Bro Day at Pop's Chock-lit Shoppe had ended with a bang—and not just from Kevin nearly choking on a fry during a debate over milkshake flavors. The groomsmen had dispersed, some still laughing over the chaos and others whispering prayers for Archie's survival once Veronica found out about his secret booking of Kim Petras.
Archie, blissfully unaware of the storm brewing in his apartment, hummed Kim's "Coconuts" as he drove back. The milkshake sugar high hadn't quite worn off. In fact, he was feeling confident. Stupidly confident. The kind of confidence only a man who had never met a furious Veronica Lodge could possess.
He parked. Took a deep breath. Walked into the apartment.
The door barely shut behind him before:
"You lied to me."
Veronica was standing in the middle of the living room, arms crossed, her expression sharper than stilettos.
Archie froze mid-step. "…Hey, babe."
"Don't you babe me." Her tone cut like a knife. "You told me—explicitly—that you weren't hiring anyone like Kim Petras. And then I find out from Tabitha that not only did you lie… but you hired her without telling me."
Archie sighed, throwing his keys on the counter. "Okay, yes. I did. But listen, I had a reason—"
"No." Veronica held up her hand. "I don't want a reason. I want you to contact Kim Petras' people and cancel it. Right now."
Archie blinked. "Ronnie… it's too late."
Veronica's eyes narrowed to slits. "Why?"
"Because there's a contract," Archie explained, slowly walking toward her like he was approaching a ticking time bomb. "There's a rider, a clause, and—apparently—a glitter transportation clause. Her team already booked the Paris flight. There's also a potential confetti permit involved."
Veronica looked like she was about to spontaneously combust.
"I am your fiancée," she said, voice trembling with fury. "We're supposed to plan this wedding together. Fiancees don't lie to each other. You don't sneak a pop star into my carefully curated ceremony behind my back and then shrug about it."
"I wasn't shrugging," Archie said defensively. "I just thought… it would make it more exciting. Something you didn't have to stress about."
"Oh, so now you're doing me favors by lying to me?"
"That's not what I meant!"
"Then what did you mean, Archie?" Veronica demanded, her voice cracking with betrayal. "That my taste isn't exciting enough? That my vision doesn't matter? Or are you just using this wedding to feed your own ego?"
"I'm not the one acting like the wedding revolves around only me," Archie shot back. "God, you're being so—so narcissistic right now!"
Veronica gasped like he had slapped her. "Narcissistic?! Oh, you think this is narcissism? Fine. I'll show you exactly what narcissism looks like."
"Be my guest!" Archie snapped.
"Oh, you want a show?" she said, grabbing a throw pillow dramatically and hugging it like it was an Oscar. "Should I do a bridezilla monologue for you? Should I start throwing veils at the wall?"
Archie shook his head. "You know what? You're acting like Winter Blanco from Bad Girls Club—Season 16. Social Disruption. That's what this is!"
Veronica narrowed her eyes. "What did you just say to me?"
"I said you're acting like Winter," Archie repeated, standing his ground. "You're turning the whole wedding into a personal runway. Everything has to go your way. Everything has to be exactly how you picture it. No flexibility. No input."
"Give me examples," she said coldly. "Go ahead. Justify that comparison."
Archie threw up his hands. "You flipped out because the macaroon bar didn't match your color palette! You cried when the RSVP font didn't load correctly! You threatened to uninvite Betty over a wine cup! And now, just because I booked one—ONE—pop artist to surprise you, it's World War III!"
Veronica's jaw tightened. "So now I'm bridezilla? That's your final diagnosis?"
"Yup," Archie said. "Bridezilla with a budget spreadsheet and a god complex."
Veronica turned it into a mockery. She stomped across the room, fake crying and flailing her arms. "Oh noooo, Archie didn't read my 58-page wedding planner PowerPoint! How DARE he try to contribute!"
Then she stopped suddenly. Turned. Real tears welled in her eyes. "You've ruined this moment for me."
And with that, she stormed into their bedroom and slammed the door.
Archie stared at the hallway in silence, unsure whether to follow or let her cool off. He chose… neither.
He walked to the couch, flopped down, and whipped out his phone.
Group Chat: Groomzilla and the Bros
Archie:
Update: Kim Petras is still the wedding singer. Not canceling.
Also, who's free tomorrow to go to the blood donor place with me? Need a bag for the "blood pact" part of the show.
Reggie, you down?
Reggie: You KNOW I'm down. Got good veins.
Kevin: Archie, please. Stop doubling down. I am begging you.
John B.: Do we… like… chill it with the blood thing now?
Spencer: Kim Petras blood confetti cannon = Riverdale: the Musical
Archie ignored the chaos and clicked over to Etsy.
He typed: "Customizable confetti cannon wedding glam sparkle rainbow LED"
Add to cart.
He sat back, arms behind his head.
"Let's make it a night to remember."
Meanwhile, behind a locked bedroom door, Veronica sobbed into her pillow. But not before whispering through gritted teeth, "You want narcissism, Archie Andrews? You're about to get a masterclass."
Paris was coming.
And it was bringing the glitter…
and the drama.