Part 2: Red Rover
Chapter 13
He looked flabbergasted. Clenching her jaw, Julia continued with a shrug, "The rotation, remember? I take it that you do recall my mentioning it to you? Well, why not just get it over with now? That will give you all the time you need, though I'll be sorry to miss Roger and Veronika's wedding. Perhaps I will return just to witness it."
"Miss their wedding? Julia—" Barnabas stopped looking confused and began to look stern. "Julia, what are you saying? You're making me feel like I'm—under attack, being punished for something I don't know about."
"Then I'll let you in on it," Julia said, stepping into his arms. But she would not look into his face. She kept her eyes on his collar.
"You have hurt me, my dear, hurt me to my soul. Disrupted me. It's evident that you want Roxanne and that our wedding can now never come to pass."
Barnabas gasped and seized her shoulders, about to expostulate something—a denial, an excuse—but Julia turned her face away from him.
"I'll hide her, Barnabas, and care for her. None of this is her fault. Dr. Liska can take over in the morning when I'm gone, and you must let me go. I had honestly thought that you and I … I did actually believe that you loved me now, authentically loved me and saw me as enough, as even someone you wanted, and that we could be married. But it's not possible." Julia shifted her pained green eyes to her lover.
"I see the way you look at her. Perhaps after you've had some time to realize and admit to yourself that that woman, Roxanne, is the only—"
She was interrupted as Barnabas shook her ferociously. She drew in her breath, and her teeth chattered together.
"Julia!" he shouted, unmindful of the sleeping house, "Julia! Stop! You do not understand me! You—are wrong, Julia," he insisted desperately, lowering his voice. "Roxanne shall not come between us, does not come between us. My love, listen to me—"
Julia whirled her face back to him, and now she grasped his shoulders. "But she has come between us," Julia muttered. "She does. Your eyes, your tears, your face. I have not seen your face look like this for a long time! More than any of the others, you mourn the loss of Roxanne. It is she whom you love. What kind of marriage do you think I can stand, if the moment you see this woman you behave in such a manner? You have wiped out my existence, my dear. I am no longer here. It is as though I have been erased, and it's quite interesting, for I feel nothing. Nothing.
"I lost my pride with you long ago, Barnabas. But I tell you this now: it's not so long a time ago that I can't reclaim it.
"I am no one's second or third choice. That is not fair to either of us."
She stepped back, out of his grip, and he let her. He actually took a step backwards himself.
"The more I say," he said in quiet horror, "the less you hear. Why can't you hear me? … I don't know how to proceed, but Julia, you are wrong, so wrong. You are just feeling—jealousy, or panic, at seeing this girl again. But it is not as you think. I … I need … how can I explain my reaction to her?" he cried, his voice rising. "My reaction to Roxanne, in fact, ought to prove what I am telling you." His voice sank again. "My darling, don't leave in the morning. This problem has cropped up now—and—if you simply leave without—" he trailed off.
Julia replied, "I'm leaving this morning for Windcliff. Certainly it looks as though I'm marching off in a snit—but let's just be goddamned glad that my rotation has come up, now, to give us this breathing space. My dear love—I shall love you always, Barnabas, always. Nobody else. And I shall always be here for you."
"Then stay!" Barnabas erupted. "Don't leave me!"
"But this one time—no. No. It is too much to bear. I am a woman, and I can't—not again!"
She turned from him once more, looked about, strode over to where her stethoscope hung half off a pretty armchair with a whimsical striped fabric. She picked it up and shoved it into her pocket. "Just let me give you this time, and you give me this time. To straighten out my head, as the kids say."
Barnabas turned his face to the wall.
Julia stepped to the doorway, hesitated a moment, straightened her jacket. "I'll be back with Willie," she told him.
She left.
.
.