Infinity Crisis: The Awesome Adventures of Cocaine Bear

by L1701E

One-Shot. There was a bear. It did cocaine. A BEAR! DID! COCAINE! And now it must join forces with a rag-tag bunch of weirdos in an epic adventure to save the Multiverse where they will experience the power of love, adventure, friendship, video games, hot dogs, and rock and roll! Read and review, please!

Infinity Crisis: The Awesome Adventures of Cocaine Bear

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners, this is purely for silly April Fool's Day fun.

"Okay, enough with the sentimental bull$&%{! Let's CALL SOME SUMO!"

- Michael Cole

"HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS!"

- Father Jack Hackett

The Multiverse is a vast ocean of possibilities. A home to numerous horrors and heroes, who have many stories of triumph and tragedy. Some Earths are like our own, where the fantastical is confined to fiction. Others have those elements as part of everyday life. Despite that, there are constants. Among those constants are villains, and heroes rising to face them. Love and hate. Swedish meatballs. And of course...bears.

Bears have a complicated reputation in the Multiverse. They can both be seen as fearsome predators, and as cuddly creatures. But we focus on one particular bear: An American black bear.

This bear was just hanging out, doing its bear thing in the forests of Central New York. These forests were all the bear knew, as it spent its whole life there. One day, a falling plane ended up dropping its payload in the forests he called his home. The payload was bricks filled with white powder. The bear was rather curious about this new bit of décor. After all, it was not something that one could normally find in the forest. The curious bear tasted the powder. It was delicious! The bear started consuming all the powder it could.

This strange powder then seemed to have an effect on the bear. It smelled colors, it saw sounds, and it was given power. Too much power for its bear mind to handle. The bear started running around the forest, roaring and causing a ruckus. A portal opened up in front of the bear. Nobody knew where it came from, but the Pighead being strung out on weed again was a likely theory. Regardless, the bear ran through it...and into adventure.

The Hall of Justice, Earth-51

When the Justice League originally formed after the invasion of Earth by the forces of Steppenwolf back in 2017, their original headquarters was Stately Wayne Manor. Later on, they got their own dedicated headquarters: The Hall of Justice.

Located in Metropolis, the Hall of Justice was a large white art-deco building, the front being semi-circular in shape. The Hall's main area had a trophy room/museum in which visitors could see a small, but growing collection of trophies and mementos of the group's adventures. But that room is not the focus of this tale. The focus is in this room, the League's meeting room, where they discuss cases or basically talk shop. And right now, the members of the team known as the World's Greatest Superheroes were basically...having a meeting.

"Now that you're all here, we can call this meeting to order." Superman stated with a smile. "First of all, I want to give special thanks to Barry for providing this wonderful cheese platter."

"Okay, Diana." Superman said, looking at the report. "You recently dealt with a..." He blinked as he reread the part of the report he wanted to talk about, as if he wanted to be sure that what he was reading was real. "...rampaging minotaur in Greece?"

"Yes, that would be Ferdinand." Diana sighed. "He tends to get a little...crazy when he gets on the wine."

"Wish I could have been there to see that." Hal Jordan, one of the Green Lanterns of Sector 2814, chuckled at that.

"Be happy you didn't." Diana said. "Ferdinand lost his pants during it."

"Ah." Hal nodded in understanding.

"Who let a minotaur get drunk?" Bruce asked.

"I'm not sure. I'm looking into it." Diana said. "I know I asked the embassy staff to keep the wine hidden away..." She blinked in realization. "Oh Hera. The cooking wine." She put her head in her hands.

"I think it was Bruce's fault." Hal snorted in amusement.

"F%$# YOU, HAL!" Bruce yelled. Hal only responded by showing Bruce a construct of a large green hand giving the finger.

"Alright, calm down, you two." Superman sighed. He then gestured to the black plastic platter with various cheeses on it. "Before we forget, we should thank Barry again for this delicious cheese platter." The League all clapped as Barry Allen smiled and took a bow.

"Thanks, guys."

"It is a wonderful platter." J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, complimented as he ate some cheese. "I am liking the brie."

"Roquefort for me!" Arthur Curry, the Aquaman, grinned. The Hall's alarm klaxon started to wail, getting the League's attention. "The hell?"

"And here I was hoping it would be a quiet day..." Barry sighed.

SMASH!

The bear fell into the Hall through the ceiling, landing on the meeting table.

"By Hera!" Wonder Woman yelped.

"Great Scott!" Superman stated.

"MY CHEESE PLATTER!" Barry screamed as the bear smashed it...and then ate it. "WHY?!"

"Ursine bastard!" Hal yelled, firing his ring at the bear. Despite its large size, the bear proved to be very nimble, easily able to dodge the green energy blast.

"Stop that bear!" Superman ordered. The World's Greatest Heroes fought valiantly to stop the bear, but the creature was more powerful than they expected. The bear managed to escape them and ran further into the building.

"Arthur, where's it going?!" Diana asked. Arthur checked a screen, it showing where the bear was going.

"I think it's heading to the garage." The Atlantean monarch reported. Batman went stiff. His chin could be seen getting pale.

"No..." He whispered. "NO GOD NO!" He ran to the garage area. The rest of the League all looked at each other briefly for a moment in confusion. They then heard Batman screaming very loudly.

"Bruce!" The other League members yelped in unison, then ran behind him. When they reached the garage area, they found themselves beholding quite a sight.

The Dark Knight had fallen to his knees. Tears fell down his cowl-covered eyes as the League took in the sight.

The bear had covered his Batmobile, regarded as one of the coolest vehicles in the multiverse, in turd.

"Why?" Batman whimpered. "Why?" He fell forward and started full on ugly crying. He kept repeating the word as he pounded the ground with his fists.

"Oh, my..." Diana gaped.

"I ain't cleaning that up." A snickering Arthur said.

"As someone who has lived on this world for over half of one of your centuries, I can safely say that Earth is never dull." J'onn noted.

Hal just burst out laughing. "Please tell me that the cameras here are recording this!" He cackled as Batman sobbed.

"...F& you, Hal..." Bruce whimpered.

Honolulu, Hawaii, Earth-199596

In the Big Pineapple there was a mansion. This mansion was located on the outskirts of the city. It was owned by Carol Vance Pukui, aka the demi-goddess superhero known as Wildfire. She was one of this Earth's first superheroes as the modern man thinks of them, having been active since the 1940s. And right now, the woman had a trio of guests in her home.

"Put in a little cayenne..." Remy LeBeau, aka Gambit said, putting some of the spice in the large silver pot. "Put in a little pepper..." He put some pepper in the pot.

"Something smells delicious." A woman's voice complimented. Remy turned around and saw Carol leaning on the doorway of the kitchen, her arms crossed and with a smile on her face.

"Jus' showin' off Gambit's skills in the kitchen, ma amie!" Remy grinned. "Once you try some of this stew, you ain't ever gonna want to eat supermarket stuff ever again."

"You making that stew, hon?" Joanna Cargill-LeBeau smiled as she walked in.

"I take it Remy's stew is pretty good?" The Native Hawaiian heroine asked.

"Oh yeah." Joanne nodded. "Remy is a very talented chef."

"Well, that's good to hear. By the way, how is little Gareth?"

"He's sleeping." Joanne answered. "Listen, thanks again for taking us in."

"It was my pleasure." Carol said. "I know that it's like to not have somewhere to call home." he two watched Remy cook. "I take it the man knows his way around the kitchen?"

"Remy is actually a great chef." Joanna smiled. "Jean Grey couldn't stand it."

"Really?" Carol said, an amused look on her face.

"Yup." Joanna chuckled. "Let's just say Thanksgiving and Christmas were always rather interesting at the Xavier Institute."

"Don' get Remy wrong, he trust Jean Grey wit' his life, but that woman had no concept of makin' food delicious! Her food was edible, but dat was bout it! She couldn't make it enjoyable!"

"Oh, last Christmas, he tried to spice up the ham Jean got for the occasion." Joanna smirked. "And she tossed him out a window."

"I see." An amused Carol chuckled.

"Remy try to help make her dinner good, and she do dat. Dat's gratitude for you." Remy grumbled. He then smiled. "And voila! Remy's Cajun Stew Special is ready!" The Cajun mutant whooped in triumph. "Get ready for de tastebuds to be delighted!" Remy poured some stew in some bowls for his wife and Carol, and the three chowed down.

"Oh, wow!" Carol exclaimed. "This stew is delicious!"

"Mmm. I'm hoping Gareth inherits Remy's chef skills." Joanna said.

"Remy got it from his daddy, so you never know." Remy shrugged as he ate his stew. The television in the kitchen (Remy had it on as background noise), then broadcast a special bulletin.

"A couple of hours ago, this police station was attacked by what witnesses described as a very large bear. We have Officer Tom Murray here with us right now." The cameraman showed a police officer shaking his head in disbelief. "Officer Murray, can you tell us what happened?"

"Well, as you know, last week, we made a major bust. 100 kilos of cocaine. We had it locked up, but then this...this..." Murray shook his head and tried to find the words. Another officer shoved Murray away and grabbed the microphone.

"There was a bear! It ate the cocaine!" The officer screamed at the camera. "A BEAR! Ate! The COCAINE! F&%$ THIS!" The officer exclaimed, spiking the mic into the ground and stomped away, throwing his hands up.

Remy and Joanna's jaws dropped.

"Is something wrong?" Carol asked.

"I don't believe it. I just...I just don't believe it." Joanna mumbled.

"A Cocaine Bear." Remy shook his head.

"...I thought that was some urban legend from the South." Carol blinked.

"Oh, on our Earth, he's very real." Joanna said. "Practically every superhero on our old Earth encountered him. Both the original and West Coast Avenger teams, the Fantastic Four, Force Works, various local-level superheroes..."

"It became a joke on our Earth that you weren't an official superhero until you had a Cocaine Bear encounter." Remy added with a nod. "You t'ink that thing survived, too?"

"Wouldn't surprise me." Joanna grumbled. "That monster always had a knack for surviving things." Unknown to the two X-Men, the Cocaine Bear of Earth-030165 did also survive that Earth's destruction. But that is a tale for another time.

"We have to find that thing." Carol said. "Who knows what kind of destruction it could cause."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" A bald woman screamed in horror. She wore a white shirt, white blouse, cream-colored slacks, a matching coat, and dark brown boots. She was running through a cornfield in Kansas. Why she was in Kansas, not even she knew. But she wished she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

"RRROOOOOOOOOOOAR!" The bear, well, roared as it chased after the woman.

"I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, CREATURE! WHY ARE YOU HERE?! IS THIS A PUNISHMENT FOR SOMETHING?!" Cassandra Nova screamed at the bear. The ursine's mouth started to glow.

FWEEEEEEE!

The bear fired an energy beam from its mouth at the telepath. She barely managed to dodge it in time. A farmer flew behind them on a futuristic sky-cycle, holding a shotgun.

"You homersexual city bastards!" He yelled angrily. "Yer killin' mah livelihood!"

Los Angeles, California, Earth-199999

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!" A man cackled madly as he pointed a red wand at an arcade cabinet. The wand fired a burst of electrical power at said cabinet, blowing it up. This man's presence had already caused a bit of commotion, but this action made them scream and scatter. "Yeah, that's right! Run! Run from the mighty electrical power of Megatak!" Gregory Nettles, corporate saboteur-turned-supervillain cackled. He wore a primarily red costume with blue gloves and boots, blue on the chest with large red metal "M"-shaped chestplate, and a red helmet with a large blue "M"-shaped faceplate.

The saboteur heard a vrooming noise. He turned around and saw Catalina Secord-Salazar, aka the Rocketeer, landing nearby. She pointed her gauntlets at him.

"Alright, pal. You've had your fun." A woman's voice said to him. Megatak turned around and saw the Rocketeer pointing her black gauntlets at him. "Why are you wrecking an arcade?"

"I'm getting paid." Megatak smirked. "Now if you'll excuse me, I got a job to do."

"So do I." Catalina said, blasting the supervillain with her gauntlets. A short time later, our heroine had managed to defeat this menace to the City of Angels. Up in Superhero Heaven, Cliff Secord was shedding tears of pride and joy.

"Thanks for helping take down this clown, Rocketeer." One of the police officers said as he and a couple others helped load Megatak into the police van.

"It's what I do." Catalina shrugged. She then heard a high-pitched whistling noise. The kind heard in those old cartoons when a character falls off a high cliff. "What was that?"

"Oh God!" The cops scattered. A confused Megatak looked around.

"What's going on-"

CRUNCH!

The bear landed on top of the van, crushing it. The large cocaine-addled ursine roared and raced into town, causing a panic.

"My spiiiiiiiiiiine..." Megatak wailed from inside the crushed van.

"Oh, hell!" Catalina groaned. The cops blinked. "Get a doctor for Megatak there, and then-!"

"Yip yip yip..." A voice said. Catalina turned around and saw something she thought was...bizarre: A pair of alien beings. They floated a couple feet off the ground, and looked like tentacled blobs that were made of felt. One was blue, and the other was pink. The blue one had big white eyes with solid orange antennae, and the pink one had yellow eyes with purple and orange antennae.

"Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip..." They chanted at her.

"What in the name of..." Catalina blinked under her helmet. She then noticed that the blue alien was holding a book. The blue alien looked in their book, then looked up at her.

"Rock-e-teer." The blue alien said.

"Rock-e-teer!" The pink one repeated joyously. The two then happily floated around her, chanting "yip yip yip".

"Uh...thanks?" A very confused Catalina said. "Uhm, nice to meet you guys, but I have to go. I gotta an angry bear to corral." She flew off, the two aliens happily waving her goodbye.

The Xavier Institute, Earth-110521

The X-Men's Blackbird landed in the hangar of the Institute. Watching this was Scott Summers, aka Cyclops of the X-Men. He wore his traditional blue-and-yellow uniform. He observed a hatch on the side of the jet opening up. Emerging first from the jet was a tall lanky blond man wearing a blue-and-yellow uniform. On his head was a brown aviator's cap with goggles on it. Accompanying him was a redheaded Scottish woman wearing a brown and yellow costume, and a Native American woman with a red and black costume. Her hair was in a pair of braids.

"Sam!" Scott smiled at the man. "I take it that the mission went well?"

"Went right as rain, boss!" Sam Guthrie/Cannonball smiled. "We managed to stop that Sentinel factory and got those two feudin' families to make up."

"It won't last." Rahne Sinclair/Wolfsbane snorted. "They're natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!"

"You Scots are a contentious people." Scott noted.

Rahne growled as she glared at Scott. "You just made an enemy for life!"

Danielle Moonstar/Mirage sighed. "Come on, Rahne. Let's get you a ham sandwich." The Cheyenne woman pulled her Scottish compatriot away. "A good ham sandwich always manages to brighten your mood." As she was pulled away, Rahne glared at Scott, and did the 'I'm watching you' gesture to him. Scott blinked at this.

"...that's the sixth time a Scottish person has said I'm their enemy for life." Scott muttered, shaking his head.

Later that day, Scott was looking out a window of the Institute, enjoying a cup of coffee.

"This coffee is good." Scott muttered to himself. Man, what a beautiful day. He sipped his coffee. Maybe I can take Jean out on a nice picnic. I'm sure she'd like that...wait, what is that?

KRESH!

The bear crashed through the window, slamming Scott into the ground. It caused the mutant to get a faceful of coffee. And it also caused something else.

"OH GAWD MY EYES! THERE IS HOT COFFEE BURNING MY FACE AND GLASS IN MY EYES! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I SAW WOLVERINE AND THAT CAVEWOMAN NAKED!" Scott wailed, covering his face. The bear roared and ran down the hall, causing havoc.

"OH MY GOD!" Jean Grey was heard screaming.

"WHERE DID THAT BEAR COME FROM?!" Kurt Wagner yelled.

"IT JUST ATE MY SANDWICH! YOU MADE AN ENEMY FOR LIFE, BEAR!" Rahne snarled.

"THAT BEAR JUST STOLE MY SHIRT!" Bobby Drake exclaimed.

The bear then ran back down the way it came, running over Scott in the process.

"WHERE'S MY MONEY, YOU URSINE BASTARD?!" Logan shouted as he chased after the bear, his claws out.

"Why God why?!" Scott moaned.

Empire City, Earth-091988

(Author's Note: This is set before the events shown on this Earth in Chapter 4 of Movie-Brat's Tales from the Beyonder)

"And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those damned COPS!" A man yelled as he was put in the back of a paddy wagon. The vehicle drove away. Watching this was a stunning blonde woman in a red dress.

"Should have thought about that before starting that cheese smuggling ring." She shook her head and walked into an alley. "Seriously, a cheese smuggling ring? This isn't France..." The woman removed her wig and facial prosthetics, revealing short dark hair and Asian-American features.

Susanne "Susie" Young (Anglicized from "Yung") was a member of Empire City's elite task force within its police department known as the Central Organization of Police Specialists, or C.O.P.S. Codenamed "Mirage", she was their undercover/vice specialist, from the San Francisco PD. She heard a beeping. The woman looked down and noticed it came from her purse. She pulled out her communicator.

"This is Mainframe, calling Mirage. Come in, Mirage." The voice of the COPS' cyber-crime expert, Mainframe, piped up. Mirage activated her communicator.

"This is Mirage. What's the situation?" The undercover specialist asked.

"We've been getting reports of a...bear."

"A...bear?" Mirage blinked. "Did Big Boss kidnap a bear from the zoo?" She scratched her head in confusion.

"No, all the zoo's animals are accounted for." Mainframe answered. "This bear just appeared in Empire City Park. Stumbled out of a portal, and started rampaging. It also attacked a bakery, and ate all the flour."

"Ate...the flour?" Mirage repeated in disbelief.

"I know, I think it's crazy, too." Mainframe muttered. "Just keep an eye out. The bear is shown to be incredibly strong and durable. He's also caused a lot of injuries, swatting people around."

"I'll keep an eye out." Mirage nodded.

"Don't try to engage it alone." Mainframe advised. "Longarm and Mace are in pursuit. Just keep an eye out."

"I'll keep that in mind. Mirage out." She shut off her communicator. "Crazed bears. What will happen next in this line of work..." She then saw the bear. "...oh."

The bear blinked at her.

"...uh, hi." Mirage waved at the large ursine.

The bear blinked at her. Again. He then grabbed the vice officer, making her scream.

MMMMMMMMWAH!

The bear gave the officer a big kiss, then put her down and ran off roaring. Mirage was left standing there, completely dazed and confused. She barely registered the police car driving up to her. Emerging from it was two of her fellow COPS: PJ "Longarm" O'Malley, and Colt "Mace" Edwards.

"Hey Mirage! Did ya see where that bear went?" Longarm asked.

"Uh...dee...boyyy...buh buh buh..." She weakly pointed in the direction the bear ran at.

"Thanks! Let's go, Mace!" He returned to the car and drove off.

"Guh..." Mirage mumbled. "Gwa...gi..burfl...I...what...huh...AAAAAAAUGH! BEAR GERMS!" She screamed, furiously brushing at her face. "MOUTHWASH! I NEED MOUTHWASH!" The vice officer wailed, running towards a bathroom.

Point Place, Wisconsin, Earth-702

Earth-702 may have been conquered by the Nazis and their Dalek allies, but the people of this world would not submit quietly. Even though these evil forces managed to subjugate this Earth, there were still people fighting back, people resisting.

One of those people was Eric Forman. Forman was once an ordinary young man from Wisconsin. Until the Daleks and the Nazis came. He saw the Daleks kill his father, who fought the Nazis thirty years earlier. They also killed his beloved girlfriend Donna. He thought about them as he stared at the nozzle of his flamethrower.

I don't know if there's a Heaven, but if there is, I know those goose-stepping prigs won't be heading there. Eric thought. He turned his head and looked down at the meeting of Nazi officials from another Earth. He didn't listen to what they discussed, nor did he care. He wasn't there to play spy, he was there to burn.

"Anybody order fried sauerkraut?!" Eric Forman asked, pointing his flamethrower at the Nazi men down below. The men went for their sidearms, but Forman was faster. He rained hot burning fiery death on them. The Nazis screamed like little girls.

"AHHHHHHH!"

"MEIN LEBEN!"

"BURN IN HELL, YOU NAZI BASTARDS!" Eric cackled, pumping his flamethrower in the air in triumph. He turned and saw the Cocaine Bear of Earth-030165 (clad in US Army fatigues and a green beret) mauling some more Nazis. "Nice work, buddy!" He gave the bear a thumbs-up. The bear nodded and gave one back. The two heard guns cocking. They turned and saw a pair of Nazi soldiers pointing their guns at them. Eric pointed his flamethrower and the bear roared, its mouth starting to glow.

BLAM! BLAM!

One of the soldiers fell as he got shot in the back. The other's eyes went wide.

SPOK!

His chest exploded in blood as a tip of a sword burst out, blooming like a sharp metal flower. The blade vanished almost as quickly as it appeared. Eric and Cocaine Bear blinked and looked at each other in confusion.

"Friends of yours?" Eric asked. Cocaine Bear shook his head.

"You were right, my love." A woman's voice said, her voice having a strange accent that Eric didn't recognize. "Killing Nazis never stops being fun."

"Indeed, hon." A male voice responded, as the sources walked up to the young man and the cocaine-enhanced superbear.

The male was tall and broad-shouldered. He wore a blue costume that made Eric think he walked out of a comic book. The costume had a red "V" that went over the shoulders. The cowl of his costume hid his blond hair and blue eyes behind mirrored lenses, the cowl also having a solid red circle. The costume also had red boots, gloves, and a utility belt with a pair of holsters in it. He held up a pair of guns that he put in the holsters.

Codename: Assassin. Birth Name: Jonathan Drew. Birthplace: Opal City, Maryland, Earth-1992. Physiology: Metahuman. Powers and abilities: Telepathy, limited telekinesis. Skilled covert operative, hand-to-hand combatant, marksman, and baker.

The woman was a slightly taller redhead, in a bright mane, kept out of her face by a shining jeweled diadem. She wore a sleeveless black leather jacket that showed her muscular shoulders and arms. The jacket's lapels had silver studs on them, and also had gold epaulets and small silver spikes on the collarbone areas. On the back of the jacket was the word "She-Devil" in red Japanese lettering, and a white roaring oni's head with a red mane of hair.

Around her neck was a zebra-print bandanna. Her outfit included an armored silver bikini top that showed her generous bust and abs, a pair of daisy dukes held up by a belt that had a scabbard attached to it, and cowboy boots. In her brown-gloved hands was a sword, the tip dripping with the blood of the Nazi she impaled.

Red Sonja. Birth Name: Sonja Drew (took up "Drew" surname after marriage). Birthplace: Hyrkania Free Zone, Earth-1973TWS. Physiology: Human Mutate (blessed by the goddess Scathach). Powers and abilities: Enhanced strength, durability, reflexes, healing factor. Skilled hand-to-hand combatant, swordswoman, and heavy metal singer.

"The name's Jonathan Drew." The blue-and-red man introduced. He smiled and gestured to the redhead. "And this is my wife, Red Sonja."

"Nice to meet you." Sonja greeted, cleaning off her sword and putting it in the scabbard. "You Eric Forman?"

"...yeah?" Eric blinked. He noticed that Jonathan was staring at him. "Uh..."

"He's telling the truth." The telepathic agent confirmed with a nod. He turned around. "We found him, Doc." He and Sonja moved aside, and another figure walked up to the man and the superbear. He had short white hair and a craggy face that had a white mustache and beard. His clothing was in various shades of brown: Overcoat, pants, boots, waistcoat. The only piece of clothing he wore that was not in a shade of brown was his scarf, and that was because it was also white. The man looked at the bear.

"Hmmm." He raised an eyebrow. "I figured there was more than one of those things running around the multiverse."

"I thought they were a myth, to be honest with you." Sonja noted.

"I have seen one of those before. They are no myth." Jonathan frowned.

"Who the hell are you?" Eric asked the white-haired man. He looked at Eric.

"I've mostly been known as a Doctor." The brown-clad man, the War Doctor, introduced himself.

"A doctor?" Eric blinked. "What kind of doctor?"

"He's just called 'The Doctor'." Jonathan explained. Eric blinked, and the assassin nodded. "Yeah, I found it a bit nuts, too. I shouldn't have, considering my situation."

"If I may, I would like to remind you all we are in a heavily-fortified building, and we should leave." The Doctor reminded.

Jonathan put a hand to his head. "The Doctor's right. I sense more soldiers coming. We'd better leave. Now."

"Let's go!" Sonja nodded. She looked at Eric and the Cocaine Bear. "You two better come along with us."

"Uh, yeah." The five then fled the building. Eric looked at the telepathic assassin. "So, what's your story?"

"Me? Former US Army man." Jonathan explained. "Underwent an experiment that activated my dormant metagene, giving me powers. I then was trained to be a covert operative by the CIA, and did some work for them. I left when my sister Marie was killed. She was a reporter looking into some shady deals by a company with a rogue nation, but the CIA wouldn't let me look into it. After busting up the operation, I found myself without a purpose. That's when the Doctor found me." He smiled. "I met the Doctor after he found some Superman wannabe all crucified in some alternate universe Vietnam. Not long afterwards, we rescued Sonja from her Earth."

"A wall of white destroyed it." Sonja explained.

The white-haired man looked at Eric. "We're here to help you free your world." The War Doctor told the young freedom fighter. "The Daleks are old enemies of mine."

"Those robot things?" Eric asked.

"Those are not robots." Sonja explained. "They're vehicles, operated by little squid-like beings."

"They're ugly bastards." Jonathan cracked. "Would explain why they hate everyone and everything that isn't Daleks. Hell, they probably hate each other!" He looked at the War Doctor. "What's this guy's deal?"

"He comes from a planet called Gallifrey. The people there call themselves Time Lords." Jonathan explained.

"There was some big thing called a 'Time War' that his people fought the Daleks in. Did some screwy things to time. It's probably why the Daleks are here. Time Lord techno-crap ended up all over the multiverse." Sonja continued. "Don't ask me, that ain't my thing. I prefer good ol' hard steel." She smirked wickedly. "It's one of the things I love about Jonathan."

"Sonja, not now." Jonathan rolled his eyes.

"...you don't seem freaked out by all this." Eric noted.

Jonathan smirked. "Kid, I'm a telepathic covert operative. I'm married to a Hyborian Age-era swordswoman-turned-1980s heavy metal singer from another universe. I've seen some weird stuff." He glanced at Cocaine Bear. "And my universe has one of those, too."

"Really?" Eric blinked.

"Yup." Jonathan confirmed with a nod. "Encountered one in my Army days. I still can't think about Bogota without shuddering a bit." He shuddered.

"He has been pretty helpful against the Nazis and the Daleks." Eric said.

Drew nodded. "Makes sense. Cocaine Bears hate Nazis."

Central New York, Unknown Earth

A portal opened up in the middle of the forest. The bear stumbled through it. He clutched his stomach.

BLEARURGGGGGH!

The bear vomited out a rainbow and then fell asleep. Yes, this bear had many adventures after stumbling upon that strange white powder. Who knows? Maybe it will have some more in the future!

Megatak first appeared in Thor #328 (February 1983), created by Doug Moench and Alan Kupperberg.

Codename: Assassin first appeared in 1st Issue Special #11 (February 1976), created by Gerry Conway, Steve Skeates, and Nestor Redondo. I established his birthplace was Opal City because I couldn't find any info on his established birthplace, and as a nod to the 1990s Starman series establishing he operated there for a while in the 1970s.

The take on Red Sonja here was inspired by a two-page spread of her riding a motorcycle wearing jeans and a leather jacket over her chainmail bikini. Her Earth's designation is a reference to the year of her Marvel Comics debut and the TWS is a reference to Thomas and Windsor-Smith, as in Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, her creators. She debuted in Conan the Barbarian #23 (February 1973).

"found a Superman wannabe all crucified in an alternate universe Vietnam" is a reference to the War Doctor undoing the brainwashing of the Last Son of Alcatraz in Pighead's DEATHFAME.