A/N: A little ficlet exploring Deeks' thoughts during "Omni".
He tells himself it'll get better. If he just goes to work, and pretends he's ok, it'll eventually be true.
Deeks shows up to work four months and thirteen days after the day he was tied up and tortured with a power drill. Two weeks since his boss showed up in the mess of his apartment, giving his already shaky nervous system a shock. Six days since his partner appeared on his doorstep with greasy takeout and lulled him into the first real sleep he'd had in weeks.
He's a little surprised he actually makes it through the door and into the bullpen. Everything in him want to turn around, walk back out, and never step foot there again. Somehow he stays though.
Right off the bat he can tell Kensi is still worried about him, but pretending that she's not. They dance around the giant elephant of his torture and trauma, the fact that a few days ago he hadn't slept in weeks, and fall into their usual banter.
He is not ready, in fact. Yet he feels the pressure to get it together or get out, so he pushes on. It's easier with Kensi. Joking with her is second nature, it feels good, normal, and he smiles genuinely for the first time that day.
He fakes it, which he's pretty damn good at, but under the jokes and insistence that he's fine, Deeks is fighting against the constant onslaught of flashbacks and anxiety. Every grinding or whirring sound has him clenching his jaw. The physical damage may be gone, but he thinks the pain might never leave.
He misses the shot. Hell, he doesn't even take the shot. Thousands of hours of practice, hundreds of shots fired in the field, and it's all gone in a second. He freezes. It's a little surprising that Hetty doesn't kick him out right then and there. She'd hinted at it when he'd been knee-deep in self-help books.
Somehow he gets to stay though. Despite Callen's protests, despite his mistakes. He gets to stay. A part of him still wants to go, to listen to the part of his brain that says he permanently broken and will never be the same again.
Deeks ignores it. He lets Kensi talk him into going for Korean as she distracts him with her weird dance. He appreciates it even if he can't quite make himself respond with his usual jokes and innuendoes.
It'll get better.
Maybe if he pretends long enough, it will actually be true.