Breath Fogging Broken Pieces

Itsuki had to fight the urge to get out of the car and shout into the night.

Don't. Stay strong, stay here. Don't leave her alone now. This isn't about you, it's about her. But—oh, how badly I wanna punch that asshole in the face! Watch him spit out teeth and blood...

The silence in the car stayed. Nelly's exclamation still echoing through their minds.

Their breathing was the only sound filling the air. Itsuki felt the burning hot rage throughout his entire body, like glowing metal scrapings coating his skin. It took a lot to not explode. To not scream his anger out into the dark, to not break things. He was trembling. He had to hold himself back with all his strength.

But then he glanced at Nelly again, who had curled herself into a tight ball. Her expression was hidden, but her shoulders were trembling.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but... Nells, I can tell you're blaming yourself. Don't. He was a monster and an asshole. He deserves to be in jail. What he did, was beyond fucked up. What kind of a monster does that? To a woman?! His wife?! That's fucking disgusting and sick! What kind of a sadistic, sick, psychopath does that? I can't believe the fact that I was rooting for him when we were in school, thinking he was a nice, sweet guy. He was so good at pretending, it makes me sick. I can't believe that you, of all people, suffered like this." This is the first time in many years he showed so much negative emotion in his spoken words. And he could feel it. It felt different, but not wrong. Letting it out.

Damn it! I didn't only abandon her after being the only friend she opened up to, but I also ignored the warning signs when I saw them. I'm the worst! He thought, and punched the steering wheel in frustration.

Nelly was shocked, speechless. She lifted her head out of her hands.

"You were suffering and I didn't do anything about it. You needed me and I wasn't there. It's my fault!"

"No, it's not. I didn't tell anyone about my struggles. And I didn't let anyone notice. I was trying my best. I hid the pain and pretended. We weren't friends at that time."

"And that's on me. Because I abandoned you. Just like everyone else, but I should've been different. I should've seen. You needed me. You needed a friend and I wasn't there. Instead, I was hanging out with the same guys who bullied and made fun of you."

"That's not your fault. We hung out a lot, had deep conversations, and did funny and crazy stuff. When our classmates noticed, they assumed we were dating. I didn't care, because I thought it doesn't matter what they think, we know the truth of it. But I was wrong to expect the same of you. I was unpopular, and being assumed to be dating me would've made them bully you too. You distanced yourself for your own safety. I understand that. It hurt, but I do understand. Please, don't blame yourself."

"I still feel guilty. Because if I wouldn't have abandoned you, maybe it would've ended differently."

"You didn't abandon me. You were just afraid. You didn't want to be unpopular. Now, please, calm down."

Itsuki scoffed.

"Stop! You always do that. Push down your own problems to help others. Even if your issues are far worse. I hate it! How can you expect me to be calm after what you just told me?! How can you be so calm yourself? You were just trembling, telling me something deeply traumatic, and now you're the one who's comforting me." Itsuki was close to tears.

"Because, when someone else is suffering, my issues seem minor in comparison. It's easier to focus on others than on yourself. And, I'm sorry. But you're right. I'm not calm. My heart is racing and I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. I'm just good at hiding it. At least, that's what I was always told. Nobody could see past my facade. But it's exhausting. Especially when no one is there to see the real me, the one I hide. And now, the dam broke. I couldn't hold it anymore. All of my feelings. They're flooding me, overwhelming me. I'm going insane. I can't keep up the pretense anymore. This is why I wanted to end it. I'm sorry for dragging you into this, dumping all of it on you. After years of silence. Thanks for listening and being a great friend," Nelly was on the verge of breakdown, her tears threatening to break out. She unbuckled her seatbelt, her hand on the door handle.

"Wait," Itsuki's tone softened and his voice cracked, "don't go."

"It's okay, you've heard enough. You don't have to deal with this anymore. And you don't have to force yourself to listen to me. It's alright, you don't have to stay. You can just leave. You're not a therapist. I'll walk home now."

"No. Please. Stay. Don't walk, I'll drive you home. Please, don't leave. I'm not going anywhere."

"But... Why? After all these years, why would you bother?"

"Because I've been struggling with the exact same thing. Trying to act funny and happy. But the truth is, I'm not. I'm just a lonely idiot, with no friends. The guys I've been convincing myself are my friends, don't like having me around. They make fun of me, get annoyed. All the time. I've been pretending that I don't mind it, or that they're joking. But the truth is, I do. It hurts. But, just like you, I'm not good at showing how I really feel. Instead, I pretend. Pretend to be happy and confident. Pretend to be okay with being a joke. With giving up my small remaining dignity in order to get people to at least laugh on the inside. To not be completely disliked. It hurts. But I don't know any other way. I've been acting this way since elementary school. Since the moment the first kid pointed out that I was weird and the others agreed, and then laughed. Since then, I've been desperate for a laugh. Desperate for a smile. If I can get a laugh out of people, maybe they'll see something in me, and maybe I'll have a chance to have people at least stick around for the entertainment. It's the only purpose I have. If people don't like me for who I am, if I can't be successful in life, I can at least cause people to laugh. Or at least grin a bit. Because, if I can't be happy, at least other people can."

Nelly inhaled, getting ready to speak. But Itsuki interrupted her, not done talking.

"But, Nelly. When you told me I saved your life, I felt something. A sense of fulfillment. It was the first time I could make an impact on someone, greater than just a laugh. A significant difference. Made a change without killing a part of myself, hurting my self-esteem further. I feel like I just made a massive difference. I'm the reason you got another chance at life. You won today's battle of the war against yourself. Have another day more, with another opportunity to win tomorrow's. It's the biggest, most meaningful, positive difference I've ever made. And, I know you can be victorious. If not alone, then you'll be strong enough to ask for help now. Because, if everything goes to shit, I'm still going to be there. I'm not going anywhere, because now I know what it feels like. What I've been missing. The feeling of validation. Knowing you've done something good, not only for yourself, but for someone else too. The feeling that you actually helped someone. The feeling that you are not useless."

"Itsuki..." Nelly was on the verge of tears, so was Itsuki.

"Please, promise me. If things ever get that bad again, and you ever feel the need to harm yourself, please call me."

"I promise," Nelly's voice broke, her tears rolling down her face.

The sight of her tears seemed to pierce through his heart like a spear. It felt like someone had torn his heart into tiny little pieces, and then stepped on each and every single one.

He couldn't hold it back. The tears escaped, he tried to keep his focus, but failed. He broke down.

The hell should I do? I want to comfort her, but I don't know how...

Itsuki felt powerless, and angry. He wanted to hug her, but couldn't risk triggering her.

I doubt a hug from a guy would be very beneficial...

"Nells," he started quietly.

"I-I'm sorry. But, can we just sit in silence for a while?"

"Sure. Of course."

"Thank you."

And that's what they did. They sat in silence. The atmosphere was heavy, both of them cried and didn't talk.

Nelly was the first one to pull herself together and get her thoughts in order.

"Itsuki, thank you. I mean it."

"Of course."

"No, really. You've done more for me tonight, than anyone else did in a long time. You didn't judge me, and didn't try to invalidate my feelings. And you listened. That's all I could've asked for. Thank you. And, I'm sorry for making you cry."

"I'm not crying because of what you told me. I'm crying because I feel guilty and frustrated. Angry at the son of a bitch who hurt you, and sad about the fact that you were forced to deal with it alone. I'm angry, not at you, but at myself. At him. At the world."

"Why? You're not responsible. You're not at fault. And there was nothing you could've done."

"You're wrong. There was a lot I could've done. If I wouldn't have abandoned you after becoming friends, if I wouldn't have been so shallow, and actually looked closer. If I wouldn't have been an idiot. But instead, I didn't. I ignored and forgot. Because it was easier."

"It's okay, Itsuki. You couldn't have known. You didn't ignore me on purpose."

"Maybe, but... Still. I feel like I should've seen. Should've said something, asked you if you were alright. Offered help. You're the only true friend I ever had. But I didn't know, and I abandoned you."

That's so cheesy, why did I say that? He mentally slapped himself.

"But, you're here now. That's all that matters. We can't change the past. Now, what time is it? We've been out for quite a while now."

"Yeah. You're right." Itsuki glanced at the clock on his dashboard, which read 1:12 a.m. "It's a bit after one."

"We've been here for two hours? Damn. It didn't feel that long. Time flies by, doesn't it?"

"It sure does. Especially during such fun times," he chuckled through his drying tears, sarcastically.

"Absolutely," Nelly joined him.

They shared a laugh, before silence took over again.

"Can you drop me off at my place now?" Nelly broke the silence.

"Sure."

"Thank you."

"Anytime. But I have one condition."

"What is it?"

"You won't do anything that'll harm you between now and the next time we meet. And if the urge gets too intense, you give me a call."

Not just now, never. But, saying it like this, with a smaller interval, might make it easier for her to follow.

"Yes, I promise."

"Good. Then, let's go."

Nelly put her seatbelt back on and Itsuki started the car again. The drive back to her place was comfortably silent.

When they arrived there, Itsuki stopped the car and she undid her seatbelt.

"Goodnight, Itsuki. Thank you. For everything. Listening, being here, saving me. It means a lot."

"No problem, Nells. Sleep well."

"You too. And, if the guys make fun of you, try not to let it get to you. You're much more than what they see."

"Thanks. I'll try."

"See ya, and have a good night."

"You too. See ya."

Nelly exited the car, closing the door, and then disappeared into the building.

Itsuki drove back to his place. But before he got out of the car, his face fell into his hands.

Fuck.

His mind was racing, thinking about the conversation they just had.

Damn it! I should've been there. Shouldn't have abandoned her. I can't believe that asshole! And the fact that he made her marry him. That he... Itsuki couldn't handle finishing this thought.

His blood started boiling again. But his emotional breakdown got interrupted by the present. His gaze fell to the passenger seat, where a hair tie seemed to have fallen out of Nelly's pocket.

I'll bring it back to her after work tomorrow. His hand reached over, grabbing the rubber band and putting it around the rearview mirror, so he wouldn't forget about it.

Itsuki then left the car and went to his apartment. He was tired and it was already almost 2:00 a.m.

He opened the door as quietly as possible and walked in, heading straight to his room.

He closed the door behind himself and let himself fall on the bed.

Luckily he was too tired for his thoughts to haunt him. He drifted off to sleep quickly.

Author's Note: This is only the beginning of this story; like a pilot episode. As you can tell, it doesn't have much to do with Initial D apart from the setting and chatacters. It was a deliberate choice, though. It will benefit the narrative. This is going to be a deep dive into hidden emotions, emotional growth, coping mechanisms, complex relationship building and mental healing. I'm pouring my heart into this story, it's my passion project. I love interpreting, analyzing and reflecting psychological behaviors. (Just don't mind my English too much, I'm not a native speaker.)