XXXX: The Cost of Defeat
I blinked through the raging waters of my mind. Every piece was awash with information.
My fingers tapped against my pocket. The slender, short poison needle I'd taken from Feyd's pants remained intact. But why, would I need to use it?
"We need to go," Feyd said.
I nodded in agreement. "Yes, Baron. We should leave."
"Don't call me that," he snipped.
"The court has been given word. They should be ready," I said. "Lord Bondar tracked down the remaining soldiers. There are very few. Some, he said, will not survive the flight."
Feyd remained quiet. His mind rattled with the conflict between Paul. I doubted he listened to much else I said.
"Also, Glossu Rabban is dead."
"There will not be any of my commanding officers left intact."
"Captain Rurik survived," I offered.
"I had him kept close to the palace in case something happened that I needed you transported away. His position kept him away from the bulk of their advance."
"Why was he not in the Emperor's ship?" I asked.
"Who?"
"Glossu. He was there when we went to meet him, but he never entered." My eyes jumped upward to his face. "Did you kill him?"
A soft amusement pulled the corner's of his mouth. Flickers his old smile revealed, before it tampered.
"I should have," he mused. "No. I almost did. He made a comment when you were taken away. It made me so angry that I kicked the back of his knees and punched his face until one of those Sardaukar bastards pulled me off of him." Feyd spat on the floor, ridding himself of the taste of the memory. "He limped off in shame. Was the last time I saw him."
"Was your uncle angry?"
"Does it matter? They're both dead and I'm still here." He loosened his jaw. The memory of those last moments fresh in his mind blared over his body. The tension of what last happened, replayed within his thoughts as if it was moments ago. "He lusted after you. That Beast. He wanted you and I could tell. It disrespected your position as my lady, to be the hunger of another man's fantasy. So, I beat him until the hunger went away."
There were servants that approached us. They awaited us to return to our chambers for a our final outfits upon Arrakis before we traveled back to Geidi Prime.
Feyd and I allowed ourselves to be shown the way back, although we both knew the palace well. The servants showed us the choices of clothing. Vishti was no where to be seen. Neither was Nasira. I frowned.
"Leave us," Feyd said.
The Harkonnen servants lowered their items. Their heads bowed. They fled as quickly as they entered.
"Help me untie this," he instructed.
It was the tie that held his wrist against his chest.
"The doctor did that to heal you."
He flung down his shirt. "I am the Baron. I can decide what I will and won't do. If you are not going to help me, then leave me."
A gush of air rushed into my lungs in surprise. His outbursts were rare in recent weeks. It felt akin to a man I once knew.
Sad and very angry.
"Is that what you wish of me?"
"No." He croaked. "I want to wear my clothes. I don't want this fuckin' sling." I nodded in agreement. But, then, his mouth kept speaking. "I want my court back. I want my life. I want my damned honor!"
That.
That was a wound I'd left bigger than I thought.
I grabbed the shirt from the floor. I was cautious as I moved toward him. My fingers raised to reach the tie of his sling, but remained frozen until he nodded for me to continue.
His arm lowered from the position when I finally unlaced it. A sour wince twisted his face.
I silently helped him into his clothes. They were heavy against his shoulder. He hissed when the final piece of his outer leather vest was placed.
"I am sorry for what I have done to you, Feyd."
He scowled.
My fingers retied the bandages wrapped around his wrist against the pieces wrapped around his shoulder and chest. I knotted them extra strong. He needed healed fast.
"Would it be better if I stayed behind on Arrakis?" I asked quietly.
His eyes narrowed. A slow recoil pulled his chin back to his neck.
"If you never have to see the woman who dishonored you, you could be happy."
The cracking of his jaw as it lowered into place was loud. It shuddered my spine.
"If you think I'm leaving you behind, you are mistaken."
The abrupt change in his demeanor startled me.
I staggered a step backward. "You hate me, Feyd."
"No," he said.
"You do."
"No," he said louder.
"I saved your life and you hate me for it!" I accused. "Admit it, Feyd. You hate me."
"I hate myself!" He screamed back at me.
He could have slapped me against the face and gotten less shock than what he did see in me.
My mouth gaped. I felt rushes of tears. The fluttering in my stomach was sudden and strong.
"I hate that I was not strong enough. I couldn't protect the one thing-." His voice struggled against the tension he kept inside himself. "You had to save me, bargain for my life like I was a burden."
"You are not a burden, Feyd."
"I know I'm not. I am capable of being a man. I am a man."
"No one said you weren't," I replied befuddled.
"A man should protect his woman. That is what he is for. What use do I have if I cannot keep you safe?"
"Use? You are not a tool. I do not remain by your side so you keep me safe. You are worth more than that."
A glimmer showed in his eyes. He shook them away.
The faintest glimpses of tears inside his eyes.
"I don't see how."
"Your uncle belittled you into nothing more than a creature of death. He made you a killer. You are more than that. Look at me."
He sniffed and raised his gaze to mine.
"Defeat is not the end," I said. "You made me a lady. You brought me to Arrakis. You trusted me with your legacy because you saw a future that was not so bleak and barren. You saved me from the dungeons! I denied you my affections for years, and you still tried. You, Feyd-Rautha, cling to hope. You hope so hard that you make it true. There is so much more to you than the end of your swords."
"I dishonored you when I couldn't stand for you. You had to make an oath for yourself. I should have tried harder."
"You saved me," I said. "All those years ago, you saved me. I finally got the chance to repay the favor."
"Come here." He pulled me against him. His arm wrapped around me as tight as he could. It was awkward. He tried to maneuver against his bandages. He sighed. A small trickle of emotion swallowed down the back of his throat. "I'd fuck you into oblivion if I didn't have this fuckin sling."
"I know."
"I love you." He kissed my temple, my forehead, down to my cheeks then met my lips. He held me with needy fingers. Only one was able to grasp me. He groaned in frustration against his bandages. Harder he pulled. "Rip this away. Let me hold you." He growled when he could not tear his wounded arm away.
I shook my head. "No."
"No?"
"You need to heal."
"I'll rip my entire shoulder away from bone if I cannot make you mine."
"I am yours," I assured him.
"Swear to me," he murmured. The faint edge of his rawness crept through. "You are mine. Swear it, Mintha."
Swear.
Swear to me…
That was a promise.
An oath.
He would not do it. Even in certain death, he would do it.
Paul's words echoed within my mind.
I stood stunned. My body tensed, overcome.
Feyd tilted his head, confused. He examined every cruel thought ripple through my body. The deepening pound of my heart within my chest. A voice that spoke unsaid truths, it spoke to me.
He would not have killed our son?
My breath gasped from my lungs. I withdrew from his grasp.
In the distance , the lack of heat in our connection, chill rushed to meet me. It slipped beneath the cover of my dress. My flesh prickled with the ghostly touch of chill.
None like the ice inside my heart.
"Sweetness," Feyd said. "What is it?"
He never meant it.
He wouldn't have mercy killed me.
Paul saw it. He warned me of Feyd's lie.
It will only work once. There is no antidote.
The poison needle.
I held it from outside my pocket.
"Feyd." I said.
"Yes," he said. His confusion grew with each passing moment. He restrained himself from closing the distance. It was how he knew to manipulate me. It startled me that his restraint held so well. "Mintha."
"Would you have killed me like you swore," I questioned.
His eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"
"When I discovered I was pregnant, I refused to give birth if the Baron drew breath. You swore to me that you would kill me and baby both before he could reach us." My voice grew stronger with emotion. "Would you have?"
"That hardly matters now."
"Don't do that. It does. You know it does."
"He is dead," Feyd deflected.
I shrieked. A pain shook my lungs. No, my chest. My heart sputtered to a painful stop. "You lied!"
"Sweetness," he said.
Feyd dared try to close to distance between us. I put my hands up to shield myself from him.
"No. No, Feyd."
He scowled. "No?"
"You lied to me!"
"He's dead. I knew he would die before that happened. It does not matter. He's gone. You are safe."
The betrayal inside my heart ripped it to pieces. All at once, pain centered beneath my breast was so powerful that I reached for the wall to steady me.
Feyd thought to calm my woes away. My eyes snapped to his feet.
I could not stand the sound of his voice. His face. It made me sick and hurt. So hurt.
"Stay away," trembled from my lips.
He blinked. "Mintha."
"No! Stay away from me."
"I would have protected you."
"You would have watched me descend into a madness I could not escape! You'd have made me suffer. Watch my son be brutalized!"
My hands hastily reached within my pocket. I pulled the poison needle from its secrecy. Its sharp tip aimed at my throat from my own hand.
Feyd froze. "Mintha," he warned.
"You'll find one of your needles is missing, Feyd. That is what I hold here. So, you know I am serious when I say this next. Stay away from me."
"Mintha," he said stronger.
Like the gravel of his bellow would frighten me.
I'd wanted to die since before we met.
I brought the needle closer to my skin. I could not exactly see where the tip ended. It frightened him more that I could not detect how close I was to dying.
"Don't," he blurted. "Please."
"Go on. Go. Prepare to disembark. Leave me. Vishti can come bring me to the ship."
He opened his mouth to disagree.
"or I can stay behind," I snapped. "Your choice, Baron."
"Please." His nostrils flared. There was the faintest touch of coloring to them. He hated begging like he did. "Can we talk about this?"
"You have people that depend upon you now, Feyd."
"I don't give a damn about those people!" He snapped.
"Well those people may soon be all you have. I've lost all respect for the man I loved." I shook my head. "You can't stay here, because if I have to think again about how much you've betrayed me, I won't be able to stop myself from using this needle. Even now, I feel my fingers want to plunge it straight through." The rattle of my chest released a soft sob. "I-I can't even look at you without thinking of how much hurt you'd cause our son."
He shook his head. "Never."
I sniffed the tears back for when he closed the door. The breakdown was for me. Not him.
He did not deserve its sight.
"Stay away," I spoke softer now. "Just stay away."
Feyd relented. He left the room.
He pulled all the air with him. My body fell to a weeping sobbing mess upon the bed. Each breath was harder than the last.
The desert's cruel fate did not steal my life. It stole my happiness.
I wished it stole my life's water instead.
They found me when it was time to depart. Vishti pulled me up from the floor. I told her I couldn't live like this anymore.
"He lied to me," I said. "It was all a lie. He said he would kill me. He swore!"
"My lady. The na-Baron loves you too good to kill you."
"He wouldn't save his own blood from being hurt," I snarled through tears. "He wouldn't save me from a life knowing what would be done."
"Death is a cowards way. The final door. There is no return," Vishti said. They washed my face. I ducked to avoid their cloth, but they outmanned me. Nasira helped. She held me in place so that I could be ready to face the end of our time on Arrakis. "The Baron Harkonnen is not a coward. He a fighter, yes? He fight to the end. He would not kill you, my lady. It is not his way."
My frustrations burned deep down. I ignored what they said. It did not aid my heart's lament.
Feyd lied. He betrayed my inner most trust that he would do what was necessary, if I couldn't. I was weak. I'd not be able to slaughter my own child to spare them and survive. He had to know that! How could he not love me enough to take pity on me?
Vishti adorned me in robes that covered me head to toe. Every inch of my flesh was covered. An oversize veil shielded my face. The sun's brightness would not erode the water fed body I resided within.
Hot sand brushed my nostrils. It occurred to me that it would be my last time in its wafting scent. The heat of the Arrakis day was brutal. It would no longer govern my life. The dunes no longer a distant friend I stared at on the horizon. Sand worms, a problem of yesterday.
My life was irrevocably changed.
This was the last I would see of this Dune planet.
Vishti and Nasira followed me out toward the Guildsman ship. It was large. Larger still was the heighliner high above our heads like a rain cloud. Its grey body shaded a portion of the yellow sandy brown ground.
The warship the Baron gifted Feyd was intact. Somehow. It lifted undamaged up into the sky. Its path, the heighliner.
Feyd's inner most court - advisors, attendants and me - were given our own transport up into the heighliner. It was quieter than before.
We no longer ran out to victory; we fled in defeat.
Captain Rurik was aboard the ship when Vishti, Nasira and I walked inside. He bowed, against the wince of his stitches being pulled to their limit inside his skin.
"The na-Baron has brought the others into this chamber for you. He hopes you'll find the accommodation acceptable," the captain relayed.
A quiet sigh of relief left my lips. I would not have to face him in front of people. Desert's blessed miracle.
"It does not matter if they are not acceptable," I stated. "If I am ordered by the na-Baron, there is little to be said. Come Vishti, Nasira. Our lodgings are this way."
The largest room upon the ship had to be mine. It bordered on outrageous, even for Harkonnen standard.
Vishti appraised it with a restrained shock. Nasira too stared.
The fittings of the castle were just as luxurious.
"Are you sure you need us, my lady?" Vishti asked. "There are maids where you come from, yes?"
"I want people I trust," I answered with a dismissive wave. "You are the ones I trust. Feyd will just have to deal with it."
Vishti frowned but said nothing more.
Any consideration of Feyd's was none of mine. I was too destroyed to care about his feelings. He did not consider mine. He withheld truths from me.
Maybe I was not as important to him as Paul said I was. We both were broken individuals here. He, surely broken more than I.
In this life, as Paul phrased it, we could be too distorted to be good for one another at all.
It pained my chest with a fluttering throb. My child would be born into this. Why a cruel fate I hoped to spare her, only come as predicted.
I swallowed down my rising sorrow. My body would not produce more tears. It was sick with water loss. The waste of it, too, a mark against my soul.
Many suffered more and wasted less water on it.
Why could I refrain from crying?
Hurried steps echoed within the corridor of the ship. I tensed my body for whatever happened next. An ambush, a berating, a lord come to suck more from me.
Vishti gasped. "The baby!"
I instinctively gripped my body.
Only it was not mine she meant.
Little Musa ran through the doors. The soft curls atop his head were frizzy and frayed. Aishti entered right behind him. Her breath heaved with effort as if she'd ran here.
"Aishti?" Vishti blurted in surprise.
"I had no time. Musa was with a neighbor. I ran as fast as I could before we left."
I sighed with glee. "Aishti. You're coming with us?"
This journey would be impossible without Vishti. But my joy, it would be settled if Aishti was with me too.
"There is nothing left for us here," she said.
"I'll help all you get settled," I assured them.
My only friends would not be stranded in a new world without my support. It was an intimidating place to be alone. And different.
In fact this was a new beginning for me. I'd never explored outside the castle. My life was contained to the inside of walls where I could be kept under surveillance.
"We will learn together," I said.
My arms lovingly wrapped Aishti in an embrace. Little Musa let go of his mother's skirts. He ran to Vishti. His face rubbed against the soft linen robes, smiling.
Aishti relaxed in my arms. "You need rest," she whispered. "I see it in your face, lady. You need to sleep."
I shook my hands. My body dwindled in strength. It was my mind that felt too panicked to calm.
"I doubt I'll be able to," I replied. "So much has happened. I cannot comprehend how much."
"Water and rest," Vishti repeated instructions that I knew well.
The night of my miscarriage was filled with those words. It filled my stomach with despair. I'd never have survived that night without Feyd's strength.
Ugh. Enough about him.
He did not deserve my pity.
"Just for a while," I said. "If I can."
"Is alright. Musa must sleep too, right Aishti?" Vishti urged the little boy from their robes.
"Oh yes. He tires."
"Let him lay with me," I said. "The bed is big enough for all of us. I imagine he'll rest well either way all this room."
Nasira fetched the golden tea kettle. Steaming tea was delivered to my bedside. They urged me comfortable with many pillows behind my back. The position eased the aching at the base of my spine.
Reclined that way, my small, rounded belly protruded larger than I was accustomed to. My legs folded.
"I've felt strange fluttering lately," I murmured aloud. "That is the baby moving, isn't it?"
"It will become stronger," Vishti explained. "Hurt sometimes."
"Musa was an active little one. While I slept, he played." Aishti happily recalled.
Her strength amazed me still. The joy she found in being a mother after the foulness she endured to become one. That strength evaded me.
I yearned to ask how she did it. How did she find it joyous? The child was the proof that it happened. She could not pretend it was nothing. The thoughts cannot be pushed away when a little face stared inside your face.
Musa curled against her chest. His lips stretched wide whilst he yawned.
Aishti held him close. Her hands held tighter when he whimpered a soft resistance to sleep.
Love. I think it was love that she had. Like the kind of love that I held for Feyd, it surpassed all reason and logic. It was instinct. An unstoppable love that bended the spirit but kept the heart whole.
I patted the bed. Aishti's brow flexed in curiosity.
"Lay with him. It will comfort him and me to feel like someone else was here." I forced a sad smile. "I despise sleeping alone now."
Her eyes downcast.
"It will not be like this always," she said.
Nasira grasped one of my arms. She slathered body oil all down my skin. Her long fingers were strong. They massaged down the length, loosening tension in places I did not realize until they were rid of their space. She got no complaint when she required my other arm.
Aishti laid on the outer edge of the bed with Musa placed along her side. She picked the center to prevent his little body from falling onto the floor.
"He dreams with his whole body."
I smiled. His little eyes struggled to remain open. The bed was too comfortable.
One chubby hand laid against his mom's face. Aishti smiled. She made no move to avoid the touch.
The rumbling of the airship startled him awake. His big eyes opened. They sought comfort.
Aishti murmured softly in their native language. It calmed his confusion.
She continued to murmur in a low tone. I listened, even comforted by it.
My body felt the crash of exhaustion like a sudden swipe of a blade. My eyes became dry and irritated. Their weight grew with passing moments. The struggle to fight them open surpassed me.
Vishti pulled the silk blanket from the foot of the bed. They draped it all along my body.
"Rest now, my lady. You have done enough."
Had I? Had I survived enough? Had I done what I should have?
Aishti apparently fell asleep, too. Her high-pitched snores added to the music of Musa and my's slumber. It was much later when I awoke to the gentle creak of a door. The flicker of light from the hall caught against my eyes.
I peeked through slits, too exhausted to expend more energy on fully looking.
A shadow filled the doorway. It looked in at us, asleep on the bed. Musa turned suddenly. Two baby hands grasped onto my arm.
The door closed once more. And I was lost to sleep.
Traveling to Geidi Prime did not take as long as before. It was a short time before the sound of the airship grumbled alive once more.
Vishti awoke me. "Our time has come."
Sleep had not aided me in the slightest. I was exhausted. My body ached. My chest hurt worst.
They dressed me as they liked. I said not a word. My mind was filled with a haze, riddled with my own dreams and tired attitude.
Aishti was mortified when she woke and realized she slept - and for so long. She rushed to help my final touches be placed for the official landing.
"You are expected to walk with the na-Baron," Vishti said in their lightest tone. They were unsure of my reaction.
I swallowed. "Did he tell you that?"
"Not na-Baron. His people. They tell me things."
I sighed. "Very well. It is not up to me."
"You could refuse," they suggested.
It was unlike them to encourage disobedience.
"Is that what you think I should do?"
They saw my surprise at their suggestion. It flustered them.
"That is what you would do, my lady. You refuse and make him listen."
There was little point.
Now.
I was just the woman who carried his heir. An heir he cared for only in theory.
If he disagreed, he would have to explain the actions he took against me and his child. It was not for our benefit. It was his. He wanted it all.
I fought my frown. It's devastating stretch would encourage tears.
"He swore he would kill us," I muttered. "H-how? How could he lie?"
Deep lines formed against their mouth. "Death does not change. Life can."
"There are times when life is not worth surviving," I replied angrily.
Why would no one share my disgust? Sometimes death was all there was. It washed clean all the horrors that life handed with ease. The battles waged against us, against our will, the wounds unable to heal no matter the bandage.
Some wounds were too deep. They cut the soul.
"I couldn't survive that life," I muttered.
"You have survived now, yes? You faced the Fremen and messiah. You draw breath after met your enemies in the face. That is not luck."
"Paul Atreides spared our lives for reason that had little to do with me."
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, it does," I snapped.
The ship was calm and quiet when I stepped out from my personal chambers. Our energy was a collective sigh. It was defeat, it was deafening silence, it was shame. Shame at our return in defeat, heartbroken with the joy that we'd survived.
It was not the strength of monsters.
Captain Rurik bowed when I approached the front hatch of the ship. Feyd silenced. His body went rigid. The deep intensity of his eyes trained ahead, only sparing a side glance that I was there by his side when we greeted his new charge: Baronship.
"Na-Baron," I mumbled.
The greeting was met with nothing.
I internally shivered.
Things were changed between us. I disrespected his position by begging for his life and he destroyed me by breaking a promise.
Perhaps I should die.
The castle was a dreary dark place. We returned on a night of thick black clouds overhead. It drenched the atmosphere with a macabre shadow despite the growing power of lights.
Hot thick air brushed against my skin. It was not dry, like Arrakis. The air of Geidi Prime was hot like steam; it clung.
There was no grandeur reception. Though there was genuine joy to those of the court whom we returned to. They did not mourn the Baron. It appeared, there was relief to his death.
Feyd marched right through. His long stretching stomp rattled the very stones of the castle as he strode up the stairs into his old childhood home. I questioned whether to follow or find my own way. He shared nothing with me. My presence was like that of an old dog past its prime.
The clenching inside my chest cinched twice as hard. Each beat was a ragged struggle. I was pained with his every step away from me. His back, the only comfort I would have from him now.
"Lady Mintha," an attendant bowed her head. Her knee sank to the floor. "Welcome home."
Home. This was not my home.
Home was upon Arrakis, on the days where Feyd and I reigned free. The burden of his bloodline and the trauma of my captivity were at a distance that they were but faint inklings, not the sharp divides they were now.
I swallowed. "Take me to my chambers. The journey was long."
"Yes, my lady."
"Have my ladies maids shown the way. They are not from here," I instructed. "They will need lodging and shown how to find me. I expect them treated with respect."
"Yes, my lady. They will be taken care of."
"And those who returned with us will need to be given extra service. They have endured much," I said. "Tell your staff that the doctors may need to remain inside the castle walls for now. Until everyone has settled and been tended to."
This poor young attendant was overwhelmed with my mountain of orders. She trembled unsure what to do first.
"I know my way to my old chambers." I finally granted her some relief. "I'll find them on my way. You should alert the others of the staff and find my ladies maids."
The walk through the castle was eerie. It was reminiscent of old memories, but different somehow. I never acknowledged how cold it was inside despite the wretched heat outside the walls. The air was not poisoned foul either. Efforts to keep the toxic atmosphere out I never noticed before.
Vents blew cold air. They brushed my arms as I walked near them. All my skin prickled with sensation. The chill crept over top of me, but found no place to root. It was easily warmed.
Royal guests were kept within their own wing. The occupants, as I saw, were all gone now. Emperor liaisons, relations and other heads of houses were absent from their rooms.
Mine was on the end in a forgotten about corner with a window that just overlooked the dank murky forest off of the castle grounds. In the distance the lights of many high-rise buildings shined through darkness. The clouds ignited. Their outlines as distinct as signs throughout the sky from the city beyond.
My old chambers were just as I remembered them. They were not cloaked in shadow, like I considered. The light was pleasant, not too bright or dim. Beautiful decorative banding in the stone wall showed some craftmanship. The tapestries were pattern design - not creative art - which was a rarity amongst the haunted portraits and still life landscapes of horror.
The bed was modest in size. It fit Feyd and I well enough. Its size was half of that in Carthag.
I swallowed as I ran my fingers atop the cold sheets I detested. They were calming. Their slick sensation did not disturb me. Arrakis was often too hot to use much more than that.
My body sank onto the low footboard of the platform bed. It was built in solid stone. Cold overtook my thin dress with ease. It burned my thighs with its icy claws.
Back here.
I never expected to stare back at the empty life I only knew, and feel now, its weight against me.
I'd had everything.
It was all lost to the sands of dunes long far gone.
Feyd and our love was a grain of sand in devastation.
My body shivered. Not from the cold. But the sadness. It flowed up into my eyes.
Water dripped until it flowed. My cheeks were slick. I wiped the tears away but more came to take their place.
I was no longer a girl who dreamed of death. A woman, I'd become, now needed death to be relieved of all the pain I endured while learning to embrace life.