Beating the odds

by LioSky

Something was going on with Mike, and it wasn't anything good. He felt it, and Harvey had noticed it. It was not like it was the first time either. But this time it was nothing that either of them could control. As it turns out Mike is sick, really sick. He is going to need help, and a lot of it.

82. Chapter 82 - Tobias

Chapter 82.

Another phase of Mike's treatment was about to start. He had had a break from chemo and radiation for a while but now it was staring up again. Some doctor had talked about it being in the final stages of his treatment. They were only going to do radiation this time, but he had been told that it would be pretty intense. Whatever that meant. He had sort of gone back to not really listening that much when they talked about medical stuff. Mike knew that it was stupid of him. He should pay attention, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. It just brought his mood down, and he was done with felling like that. He tried his best now to feel happier, to be hopeful, to see that this was going to end some day in the near future. Just the fact that it would end was amazing.

The mood between him and Harvey had been a bit tense the last few days. He knew that Harvey was still pissed at him for taking on the pro-bono case. He had won it though. He had been able to do it! Sure, Harvey had helped him to finish it but still, he had it in him. He could do the work. That felt awesome and gave him huge confidence boost, that made it hard for him to feel regretful about going behind Harvey's back and all that.

He had decided that he wasn't going to do it again though. Not until Harvey approved. Which might be another year or so. He would wait though with brining it up. He didn't want Harvey to be mad at him. And he had actually been a bit scared of Harvey at one point there when he had been yelling in his face. He had immediately been embarrassed about his own reaction, but Harvey could be pretty intimidating when he wanted to.

Harvey thought he had been stupid and that he had risked his health like that, but Mike still couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it. What he did feel bad about was going behind Harvey's back to do it. That he regretted. He knew that Harvey was sensitive about stuff like that, and still he had done it. It had felt like he had to though. He was done with that now and had promised to not work too hard. It would be time for that, as Donna had told him.

"You need to be patient Mike. You know Harvey worries."

It was sweet that Harvey worried. Mike needed to honor him by doing what the older man wanted. Donna was right and Mike owed him that. He owed Harvey so much. It sometimes felt like words wasn't enough to express his gratitude towards the older man and all that he had done for Mike.

He still hadn't heard much from Tobias. The older man hadn't been to the latest therapy sessions and didn't answer Mike's texts. He worried a lot. He considered trying to get in contact with one of his children but didn't know how. Annika, the group leader had said that Tobias was still with them at the last session, yesterday. It had hit Mike hard when she said that. He didn't know why.

He was due at the hospital tomorrow for the start of radiation. He was going to go alone. Harvey didn't need to sit with him for that.

"I don't mind doing it you know." Harvey said.

"I know Harvey, thank you. But like I said, you don't have to, I'll be fine. It's over pretty quickly anyways."

Harvey slapped his shoulder and left for the bathroom.

Radiation therapy was boring, and he was tired afterwards. He had thought about going to the office and bother Harvey, but he went home instead and laid on the couch.

The day passed slowly. He spent it all on the couch, alternating between sleeping and watching Netflix. Harvey got home a couple of hours later and they ordered take out.

A couple of weeks followed like that. He went to the hospital almost every day, to the office on some days and spent the rest of the time at home. It was pretty boring, and he was tired and during the last few days he had noticed that he had gotten some pain in his throat that bothered him a bit. It hurt a bit to swallow. The skin on his chest where the radiation was centered were also starting to get a bit irritated. He worried that it would get worse.

Harvey had noticed that he was struggling a bit to eat. That was annoying since Harvey thought it was so damn important for him to eat well. Mike agreed to some extent, but when he had trouble with swallowing, he wished that Harvey wouldn't be on him so much. That he could just understand that Mike did his best.

Mostly when he got home after the hospital visit, he wouldn't eat at all, which meant that he skipped lunch. It was only when Harvey was there that he was forced to eat something. Eating less probably affected his energy level because he was a lot more tired. So, his sleeping routine was getting a bit messed up.

"I keep telling you to not sleep for three hours during the day." Harvey said, when he brought it up with him. "You know you can't sleep at night then."

"I know." Mike mumbled. He felt pretty lousy and was in a bad mood. His eyes were dry, he had a headache and his throat hurt.

"Sometimes I don't get that I have to tell you stuff like this." Harvey continued. "I mean, you are supposed to be some kind of genius and I still have to tell you when to eat or sleep. You know that you have to have a functioning sleeping routine, you know you have to eat and…"

"Yes, I do know." Mike hurriedly interrupted. Harvey could go on forever if he Mike gave him the chance. He was right though; Mike did know all of those things. It didn't mean that he wanted or even could, do them.

Now Mike left for the bathroom, he just felt like he needed a moment alone. Sometimes He just didn't want to listen to Harvey's lectures. He found himself standing in front of the mirror, looking at himself. It always made him feel down when he looked at himself. He really looked like a different person compared to how he had looked before the cancer. He wondered if his grandma would have recognized him like this. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes in pain. Damnit. At least the pain distracted him from thoughts of his grandmother.

He opened his mouth as wide as he could and tried to see if he could see what was causing him pain, but he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. It was something wrong though because it hurt quite a lot. He turned the water on and waited until it was cold. Maybe it would help some.

He hadn't told Harvey about his throat hurting. He didn't know why. He could deal with it though, and he didn't want Harvey to say something about it. Something along the line of it just being a throat ache, and that he had dealt with worse.

The pain in his throat did bother him though. Swallowing sucked and it made it hard falling asleep at night. He was due to the hospital again tomorrow. He probably should bring it up with someone there, but what could they do about a throat ache? It wasn't like he was having heart problems or chest pains. He could deal with a throat ache.

He had therapy tomorrow as well. He really wanted to go and see if there was any news about Tobias. The older man still hadn't answered any of his texts and he was getting really worried. He had even considered trying to look up some of Tobias' family members online. If he didn't get any news tomorrow, he would do it. That was also a reason to why he didn't want to bring up the pain he was feeling in his throat, he didn't want to risk being stopped from going to therapy.

Mike had a headache when he woke up the next morning. It was annoying. He had only slept a few hours; it had been hard to fall asleep and he kept waking up during the night. He forced himself to eat something, even though it felt like his throat was on fire when he swallowed. Some of the pills he had to take hurt like hell to swallow. They were a little to bit and even without the throat ache he always struggled a little with them, even after all this time.

Harvey seemed stressed and had his laptop with him at the breakfast table. He barely looked up from it. He had a case with a demanding client, and it looked like it was going to court, something that Harvey wanted to prevent it from doing.

"Ray's going to drive you today." Harvey said as he was collecting his things. He was heading to the office today to meet the client. Mike was going to stay home alone until it was time to leave for the hospital.

"I have therapy today." Mike said.

"Alright. He will drive you there too. I have to go."

Harvey didn't even look at him when he left.

It was boring at the hospital and Mike felt a little alone. When he was done, he waited by the entrance until Ray arrived. He got nauseated in the car and felt sweat collect on his forehead. Ray rolled down the window for him, but it didn't help that much. He made it to the condo before he had to throw up though. He puked in the sink and then went to lay down until it was time to leave again.

Ray tried to make small talk with him, and Mike felt a bit rude when he closed his eyes and faked sleep. He just felt too lousy to keep the conversation going.

Annika, the group leader at therapy carefully hugged him when he arrived.

"It looks like you have had a rough day." She said.

Mike smiled and told her that he had been laying down most of it, so it wasn't that bad.

Tobias wasn't there and nobody mentioned it. Mike decided to ask about him at the end of the session. They were talking about different types of strengths at the moment, and it was engaging. At the end of the session Annika raised her hand indicating the end of their discussions in smaller groups. She stood up and went over to her desk and brought a paper bag with her back to the circle.

"I have something that I need to tell you all." She said. Everybody quieted down and turned their chairs straighter.

"Unfortunately, I have some bad news to share." She looked around at them, and Mike stiffened when she met his eyes. "Sadly, I have gotten the news that Tobias has passed away. He fought hard as you all know." She paused. "He went peacefully, surrounded by his loved ones."

Mike stared at her. It felt like he couldn't move a single muscle. No. This couldn't be happening. Sure, he had suspected it, he had. But not like this, not now. And again, he hadn't been able to say goodbye. His eyes burned as they filled with tears. It was like he couldn't draw in any breaths.

The others made comments on how sad it was, someone swore. Someone started crying. Annika picked up a framed picture of Tobias that she placed on the empty chair next to her. Mike felt tears run down his cheeks as he looked at it. He didn't bother wiping them away.

Annika spoke about Tobias, about grief and different ways that people could handle that.

"If there are anyone here that would like to go to the funeral it's going to be held this weekend. I will send you the details, but this is your own choice. We can honor those we care about in our own way."

She opened up for them to say something about what they were feeling or something about Tobias. When it was Mike's turn he shook his head, and Annika nodded and went to the next person. He felt numb. He almost welcomed the pain when he swallowed.

The tears wouldn't stop coming, but he wasn't sobbing. Ray got scared when he saw him, and offered his help in all the ways he could think of. He asked if Mike wanted him to call Harvey, if he wanted to go and see Harvey, if he needed to go to the hospital, but Mike just shook his head and asked to be taken home.

When he got there, he just went straight to bed and pulled the cover over him and turned against the wall. He didn't know why this had shocked him so much. Tobias had been old and had been battling an aggressive form of cancer, and Mike hadn't heard from him in a long time. But still, he missed the man terribly. It wasn't fair. Tobias had had so many that loved him, that valued him. And him and Tobias had formed a close bond in the short time that they had known each other.

Mike found his phone and started to read through all the texts he and Tobias had exchanged, he started at the top. It took him a while, but when he saw his own, last texts asking question after question about how the other man was feeling, if he was okay, asking if he could just answer, something in him finally snapped. He cried for a long time.

He was still laying there when Harvey got home. It had gotten dark in his room, and Mike hadn't bothered to turn any lights on. Harvey had called him once or twice, but Mike hadn't answered just texted him. He heard Harvey putting stuff down on the floor, and then his steps coming towards him.

"Mike?" Harvey pushed the door opened. "Are you okay? Ray said that you weren't feeling well earlier."

Mike swallowed painfully. He didn't know what to say. He was tired and didn't want to talk about what had happened. He didn't know why, but for some reason he felt ashamed of his reaction. It felt somehow that he was reacting to strongly.

"Mike. I need you to answer me here." Harvey patiently said behind him. Mike decided to just tell him.

"Tobias died." He said.

"Oh. The guy you know from therapy? I'm so sorry kid."

"Thanks."

Harvey sat down behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. He didn't say anything though. Just sat there in silence, still with his hand resting on Mike. It felt comforting and he closed his eyes.

-SUITS-

Mike didn't say anything else, and neither did Harvey. He didn't know if it was the right approach or not, but it was all he came up with. Mike had told him about Tobias, not much but some. The younger man seemed to be very fond of him.

Ray had called him a few hours earlier and told him that Mike had been very upset. The driver had sounded very worried and kept saying that Mike had been crying but hadn't said anything. Ray didn't think he had been in pain though, but he hadn't known.

Mike had texted him that things were fine though, so he had remained at the office. He felt a bit bad about it now. It wasn't often that Mike didn't turn a light on in his room and now when Harvey got home it had been dark. That was when he knew that something was definitely wrong.

He carefully removed his hand from Mike's shoulder and stood up to go and turn on a light by his desk. The other man was sleeping. Harvey smiled sadly and left the room. They would have to talk later. He didn't look forward to it, but Mike probably wanted to, or needed to.

He felt sorry for Mike. It was the second person that Mike had liked in that therapy group that had died. It was awful, but the members there did have a little higher chance of it. He admired the leader of the group, she had to be a strong person to be able to work in that environment. Today Harvey himself had spent about two hours discussing a patent claim with a client, while this woman had been discussing the death of a person the group around her all knew. People's lives could be so different.

Mike slept a couple of hours. When Harvey went to check on him, he had moved around to his back and raised his bed a little. He had his phone in his hand and was reading something on it.

"Hi." Harvey said.

Mike sighed a bit and put the phone down. "Hi." He looked up at Harvey, he looked exhausted. Suddenly he screwed his eyes shut and swallowed.

"Are you okay?" Harvey wanted to know.

"Sure." Mike mumbled. "Are we doing something on Saturday?" He then asked.

"What? No, of course not."

"Can we go to the funeral?"

Harvey nodded. "Yes, of course."

"Will you come with me? I know you didn't know him, but I… I don't…"

"Of course I'll come with you. It sounds like he was important to you."

It was Mike's turn to nod. "Yeah. He was great. We texted a lot. He knew what it was like, what it is like. He had been through it as well." Mike closed his eyes again in what looked like pain. "I just really liked him." He said then.

"We'll go."

"Thanks Harvey."

"Of course. Have you taken any pain pills today?"

Mike hadn't, and Harvey went to get them for him. Mike barely ate anything for dinner and Harvey let it slide this time. He didn't feel like having the discussion about the importance of eating today.

In fact, he noticed that Mike had started to eat a lot less than before. Again. It was a bit annoying frankly to have to deal with it again. He just couldn't understand this part of Mike's illness. It was just common sense that you had to eat food to stay healthy, to get better. At least to Harvey it was, apparently not to Mike. He always had an excuse. He wasn't hungry, he felt full already, he felt sick, he had a headache, throat ache, it tasted bad, it tasted weird, it had the wrong texture. Excuse after excuse.

He had read up about it though, and knew that it was a common side effect, but still, he couldn't help but to think that Mike should be able to eat anyway.

Mike complained that he was tired, and Harvey wanted to tell him that there might be an obvious reason for that. Just eat more and stop sleeping during the day. Maybe he would sleep better at night then and not be tired during the day.

Mike was subdued and didn't talk much. Harvey worried about him and made efforts to talk to him, but the other didn't say much. He declined coming to work, stating that he was tired and that it was a lot going on with treatment and such. Harvey said that he understood and asked if Mike wanted him to take home some files. Mike declined somewhat to Harvey's surprise. They had talked about it for some time, and he had felt disappointed afterwards. He had a hard time understanding what was going on inside Mike's head.

"I keep thinking that there is something wrong here Mike, that you're not telling me about."

"There is nothing. I'm just tired, okay." Mike repeated. "I don't know what else to tell you Harvey. You keep telling me to take it easy and I just am!"

Harvey left it at that.

Later during the week, he found Mike sitting on the couch when he got home after work. Mike had been to the hospital and had received a dose of the trial drug and radiation. He had declined when Harvey had offered to come with him that morning, saying that he didn't need company. Now when he stepped inside and greeted the kid, Mike didn't even look at him. He was just sitting there doing nothing.

"Why don't you lay down instead?" Harvey suggested twenty minutes later, when Mike still was in the same position.

"Okay." Mike said and didn't move. Harvey let him be. He was just acting weird, and not talking. It was getting on Harvey's nerves.

It was Friday tomorrow, and Harvey had decided to stay at home with Mike. The other man was going to be home as well since he didn't have any appointments that day. The funeral for Mike's friend was going to be held on Saturday. Harvey wasn't sure if the kid was up for it or not. He looked pretty bad actually. Something was wrong and Mike wouldn't tell him what it was. It seemed like he wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping and didn't want to do anything. It was worrisome. Was his depression returning? He had googled it and talked to Mike's doctor. He had also of course tried over and over to get Mike to tell him what was bothering him, but he didn't get anywhere, and he didn't want to push too hard.

Later during the Friday, they discussed what to wear to the funeral.

"Do you know anything about the dress code?" Harvey asked.

Mike shook his head no. "I don't know." He said and pulled out a suit from his wardrobe. "This works though, right?"

Harvey looked at the suit and then at Mike. Did he look thinner? Sure, he wasn't eating much, barely had lunch today, but he did look skinnier than usual.

"You should take the other one." He pointed.

Mike nodded. Then he said that he wanted to lay down and did just that.

When Harvey called him out for dinner later, it looked almost like mike had been crying. His eyes were a bit red and swollen. It hurt in Harvey to know that the younger man had been alone in his room and upset. He didn't know how to comfort him though. He blamed himself for not knowing that this Tobias had been such a big part of Mike's life that he grieved him to this extent.

That night he asked if Mike wanted him to stay in his room until he fell asleep, but Mike had said that he was fine, and that Harvey didn't need to.

He felt a bit helpless when he left Mike's room. He considered giving Donna a call but decided against it. It was a bit late. She had offered to come with them to the funeral, but they had decided against it eventually. They didn't know about the arrangements, and maybe three people that the family didn't know would be too much.

Harvey felt a little bit bad when he hoped that Mike would start to feel better after this, maybe the funeral would give him some closure.

-SUITS-

They had almost been late to the church. It had been Mike's fault of course. His damn throat was just bothering him, and he had spent some time in the bathroom trying yet again to see if there was something there that might cause the pain. It looked a bit red at some patches, but other than that he didn't see anything that might explain it.

"Mike, if we are going to make it on time we really need to leave now." Harvey had said from the other side of the bathroom door.

Mike considered if it was worth it to take a pain pill but didn't feel up for the process of swallowing something, so he skipped it. His morning pills had been painful enough.

He didn't speak much in the car on their way to the funeral. Harvey probably thought that it was because he was upset over the death of Tobias. And he was, of course he was, but the no talking thing was mostly because of the pain in his throat. It was almost constant, with swallowing being the absolute worst. It had started to bother him more and more during the last few days. It hurt almost every time he swallowed. Sometimes it could go awhile before he was bothered by it, but then when he started to think about it, it hurt so much more.

Eating was hell at times. Softer foods, like soup or yoghurt was okay, but other stuff hurt a lot. He had asked about it at the hospital, but they hadn't done much. Suggested that he might need some cream. A nurse had said that it was a common side effect of the radiation. He got nervous when she talked about it, he had had that before, and it had been very unpleasant. That time it had been over his chest, painful sores, but now it seemed to be focused on the inside of his throat. However, he couldn't just stop with the treatment just because some pain in his throat. He had decided to just ride it out for now.

He hadn't told Harvey about it. Maybe mentioned something about it, but he hadn't told him how much it was bothering him. Sometimes it was so hard to fall asleep. He had no energy to go to work, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to concentrate that much either. But he figured if it got any worse, he would have to talk to Harvey about it. It just felt a bit silly though, that some throat ache affected him this much.

When they got to the church there were a lot of people there, and somehow that made Mike feel a little better about the situation. Tobias had had so many people that loved and cared about him. Harvey steered him to a row in the back and they sat down on close to the end of it. The service hadn't started yet and Mike looked around in a search for a distraction against his aching throat.

A few rows ahead of them he could see Annika from therapy and a few others from their group. His eyes were burning. The floor in front of the white coffin was covered with flowers in all sizes and colors. The rows at the front were filled with people that must be Tobias' family. A little girl in a white dress was clutching a small bouquet of red flowers in her hand and kept looking up at her mom. Mike could see a couple of white-haired heads too, probably the older man's siblings. He had spoken about them, three brothers and a sister.

He had to swallow again. The pain of it was almost unbearable. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt tears wet his skin. He might have let out a moan because he could feel Harvey leaning into his side.

"What is it?" Harvey whispered. A pause while Mike ignored him. "Here."

He opened his eyes and looked at Harvey and saw that he was holding a tissue towards him. Mike had no idea where he had gotten that from. Had Harvey brought it? He accepted it and wiped his eyes, he then tried to hand it back to Harvey. The older man grimaced.

"That's yours, buddy." He said. "You good?"

Mike shrugged and looked towards the coffin. Before he had time to say anything music started playing and the service began.

It was beautiful and long. Tobias children and siblings spoke about him; a couple of his grandchildren sang a couple of songs. One of the little girls cried during the whole performance, but still stayed next to the other children. Mike cried some more as well. He would really miss Tobias. The text messages they had exchanged he really helped him, giving him encouragement. But Tobias's daughter said that he was free now, in a better place where he now longer needed to fight.

Mike fought with the pain in his throat. It ruined much of the service for him. Sometimes, like when he had to swallow the pain made it hard to focus on that was going on up in the front. He knew that Harvey was looking at him. However, he didn't say something.

At the end everyone who wanted had their opportunity to approach the coffin and leave some flowers. Harvey suggested they should leave then, but Mike wanted to say his goodbyes. Harvey followed close behind him, as if he was scared that Mike would fall.

They were about to leave when Mike felt someone tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around and saw a woman standing behind him, holding a little girl in her hand.

"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you." She said. "I'm Tobias's daughter, Alice. This is Josephine." She mentioned to the little girl. "Are you Mike?"

"Yeah. Hi." Mike said. The next thing he knew the woman, Alice, stepped forward and hugged him. A bit surprised he hugged her back.

"I'm sorry for your loss." She whispered as she hugged him.

"Ehm…sorry for yours as well."

She smiled and wiped away a tear. "I went through his phone. I saw the text messages you sent each other."

Mike looked down, not knowing if he liked that a total stranger had read the text messages, he had sent Tobias. Some of them had been really personal.

"It meant a lot to me to read his words." Alice said. "He never wanted to talk about his illness with us, so it's comforting to know that he had you to do it with. You helped him. I hope you know that."

She stroked away more tears and it looked like she was close to losing her composure. Mike wanted to say something, but before he had time to come up with something good, she took his hand in hers and squeezed.

"I hope you will get better soon." She said. Then she turned around, bent down, and picked the girl up in her arms and left.

Mike looked after her until he felt Harvey's hand on his shoulder. They slowly made their way out of the church.

"That was nice what she said." Harvey said when they were in the car on their way home. "About how you helped him."

Mike nodded. "He helped me too." He said.

"I'm glad Mike." Harvey said. When Mike looked at him, he was staring in front of him at the road.

Harvey seemed to want to cheer him up when they got home. He ordered them takeout from Mike's favorite place and let him choose a movie.

His throat was bothering him, so it made it difficult to eat the food. He tried to not let it show, but Harvey still asked him if he was okay. Mike tried to assure him that he was.

"Have you thought a lot about him?" Harvey asked a while later.

Mike looked at him. "Yeah, sure I have. But it felt good to go to the funeral. It's nice to see how loved he was."

"Yeah."

They went to bed early that night, but Mike had a hard time to fall asleep. He lay awake for hours, even though he was tired it just didn't work. Mostly it was because of his throat. He didn't know what to do about. He went up close to two at night and forced himself to take a few pills, and it helped him to sleep a few hours.

A couple of days followed where it only got worse and worse. It got harder to eat, harder to sleep. It hurt every time he swallowed. He kept going to the hospital for treatment, and it seemed like it didn't get any better, rather it got worse.

Most of his time he spent at the couch or in his bed. He got a fever and threw up. Harvey stayed home with him then and took care of him. Throwing up was just awful, and his throat burned so much that he cried from it. That worried Harvey a lot. He shushed him and patted his back.

"It hurts." Mike moaned. "My throat hurts, Harvey."

"I know, I know, it will pass Mike."

But it didn't. The fever passed but not the pain in his throat. He hadn't been to the hospital in a few days because of the fever, but now he almost longed for it. He wanted the pain to stop. Needed it too. Since he had such a hard time falling asleep, he just slept to little. It made him feel so drained. He often had headaches and no energy to do anything. For some reason he still hadn't told Harvey about his throat hurting, except after he had thrown up, and he didn't think that Harvey had gotten how bad it was from that. Now though, he was a bit scared of doing it. It had been going on for so long that Harvey probably would be pissed. So, for now he was just hoping that it would go away before he had to tell Harvey.

Harvey knew though that something was wrong with him, of course he did. Mike hadn't been to the office for a week or two now. Harvey went there though. Apparently, he was pretty busy with a case. Mostly Mike stayed by himself, and Harvey would get home early. Or the other man worked from home.

On the days when Harvey left Mike just stayed in bed. He just laid there and waited. He tried to fall asleep, sometimes succeeding, but mostly not. He didn't get up, he didn't eat. He couldn't do that anymore. It just hurt too much. The dinners with Harvey were awful. However, Mike requested soup as often as he could, it went down easier.

He laid in bed one night. It was almost a week since Tobias's funeral. Mike's eyes were dry, he had a headache and just dreaded everything he had to swallow. He decided that he couldn't do it anymore. He needed to go to hospital about this. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it couldn't be normal side effects, it just couldn't. It was a few days ago now since he had had radiation, but nothing had improved.

He tensed his body in preparation for having to swallow. Saliva had gathered in his mouth, and he couldn't hold back the impulse to swallow any longer. It felt like his whole throat and neck was burning. He cried when he had to do it again.

He needed to go to the hospital tomorrow. He needed to tell Harvey about it, and they could go there. He needed stronger pain relief, preferably something that he didn't need to swallow.

He felt dizzy where he was laying. It was probably because the lack of sleep. He had felt a little like this when he had suffered from insomnia. But this was so much worse.

He didn't know when he fell asleep or for how long he slept. The next time he looked at a clock was still pretty early in the morning. He waited a moment to see if there were any improvement but found none. He felt ill and like he needed to cough. He didn't want to do that though, absolutely not. The pain he was in now would probably double. He stumbled out of bed, determined to find Harvey and finally tell him. He needed to go to the hospital. They needed to help him. The pain never eased up, and he was just done.

Mike hesitated when he saw Harvey. He was sitting by the kitchen table in front of his laptop with a few documents spread out in front of him. Apparently, Harvey was so busy that he felt like he needed to work in the morning before leaving for the office. Was this a bad idea?

He wanted Harvey to come with him to the hospital. He wanted Harvey to come with him and handle everything. He was tired and in pain and didn't want to do it alone.

"Harvey?"

Harvey didn't look up at him, he just kept typing. "Yeah? What is it?" He said.

"Can we… can you go with me to the hospital?"

Harvey did look up then. "For what? You don't have treatment today."

"I know. But ehm… my throat hurts."

"Your throat hurts? You want to go to the hospital because your throat hurts?"

Mike nodded. "It hurts a lot." He said helplessly. Harvey stared at him and looked skeptical.

"Have you taken any painkillers? You know, I have a meeting today that I can't miss."

"Yeah, I have, but it doesn't help." He painfully swallowed and almost moaned. He couldn't do it anymore. When he looked at Harvey again, he had the man's full attention.

"So, let me get this clear. Your throat hurts so much that you want to go to the hospital for it?"

Mike nodded.

"And why is it the first time I hear about this. Did it start this morning?"

Mike couldn't meet Harvey's eyes when he shook his head.

"How long then Mike?"

Mike shrugged. He didn't want to have this conversation. Why couldn't they just go? He needed it to stop. He felt like crying. Maybe that would help in getting Harvey to know how badly he was doing.

"How long? Answer me."

Mike closed his eyes and swallowed again. The pain made his whole body tense.

"How long?" Harvey said yet again. He needed to answer.

"A couple of weeks." He said as he stared down at the floor.

"A couple of weeks?!" Harvey said and Mike heard how he rose from the chair and came towards him. "You have been in pain a couple of weeks and today, when you obviously can't take it anymore you tell me? Damn it, Mike! Why the hell do you do this?"

Mike kept staring at the floor and just shook his head. He couldn't come up with a good answer right now. He knew Harvey was right to be angry, he knew that he should have told him about this.

Harvey took a hold of his arm and shook him a little. "Mike!"

"I'm sorry."

Harvey breathed out and let go of his arm. Mike felt tears burn when he had to swallow again, he forced them back though.

"Let's go then." Harvey forced out. He swore under his breath as he went over to the table again and started to collect his things. Mike just stood there and waited.

"Have you taken your pills?" Harvey suddenly asked.

Mike shook his head.

"Do that then. And also, I think you should change."

Mike looked down at his pajama pants and nodded slowly. He felt so dizzy and weak. He wiped away tears and had to sit down on a chair to dress himself.

Harvey waited next to him as he took the pills. He had a hard time hiding the pain. But Harvey didn't say anything about it and Mike then followed him out the door. Harvey didn't say anything to him now either and it was a tense atmosphere in the elevator on their way down. Mike did his best to not swallow as often. It helped a bit to keep his mouth open, but saliva still formed in his mouth, and it was impossible not to do it. He screwed his eyes shut and turned away from Harvey as he did it. He had to wipe away tears.

The cab ride went by in a blur. Harvey didn't say a word but handed him a tissue to wipe his face with. Mike pressed it against his eyes with both hands and allowed himself to let out a few sobs. Damn it hurt. He wished that he could pass out.

Harvey took care of things when they arrived, just as Mike had wished he would do. He just had to sit on a bench and wait. Harvey sat down next to him a while later and muttered something along the lines of that they would have to wait forever. It was pretty crowded around them.

"If you had told me about this earlier, we could have booked an appointment. But no, you thought this was the way to go."

Mike didn't answer him, but he felt stupid. He didn't know why he hadn't told Harvey. He was stupid. But he wished that Harvey would be nice to him now. He could yell and berate him later when he was feeling better. Not now, when it felt like he was breaking apart. The pain was driving him crazy. He just kept his eyes closed and waited. He was so tired and wished that he could sleep and wake up when it was their turn. But his throat kept him from falling asleep as usual.

He felt like crap when he felt tears run down his cheeks.

"Shit." Harvey mumbled and Mike jerked when Harvey wiped his face for him. He didn't say anything else though, but his actions made Mike feel a little better. He wanted to hold Harvey's hand too, but didn't act on that.

Mike didn't know how long they sat there when Harvey stood up next to him.

"I'm going to check." He said and Mike watched him stalk away. A part of him wanted to follow, but he remained where he was.

Harvey got back a few minutes later. He laid a hand on Mike's arm, and they looked at each other.

"Look." Harvey sighed. "This is probably going to take a few hours. So, I was thinking that I will go to the office and have that meeting I told you about. And after that I'll come back here again."

Mike felt himself tense so much that his back started to hurt a little. He shook his head.

"No." He said.

"Yes. There is no point of both of us just sitting here. I will come straight back."

"No, Harvey. Don't leave."

"They said it might be a few hours, Mike. And I really don't want to cancel this meeting."

"But I don't want to be here alone." Mike folded forward, both in some vain attempt to relieve the pain and to hide his face from Harvey. He couldn't help the tears from appearing again, because he knew that what Harvey was saying was going to happen no matter what he said. It always did.

"You can do it. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"No, don't go." Mike groaned. "Please Harvey, please." He let out a sob and felt so damn humiliated, begging like this. "Please stay here. I need you."

He saw how Harvey clenched his teeth and then sat down close to him again. He leaned forward and held on to Mike's shoulder.

"But Mike, then you should have told me about this earlier before I booked an appointment that I need to be at. I know you are hurting, but you will be in pain with me here as well. You just have to suck it up this time, and I'll see you later. Okay."

Mike shook his head over and over while Harvey spoke. He barely heard what the other man was saying, he didn't care anyway. All he wanted was for Harvey to stay here with him.

"Yes." Harvey said and stood up. "I'll be back soon." Then he turned around and started to walk away.

"No! Harvey, come back!" Mike called after him. "Please, come back."

The yelling caused his voice to burn in pain, and he was aware of all the people in the room looking at him.

"Don't leave! Harvey!"

He begged Harvey's back, but the man just kept walking without looking back.

Mike was panting and shaking, and Harvey walked out the door. He just sat where he was. He looked down at the floor as his eyes flooded over. He hugged his arms towards his chest. Tears dropped from his eyes down onto his pants. He pressed his hands over his face and sobbed soundlessly.

He couldn't believe that Harvey had left. He didn't understand why. He felt so abandoned and confused. He just couldn't understand.

He didn't know for how long he sat there, crying in his hands, but someone carefully tapped his shoulder. He removed his hands but didn't look up. A few people were standing around him and it was a nurse that had touched him. She crouched down beside him so that she could look him in the eyes. Mike could only meet her gaze for a second or two, before he had to look away. He had no control over himself, and he felt so embarrassed.

"How about we get you some help huh?" She said. Then she helped him up to standing and lead him to another, smaller waiting area that was empty. She gave him some tissues and spoke calmly to him. It made him feel a little better. He wanted to lay down though, he was so exhausted.

Suddenly Dr Lundin was standing in front of him and spoke to him. Mike got to go with him to some other room. They walked for a while to get there, and the whole time the doctor kept his hand on Mike's back. That felt good.

Mike told him that his throat was hurting, and that Harvey had left. Both things felt equally important.

The doctor said that he was sorry for both things and then wanted to take a look at him. Mike let him, at least for a bit. Then there was talk about looking in his throat.

"It's called an esophageal endoscopy Mike, and it let us know what's up with your throat. It won't take long, and we will be very careful."

Mike shook his head widely; he did not want anything stuffed in his throat. Especially not a long tube with a camera on it. He felt close to panic. He was sweating but felt cold, and it he was panting again. No one was listening to him though. They said that it needed to be done to determine what was wrong.

"This is the way we do that." Doctor Lundin said. "I know it's tough for you right now."

Mike nodded. "I want Harvey to be here. He said he was coming back."

Harvey had told him that. That he would come back. Mike looked towards the door, but Harvey wasn't there.

"How about we call him, alright. And we will also call the gastroenterologist and start to prepare you."

Mike was pretty sure that the other man did call Harvey, a nurse was next to him at the same time and helped him to lay down. It was a relief to do so. He cried a little, wishing yet again that he could just pass out. He didn't do that though, instead he had to swallow again.

"Harvey didn't answer, Mike. But we will try him again in a while. Just try and relax."

They worked around him, and Mike kept his eyes closed. He was scared. Someone put a blanket over him, and he got some oxygen. Also, something for the pain, he was told. Time passed. Harvey didn't come. Mike kept looking towards the door.

He was moved to another room. And they wanted him lay on his side and to give him something. It was first then that he understood that they were going to do the endoscopy now. He tried to sit up and asked for Harvey. He didn't want to do this without him. He had said that he would come back, and he wasn't here yet.

Doctor Lundin was still there, and he was trying to talk to Mike.

"I know you want him here. I know." He said. "But Mike, Harvey doesn't answer his phone, I have tried to call him. But you know what, we'll just do this now. And when you are done, Harvey will come. How about that?"

"No, no, no. I don't want to do this. I don't. It's going to hurt."

"No, it won't. We'll give you some sedatives for it. And like I said, it will only take about 15 to 30 minutes."

"Noo…" Was the only thing Mike could come up with for a reply.

The doctor took his hand then, and Mike held on. They looked at each other.

"I know you are in pain and that you are scared right now Mike. But this needs to be done. We want to figure out what's causing you pain. This is the way to do that. You can say no, but then we don't know what's wrong and the treatment we can give you are limited. Do you understand?"

Mike took a couple of deep breaths and then nodded. He understood. 15 minutes wasn't that bad. He had done a lot of other things he hadn't wanted to do, he figured he probably could do this as well. And maybe then after, they would be able to help him. They could maybe stop the pain in his throat.

He laid down on his side on the table in the middle of the room. He got some sedatives. He got connected to a couple of monitors. His eyes kept watering, but a kind nurse stayed by his head and helped him wipe the tears away. He was so tired, but he thought that the pain had lessened some.

"Okay, Mike." The nurse said. "Do you think you can open your mouth." She was holding something in plastic in one hand. It turned out to be a mouth guard that was designed to keep his mouth opened during the procedure. He felt so vulnerable as he felt her fingers in his mouth as she helped him place it correctly. He had to hold on hard with both hands on his sweater to stop himself from ripping it out. It was so uncomfortable.

They sprayed something down his throat that made him want to cough and he moaned and cried a bit. He didn't like this at all. He wanted help. Where was Harvey? Why wasn't he here to help him?

They had him to lean his head to the side and someone was standing behind him, holding on to his head. A hand was holding his jaw in place and another across his forehead to keep him still.

Some other doctor was standing in front of him with the tube that was going down his throat. He closed his eyes as she leaned forward towards his mouth.

It was an uncomfortable experience, but luckily, he didn't feel that much pain. The medication had worked, and he almost dozed off, weirdly enough. He felt so exposed and trapped though. The hands across his jaw and forehead never moved. In fact, after some time he found them comforting, they were warm and were grounding him.

It didn't take that long like they had said and after that he was moved to his normal room. He fell asleep.

-SUITS-

Harvey had been pretty annoyed when the meeting started. He had probably acted to strongly towards the opposite counsel because of it. The other man had looked a bit pale and tried to interrupt him over and over, but Harvey hadn't let him. He wasn't sure that the meeting had gone exactly good or not. His client threw him a look of disapproval once when Harvey had raised his voice and had glanced over at her.

Mike was the cause of his annoyance of course. He had been disappointed and annoyed when Mike had come to him to tell him that he wanted to go to the hospital. He knew that it was bad when Mike asked about that. He wasn't even sure that Mike had asked for that before.

A couple of weeks. That's what he had said that it had been going on for a couple of weeks. Sure he had known that it was something that Mike was hiding from him, but he figured it had been about grieving Tobias, so he had left it alone. It wasn't much he could do about grief, but there were things he could do to help Mike with his health.

He wasn't even sure what the problem had been about. Mike had said that he had a throat ache. He had a hard time believing that that was all there had been. It had to have been something else as well, right? Not just a throat ache.

Ha had felt bad when he left Mike at the hospital and had heard him call out for him. Mike had sounded pretty upset, and maybe it had been the wrong decision to leave. But Mike needed to learn that he couldn't get what he wanted all the time. Sometimes he had to face some things by himself, and a few hours alone at the hospital with a bad throat wasn't that bad.

When he left the meeting and headed back to his office he wasn't in a better mood. Donna stood up from her desk and came towards him as soon as she saw him.

"Your phone had been calling, Harvey." She said and walked after him into his office.

"It's probably Mike." He said. "I took him to the hospital this morning, and he didn't want me to go."

"But you left him anyway? You could have called me."

"He is fine." Harvey and picked up his phone. Though, he felt how his stomach clenched as he saw the display. It wasn't Mike that had called him, it was Dr. Lundin. That worried him immensely. And it was five phone calls, not just one. It had to mean that it had been urgent. He unlocked his screen and saw that all calls had been close to each other in time, but none during the last hour. When he called the doctor back, he didn't get a reply.

"Harvey, what is it? What's wrong?"

Donna looked worried.

"It was his doctor who called, not Mike. He is not answering now."

"Have you tried calling Mike then?"

Harvey did try that, with the same result.

"I better get over there." He sighed.

"Do you want me to come?"

Harvey hesitated. It would be nice to have her company, but he also felt ashamed about the fact that he had left Mike. He would have to deal with that now, and he decided that he didn't want an audience for that, not even Donna. He shook his head.

"Thanks, but no. I'll call you later."

He was out the door before she had time to say anything else, other than telling him to take care of Mike. That comment somehow hurt him. It felt like he had failed with that today.

When he got to the hospital he headed straight towards Mike's usual room. He had called both the kid and his doctor on his way and had left them voicemails when they didn't pick up. That was probably the reason as to way the doctor was waiting for him in the hallway. The man waved at him and smiled.

"Hello Harvey! Nice to see you."

"Yeah, nice to see you too."

They shook hands.

"Is he in there?" Harvey mentioned towards the door to Mike's room.

"Yes, he is. He was asleep the last time I checked on him. Why don't we speak in my office for a bit."

"Sure. Is he okay though?"

"I'll tell you what happened." Was the answer. They sat down in the doctor's office; Harvey took the chair he always sat in. The doctor put his hands on the table and intertwined his fingers.

"I was paged down to the waiting area and found Mike in a private room there. He was pretty upset and complained of pain in his throat. But we didn't know if there was something else going on with him as well, considering his state of mind. So, he had us a bit worried there for a second. But his values were okay. Since Mike complained of pain in his throat and we didn't see anything from just an opened his mouth, we decided to do an esophageal endoscopy on him. Mike didn't think that was a good idea of course. He wanted you there for that, that's why I called you."

Harvey swallowed and nodded.

"But when you didn't answer we got Mike to agree to it anyway. It took less than 15 minutes to see that Mike have some pretty severe sores in his throat. We took a small sample and sent it to get tested, so we are waiting on the results. They mostly are a side effect from the treatment Mike's receiving. It is very painful for him, makes it hard to swallow, and therefore to eat. I can see that he has lost some weight."

"So, what are you going to do about it?" Harvey said.

"At the moment, not that much I'm afraid. We will try some medication of course, but it might take two or three weeks before he's healed from this. I'm sorry, Harvey, it's going to be a couple of tough few weeks for the both of you."

Harvey sighed. "Great."

"We will do our best to help. At the moment we don't want to stop Mike's treatment, but we will assess him again soon and see how he his holding up."

Harvey nodded again. They talked some more about treatment and possible side effects Mike might experience, none which sounded good. Harvey made his way to Mike's room ten minutes later. Before he stepped inside, he paused a moment to take a deep breath.

Mike was awake and was in a bad state. He was sitting up in bed below a thin blanket that he had grabbed in a tight grip on his lap. He was panting with his mouth open and was staring straight in front of him. He didn't look up when Harvey entered, but his face looked a bit swollen and red. He didn't have a hat on, which was unusual. Harvey wondered where it had gone. Mike must feel even worse without it.

"Hi kid." He said now.

Mike jerked and as he looked up, he pulled the blanket closer to him. Harvey watched how his face twisted and tears gathered almost immediately in his eyes.

"Harvey…" He whispered.

"Yeah. Hi Mike."

Mike let out a few sobs, bit his lips and looked away. Harvey guessed that he was trying to collect himself. It didn't work out that well and he was shaking. Harvey slowly pulled the chair by the wall closer to the bed and sat down.

Mike wiped his eyes with both hands. He kept his eyes down and didn't say anything. He shook like he was still crying but didn't let out any sounds.

Harvey adjusted his position on the seat and swallowed. He didn't know how he should handle this. On one hand he was still a bit annoyed with Mike, he just couldn't let it go that Mike hadn't told him about this. On the other hand, it felt like he should just get up and give the kid a hug, it really looked like he needed that. He quickly looked up when Mike let out a moan.

Harvey let out a sigh.

"Shit, kid. You are not doing good, are you?"

Mike shook his head.

"I'm sorry." Harvey said.

"Where… where were you?" Mike asked. "They called…"

"Yeah, I had a meeting. I told you that."

It was like Mike didn't hear him though.

"Where… you weren't here." He mumbled, still not looking up at Harvey.

"I'm here now."

"But you left. Why did you leave? I…I didn't want you to. I didn't want you to."

"I know Mike."

"But why? Why?"

Mike looked at him now.

"Mike, I told you that I had a meeting that I needed to go to. And I knew that you could handle it yourself."

"But I didn't want to!"

"I know. But sometimes you need to do that, things you don't want! Maybe if you had told me about this earlier, I could have rescheduled the meeting. But you didn't tell me and I don't get why you didn't."

"I was just… I didn't… It wasn't… Harvey…" Mike wiped away tears again and stretched out a hand towards him. Harvey shook his head a little and firmly put Mike's hand down, back on the bed.

Mike stared at him for a moment, but then he sank down on the bed. He pulled the blanket higher up and then turned on his side, his back against Harvey. He threw an arm over his head, maybe trying to hide the baldness, or maybe he felt cold. Harvey watched how his shoulders shook as he cried soundlessly into the pillow.

Damn it. Harvey swore to himself. He knew that Mike had wanted comfort from him, but he just couldn't give it at this moment. It wasn't about some kind of punishment, but he just didn't want to do it. Sure, he felt sorry for Mike, he did. It was just that it felt like this time, it kind of was Mike's fault that it had gotten to this.

Mike was still crying though. Harvey sighed and leaned a bit forward and patted Mike's back a little. It didn't seem to help in the slightest and the kid kept crying. He mumbled things that Harvey had a hard time making out, but he thought that he heard something about Mike's grandmother.

He didn't know for how long they stayed like that, but it was hard to sit there and hear Mike moan once in a while, like he was in pain. A nurse stepped into the room and tried to make contact with Mike, but he ignored her. She said that a doctor would stop by soon as well.

Mike didn't answer any questions when she did arrive and there was talk about medication and whether Mike should stay the night or not. At that Mike did sit up a bit straighter and shook his head.

"I don't want to stay." He rasped, and then coughed a little. He grabbed at his throat afterwards.

"Mike, it might be a good idea." The doctor said.

"Mike?" Harvey said.

"No, no, no. I don't want to stay here. Please, I don't want to stay." Mike whispered the last part and didn't look at him. In fact, it seemed like he couldn't look at Harvey at all. He wondered if the kid was scared. He probably was.

"Well," Harvey turned to the doctor "Can I take him home?"

They discussed it for some time, but then it was decided that Mike could go home. It wasn't much that the hospital could do for him, that Harvey couldn't help him with at home. He wasn't so sure of that though when he helped Mike get up to standing. He stumbled a bit and mumbled that he was dizzy. He had stopped crying at least, but still looked terrible. He didn't say anything when they made their way out to the car, not in it and not anything at the elevator ride up to the condo.

Harvey didn't speak much either, but he kept a hand on Mike's back as they walked from the elevator. The kid seemed a bit unsteady, and he decided to put Mike to bed and not the couch. The younger man followed him and practically fell down onto the bed. He curled up with his back towards Harvey and pulled a blanket up over his head.

Harvey stood a moment and watched him, but then left the room.

-SUITS-