The fact that he hadn't even realised what had happened would scar him for eternity, he knew. One moment he had felt Aoife's restoration magic flow through him, giving him a renewed vigour, and the next, the battlefield was clear, the last bandit falling to his blade. His breathing was laboured from the hard-fought battle, and he turned to check on her, to ensure he had fulfilled his oath as her shield.
But he had failed.
Aoife lay propped up against a boulder, her hand pressing urgently against her stomach as blood flowed over her hands from the stab wound. The corpse that had caused the injury lay a few feet away, smouldering from the electricity that had no doubt been his demise. Golden mist pulsed briefly from her hands before spluttering out, and he could see the panic rising in her eyes as her magicka failed her over and over.
Kaidan went numb.
Before he knew what he was doing, he had sprinted over to her and pressed his hands over the wound. There was no weapon embedded, and that terrified him; at least if the dagger had still been in her, she would have a better chance.
"Kaidan?" her voice was small, scared, but he couldn't think about that just now; couldn't think about how her hands were warm but cold at the same time; couldn't think about how she was shaking; couldn't think about what would happen if they didn't get the right help in time.
"Keep putting pressure on the wound. I'll see if we've got a potion," he stated, his voice steady. It was jarring, as his mind wouldn't stop racing and his heart wouldn't stop pounding. Kaidan knew his pack was empty; he'd downed his last health potion not a few minutes before Aoife had healed him. She was good like that, he thought – keeping an eye on when he was low on potions and elixirs so that she didn't cast more magic on him than he was comfortable with. His throat constricted in fear as the realisation there might not be another potion on the battlefield kicked in. He didn't waste time, going straight the discarded belongings of their dead foes to search for something that could help.
Their packs were empty of any healing potions, and Kaidan felt his panic evolve into terror. He glanced over to where Aoife was struggling to sit upright, her face paler than he'd ever seen, the delicate tattoos on her face standing out starkly. Her eyes were unfocused, and for a brief moment, he thought he could see the life draining from them. Nausea crawled its way through his stomach, but he fought it back. He needed to focus on the task at hand.
There had been no healing potions, but Aoife was a healer. Perhaps if he managed to find a dram of magicka, she'd be able to heal herself? Kaidan changed directions, heading to a pack he recalled having a few magicka potions in, and grabbed them clumsily. Though his hands were shaking, and his legs were unsteady, he forced himself to appear calm as he approached Aoife.
"No healing potions, but I've got some magicka," he stated, swallowing around his thick tongue. Aoife looked at him with unfocused eyes, weakly reaching up a hand to grab one of the phials. Kaidan pressed it firmly into her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers to ensure she had a steady grip. Together, they raised the glass phial to her lips and she drank. As she did, some colour returned to her cheeks, and the soft golden glow of healing magic emanated from the hand still pressing into the wound on her stomach. Aoife grimaced at the feeling of stitching flesh back together, but the scrunched face soon relaxed as she got through the worst of it. Finally, she was able to pull her hand away. Beneath the bloodsoaked armour was a fresh pink scar, and only upon seeing it did Kaidan allow himself to relax slightly. She was out of the danger zone and would likely make a full recovery; that was, if there wasn't any poison on the blade, or if she didn't end up with blood sickness.
After a few moments, with Aoife still shakily breathing, Kaidan broached the next course of action.
"Can you stand?" he asked gently. His blood was still hot beneath his skin, and hers had grown sticky on his hands. He wondered if it would ever come off.
Aoife tried to stand, but quickly fell back into the snow; what little colouration her cheeks had managed to gain drained from her face from the attempt.
"I suppose that's a no," she replied, trying to sound light, but failing as her voice cracked. Kaidan nodded, stepping to her side and helping her up. The weight of her against him felt almost like nothing- he was pretty sure the majority of it came from her armour and staff. She clutched onto the thing like her life depended on it, and on any other day, Kaidan would be side-eyeing it as if it were going to bite him. But today he didn't. It sufficed as a crutch, and meant the two of them could move back to safety more swiftly.
They had set up camp in a cave not too far from where they had been ambushed, and though Kaidan wished desperately that they could move on now that they had become compromised, Aoife certainly wouldn't be able to handle the journey.
Kaidan wished not for the first time that they owned at least one horse between the two of them.
He could feel her strength waning as they got to their camp, and he eased her down next to her bed roll, trying to not get any blood on her things; there were too few of them still. Whilst Aoife adjusted her position, Kaidan went to her pack which had been left behind for their small excursion. He sighed in relief as he saw a healing potion at the bottom and fished it out. As he approached her, he noticed his hands had started shaking again. Willing them to still, he handed it to her wordlessly. For a moment, Aoife struggled with the topper, but soon she was downing the potion with a grimace.
"Thank you," she whispered, handing him back the empty phial. Kaidan just nodded, feeling he deserved no thanks at all. He had failed her. He turned to put the empty phial back in her pack for when she made more potions at a later time and then returned to her side instantly. She still looked drained and a little pale, but the markers of pain had fled from her face.
"Are you cold?" he asked, not sure what to do with himself, but wanting the feeling of failure to leave as soon as possible. He would do anything to appease her at this point; he was sure she was disappointed in him. Aoife nodded. She struggled to sit up, working at the clasps of her armour to try and get it off. Kaidan was torn; her fingers currently weren't coordinated enough to work the buckles, but she'd said she was cold. Building up a fire would take longer, and he didn't want her to wear herself out again so quickly. He bit his bottom lip, eyes scrunching in thought, before he made a move.
"Allow me," he said gently, kneeling beside her. He made quick work of the buckles, feeling heat rise to his cheeks as her breath fanned across the side of his face. He couldn't recall a time hers had been so close to his, and he was trying not to lose his composure seeing the tattoos and freckles up close. As he pulled away, he saw her blink slowly, her blond eyelashes almost tangling as she did so. For a moment, it seemed as though she couldn't comprehend what Kaidan was doing, so he quickly drew his hands back, searching around for a blanket she could use to warm herself with whilst he got the fire going.
Eventually, they settled into the easy silence that they always managed in an evening. Kaidan had managed to clean most of her blood from his hands, though some was still staining the underside of his fingernails and cuticles. He hoped to get it off soon; he didn't need the reminder of how close Aoife had come to losing her life just hours ago.
The reality of how close a call it had been started to sink in.
She had almost died. She had used the last of her potions and magicka to protect him, and almost died as a result. If one of the wayward bandits hadn't been carrying a magicka potion, he would almost certainly be out in the moonlight, sat in front of a pyre rather than a campfire.
The heat burned his eyes and dried his throat so he tried to swallow, the action made impossible by the lump that had nestled itself there so comfortably.
"Kaidan?" Aoife's voice broke through his thoughts, though it sounded as though it was almost coming from another room.
"Aye?" he asked, still not fully aware of his surroundings. He almost jumped as Aoife sat beside him, blanket still wrapped around her shoulders. She'd cleaned up in the hours since they'd returned, making Kaidan restless when she'd asked him to give her privacy. On any other day he would; on any other day he wouldn't have had to think twice about leaving her be with just her magic and her knife whilst she bathed. But on any other day, she wouldn't have been so close to leaving him on Nirn alone.
Divines, his thoughts just wouldn't leave him alone.
But seeing her there, almost having slipped away, terrified him. More than it should have.
There was a gentle pressure on his shoulder, and he turned slightly to see Aoife sit beside him.
"You're shivering," she told him, concern marring her features. Kaidan wanted to laugh, but he also wanted to cry. Here she was, worrying about him again. Still, he didn't deny her when she opened the blanket to him and tried to drape it over his shoulders. There was a slight wince of pain as her new scar tugged at the action, so he gently took the corner she offered and pulled it around his shoulders. They sat in silence for a few moments more, and Kaidan felt his thoughts drifting again, though the terror had receded with the solid warmth of Aoife's body next to him, pressed against his side.
"What's on your mind?" she asked gently, staring into the flames before them. Kaidan turned his gaze to her face for a moment, watching as the warm light flickered and cast distorted shadows across her face. The colour had returned to her cheeks, and she looked more alert.
"Never you mind about me. How are you doing?" he asked, returning his sights to the fire, missing the way Aoife's face scrunched up in distaste.
"Don't deflect. You've barely moved a muscle since we settled for the night," she replied quietly. Kaidan stiffened, not realising he had been broadcasting his mood so obviously. Aoife continued, despite the obvious discomfort.
"I just want to know that you're okay," she whispered. Kaidan's heart thudded heavily in his chest, and he could feel heat rising to his cheeks in anger. This reckless woman was thinking about everyone but herself.
"Of course I'm not okay!" he snapped, surprising even himself with his tone. Aoife stilled, but didn't recoil. She turned to him, and he to her. Her eyes scanned his face, trying to pinpoint where to settle. Kaidan grit his teeth and narrowed his eyes.
"You were completely reckless today. You could've died!" he continued, fear rushing through him along with the anger. Her eyes met his, and he had to glance away at the sadness he saw there.
"I'm sorry. I'll do better next time," she replied gently, moving to stand and leave the warm embrace of the shared blanket. Kaidan wanted to scream in frustration.
"That's not what I'm getting at!" he snapped again, and Aoife's expression changed to one of confusion. Kaidan surprised himself by grabbing her free hand, clutching it tightly. When he felt her squeeze in return, the fight left his body, leaving only heaviness and weariness behind.
"I almost lost you. I failed my Oath," he whispered, his voice hoarse, his throat tightening once more.
"But… but you didn't," Aoife stammered, and Kaidan looked into her eyes. There was a tugging he could feel in his chest when he met them, and she looked away, her breath hitching.
"Aoife, please," Kaidan hated the vulnerability in his voice, hated that the thought of losing this woman could bring him to his knees and make him feel like a scared child all over again.
"Promise me you'll be more careful in the future," his tone was on the edge of begging, but he could barely care. Aoife bit her lip and Kaidan was surprised to see her eyes watering. The firelight did nothing to hide her emotions but instead intensified the obviousness of her tears.
"Don't worry about me. I'm the healer; I should be looking out for you," she sniffed, still not meeting his eyes. This time, Kaidan didn't do anything to hold back the noise of frustration. It seemed Aoife was set on putting him before her.
"You can't exactly do that if you get gutted during an ambush," his sarcasm held a tint of malice, and Aoife snatched her hand back, her eyes narrowing, cheeks flushing in embarrassment and anger. Kaidan stood from his spot, filling the gap that had been made. Even without his armour, his frame towered above hers, and he saw her shrink back slightly. His heart ached at the action, and he forced himself to calm. He took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders from where they had tensed.
"I am your sword and shield, Aoife. Not just your sword," he reminded her gently. Aoife looked away at the proclamation and silently nodded. Kaidan ducked his head to try and catch her gaze, saddened when he saw that her tears had finally spilled down her cheeks. He didn't know why the idea of being protected upset her so much; why she always insisted on 'earning her keep' or being useful. She had given him a second chance at life releasing him from the clutches of the Thalmor, and had saved him many times since. To him, it didn't matter how many times he stepped in front of a blade for her, the first act of kindness would always be impossible to repay. He'd be in her debt forever, he knew, and he'd stay by her side for as long as she'd have him.
Gently, he raised his hand and brushed away the tears that had fallen. Her gaze caught his, and he almost froze where he was. His body kept moving of his own accord, however, his thumb wiping the tears away whilst his fingertips landed in her hair, the palm of his hand cupping her face. His eyes were locked on hers, and he felt his blood singing at the connection. The only other time he'd felt it this strongly was when he had first laid eyes on her in the prison.
"Kaidan…" her voice snapped him from his trance, and he discreetly pulled his hand away, missing the warmth of her cheek against it instantly. He cleared his throat awkwardly and turned towards the fire, hoping the heat flooding his body would be explained by the flames.
"You should rest. We'll move out as soon as we're able to and find somewhere safer," he stated, sitting back down and poking at the charred logs with a long stick. It was some time before Aoife moved from where she stood, and Kaidan could feel her stare the whole time.
"Alright. Goodnight, Kaidan. And thank you," she said quietly, moving off to her bedroll. Only when heard her breathing even out did Kaidan allow the full weight of the day's situation to hit him. As he fought through the panic, terror, and anger, one thought consumed him.
'I will not fail again.'