A/N trigger warning talk about losing a child between — and —
Back to the Cullens, Talk with Esme, Confrontations,Chapter 47
Bella felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, at least, a small part of one.
Talking to Angela, someone outside of everything, without judgment or an agenda, had been a relief she hadn't realized she needed.
Angela didn't look at her like she was fragile. She didn't hover, waiting for her to break. With her, Bella almost felt… normal. But that was the problem.
Angela didn't know everything. She couldn't. She had no idea that Bella's life was a constant, ticking time bomb, one wrong step away from losing everything, everyone she loved. And she most definitely didn't know that as long as Bella remained this fragile, weak, unexceptional human, she would always be powerless to stop it.
Charlie expected her to go straight home. But Bella had already made up her mind before Angela even opened the door. She was going to the Cullens.
For the first time in two weeks, she would be showing up unaccompanied. And for the first time in two weeks, she would feel like she was taking back some control.
Pulling into the driveway, Bella expected someone to be waiting for her, or at least for Edward to appear at her door the second she turned off the engine. But no one did. The silence unsettled her. Her nerves coiled tighter with each step toward the house. Just as she reached the porch, the door swung open.
Esme stood there, warm and welcoming. Relief flooded Bella's chest. Without hesitation, she ran up the steps and hugged Esme tightly, sinking into the familiar comfort.
She pulled back, about to ask where Edward was, but Esme spoke first.
"They're in Carlisle's office."
Bella let out a slow breath. Of course, they were. Probably figuring out her meal plan for the week, she thought bitterly.
Bella sat on the couch, waiting. Having nothing else to do, her mind wandered. She felt suffocated by Edward, yet terrified of losing him again. The contradiction tangled in her thoughts, making her stomach twist. A memory flickered at the edge of her mind. Darkness. She was curled on the forest floor; cold, empty, barely breathing. The world had felt wrong without him in it, like the very air had thinned, like something essential inside her had been ripped away.
hours had passed, but she had barely registered them. Nothing had mattered. Not the search party. Not Charlie's worried voice. Not even her own pain. There had been only one thought looping endlessly through her head. He's gone.
The memory made her inhale sharply, her fingers digging into her palms. No. That won't happen again. She wouldn't let it.
She would be better; make up for her betrayal. From now on, she would be the perfect girlfriend.
But just as quickly as the thought formed, something colder crept in; A flash of her nightmare from the night before. Her own reflection staring back at her; hollow, empty. A ghost. Eyes void of light. A shell of herself.
Bella swallowed, a sharp shiver running down her spine. Was she just repeating the same cycle? Losing herself before she lost him? Her fingers curled tighter around the couch's armrest, forcing her breathing to steady.
No. It's different this time. Isn't it? The unspoken question lodged itself in her chest, heavy and suffocating. She barely registered when Esme sat down beside her, watching her carefully.
"Bella, dear, I don't mean to pry, but you've seemed so somber lately. Are you alright?"
Bella picked at her nails. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Esme smiled softly. "You can speak to me."
—-
Bella hesitated, weighing her words carefully. But Esme's warmth and her quiet patience, made her feel safe.
"I can't get Riley's mom's face out of my head." She swallowed hard. "When she heard about her son… I couldn't help but think…" Her throat closed around the words. The memory of that emptiness, the suffocating fear of losing Edward again… it stole her voice.
Esme reached out, placing her cold hand over Bella's. "I understand, dear." Of course, she did. Esme was so caring, so empathetic. But then…"It's hard witnessing what your parents will go through," Esme murmured.
"What?" Bella frowned. "No," she said quickly, shaking her head. "My parents will be fine."
Esme looked at her, eyes gentle but puzzled.
Bella swallowed hard. Her own voice felt distant when she spoke again. "Her eyes… the emptiness there. That's how I felt."
Esme's hand tensed slightly against hers. Then, her voice sharpened, cutting through the moment like ice. "Don't."
Bella flinched.
"You have no idea how she feels."
A lump formed in Bella's throat, but she forced herself to swallow it down. "I do," she insisted. "I've felt it. When Edward left…"
"No."
Esme's tone was firm, edged with something raw. "You couldn't possibly understand the despair of losing a child."
Bella's breath caught in her chest. The certainty in Esme's voice was like a slap. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not trying to disregard your pain," Esme soothed, but there was a deep, quiet grief beneath her words. "But you have to understand… When Edward left, he chose that path. And I'm sure your sorrow was awful. But when you lose a child…" She inhaled sharply. "That is a choiceless, irreversible loss. No one can change it, no one can take it back. No one can fix it."
Esme's hands tightened into fists, her voice thick with emotion. "Losing a mate is like half of you dying with them. The other half holds on just long enough to destroy the thing that took them." Her voice wavered. "But losing a child… there is no comparison. The pain is unbearable. It is endless." Bella shrank back into the couch, Esme's words pressing heavy against her chest.
Esme's expression softened just a little. "When Edward left you, he was still in this world. He wasn't taken from you. You had the possibility of him coming back." Bella felt like the ground beneath her head tilted. "I know you love my son," Esme continued, her voice gentler now. "But he is not the only one in your life who loves you. And your choices; they don't just affect you."
Bella's throat felt tight. "I know that."
"Do you?" Esme searched hers. "Because if you do, I think you need to start acting like it."
The words settled deep in Bella's chest, heavy and suffocating. A voice cut through the thick silence. "You've lost a child?"
Bella jumped at her father's unexpected presence. A flicker of something passed through Esme's eyes. like she had been waiting for this moment. She turned toward Charlie, her expression unreadable. "Yes," she admitted quietly.
—-
Charlie's nostrils flared, his calm facade cracking just enough to reveal the storm beneath. His voice was eerily level, but each word landed like a hammer. "And yet you're willing to take mine away from me?"
Esme didn't respond.
Bella's stomach clenched. The room suddenly felt too small. Then… The front door burst open, pulling all their attention to it.
Paul stormed in first, his presence a force of barely contained aggression, followed by Jacob, who entered more controlled but just as determined. Leah limped in behind them; without her crutches.
Bella barely registered them. Her father's words still hung heavy in the room. She sat stiffly on the couch, her hands clasped together so tightly her knuckles turned white. Across from her, Esme's expression remained calm, but there was a quiet urgency in her voice as she met Charlie's furious gaze. "Charlie, I don't want to take Bella away from you or from her mother. But Bella is making this decision." Her voice was measured but full of emotion. "Do you think I want this for you? For her? If there was any other way…"
"And you haven't tried to talk her out of it?!" Charlie's control finally snapped, his voice rising, raw with pain.
Esme inhaled sharply, steady but firm. "How could I possibly do that, when it means losing another son?"
Silence fell.
Bella's stomach twisted. Esme's words settled like ice in her chest. "Edward was broken without her, Charlie, He's been lost for nearly a century, and for the first time, he's whole. I can't ask him to give that up. And I won't ask Bella to give him up either. But that doesn't mean I don't love her in her own right. I do."
Charlie let out a sharp, bitter laugh, his face red with frustration. "Love?" His voice cracked. "If you loved her, you'd want better for her! You'd want her to live!" He gestured wildly toward Bella. "You say she's making this decision, but what the hell does she know? She's eighteen! She thinks she knows everything, but she doesn't. You really believe she understands the weight of this?"
Bella's breath hitched. "Dad…" Her voice wavered, but the look in Charlie's eyes stopped her.
"No, Bella." He turned to her now, his voice shaking with anger and desperation. "I don't trust that you know your own feelings when it comes to them."
Bella's frustration boiled over. "So what? You think I just made everything up? That what Edward and I have isn't real?"
Charlie's jaw tightened. "I think you're caught up in something you don't fully understand."
Bella shot up from the couch. "I know exactly what I'm feeling!" she snapped.
Charlie didn't back down. "Do you?"
She hadn't seen him come in, but suddenly, he was there, silent, watchful. "Bella, love," Edward's voice was careful, like he was trying to anticipate her words before she even said them. She didn't let him finish. Her hands curled into fists at her sides. She needed a way to prove her father wrong. To make him see.
"If Jasper were here, he would be able to tell you." Edward stiffened. His eyes darted toward the door, lips parting as if to stop her. And then another voice cut through the thick tension. "Is that really what you want?" Jasper leaned against the doorway, arms crossed.
Bella turned sharply, eyes widening. "Wait… you're back?"
Jasper's gaze flickered to hers before settling on Edward. "It's a bit… tense here." He gestured vaguely toward the room.
Bella stared, her mind racing to catch up. "But you were hunting."
"We were," he admitted. "Alice saw me coming back, but she didn't know why." His eyes flicked toward the wolves. "The pack being here might have had something to do with that."
Bella's attention snapped to them. That's right, why were they here? Her confusion must have shown because Leah smirked. "We heard Charlie's distress call."
"What distress call?" Charlie asked, genuinely perplexed.
Paul shrugged. "You're a human yelling in a leech's den. That usually doesn't end well for the human."
Charlie shot him an unimpressed look, but Bella barely noticed. Her focus shifted to something else. She turned to Leah, frowning. "Where are your crutches?"
Leah shrugged. "Oh, back at Jake's house. I haven't needed those things for days."
Bella narrowed her eyes. "You were using them this morning."
Leah rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but I didn't need them. I just carry them around in case I gotta hit a bitch." A slow smirk spread across her face. "And because pretty boys not in the know are extra nice to me."
Paul snorted. "Classy, Clearwater."
Jacob stood quietly, his gaze shifting between them, his expression carefully guarded.
Charlie was watching Jake. Closely. Calculated. Then, he did something unexpected. He smiled, Crossed his arms, and tilted his head. In a voice laced with challenge, he said, "You know, I think getting your emotions read right now is a brilliant idea."
Edward stiffened beside her. Bella felt herself do the same. Jasper exhaled softly, his gaze locking onto hers, silently letting her know that the choice was hers alone. "Is that what you want, Bella?"
She hesitated. "Just… explain mine and Edward's love for each other."
Jasper's lips pressed into a thin line. "That's not exactly how this works."
Bella swallowed hard. "Just tell them how we feel about each other."
Jasper studied her for a long moment, then exhaled through his nose. "All right," he said.
Bella braced herself, expecting something profound. Something poetic about fate and soulmates. She was ready for him to say that what she and Edward had was unbreakable, undeniable proof that no one could argue against.
Instead, Jasper's tone remained even, clinical. "Edward feels sadness, guilt, and protectiveness." Jasper's voice softened, his sharp gaze flickering toward Edward. "But there's also a calm he's never had before. He feels admiration and," He paused, as if considering his next words carefully. "Contentment."
Bella's stomach twisted. Contentment? She should have been relieved. Edward hadn't felt peace in over eighty years. But somehow, that word stung.
"And Bella…" Jasper hesitated. "Anger, fear, frustration. But beneath all that, there's overwhelming euphoria."
Bella blinked. She hadn't expected that.
Paul let out a snort, shaking his head. "Seriously? All this drama, poor leechy's drowning in guilt, and so sad over his obsession. Protectiveness? What the fuck kind of emotion is that?"
"You should know," Jasper said evenly. "You feel that way for her too."
Bella's head snapped toward Jasper, startled. What? That couldn't be right.
Paul's expression barely flickered. "Sure I do," he drawled sarcastically. "And I'm just overflowing with admiration and contentment, too." He snorted, shaking his head. "Talk about emotional whiplash." He scoffed, eyeing Edward with open disdain. "God, you sound like a girl."
Edward barely reacted, but Leah turned on Paul instantly. "Wow, way to set masculinity back a few centuries." She raised an eyebrow. "What, men aren't allowed to have emotions now? She scoffed. "And he's the ancient one."
Paul sneered. "Whatever. We all already knew he was a prissy little bitch."
Edward let out a loud sigh. "At least I'm not a hypocrite who enjoys dressing in drag."
Paul immediately bristled. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Jacob grinned. "I believe he's referring to the fact you were happily running around Seattle in a hot pink dress."
Leah smirked. "It doesn't help that you've been singing 'I Feel Pretty' in your head since."
A few chuckles went around the room. Even Bella felt the corner of her lips turn up.
"Hey," Paul defended, crossing his arms. "That monstrosity was comfortable, it's a catchy tune and Maria's hot."
The laughter lingered a beat longer, but Bella wasn't paying attention anymore.
She turned back to Edward, expecting to see some amusement on his face, but he still stood stiffly beside her. She met his eyes, and something in them made her chest tighten. She had wanted Jasper to prove her right. But he didn't. Even her own feelings were… wrong.
Anger. She felt it, of course she did. He left her. He had decided for her, taken away her choices. He had broken her. Only to come back and take even more of her choices away. No! She knew he was just trying to protect her. He did these things out of fear and love. She was being petty, feeling angry. She needed to get a better grip on her temper.
Fear. She felt that too. What if he left again? What if she never stopped being too fragile, too weak, too human? And worse, what if, when she changed, he wouldn't want her anymore? What if, once the scent of her blood, the forbidden thrill of danger, the battle against his own nature, was gone, he realized she was never special at all?
Frustration. She wanted more. Needed more. Her lips molded against his, the cool contrast of his skin against hers was intoxicating. But no matter how much she leaned in, no matter how desperately she tried to close the space between them, he was always holding back. restrained. Controlled. Distant. Shouldn't love be more than that? Where was the passion, the longing, the ache? At least Jasper didn't tell the room she was horny.
Wasn't love supposed to be reckless passion? All consuming want and desire? Edward was all about control. Bella's stomach clenched. She had to stop overthinking, over analyzing every word, action, and now emotion. She loved Edward. She wanted this. This was the future she chose.
Her throat felt tight. She swallowed hard, then forced herself to look at him. "Are you mad at me?" Bella's voice wobbled. "Or should I ask, are you still mad at me?" Bella held her breath. Each second of silence was pure torture. Edward still wouldn't look at her. Her heart started to race.
"I'm not the one who needed space." There was an air of finality in his voice. The words ripped through her like a physical blow.
No. No, no, no. "Edward," she gasped. "Please… I'm sorry… please don't leave me…" she begged, already feeling something inside her breaking.
His head shot up, but he wasn't looking at her. He was looking past her. Bella's breath caught. Slowly, she turned.
Jacob, Leah, and Paul. All three stood just inside the doorway, sneering back at him.
Jacob's jaw was tight, his shoulders rigid. His eyes dropped to hers, and something in them cracked. Severed. Without a word, he turned and walked out the door. Bella's stomach twisted.
Leah's gaze locked onto hers next, angry, sharp, but beneath it… hurt. Leah shook her head, lips curling in disgust. Then, she spun on her heel and followed Jacob out.
Only Paul remained. A smirk lifted the corner of his lips. But it didn't reach his eyes. He stepped forward, deliberate, slow, a predator approaching wounded prey. Edward was in front of her before she even registered his movement, his stance tense, guarded. Paul didn't even acknowledge him. His gaze stayed locked on Bella. Like he saw something she didn't want to admit. Chest to chest with Edward now, Paul didn't even flinch. He just smirked again, then spoke low and knowing. "He really knows how to pull your strings." His voice was almost amused. But the words dripped with something colder. "And you fall for it every time. Don't you?"
Bella shook her head so fast her vision blurred. Her lips trembled. "He's not playing games," she whispered.
Paul huffed, shaking his head. "Yeah." He tilted his head slightly, still watching her. "You keep telling yourself that." He barked, humorlessly. Then, he turned and walked away.
Edward exhaled sharply through his nose. "The mutt doesn't know what he's talking about." His tone was dismissive, but there was a sharpness in it, a tension in his shoulders that hadn't been there before. Paul's words had gotten under his skin. But Paul was wrong. He didn't know Edward like she did. None of them did.
Charlie's voice was cold. "Come on, Bells. Let's go."
Bella froze. "I'm staying," she said, too quickly.
Charlie's jaw clenched. His eyes flickered with something between frustration and devastation. "Oh, of course you are," he said bitterly. "How stupid of me."
Bella's fingers curled into fists. "Dad…"
Charlie took a slow step forward, arms crossed. "You're turning your back on them." Bella's chest tightened. "Jacob loves you. He's supported you through all of this. Leah was in your corner. But I guess that doesn't matter now. Even that piece of work Paul seems to care about you." His voice dropped lower, heavier. "And you're so fast to let them go."
Bella's breath hitched. No. That's not true. Her heart pounded, the walls closing in around her. She shook her head, anger rising before she could stop it. "They left!" she snapped. "They're the ones who walked out that door." But the second the words left her mouth, something twisted inside her. It wasn't that simple.
Charlie didn't move. His expression didn't change. He just looked at her. Saw her.
And then, in a voice quieter now, more deliberate, like he was cutting straight to the bone, he asked: "So that's it? You're just letting us all go?"
Bella staggered back. Her throat closed up. Her father stood in front of her, seeing straight through her. And for the first time in her life, she had nothing to say. Before she could even try, Edward spoke for her. His voice was calm. Controlled. "She doesn't owe anyone anything."
Charlie scoffed. His jaw was still tight, his eyes angry, but more than that, he looked disappointed.
Bella had to look away. She could feel his eyes on her studying her. And for just a second She wasn't sure he even recognized her anymore. Then, without another word, he walked out the door. Her hands trembled, her breath shaky, but she didn't go after him.