Finding Hope

BPOV (Bucky)

How did I know this guy?

Why did I pull him out of the water and save his life when I was tasked with killing him?

I didn't return to the base; I needed to get free. Over the next few weeks, I kept watch. Every time I remembered something, I wrote it down in the notebook that I always kept on me. I kept remembering a woman; she was important to me.

I remembered the other soldier next to me when we met with our handler, and the need to protect her when our handler picked up her gun. I had seen her stiffen, believing that she was going to be killed. Who was she?

I saw the man again, the one I was tasked to kill. He said I knew him and called me Bucky. He said my name was James Buchanan Barnes and that he was my friend. He was in the apartment that I had gotten. It was another fight.

It always ended up in a fight. Someone who looked like me had killed someone; I knew that I hadn't killed anyone; someone was framing me.

I was captured again; there was no point in fighting. A doctor asked me about Siberia and wanted to know about the base. When I didn't say anything, he said the words. I became what I had grown to despise. The mission that the doctor gave me was to head to the base in Siberia and kill all the other Winter Soldiers, killing any that got in my way.

I was able to make my way to the Hydra base in Siberia; I killed all but one soldier. She looked familiar to me somehow.

"I gave you a task. Kill her." A voice said from behind me. I turned and killed him instead, completing the task. Getting to work, I began freeing the woman. I had seen the process when I was used as a guard when they created the others that I had just killed. I knew how to free her. But what would I tell her?

I heard another coming up behind me and entered the room. I turned on the person. It was the man from the other day, Steve, I think his name was.

"I'm not here to fight you, Bucky." He looked around at the other dead Winter soldiers. I studied him briefly before returning to work and getting this woman out.

"Oh my God, Bella!" I heard him say, sounding both hurt and confused. Was that this woman's name?

"How do I know her?" I asked.

"She's your wife and my sister. I thought she was dead. She went missing not long after I had thought you had died. I never knew what happened to her." I felt my eyes widen, looking between the two people before me. I worked harder to get her free. Had this been why I grabbed her leg when we were in front of our handler? Why I was unable to kill her when tasked with killing all the Winter Soldiers?

Once I could bring her out, it was just a matter of time until she woke up. But I knew that it wouldn't be long. She would feel disoriented for a few minutes, but not let on that she was. Just waiting for orders.
"What are you doing here, Steve?" I asked him.

"I couldn't let you go again; I already lost you both once, then finding out you're alive, I knew that I needed to do whatever it was I could to help you."

"Does anyone else know you're here?"

"Only the ones that I trust."

"I need you to leave so that when she comes out, I can talk to her. She will be distrustful, and you being here will not help at all."

Steve looked like he didn't want to go at all. Looking between me and… Bella. But with a sigh, he turned and left. Stopping at the door.

"I'll just be outside. I'll let the ones I came with know what's going on." I nodded and waited for him to leave.

That didn't tell me anything. I needed to let this woman, Bella, know somehow that the Winter Soldiers were no more and that she could be free.

I knew the second that she was with me again. Looking over to her, I saw that she was sitting there waiting for her orders, looking around for our handlers. I knew when she saw all the others dead.

"Hydra, for the most part, has fallen," I told her.

"Did I fail? Are you here to kill me?" She asked. Trying not to show emotion, just like we were trained not to.

"No. We, the Winter Soldiers, were all pawns in their game. Do you remember your name?" I asked her.

She was silent for a time.

"Why have you released me, Soldier?"

"My name is Bucky. Does that mean anything to you?"

"Bucky?" She whispered; I almost didn't catch it.

"What happened when you returned here the last time?"

"I gave my report and the files that I had gathered. Our handler decided that I had been out too long…" She struggled to remember anything else.

"It's okay. Do you remember your name?" I asked her again, not wanting to tell her before she had a chance to remember herself.

"I… it's… I can't remember."

"Your name is Bella Barnes." I couldn't help smiling at that. My name suited her.

"Bella Barnes."

"You have a brother; his name is Steve Rogers."

"Steve. I should know that name. It sounds so familiar." I gave her some time to try and bring the memories forward. It would take time.

"Barnes… I was looking for someone, someone important to me." She whispered again.

I sat there waiting, studying who I discovered was my wife. A woman that I had loved more than anything once upon a time. Noticing that she also had a vibranium arm, but hers was her right arm, while mine was the left. Looking into her eyes, I saw her starting to panic. Instinctively, I grabbed her, pulled her close, and held her. Hoping that would give her some comfort. I listened as she broke down, probably feeling like she was able to do it for the first time.

"It's okay. You're free from it all now. I'll keep you safe," I whispered, not really knowing if she would want me to stay around at all, but I hoped that she would.

Once she calmed down, she asked about her brother and asked if I knew if she had been married. Was that why she had a different name? How long had she been under?

"Your brother is here, outside, actually. I found out through him that you were married. That you were, are, my wife. You haven't been under very long since the last mission. Only a few months."

"I found you then. I have a vague memory of being cold, or I was searching for something in the cold before enemy soldiers found me. I think. I thought that it was just a dream. But that was so long ago."

"I think you have been a Winter Soldier for about as long as I have, and it's been 73 years for me." I chuckled. But there was no humor in it.

"Why were we taken? What did they want with us?" Bella asked me.

"I don't know. I wish I knew."

"What are we going to do now?"

"Try and start over? Begin to live again."

"Since we are supposedly married, do you want to stay together?" I needed to tell her what I had done.

"I was captured again a few days ago. The words were said. I was ordered to kill all of the Winter Soldiers. I killed them all, but I couldn't bring myself to kill you. So I fought the order and killed the man who gave me the orders to begin with. He's still lying on the ground. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to go and live with your brother."

"I don't know him after everything we've been through with Hydra. Whoever he is, he's a stranger."

"You should probably see him, though. We can see what he has to say." I told her with a small smile playing on my lips.

"You should smile more."

"I remember that I found myself hiding a smile each time I saw you, each time you looked at me. I also remember wanting to grab you and run each time we worked together on missions. I always felt close to you. I never knew why."

"Somehow, I remember feeling like that as well. They would catch me looking over at you. They would be especially brutal after we had any missions together."

I apologize for putting her through that.

"It's not your fault. How about we go out and see this brother of ours?" Bella said. "If he's my brother and you're my husband, he would be your brother-in-law." I must have looked confused if she was explaining it.

I couldn't help but laugh.

We walked out, leaving everything she knew behind. Since my apartment had been destroyed, I would need to look for a new place, but I would ask Bella the same question she asked me if she wanted to stay with me.

"Before we see him. I'm scared to ask, but did you want us to stay together?"

"I guess we should, being married at all," Bella told me, but she sounded as scared as I was just for asking.

I led her outside, where Steve and five others met us.

"When you asked if anyone knew I was here, these are the only ones I trust. We can do introductions later if you want."

I felt Bella's shift. She was trying to judge if we were safe, leaning back on decades of training. Steve came closer, and I felt Bella stiffen next to me. I recognized the Widow. Bella and I helped to train them.

"How about we go somewhere a little warmer?" one of the men said. Looking down at Bella, I silently asked her if that's what she wanted. I saw her small acceptance.

"Sure. Where are we going?" I asked.

"We will head home, back to the compound," Steve said. He hadn't stopped looking at Bella, and it was clear that she was becoming uncomfortable.

Once we arrived, Steve led Bella and me to an apartment within the building.

"Bucky, when I discovered that you were alive, I set up this apartment for you here in hopes that you would stay and I could help with your recovery. Now I know you're also back, Bella; it could be both of yours," Steve said.

"Thank you," Bella told him.

"Take all the time you need. I'll be in the lounge when you're ready to talk. It's a floor down," Steve said, essentially leaving us to settle in.

When I closed the door, I watched as Bella looked around before she looked down at herself. "I don't want to wear these clothes anymore. I don't want to be reminded of Hydra anymore," Bella said. I had to admit that hurt. After all, I would be the most significant reminder of Hydra, next to her vibranium arm.

"Did you want me to go?"

"No. Getting to see you made all the pain and torture worth it. I don't know what I want exactly. Maybe a hot shower."

"Sounds good."

While Bella went and checked out the bathroom, I looked around the room to see what Steve had done when he thought it was just for me. I was surprised to see that he had thought about everything; there was even a closet full of clothes. I was able to find something for Bella, even if I was unsure what she would want to wear, but I was able to put something together for her. I also got something for myself, as her idea of a hot shower really did sound wonderful.

"Bucky?" I heard her calling; I went and stood at the bathroom door.

"Yeah?"

"Can you come in here, please?"

"You really want me to?"

"Yeah." I sucked it up and walked in. I didn't know what she called me in for, but I was about to find out.

"Bella?" I called, and the room was full of steam; I was surprised it had filled up so fast. Before I could do anything else, a hand grabbed me and pulled me under the water. Her arms snaked around my waist, and I felt her shaking against me. "It's alright, I'm here, doll. Can you tell me what's wrong?" I asked her as I held her tight.

"Am I really free from it all?" She whispered.

"Yeah, you're really free. We're really free from it all. No matter what, I'll protect you now. I'll keep you safe." I whispered as I held her close. Feeling her naked skin under under, my hands felt like the best thing in the world.

I walked her back under the spray of the water and started to wash her hair as she held onto me. Once it was fully wet, I grabbed the shampoo and started to wash her hair, being as gentle as I was able to be. Once I finished doing that, I moved on to help her with the rest of her body, making sure that she was okay with each step of the process. I really didn't care that I was still dressed and that my clothes were soaked now.

Once I helped her with everything, she looked up at me; I didn't understand the look she was giving me. Before she jumped up, wrapped her legs around my waist, and began to kiss me. I moved us against the wall of the shower, and her hands started pulling at my clothes, tearing them off. Next thing I knew, I was just as naked, and she was lining me up before lowering herself down onto me; the feeling of being inside her, a memory flooded my mind, of our first time together, of our wedding night, she looked just as beautiful as she did right now.

"Bella, you feel so good," she ran her hands through my hair, pulling me closer and kissing me with a passion we had forgotten existed. The feeling of her rolling her hips over me, bringing us both closer, chasing our release. I slammed her against the shower wall, pulling her into me, thrusting up into her, kissing everywhere that I could reach, my hands running over each and every inch of her skin, listening to her panting, moaning, screaming my name. It didn't take us long before it hit us both. I wanted to scream out, but Bella kissed me, and we both swallowed the cries of the other and stayed there for a few minutes; just coming down from the high of being together, she tightened her thighs around me and lifted off me, before letting her legs down to stand in front of me.

Pushing me back under the spray of the water, she started doing for me what I had done for her; she washed my hair and body, while all I wanted was to kiss her once again while being buried within her.
Once we were out of the shower, we went and got dressed. I do not know where she found them, but I saw her pull out a pair of scissors.

"Did you want me to cut your hair? Or are you happy with the length that it is?" She asked me.

"Are you able to cut it?" I asked her. She smiled and motioned for me to follow her back into the bathroom. Once I was in there once again, she told me to sit on the chair she had brought in and placed it in front of the bathroom sink. She started to cut my hair for me. All I could think about and ask myself was how I got so lucky to have married this woman. What had she seen in me that he said yes? "Do you remember me asking you to marry me?" I asked her quietly.

"Actually, yes, I do. It's one of my first memories; each time they woke us, that was the first thing I remembered. Even if I didn't remember that it was you at first, I knew we connected, but I was always too scared to bring it up. Afraid that you wouldn't remember. In the end, I accepted that you didn't know me, so I kept quiet and just did the job Hydra wanted me to do." I couldn't help but smile at that. But I knew that if she had told me, I would have been angry that she could tell me something like that.

"I would have been angry at you if you told me," I said honestly.

"I know you would have. Just like I know now that your name is James Buchanan Barnes, we were married three months before you shipped out to the war. My name is Isabella Marie Barnes. I didn't remember that I had a brother, though."

When she finished cutting my hair, she grabbed some soap and a razor and began to shave me. Once that was finished, she smiled.

"All done. What do you think?" I didn't want to look in the mirror, so I just ran my hands through my hair and over my face before smiling.

"It feels perfect. As much as I want to stay here with you, maybe we should go and talk with your brother." I said with a deep breath.

"Yeah. I don't know if I can," Bella whispered.

"I'll be right there with you. Every step of the way."

"I know what we have done, what I've done. I don't know if I can face him, as much as I want to know why he didn't look for us, I don't know if I can face him."

"Maybe we just go and see what he has to say, and we can go from there."