assign personal challenges to myself when writing chapters. For this one, it was 'work in March of the Moogles somehow'! For anyone who hasn't seen 1.0's Gridania opening—allow this part to properly portray the Moogle orchestra for you…

As for the other changes to the wedding plotline… well, what can I say? Dawntrail's put FFIX in my brain!

Bonus sketch: of course I had to draw poor Ren with the Mandragora'd Marcille face…

Okay, so! I know there's still a fair bit more Hildi to come, but I'm really eager to get on with A Certain No Good Banquet in the main fic, plus I still have one more job quest roundup chapter to do over here before I can do that. So I think I'll just finish those and go back to Hildibrand after I've completed ARR… That's the beauty of the sidefic chapters, after all— they don't necessarily have to be posted sequentially!

See you again soon…?