Finding Light In The Darkness

WARNING: This story deals with a pregnancy loss in a later chapter. I will indicate which one with a warning at the beginning of the chapter.

Author's Note: 5 years ago, I found out I was going to be an aunt for the very first time from my brother's girlfriend. Several weeks later, she lost the baby. And shortly after that, she passed away. Lately, she has been on my mind and thus, my first foray into Caskett fic was born.

Added Note: despite me loving the wedding we saw in season 7, for the purpose of this story, the wedding in the Hamptons happened as planned and Castle did not disappear. And as I refuse to accept the "Kate was married before" plot, Rogan does not exist in this story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle or the characters used for this story, but sometimes I wish I did.

Finally, shoutout to my best friend Kat for reading this over for me and assuring me it is not in fact unreadable lol.

On with the story!

Chapter 1:

Kate woke up Mother's Day morning to an empty bed. She isn't sure when Castle had gotten out of bed. But she remembers rustling on his side and a light kiss on her forehead. She sits up in bed to check the time. 9am. Early for her husband's standards. Before she could conjure up a scenario of where he could be, she notices a single red rose with a note propped up on top of a rectangular sized gift box on her nightstand. Kate smiles. Leave it to her husband to leave a little gift for her on a day he knows can be difficult for her. She picks up the note and begins to read it.

Kate,

You're probably wondering where I went off to this morning. I'm sorry, but that is top secret for the time being.

In the meantime, the gift box you see that is under this note is full of letters I wrote last year during a happy time in our lives that unfortunately turned to heartbreak. In saying that, despite leaving you to read these alone, I am willing to come back to you to be there while you read them if you need me. I have read the letters more times than I can count and can recite them in my sleep so I know some of them won't be easy to read. If you decide you don't want to read them, I completely understand. Even after almost a year, the pain and heartbreak is still there for me. I am sure it is for you too.

I don't know if this is a proper Mother's Day gift (feel free to tell me so or hit me when you see me if it isn't. I can take it). What I do know is that my words have brought you comfort. And after taking many months to heal, I felt it was time to give you the words I wrote as we went through that time in our lives.

In saying that, no matter what you decide to do, we will go to the cemetery together like always.

And always remember what I said all those months ago to help us heal our broken hearts.

I love you, Kate.

Always,

Rick

Kate smiled sadly, feeling tears prick at the corner of her eyes. This man. This adorable, sweet, amazing man. He knew just how hard this Mother's Day would be for her, for them. Letters he wrote for her meant so much to her. She remembers admitting to him one day just how much his words had helped her in the past. Needless to say, he was a little insufferable about it for days after, but she never regretted confessing that to him. It was important to her for him to know just how much he had helped her bring light back into the darkness that surrounded her after her mother's death

And Rick's mention of the cemetery visit. She'll never forget when she told him about her yearly tradition. A few days after Kate's suspension from the NYPD, as she was cuddled up to Rick in his bed close to falling asleep, she realized Mother's Day was coming up. She sat up in bed, a confused Rick following her. Before he could ask what was wrong, she exclaimed, "Mother's Day is this Sunday, how could I forget?"

Rick, looking at her with puzzlement on his face said, "Yes, it is. Why? What's wrong, Kate?"

That's when she realized in the nearly 5 years he's been working with her, he had no idea what she did that day. She always went to the cemetery before work or even after work if she was called in early for a body drop. The last few years, she was able to go to the cemetery in the morning before work or because she happened to be off, so it made it possible for Rick to never know about it. And, despite Rick's grumbling about his over the top mother, he typically spent a good chunk of the day with her and his daughter.

In that moment, despite them only having been together for less than a week, she felt compelled to share her yearly tradition with him. If she was going to do this, really do this, she needed to learn to open up more. And if there was one person she trusted most with this, it was the man sitting up next to her.

Kate took a deep breath and explained, "Every year on Mother's Day, I visit my mom's grave. I put down a bouquet of her favorite flowers and just talk to her. In the years that I'm off, I'd meet my dad for breakfast and we'd share memories of her." She paused. "I'm sorry I never told you. This was something I didn't share with anyone. But these past few days with you have made me see I don't have to do this alone."

When she stopped talking, she looked up at him, worried she had shared too much. But what she saw was complete adoration in his eyes, a slight smile showing on his features. He pulled her closer, pressed a kiss to her hair and asked, "Are you asking me to come with you to the cemetery?"

Kate smiled softly and replied, "Yeah, I am. I think it's time you meet my mom. I know how much she would have loved you and this is the closest you can get to meeting her."

He leaned in and gave her a sweet kiss. When he pulled back, he said softly, "I would be honored to meet your mother." And so, their plans for Mother's Day morning were set.

On Mother's Day morning, they took a cab to the cemetery, picking up flowers on the way. They reached her mom's grave stone and Castle laid the flowers on top. They stood side by side, staring down at the gravestone.

A few minutes later, Kate started talking. "Mom, I'd like you to meet Rick." She paused, knowing what she was about to say next. "My boyfriend." Rick looked over at her, surprise written on his features. But in that, she also saw happiness etched all over his face, light shining from his eyes. She knows it's still early in their relationship, that they haven't had a proper date yet. But she knew what her heart said and she spoke it out loud for him to know just how serious she was about them. He reached out and held onto her hand, kissing the side of her head.

Before Kate could say anything else, Rick spoke up. "Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone with her?"

Kate was surprised at the request, not expecting that. With a silent nod saying yes, she backed away far enough so she couldn't hear what he had to say to her mother.

He softly called her back over. He gave her hand a squeeze and stepped away so she could have her time alone with her mother.

After their visit, they had gone down to Remy's where Kate opened up to him about her mother and regaled him with stories that had them both laughing over their burgers and milkshakes.

Kate returned back to the present. To this day, she has no idea what Rick said to her mother. When she tried to interrogate him about it, he told her "sorry, Kate. But that's between me and your mom." After a couple days, she let it go, deciding to let him have this little secret. Even now, she has no idea what he said to her.

Kate set the letter down and stared at the gift box. Did she want to read those letters alone? Did she want her husband there with her to relive the happy and painful memories of last year? She pondered those questions as she got out of bed, took a shower, and dressed in one of Rick's button downs. She padded into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. As she sat at the kitchen island sipping her coffee, she made her decision.

After she finished her coffee, she went back into the bedroom to grab her phone and send a text to Rick.

You don't have to come home, I'll be okay. I love you.

She hoped he understood what she meant. A few seconds later, her phone pinged with a new message from him.

Okay. If you change your mind, I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you too.

She smiled at that and set her phone down. She crawled back into bed and opened the box. She pulled out the first letter and started to read.

Kate,

A baby. We're going to have a baby.

It is currently 3 in the morning on our wedding night. Our wedding night. God, that feels so incredible to say. Making it here is a dream come true. It was a little touch and go at the beginning with my delay (I apologize again for making you worry), but we made it and everything went off without a hitch.

I know I should be in bed with you, enjoying a few more hours of sleep before we set off for our honeymoon. But, your news left me giddy with excitement, so when I noticed you fast asleep, I got out of bed to write this to you.

It's just.. A baby, Kate.

I thought something was up with you not too long before our wedding. But you reassured me otherwise and I let it drop knowing the pressure we were under to make sure the wedding turned out perfect.

I just truly cannot believe we are starting our journey as parents the same day we became husband and wife. I know you are worried, anxious that this is happening earlier than we planned. But I could also see the happiness shining from your eyes after I opened your gift and looked over at you. I know we can do this, Kate. Together, we can do anything. I have faith in you, in us. Always.

You are going to be an amazing mom to our kid, I have no doubt. It won't always be easy, but as someone who loved every day of raising Alexis, it'll be worth it in the end.

I cannot wait to meet our little peanut.

I love you so much.

Love,

Rick

Kate set the letter down with a smile on her face. Their wedding was unforgettable. They ran into one hiccup, which was Castle being late. When her panic on his tardiness started to wear down on her, he had called to let her know of an accident that backed up traffic. He had reassured her that he was a few minutes away. Other than that one hiccup, the wedding was absolutely perfect. And, due to the delay, as they shared their first kiss as husband and wife, the sun set turned the sky into a beautiful array of orange, red and yellow. That particular photo, as well as one of them sharing their first dance where they were looking at each other like they were the only 2 people in the universe, made its way onto Castle's desk at home and her desk at the precinct.

And their wedding night. Kate will never forget the look on her husband's face when he opened the gift and realized what she wanted to tell him. About 2 weeks before their wedding, Kate had realized she was late. She wanted to believe that it was just late due to the stress of the upcoming wedding and getting things at work straightened out before their honeymoon. But the detective in her had a feeling it was something else. So, the next day before work, she bought a pregnancy test and went back to the loft to take it.

Luckily, Rick had meetings with Black Pawn that day. As much as she wanted to do this with him, she couldn't stand seeing the disappointed look in his eyes if the result wasn't positive. And despite her fear that it was too early for them to be expecting, part of her would have been disappointed along with him. But, when the strip turned pink, she wished he was there with her sharing in the joy of starting their family. And then, a few minutes later, his absence made her realize it was the perfect wedding gift.

It had been challenging to hide her pregnancy from the one man who could read her like a book. She noticed him asking more the week before the wedding if she was feeling okay. She would put on her best smile and say, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just pre-wedding jitters." That seemed to satisfy him as he would then assure her that everything would be okay, that their wedding will be a day to be remembered forever. Boy, was he right about that.

One day before the wedding, she found herself wandering inside a baby store where she found the perfect way to share the news with him.

After their post reception celebration, she was snuggled up to his side, head pillowed on his chest, just reveling in their bliss for a while. A short time later, without a word, she untangled from his arms and walked over to her bag. When she turned around, she saw Rick sitting up with a look of confusion in his eyes. She smiled at him and walked over to the bed with the gift bag in her hand.

"I know we said no wedding gifts to each other, but I think this is a happy exception to the rule, more of a gift for both of us," she explained as she sat down next to him and handed him the gift bag.

Still looking a little confused, he opened the gift and when he pulled out the onesie, the confusion drained from his face and was replaced with the biggest smile she had seen from him. He couldn't help but chuckle lightly when he read the onesie. It said, "Jedi In Training."

Before she could say one single word, he was wrapping her in a hug and kissing the top of her head. When he pulled away, he looked at her and softly said, "Really? A baby? We're going to have a baby?"

The minute he hugged her, all her nerves and anxious feelings left her body. Smiling, she said, "Yeah, Castle. We really are. We'll have to schedule an appointment to confirm. But, I know in my heart that we have started our family."

He looked at her with such love and adoration in his eyes and told her, "Then we will make that appointment the minute we land for our honeymoon. I don't want to wait any longer than we need to." Kate smiled at that and leaned in to give him a kiss.

Kate shook herself out of those memories. It didn't surprise her one bit that he picked up on her nerves. The scheduling of the appointment before they officially started their honeymoon was proof enough. Plus, there were a few times she caught him talking to her stomach late at night. One night in particular, the night after their first appointment, she heard him whisper, "You are the luckiest baby, peanut. She kicks butt and takes names so I know she'll be an amazing mother and love you a lot. And I like to think I am not so bad myself. I love you so much already." She had smiled and held back on letting a soft chuckle escape. She didn't want to alert him that she was awake, wanting him to have that moment with their little one, their peanut. And even though their little family ended up in heartbreak a short time later, she made sure to never allow that memory to be a sad one.

And there we have it, first chapter done!

Fun lil tidbit. The onesie was inspired by something I saw on Amazon. I have had Star Wars on the brain lately thanks to my nephew's upcoming first birthday being Star Wars themed. And it works since come on. We all know Castle is a Star Wars fan lol

Anyways, let me know what you think! All feedback is appreciated as this is my first foray into fanfic writing. Hoping I can get ch 2 up by next week!