A/N: Based on the head canon below.

Deeks didn't tell Kensi for years, but the events of "Silo" were the main trigger for his frequent nightmares and hyper vigilance. He knows all the events leading up to it, the many traumatic cases, near misses, and Kensi's coma likely played a role. Knowing she was going into the tunnels though, that phone call with her, it was the straw that broke him.

Takes place post "A Land of Wolves".

Kensi woke up alone in bed for the third night in a row. The previous two times, she'd stayed there, waiting for Deeks to come back. Tonight though, when she found her arms empty, and the mattress beside her cold, she slipped a t-shirt on, and padded out into the living room.

Deeks was easy enough to find, his tall frame silhouetted by moonlight as he faced one of the windows. He didn't seem to be in immediate distress, but Kensi couldn't think of any other reason he'd be up now.

"Hey, everything ok?" she asked, keeping her voice soft so she wouldn't startle him. He didn't show any physical response to her voice, which meant he'd known she was there.

He lifted one shoulder without turning. "Couldn't sleep."

"Was it another dream?" She crept closer since he didn't seem inclined to close the distance, and laid her hand over his shoulder. She could feel the tension in his muscles and the stiff way he held himself, and started rubbing in small circles, applying almost no pressure. After a few minutes, some of the tension eased, and she tried again.

"What was it about this time? Sidorov? Mexico?"

"No," he murmured. She thought that was all she would get, but then to her surprise he added, "You were in that silo again."

"What? That happened years ago and you weren't even there," she said, confused that he would dream about that of all things. His shoulders tensed again, and she frowned, gently nudging him until he turned to face her. "Deeks, how often do you dream about that day?"

"All the time," he revealed, eyes lowered to the floor. Between the less-than-ideal lighting and his bangs, she couldn't get a good read on his expression. "Well, not as much recently."

"But something triggered it again."

He glanced up slowly, unexpected guilt in his eyes. She couldn't imagine what brought it on.

"You going missing," he inhaled shakily, pressing his lips together as he looked to the ceiling now. "Not knowing where you were, if you were alive or—just all of it. Brings me right back to that day when you called me and I didn't think I'd ever hear your voice again."

"Oh my god, baby," Kensi whispered, cupping his cheek in her palm. He shivered at the contact. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried, in my own way." There was a sadness to his voice; he worked so hard to be positive most of the time, which made the contract that much more jarring. "I started talking about leaving more. Certainly brought it up before then, but that day, and case…it changed something. It made me realize how much danger we, you, were in every single day, and the thought of losing you like that terrified me more than anything that has or could ever happen to me."

He exhaled slowly, looking as though he'd revealed a huge secret. Kensi supposed he had.

"And that's when you started being more vigilante about being with me during dangerous cases," Kensi realized. "Especially outside of LA." She felt so stupid for not making the connection.

"Yeah. In my mind, if I could be by your side, then I could keep you safe, if we couldn't leave yet. And then, I know it doesn't excuse some of the things I said, but, um, when we started talking about going to Mexico to get Derrick Mosley back, I just lost it. All I could see was the most important person in my life never coming back home."

"Well, you were pretty close with that one," Kensi whispered. She'd always known Deeks struggled more with the dangerous side of their jobs after a point, but she hadn't put the triggering even into place. It put everything into perfectly awful perspective.

The desperation she'd seen in Deeks' eyes, in his voice when he'd asked her to leave with him instead of going to Mexico.

Deeks stared down at her with a mixture of apprehension and pleading. She silently cursed herself for making him feel he couldn't be completely truthful about this topic with her. Even with their improved communication, the tendency to push it down seemed ingrained.

Sliding her hands down his arms, she stopped at his hands, and grasped them in hers, bringing them between their chests.

"Baby, I need you to tell me these things. Even if you think I won't want to hear it, or it might upset me. I know I've reacted…poorly in the past, but I promise I won't shut you out like that again. Your well-being, your happiness is important too, and I am so sorry that I made you think it wasn't."

He nodded once, not resisting when Kensi wrapped her arms around his back. His body melted into her, and she could only imagine how tired he was. She dragged her fingers through the curls at the nape of his neck, keeping it up until he was completely relaxed against her.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" she asked softly. He lifted one shoulder.

"If I fall asleep, I'll probably just have another nightmare," he muttered.

"Then I'll hold you through them. And talk you through it." She kissed the side of his head. "I just don't want you to go through this alone anymore."

He didn't answer, but eased back, letting her take his hand, and lead him back to their bedroom.