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"-So anyway, I just thought you should know that we've got a vampire in the family now," Ken finished explaining to his co-brother in law.
Jack clenched his fist. "You'd let a bloodsucker into your home?!"
"Not a bloodsucker, she eats LIGHT, totally different," Ken explained.
"That's even worse!"
"No, no, it's fine, Marie's tamed her, she won't be a threat to anyone," Ken assured him.
"No vampire is harmless," Ace growled, trembling with rage. "Despite what so much of modern media may claim...can you believe on Earth, some humans think they sparkle? SPARKLE?!"
"Don't worry, Carmilla doesn't sparkle," Ken explained. "She GLITTERS, which is totally different."
"Even her name...'Carmilla.' Like Alien Carmilla, a member of whon I once fought on Earth!" Jack raved.
"It's also apparently the name of a famous lesbian vampire on Earth," Ken pointed out helpfully.
"Vampire propaganda!"
"Look, I'm telling you this because we didn't want her presence to be a surprise at dinner, so if you could please put your biases aside and try not to murder her? Not that it would succeed since she's apparently immortal, but it would be very inconvenient and awkward for everyone," Ken asked.
"Don't worry, Ken," Jack said grimly. "I won't try to murder her."
"Oh, good! I'll see you tonight then," a relieved Ken said, hanging up.
"I won't try to murder her...I'll SUCCEED!" Jack began cackling madly.
"So, this is Carmilla, my new..." Marie trailed off.
"Slave!" Carmilla sang, practically hanging off her.
"Yeah. That," Marie grunted.
"Welcome to the family!" Ken exclaimed happily, hugging her, to her surprise.
"Just so nyou knyow, we have a pecking order," Coesra warned Carmilla. "Ken's Mistress's husband, but I'M Mistress's first and oldest love so I'm in charge of all her fuckslaves."
"You could just call them concubines," Marie muttered.
"Nyah. Anyway, benyeath me is Jinn and sometimes my wife, then Gigantron, then nyou and everyone else, and finally Belial's at the bottom, in every sense of the word," Coesra purred.
Carmilla blinked. "Belial? The archfiend?! I thought he was dead!" She paused, staring at Belial. "And male."
"Oh, he did die," Hikari explained. "But then Absolute Tartarus brought a younger version of him from the past into our timeline, creating a Parallel Isotope, who then assimilated the memories and powers of the original Belial, but became female for some reason, and an absolute simp for Mother."
"Oh, okay," Carmilla replied as if this made any sense whatsoever.
"Am I the only one who realizes that Belial could break free from her restraints at anytime and kill everyone in our sleep and the only thing stopping her is her being a total simp for Grauntie Marie?" Zero wondered.
"Yeah, and then Mom'd crush her," Taro pointed out.
"And she'd love every second of it," Astra agreed.
Belial drooled.
"Fair enough," Zero conceded.
"Can we please not talk about my mother's sexual proclivities?" Geed asked anxiously.
"If we have to hear about our mom's you have to hear about yours," Ace said.
Geed sighed.
"I can't believe you're dating a vampire now! You're so lucky, Mom!" Kirakira complained.
"...Yes. 'Lucky,'" Marie grumbled.
"Hey, Ms. Carmilla, do you happen to know any lesbian vampires who might want to hook up with a giantess of light?" Kirakira asked hopefully.
"Oh, loads," Carmilla said. "They're my slaves, meaning they're MARIE'S slaves, so I'm sure there's plenty who'd love to be yours."
Kirakira squealed in delight at this.
"Oooh, can I have a few? I can think of all sorts of...experiments I'd love to do with them," Yami asked eagerly.
"So is...is slavery legal now?" a somewhat confused Mebius asked.
"Oh, it was never illegal, actually," Aestria said.
"Wait, really?" Ultraseven asked in surprise.
"Yes, I've checked the laws extensively, we don't actually have anything on the books for or against it, it's just one of those things everyone assumed was illegal because our society for the most part is strongly against it, though in certain aspects that seems to be changing in public opinion, especially due to continued interactions with the Youkaliens," Zoffy confirmed.
"Huh," Ultraseven replied.
"I feel like someone should do something about that?" Ultraman suggested.
"Nyo, don't! Nyou have nyo idea how many people nyou'd make super unhappy!" Coesra screeched. Her wife and daughter and Carmilla nodded fervently and Belial whimpered in agreement.
"Look, this isn't actual slavery, from what Kyukogo and Carmilla have explained to me, it's more of a domination thing. These days, anyway. I think," Marie explained. "Assuming they can be believed. Which I'm not sure I can? I mean, if they were really my slaves you'd think they'd obey me when I said they were free to go and they don't HAVE to be my concubines and yet none of them do."
"Why would any of us want that?" Carmilla asked, genuinely perplexed.
"Hey, so, I'm hungry, let's eat and talk about this another time or never," Taiga said loudly.
"We can't yet, Jack's not here," Ultraman pointed out.
"Hey yeah, were is our brother?...who's also my uncle?" a confused Astra murmured. "Like Seven? Our family tree is confusing."
"My family's much worse, trust me," Yullian said.
"Does that mean when 80 finally marries you, we'll be-" Zero started to say.
"WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED," 80 and Yullian shouted.
"They're together, right?" Carmilla asked Marie.
"Yes."
"Right, thought so."
"Oh, here he is now!" Ken remarked as Jack's door glowed and opened, revealing his co-brother-in-law...
Wearing a longcoat and a wide-brimmed hat covered in stakes, crosses, and cloves of garlic. "SPAWN OF DARKNESS!" he bellowed, pointing dramatically at Carmilla, who pointed at herself in confusion. "I'LL KILL YOU, AND THE NIGHT!"
"How do you kill an entire time of day?" a puzzled Zero wondered.
"Ken, I thought you told Jack about Carmilla!" Marie hissed.
"I did! He promised he wouldn't try to murder her!" Ken replied, bewildered.
"DIE, FIEND! MAY THE POWER OF KING COMPEL YOU!" Jack bellowed, transforming his Ultra Bracelet into the Ultra Cross.
Carmilla blinked. "Should...that do something, or...?"
Howling, Jack threw the cross at her. It pierced her in the chest. Everyone gasped in horror.
Annoyed, Carmilla pulled it out. "No, seriously, was something about to happen?"
"Jack, I told you, she's immortal-" Ken tried to say, only for Ken to recall his Ultra Cross and transform it into the Bracelet Whip, which he started cracking at Carmilla, who moaned and undulated in delight, giving everyone...quite an eyeful.
"Oh wow," Kirakira gasped, eyes wide.
"Ooh, Mistress, doesn't that remind nyou-" Coesra whispered eagerly.
"Not in front of the kids!" Marie hissed. "But yes, we can do it later."
Coesra, Belial, and Aestria squealed at this.
"Don't look, son, you're not old enough," Taro said, covering Taiga's eyes.
"I am too!" he protested.
"I'm beginning to regret giving that to him," Ultraseven grumbled.
"Damn, that video game was wrong," Jack grunted in frustration as he recalled his whip. "In that case, eat garlic!"
He started pelting Carmilla with garlic.
"Wait, where did you even get cloves that big?" Hikari asked.
"Space market. Damn, that's not the right weakness either?" an irritated Jack grunted when the garlic did nothing to the very confused vampiress. "And we're nowhere near running water, and Marie - who is both my sister-in-law AND my mother since I'm a member of the Ultra Brothers-"
Carmilla made very confused and grossed-out noises at this.
"You don't need to bring that up all the time," Ultraman said.
"Yes I do. And Mommy Marie is head of the SILVER Cross so she's clearly not weak to silver-" Jack continued.
"Or crosses, and yet you threw one at Carmilla," Yami pointed out.
"Shut up. Mebius, turn into your Burning Brave form and set her on fire!" Jack ordered.
"No," Mebius said. "Mom'll kill me if I set the furniture on fire again."
"Damn, she's gotten to you too!" Jack snarled. "All right, let's try decapitation-"
"Jack, enough of this, stop trying to kill Carmilla," Marie snapped.
"Not that it would work anyway, I'm immortal," Carmilla added.
"But-" Jack protested.
"Jack, if you continue trying to assault my wife's new love slave, I'll kick you out of the Ultra Brothers," Ken said sternly. "Also you'll have to go home without dinner."
"I'll be good," Jack whimpered.
"Splendid," Ken said as the rest of the family groaned, for they'd been finding all this very entertaining. "Now, if we can all get into position?"
Everyone gathered in the middle of the room. Ken gestured, and the ceiling irised open to reveal a skylight, the light of the Plasma Spark shining in and irradiating them all. Ken gestured again, and numerous lenses of multiple colors, sizes, and shapes materialized, floating into place beneath the skylight and aligning themselves to filter the light from the Spark into a multitude of different wavelengths, colors, and radiation, bathing the room in rays of light deliberately selected to be the most nourishing for whichever Ultra was directly beneath it-
And then Tiga, wearing a black trenchcoat and shades, smashed through the skylight, breaking all the lenses as he hit the ground in a three-point landing and launched himself at the dismayed Carmilla. "Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!"
Everyone groaned. Marie facepalmed. A starving Taiga burst into tears. Ken sulked. Zero sighed. "Guess we're having takeout again, then..."