"Kittredge, I need you to trace a call." Kittredge wants to ask, but Ethan's already staring at him expectantly, we don't have time for questions is what it says, so he goes along. "Okay, sure. I just need th-" Ethan's already past that. "Thirty seconds, I know."

Benji joins them, eyeing Luther with a silent exclamation before focusing again. Ethan's staring at the burner phone like he can melt it with lasers if he tries hard enough. No one says anything though. It's not like Ethan's going to stop and answer questions right now. But Luther still tries to say something, stopping himself as Ethan pushes the one contact on the phone. Benji grabs the computer, trying to keep up. There's a look in Ethan's eyes that one doesn't see too often.

Benji starts the timer as the call starts. "Where are they?" Ethan's furious of course, but this is not the way to go. As usual, Gabriel doesn't answer him directly. "Is Eric alive?" Ethan doesn't acknowledge the comment. "Where the Hell are they?!"

"Answer my question first, and I'll answer yours." Ethan's fuming now. "No, no. I'm not playing your games anymore-" Because that's all they are, stupid games met to shred him to pieces. If he doesn't play them, HE can't win, can he? "You think I'm playing games, Ethan?"

Ethan's surprised at the change in tone. It's a lot more serious now. "I am not playing games." That's a lie. But the worst part is, that Ethan has no other options but to go along with HIS 'games'. "Eric's alive. What do you want from me?"

"You know exactly what I want." HE wants me. Ethan breathes in deeply again, "Okay, fine. Now tell me where they are." It isn't a question this time.

There's another pause and Ethan can't take it. He knows he's got to stay focused, but it's really hard to stay focused when a sadistic psychopath killer has just kidnapped your family. No shit.

"They're all here, Ethan." They-No, they not-prove it- "You're lying." Ethan can see the eye roll. "I I Why would I lie, hm? If you really believe I'm lying, I can prove to you that they're here if you want. Do you want-"

"No. I don't need that." He knows, HE doesn't lie. HE senses Ethan's mounting panic, he's good at that, and quickly says, "Relax, my friend. They're all fine, they're here. Julia, Chloe, and Adam. They aren't hurt at all….And I don't plan on hurting them at all. As long as you get here, they'll be okay. If not, well…..You can probably guess. But can promise you one thing, I won't kill them. Not until you're here to watch-" Relax? Relax?! You son of a b-Ethan's the one to hang up this time.

————————————

Benji and Luther can see the fear in their friend's eyes: "Julia's gonna be fine, Ethan. We'll get there in time." Ethan's voice is just a murmur: "You don't know that for sure." Ethan's beginning to feel a sense of hopelessness wash over him. He doesn't want to think about his wife dying, or losing his own life. He wants to make things right again, he wants everything to go back to the way it was.

But what if it couldn't? What if everything was already doomed? He's got to shake these thoughts out of his head, he has to keep a positive mindset, if he doesn't, then he'll lose himself in this moment of stress and anxiety.

Ethan forces himself to clear his head. He takes a deep breath and tries his best to fight off the fear and worry that had hit him.

"You're right. We'll get there in time." He sounds as though he's trying to convince himself, more than others. He just can't get the thought of losing everything out of his head.

"We need to hurry though. He isn't going to wait around for too much longer." He feels his stomach churning up, as a sense of desperation begins rising within him. Benji gets to work on the computer codes while Ethan and Luther sit in silence, waiting. Luther clears his throat,

"Ethan…" Ethan shakes his head, he can't talk about this, not right now, "Luther, I…" Luther cuts him off, "Ethan you need to talk about this, about Gabriel and what's going through your head right now."

Ethan knows he is right, but he really doesn't want to talk about it. For a brief second, he feels his head starting to spin again, all these thoughts and worries going through his mind, he's about to break. "I'm not-" Ethan pauses. He can't fight it anymore, he has to talk. Luther is absolutely right. "I'm scared."

His voice is soft and he looks away from his friend, ashamed to admit it. Luther rests his hand on Ethan's shoulder, "I know, we all are.." Ethan isn't one to speak about his feelings, so admitting that to his friend is a big thing for him. He's always the 'cool' guy or so he thought of himself that way. Now, it feels like he's being confronted about every single thing that's wrong with him. He can never tell his friends what he's really feeling, and now his secret's out in the open, he can't go back. He feels weak, he feels ashamed. He forces himself to speak, "…W-What if… I-" he swallows, "-What if he…. I can't…. I don't know if…Luther what if we don't make it in time?"

"Don't talk like that," Luther says, his voice is stern. "We will make it there in time. We have to. We can't let anything happen…to you, to your wife or the kids." He speaks his words as if they were a gospel as if there's absolutely no way they can fail. They have to succeed. They have to find HIM and save their friends and family.

Or the alternative would be too unbearable to think of. "How can you be sure, I mean, how do you know that it's just his way of making sure he gets what he wants…" Ethan shakes his head, "No, you don't know HIM, I do. HE'S not bluffing. HE was never bluffing…" You don't understand. You can't understand. You weren't there, you don't know HIM, you don't know anything at all.

"Ethan, you never explained how you knew Gabriel…" Ethan stays quiet for a moment, trying to suppress the shudder and failing miserably. The name in itself makes Ethan feel that feeling all over again, the one he can't find the words to describe. He hates it. HE isn't here, there's nothing besides the sound of HIS name that triggers Ethan. It shouldn't but it does. Hell, even physically he reacts perhaps in pure instinct to the name alone.

He's tense, he feels that cold numbness again, he stiffens, straightening up, his mind goes completely blank, and his throat feels like it's rapidly shrinking, not only telling him to keep his mouth shut, but physically forcing him to as hears Gabriel's subtle yet stern warning as HE wraps his arm around Ethan's shoulders giving a tight grin, "Everyone needs a friendly reminder." Ethan remembers the way he'd subtly but apparently noticeably flinched only for Gabriel to make fleeting eye contact that Ethan immediately understood, Watch yourself more carefully.

How do you know him? That was a question no one's ever asked him, that is the big secret that HE knew. And now, he's beginning to think he should just come clean. He has to tell them. After all, why lie to his friends? No more keeping secrets, no more hiding things. He knows he can't do that anymore. "I…I have a connection to him." Ethan explains, sounding nervous and scared to say those words out loud. It's the first time he's said them.

Luther nods for Ethan to continue. Ethan takes a deep breath before saying, "He…killed someone, a friend of mine…her name was Marie…" He sees those chilling images of her body flash through Ethan's head like wildfire. He remembers his exact thoughts in that moment, Was it really necessary? This was wrong….right?

There it is again, that fucking feeling he can't describe as he sees HIS chillingly cold, apathetic eyes looking straight through him like an open book. THAT stare. It was unbelievably, almost impossibly terrifying, and it still lingers every now and then, only now it's irritatingly clear. Ethan would still call him an old friend, out of context of course. That really scares him…..Ethan's beginning to feel more and more vulnerable, this is the first time he's really opening up about his past. He's never admitted to anyone that he'd been traumatized by Marie's death, he's always thought of himself as the big bad hero, the one who couldn't be broken.

Now, he feels weaker than he's ever felt before, and maybe, in some messed up way, HE is to thank for that. He takes a deep breath and presses on…"Her death…" his voice falters. Luther speaks, "Wait, Ethan, why didn't you tell us this before, about Marie's murder…" Ethan sighs, "You had enough to worry about," Ethan says. That's not entirely a lie, but more a lie than a truth. He really didn't want to them, especially with everything going on lately. But it's more about burying that part of his life than anything else, though he'd rather not admit that. The logical conclusion Ethan settled on was that he thought HE was dead, and the only other person who knew who he was, like actually knew, to an extent, was Kittredge, and that was just because despite his annoyance with Ethan's, as he said "going rogue on missions", Kittredge was the first person Ethan trusted at the time because unlike everyone else, Kittredge believed him without question or asking for something from him because he knew that Ethan had no reason to lie, and he was right.

Ethan had no other options and didn't think anyone would actually believe him anyway, he told Kittredge everything, from start to finish, it wasn't like he had anything left to lose at the time anyway so Ethan didn't really care. But he does now, and unless it's necessary, like now, he doesn't plan on saying anything more about it to his team. "We had enough to worry about?" Luther asked, sounding surprised but not angry. Benji looks confused as well, he's just as surprised as Luther. Ethan looks down at the floor for a moment, it's difficult to explain. "I…I just…it hurt too much…"

He finally admits sounding ashamed for keeping it to himself for so long. "I didn't want you to worry even more. And honestly, I never wanted to think about that whole situation ever again."

Benji and Luther give Ethan an understanding look. Ethan gives them a small grateful smile, he appreciates the way they're looking at him. His friends truly love and support him through it all. He is grateful, though it hurts to even say that. He still feels weak, he doesn't want to admit to those things. "I…I just never wanted you to see me differently, if that makes sense. I didn't want you to think that I wasn't strong enough anymore." Ethan explains, having not told anyone about that period in his life. He's never even told Julia.

"Just because you're human doesn't mean you're weak," Luther says as if it's a fact, not an opinion. Ethan feels himself getting slightly emotional as he hears those words. To him, they are the biggest and most profound words he's ever heard. No one's ever said that to him before. No one's ever understood that aspect of himself. He feels…weak, as he said before, but for the first time, he feels ok about it.

Any other time the idea of showing any weakness terrifies him, especially in front of HIM. He feels that he's not being weak, he's just being human. He finally meets Luther's gaze, "Thank you, Luther…" Just because you're human doesn't mean you're weak. Ethan's never really considered that before. Weakness and humanity have always felt synonymous in his mind. It's like HE had said, In this line of work you have to learn to compartmentalize. The idea that vulnerability isn't a flaw, but rather a part of him he's been rejecting, was unsettling.

For so long, he's built walls around himself—walls of steel, reinforced by years of loss, betrayal, and guilt. Now, standing here with Luther and Benji, those walls are cracking. And for the first time, he's not rushing to seal them up.

Benji, who's been unusually quiet, finally speaks, "Ethan… if Gabriel killed Marie… if he's the reason you've been carrying this weight all these years, why didn't you ever tell us? We would've—" You would have what? Tried to protect him, tried to put themselves between him and Gabriel? No, it would just repeat the cycle: show care for someone or someone shows care for him, and HE will always take it away in the most painful way possible. He can't see that again. Ethan cuts himself off, shaking his head, "You would've worried. You would've treated me differently. Looked at me like I was… broken." His voice was hoarse. "I couldn't let that happen."

Because It makes me weak. He doesn't say it out loud but he believes it, he's reminded of that belief every time HIS words echo like a montero, WEAK. Luther exhales sharply, "Ethan, we're your friends. Your family. You are broken—we all are—but that doesn't mean we wouldn't fight for you. You didn't have to carry this alone." Alone. That's how he had lived for so long. Even with Julia, even with his team, his ghosts have always been his own.

Ethan clenches his fists as if trying to physically hold himself together, "Marie was the first person I ever lost like that. I thought I could save her. I thought if I'd been faster, if I'd seen the signs sooner, maybe she wouldn't have died." He knows that's not and was true of course. HE had said as much: You have to accept the fact you can't save everyone, no matter how good or bad they might be. Yes, it's tragic, but it is necessary. You need to understand that, Ethan. He still doesn't, can't accept that.

Luther's voice is gentle, "And you think the same thing now. That if you don't move fast enough if you don't find Gabriel in time… Julia will be next." The words hit like a punch to the gut. That's it. That's the fear clawing at his insides, making it hard to breathe, and hard to think.

This isn't just about Julia being in danger. Not just about the kids. It's about Marie all over again. The cycle is already starting to repeat, again. A shudder passes through him. "It's not the same," Ethan murmurs, but he's not sure who he's trying to convince. "No," Luther agrees. "But I know you. You're already blaming yourself, and you haven't even lost her." Benji hesitates before adding, "We still have time, Ethan. And this time, you're not alone." Ethan feels something in him loosen, just a little. The weight doesn't disappear, but it shifts-became something he wasn't carrying entirely on his own.

—————————

Kittredge rings the doorbell. This is a bad idea. It's too late to turn back now though as the door opens. There's a kid looking at him curiously, but sadly as well. "Is your dad here?" The kid keeps staring and it's weirding Kittredge out a little. But the kid does answer eventually. "I don't think he wants to talk to you right now."

"It's important." The kid just crosses his arms, leans against the door frame, and glares. Stubborn. Kittredge sighs, he doesn't know much about how to handle kids, but he's picked up some ideas here or there, so he mirrors the kid's stance and narrows his. Tilting his head, the kid asks, "Why are you here?"

"To talk to your dad about work." It's the best not really a lie answer he can think of. The kid rights himself again, but now he seems sad again. "It's about my mom, isn't it?" Shit. He doesn't have an answer for that. But apparently, he doesn't need one as the kid relents and steps aside, "Dad, there's someone here who wants to talk to you!"

"Who is it?" The kid throws Kittredge a sideways glance and leaves the two of them to talk. "Will-" Will steps outside and closes the door. "Don't waste your time, I'm not interested." Yeah, no kidding. "I know that. But this is-" Will interrupts again, having none of it. "Important? I don't care." Kittredge quickly interjects, "Just-just listen fo-" Will's getting more irritated, shaking his head, "Yeah, because I don't have anything else to deal with right now…." This isn't working. "Will, I'm sorry-"

"How sorry?!" Kittredge falters. "What? I….." He doesn't know what answer Will wants. "Yeah, you sound really sorry, I appreciate it." Screw it! He doesn't have time for negotiations. "It's about Julia…." Will's reaction is instantaneous, he stops mid-word and blinks as if the wind's been knocked out of him. "What?"

"Ethan went to check on them, but they were all gone, besides Eric-" Will still doesn't let him finish a sentence. It's very annoying. "Wh-Is he okay? Is he-" Kittredge raises his hands in a surrendering gesture before he goes on. "Yes, he-he's okay. He was shot in the shoulder, but he'll be fine…..but uhm," He sighs, trying to get a grip, "Julia and…..and the kids were…." Will gets the message. "Are they hurt? I mean, they ar-"

"Yes. As far as we know, they're all fine." Will thinks a bit. "It's Gabriel, isn't it?" Kittredge sighs in acknowledgment. Will seems to be transitioning into 'agent mode' now as he states, "He wants something. What does he want?"

"That's not completely certain but I know he wants Ethan to find him, alone. He said if he's going to kill Julia or the kids, then he wants Ethan to be there in person to see it." Will winces, clearly disturbed. Will hangs his head, taking a deep breath as he doesn't say anything at first. "I….I want to help, I do. But I can't just leave the kids again." Kittredge does understand that because, of course, Will's not going to leave his children alone with everything else going on. "I get that, but I have a safe house-"

"No, it's not…..That's not what I mean. I mean, the last time I left them I promised them we'd both come back. But we didn't, and when I got back….the first thing they asked-was…..where's Mon…." His voice cuts off as he says the last part. "…..I don't want them to have to deal with losing their Dad too, I can't. I can't do that again. I'm sorry, but I can't have that conversation again…." Kittredge isn't used to this. He's not used to the weight in his chest. He's never really felt this kind of sadness before, not really. He has, however, felt angry, furious even, but this is a new kind of anger that's alien to him, and he's not sure what it is. Then again he never expected to say what he says next. "Yeah, you're right. Family's always first, and you deserve yours, Will. I am really sorry about Jane. But I'm not going to say I get how you're feeling because I don't know. I do know that I am sorry, and that saying that isn't going to make any of this easier, as much as I wish it would. You did everything you could, and that's all anyone can ask for. You and your family deserve peace and happiness. You do whatever you need to do to get that…..Thanks for listening, Will."