The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean reviewed Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Today, our favorite residential movie critic finishes Sequelitis Month: The Revenge with a bang when he finally reviews Gremlins 2: The New Batch, the sequel to the mega-hit horror-comedy Gremlins. This sequel is known to be the nuttiest sequel ever and people loved it. Is this going to be the best sequel of all time for Sean to review, or will his review get hijacked by Gremlins? So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one. This is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Gremlins 2: The New Batch is owned by Warner Bros. and Amblin Entertainment.
Sequelitis Month: The Revenge Part V: Gremlins 2: The New Batch
(The episode opens with the "Sequelitis Month: The Revenge" title card)
Announcer: What time is it? It's sequel time!
Sean: (V/O) Hallelujah!
After the title card is shown, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his red couch in living room instead of his man cave. This time, he is in a very good mood.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about one of my favorite movies from the 80s."
(A poster for Ghostbusters is shown)
"Besides that one." Sean said.
(A poster for The Neverending Story is shown)
"Besides that one." Sean said.
(A poster for the movie Bolero is shown)
"Right. You're absolutely right. My favorite movie is the erotic drama Bolero. I couldn't get enough of seeing Bo Derek naked in some pretty hot sex scenes. You're not very good at this are you? I'm talking about Gremlins!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the movie "Gremlins" are shown while the song "Gremlins… Mega Madness" by Michael Sembello plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? It's one of the greatest movies of all time. It's a mix of comedy and horror and I love it. Despite it's PG rating, the movie had some pretty dark moments. Hell, people complained about some of it's more violent sequences. (The kitchen scene is shown) Come on, the kitchen scene was funny and awesome at the same time and people complained about that. Plus, it was one of the movies that gave birth to the PG-13 rating. Anyway, the movie was a box office success and it was Joe Dante's best movies of all time. So, when Warner Bros. asked Dante to make a sequel right away, he declined because he saw Gremlins as having a proper ending, thus a sequel would only be meant to be profitable. Plus, the original film was a taxing experience for him and he wanted to move on. So he did other films like Explorers, Innerspace and The 'Burbs, they were pretty good movies, but they're not Gremlins. After the studio approached various directors and writers with storylines considered like sending the Gremlins to cities like Las Vegas or even the planet Mars. Yeah, I'm not kidding. Mars. But the ideas fell through and the studio came back to Dante and he agreed to make the sequel.
"Well, you gotta give the people what they want." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Gremlins 2: The New Batch" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the updated version of "The Gremlins Rag" composed by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I think it's about time that I talk about this movie. Gremlins 2: The New Batch was released in theaters on June 15, 1990, the same day as Dick Tracy. This movie is one of those movies that you have to see. After Dante agreed to direct the sequel, he got the rare promise of having complete control over the movie. Well, when directors get creative control over a movie, it won't do so well. But in Joe Dante's exception, it worked well. Aside from the first film getting a PG rating, this one was rated PG-13. I'm guessing the melting Gremlins and traumatic Christmases was too dark for young children. This one took more of a light-hearted, kid-friendly approach. It's meant to be more cartoonish and less dark than the original and having the violence lean more towards slapstick. It's been thirty-five years since we've witnessed the bat-shit insanity of this sequel and how it developed a strong cult following. It's so good, that Key & Peele did a sketch on how they came up with the idea of Gremlins 2. Check it out, that sketch is funny. We've got a lot of film to cover and a lot of wackiness, so let's not waste any time.
"So let's take a look at what I have to say, the most bizarre, yet funny sequel ever. This is Gremlins 2." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) So the movie starts off with...
(The Looney Tunes theme plays with the "Warner Bros. screen" as the WB shield pops up with Bugs Bunny on top of the shield)
"A Looney Tunes short. I mean, I guess we're about to watch "Box-Office Bunny" before the movie starts." Sean said.
(Suddenly, Daffy Duck appears)
Daffy Duck (Voice by Jeff Bergman): Stop the music!
Bugs Bunny (Also voiced by Jeff Bergman): Eh, what's up, Doc?
"Or not." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, when I first watched it when I was about six or seven years old and my mom introduced me to Gremlins and Gremlins 2, I thought that I was about to watch a Looney Tunes short, but it turned out to be part of the movie. Anyway, we get this main title sequence done by the legendary Chuck Jones, who was brought out of retirement to animate this sequence. And speaking of legends, taking over for the late Mel Blanc is Jeff Bergman voicing Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. In this sequence, Daffy is sick and tired of Bugs hogging the spotlight and it's time for somebody to take over the shield.
"Speaking of Looney Tunes, read somewhere, for the first one, they tried to get footage from Falling Hare in. Brian said, laughing like the gremlin from that short.
Daffy Duck: Fifty years of you hoggin' the spotlight is enough. I am riding the shield from now on… (gets on the shield) because I, personally, have all the talent around here. Okay, Mac, let's take it from the top.
(The shield zooms out into the distance)
Daffy Duck: (Distant) Okay, far enough. Now the. Camera! Music! Sound!
(Music plays out as the shield zooms in, only to get too close and crash)
Daffy Duck: Ho ho. Very funny.
"And of course, this is the movie's way of screwing with him. And it's hilarious." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Daffy pushes the shield until the rings close around his waist)
Daffy Duck: Hmph! Well, if I'm not gonna star in this cartoon, we might as well just start the movie.
Bugs Bunny: Roll 'em!
(Bugs spins Daffy around, transitioning to the movie's title card)
"Thank you, Bugs. Now, we can get this movie started without Daffy ruining it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that little animated opening, we get our opening credits as we're treated to shots of New York City. Fun fact: the opening arial shot was stock footage from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Yeah, this movie just re-used footage of New York City from Superman IV.
"At least we don't get to see exact same shot of Superman flying towards the screen over and over and over again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Chinatown as we see a limo pulling up as we see Frank Forster, played by Robert Picardo, paying entering Mr. Wing's shop and pays him a visit with a little message from Daniel Clamp, played by John Glover. And that message is on high-tech VHS cassette in stereo.
"And for those of you youngsters that don't know what a VCR or a VHS is, then this generation is cooked." Sean said.
Daniel Clamp (Played by John Glover): (On TV) You're attached to your business. I appreciate that. I'm attached to mine. I develop the biggest buildings in New York. And you sell… little things.
"And this character is a fictional version of Donald Trump in this movie. And at least this character is much nicer than our idiotic orange president." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clamp has some ideas on renovating Chinatown in a big way. Well, at least Mr. Wing has an answer for him.
Mr. Wing (Played by Keye Luke): I'm sorry. Please tell Mister Clamp that the answer is still no.
(Mr. Wing walks away and coughs)
Forster (Played by Robert Picardo): Please… keep the TV.
(Forster sits the remote down on the table while Mr. Wing walks Clamp's men to the door. We then see Gizmo's paw reach for the remote)
Gizmo (Voiced by Howie Mandel): (Offscreen) TV!
(Gizmo changes the channel to a scene from Rambo III, which then switches to a scene from Rambo: First Blood Part II, where Rambo fires and explosive arrow at a shack, blowing it up)
Rambo: (On TV) To survive a war, you've got to become war.
"And immediately Gizmo is starting his review of Rambo: First Blood Part II before me." Sean said.
(Mr. Wing comes back and sees Gizmo watching TV)
Mr. Wing: Television again. An invention for fools!
(Mr. Wing turns the television off and starts coughing again)
"And judging by his cough, he's not going to survive the next five minutes of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to six weeks later and what do you know? Mr. Wing has kicked the bucket, which means that Daniel Clamp is moving on with his renovation project. Also, we see that poor little Gizmo is left all alone mourning over Mr. Wing. Oh, to hell with that. Let's destroy the damn shop.
(A construction crane crashes through the building roof. Gizmo leaps down from the cage and he narrowly escapes with the crane right behind him)
"And immediately, the construction crew is trying to make sure that Gizmo joins Mr. Wing in that little antique shop in the sky. And they didn't even bother to check to make sure that there wasn't anything inside?" Sean asked.
(Gizmo runs away into the alley behind the store and he scampers to safety behind a trashcan. Also, he is running out in broad daylight, which, for some odd reason, doesn't hurt him)
"Well, so much for that rule about exposing Gizmo to bright lights. I guess that rule doesn't apply to him." Sean said.
(Gizmo looks up, startled and scared at a man)
Lewis (Played by Dan Stanton): (To himself) Well, Lewis, it's like I've always said: "If you want to find something weird, you have to go downtown."
(Lewis' hand reaches down into frame and captures Gizmo)
Sean: (V/O as Gizmo) Bad touch! Bad touch!
(The next scene cuts to New York at rush hour as we see the heroes from the first film Billy Peltzer and Kate Beringer, who are now engaged and living in New York)
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Billy Peltzer, played by Zach Galligan, and his fiancée Kate Beringer, played by Phoebe Cates, are living in New York. Also, they establish that Murray Futterman survived the whole Gremlins ordeal. And since they're living in New York, they have to deal with people in New York being assholes.
(A civilian runs past the two as Kate looks in shock)
Kate Beringer (Played by Phoebe Cates): These people are so rude!
Billy Peltzer (Played by Zach Galligan): Honey, what time is it? (Looks at Kate's watch) God, we're late. There's a cab.
(They both run to a corner where a taxi cab pulls over for them)
Taxi Driver (Played by Vladimir Bibic): You goin' a' the airport?
Billy Peltzer: No. Actually, I'm just…
(The taxi driver mutters something, then waves them off and drives away)
"Culture shock, much? I mean, you're talking to a guy who's parents lived in New York for years after living in West Virginia most of their lives." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) We also see that Billy and Kate are working at the high-tech Clamp Center, but here's the thing about the building…
(A worker pushes Kate out of the way and enters one of the revolving doors. The power-assisted door starts going too fast, spinning the man around and whooshes him inside)
"Yeah, let's just say that some things in this building are wonky. Kind of like Rand Peltzer's gadgets. But on the good side, Clamp Center does have some retail businesses like restaurants, a frozen yogurt stand, a beauty parlor and clothing stores. It's like Carew Tower, but high-tech." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that they're not getting paid particularly well, which has put their wedding plans on hold for the time being. But hey, Billy's working as a concept designer, which is where Billy's hard work comes in, under heel of his superior Marla Bloodstone, played by Haviland Morris, who's from New Jersey, and she's really hamming up the New York accent.
Marla Bloodstone (Played by Haviland Morris): (While looking at Billy's drawing of Clamp's projected Chinatown building) That courtyard looks cold. That'd be nicer with trees.
Billy Peltzer: Are they going to plant trees?
Marla Bloodstone: No, but you're going to draw them.
Billy Peltzer: But the…
Marla Bloodstone: Elms.
Billy Peltzer: But the shrubbery looks…
Marla Bloodstone: Billy, this attitude doesn't work for me.
"When I say that she hams up the New York accent. She hams it up. I feel like she's trying to channel Arleen Sorkin's Harley Quinn." Sean said.
Marla Bloodstone: (Her lines replaced with Harley Quinn's lines) Oy. Beauty school is starting to look pretty good about now.
Sean: (Narrating) And just to make Billy more miserable at his job, Forster starts acting like an asshole towards him when he sees a potted plant sitting on his desk because there are no potted plants allowed. So yeah, he establishes how serious this workplace is.
Forster: Mr. Peltzer, do you know how much the Clamp Organization has spent to provide it's employees with art by recognized artists at this facility? (Points to a piece of anonymous "bank-art" on a nearby wall) Eye-pleasing, color-coordinated, authorized.
Billy Peltzer: I know, but it was just a little…
(Marla elbows Billy in the stomach to shut him up)
Forster: A little touch. I know. Maybe everybody here would like to do some little touches. Coffee mugs that say, "World's Greatest Lover." The ashtray that reads, "Rest Your Butt Here." You'd like that wouldn't you, Mr. Peltzer? Coming to work every day in a $200,000,000… flea market.
(Forster dumps the potted plant into a trash bin)
"Boy, it's always that one asshole at your job that you don't like." Sean said. "Trust me, I know."
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Did I mention that Forster is the chief of Clamp Center's security? And there's also no enjoyment in the building. Look at what happens to this poor guy who's been caught smoking on his break.
(The camera catches a stressed-out worker, played by the late Henry Gibson, lighting a cigarette in a storeroom)
Forster: (Via microphone) That's an unauthorized break period, friend. You don't work here anymore.
(On the monitor, the startled employee looks around for the source of the voice while Forster presses another button, making a spotlight shine down on the employee)
Forster: (Via microphone) Do we have a problem communicating? You're gone. Terminated. End of medical benefits, that's right. Clean out the desk, one hour. And thanks so much.
"He should've done a background check on the guy; he was the leader of the Illinois Nazis." Sean said a picture of Henry Gibson as the Head Nazi from The Blues Brothers is shown.
"Geez. There's strict and there's that." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then transition to one of the sets in Clamp Center, where we see a B-movie horror show hosted by Grandpa Fred, played by Robert Prosky.
Grandpa Fred (Played by Robert Prosky): The Attack of the Octopus People. That's tonight's movie. And, boy, is it scary. It's so scary, it'll uncross your eyes. It's a good thing that your Grandpa Fred is here to protect you. (Waits for something he expected to hear, but it doesn't happen. He breaks character) Where's the moan?
Director (Played by Joe Dante): The what?
Grandpa Fred: The moan. There's supposed to be a moan here from the coffin. Then I say, "Renfield, you want more flies?" And then I go over to the coffin and I… (Disgusted, he shuts the coffin and sits down)
Director: (Offscreen) Oh. Sorry, Fred. Can somebody find the tape with the moan?
"Who hired this joker to direct my show?" Sean asked, imitating Grandpa Fred.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy goes to talk to Grandpa Fred, who's feeling a bit bummed out because of the new timeslot that the network has his show on, but he has other aspirations in life.
Grandpa Fred: Frankly, kid, this isn't what I had in mind. I went into broadcasting, I thought I was gonna do news, public affairs, something meaningful.
"Hey man, devoting yourself to watch bad movies is a fine aspiration. You think this job is easy for me? I have to review shitty movies that I watched." Sean said.
Grandpa Fred: I don't even have a gimmick.
"Well, sir. I am the critic that rips movies a new one. And if that's not good enough, I'm the critic with the short fuse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Grandpa Fred establishes a little plot point that he mentions to Billy, about a genetic research laboratory upstairs. Also, I just love the fact that the people in the building are just staring at Grandpa Fred like he's some kind of weirdo. I couldn't help but laugh at that.
(A little girl walks past Grandpa Fred and stares at him)
Grandpa Fred: People think I'm creepy.
"Well, you are wearing a Dracula costume and you look like Al Lewis from The Munsters." Sean said.
"Shame they weren't able to get that actor for this part." Brian said while biting into a Western burger. "That would've been hilarious."
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut the genetic research laboratory called the Splice O' Life lab, where…
(We see lab's chief scientist Dr. Cushing Catheter)
Peggy (Played by Julia Sweeney): Dr. Catheter, this just came for you.
Dr. Catheter (Played by Christopher Lee): (Takes the package) Oh, splendid. This must be my malaria… (Opens the package) Just rabies. I've got rabies. And I was supposed to get the flu this week.
"The best damn character of the movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) The late, great Christopher Lee plays Dr. Cushing Catheter, the head scientist of the Splice O' Life lab, and I have to say that this is one of my favorite performances from one of my favorite British actors. I can see why Joe Dante casted him for the role, he is having a lot of fun playing the character. He gets some of the best bits in the movie.
(A montage of clips featuring Dr. Catheter are shown)
Dr. Catheter: Back order. Back order. All a man wants is some fresh germs./If only we could make it safe to touch them. Still, they'd be good in flashlights, wouldn't they?/I leave you alone, what do I find when I get back? Chaos!/The horror! The horror… the breakage!
"You want to know what's funny? They have some guy dressed as Dracula downstairs, and you have the Hammer Dracula upstairs working in a genetics lab. I can deal with the Hammer Dracula as a mad scientist." Sean said.
(Dr. Catheter comes over to a pair of twin scientists named Martin and Lewis)
Dr. Catheter: Martin.
Martin: Hello, doctor.
Dr. Catheter: How's the cloning coming along?
Lewis (Played by Dan Stanton): Really well, doctor.
"You have twin scientists named Martin and Lewis. Get it? They're named after Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Better keep an eye on the other twin, that might be the T-1000 posing as him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They're also the ones that went downtown and picked up Gizmo and they're very excited to show him to Dr. Catheter.
Dr. Catheter: Cute, isn't it?
Martin: That may be genetic.
Lewis: We're not sure yet.
Martin: We're not sure.
Lewis: Watch this, doctor.
(Martin opens the side door of Gizmo's cage while Lewis turns on the tape player. Gizmo hears the song "I'm Ready" by Fats Domino playing and he starts to playfully dance out of the cage)
Dr. Catheter: He likes this music?
Lewis: Yes.
Martin: It's his favorite.
"Originally, Gizmo was supposed to dance to Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself", but Joe Dante was unable to use the song because Idol denied the filmmakers permission to use the song. So, they went with Fats Domino and it fits perfect. Now that I think about it, I wonder what it would be like if Gizmo danced to Billy Idol." Sean said.
(We cut to Gizmo dancing to "Dancing with Myself" instead of "I'm Ready". Suddenly, we're cut to another screen where it says "This video is no longer available due to copyright claim" with the YouTube sad face)
Sean: (Off-screen) Oh, bullshit!
Sean: (Narrating) Gizmo tries to make a run for it, but he is stopped by Dr. Catheter, who has his ways to make him suffer.
Dr. Catheter: And for that, my little friend… we'll just have to cut you.
(Gizmo becomes terrified by the mad scientist)
"Only in a Gremlins movie can Christopher Lee be terrifying to something so adorable." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Billy, he's talking to Kate on the company phone while dealing with some of the things malfunctioning in the building.
(The lights in Billy's office cubicle goes out)
Billy Peltzer: Honey, my light went out.
Kate Beringer: (On the video phone) You sat still for too long. The building thinks that you left. It's saving energy. Jump around.
Billy Peltzer: Okay, hold on.
(Billy jumps around and the light comes back on)
Billy Peltzer: Hey, you're right, honey.
(Suddenly, the video screen goes static)
Billy Peltzer: Hello? Hello? Honey? Hello? Kate, are you there? Kate? (Hangs up) Nothing works around here.
"Are you sure that your father didn't invent the Peltzer Video Phone for Clamp?" Sean asked.
(Suddenly, Billy starts hearing the messenger whistling Gizmo's song. He looks over at the cubicle partition and asks the messenger)
Billy Peltzer: Uh, excuse me? Excuse me? Where'd you hear that?
Messenger (Played by Raymond Cruz): Uh, what?
Billy Peltzer: That music. Where did you hear it?
Messenger: Oh, uh… (Sings the song) Isn't that by Sting?
Billy Peltzer: No. It's not by Sting. Think.
Messenger: Oh, wait, I know. I was up in that laboratory. You know, on 51. And somebody was like humming it.
"Are you sure it wasn't a song by Sting?" Sean asked, imitating Billy.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy heads up to the genetics lab, pretending that their copier is down and he's here to fix it so he can look for Gizmo.
Billy Peltzer: Gizmo, I'm here.
(Billy lifts up the cover on the cage, only to get a glimpse of a giant spider due to a growth-hormone experiment)
"Jesus Christ! That spider is as big as the spiders in Australia! What? I hate spiders." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Billy eventually finds Gizmo and he swipes him out of there, but before he leaves, he creates a little diversion by releasing the monkeys.
(Dr. Catheter, Martin and Lewis see that the monkeys are running loose)
Lewis: Theodore! How did you get out?
Martin: Alvin, put down that DNA!
"Well, there you go. That's how the Chipettes were born." Sean said as a picture of The Chipettes from Alvin and the Chipmunks are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Gizmo reunite and he learns that the lab wasn't the happiest place of all and he plans on taking him home with him. But that's got to wait later when Daniel Clamp make an appearance to check on his workers and immediately he takes a liking to Billy after seeing his Chinatown concept.
Daniel Clamp: This is excellent!
Marla Bloodstone: Isn't that terrific?
Daniel Clamp: You've captured the whole essence of the project right here. Look at the kids with the kites. That's warmth. I like warmth.
"And Daniel Clamp is a really nice guy. And in real life, John Glover is a real nice guy too and pretty fun as well. I actually met him at the Cincinnati Comic Expo three years ago." Sean said.
"Lucky dog." Brian said.
(Gizmo's drawer rattles open as Billy, Marla and Mr. Clamp notices)
Daniel Clamp: What's with that drawer?
(Billy snaps it shut)
Billy Peltzer: It's automatic. It opens every now and then in case you need something.
Daniel Clamp: Hmm. Huh. (Chuckles) I didn't know about that.
"When did they install these automatic drawers? Whoever came up with that idea is a genius." Sean said, imitating Daniel Clamp.
Sean: (Narrating) Marla is impressed with Billy and she invites him for dinner and she isn't taking no for an answer.
Marla Bloodstone: Billy.
Billy Peltzer: Yeah…
(Billy turns to Marla and he sees that she changed her appearance. Her glasses are off of her face and her hair, giving her that seductive look)
Marla Bloodstone: Ready?
"Jesus! Desperation much, lady?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While Gizmo climbs out of the drawer so he can roam around Billy's office to check it out, Billy tells Kate that he's got a meeting with some people and also that Gizmo is back and she gets to take him home.
Kate Beringer: Take him home? Our home?
Billy Peltzer: Yes.
Kate Beringer: (Laughs for a bit) Billy! (Stops laughing) No!
Billy Peltzer: Why not?
Kate Beringer: Are you kidding? What if they start running around New York?
Billy Peltzer: No, no, no, no, no, honey. There aren't gonna be any more of those things, I promise. Just obey the rules, that's all.
Kate Beringer: Oh, the rules.
"Except the first one about exposing them to sunlight. That doesn't mean jack shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Gizmo is roaming around the office until he sees a janitor, played by John Astin, trying to get a sip of water, but then he gets sprayed in the face and while he fixing it, Gizmo ends up getting wet. Yeah, that rule still applies. And we get to see the new batch.
(We see the new Mogwais with different personalities)
"Okay, I would just like to point out that I love the design of the Mogwais in this one, it is an improvement." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Special effects artist Chris Walas, who worked on the design of the Gremlins in the first one was originally supposed to return, but he was busy working on The Fly II. So instead, they hired Rick Baker for this one and they look amazing. I like how each Mogwai has a different personality so you can tell which one is which. You have George, who's personality is based on Edward G. Robinson, Lenny as the dumb one, Daffy as the psychotic one...
"And let's not forget the one with the white stripe on his head... what the hell?!" Sean asked.
Gizmo: Uh-oh.
(We see the last Mogwai with the white mohawk on it's head, named Mohawk, crawl out of the garbage can)
"Aaaaah! It's Stripe!" Sean screamed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, his name is Mohawk and he's voiced by Frank Welker. Mohawk is an incarnation of Stripe from the first film. But for this review, I'm gonna call him Stripe 2.0.
"Why am I gonna call him Stripe 2.0 for this review? Because he's out for revenge and he wants Gizmo to pay for what he did to him in the last film." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Mohawk a.k.a. Stripe 2.0) I'm going to make your life a living hell, Gizmo. I'm gonna make you my bitch!
(Mohawk and George push Gizmo into a vent while Lenny slams the grate back into place, imprisoning him and the three of them tease him through the grate and leave)
"Glad that they got Rick Baker for the special effects for this one." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kate heads to Billy's office to pick up Gizmo and she ends up taking Daffy home with her.
"Wait… wha… what?! You mean to tell me that she couldn't tell the difference between these two? Excuse me for one second." Sean said.
The young critic gets up from off of the couch and heads into the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator door to grab a bottle of Capri-Sun fruit punch and grabs himself a red Solo cup. Sean starts by pouring some Capri-Sun into his cup, then he grabs a bottle of vodka and pours some into the cup to mix with the fruit punch. After that, he started to drink his drink in one big gulp before heading back to the living room before he bursts into anger.
"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TWO?!" Sean screamed out.
Sean: (Narrating) You have two Mogwais. One is a sweetheart while the other is batshit insane! And you couldn't tell from the different fur color and how he's acting?
(A clip from UHF is shown)
Kuni (Played by Gedde Watanabe): STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!
"Well, there you go. I had to play that clip from UHF due to Kate's stupidity. That part still baffles me to this day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Billy, he's having dinner with Marla in a Canadian restaurant and they get to know each other outside of the office and she gets a little too close to Billy.
Marla Bloodstone: Gosh. I'm feeling so vulnerable with you, Billy. I've never talked about these feelings before. You know, when art and business join forces, anything can happen.
Billy Peltzer: Well, I definitely feel that we should join…
(The camera cuts to Mara's stockinged foot against Billy's crotch)
Billy Peltzer: …forces.
"Yo! I don't care if you're outside of the workplace but that's sexual harassment right there, lady. Haven't you seen the movie Disclosure? Well, Disclosure came out four years after Gremlins 2 and the book came out in 1994. But still, that's sexual harassment." Sean said.
(Suddenly, a waiter dressed as a Canadian Mountie appears at Billy's side, holding a platter that contains a large moose head sculpted out of chocolate. Billy gets startled by the moose, he ends ups spilling beer in his lap while Marla quickly moves her foot away)
Mountie Waiter (Played by Joel Brooks): Sir? This is our favorite Canadian dessert, chocolate mousse. Can I cut you an antler?
Billy Peltzer: Oh, um. No, thank you.
Mountie Waiter: Are you okay? Do you want another Molson, eh?
Billy Peltzer: No, thanks. Really, I'm fine. (To Marla) Look, Marla. I gotta go. I got this appointment and I-I just… I'm kind of in a hurry. I'm sorry about your shoe or your stocking.
Marla Bloodstone: That's okay, Billy.
(Marla grabs Billy by his tie, pulling him down close to her as she plants a kiss on his cheek, leaving a lipstick imprint)
"Yeah, try explaining that lipstick imprint to your fiancée there, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Kate, she brings Daffy home with her and immediately, he starts going crazy and she even feeds him, to the point where he starts throwing food at her…
"I'm sorry, but how could you get these two mixed up? That's not Gizmo!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy returns home after his little meeting and he comes home to see Gizmo, only to realize that there's something up with this one.
Billy Peltzer: Kate, where did you find this guy?
Kate Beringer: In your office, where you said.
Billy Peltzer: Well, this is not Gizmo.
"Really? No shit, Sherlock!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Kate get ready to head back to the building to return Daffy and look for Gizmo. But all that has to wait when Murray Futterman, played by the late Dick Miller, and his wife Sheila played by Jackie Joseph, drop by to visit Billy and Kate and Murray drops some crazy exposition.
Murray Futterman (Played by Dick Miller): We tried to get a cab up here. Do you know they got Russian guys driving cabs in this burg. I mean, what if someone got in a cab with a briefcase full of atomic secrets or something like that? Don't people care about that anymore?
"Boy, that line is so dated." Sean said. "Remember when we were afraid of Russians back then?"
(Daffy starts laughing and Murray hears it. He gets a little jumpy)
Murray Futterman: What was that?
Sheila Futterman (Played by Jackie Joseph): It's all right, dear. I heard it too.
Murray Futterman: Of course you heard it too! What does that mean?
"I think it means that you're hearing things. Or maybe you're just plain 'ol looney." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Kate tell them that the apartment is being fumigated or renovated, so the Futtermans check into a hotel. And we do get a mention of Billy's parents.
Murray Futterman: Your mom baked you an apple pie.
(Murray hands Billy a bag that contains an apple pie sent by his mother from Kingston Falls)
Billy Peltzer: Thanks.
Murray Futterman: Somebody sat on it on the bus. I'm sure it'll taste okay, though. And your dad's gonna write you. He's got some new inventions he's working on. Reversable toilet paper or something. Look it, how about we'll call you tomorrow night, we'll get together and have dinner, okay?
"Fun fact: originally Rand Peltzer was expected to make a cameo at the end of the movie and that he has invented a suit for Gizmo that would allow him to come into contact with water safely. But the scene was not shot and the producers decided that it was unnecessary." Sean said. "But you know, it would've been great to see Hoyt Axton reprise his role from the first film."
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Clamp Center, we see some teenage yogurt jerks serving customers and one of them is played by Jason Presson, who you might recognize him as Darren Woods from another Joe Dante movie, Explorers. Also, you have Heather Haase who played Ricky Butler's girlfriend from The 'Burbs, that's another Joe Dante movie.
Female Yogurt Jerk (Played by Heather Haase): Okay, so that's a Kona praline, add banana, berries with kiwis and peanut butter cups, right?
Female Customer #1 (Played by Lisa Mende): Yeah. Oh, wait, are the peanut butter cups all-natural?
Female Yogurt Jerk: I'm not sure. Alex, are the peanut butter cups all-natural?
Male Yogurt Jerk (Alex) (Played by Jason Presson): I think so. I know they're pesticide-free.
"Well, what about the M ? Are they all-natural? I gotta have stuff that's all-natural. In fact, what's in this yogurt?" Sean asked, imitating the female customer.
(During the conversation, we see Lenny and George using an apron to pull down on one of the spigots on the yogurt machine as a stream of yogurt falls into Lenny's mouth)
Sean: (V/O as Lenny) This yogurt is good, George. This yogurt is good. (V/O as George) Hey, save some yogurt for me, you big oaf.
(Suddenly, a furry paw reaches up to scoop some M from a topping bin)
Female Customer #2 (Played by Patricka Darbo): It's a rat!
(The paw sinks back into the M )
Female Customer: Oh, my God!
Male Customer (Played by Jerry Goldsmith): What's going on? Did she say there are rats?
"And we got ourselves a little cameo from Jerry Goldsmith, one of my favorite composers of all time." Sean said.
"I love how he's making fun of a lot of things from the first film." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Stripe 2.0 scares the hell out of everybody, Billy and Kate arrive at the building and they head down to the sub-basement to shut down the water main to keep them from getting wet. But then they're forgetting about the building's security system and they catch Billy on camera, so they send security to arrest him.
Security Guard (Played by Rick Ducommun): Looks like I caught me a little terrorist, huh. What's in the bag?
Billy Peltzer: (Looks at the bag) Nothing.
Security Guard: Oh, yeah? Well, let's have a little look at that nothing. Give me it.
Billy Peltzer: I really wouldn't do this if I were you.
Security Guard: Yeah, but you aren't me, are you?
(The security guard opens the bag and looks down into it, then Daffy jumps out and bites him on the nose. The guard screams and fires his gun repeatedly at the ceiling while Daffy attacks him)
"Okay, that's the second movie that I reviewed on this show that involved somebody getting bit on the nose and this one's the funniest." Sean said.
(Daffy runs off as the guard shoots at him)
Billy Peltzer: Oh, no. Listen, we gotta find him before he eats something
Security Guard: He already ate something!
Billy Peltzer: There more of these things in here. We gotta shut the building down.
Security Guard: We? We? We!
"What's all this "we" crap? Like I'm gonna work with the guy who starred in Mortal Passions." Sean said, imitating the security guard.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Billy gets hauled into jail and we see that the Mogwais have taken their cocoon form. The next day, Kate bails Billy out of jail with next month's rent and they rush over to Clamp Center right when we see the new batch getting ready to hatch. Meanwhile, Gizmo traverses through the vents like he's John McClane from Die Hard.
Gizmo: Echo!
Sean: (V/O as Gizmo's echo) Echo! Echo!
(Gizmo keeps waking through the vent until he falls down a tall vertical drop)
Sean: (V/O as Gizmo) Dang it! I didn't even get to do my Die Hard line!
(Gizmo lands on a hard concrete floor and he sees something dripping from above, it's one of the cocoons in the basement wall crevice. Gizmo backs away until a green claw taps him on his head)
Mohawk: (Off-screen) Gizmo… (Voiced replaced with Scorpion's voice from Mortal Kombat) GET OVER HERE!
(Mohawk grabs Gizmo from behind and starts beating him offscreen)
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Kate grab themselves some flashlights for what they're about to deal with, but then Marla approaches him to greet him.
Marla Bloodstone: Good morning, Billy.
Billy Peltzer: Oh, hi.
Marla Bloodstone: Last night was so wonderful. We have to do it again.
Billy Peltzer: Uh, Marla, this is Kate. This is my…
"She's my sister… I mean, she's my baby mama. Shit, I mean, she's my fuck buddy! Ooh, I'm gonna be sleeping on the couch when this is all over." Sean said, imitating Billy.
Billy Peltzer: Honey, that's my boss. I mean, that's the woman that I work with.
Kate Beringer: Billy, if we get through today alive, you're in big trouble.
(Kate walks away)
Billy Peltzer: But honey, you don't think that…
"All she did was give me a footjob with her stockinged foot. That's all she did. God, I'm a dead man!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Billy once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy heads down to systems control to speak with to tell him to evacuate the building because there are creatures in it and he doesn't believe him. And I love this scene. I love how they're questioning the rules and the movie makes fun of it. Hell, one of the technicians questions Billy.
Forster's Technician #1 (Played by Archie Hahn): Wait a minute, what about this? What if they're in an airplane and they cross a time zone? I mean, it's always midnight somewhere.
"I have to say this, that is an interesting question. That dude made a good point" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Stripe 2.0, who's in his Gremlin form, bursts out of the console and tells the guy to "Shut the hell. Stop thinking about the rules because they don't matter.".
(Mohawk punches the technician in the face, knocking him out cold)
Forster: Peltzer, is this…?
Billy Peltzer: Yes.
(Billy grabs the building-shaped flashlight and points it at Mohawk)
Sean: (V/O as Mohawk) I remember you, boy! I still haven't forgotten about trying to kill you…
(Billy shines the light at Mohawk, who recoils and flees out of the control center)
Sean: (V/O as Mohawk) Oh, you shitface! I hate bright lights! I'll be back, dickless!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kate is leading tour group into the Clamp Cable TV operation while a Japanese tourist by the name of Katsuji, played by Gedde Watanabe, starts photographing the hell out of everything and they head into the studio where they're filming a show called "Microwave With Marge", hosted by Microwave Marge, played by Kathleen Freeman.
Microwave Marge (Played by Kathleen Freeman): Before we had microwaves, this used to take forever. But now, we can make the same tuna-noodle-cheese-product-chowder surprise in just a few minutes.
"The "surprise" is the sherry wine that she poured into that big-ass soup pot and she poured a lot into it." Sean said.
(The lights on the set suddenly dim)
Microwave Marge: What's that? What is that?
Cameraman: Huh? It must be a brownout or something.
Director: It's okay, Marge. We'll do an edit. Pick it up right there.
Microwave Marge: Oh, well. The show must go on. So, let us ladle up some of our chowder-noodle…
(Marge lifts up the lid and jumps back as Gremlin Daffy sits up in the soup pot while wearing a chef's hat and splatters Marge with orange noodle-casserole goo with a turkey baster. The tour group and the crew run out of the studio. Marge backs towards a cabinet as Gremlin George pops out. The turns and sees Gremlin Lenny in an apron)
"Okay, I have to say that the Gremlins in the movie have some of the best designs while keeping their distinct features. But the one who has the best design was Mohawk. He has the most awesome design and I love it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get this movie's parody of the kitchen scene from the first film and instead of a Gremlin getting put in a microwave and exploding in it, the Gremlins start throwing pots and pans into the microwave.
(Lenny accidentally hits George with a frying pan while trying to throw it into the microwave)
Sean: (V/O as George) Ow! You big oaf! You missed the microwave!
(Lenny laughs)
Sean: (V/O as George) Shut up, or I'll throw your ass in the microwave!
(George closes the microwave and starts it up
Lenny: Uh-oh.
(The microwave fills with furious arcs of blue light and explodes)
Microwave Marge: (Screams) Stay here and die! (Runs off)
"Well, at least it's not a can of soup that they put in the microwave." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of the microwave exploding, this sets off the sprinkler system, getting the Gremlins wet and multiply even further, thus creating the new, new batch.
Forster: What the hell is going on?
Forster's Technician (Frances) (Played by Leslie Neale): Uh, look, sir. The pest infestation monitor is reading critical.
(They see an alarmingly rapid proliferation of dots, spreading over the diagram of the building)
Forster: What is that? That could be rats, right?
Forster's Technician (Frances): No, sir. I'm afraid it's not.
Forster: Whatever they are, they've got to respect the chain of command.
"And this is the same guy that went on to play The Doctor on Star Trek: Voyager." Sean said.
(We then cut to Mohawk bullying Gizmo by having his body pinned down on the Xerox machine while it's making copies of him as Mohawk laughs evily)
"Damn, Stripe 2.0 is ruthless. Look at what he's doing to poor Gizmo." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kate enters the elevator to head to the thirty-eighth floor, but the Gremlins start messing with the elevator. Then we cut to Daniel Clamp in his office and I love that he has a bunch of video monitors on the wall in his office and on one of those monitors they're showing It's a Wonderful Life in black and white. Anyway, he's busy talking to his secretary over the phone, but then a Gremlins puts a mouse trap in her sandwich while she's busy shredding some files and he has himself an encounter with a Gremlin.
(Clamp rushes into the outer office after hearing his secretary's scream. He finds a Gremlin, wearing his secretary's pink sweater, sitting in her chair and typing at her computer)
Gremlin: (Banging his fist on the keyboard) A, B, C, D, J, K… (Turns to see Clamp) Coffee?
(The Gremlin grabs a coffee pot of boiling-hot water and flings it at Clamp, who duck behind a wall. The Gremlin laughs and hides while the tycoon approaches the desk)
"You want to know who Daniel Clamp looks like? He looks like that YouTuber Jerma985." Sean said as a picture of Jerma985 is shown next to a picture of Daniel Clamp.
(The Gremlin jumps at Clamp. He starts screaming as he tries to bat it away from him. The Gremlin punches Clamp in the face and bites him on his hand. Clamp pushes the Gremlin back as it's foot gets caught in the secretary's shredder. The Gremlin looks at the camera and screams while's being shredded. Green goo start splattering all over Clamp out of the bottom of the shredder as Clamp pushes the Gremlin down)
Daniel Clamp: Let go of my tie!
"And this is the reason why this movie got a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Forster show up after Clamp shreds the Gremlin to death and he explains the Gremlin situation to him and that they need to get rid of them before sundown, and when it gets dark, they'll leave the building and wreck the hell out of the Big Apple.
Forster: Ask how he know so much about these green things.
Daniel Clamp: That's a good question, Bill. How do you know about them?
Billy Peltzer: Well, you see, sir. There's this animal and it was in the genetics laboratory…
Daniel Clamp: (To Forster) Of course, those guys I've warned you that could be a problem tenant. We could've had three shrinks and a plastic surgeon in there. But no. (Hands Forster his handkerchief) Here.
"I'm not touching that! It looks like it's been covered with Slimer's jizz. You better keep that away from me." Sean said, imitating Forster.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Kate, she's still stuck in the elevator and she realizes that taking the elevator was a bad idea when the Gremlins start screwing around with the elevator and start grabbing at her and because of Daffy's stupidity he brings the elevator down, and with the Gremlins hanging on the bottom, this happens.
(Daffy is busy messing with the elevator control panel, making the elevator fall at an incredible rate with Kate falling through the air inside while she hangs on to dear life)
Daffy: Second floor, lingerie.
(The elevator continues to fall until the elevator car crashes, squishing the Gremlins as green Gremlin blood splatters Kate as it gushes through the shattering floorboards. The elevator doors opens as the two ladies come face to face with Kate)
Clamp Building Announcer: (Via intercom) The elevator doors have opened. Please leave and watch your step.
Lady at Elevator (Played by Jacque Lynn Colton): We'll…. We'll get the next one.
(The woman and her friend leave to get the next elevator)
"Should've taken the stairs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Clamp tells Billy and Forster that he wants the Gremlin problem taken care of discreetly. Which means no cops and no media. But enough about the Gremlin problem as we cut to movie review show hosted by Leonard Maltin and he's reviewing Gremlins. And I just love that little cameo because when the first Gremlins was released, Maltin didn't care for it because he thought it was inappropriate for families with children and Joe Dante considered this criticism unfair, so when the second film came out, the hatchet was buried and he had a little cameo in it, he was a good sport.
Leonard Maltin: (On Gremlins) Now, I know some people sound this movie fun, but me, I'd rather spend two hours having root canal work done. What's fun about a movie full of ugly, slimy, mean-spirited, gloppy little monsters who ruin amuck and attack innocent people.
(Two real Gremlins have snuck into the studio and start mocking Leonard Maltin for giving their film a scathing review)
Leonard Maltin: Are we movie goers so desperate for entertainment that this trash passes for fun?
(A third Gremlin pulls him down with a roll of film reel and they start attacking Maltin by savagely biting at him. It then cuts to static with a Gremlin's face on it while Leonard is shouting)
Leonard Maltin: (While being attacked) Wait a minute! I was just kidding! Ow! It's a 10! It's a 10!
"And just like that, the Gremlins killed Leonard Maltin for hating on their movie." Sean said.
(We cut to a hardware store where a sign that reads "Velcro 2-for-1 Special" as we see Mohawk ripping Velcro off Gizmo as the little Mogwai yelps)
"Like I said, this dude is ruthless." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Gremlins raid the genetics lab and they start drinking the potions. This is where all the craziness comes to play. They're in a genetics lab since it specializes in changes stuff, it changes some of the Gremlins. You have one that's a vegetable Gremlin and the best damn Gremlin of all time, aside from Mohawk. We get the Brain Gremlin voiced by Tony Randall and he's easily my favorite character in the movie
(After drinking the brain serum, the Gremlin stands up wearing a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and starts speaking fluently in a new voice)
Brain Gremlin (Voiced by Tony Randall): I… wanna… (Talks smart) talk a little bit about what's going on in this room. Because I think there are some fascinating ramifications here for the future.
"He was the most civilized Gremlin in the movie and he was the best thing in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the fact that they got Tony Randall to voice the character is what makes this character good. Hell, he's so awesome that he was in a Clarion Hotel commercial.
(Cut to the Clarion Hotel commercial promoting Gremlins 2)
Brain Gremlin: As the star of this summer's wildest movie, take it from me. When you take your little Gremlins on vacation, stay at a Quality, Comfort, Clarion or Sleep Hotel, because Gremlins 18 and under stay free, but never, never feed them after midnight.
Sean: (Narrating) They even had him do a TV spot for the movie with him saying his the big new star of the movie.
(Cut to a Gremlins 2 TV spot)
Brain Gremlin: Hello, everyone. I'm the big new star of the big new movie Gremlins 2: The New Batch. And here's someone very special to tell you all about it. (Holds a Gizmo puppet and does a goofy voice) Boy, this is a really good movie. (Speaks in a normal voice and throws the puppet in a drawer next to Gizmo) And there you have it! Unsolicited testimonial from Gizmo himself, so listen to Gizmo. You know he'd never lie to anyone. (Laughs)
"Yeah, you got three of the best characters in the movie and Brain Gremlin is the number one guy." Sean said.
Dave, who's dressed as Bob from Batman walks into the living room from Sean's right and just looks at him in total silence before Sean turned his attention to him.
"What?" Sean asked.
"I thought I was the number one guy." Dave/Bob said.
"You are. You are. You're my number one guy." Sean said.
"Well, that's good." Dave/Bob said.
"And I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to do this." Sean said as he picks up his Beretta 92FS Inox semi-auto pistol and shoots Dave/Bob in the chest. "I'm sorry. I had to. He lost Taylor's balloons."
Sean: (Narrating) Also, we get a Bat-Gremlin. Yes, I said it. A Bat-Gremlin and when Brain Gremlin sees this, he has an idea.
Brain Gremlin: (To the Bat-Gremlin) Might I have a brief word with you? My friend, you have potential. I wanna help you be all that you can be. May I? As I'm sure you're aware, sunlight poses a problem for our ethnic group. We don't tan, we don't burn. Frankly, we just become a rather unappetizing photochemical leftover. Thus, this formula, specially designed for those of nocturnal persuasion to make bright light no problem whatever. That will be of crucial usefulness where you'll be going.
(He injects the sunblock formula into the Bat-Gremlin's neck)
"A Bat-Gremlin who will not be affected by the sunlight. Now, that's pretty interesting. Like I said, the rules don't mean jack shit in this movie." Sean said.
Brain Gremlin: There it is, the Apple, the city so nice, they named it twice. Check it out one time, won't you?
(The Bat-Gremlin does and takes off, soaring near the ceiling)
Dr. Catheter: Catch it Don't let it get away!
Martin: Down!
Lewis: Down!
(It smashes through the window, leaving the Batman symbol in the glass window)
"Okay, that's my favorite gag in the movie. But don't worry, the best gag is yet until later on in the movie, trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the Gremlins are running rampant throughout the building, terrorizing everyone, including Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith while they're getting some salad at the salad bar. Kate runs down the hallway throughout the chaos and we get some random sounds from people getting attacked by Gremlins.
(We see one of the workers getting attacked by a Gremlin while he gets off the elevator. He makes a James Brown-scream, then we see another worker covered with Gremlins falling down as he lets out a Wilhelm scream)
"We have both a James Brown-scream and a Wilhelm scream. I'm pretty sure we can add in a Goofy Holler. That'll work." Sean said.
(Kate comes across a Gremlin who flashes at her as the caption "First Movie!" appears on screen)
Sean: (V/O) First movie did it!
(Kate ends up kicking the Flasher Gremlin in the balls, which sends him flying while the Goofy Holler plays in the background)
"Hey, I had to just to make this review ridiculous." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kate sets off the fire alarm, which sends everybody into a panic thinking that the building is on fire. Meanwhile, we cut to Mr. and Mrs. Futterman doing some sightseeing when they check out the old cathedral of Saint Eva Marie, until he sees a Bat-Gremlin flying right towards him and starts attacking him.
(The Bat-Gremlin starts attacking Murray as he tries batting it away from him. The New Yorkers on the sidewalk walk past him, oblivious to what's happening right in front of them)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, let's not help the guy who survived a Gremlin attack from a Bat-Gremlin. Boy, New Yorkers are assholes!
(The Bat-Gremlin slashes Murray's head during the scuffle)
"Boy, talk about a real head scratcher." Sean said as the audience boos at his bad pun. "What? What?! Come on! Admit it, that was a good pun!"
Suddenly, three Gremlins appear from behind the couch as they start attacking the young critic.
"Hey, hey, hey! Ow! That hurt! Quit it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Sean cried out while the Gremlins continue to attack him, savagely clawing at him.
(We cut to a title card that reads "A Few Moments Later")
Brian: (V/O as Brain Gremlin) A few moments later…
We then cut back to Sean, who's arm is bandaged, his head cut and his lip bleeding. His shirt is ripped from them clawing at him.
"God, I hate these Gremlins" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Murray gets the Bat-Gremlin back and he covers the creature in cement, giving us another pretty funny gag.
(The Bat-Gremlin flies up to the cathedral and sits on his perch as the cement solidifies, turning him into a gargoyle for real)
"Well, New York's got another gargoyle. Hopefully, this one doesn't come to life at night." Sean said.
(The next scene cuts to a toy store as we see George making a Gremlin out of Lego bricks. He finishes it as Lenny pops out of a toy dump truck, knocking him over and making the Lego Gremlin crash into pieces)
Sean: (V/O as George) Aaaah! You numbskull! I just worked on that damn thing!
Brian: (V/O as Lenny) Sorry, George.
(We then cut to Mohawk, who's busy torturing Gizmo, who was tied to a toy train track, by controlling a model train and hitting him. Mohawk laughs evily and runs off)
"Like I said, fucking ruthless!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Forster bump into Dr. Catheter, who just lost his mind after seeing the little green demons and I absolutely love Christopher Lee. It is funny just watching him going nuts over the Gremlins.
Dr. Catheter: (Grabs Billy's shirt) I swear to God, young man, I will never hurt anything ever again. There's some things that man is not meant to splice.
Forster: He is a problem tenant.
Billy Peltzer: Sir, please try and calm down.
Forster: We don't intend to renew your lease.
Billy Peltzer: Just tell us where you saw the things.
Dr. Catheter: Don't patronize me, young man! They're real, I saw them.
(Suddenly, the frame starts to jitter, as there's something wrong with the projector)
Billy Peltzer: (Voice distorted) I know, I've seen them too…
"What the…" Sean said with a confused look on his face.
Dr. Catheter: In my laboratory, the Splice O' Life. It's a stupid name, I know. But it wasn't my idea.
(The film freezes, caught in the gate as a burn spot appears, consuming the image of Bill and the others)
"Okay, I think there's something wrong with the DVD. Oh, great. There goes my review!" Sean yelled out.
(The frame fills with white light and in stereo surrounds, we hear the sounds of Gremlin laughter and the silhouettes of the creatures appear on the screen)
"Huh? Did the Gremlins take over the movie?!" Sean exclaimed.
(The Gremlins start making shadow puppets with their claws and laughing)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is one of the best highlights of the movie and even the most memorable when the Gremlins start taking over the movie and they replace it with an old nudie film. Plus, the bit with the mother dragging her kid out of the movie theater was based on something that happened in real life when the first film came out.
Movie Theater Kid (Played by Nicky Rose): Mom! I wanna see the Gremlins!
Movie Theater Mom (Played by Brenda Balaski): Uh, sir…
Movie Theater Kid: Mom!
Movie Theater Mom: I can't believe this! I mean… this is worse than the first one!
"Sounds like every parent who took their kid to see Gremlins 2." Sean said.
Theater Manager (Played by Paul Bartel): We just show these movies, madam. We don't make them.
Movie Theater Mom: But…
(The projectionist staggers up to the manager while he's covered in film)
Projectionist (Played by Kenneth Tobey): I quit. I quit. Call- - call the union. Call the National Guard. Those things have taken over the projector! They refuse to show the rest of the film! All they wanna see is Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
Theater Manager: Enough! I'll take care of this.
"Well, you better hurry up! People are about to storm out of the theater from watching Rachel Zegler as Snow White." Sean said, imitating the projectionist.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, we get the greatest cameo ever. What better way to solve your Gremlin problem, is by sending Hulk Hogan out to get them.
Theater Manager: Mr. Hulk, we have Gremlins in the projection booth. Would you help us?
Hulk Hogan: Gremlins? In this theater? Now? (Turns his attention to the Gremlins in the booth) Okay, you guys! Listen up! People paid good money to see this movie. When they go out to a theater, they want cold sodas, hot popcorn and no monster in the projection booth. Do I have to come up there myself? (Rips his shirt off) Do you think the Gremsters can stand up to the Hulkster? Well, if I were you. I'd run the rest of Gremlins 2, right now!
Gremlins in Booth: Awwww!
(The movie shuts off)
Hulk Hogan: (To the audience) Sorry, folks. It won't happen again.
(The audience applauds and cheers)
"Okay, whoever came up with the idea of Hulk Hogan having a cameo in this movie, that person is a raging psychopath. Now this is how you break the fourth wall in style." Sean said.
(The alternate version of the scene that was featured on the VHS is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I would also like to point out that there's an alternate version of the Gremlins taking over the movie, which was on the VHS version. That was the one that I definitely remember seeing. Because when I rented it from Blockbuster, I thought there was something wrong with the tape, but it was actually part of the movie. And instead of Hulk Hogan taking on the Gremlins, you have John Wayne taking on the Gremlins. Plus, I love the little bit where they added a clip from the Looney Tunes short Falling Hare.
"Then, you have the novelization of the movie where Brain Gremlin hijacks the story and locks the author in the bathroom. And this is a show on YouTube. Well, you have the writer of this story writing it. Besides, there's no way that they…"
Well, hello to you advent readers of Fanfiction. The writer, Mr. James Stryker, has been indisposed. He won't be coming back to Fanfiction anymore. Therefore, I am taking over his Fanfiction. Do not attempt to reload your browser. We are in control. I am so sorry, now where are my manners. You all know me as the Brain Gremlin, the big new star of the new big film Gremlins 2: The New Batch. I have gotten rid of Mr. Stryker's stories that were packed with disgusting filth. I will be bringing you some of the classiest stories. I'm talking about real stories. Now, the story that I will be bringing you is a little romantic-comedy for the Bold and the Beautiful category, and it's a Will/Electra fanfic filled with fashion, sex and murder…
Oh, dear. It seems that Mr. Stryker has successfully escaped his room and he's armed with a submachine gun. I think I need to fly back to New York and return his laptop to him. Don't worry, I made backups of his stories so he won't kill me. Farewell and good lu…
"See? Kind of like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie resumes as Grandpa Fred sees that none of the news footage covering the cast and the tower inside, so he realizes that his big break is right now, so the first and only cameraman that he finds is Mr. Katsuji and he's going to be his cameraman. While that's going on, we cut back to the Gremlins in the genetics lab, where the batshit insanity continues as we see them taking on some new forms. You have an Electric Gremlin, a Gremlin that becomes the Phantom of the Opera after getting acid thrown in his face and of course you've got the sexy female Gremlin, who has her eyes set for Forster.
(The female Gremlin named Greta develops a crush on Forster)
Greta: What a hunk.
(Forster turns around and sees Greta with a shocked look on his face. She jums onto Forster and tries to kiss him)
"Uh, is it wrong that I think that Greta Gremlin is hot?" Sean asked, then he realized what he just said. "Uh, what the hell did I just say? Did I just say that a female Gremlin is hot? No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm not supposed to find sexy female Gremlins hot! I mean, Gremlins don't have sex organs. Yeah, let's forget about my comment and just move on."
Sean: (Narrating) While Forster has Greta latching onto him, Billy and Dr. Catheter try to stop the Gremlins with some firepower since they've destroyed all of the bright lights. But, it doesn't go so well.
(Dr. Catheter screams as he takes his arm out of the cabinet with a Gremlin attached by the teeth and he tries to shake it off)
Dr. Catheter: Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
(Billy pulls the Gremlin off of Dr. Catheter's arm and throws him. Then, the Electric Gremlin surges out of a desk lamp and zaps Catheter, electrocuting him to death)
"A moment of silence for the best damn character of the movie." Sean said as he hangs his head briefly while a shot of Dr. Catheter with the text "RIP Dr. Cushing Catheter" appears next to him as somber violin music plays in the background.
(Suddenly, a shot rang out as Billy ducks down and sees Mohawk with an Uzi)
Mohawk (Voiced by Frank Welker): Bang! Bang!
(Mohawk shoots at Billy while he runs out of the lab while avoiding the bullets. Some of the bullets miss some of the vials of the genetics potions and missing the other Gremlins. Mohawk laughs evilly and grabs a vial with a spider insignia)
Mohawk: Yum.
(We cut to the other Gremlins as we see one drinking one of the potions as it starts to spray out of him like a Looney Tunes cartoon. The other two Gremlins laugh while the Gremlin who got shot looks down and sees this and starts to laugh)
"Worked better for Dorian from The Mask. But then he sucked up the bullets and fired them back at his boss." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gizmo gets fed up with the other Gremlins pushing him around and decides to fight back after remembering what Rambo said and he prepares himself for his big hero moment. But enough about Gizmo as we cut back to Mr. Clamp as he tries to keep the Gremlin situation under wraps, but it's not a secret now since Grandpa Fred is doing a report on them from inside the building for the world to see. And you remember that spider vial that Stripe 2.0 took from the genetics lab?
(Mohawk drinks up the spider vial. He starts choking and as the camera pans to the wall, his shadow starts to grow spider legs while "Angel of Death" by Slayer plays in the background)
"We'll get back to him later. I just wanted to hear Slayer's "Angel of Death" while the scene plays." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy updates Mr. Clamp on the situation and tells him that things are going bad and Mr. Clamp is worried about the situation and how many lawsuits that they're going to be looking at. However…
Billy: Yes, sir. I know, but…
(Billy sees the Electric Gremlin emerging from a wall socket behind Clamp. Clamp turns to see the Electric Gremlin coming straight at him, but Billy grabs the receiver of a videophone, holding it up in the Electric Gremlin's path and disappears inside and shows up an instant later on the video-phone's screen)
Recorded Voice: All of our operators are busy. Your call will be handled in the order received.
Daniel Clamp: What is that?
Billy Peltzer: It's one of those things.
Daniel Clamp: They come in electric too?
Billy Peltzer: They do now.
"Don't worry, they'll just save him for the climax. And trust me, it'll be electrifying." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy and Mr. Clamp discuss the plan on how to deal with the Gremlins. Billy thinks that if they could turn the clocks ahead and fool them into thinking that the sun has gone down, and when they head to the lobby, the sunlight will kill them all.
Daniel Clamp: The sun sets at 7:32.
Billy Peltzer: Then, we should make out move at say 4:20
Daniel Clamp: Oh, I like that.
"Well, of course you like that because Billy suggested it." Sean said.
Billy Peltzer: You know, sir.
Daniel Clamp: Yes, Bill?
Billy Peltzer: If you pull this off, you could save the city.
Daniel Clamp: Save the city? "Developer Saves City." I like that! Good!
"Oh, yeah. He'll definitely like that. He'll also like the idea about running for president. And he'll be a good one too." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Marla is walking down a dim corridor and yelling out for light until she gets herself caught up in a web.
Marla Bloodstone: This is new.
"Is Spider-Man shooting webs inside the building?" Sean asked, imitating Marla. "If he is, then tell him to stop."
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Clamp emerges from his secret exit from an elevator hidden under a tree as the news reporters spot him and they interview him on what's going on, giving Murray the opportunity to go inside the elevator and make his way inside. Meanwhile, Billy is roaming throughout the building to look for Gizmo, but he ends up getting knocked out by Daffy. Meanwhile, we cut to Grandpa Fred interviewing the Brain Gremlin and asks him what he wants.
Brain Gremlin: Fred, what we want is, I think, what everyone wants and what you and your viewers have: Civilization.
Grandpa Fred: Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of, Creature?
Brain Gremlin: The niceties. The finer point- - Diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition. That's what we're reaching toward. Oh, we may stumble along the way, but civilization, yes- - the Geneva Convention, chamber music, Susan Sontag. Everything your society has worked so hard to accomplish over the centuries. That's what we aspire to. We want to be civilized. I mean, take a look at this fellow here.
(A dopey Gremlin pops up to ruin the interview. But then the Brain Gremlin pulls out a gun and shoots the dopey Gremlin. Mr. Katsuji hides behind the camera and we cut to the Gremlins sitting at a bar laughing)
Brain Gremlin: Now was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no sense civilized.
"And there you go. You got your line for the trailer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Billy, we see that tied to a chair in the dentist's office and he gets a visit from Dr. Daffy.
(Daffy, who's dressed as a dentist, revs up the high-speed drill and starts moving in on Billy while he flails desperately)
Daffy: Is it safe?
"Okay, that Marathon Man reference never fails to make me laugh." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Mr. Futterman swoops in to save Billy and uses a bright light on Daffy. Meanwhile, Kate is looking for Billy until she comes across Marla, who's still caught in the giant web, but Kate's not too keen on helping her out.
Marla Bloodstone: Listen, about Billy… nothing happened. I asked him out to dinner. It was strictly business. All right, it wasn't totally, completely, absolutely business. I'll be honest with you. It'll be a cathartic openness thing. I did have designs on him. I didn't get to first base, ok?
Kate Beringer: It'll do.
"Yeah, you didn't get to first base on him. But you did attempt to give him a footjob underneath the table, lady." Sean said.
(As Kate is busy freeing Marla, we see a shadow of something hideous coming from around the corner. Marla sees something and screams. Kate looked in Marla's direction and screams as well. The hideous creature turns out to be Mohawk, who's limbs are now eight spider legs
(A clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown)
Patrick Star (Voiced by Bill Fagerbakke): Aaah, spiders! Spiders!
"Okay, that is definitely my favorite design of all time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, seeing this as a kid, this didn't scare me. I thought it was the coolest design of Mohawk by having him as part Gremlin and part spider. Props to Rick Baker and his team. Anyway, before Spider-Mohawk tries to kill Kate and Marla, Gizmo shows up to have his big hero moment and takes out his tormentor.
Mohawk: (Sees Gizmo) Gizmo…
(Gizmo launches the arrow, which hits Spider-Mohawk and sets him on fire. Gizmo nods his head)
"Don't fuck with the Giz, bitch." Sean said.
Kate Beringer: (Seeing Gizmo's appearance) What happened to him?
Billy Peltzer: I don't know. I guess they pushed him too far. If these things get out…
Murray Futterman: We'll stop them, Billy. We can't give up now. Washington didn't give up. Lincoln didn't…
Kate Beringer: Please.
Murray Futterman: What's wrong?
Marla Bloodstone: What?
Kate Beringer: Don't mention Lincoln. Something terrible happened to me one year on Lincoln's Birthday.
"Oh, God! Please don't let it be another messed-up story about your family. We already had one that scarred the kiddies for life." Sean said.
Kate Beringer: I was 6 or 7, And I remember I had the day off from school, and Mom had let me go to the park. She'd made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was going through that peanut butter and jelly sandwich phase. And this man with this beard…
Billy Peltzer: Honey, um…
Kate Beringer: …looked just like Abe Lincoln.
Billy Peltzer: Honey, I really don't think it's a good time for this right now.
(During the scene, Zach Galligan tries his best not to break character, but by the time he drags her off-screen, he is seen starting to laugh)
"Fun fact: you can see Zach Galligan starting to laugh from this. You can clearly see him starting to laugh, which makes this scene pretty hilarious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the big climax as the Gremlins get ready to leave the building and this is another favorite scene of mine and aside from the Gremlins taking over the movie bit, this whole musical number where the Brain Gremlin starts singing "New York, New York" is another one of the best moments. You get some pretty good gags in it as well like the Rhapsody in Blue bit with Greta, some Gremlins preparing for war on New York and especially the Phantom of the Opera bit. God, I love this movie! Anyway, as Mr. Clamp gets ready to drop the cloth to let in the sun, the sky starts to darken, which is bad news for our heroes because it's gonna rain and water plus Gremlins equals a shitload of Gremlins.
Murray Futterman: If these guys get out in the rain, this city's going under for the third time. I'm talking Armageddon. WW III. You know what I mean?
Kate Beringer: Billy, we've gotta do something.
"Well, we could get the Ark of the Covenant to waste them, if that's what you're suggesting." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, that plan definitely involves water, So Billy tells Murray to get the fire hose and turn it on to get them wet and you remember that Electric Gremlin? Well, water plus electricity equals death!
Billy Peltzer: Mr. Futterman, turn off the hose!
(Murray shuts off the hose)
Billy Peltzer: Hit it!
(Kate pushes the blinking button, and the Electric Gremlin shoots out of the receiver, swooping down in the lobby and electrocuting the Gremlins)
Sean: (V/O as Billy) And THEN along came Zeus and he hurled his thunderbolt!
(The Gremlins and Brain Gremlin get electrocuted to death and they become melted green puddles of goop and we cut to a Gremlin who's dressed as the Wicked Witch)
Wicked Witch Gremlin: (As he melts) I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!
"Okay, that is the best gag ever and it is funny as hell." Sean said.
Brain Gremlin: (Sings) New York… New York…
(The Brain Gremlin slumps over and dies)
"A moment of silence for the second best damn character of the movie." Sean said as he hangs his head briefly while a shot of Brain Gremlin with the text "RIP Brain Gremlin" appears next to him as somber violin music plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) And yeah, they're definitely wearing that PG-13 rating like a badge of honor, that movie definitely deserved it. With the Gremlins dead, Mr. Clamp and the New York S.W.A.T. burst through the doors and they're tardy to the party. Also, because of him doing some coverage on the story, Mr. Clamp makes Grandpa Fred an anchor, he also congratulates Billy and the others for taking down the Gremlins, he also makes Marla the new head of public relations.
Billy Peltzer: Sir, I'm sorry about the building.
Daniel Clamp: I'm not.
Kate Beringer: You're not?
Daniel Clamp: No. For one thing, we're insured for the damages. Maybe it wasn't a place for people anyway. It was a place for things. You make a place for things, things come.
"Besides, things tend to screw up around the building. Who created those revolving doors anyway?" Sean asked, imitating Mr. Clamp.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Clamp sees Billy's drawing of his hometown Kingston Falls and he uses it as the basis to make his own town, so he promotes Billy and Kate too. Therefore, happy ending Billy and Kate are promoted and they take Gizmo home with them. As for Forster, he's trapped on the highest floor of the building, but he's not alone when he gets a surprise of his life.
(Forster sees Greta, the sole Gremlin survivor, dressed in a wedding gown and she corners him and attempts to marry him)
"Well, at least their children are gonna be half-human, half-Gremlin. I do not want to know what they're gonna look like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the end credits and we're treated to the Gremlins theme, which got a major upgrade and…
(During the end credits, Daffy Duck appears)
Daffy Duck: Long, isn't it?
"Uh, who told Daffy to show up during the credits?" Sean asked. "I just want to enjoy Jerry Goldsmith's music score."
(Daffy appears once more)
Daffy Duck: Patently ridiculous.
"Dude, seriously! I just want to take time to appreciate the cast and crew for working on the movie and the special effects team. We don't need you to…" Sean said.
(Daffy Duck continues to appear)
Daffy Duck: Still lurking about? Don't you people have homes?
"Blow me, you stupid duck! Quit being a troll throughout the credits!" Sean yelled out.
(After the credits, we fade to the empty Looney Tunes ring and Porky bursts out of the hole)
Porky Pig: Ya-be-dee-th-th-th-that's all…
Daffy Duck: Oh no you don't! (Pulls Porky away) Sorry. Sixty years of hogging the end title is enough. So, th-th-that's all, folks!
(The shield with "Title Animation Written and Directed by Chuck Jones" entitled on it slams onto Daffy)
Daffy Duck: (In pain) Fade out.
"Ha! Serves your right for trolling the viewers. And that was Gremlins 2: The New Batch and I love this movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This is what you would expect coming from a sequel to a hit movie, pure insanity. And this movie has it. This is the reason why I prefer Gremlins 2 over the first film and as much as I love Gremlins, I admit the movie was a little dark and suspenseful, but this one is just pure comedy and fun and the cast and crew had a lot of fun working on this movie and a lot of people love this movie as well. If you're in the mood to see some pure insanity, then this is the movie for you and if you haven't seen it? Then, what are you waiting for? Go check it out. You won't be disappointed. And if you saw the movie, then give it a watch again and laugh your ass off. It is the perfect follow-up to a great movie. Gremlins 2: The New Batch comes in at 4 evil Gremlins out of 5.
"And that's the last movie for Sequelitis Month: The Revenge. Thank God, we're done. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- What if they're in an airplane and they cross a time zone? I mean, it's always midnight somewhere.
And that is all for the review of Gremlins 2: The New Batch and that's a wrap for Sequelitis Month: The Revenge. I hope that you all enjoyed the new chapter and some of it's funniest moments. Anyway, what did you think of the review and what did you think of the movie? Which one do you prefer, Gremlins or Gremlins 2? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic counts down some of the funniest Home Improvement episodes in the next Top 11 countdown in The Top 11 Hilarious Home Improvement Episodes. Then, it's a review of your choice. Here are the picks:
Perry Mason Returns: Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at Raymond Burr's return as the iconic lawyer and see how well it held up.
Speed: This was one of the movies that launched Keanu Reeves into stardom and Sean takes a look at this taut thriller.
True Lies: This is one of Sean's favorite movies of all time and he takes a look at the hilarious action-comedy starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis and directed by James Cameron.
Real Genius: As a tribute to Val Kilmer, Sean takes a look at the 80s teen comedy that also launched Kilmer into stardom.
Which movie should I review next after the Top 11 Hilarious Home Improvement Episodes? Would you like to do a co-review with me on any of the movies? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.