Author Notes:
I started writing this story soon after watching season one of XO Kitty. It's been a labour of love over the last eighteen plus months. It will not be everyone's cup of tea, but I hope you will enjoy the alternate season two I created long before season two came out.
This story does contain a number of 'coming out' scenes which were written mostly because I would have loved to see how Kitty came out to her family. Ordinarily, I wouldn't write so many in one story, but this is fanfiction, so I hope you can forgive me for the amount it happens.
Please note: this is *not* a Kitty/Min Ho fic. I tagged their relationship for a reason, but this story will not provide you with that happy ending. If you're looking for the Kitty/Yuri I've tagged, bear with the first few chapters, we'll get there!
Content warnings:
Major themes - depression, anxiety, relationship issues (family/friends/romantic), pregnancy
Regular themes - suicidal ideation, grief/death, alcohol use, sexuality crisis
Minor themes - bereavement, suicide bereavement, drug use, parental neglect, sex, minor violence
Chapter One: I love you a little bit...or a lot
When the clock struck midnight, Kitty looped her arms around Yuri's neck and leaned in, lips touched lips. Music filled the room; their moms' favourite song - their song. The world melted away into the perfect kiss. The perfect moment. Every single thing had fallen into place. Kitty pulled back. Yuri smiled, her whole face lit up, her freckles visible in the dull light. Kitty's heart raced, her skin burned, she cupped her cheek and kissed her again.
Kitty opened her eyes. The bus window steamed up on the inside, while raindrops splattered the out.
She regretted going to Korea. Or at least she did when her fractured thoughts swirled around like a carousel at warped speed dreaming up scenarios that wouldn't happen. She skipped the rest of the song and leaned against the bus window; condensation soaked a patch of her hair.
The engine hummed. The chassis rattled with every bump in the road, moving against her head. She could hear a child crying over her music, the occasional break gave her hope for the peace she craved, only to be dashed time and time again. A woman sung 'The Wheels On The Bus', shushing the toddler every few words. Her nursery rhyme merged with lyrics about heartbreak and depression. Behind Kitty, someone else was listening to music, their headphones barely contained the sound. She rubbed her left temple.
The last time she'd ridden the bus was in the summer. Before Korea.
The monitor on the back of the driver's cab flashed up 'The next stop is Baker Street'.
She glanced out of the opposite window. The city streets rolled by as the bus slowed to a stop. She vaguely recognised the Chinese takeout on the corner. She was nearly there.
Another few minutes and she would see Min Ho for the first time since they parted ways at LAX at the start of winter break. Excepting the video chats and text messages they'd sent back and forth for the last few weeks. She picked at a small mark on the edge of her sweater, her leg shook in time with the rattling of the engine.
The woman pushed her stroller off the bus, the toddler balanced on her hip. A sense of relief set in. Kitty closed her eyes and leaned back against the window. Two more stops. She tapped her fingers against her thigh. Two more stops until she faced Min Ho.
"I think I fell in love with you, a little bit…or a lot."
The airline announcement came at the perfect time. If only to give Kitty a moment to collect her thoughts. She'd only just ended things with Dae. She'd barely even come to terms with crushing on – and being rejected by – Yuri. What was happening?
She strapped her seatbelt around her middle and pulled it tight. She opened her mouth, but words escaped her.
"I don't expect you to say anything right away," Min Ho said, touching her arm on the rest between them. She stared down at his fingers on her wrist. "Think about what I said."
Her phone buzzed. The plane started to move. She glanced at the message.
'Sorry, I didn't expect to see you. Maybe we can talk when you get home?' - Yuri
"You need to turn that off," Min Ho said. Kitty switched the phone to airplane mode and sat back.
All she could do was think. For eleven hours. How could Min Ho be in love with her? They were barely even friends. He hated her, or at least, he acted like he hated her. For weeks. The feeling was almost certainly mutual. Until Chuseok when she finally saw through his frosty exterior. But love? She knew love. She thought she knew love. Yuri had changed everything.
Sitting beside Min Ho, knowing he was waiting for her to respond, was unbearable.
When they finally parted ways after their flight landed at LAX, Kitty could finally take a full, deep breath. Except when she did, all she could think about was Yuri.
The bus didn't move. A faint scent of urine reached her nostrils. A man sat down beside her. His dark brown jacket had seen better days. It had a large rip in the shoulder, a yellow substance was smeared across the lapel closest to Kitty. His pants were darker around the crotch. She glanced up as he smiled at her, barely a tooth left in his mouth. She smiled back, a crease between her brows.
"Sir, you need to get off." The driver was out of his cab and headed towards them. Kitty sunk against the window. "You can't just get on without paying."
"I need a ride," he mumbled.
"You've got to pay to ride this bus, Sir." He folded his arms over his crisp white shirt. He stood up tall, commanding the authority of his position. "If you don't get off, I'll be forced to call the cops."
The man beside her grunted, he coughed so hard his chest rattled. Kitty winced. "I'm only going four stops! You need to let me."
"I don't need to nuthin'. If I let you stay, it's my pay being docked. Off!"
"No!" the man shouted. He gripped the handle of the seat in front. His dirty jacket brushed against Kitty's arm as he stood. She leaned against the window. He waved his arms around so fast she expected his hand to hit her, but it stretched out above her head. "This is the United States of America! I have rights. I know my rights. You can't kick me off the bus."
"Sir, pipe down. This bus is private property. You don't have a right to ride the bus."
Kitty slouched down. Her heart thumped like the marching bass drum at Homecoming, stealing any chance of silence. The scent of urine overwhelmed her. She closed her eyes again, fighting against the threat of tears.
Min Ho would probably laugh when she told him. If she told him. If she even met him. What was she saying? He'd travelled all the way from LA for the weekend, just to visit her. She couldn't turn around now. The doors were still open. If it wasn't for the man sat beside her, she'd have made a run for it.
He loved her. He was in love with her. How had she let that happen? Why had she said yes to meeting him?
She thought of her bed. The warm, cosy sheets she'd been wrapped up in barely an hour before. It took her forty minutes after her alarm went off to peal herself away from her cocoon. She regretted it every second since.
The music behind her slipped away, lost behind the wall of drums.
"I'll pay for him," a short, Korean man said, from his seat at the front of the bus. He held out a five-dollar bill. The driver narrowed his eyes at the dirty, smelly man, and returned to his cab, the note in hand.
Kitty's heart only slowed when she was off the bus a couple of minutes later.
xxx
The first floor of the hotel building was made of white stone, every floor going up as far as Kitty could see was covered in red bricks. The doorway had an historic marker, signifying the year it was built as 1897. Kitty checked maps on her phone, cross referencing it with the location Min Ho had asked her to meet him. The Grand Portland was not entirely unfamiliar, but Kitty had not once been inside. If anyone came to visit from out of town, the cost was outside of their budget. She checked the address again before walking up the white stone steps. A crack of thunder led to raindrops. Kitty escaped inside before the heavens opened. Inside the lobby stretched up two floors, marble columns sat beneath an ornate balcony on the second floor. The lobby was filled with a tour group attempting to check their bags despite being hours early. Each person was dripping in what looked like expensive jewellery and designer threads. Every man wore a suit, and every woman the kind of dress Kitty only ever saw at prom, just more elegant. Her yellow sweater, ripped jeans and Vans felt way too casual. Once their bags had been taken away by a harassed looking bell hop, the tour guide directed the group into the ultra sleek bar.
"Kitty!" Min Ho pulled her straight into his arms. She hadn't even seen him arrive, her attention still with the group. He held her at arms length, his lips pursed. She tried to smile but she hadn't expected seeing Min Ho to feel so…wrong. "I've missed you."
"Missed you too," she said, falling into step beside him. She had missed him, in the same way she missed everyone and everything about Korea, about K.I.S.S. The impossibility of separating Min Ho from the rest was the only reason he was grinning at her like a Cheshire Cat. They walked towards the elevators. "Where are we going?"
"I thought we could go upstairs." He placed a hand on the back of his head. "I do not want to get my hair wet."
She wasn't sure she wanted to go upstairs. Why was that even a suggestion? Kitty's words caught in her throat; her breath joined them.
"I've loved chatting with you," Min Ho said, rolling onto his back and holding his cell up above his head. Kitty looked away. Why was he shirtless? Why was he showing her he was shirtless? "Have you loved chatting with me too?"
"Yes." Why had she said that? It was the truth. He made her laugh. He was the friend she needed when everything else had fallen away. "I like spending time with you."
"Do you have an answer?"
She propped her cell against the lamp on her side table and sat on the edge of the bed. Her eyes were cut off in the camera. How could she answer his question honestly without making everything worse?
"No. I don't have an answer." She'd been on the fence for weeks. Not because she wanted to be with him. His declaration of love was one she couldn't quite process. But what happened if she said she didn't want to be with him?
"Oh." She hated the break in his voice, the look of sheer disappointment spread across his entire face. She did care about him. Hurting him was the last thing she wanted to do. "Maybe if I came to Portland…"
"Maybe."
"Spending time together might help." His smile grew again, an expectation in his words that only conflicted with every thought Kitty had. She smiled back, weakly. "I could come next weekend."
He gripped her fingers and pulled her inside the elevator right before the doors closed. She stared at his hand, still wrapped around her own. How were they holding hands? She tried to let go but he held on tightly. She was far too aware of the sweat that covered her palm. Min Ho didn't seem to mind.
"Do you want a cola?" he asked, once they'd shut the door behind them. He kicked his shoes to the side and headed across the room.
When Kitty imagined a hotel room, she expected a King or Queen bed, a desk with coffee pot, and a chair in the corner. She didn't expect a whole suite. She tiptoed forward; her shoes abandoned by the door. The bedroom was off to one side, larger than some hotel rooms she'd stayed in. In the main room was a couch, a large television on the wall, and a kitchenette. She took the cola and cradled it in her hands, anything to stop her fingers from shaking.
It was the kind of hotel room Kitty imagined Yuri in on a gap year travelling round Europe, Daddy's credit card funding the entire vacation. She stared at the bed, imagined Yuri waking up after a late night DJing in some fancy bar in Italy. Her face still picture perfect and her hair barely tousled. Juliana lifted her head off the pillow next to her, shattering Kitty's daydream.
"Come, sit," Min Ho said, slicing through the final image of Yuri in her mind. He patted the couch beside him. She perched on the edge. She'd never seen a room so fancy, let alone spent time in one. She held her arms across her bare midriff and stared straight ahead. "Are you okay?"
"Fine." The answer was like clockwork. If anyone asked how she was, it came out before she could even think of what the real answer would be. She wasn't sure she even knew anymore. "Does your mom always let you stay in a suite?"
"Yeah. Usually we get the two bedroom when we travel together. When I told her I was visiting my girlfriend she made sure to get me the best one bedroom. We've never been to this hotel before, but she knows the owner."
"Girlfriend?"
"Relax," he said, poking her in the shoulder. "She knows you're not my girlfriend. But after today maybe you will be."
He'd been doing it for weeks. Prodding her. No matter what they talked about, he said something to remind her that he was waiting for an answer. She knew she was keeping him hanging, but the indecision was paralysing. She shuffled further back on the couch. Her throat closed over. She gripped the seat cushion, her fingernails dug into the fabric.
"She wants to meet you. But she's still in LA. I said maybe we can video chat before I go home tomorrow."
"Maybe."
Or maybe she would tell him the truth. The only person she could think about being with was Yuri. She didn't want to meet his mom. She didn't want to be his girlfriend. All she wanted was to go back to Korea, and hope something might finally happen with the girl she couldn't stop thinking about, even weeks later. Instead, she sat at his side pretending that they made any sense.
The pressure dropped when Min Ho ordered room service. They sat together at a small table and ate the most expensive burgers and fries Kitty had ever seen – they tasted good, but not that good, even Min Ho agreed. He made her laugh. The one thing that had helped every time she thought about the implosion of her entire life.
"Mom wants me to do another commercial. She thinks I have the face for modelling. She's trying to set me up with a Korean-American brand. I said yes because it would mean free products."
"Of course you did." Kitty laughed. "When will you do that?"
"They have a shoot in February. I'd have to take a leave of absence from school. But it would mean I could come back for a visit."
Min Ho's smile was so large it was infectious. She leaned across the table and pinched his cheek. "What nickname will you get this time?"
He rolled his eyes. She couldn't help but laugh harder.
"Let's sit," he said, pulling her by the hand back over to the couch. She fell against him. Her heart raced. She froze as he leaned in. When his lips brushed hers, she closed her eyes. His lips were soft. The strength of his cologne overpowered her senses, reminding her of Dae. Had he bought him a bottle? He smelled so good. The longer he kissed her, the more she responded. Was this what it was like at a party where you got drunk and made out with someone you weren't entirely sure you had feelings for?
"That was everything I dreamed it would be," Min Ho whispered against her mouth. His bottom lip was half tucked under his teeth when he pulled further back. His eyes were brighter than she'd seen them in weeks. How could making someone that happy feel so good, yet so bad at the same time? It was too early to leave. He'd flown all that way.
He wrapped an arm around her back. She sat upright, her shoulders tensed, while his fingers trailed across the gap between her sweater and jeans. Yuri had once done that, accidentally. A bolt of electricity travelled up and down her spine, not stopping until it reached the ends of her fingers and toes. How could he be making her feel the way Yuri had?
They binge watched six episodes of a new comedy and laughed until Kitty's chest ached. Somewhere after the first few minutes, she'd sat back, barely registering that she was leaning against his shoulder, yet painfully aware of the physical contact.
"I should go home soon," Kitty said, finally untangling herself from the arm that had slipped across her front.
"Must you? I'm gonna be here all night, alone. Surely you can stay until curfew?"
The city had already gone dark outside. Her curfew wasn't until eleven but the thought of staying there with him alone, in a hotel, at night, in the dark, was too much. It wasn't like she hadn't broken rules before, or done things she probably shouldn't have done. But this felt different.
"Come on Kitty, I'm only here until tomorrow afternoon." He kissed her then, his lips crashed down against hers, pulling her out of herself. She leaned against him as their mouths did all of the work.
"Eight."
"Nine."
"Eight!"
"Eight thirty?"
"Fine. Eight thirty."
It didn't feel fine until he kissed her once more and Yuri flooded her mind. Was Min Ho's sex dream about her just like hers about Yuri? If she closed her eyes tightly enough, she could almost imagine his lips were hers. She opened her eyes. What was she doing?
He moaned against her lips. She didn't hate kissing him. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the moment. She let his hands wander across her back. The darkness outside had seeped into the room. The television had gone on standby. She pulled out of their kiss, breathless.
"It's getting late."
"It's just dark," he said, slipping down onto his back. She lay against him. "I know you probably don't want to talk about K.I.S.S. but I go back next week. We can video call every day. I know it won't be the same, I'm gonna miss you."
She missed Korea. Mostly she missed the people. It had barely been a week since she'd said goodbye to Dae in the airport. She hadn't heard from him since. It didn't surprise her. She'd broken his heart. He may have taken it on the chin when they were stood opposite each other, but she knew him better than that.
She regretted everything.
Not least Yuri. Her little speech in the airport was humiliating when she realised that she had been there for Juliana, not her. The half a dozen phone calls and texts since had left her confused.
'When is a good time to call?'
'Just wondering if you got my last message'
'I miss you. I want to talk'
'Maybe you don't. I'm sorry'
'I guess I'll give up. You know where I am if you want to reach out'
She resisted the urge to call her each and every time. The pull of her heart only made it harder. What did she feel for Yuri? Love? Lust? Friendship she'd warped into something more? The more distance between them, the harder it was to grasp the before. The reason she'd ended her hard fought for happiness with Dae.
"I'll miss you too." She didn't know why she said it. It wasn't true. If they video called every day, they'd have the same relationship they'd had until that morning, and it was enough for her. She didn't need this, she didn't need to be in the same room as him, she didn't need to be…when had they become horizontal?
"Will you be okay without me for a while?" She'd been fine without him up until now, but she couldn't tell him that.
"Less talking," she said, a lump formed in the back of her throat. She lowered herself down to him. She captured his lips as she tugged him on top.
He kissed her again, taking away any words she was about to say. She closed her eyes and shut off her thoughts, succumbing to the softness of his lips. She ignored the thump of her heart, and the fact she was sandwiched between the couch and Min Ho's body.
The way he moved his hands was different from her kisses with Dae, or the imagined kisses with Yuri. His fingers brushed against her chest. What was happening? His lips moved from her mouth, trailed across her chin and down the side of her neck. She opened her mouth, but the words disappeared into her breath, lodged uncomfortably in her throat.
"Is this okay?" She mumbled incoherently. His fingers expertly travelled across her hips, over the fabric of her clothing. She'd been there before with Dae, the edge of something and nothing. Min Ho's lips tickled the bare skin of her stomach. "Tell me if you want me to stop."
Her heart thumped against her rib cage. Was this what it felt like when you took things further with a boy? When he unbuttoned her pants, she jumped, but Min Ho hadn't noticed.
"I…" she gasped. The world around her melted away. Dae filled her mind, the way they made out together on the couch in their dorm room, silent wondering about what would happen if they did something more. But never taking that step. Her dream of Yuri, kissing her in the classroom, pushing her up against a wall. Taking her sleepy mind to places she'd tried not to let it go.
Min Ho's voice cut through the noise in her brain. What was she doing? She pushed his hand away, thankful it was still on the outside of her pants. She scurried into a seated position. He stared at her, at least it looked like he did, but somehow the darkness had increased.
"It's okay." Min Ho reached out to her.
"No! It's not." She stumbled over the edge of the couch. She pushed him away. She wrapped her arms tightly around her front. Her heart stuck in her throat. She climbed off the couch and fastened the button of her pants back up. "I am not going to have sex with you!"
"Whoa. Okay." He stood up, his hands out as though she were the police coming to arrest him. "I didn't think we were gonna…"
"You were expecting something," she shouted, every breath coming thick and fast.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his hand touched her wrist. "Did I hurt you?"
"No. You didn't hurt me." She stepped back again, colliding with a small table. Something crash landed. She searched for the direction she knew the door was in. A light came on, illuminating the room.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, I thought you wanted this. We can go back to just kissing."
"No, we can't." She shook her head back and forth until her vision blurred. "We can't, Min Ho."
"But you kissed me."
"I shouldn't have." She looked into his eyes and searched for the pain she knew was coming. It was time. Whatever doubts she'd had before dissipated leaving behind a desperation to get away. How had she let it go on for so long? Why had she let herself be swayed by a loss she couldn't control? He felt safe, until he didn't, and now she'd lost her only connection with Korea. "I don't love you, Min Ho. I should never have kissed you."
Kitty sprinted towards the door. Min Ho stopped her in her tracks. He held her hands between them. His eyes were filled with sadness. This was all her fault. "What are you talking about? You like me enough to kiss me but that's it?"
"I'm sorry. I thought I wanted this. But I don't. We can't be together."
xxx
Raindrops fell off the end of Kitty's nose and landed on her already soaked jeans. The rain had barely let up since she left the hotel. She hesitated for only a moment in the lobby before realising if she stayed, Min Ho could follow. How could she face him after what she'd done? The metal bus stop bench was so cold it made her bright red fingers hurt. She tugged her jacket tightly across her front. Her tshirt slowly soaked up the rain from her jacket. The only part of her that wasn't soaked through was the bottom of her underwear. But the cold of the bench made it feel just as wet.
The bus stop was illuminated by a small lamp a foot away, but Kitty could barely see anything beyond it. If she hadn't agreed to see Min Ho then none of this would have happened. If she hadn't got out of bed that morning, she wouldn't be chilled to the bone, her tears disguised by the weather. If she hadn't accepted the first video call, maybe he would have got the message, and she could have nipped this in the bud weeks ago.
Car headlights lit up her spot on the bench. She sat a little taller, hopeful, but the car slowed a few metres down the road and someone climbed out.
She hunched forward again and closed her eyes. The look of sheer heartbreak on Min Ho's face filled her mind. She tried to shake it off but it only merged into the same look on Dae's face when she told him about Yuri. She'd always been told that honesty was important by everyone in her life from grandparents to sisters. But maybe they were wrong. Every time she tried to be honest, to speak her mind, and make sure her voice was heard, it backfired.
Even Yuri. Telling her the truth had been one of the hardest things she'd had to do. She'd gone in all guns blazing, hope in her heart, only to have it smashed into pieces. The fact she'd done the same to two people she really cared about made honesty sit bitterly in her mouth.
The longer she sat, the more she shook. She considered standing up and pacing back and forth but she wasn't sure she could move. She tried to get her cell out of her pocket, but her fingers were like hot dogs, and she fumbled around for a couple of minutes until her cell tumbled onto the floor. She bent down to pick it up. It shook in her hand as she tried to press the call button. The screen was damp with water droplets, making any attempt futile.
A second set of headlights appeared. The car slowed in front of her. When she saw Trina's face on the other side of the window, fresh tears merged with the rain. Her cold fingers struggled to open the door. After a couple of attempts, Trina leaned over, and Kitty was able to slide into the seat.
"What are you doing out in the rain?" Trina asked. Kitty tried to shrug but her shoulders wouldn't stop shaking. "Was there nowhere inside you could have waited? Where is your friend?"
"I…he…I want to go home," she chattered, her jaw ached from the cold.
Trina leaned into the footwell of the back seat and pulled out a blanket. "Here, take off your jacket and pop this on. I'll crank the heat."
They moved off through the city streets. Kitty peeled her sopping wet jacket off her back and dropped it at her feet. She pulled the blanket around her shoulders. A warmth spread over her back. She leaned against the heated seat and silently thanked Trina for having a modern car.
"Are you gonna tell me what you were doing alone at a bus stop at this time of night?" Trina asked, taking her eyes off the road for just long enough to glance at Kitty.
Kitty didn't think 'I was in a hotel room with a boy until he tried to feel me up so I left' would go down too well, so she stared out of the window and said nothing. She wiped the blanket across her face, only for more droplets of rain to fall from her hair merging with the tears that coated her cheeks.
"Your dad's home," Trina said, pulling up in the driveway. When Kitty went out that morning, he'd been on his way to work. "Do I need to tell him he has something to worry about?"
"No!" Kitty looked at her for the first time since being picked up. She tried to speak clearly but the break in her voice betrayed her. "I'm fine."
Neither of them moved. They sat in silence. But the way Trina kept looking at her was enough to know she didn't believe her. Kitty had stopped believing it herself.
Inside the house, Kitty discarded the blanket on the floor before her dad could see. She pulled off her squelching shoes. He would know eventually. She'd tried to play the Trina card before, but she'd never once promised to keep something serious from her dad.
Kitty knew how it looked.
"Thanks, Tri," Daniel said, kissing her on the lips before coming to a stop in front of Kitty. He tilted his head to the side. "You been out for a walk?"
"The bus didn't come." She brushed her damp hair back behind her ears and stared at the floor.
"Did you have a nice time with the boy you're seeing?" The boy she was seeing? Kitty clenched her jaw. "What's his name again?"
"I'm not seeing him," Kitty snapped, rubbing her arms. She missed the warmth of the blanket. "Why would you think I was seeing him?"
"I dunno," he said, sticking his hands into his pockets. "You don't exactly talk much about your love life these days. But you mentioned him a few times. He's from Korea, right?"
"Yes, he's from Korea." She scoffed. "Why are you assuming that because I meet up with a boy it's romantic? What sort of heteronormative bullshit is that?"
Daniel folded his arms, his temple pulsed. "I would appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that."
"Yeah, well I'd appreciate it if you didn't assume I'm dating someone just because he's a boy," Kitty shouted, running straight up the stairs.
xxx
Kitty sat at the bus stop, alone, soaked to the bone. She shivered; her teeth chattered as she stared out across the street. The cloudless sky was bright blue. Min Ho stood on the opposite side of the road, his hand on the back of his perfectly dry hair. He smiled the way he had when she kissed him.
Everything went dark. A flash of lightning illuminated the street. Min Ho was stood in front of her, inches from her face, his body bathed in a harsh red light.
He snarled. "You ruined everything."
The sky lit up in blue and sunshine again. Min Ho had vanished. Kitty's hands shook in her soaking wet lap, as though someone had thrown a fresh bucket of water over her just seconds before.
Across the street was Dae. His intoxicating smile spread across his face. It had been weeks since she's seen him. She lifted her hand in greeting, but the street went black.
Another flash of lightning and Dae was inches from her face. Every sweet, gentle feature contorted as he spat out his words. "You broke my heart. I hate you for what you did."
Before she could respond, her shaken body was bathed in bright white lights. The clouds in the sky parted, making way for a warm, hot sun. Her whole body grew colder, damper, as though she'd been splashed by a car driving past.
Yuri stood on the opposite side of the street. Kitty's heart leaped into her throat. She stood up.
"Yuri!" she stepped out into the street, but a bus came, blocking sight of her. She tried to move around it, but a crowd alighted, and she couldn't get through.
When the bus pulled off again, Yuri was still there, her hand in the air but her eyes looked behind Kitty. She rushed across the street; her arms open wide. She reached for Yuri, only for her to push past her and into the arms of Juliana.
"What about me?" Kitty stepped back.
Ending a kiss with Juliana, Yuri turned to Kitty. A crash of thunder followed a darkened sky. Yuri spat out her words as her face twisted.
"Why did you ever think I would be into you? You're straight. It was all in your head. You ruined everything with Dae for nothing, and now you've broken Min Ho's heart too. You should never have come to Korea. We don't want you here."
The world faded to black.
She opened her eyes and stared at the plastic stars on her ceiling. She struggled to catch her breath as Yuri's voice echoed in her head. "We don't want you here."
The longer she stared at the four blurry glowing blobs, the more she wondered why they were still there. The fifth point of the Cassiopeia constellation had vanished the previous year making the other four redundant.
She closed her eyes and willed her body to relax, her mind to settle and for sleep to return. But the longer she lay there, the more her mind woke, and her thoughts ticked over. Whenever she couldn't sleep before moving to Korea, she'd texted Dae. She couldn't do that anymore. She could, but then what? Would he think she wanted to get back together? Would she just lead him on? Would they be able to recover a friendship in the ashes of their love? A love that for a time had meant the world to her.
She took her cell off the side table and opened Google 'what to do when you can't sleep'. She groaned. The first entry said 'exercise'.
As if the mere thought of exercise had signalled from afar, a message from Q popped up on the screen.
'I don't know if you're upset with me or, you're avoiding me, but I wish you'd text me back. It's been weeks. What happened? xo Q'
Kitty closed her eyes. A tear strolled down her cheek. She brushed it away. She shut off her phone screen and placed it on the table. It had been weeks. Kitty hated that every time a message came in, she read it then put her phone down. The only person who could possibly understand what she was going through was reaching out and all Kitty could do was leave him on read.
She abandoned sleep as the first sign of light peered through the gap in the curtains. She changed into a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve tshirt. By the front door, she laced up the running shoes she only ever wore in Phys Ed. Out on the front step, she was grateful the clouds had parted making way for blue sky and winter sun. She lifted her leg up behind her, folding it in half, her foot against her butt as she stretched out her muscles. At least she hoped that was what it would do. She'd seen Q do it every morning and had never thought to ask.
"Okay Kitty, you can do this," she said. She placed her yellow headphones over her ears, pressed play on a running playlist she found online, and crouched down on the front path, her hands on the floor, one leg out behind her and and the other bent like the runners at the Olympics. "Three, two, one."
She pushed off with her legs and ran to the end of the path, stopping suddenly. She rushed back into the house, grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and ran back to the starting point. Her heart was already thumping so fast Kitty considered giving up.
"And go!" she shouted, setting off at a pace she wasn't entirely comfortable with. She slowed slightly, jogging along the sidewalk on her street. When the sidewalk curved, she followed it, crossing at the next intersection she found herself at the entrance of a nearby park.
She stopped. Her hand on her thumping heart as she tried to catch her breath. She squirted water into her mouth and swallowed before running off through the park. The trees sheltered her from the early morning sun, bringing a chill she hadn't felt under its rays.
The song changed. Everybody Wants To Rule The World. Kitty froze. She should have made her own list. All she could see was Yuri's face, her freckles lit up by the glow of the lights in the club. Her smile wide as she played her set. Dream Yuri's words infiltrated her brain. "Why did you ever think I would be into you? You're straight. It was all in your head."
The more time that passed the more Kitty wondered if Dream Yuri was right. It wasn't the first time she'd questioned what happened in Korea. Was she really into girls or was her stressed out brain playing tricks on her? But then she remembered the drum of her heart when Yuri was nearby, the catch of her breath in her throat. Was that all in her head too or had she genuinely felt something for her?
Despite Yuri's best efforts, Kitty had not answered her cell when she'd called.
She stopped again, resting her hands against a picnic table. She downed half the bottle of water, then regretted it. She tried to focus on her breath, but it accompanied a sharp stabbing pain in her side. After a couple of minutes, she set off again.
No matter how far, or how fast, she ran, or how loudly she played her music, her mind wouldn't quiet. If being bi or pan was all in her head, was that why her dad had asked about Min Ho? Had she even told him what she thought she remembered telling him? Had she told Dae? She remembered telling Dae. She could see clearly in her mind's eye the shattered look on his face when she explained she had feelings for Yuri. Feelings that wouldn't go away, even weeks later. At least she thought she still had feelings for her. But Yuri wasn't interested, that much had been clear at the airport, and that much was clear now she hadn't been in touch since Christmas. She thought they'd had a moment, multiple moments, but that feeling she felt when Yuri was teaching her the fan dance…maybe it wasn't what she thought. Did Yuri ever give her any signals, or did she make them all up?
Her feet pounded the sidewalk. She was going too fast. She knew she was going too fast, but the way her breath stuck in the back of her throat felt more real than anything running through her mind. If it was all in her head, then why did she end her relationship with Dae? Did she crash and burn her relationship because she was scared it would fall apart again? She'd been so happy when he kissed her – finally – she basked in the happiness. They were meant to be. She thought they were meant to be. What if it was just childish hubris? She was a child when they met, children who knew nothing about real love. For a matchmaker, she had so little experience, she wondered how she'd ever got that far.
She raced herself to the front door of the house, gasping for air as she slouched onto the bench beside the door.
She turned off the music. Another message from Q appeared on the screen.
'I don't know why I bother. You've not replied to any of my messages since you left'
She clicked on the message box and started typing.
'Hey Q, I went for a run today. You proud?' she hovered her finger over the send button.
Another message flashed up. 'Guess you're ghosting me. I can see you've read my messages'
She deleted the message and headed inside the house.
Daniel looked up from the dining table, where he and Trina were eating breakfast. Kitty crossed the room and smiled.
"Got any spare?" She sunk into a seat beside her dad. "I'm starving."
"For you Kitten, always." He pushed a plate of pancakes closer. She piled two onto her plate and covered them with maple syrup. The first bite was like heaven in a mouthful. She swallowed. Daniel and Trina were staring at her. She frowned. "Have you been outside? Wearing that?"
Trina spread butter across a slice of toast. "You look sweaty, have you been exercising?
"Yeah, went for a run," she said, taking another bite.
Daniel narrowed his eyes. He glanced at Trina then back at Kitty. "I'm sorry, who are you and what have you done with my daughter?"
She rolled her eyes. "It was just a run. No big deal."
"No big deal?" He shook his head. "Don't take this the wrong way but you Song Covey girls aren't exactly made for running."
"Thought I'd give it a try. Pass the butter?" Trina pushed it forward, silently chewing on the corner of her toast. "These pancakes are really good."
"Is this some sort of New Year's resolution you're starting early?"
"Kinda."
She smothered a slice of butter across the pancake, watching it melt into the maple syrup. Kitty cut into it and ate in silence. Trina and Daniel talked about a movie they watched the night before. Kitty zoned out until Daniel was staring at her.
"Sorry, what?"
"I had to look up what heteronormative means. I…"
Where was this going? She pushed her chair back, cutting Daniel off. Was it really heteronormative when her crush on Yuri had been all in her head? She shovelled the last bite into her mouth, chewed quickly and swallowed. It stuck in the back of her throat, but the uncomfortable feeling was still more comfortable than the conversation she felt was coming. "I'm done. I'm tired after my run."
"Uh, okay…" Daniel said. "Trina and I are heading out in an hour, you wanna come?"
"No, thanks."
xxx
She floated on a cloud. Her heart as light as a feather inside her chest. Her fingertips drifted up into the sky pulling her upwards. She bathed in a warm, yellow light, filling her up with the most glorious joy she'd ever felt. It was endless.
The sky went black. Darkness surrounded her until she couldn't even see her hand in front of her face.
The bubble burst and she dropped, falling down, down, down, spiralling into the unknown until she landed with a thump.
She looked up. Yuri stood above her. The clock struck twelve and everyone cheered. Kitty reached out, tried to say her name, but she couldn't reach her. Yuri was wrapped up in Juliana's arms, their mouths pressed together.
Her buzzing cell phone pulled her back to reality. To the floor beside her bed where she lay in a tangle of sheets. Her heart thumped against her rib cage.
She grasped at her cell on the side table and pulled it down, squinting her eyes as she tried to make sense of the message.
'Happy New Year, Kitten. Hope you're having a great party with your friends. Love you, Dad xo' - 12:02am
She unwrapped the sheet from around her leg and climbed back into bed. A tear strolled down her cheek as she pulled the bedsheets back up to her neck and closed her eyes.