"I do not own Ranma or Tenchi Muyo. This is my first fic after reading many from various sites. I have read mostly slapstick comedy and shōnen, so trying on a crackfic"
Deity for a Day (a Ranma 1/2 Tenchi Muyo Crossover)
Chapter 6: "The Challengers of Chaos"
...And the screaming started.
Not the usual Nerima someone's-in-trouble screaming. No, this was worse. Louder. Cheering. Chanting. The kind of noise that made Ranma want to check if he'd accidentally wandered into a boy band concert or possibly the apocalypse.
"Oh you've got to be kidding me," Ranma muttered, wondering if his divine powers included the ability to spontaneously develop selective deafness.
Nabiki was perched on what could only be described as a golden throne beneath the banner, looking like a capitalism goddess who'd just discovered a new way to monetize oxygen. She casually adjusted her designer sunglasses, megaphone in hand, and waved like he was about to start the halftime show at the Super Bowl—or more accurately, like she was about to auction off his dignity to the highest bidder.
"Step right up!" Nabiki's voice blared through the speaker, slick as oil and twice as flammable.
"5,000 yen per match!" Nabiki continued, her voice reaching decibels that probably violated noise ordinances in three prefectures. "Step right up, ladies, gentlemen, and beings of indeterminate origin! Test your strength, skill, or sheer dumb luck against Nerima's greatest martial artist. And don't forget—the stakes are high: win, and you marry Ranma Saotome! Lose, and you... well, you still get to tell everyone you touched him!"
And the line of challengers…
It stretched down the block. It was longer than the wait at Tokyo Disneyland, and the crowd was twice as rabid. Some of them were waving banners. A few were holding what looked like marriage licenses already signed.
Ranma opened his mouth to protest, mentally drafting his resignation from the human race—
And then, like a cosmic punchline delivered by the universe's worst comedian, Washu's voice echoed in his head, chipper as a caffeinated squirrel:
"Don't worry, Ranma! I'll have this all fixed up... eventually. You know, when I have time. Maybe after lunch. Or next Tuesday. In the meantime, enjoy the fun! Think of it as cosmic community service!"
Suddenly someone came charging at him.
The First Challenger: The Acrobat of Affection!
A girl in a glittering pink leotard flipped through the air toward him, twirling ribbons that crackled with electricity.
"Ranma-samaaa! Prepare to be dazzled!"
She lashed out with a whip-like ribbon. It whistled through the air—and Ranma ducked just in time.
"You've gotta be kidding me!"
She backflipped, somersaulted, and launched herself into a spin so fast it created a mini-tornado. Her leotard was blinding enough to qualify as a safety hazard. Ranma was pretty sure the Geneva Convention had something to say about weaponized sparkles.
Ranma leapt over the tornado, landed behind her with the grace of someone who'd spent his entire life escaping unwanted affection, and lightly tapped the back of her neck with all the enthusiasm of someone poking a suspicious puddle.
She collapsed to the ground in a puff of sparkles that would make a unicorn jealous, sighing, "He's so strong~!" before passing out with cartoon hearts in her eyes and a smile that suggested she might frame the bruise where he'd touched her.
The crowd cheered. Nabiki gave him a thumbs-up and mouthed, "Keep it up! Cash cow!"
The Second Challenger: The Mysterious Masked Monsoon!
The next opponent was… something else. She wore a swirling black cloak that billowed dramatically despite the lack of wind.
"I am the Masked Monsoon," she announced in a voice that seemed to echo from a deep cavern. "And I shall claim your destiny!"
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Uh… huh."
The Monsoon raised both arms like she was directing the world's most overwrought orchestra—and it started raining. Indoors. Because apparently meteorological impossibilities were now on the menu.
"What the hell?! Is there a clause in my contract that says I have to get wet in EVERY story?!"
Ranma shrieked as water poured down, soaking him in an instant, flipping him into his girl form with the universe's usual impeccable timing.
Monsoon chuckled darkly, the sound like a Halloween soundtrack having an identity crisis. "Now you are mine! I've always wanted a wife who's occasionally a husband! Think of the tax benefits!"
But Girl-Ranma just sighed, wrung out her pigtail, and promptly kicked the Masked Monsoon into the stratosphere.
"Next," Ranma muttered,
Nabiki's eyes widened in panic, seeing potential profits evaporating. "No, no, NO! The male bracket pays more!" She hurriedly tossed a steaming teapot toward Ranma. "Quick! Transform back! I've got three more rich heiresses waiting their turn!"
Ranma caught the teapot mid-dodge and dumped it over herself, instantly reverting to male form. "Thanks, Nabiki! Your greed actually helped for once!"
"It's not greed, it's entrepreneurial spirit," Nabiki called back, already updating her pricing chart.
Ranma cracked her knuckles, glancing at the next group of competitors with a little more confidence than before.
"Alright," he muttered. "I can handle this."
And that's when he realized the line wasn't getting any shorter.
In fact… it looked longer.
The crowd went wild. Nabiki was already counting another stack of bills, a satisfied smirk playing on her lips. "Excellent! The more ridiculous, the better the profit!"
The Third Challenger: The Weeping Wok Wonder!
"I am the Weeping Wok Wonder!" she wailed, her voice thick with dramatic sobs, wielding a dented wok like a tragic shield. Tears already streamed down her face, and her apron was stained with… something sticky. "Prepare to taste the bitterness of my culinary despair!"
She hurled the wok, then unleashed a flurry of diced onions. "My Onion Onslaught! You'll cry too!" She then pulled a handful of overripe bananas from her pockets, hurling them with surprising accuracy. "And my Banana Barrage! Slippery and sorrowful!"
Ranma dodged a flying banana peel, his lip curling in disgust. "Seriously? Onions and bananas?"
With a swift spin-kick, he sent her sprawling, wok clattering. "Next chef, please. And maybe skip the tears and the fruit salad next time."
Nabiki, adjusting her sunglasses, called out, "Another 5,000 yen! At this rate, I'll be able to buy that private island! Maybe I'll name it 'Ranma's Dignity'—since I now officially own it!"
The fourth Challenger: A mysterious space pirate!
"Ranma Saotome, huh?" Her voice was smooth, almost lazy—but there was something feral underneath, like a cat pretending to be asleep while eyeing the canary. "You're cute. I think I'll take you. I've been looking for a new hood ornament for my spaceship."
Ranma stiffened. Great. Space pirate vibes.
He cracked his knuckles anyway. "Lemme guess—beat me, and you marry me?"
"Exactly." Her grin widened. "Let's play. I promise I'll only break you a little."
She didn't wait for a signal. One moment she was standing there—next, she phased behind him with the dimensional awareness of someone who considered physics more of a suggestion than a law, fingers ghosting along his neck like a hunting cat. He barely dodged, flipping away with the practiced ease of someone who'd spent his life escaping deadly situations and awkward conversations, but she was already there, her foot slamming into his side and sending him skidding across the pavement in a maneuver that would've earned a perfect 10 from judges if "human bowling" were an Olympic sport.
"Dammit!" Ranma growled, rolling to his feet, ribs aching. She was fast. Ridiculously fast.
And her strikes—he ducked just in time to avoid a swipe from twin energy blades—left scorch marks in the air. Her power flared hot and wild, burning through every opening.
Another blow clipped his shoulder, spinning him around. He hit the ground hard, breath hissing through his teeth like air escaping from the balloon of his confidence.
"You're slowing down," she teased, hovering above him.
Ranma forced himself up, sweat dripping down his brow. "Yeah… maybe. "
He slowed his breath, grounding his energy. Cool ki spread through him like a calm center in a storm. She didn't even notice—she was too busy grinning, diving in for the final blow.
"Hiryu Shoten Ha!"
The tornado erupted from his hands, swirling around them both. Her grin vanished as the wild heat of her aura fed the vortex. In seconds, she was launched skyward, flipping end over end.
She crashed down outside the ring, groaning but her landing was more theatrical than painful.
Then she propped herself up on one elbow, giving him a playful smirk...
"Didn't see that coming". She winked a flirtatious heart at him "I like a man who knows how to keep me on my toes. Hey cutie, call me when you want some real excitement. I'll bring the energy blades, you bring that tornado thing."
From her throne of yen stacks, Nabiki didn't miss a beat. "Next challenger! Ranma, try to look less half-dead. It's bad for business."
Ranma's eye twitched. "Washu?! I need a way out now!"
"You'll be fine!" Washu chirped, completely unfazed. "Just keep winning the challenges, and I'll clear up the space-time continuum when I can. It'll be fun! You'll be the star of your own show!"
"Next challenger!" Nabiki shouted, not even pausing in her money-counting. "Keep that energy up, Ranma, we're raking it in!"
The fifth challenger: Ukyo's Slippery Gambit
The crowd cheered as Ukyo Kuonji stepped into the ring, her giant spatula glinting in the sunlight.
She tied her headband tighter, her expression resolute.
"Ran-chan," she said, grinning. "Ready to make me your wife-slash-personal-assistant?"
Ranma groaned, his face flushing. "Ucchan, you know you can't win!"
"Maybe not," she said, swinging her spatula. "But I can try! Besides, my victory pose is really cute—I've been practicing!"
The two exchanged blows, Ukyo's spatula clanging against Ranma's swift counters. The crowd
cheered as Ranma dodged her attacks with ease.
"See?" Ranma said, smirking. "I told you—"
His foot suddenly landed on a treacherous, yellow, slippery menace. A banana peel left by one of the earlier challengers.
Ranma's legs flailed like a newborn giraffe on roller skates. He emitted a sound somewhere between a surprised yelp and a deflating balloon as he performed an unintentional, gravity-assisted backflip, landing with a resounding "THWACK" outside the ring.
Nabiki's voice rang out over the megaphone. "And the winner is Ukyo Kuonji!"
Ranma sat up, dazed, stars still circling his head like tiny cosmic paparazzi. "Wait! That doesn't count! I slipped! On a banana! How is that even legal?! Is there a martial arts rule book I can appeal to?!"
Nabiki raised an eyebrow, her megaphone's voice dripping with smug amusement while pocketing another wad of yen. "Still counts. Rules are rules, Ranma."
Ukyo approached, her grin triumphant. "Looks like you're mine now, Ran-chan."
Ranma's face turned red. "This is insane!"
The sixth challenger: Shampoo's hair-raising challenge
Before Ranma could process his loss, or indeed the metaphysical implications of being defeated by a discarded banana, Shampoo leapt into the ring with the grace of a gazelle who'd taken ballet lessons. Her long purple hair flowed behind her like it had its own wind machine, possibly its own agent.
She held a basket of shampoo bottles in one hand and a comb in the other.
"Nihao, Ranma!" she said cheerfully. "Now Shampoo fight you! Shampoo win, you marry
Shampoo! And have best hair ever!"
Ranma groaned. "Shampoo, not you too!"
"Yes, Shampoo too!" she said, grinning. "Shampoo win with hair fight!"
Nabiki, always quick to seize an opportunity, grabbed her megaphone. "A shampoo battle? That's
right, folks! It's time for the Hair Care Showdown of the Cent
ury!"
Ranma barely had time to react before Shampoo hurled a bottle at him. He dodged the first one but
stepped on another, sending him sliding across the ring like a hockey puck. He crashed into a pile of
foam bottles, and the crowd roared with laughter.
Before Ranma could even formulate a coherent protest, Shampoo launched her next attack. It wasn't just a bottle toss; it was a tactical shampoo strike. A giant, economy-sized bottle of "Voluminous Violet Vanilla" whizzed past his ear.
He ducked, only to step on a strategically placed travel-sized "Tropical Tangerine Tingle" bottle. His feet, now slick with a citrusy sheen, performed an involuntary ballet of flailing limbs.
He crashed into a pile of foam bottles, and the crowd roared with laughter that suggested they'd all simultaneously discovered the true meaning of joy.
Before Ranma could even formulate a coherent protest, or indeed question when exactly his life had devolved into a cosmic slapstick routine, Shampoo launched her next attack. It wasn't just a bottle toss; it was a tactical shampoo strike. A giant, economy-sized bottle of "Voluminous Violet Vanilla" He ducked, only to step on a strategically placed travel-sized "Tropical Tangerine Tingle" bottle.
He slammed into a mountain of foam bottles, each one exploding in a cloud of fragrant, frothy chaos that suggested the ring was now hosting both a martial arts tournament and an aggressively enthusiastic bubble bath, unfortunately, ending once, again outside of the ring.
Shampoo, meanwhile, was doing a victory jig, her purple hair bouncing with perfectly conditioned vitality. "Shampoo win!" she declared, clapping her hands.
Ranma, now covered in bubbles, sat up, sputtering. "I slipped again! This isn't fair!"
"Two brides down," Nabiki said, stifling a laugh. "Keep it up, Ranma. "Keep it up, Ranma. You're making me a lot of money. I might name my first yacht after you—'SS Saotome's Suffering' "
The seventh challenger: Kodachi's Gymnastic Chaos
Before Ranma could even catch his breath, a maniacal laugh echoed across the ring. The crowd parted like the Red Sea as Kodachi Kuno somersaulted into view, her ribbon trailing behind her like it was auditioning for a starring role in a superhero movie.
"Ohhohohoho! My darling Ranma, it is I, your Black Rose!" she cried, striking an overly dramatic pose. "I shall prove that we are destined to be together! For I am not just a gymnast, but a warrior of love!"
Ranma immediately dropped his head into his hands. "Not you too…"
Kodachi gave an exaggerated twirl and leapt onto a pommel horse that somehow appeared out of nowhere. "Come, Ranma! Let us duel in the sacred art of rhythmic gymnastics!"
Ranma's eye twitched. "This has to be a joke…" He sighed and jumped onto the pommel horse, hoping to end this madness quickly. "Fine! I'll knock you off, and then—"
Before he could finish, the pommel horse wobbled under his weight. Ranma flailed, desperately trying to keep his balance, but it was too late. Kodachi, smiling like a deranged circus performer, executed a flawless twirling kick that sent him flying through the air like a human missile.
He crashed to the ground outside the ring with a dramatic thud.
"And the winner is… Kodachi Kuno!" Nabiki's voice rang out, barely able to contain her laughter. She held up a stack of yen. "That's three brides for Ranma!"
Ranma groaned, sitting up, his hair a mess and his pride shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. His entire body ached. "This can't be happening…"
Kodachi, meanwhile, was busy admiring her ribbon's perfect swirl, completely oblivious to Ranma's suffering. "Oh, Ranma! You'll see—our love is fated, and nothing can stop it!"
Nabiki leaned back, her smirk widening as she surveyed the chaos unfolding. "Well, well, Ranma. Who knew you'd end up with multiple brides? Don't worry, though, I'm sure every one of them will be thrilled to share you... for a fee"
Ranma could only glare at the heavens. "I didn't ask for any of this!"
As the crowd roared, the three brides surrounded Ranma, each pulling on one of his arms.
"Ran-chan, you promised!" Ukyo said, tugging him toward her.
"Shampoo wife now!" Shampoo declared, pulling his other arm.
"Ohhohohoho! Ranma darling, we shall live happily ever after!" Kodachi cackled, wrapping her
ribbon around his waist.
Ranma, caught in the middle, screamed, "I can't marry all three of you! This is crazy!"
Before Ranma could continue, Soun Tendo burst into the arena, clutching his robe tightly around him. His face was pale, and tears streamed down his cheeks as he pointed a trembling finger at Ranma.
"Ranma!" Soun wailed. "How could you betray the sacred oath of the Tendo and Saotome
families?!"
Ranma blinked. "What are you talking about?!"
Soun dropped to his knees, sobbing. "Three wives! How could you let this happen?!
The dojo's future is ruined!"
Ranma groaned, rubbing his temples. "It's just a space continuum glitch okay?"
Just then, Genma-panda waddled onto the scene, looming over the ring with the subtle grace of a refrigerator on roller skates. The crowd gasped as the panda leapt onto the platform with surprising agility for something that resembled a sentient beanbag chair, holding a sign that read: "WHAT DID I MISS? IS THERE FOOD?"
The panda made a show of dramatically stretching its legs, as though readying itself for a duel, then raised its sign high above its head like a championship belt at the world's most confusing wrestling match.
The crowd went wild, chanting, "PANDA! PANDA! PANDA!" like it was the newest trend in martial arts combat, or possibly a very niche boy band making its debut.
Ranma peeked out from between his fingers, took one look at the ribbon-adorned panda, and fainted with a loud THUD that suggested his consciousness had just officially submitted its resignation.
Soun appeared out of nowhere, wailing as usual, and clutching his chest. "A panda wants to marry Ranma! We're doomed!"
Kasumi also appeared in the middle of the ring balancing a cup of tea, ever calm, tilting her head. "Oh my. That's not very common, is it?"
Akane threw up her hands. "I'm going to bed. You're all insane."
Ranma's eyes shot open, and for a brief, disorienting moment, he felt like he was being yanked from the very fabric of his world. His head spun, and everything around him blurred.
"Are you done yet?" Washu's voice sounded more than a little amused. "That little time pocket was just getting ridiculous. I had to nudge you back into reality."
Colors swirled around him like water down a drain. The screaming crowds, the challengers, Nabiki's triumphant counting of money—all of it collapsed into a pinpoint of light before vanishing completely.
"What—what just happened?" Ranma gasped, finding himself suddenly back at the Tendo training ground with Akane staring at him in confusion.
"You were talking about finding Ryoga, then you just... froze," Akane said, waving a hand in front of his face. "For like, a full minute. Are you okay?"
Ranma shook his head, trying to clear the disorientation. The memory of multiple challenges—Ukyo, Shampoo, Kodachi, even a panda—all felt real, yet impossibly distant, like a dream fading upon waking.
"I think..." he began, rubbing his temples, "I think I just experienced some kind of time glitch. Like everything that could've happened all tried to happen at once." He looked up at the sky accusingly. "Washu!"
Washu materialized again, lounging mid-air as if gravity was merely a suggestion.
"Oh please," she said talking to his mind, rolling her eyes. "As if I'd let you use cosmic power for your petty revenge schemes." She flicked a piece of invisible lint from her shoulder. "Believe it or not, Saotome, godhood isn't about settling scores with your rivals."
Ranma crossed his arms defensively. "Hey! He deserves it! The guy's been tryin' to kill me for years!"
Washu leaned forward, suddenly serious. "Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once—it's not up to you to plan your petty revenges. Even gods have rules." She tapped her temple knowingly. "Besides, karma has a way of handling these things on its own. Far more creative than anything you could cook up."
Ranma opened his mouth to argue, then closed it, mulling over her words.
"Fine," he muttered. "But what am I supposed to do with these powers then?"
Washu grinned, her good humor returning. "Something constructive, like you said! Build something. Fix something. Create something that lasts." She waved her hand dismissively. "Just try not to break reality again in the process."
With that, she vanished, leaving behind only the faint echo of her laughter.
Akane frowned. "And what whas THAT about? And what happened to your plan for dealing with Ryoga?"
Ranma shuddered. "Trust me, you don't wanna know. But I think I've had enough of messin' with people's lives for one day."
And with that,he straightened up, his expression resolute "OK. Let's focus on something constructive instead."