Cuddy put on some soft jazz as she walked into her kitchen to make some sandwiches for herself. It had been a tiring day. She had back-to-back meetings with donors and department heads. She was so tired but coming home to Rachel had been so satisfying. She loved her coos and gurgles. She loved holding her baby in her arms. She loved every second of it, despite what her mother said.
She hadn't seen House much around the hospital, though she had later heard that he had done some clinic duty. Him doing clinic duty without her prompting him was almost unheard of. It also worried her. As his boss, she wanted him to do his job, but as his girlfriend - was she his girlfriend - she didn't want him to do things just because it would make her happy. She didn't want him to change.
The doorbell rang and Cuddy walked to the main door. She opened the door to find House standing there. He was dressed in his coat and jeans, and the slight smirk on his face told her that he had solved his case.
"Hey," she said, letting him in. He shrugged off his coat. "I wasn't expecting you."
"Should I have called?" he asked. His voice gave away nothing but she could see some insecurity in his eyes.
"No," she answered, standing on her toes to give him a hug. "I was just about to make sandwiches. You want?" she asked.
He gave her a small nod. "Where's the kid?" he asked.
"She just fell asleep. You wanna check on her?" she asked. He nodded. Cuddy felt her heart swell. House wanted to build a relationship with Rachel. She watched as he went to the nursery. Sandwiches. Right. She hurried to the kitchen and began to make some egg salad sandwich. House joined her soon enough. He had his differential face on. "How's your patient?" she asked him.
"A liar. And suffering from Angiostrongylus cantonensis. Rat lungworm," he told her. She listened attentively as he described the prognosis and the treatment. His eyes were bright. He really enjoyed medicine. "You are not gonna put pickle in that, are you?" he asked suddenly.
She frowned. "No. I know you don't like pickles." She continued to assemble the food. She had always found it weird that he was so strongly against pickles.
"I used to love them. Always wanted them. One day, it pissed him off. Made me finish the entire jar. That was my dinner. Started hating them."
Cuddy felt punched. She should have killed that bastard when he was alive. He used something House loved to hurt him. No wonder he was always so guarded. Cuddy focused on him. He was looking away.
"Thank you for sharing this with me," she told him. "Thank you for trusting me."
"Don't be stupid. Trusting you is easy."
Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away. His trust meant so much to her. He trusted her enough to share his deepest secrets with her. He trusted her enough to go to psychiatrist just because she said it helped. She wished she could express this feeling in words.
"I am hungry," House spoke, interrupting her thoughts. She rolled her eyes and handed him his sandwiches. They ended up sitting side by side on the couch. It felt so comfortable and normal. It felt like something she had craved all along.
"I have chronic pain," House said, once they had finished eating. Cuddy looked at him, wondering where the conversation was going. She didn't interrupt though. "A relationship with me would mean dealing with the pain. I won't be able to run around with Rachel. Few years down the line, I won't be able to pick her up."
She waited for him to speak further but when he didn't, she reached to touch his arm. "I know all of this, House."
"You don't know how bad the pain can get," he said. It was true. She didn't know that. "I keep morphine at home. Only use it as a last resort. For times when nothing works."
Morphine. What the hell? She looked away from him as her thoughts ran into a thousand directions. Morphine was dangerous. Even as a last resort, it could have long term implications. Why hadn't he told her? Or Wilson? Because neither of you believed him. She shivered. To know that the pain could get so bad that he would self-inject morphine. How long ago had this started? God. What kind of a doctor was she? How had she never known about this? How had she missed everything when it came to House? She claimed to love this man and yet she failed to notice his pain. Instead, she had ridiculed him. She had made stupid bets. She had forced him into a rapid detox. After ten years on painkillers, there was obviously some physiological dependence. But she had ignored that. House was right. She was a terrible doctor.
"How often do you use it?" she asked, her throat choked with emotions.
"Once a month maybe. Sometimes I can go for months without it. I am not addicted. I only take it when the flare-ups are too bad. I tried hurting myself, but I guess that's riskier than morphine."
She shivered now. He tried hurting himself. He thought hurting himself was better than coming to her. He had come to you and you had given him a placebo. But the placebo had worked. The pain had been psychosomatic.
She felt an arm wrap around her. He was trying to comfort her. She leaned into him, reaching to caress his cheek. "I am sorry," she whispered.
"Come on, this isn't your fault." He looked at her. "The pain was psychosomatic that time."
"I did other things. I made you believe that you couldn't come to me."
"You don't mind the morphine?" he asked.
"I mind that you were in so much pain and I didn't notice." She looked into his eyes and saw insecurity and bewilderment. "Did you think this was going to be the deal breaker?" He looked away. "House. I told you. I am not going to leave. I want you to tell me when it gets that bad. I want to be there for you. I want us to find a better solution. Morphine is dangerous. You know that. House?"
"I thought it was Greg in private," he quipped. She smiled, hearing his agreement.
"Thank you for sharing this with me," she whispered. "I know you don't like talking about your pain. You are still doing this."
"What about Rachel?" he asked. "She will have to grow up with all of this. She will always have to be careful around my leg. She will wonder why I don't pick her up or why I don't run around with her. She will be scared."
"Greg," Cuddy interrupted him. She loved how he was seeing Rachel as a part of their future. "We will talk to her. We will explain things to her in simple terms. We will reassure her. She will grow understanding chronic illness; she will develop empathy and compassion."
He looked at her, his gorgeous blue eyes shining with unshed tears. "I love you," he whispered.
"I asked her out on a date," House announced as he settled on the armchair for his session. If this was supposed to help then so be it. "After she kissed me. After I played her the serenade I wrote for her after Michigan." He told Bennet all about Saturday.
"This is great, Dr. House. Congratulations," Bennet responded. "How are you feeling about it?"
House looked away, twirling his cane in his hand. How did he feel? Cuddy loved him. She wanted a relationship with him. She wanted him in Rachel's life. She wanted to work with him to find a better solution than morphine. "Hopeful," he answered. "Scared."
"Why are you scared?" Bennet asked.
Why was he scared? He was scared because it was scary. It had been a long time since he had let someone in like this. And the last person had misused his trust, had signed a procedure he didn't want and had given him life-long disability. And what he felt for her was nowhere close to what he had felt for Stacy. Then there was the pain. She said she didn't mind the morphine. She said she wanted to find a better solution. But nothing ever worked. She thought his pain would help the kid develop empathy and compassion.
"Let's take it one by one. Do you think she would do what Stacy did?"
"No," House said firmly. Cuddy would argue with him till he gave in but she wouldn't backstab him like that. She would reason with him, maybe try to bribe him. "Thing is I didn't want Stacy to leave. I was angry. I didn't want her to leave though."
"Are you afraid your boss would leave?"
House paused and looked at the doctor. "Why do you keep calling her my boss? You know who she is. She is the reason behind PPTH's fame."
"And in a public setting, I would surely address her with her name. But this isn't one, and you haven't told me her name."
"I am not afraid that she would leave," House said looking away. "I am afraid that I will hurt her and push her away, and like Stacy she will see no other way. She is a mother, much better than mine was. She will have to think about her kid."
"And you feel that you are not the right person to be around her child?"
"Are you even listening?" House snapped. "I have chronic pain. In case you don't know, it means that I am always in pain. I take opioids to deal with it, even inject myself with morphine when nothing else works. These things will scare her."
"What pain medication do you use normally?"
"Vicodin."
"Prescription strength?"
House nodded. "I had increased it over the years. Then I got into an accident few months ago. I detoxed and I am back to the proper regimen."
"And how often do you use morphine?"
"Once a month maybe. Sometimes I can go for months without it." House wondered where this conversation was going.
"All of this indicates that you are not an addict but are dealing with a medical condition. Yes, seeing you in pain will not be a pleasant experience but you can ensure that it is not traumatic. Like she suggested, you can talk to the child and explain in child-friendly terms. You can tell her that you were sick some while ago and that is why your leg hurts. You need to take medication. You can keep reassuring her. And it will help developing a sense of empathy."
House absorbed this. This was what Cuddy had said. Was it really so simple? "I won't be able to run around with her, and so many other things."
"There is no book that says that you have to. All you have to do is love her. Unconditionally. As long as you do that, it will be fine. You will make mistakes like everyone else. I am sure she does too. The important thing is what you do after that." House looked away. He was scared of making mistakes. He was scared of hurting Rachel. "You are not alone, Dr. House. We'll keep working on things together. And you can also lean on her for support."
Wilson had been checking on a patient when he heard the nurses gossiping about Cuddy. It was the talk around the hospital. She was ridiculously happy and was often heard humming a song. Wilson himself had witnessed this a few times. He was happy for Cuddy but humming a song raised some suspicion.
He knocked on her office door and entered after a 'come in'. She was sitting at her desk, working on some file. She had a small smile on her lips. "Wilson. How can I help you?"
"What's going on with you?" he asked, dropping into the chair in front of her.
"I will answer that question as soon as I know what you are talking about," she replied. She hadn't stopped smiling.
"You have been ridiculously happy all this week. You have been heard humming a song. What's going on?"
"Of course. Me doing those things is such a huge cause of concern that the head of oncology has to come fishing for information."
"You have been humming a song," Wilson reasoned. "That is unheard of."
"I am happy. I have a daughter at home whose very presence makes me happy. She is reaching her milestones. She has started smiling at me. I am in love, Wilson."
Somehow that didn't seem to be the entire truth. She was hiding something. Call him insane but having House as your friend does sharpen your lie detection skills. He didn't argue with her though. Her jaw was set and Wilson knew instinctively that she was not going to give him anything else. He excused himself and left her alone.
In his office, Wilson wondered what could be going on. Cuddy was not lying when she said she was in love with Rachel. He had visited them and Cuddy was completely lost in the child. She loved her to pieces and Wilson prayed that there would be no complications with the adoption.
His mind switched to House. Today was Friday, which meant House had PT today. He was glad that House was trying to deal with his pain. He could also see that the pain was bad these days. No doubt the weather was affecting it. He had tried talking about it but House was as locked up on this topic as ever. Of course, Stacy's presence didn't make things any easier.
Stacy.
Wilson had been there when Stacy had left. House had been miserable. It was as if he had given up on everything. For days, Wilson had begged him to come out of bed. Nothing had worked until a conversation with his father. After that conversation, it was as if House was on a warpath. He had worked hard to get back on his feet. His posture and his balance were actually quite good for someone who had been using a cane for over a decade now.
Stacy was back now. Wilson really thought Stacy was perfect for House. She was the one who knew him before the pain. She was the one who had been there. She was the one who could support him best. But House refused to talk to her. Every time Wilson had brought it up, House had snapped at him. It was understandable though. It was an old wound.
Wilson drove to House's home after he was done at the hospital. He picked up some Chinese, taking ample amount of time. House had mentioned that he would be going to Trenton for his PT session. He didn't have to wait for too long before House was home.
"You have the key, Jimmy boy," House reminded him. Wilson smiled as he followed his friend into the apartment.
"How was the session?" he asked.
"Fine," House answered. Yep, totally locked up.
They settled on the couch as House put on some daily soap on the TV. They ate in comfortable silence. Wilson enjoyed the silence too. His friendship with House was probably one of the best things in his life.
"Do you know what's going on with Cuddy?" he asked. House looked at him weirdly. "She keeps humming a song. Hasn't stopped smiling all week."
"And that is a problem. Why?"
"Aren't you curious?"
"She is got a kid. Probably still living the honeymoon phase."
"Funny. She said almost the same thing."
"She thinks it's a honeymoon phase?"
"No. But she used Rachel as an excuse too."
"And you don't believe her?"
"Do you?"
House gave him a pure House smirk. He knew something that he wasn't telling. Wilson shook his head but didn't pursue. He knew Cuddy trusted House. That was the reason she had asked for his help with IVF. And House trusted Cuddy. That was why she was his proxy. He wondered how they could fight like they did and still trust each other as much as they did. He briefly wondered why he wasn't trusted as much. But the answer was right there.
"I am sorry," Wilson whispered.
"For thinking that Cuddy is lying to you?" House asked.
"For DBS," Wilson answered. House looked away. "I can't believe I did that, House. I almost killed you."
"You had no choice," House replied. "She was your girlfriend. You loved her. I am sure you still do."
"You are my friend, House. I shouldn't have put your life at risk."
House didn't answer and Wilson had a sinking feeling in his stomach. Did House really think that his life was not as important as Amber?
"When I was in the coma," House said. He was still looking away. Wilson looked at him. "I was back on the bus. With Amber. It didn't hurt there. I wanted to stay. I didn't want to be in pain. I didn't want to be miserable. And I didn't want you to hate me." He scoffed. "She made me get off the bus."
"House," Wilson spoke but didn't know how to continue. I wanted to stay. I didn't want to be in pain. I didn't want to be miserable. And I didn't want you to hate me. "I never hated you," Wilson said. "I just needed someone to blame and you were right there. House, I never hated you. And what happened wasn't your fault. It was just tragic."
"You want something to drink?" House asked, obviously done with the conversation. Wilson let him avoid but the pit in his stomach was still there.
"Hello Dr. Cuddy. How was your week?" Dr. Mitchell asked as Cuddy settled down on the couch.
"A lot of things," Cuddy said. "It was awesome and satisfying and wonderful. Parts of it are scary though." Like the part of House self-injecting morphine.
"Let's talk about it one at a time," Dr. Mitchell suggested. "Where do we start?"
"Last Saturday," Cuddy answered. She couldn't stop the smile that appeared on her face. Greg House loved her. "Like I told you, House was babysitting Rachel at his apartment. So, I went there. He had been playing the piano for her. He never plays it for an audience. Later he played it for me too. His own composition. Cuddy's serenade."
Dr. Mitchell smiled at that. "And how did that make you feel?"
"It was everything. It was like he brought me to a world that was waiting to be explored. I kissed him. And then he asked me on a date."
"Did you say yes?"
"Of course, I did." She smiled. "We are going tonight. He won't tell me where though." Cuddy told the doctor about other things that happened. House's vulnerability and fears. His fear of hurting Rachel. His insecurity. His unwillingness to share this with someone. "I wish we could but I agree with him. We both have our own issues. The bets and gossips are not gonna help either of us."
"Let's talk about your issues, Dr. Cuddy. What is bothering you?"
Cuddy released a deep sigh but she didn't evade. She told the psychiatrist about her guilt of not noticing House's pain. She told about her fears of not being able to separate the professional and the personal. She told about her worry that House would try to change himself, just to make her happy. And finally, she talked about the morphine.
"Let's take it all one at a time," Dr. Mitchel said. "You said you feel guilty about not noticing his pain."
"He needs to take morphine," Cuddy said. "I ignored his pain. I forced him to detox. I made a stupid bet. I did everything that convinced him that I wouldn't believe him."
"Are you afraid that he will hurt Rachel?"
"No." That was one thing Cuddy was sure off. House was great with kids. She had no doubt that he would be great with Rachel. "You should see him with her. He is so caring and so gentle. Like she is something so precious to him." She smiled at the memories of House with Rachel before continuing. "I am worried that I'll do something wrong. I'll miss his pain or I'll push him away by drawing too much attention to it. I just want to do everything right."
"You can't and you shouldn't have to," Dr, Mitchell said. "You are human and you are bound to make mistakes. You are both navigating through a lot of fear and vulnerability, which is completely understandable. But it also sounds like there is a deep trust and care between you two, which is a strong foundation." Cuddy sighed. That was true, she thought. "Have you talked to him about these fears?"
"No. I don't want to push him."
"Communication is very important, Dr. Cuddy. You can't hide your fears to avoid making him feel cornered. You will have to find the balance, which will be a process. It is okay to take it slow and to make mistakes. They will bring you closer. You don't need to be perfect."
Yes. She didn't need to be perfect for House. He saw through her pretence. He saw everything she hid from the world. And that was a beautiful feeling for her. To have someone who saw the real her and still loved her.