Chapter 5: Test Anxiety

The SATs. Many people throughout my life have told me that this is the most important test that I will ever take in my life. Supposedly this test determines your future. I thought it was bullshit at first but then I started to recognize how much effort these parents, including my own, put into making sure their kids score high on this exam. I've heard there are some parents that make their kids prepare for the SATs as early as 6th grade. Hell, there are even parents that pay money for retakes or worse have somebody else take the test for them. Recently, I've been watching some videos that say that the whole SATs and college education thing is bullcrap when it comes to determining your future. These videos say that you can be able to earn just as much without needing to get a college education. I sort of started to believe what they were saying until my parents immediately convinced me to think otherwise. I'm starting to think that the whole going to college thing is just for image. The more prestige behind the college you attend, the more likely you'll have your parents brag about you during family reunions. All I know is that college isn't an option for me much less going to a college that is not nationally recognized. My dad wants me to go to his alma mater, UCLA, and my mom doesn't mind which nationally ranked school I go to so long that it isn't in another state. Some of the top schools in California are UCLA, USC, and Stanford. All those schools require a decently high SAT score just so you can be on their radar. That's why for the past year I have been forced to attend weekend SAT tutoring and take numerous practice exams online. Even with all that training I still doubt my ability to get a high score on that exam. Hopefully, those weekend tutoring sessions will pay off in the end.

Saturday Morning: East Highland High School

On the day of the exam, I had to wake up early to have breakfast and get myself ready. It felt weird waking up this early on a Saturday and it felt even more weird seeing the school parking lot so empty. I entered the school and made my way to the school library since that was where the test was going to take place. Surprisingly, there were already people seated at tables. It looked like I was the last person that they were waiting for. I signed in with the testing chaperone and sat at the only empty table that was available. The testing chaperone started going over the rules once I got settled in.

Testing Chaperone: In each section you will find that there is a stop sign at the end. Please do not go past the stop sign until you are told otherwise.

After going over a bunch of rules, the testing chaperone gave us permission to start.

Testing Chaperone: You may now begin. Good luck.

The first sections of the exam were the English portions. For someone that struggles in English class, I surprisingly thought that this part of the exam wasn't that hard. Right when we were working on the final section of the English portion, one of the people sitting in the table right next to me got up and left the room. The chaperone called out her name, but she didn't listen.

Testing Chaperone: Kat.

For a minute, the whole room stopped what they were doing just to see what was going on.

Testing Chaperone: Everybody, keep your eyes on the test. I'm not giving out extra minutes if you don't finish before the timer runs out.

We immediately went back to finishing the last section of the English portion of the exam. After we finished, we were given a break before starting the Math portion. Since we weren't allowed to talk to anyone during the exam, nobody talked about what happened some minutes ago. It wasn't until later that I found out that Kat left the school mid-exam and never came back that day.

Thursday Evening: Dr. Melfi's Office

Dr. Melfi: So, she just left mid-exam and never came back?

Daniel: Yeah. She didn't come back to the room and finish her exam. I didn't know much about her leaving school until I got word about it from somebody who was also taking the exam that day.

Dr. Melfi: Uh huh.

Daniel: Yeah. It just seems so weird you know.

Dr. Melfi: Hmm. Why do you say that?

Daniel: Well, it's not really like her to do something like that. Well not really like anyone to do something like that. My parents would kill me if I had pulled some stunt like that.

Dr. Melfi: Maybe she was feeling anxious during the exam. It's not rare to see someone let their nerves take over them when taking an exam. Did she show any signs of anxiety during the exam?

Daniel: I guess I might have picked up some signs. I remember hearing some heavy breathing coming from her side. Maybe it could have been test anxiety.

Dr. Melfi: Perhaps.

Daniel: I don't know. But I also think for some crazy reason that I might've been the cause of her anxiety that day.

Dr. Melfi: Why do you say that?

Daniel: When I walked in the testing room, we made eye contact. It felt awkward and it didn't help that the only seat that was available was the table right beside her.

Dr. Melfi: Why was it awkward seeing her?

Daniel: Would you believe me if I said that me and her dated at one point?

6 years ago: Daniel's House

Daniel: Mom! I need your help with getting ready for school!

Daniel's Mom: Coming!

Daniel's mom walked up the stairs and into Daniel's room.

Daniel: Which shirt do you think looks better? This one or that one?

Daniel's Mom: Oh, honey I think you'd look good with either one!

Daniel rolls his eyes.

Daniel: Mom, I'm serious. I want to wear something nice for Kat.

Daniel's Mom: Ok my little Romeo hmm... why not try this shirt and these pants.

Daniel: Thanks mom! You're the best!

Daniel hugged his mom.

Tuesday Morning: Jefferson Middle School Entrance

I'm super excited to see what Kat thinks about my outfit. She always dresses nicely, and I wanted to impress her by dressing nicely myself. I usually come to school a bit early just so I could wait by the entrance when her mom drops her off. Conveniently, there are these patches of flowers by the entrance. I'd always make sure to pick one of the flowers from those patches and give it to Kat whenever she got out of her mom's car. A black Mercedes drove into the school's front entrance lot. Kat came out of the passenger seat and came running up to me, I did the same. We hugged and I asked her what she thought about my outfit.

Daniel: So, what do you think about my outfit love? I wanted to wear something as beautiful as you.

Kat's eyes sparkled and she gave a big smile.

Kat: I love it darling.

I smiled and gave her the flower I picked out from the patch. We grabbed hands and started making our way to the school.

Thursday Evening: Dr. Melfi's Office

Dr. Melfi: It seemed like you two got along well during the relationship.

Daniel: Yeah, we did. But the awkward part didn't come from that...It came from how the relationship ended.

Dr. Melfi: What do you mean?

Daniel: After she came back from summer vacation, she gained 20 pounds. Her weight gain was noticeable, and she tried her best to hide it by wearing loose clothing. To be honest, I didn't really mind the weight gain at first. I still loved Kat, and I didn't care too much about how she looked as long as she was the same Kat that I talked to every morning for the past year.

Dr. Melfi: If it wasn't looks, then what made you change your mind about Kat?

6 years ago: Middle School Cafeteria

I was having lunch with my friends when suddenly someone started bringing up Kat's weight gain.

Middle School Boy 1: Did you guys notice how fat Kat got after summer break?

Middle School Boy 2: Yeah, she looks barely recognizable.

Middle School Boy 3: She looks like Snorlax.

The boys at the table started laughing.

Daniel: Stop laughing guys. It isn't funny.

Middle School Boy 1: Aww Ralph Lauren over here is defending his girlfriend…as always.

Middle School Boy 2: Dude when are you going to break up with her? You've been dating her for 1 year, that's fricking long for a middle school relationship.

Daniel: I'm not going to break up with her. I love her.

The whole table started laughing and making fun of Daniel for that comment.

Middle School Boy 3: Daniel you changed bro. When did you become such a puss?

Daniel: What did you say?

Daniel got up and grabbed the boy by his shirt.

Middle School Boy 3: Take it easy, I'm just trying to help you out here.

The other boys from the table got up and went toward Daniel. Daniel let go of the boy's shirt.

Middle School Boy 2: It's true Daniel. We just want what is best for you. Do you really think people will think you're cool even when you're dating a huge girl like Kat. Imagine how big she'll get when she's older.

Middle School Boy 1: Yeah. Besides who really looks back on middle school relationships. You're not going to stay with her forever, are you?

Daniel didn't say anything else for the remainder of lunch. He kept on thinking about his relationship with Kat and what it could be like in the future. The conversation he had with the boys started making him doubt his relationship. Before leaving the cafeteria and heading to class, a boy from the table asked Daniel a question.

Middle School Boy 2: Hey! So, you're going to break up with her right?

When that question was asked, all eyes were on Daniel. Crowded by a swarm of boys, most of them his childhood friends, Daniel felt like he only had one route to take if he wanted to move forward in life.

Daniel: I guess so.

The boys smiled and gave Daniel a pat on the back. Peer pressure can be such a bitch.

Monday Afternoon: Jefferson Middle School Hallway

While Daniel was getting ready for the next period of class, he was nervous about how he would break the news to Kat. Out of nowhere, a blonde girl walks up to him.

Kate: Hey Daniel!

It was Kate Sutherland. Me and her sort of go way back to 1st grade. According to some of her friends, she's always had a major crush on me.

Daniel: Hey Kate.

Kate: So, I heard from some of the boys that you're planning on breaking up with Kat.

I was about to say something until she took the words out of my mouth.

Kate: You're nervous, right?

I nodded my head.

Daniel: Yeah. I don't know how to break the news to her. I don't want her to get hurt and I also don't want to cause a scene.

Kate: Maybe I can break the news to her.

Daniel looked confused.

Daniel: What are you talking about?

Kate: I could write a breakup letter for you and have it be handed to Kat during class. That way you'll be able to break up with Kat without having to confront her.

The plan looked genius at the time. But even then, Daniel felt worried about how the plan would go.

Daniel: Are you sure this will work?

Kate: It'll totally work Daniel. I'm just trying to look out for you...and Kat. To make it look believable, you'll have to write the note in your handwriting. I'll tell you what to write.

Daniel decided to go with Kate's plan. When it came for the last period of the day, Daniel gave Kate the signal to initiate the plan. In the middle of the class, Kate passed a note to the person sitting in front of her. Kate whispered to the person.

Kate: Pass this to Kat.

The person followed Kate's orders and started passing the note down. The note went down one by one until it finally reached Kat. Daniel was nervous as he didn't know what Kat would do when she read the note. To Daniel's surprise, when Kat read the note, she didn't explode instead she sat at her desk silently crying to herself. Daniel felt bad but at least he knew he wouldn't be embarrassed in front of his peers.

Thursday Evening: Dr. Melfi's Office

Daniel: And then from that moment, we just never interacted with each other. Yeah, we would occasionally pass by each other at school, but we would immediately direct our eyes elsewhere once we came into any form of contact.

Dr. Melfi: I can see why you felt that situation in the testing room was awkward.

Daniel: Yeah.

Dr. Melfi: But I'm curious to explore more behind the reason why you broke up with her. Based on your retelling of the events of the breakup, you had mentioned feeling pressure from your friends. In one of our first sessions, I think you and me sort of discussed the importance you put towards social appearance and what others think. Am I correct?

Daniel: Yeah, for the most part, I guess.

Dr. Melfi: Ok. So, I wanted to ask you...how do you feel when you start thinking about what others might think?

Daniel took a moment to respond.

Daniel: I guess...I mean...yeah...it feels terrible.

Dr. Melfi: Mhm. I'm going to ask you this question. This question in the world of counseling is called the miracle question. I've had some clients refer to it as the million-dollar question. Now, this question doesn't have to be answered right now, it could be answered whenever. Alright, are you ready for the question?

Daniel: Yeah, I'm ready.

Dr. Melfi: Ok. What do you think your life would be like if you didn't have to always follow the social expectations of others?

Daniel: Yeah...I don't think I will be able to answer that right now. Wow.

Daniel and Dr. Melfi shared a laugh.

Dr. Melfi: That's alright. Most people take time answering miracle questions. So don't feel bad if you're not able to come up with an answer today or even the next time we meet.

The phone timer buzzes

Dr. Melfi: And that's all the time we have. What a good way to end the session, don't you think?

Daniel: Yeah. I'll think about that question and try to come up with something next session. Thanks Dr. Melfi.

Dr. Melfi: Anytime Daniel. Have a nice day!