Playing a role was never a strong suit of mine; I never understood acting. You would think that after all of my lives, I would have tried it once, but I have always gone with the flow. That's why my relationship with my sweet darling older brother was so intriguing. "So Tommy, eh?"

"You seem like a Tommy."

"Joshua, just because I swing both ways does not mean I am 'one of the guys'."

"Hey, I am just saying, if it quacks like a duck, swims like a duck..."

I sighed at the attempt, Josh was probably the only person who was like something was not right about this girl, well... More than usual. "You only used that idiom because we are on a lake right now," in our swimsuits, in the middle of nowhere, alone, sitting on my brother's lap, sharing an inflatable donut. No comment.

"Do you believe in fate?"

"Huh? I probably should." I spoke leaning into him while staring up at the stars. You would think I would have opinions after the whole seeing-through time gag, but I am pretty sure I am a random carbon-based lifeform in a sea of random carbon-based lifeforms on this floating rock we call home, then again Josh is the only one who believes in insight. "Regardless, don't you think that it's lazy to just use our last name for this?"

"Are you ever going to say anything?" He asked, knowing damn well that I will not be telling anyone but him.

"You know I can't Josh... And I will give you one more guess." I spoke as he tried to guess a name I went by in the past.

I could feel him shrug underneath me as he looked at the same starry night sky. "Aurora..."

I lightly head-butted his chin in protest, if I had ever had parents that would go with that name I would probably protest my next couple of lives just at the sheer stupidity, I mean Aurora for a boy? It's like they would want me to get bullied . "What kind of name is that for a boy?"

"Rory is a good name for a boy."

"Hey, wait a minute..." That's not what he said. "That's cheating, and you're pretty close. No more nicknames...new rule."

I could hear the smugness as he chuckled. He had me with that one, despite the fact that the actual name was far off, the attempt was close. "Oh really now, pray tell, can I get a hint?"

Feeling my eyes roll I traced Polaris with my finger. "People used to call me Roy, or RJ for short..." If anything it was nice having someone think that I am not a raging loonie for once. "But you are not going to guess the full name though."

"Can I at least get a hint?"

"Like us, two first names."

Josh grumbled, sometimes coming off as the older sibling. It had always been just the two of us even after our little brothers were born, age differences work like that I guess. "Come on sis, that doesn't narrow it down any."

"Well, how about this. I'm hot... And you're cold... You are going around like you know... Who I am... But you don't... You've got me on my toes..."

I giggled when Josh shivered like he had some PTSD to work out. I did not think that my melodic tones were that bad. "Oh god, how old are you?"

"Ancient... Now guess before I start thinking up punishments for you."

"Before I guess... Are you one of the brothers?"

"No relation."

"So the last name is Jonas then?"

"Bingo..."

Joshua seemed to tense up, he was the only one that I told anything to after all. I am sure that this is all unfair to him, his partner in crime was going to be taken away after all. I need him when I'm gone even now when we would sneak off by ourselves on a summer's night a couple of weeks before, you know. He needs to be there for everyone, dad is going to experience the worst of it and the boys are not going to fully understand, so he needs to be there for Mom and Sara, I made him promise. "So it's finally time, isn't it."

"Joshua..."

"What older brother would I be if I left this alone... It's not fair Clarke..."

"Joshua Allen Thomas." I could feel both of us cringing at the total mom move. "You know if I could stop I would, but... Death is not always painful, sometimes you don't get a chance to even know what happened, it just ends one day. I know this is hard but I told you for a reason."

I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close. "I wish we could meet somewhere out there... Someday." He spoke, resting his chin on the crook of my neck.

"Don't worry..." I promised. We will.

(...)

Passing me a towel, good old Joshua looked me up and down. On our final brother/sister adventure Josh had taken me somewhere close to where an old life existed on the last couple of days of our families summer vacation, me showing him a neat secluded hang out spot. Anyway, he was looking me up and down in a frilly bikini, giving me the 'you should cover up' eyes. "You know there is going to come a time when I do get a boyfriend you know." I spoke dismissively, putting shorts on and the hoodie he keeps in his mustang the woody area just sporting it and us.

"Yeah, but that's not going to be my problem, but right now you are my little sister." He said every goddamn time I approached the subject.

"You know there is a special place in hell for people like you." I said visibly seeing the confusion in the tall brunette's face, like religion was off limits for a person like me. "What?" I questioned his raised eyebrow.

"You…" He paused, probably trying not to offend his baby sister. "I would have believed you if you had not promised me that we will meet again. Ok, scale one to ten."

"You know how people were…"

"One to ten…"

"Fine…" I sighed, trying not to give the game away about my actual age. "I am a bit rusty but… Omnia de te amo. si numerus meus es, semper ante vacuitas."

"Huh?"

I smiled when I saw that he was dumbfounded. "Latin, it was required to read the good word as they would say." I replied, getting an even more confused look. "Uh uh, that's enough of my history for today."

"Well shoot, but you are going to have to teach me one of these languages one day."

"Wanna make a deal." I propositioned, giving the good old puppy eyes, always a hit with Josh.

The nineteen-year-old grabbed a drink from a water cooler from the trunk of his car, passing me its keys. "What do you want?" He asked me with his voice drained of all emotion.

"Dinner and a movie…"

"I can't make any promises, dating your best friend's brother is kinda weird sis."

"At least try with that girl."

"Fine but you owe me before you leave."

"You need god."

"So it was eleven then."

(...)

'The fault doesn't lie with you, it lies with me. Whether we are in the trash or sitting on a throne, I will never treat you any differently. You are a hero whose name means that you can do anything, my hero… You are going to end my never ending void to save me and I can't even thank you. I will see you again but we won't remember each other. That's the truth to the lie I told you.'

I know that I don't believe in the concept of fate and up to now I have made my own, but come on everything has its limits. "Josh, I am not telling you how I died."

It was something that I wanted to keep to myself, RJ, the person Clarke was born from, my impulsive side went through a lot, we all do. In this sparse hotel room, eating breakfast for two on our last adventure you could say that him asking all of this near that place was a letdown. "Come on, sis. Just one hint." He was desperate to save Clarke Thomas.

"Finding out how Roy died is not going to help you," I said almost as a warning. Why was this happening again? I made peace with everything that my existence has to offer. I was happy. Clarke was the closest I got to the real me, and Kazue was going to be something more. I bit my lip at the thought. Why would I want anything more?

"You don't know that..." He was on the verge of a breakdown, grip tight on a bowl of flakes. "There has to be something we could... A pattern or something?"

I have always died young, but I was never going to tell him that. "Death doesn't need a reason. It will come for all the same." The only thing that bothers me is that Kazue never shows signs of insight, and she calls herself Infinite when I believe the opposite to be true. "I am not fighting it, Josh." No one person ever wins, everything has a beginning and an end, and I hope it's not the heat death of my universe.

"There has to be something we are missing?"

There is nothing, not even a burden of loss, and I don't know how I will tell him that. How could I have been stupid? I am just repeating my first mistake. I hope he can handle what comes next, but first I wonder how he would react to her. A slow even breath is all I need to draw her out. "Fine, I will tell you one consistent thing. But you have to promise me that no matter what comes, no matter who I become next you will always look me in the eye when I come for you." My tone was stern, my voice, my truest self.

I think he noticed the change, and like I asked him he did not look away. He in all of his wisdom smiled at me, he saw a chance to save Clarke, but that's not how this will all end. I can not see past Kazue but I can see past Clarke, there is an end to all of this and it's not the nameless princess I am now, and it's not Clarke. "I am Finite..."

"What?"

"I am a being without end, but yet death always cuts me down. Meaning in a sense if it means that there's an edge to my existence, it's a defined end that I am not allowed to see." Like why Kazue doesn't have insight.

I could see him getting excited, and sometimes I feel as if Josh is too smart for his own good. "So you are saying that there's something that you are not allowed to see and if you find it before your end in this life then you can stay?"

"It's just a theory of mine, it holds no weight." This harsh coldness I carry, I hate her. I was never for letting my feelings show before so now that I can express them this self-importance feels strange, like I have no power all over again.

"But that doesn't mean it's untrue."

"Or is it Joshua..." My Polaris, I hate being her like this. Her very emptiness does not feel anything, even with all of my memories. I reach out to him from across the table caressing his cheek trying to get any feeling back. "I think that you are overcomplicating all of this."

He grabbed my hand and removed it from his face, a serious expression on it. Of course, he was the one to understand me after all, he was feeling uncomfortable with all of this and he has not stopped it. In a way I am proud, I don't have to worry about leaving him behind, Maybe, maybe that is why I want to trust him, my Joshua. "Or maybe you haven't seen all of the angles yet, maybe you are incomplete and we are here to complete you?"

Have I never thought about that before? No, I have. That won't work. I can never complete myself, that's not what it means to be all that will exist. "Maybe so, but that's a long shot."

"It may be, but it is all we have."

"It's not all we have, it's what you are..." I pause, what am I thinking? We are not so simple, everything has its place. "It's what we cling to." I finished, holding onto his hand. "I am willing to see the edge, to see if my theory is true if you are."

"Do you even have to ask?"

(...)

'My fight. My love. Our bond. I am willing to accept it all if it means that I can see the edge of it all. Once I had my eyes closed in fear but now I am the requiem of our infinite.'