Chapter 5 Ne me quitte pas
Tam Amber's body hung from the rope for five days.
The Peacekeepers wouldn't let us cut him down.
Wouldn't let us close his eyes.
Five days.
Five days of watching his empty, anguished expression sway in the wind.
Still hanging—still suffering.
Clerk Carmine never stopped hugging his feet. Not once.
Not even when they hit him.
Not even when they threatened to kill him.
He held on.
xxx
When they finally let me out of my house, I wandered along the fence, waiting for the moment when the electricity would cut off—or the Peacekeepers would stop trailing me.
Smoke still curled above the treetops.
I was hiding from everyone.
I couldn't be near anyone.
If I was, I'd doom them. Just like I doomed her.
Just like I doomed Lenore Dove.
I spiraled into the bottle—drowning myself in cheap liquor and guilt.
I made sure they hated me.
Made sure they kept their distance.
I didn't deserve their kindness. Or their pity. Or their forgiveness.
Astrid's bloodied face haunted me now—just another nightmare added to the pile.
Maysilee yelled at me, heartbroken, furious, not understanding why I hurt her friend.
She couldn't see it. Couldn't see that keeping them close meant death.
xxx
Why didn't I run with Lenore?
Why didn't I die with her—or for her?
Every time I remembered that meadow, my mind screamed.
Why did I tell her to run?
Why wasn't I smarter?
The moment I saw those gumdrops, I should've known.
He was watching us.
xxx
Drunk again, I wandered to the fence.
If it electrocuted me—or if the Peacekeepers shot me—what difference would it make?
I stumbled into the forest.
No more smoke. No more fire.
Just silence.
Only a black circle remained where the flames had scorched the ground.
I dropped to my knees and dug through the ashes, searching.
Digging with my bare hands.
Digging for her.
"She's not there," a voice said behind me.
I turned.
Burdock stood there, still and quiet.
"Follow me," he said.
xxx
Through the woods, hidden deep beneath the trees, was a graveyard I'd never seen.
Four graves.
One of them: Lenore Dove.
"Some bones," Burdock said, voice strained. "And ashes. That's all we could find."
Then he left me alone with her.
I lay down beside her grave.
Pressed my face to the dirt.
Begged her to come back.
"Don't leave me. Please—don't leave me," I whispered again and again.
But she didn't answer.
She was too angry with me to listen.
So I stayed.
Stayed until my body ached and Clerk Carmine came to pull me away.
"Let her rest in peace," he said.
xxx
Standing before that last memory she left, the one Maysilee had kept secret—I made a promise.
I would honor her wish.
No more sunrises would rise on the Reaping.