Haymitch's pov
The trip from the capitol to the 12 only took a few hours. With a "see you tomorrow" I left Katniss alone at home. The fire in the fireplace warmed the living room. I threw myself down on the same old couch and pulled out a bottle.
By the third empty bottle I was glad I suggested bringing Sae to the district, who was I kidding, I couldn't take care of anyone and Katniss needed someone better than me.
"boy" I heard Sae's voice. I opened my eyes groggily. "eat" she pointed her head at my plate of hot food
"you just have to take care of her" I replied
"What about you? Are you going to get boozed to death?"
"I don't see a more beautiful death" , I joked. The woman just looked me straight in the eye with an impassive expression that made me uncomfortable. "now is a good time to say it"
"say what?"
"what you've been holding back all these years. Say it, I won't make you feel guilty, the truth is I've been waiting a long time for you to say it, the others didn't dare but I knew"
"I have nothing to say or reproach you for"
"I killed your son and many others" I murmured
"I remember my son. Dawn Brown, he was reaped the year after your victory. That year was one of the most horrible years for our district. You mentored him and did what you could with what you had. You were only 17 years old, your family had been murdered and yet, without me being there, I know you did what you could."
"That's not true."
"He was only twelve, he had no chance of winning and you know it. To blame you for the death of my son or the other boys that followed would be taking the responsibility away from the capitol for what they did to us" I took a long drink from my bottle. I remembered Dawn Brown's frightened face "you were a kid too Haymitch. There has to come a day when you forgive yourself and live again" I snorted laughing humorlessly, forgive myself? There was no such thing for me. "The girl, is she gonna come?" i shook my head "you shouldn't punish yourself for loving her. She was good for you" the problem was that I wasn't good for her. I had only brought her more misery
"if that's all you came for" I pointed to the door "Katniss is the one who needs you, I'll take care of myself" Sae left without another word and complied with my request not to come back.
One day turned into two and with them weeks passed. Time passed like mist before my eyes. Some days I would come out of my hole and look out the window to see the girl. Each time she was in the same place, immobile. There was no life there.
Returning to District 12 was like walking through a debris field, a place where everything I once knew and valued disintegrated before my eyes. Destruction was everywhere, but the worst thing wasn't the ruined buildings or the scorched land. No. The worst was the emptiness, the abyss in my chest that would not be filled with anything. Not even with the hope that someday I might feel something other than this weight again.
The nights were the hardest. Faces haunted my mind and the silence was deafening. There wasn't enough alcohol in this world to help me erase this whole nightmare from my mind. And if that wasn't enough torture, the few times I managed to sleep I saw her and him. Laughing, just being happy. Nothing more tortuous than dreaming of something that never was.
As the days went by, this house returned to its old state, before Hazelle. The rats were my only company. They fed on the burnt remains of my food, my vomit and maybe one of these days my body.
A violent shaking of my body jolted me awake. I raised my knife at the intruder until my eyes adjusted to the light and I recognized the person in front of me. Peeta. Looking serious, and in better shape than I would have expected.
"Sae made a stew," was his greeting. He put the plate on the table but didn't sit down. He just folded his arms looking at me. Halfway through my plate I finally found my voice.
"How long ago did you arrive?"
"A week ago" I didn't remember seeing him, well I didn't remember if this was his first visit or not. "I had a hard time coming here" he answered my unspoken question
"No hard feelings," I said. Peeta looked at me frowning "what do you want kid?"
"Are you done?"
"yeah, I don't think I can eat anymore without throwing up" he grimaced
"where are they?"
"What thing?"
"the letters" old Sae threw me the mail I received at the door. I didn't bother to look at who they were from, except for two, which I had forced myself to ignore.
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"Yes you do. Since you never picked up the phone. You could at least make the effort to answer it, you know?"
"Was that you calling incessantly? It's annoying, that thing." One day it drove me crazy enough that I ripped it out of the wall. I didn't need anyone's calls.
"Not just me. Dr. Aurelius, Leila too" I grabbed my bottle and went to the living room plopping down on the couch. Peeta followed me alone a few minutes later. "Here" he tossed in my lap a letter. "I don't need to read it to know its contents, I'll come in two days for your answer or I'll make one for you"
"Excuse me?" I replied angrily "who the hell are you taking yourself for? Leave me alone and stay out of my business, boy."
The boy ignored me, turned and walked away. I looked at the letter in my lap. It was from Leila. Someday she would get tired of writing to me and move on. I took a drink. She and Milly would have a happy life or so I hoped. I leaned over to catch another bottle.
They were probably now in their district starting from scratch. Little tremor must be happy to get all her things and toys back. The bottle was empty again.
The door burst open dazzling me. Peeta was here again. He tossed a sheet of paper on the living room table.
"Just sign your name" It was a letter written in almost perfect imitation of my handwriting "I would have signed it for you myself, though I thought I should at least have your approval" I gave it a quick read and felt my blood boil.
"Why do you care so much?"
"why don't you? I don't think she deserves this treatment from you, at least let her move on. Sign it or answer her yourself. The train leaves tomorrow afternoon, I'll come for the letter in the morning." with a slam of the door he left.
I reread what Peeta had written. Not only was his response shallow and cold, it also made it clear to her that I was better off, meeting someone else, and asking her to never contact me again. And I was the cruel one for not responding...this paper was worse and a big lie.
Filled with rage I threw the table, breaking the empty bottles that were on it. Damn boy, who had authorized him to arrange my life. He knew nothing and dared to give me lessons. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Leila's last letter getting wet with the spilled liquor. Fuck! I rushed to pick it up and dry it with my dirty shirt full of my own vomit.
I searched my desk for where I had left the other letters. One from Beetee, 2 from Aurelius, and finally 2 from Leila. I took several breaths before I dared to open her letters. The first one, only a few lines long, sent me memories of Milly, asked me if I was okay, and asked me to answer the phone.
The second one left me with a twist in my stomach. It was a long and heartfelt letter asking me for forgiveness, forgiveness for her actions, words and a lot of other things she blamed herself for.
The third one was hard for me to finish. I felt enormous helplessness and guilt with every word from Leila. She wasn't asking me, she was begging me to forgive her. She was working on herself together with Aurelius, she was promising me that she was going to get better and be better.
Peeta was right. I was unconsciously punishing her with my silence and she didn't deserve that, because for everything she blamed herself for, I didn't blame her for anything.
I picked up the letter written by Peeta and read it again. I knew that as soon as she read these words I would hurt her in an unimaginable way breaking any feelings she had for me. Eventually the wound would heal and I would become part of a bitter past. That was for the best. However, my selfish side kept me from signing.
Every time my pen hand approached the page it froze. I drank, seeking to find the courage I lacked at the end of the bottle, only succeeding in knocking myself unconscious.
When I opened my eyes I met Peeta's watchful gaze. Sitting in a chair he was holding the unsigned letter. I waited for him to say something but he remained silent.
"I couldn't sign it" I whispered. After what seemed like hours Peeta finally spoke.
"I'm glad Milly is alive" I looked at Peeta confused "if it wasn't for her Leila would have followed you, you know that? she would be putting up with all your shit, it wouldn't be fair to her to go back to living in a place like this" I nodded in agreement. I took the letter from his hands and with a firmness rare in me, I signed it and handed it back to him. I expected him to go away again but he just looked at me even more angrily.
"There's something else you want to tell me. Spit it out"
"you were supposed to come with her to take care of her" he reproached me. Ah Katniss!
"You know I'm not an expert in that area. That's what Sae was for" He snorted in frustration
"She lost Prim. Everyone has abandoned her, you could have at least kept her company" he ran a hand through his hair "You know what the worst thing is, I can't even get mad at you." he ran a hand over his face "You two are so alike. You're both a mess but at least I understand her. You just isolate yourself and wallow in your own misery,"
"What do you want from me? I played and lost, there's nothing left. Go on and get on with your life boy,"
"I can't. I can't. I've lost my parents, my two brothers and myself. Katniss, she" he shut up and took a breath "she and you are the only family I have left, I don't want to lose anyone else" his voice cracked. In front of me I saw not a man but the boy who was reaped and with tears got on the train. The boy I hit and still drunkenly wiped me clean , the one who begged me to save the girl no matter what the cost.
"Well, you don't have the best relatives left, I tell you" I cleared my throat.
"Evidently not" he half smiled "you really want to do this?" he held up the letter. I nodded.
"it's the best thing for them" He sighed resignedly, preparing to get up from the chair. I stopped him. "She's okay? I mean she's back in her district, right?" Peeta denied
"no, she's still in the capitol and I doubt that when she's cleared to leave she'll go back to 8."
"Why is she still there and why wouldn't she come back?"
"Do you really want to know?" I nodded "the 13th released her father and brother and returned them to their district, as you can imagine they are living in what is supposed to be Leila's house. You know she is not able to kick them out and she has no desire to go back there either" unbelievable that those sons of bitches had not left them locked up for life. "as for your first question, the short answer is that the doctor still hasn't given approval for Leila to leave the capitol with her sister"
"But why? she was better" Peeta looked at me doubtfully "did something else happen?"
"You haven't watched TV all this time, have you? " I shook my head
"Well, if I start with the least worst, Aurelius found out about something that happened between you and Leila before you left" he paused waiting for my reaction
"nothing happened" I lied
"Leila didn't lie and confessed everything to the doctor. I don't know what it was but it disturbed her a lot" I kept silent. That last encounter, as painful as it was, I didn't plan to share it. "Anyway, some time later, you know the trials against the Capitol elite were taking place?" I nodded without understanding where he was going. "Well, Finnick decided to take a trial against his... aggressors and with a little/too much pressure from Johanna, Leila also filed a complaint against hers." I opened my mouth dumbfounded.
"oh Plutarch was living a dream, apparently one of them was 'clean' respected in society, known for his charities, his name was nowhere to be found, all the documents disappeared and so the only person who knew about his business was Leila"
"Please don't tell me they forced her to go through with the trial?" I clenched my fists.
"I wouldn't call it 'forced'. Finnick was seeking justice, Johanna was seconding him, and Plutarch was finally getting the information he so desperately wanted from her. Once it was all brought to light, it was their word against each other. I'm not going to lie to you, it got pretty horrible" Peeta clenched his fists." The motherfucker said Leila had been his mistress and now she was getting back at him for ending the relationship, he brought his wife and kids and made a media show to move. Leila was so panic stricken as she took the stand and confronted him that she fainted, they adjourned the hearing and the judge authorized her testimony to be written and read by someone else. Finnick offered to do it" I felt my heart beating wildly, between rage and anguish for all that Leila had lived through "but the worst thing about listening to all the horrors he subjected her and others to, was to see that in the end there were still people who believed him".
"don't tell me he was declared innocent?" I whispered in a broken voice
"no, fortunately, two survivors of him, two avoxes, turned up and confirmed everything with evidence they had managed to hide. His sentence was commuted to life imprisonment, you know, for his family" I didn't know how to feel at that outcome, many innocent people had been executed for a hell of a lot less.
"after all that ordeal why torture her by forcing her to be there?"
"Well, the doctor wants to make sure that Leila is able to take care of Milly. She agrees with him" Leila agrees with the shrink? "Believe it or not, she does. She's doing her part to be okay. Like I told you, Milly is what has pushed Leila the most to fight her own demons"
"she wants a better life for her sister" I said, Peeta nodded "where will she go next?"
"with Johanna" Peeta smiled "even she has been forced to go with Aurelius, in order for him to approve of Leila leaving with Milly"
"they are going to be fine together with Johanna"
"They could be fine with you too," Peeta said. I took a sip from my bottle denying "I'm not saying tomorrow. Obviously, you have a lot of work to do" I snorted amused "you don't have to do it alone" he whispered
"it's better this way"
"Is it really? because that's not what she was telling me, and I'm sure that's not what the letters say. She loves you. Milly talked about you a lot. Would it be so hard to try for them?" I stared at my lap and shook my head again. Peeta watched me for several minutes without saying anything. "I forgive you Haymitch" I stared at Peeta "for the mistakes you made, I forgive you. I don't blame you for what they did to me because I know there was nothing you could do to control it. You tried to protect Katniss and me as best you could, but we were in an even bigger game that we had no control over. I have not forgiven myself for many things I did or could have done. However, I have realized or rather come to the conclusion that I cannot waste being alive hating myself or others, because I would be wasting the sacrifice of those who died for me. I know deep down that she does not blame you for Prim. So I'm telling you again, you don't have to do it alone" I blinked several times holding back tears. I wanted to believe his words so desperately. I passed him the bottle. "well, can I break this then" I nodded
"I'll go write something up" I whispered
"how about you start with a shower...I doubt Leila would appreciate the smell of alcohol and vomit on the paper" I may have been listening to old Peeta 5 minutes ago, but not now. I laughed quietly.
After a shower and changing into the only clean clothes I had left I went back down to the living room. Peeta was picking up some of the trash I was living in. I quickly went to the desk and wrote the response Leila was waiting for.
Maybe I wasn't the best writer but I hoped my words didn't sound as cold as Peeta's. I wrote honestly that I was 'living one day at a time'. I wanted to make it clear to her that I wasn't mad at her, that she didn't have to apologize to me for being her and feeling. If anyone needed to apologize it was me. I finished my letter by asking for Milly, her and Johanna. I slipped the letter into the envelope, sealed it and handed it to Peeta.
"Haymitch" Peeta caught my attention as I was about to start sweeping. I looked at him standing in the doorway with a sorrowful expression "I'm so sorry about the death of your child with Leila. I wish that never happened"
"don't think about it, kid" I started sweeping, waiting for him to leave.
That same afternoon, I started a detox routine with Peeta's help. Apparently the boy, in the absence of doctors here, had asked Aurelius for advice. He of course had suggested that the first step would be to seek psychological help which Peeta knew I refused, so he sent him the necessary medication and a complete step-by-step guide to follow.
I had to be grateful for all the work the boy had taken. At least this attempt would not bring me to the brink of death like in 13. As I had written in the letter to Leila, I was taking one day at a time. It was torture but I was willing to prove that I could, I had tried before.
Leila's response was not long in coming, only a little over a week later Peeta brought me a new letter from her. The shrink had finally given the go-ahead and by the time I received this missive, she would already be in District 7. She didn't touch on any sensitive subjects, just wrote me trivial things about her departure, Milly and Johanna's excitement about leaving. This time I responded immediately. Even though I didn't have anything interesting or not embarrassing to say, I made an effort so it wasn't just a few lines. I smiled, even in letters, she was chatty. If Milly could write I would have received a book of anecdotes.
During the day I cleaned my pigsty as best I could. I had set rat traps in every possible corner. I never imagined that these vermin would be so difficult to eradicate. Katniss came through my door one day with homemade poison, without much talking she helped me put it in the places where the traps wouldn't reach.
Sometimes when she was sitting on the porch steps of her house, I would come over and sit next to her. Sometimes alone in silence, each lost in our own reflections or sometimes commenting on trivial things.
Leila had settled in District 7. She had nothing but good things to say about her new life. In another letter she told me that she had gotten a job, she didn't tell me what it was, but I guessed from her enthusiasm that she must like it. Milly for her part was accompanying her in her new job. With the war, the 7 had also suffered losses in its basic infrastructure and for now, resuming classes was not a priority. Leila said that this situation did not bother Milly at all. Johanna, on the other hand, preferred to stay at home.
That was the routine in which the days, weeks and months passed. Then summer came as sweltering as every year, the few inhabitants in the district were glad when the cool days were behind us. Though for me it was a torturous countdown, how many days until the train would come for me again.
The night before the reaping, no longer resisting the agony and pain, I searched for those bottles that I had hidden from everyone. I drowned out the memories and the voices in my mind. I sat in the kitchen dining room waiting for Effie and a new year, accompanying a couple of kids to die.
The smell of fresh bread made my insides growl. My head was pounding with the usual pain of a hangover. I lifted my head from the table. Peeta, sitting across from me, was cutting a slice and offered it to me.
"How long have you been here?" slurred my words
"Just a few minutes ago. Do you want some water?" I shook my head and took a swig from my bottle. I bit into a small piece of bread, I was waiting for the boy's scolding for relapsing again.
"What time is it?" It was so dark inside my house that I had trouble telling if it was too early or too late. I guessed it was not yet twelve o'clock.
"Almost 8"
"In the morning?" he denied. I felt a weight had left my body.
"The train came yesterday. I went for the mail and yet when I wanted to go back I couldn't" I looked into his eyes, black furrows under them from a sleepless night "I couldn't leave the train station until I saw it leave. I can't describe the relief I felt to see that no one got on there"
"I guess for this year there won't be any more games"
"I guess for this year there won't be any more games"
"nor the next ones" he said confidently "I knew it was going to be hard today. I wanted to see Katniss but I think she prefers to be alone, she hasn't opened the door even when I know she's there"
"and me as your second choice I must not be great company now" I still waited for the words and looks of disappointment.
"I knew this day was not going to be easy for any of us" he shrugged it off, downplaying it "there is no one in town or at least I think everyone has decided to stay home" the fears of the common collective were still ingrained and tattooed in our minds. How many generations would have to pass to stop fearing this day?.
"You better go get some rest boy, maybe tomorrow the girl will open the door for ya" he nodded and got up from the table.
"Before I forget, Leila sent this to you" he handed me a letter. A very heavy letter. I looked at it confused. I knew that he and Leila maintained a 'secret' and constant telephone communication. "I have no idea, but, either a lot has happened or it must be something important" I looked at the envelope again curious "tomorrow we'll start again" He patted my back before leaving.
Start again? What was the point, he knew me well enough to know it was only a matter of time before I relapsed again. How many tries would it take before the boy gave up on me? He couldn't spend his life chasing after an old man like me.
Another hour of staring at the heavy envelope, when I decided to open it. Fearing what it would contain and perhaps hoping for the many recriminations and hatred I expected from Leila, I was surprised to first find what appeared to be a drawing of Milly.
Behind the sheet, Leila was explaining to me what each shapeless squiggle meant. Milly had drawn District 7 for me, with Johanna's 'house', the forest, the candy store and the paper factory. I laughed once I managed to make some sense out of the doodling.
The rest of the contents were several sheets written on each side. I tried not to laugh or at least avoid not being amused by each word written by her. Leila was confiding in me about how bad she was having a hard time in 7. The other letters she had sent me, it was just her trying to be positive.
Leila had tried again to get a job similar to the one she had in 13, but the people there didn't know her and distrusted her. So she only managed to get one that allowed her to take her sister. The bad thing was that she hated her new job. Finally she confessed to me that she was working with lumberjacks, who had a worse sense of humor than Johanna and Chase combined. Milly found it funny and repeated every 'disturbing' joke, even without understanding it, to anyone who crossed her path. The worst thing was that the little one refused to stay at home and had found something she really liked in that job, much to Leila's dismay and Johanna's satisfaction.
Likewise, Leila out of pride refused to quit because she didn't want to agree with her friend (Johanna called her too much of a 'snob' to work there), and was just waiting for the day she would be fired. I let out a chuckle at the latter. I wasn't expecting Leila ranting about her friend at all but I supposed Johanna's temper wasn't just something about her, but something inherent in every inhabitant of the 7.
Each line brought a new smile to my face. Without realizing it I had devoured her letter and forgotten for a moment everything that tormented me. That was something she always managed to do, to bring light into the darkness.
I held the drawing again and smiled. If she were here, Sae would not have hesitated to give her a job. Maybe she could be happier here. I looked around and shook those thoughts away. If Leila saw this place she would run away in horror. Even looking at my kitchen disgusted me, I couldn't visualize her here.
Maybe if I replaced the rotting furniture, it wouldn't look so bad. I stood up and yanked the door off the cabinet over the dishwasher. Incredibly I felt a primitive satisfaction in destroying that piece of wood with capitol designs.
Seeking to feel that euphoria again, I carefully stored the drawing and the letter in a safe place, fetched an axe and returned to the kitchen. With an idea in mind, I swung an axe at the next piece of furniture and then the next.
"What the hell is going on!" I was startled when I heard Katniss behind me. She was holding her bow and arrow ready to fire. I held up my hands dropping the axe.
"How about you start with a 'hello Haymitch' sweetheart?" she snorted. She lowered the bow trying to calm down.
"Do you have an idea of...?" she let out a breath and stormed towards me angrily. She shoved me hitting my chest "I thought you were getting slaughtered!"
"haven't you heard the news? we live in a peaceful world now" I scoffed, pushing her to stop hitting me. She looked at me again annoyed.
"What does all this mean?"
"I thought it was time to remodel" I shrugged.
"In the middle of the night?"
"I don't see why not?" again another murderous look "can I continue? or are you not done with your tantrum?" she rolled her eyes and walked away. I took the axe again and as I was going for another piece of furniture. I felt Katniss' presence behind me again.
"Let me do it" I passed her the axe. Maybe she needed to get whatever she was feeling against the furniture out too.
I took that moment to find every stash I had hidden of alcohol and empty it into the sink. Katniss gave me a sidelong glance but didn't make any comment. We spent the whole night smashing the kitchen to pieces. When the first rays of sunlight illuminated the sky, without further ado we finished the job, Katniss returned home and I exhaustedly fell asleep without needing anything extra.
Maybe if the girl had stopped to think for a moment, she wouldn't have helped me destroy my kitchen. Now she and Peeta were doomed to have me at least twice a day in their homes at mealtimes. I couldn't complain, I ate for free and didn't have to clean up any junk.
With the new government and the free circulation of borders, it was easier to get materials. I placed an order for what I would need to rebuild what I had destroyed. It had been years since I had made something with my own hands and to think that I could make something she would like had given me a goal to focus on when the withdrawal became unbearable.
The letters didn't stop coming. I didn't tell Leila about my new project, I hoped Peeta wouldn't either, I didn't know if it would succeed or look even worse than the ugly capitol decor. If she ever came, I wanted to surprise her.
One afternoon while I was chopping some wood, someone knocked on my door insistently. It was Sae with a young man. Just by looking at him I could guess that he didn't belong to 12.
"Cedric, this is Haymitch" Sae said bluntly " boy, Cedric is going to work for you 3 times a week, do you understand me?"
"what?!"
"Cedric, you can charge whatever you want" the old woman looked around '"I wouldn't make a sale if I were you, this place is a mess".
"Wait a second, what are you talking about? I didn't ask for.." Sae raised her hand shutting me up. I looked at the young man, who was looking at his feet uncomfortably.
"He comes from 9, Thom has given him a job but only for a couple of days a week, and as you can guess, that's not enough to survive on. Besides, you could use a little help cleaning up this pigsty."
"Fine," I said, giving up.
"Fine. If you need anything else don't hesitate to look for me" Cedric thanked Sae once more and looked at me with sheepish eyes.
"At the end of the day I will pay you whatever you ask for. You can start wherever you want,"
"Thank you Mr. Abernathy. Don't worry I will be very careful with everything," I raised a hand, shushing the boy.
"No Mr. Abernathy, just Haymitch. Don't thank me. Let me know when you want to leave I'll be in the back room" Leaving the boy on his own I went back to my work.