TOBIAS POV

I curse my luck as the initiates get off the train and drop the borrowed equipment on the corresponding tables. I can't even look her in the face; on one hand I'm still furious, not so much about the fact that she disappeared, shit, we had that considered from the start. With a group as big as this year's, it was to be expected that someone would get lost for a few minutes or not find the meeting point. No, I'm furious because I didn't expect the very idea that she was missing to put me over the edge. Thousands of scenarios crossed my mind in those seconds, finding her and at the same time fearing the conditions in which I did was the only thing I could think of. On the other hand I feel disgust towards myself, nothing, NOTHING, justifies a violent reaction on my part. One of the traits I still retain from my old faction is no physical contact, in fact, it's something I'm grateful for because I don't like to touch or be touched, but up until now, until before I fucked up, all the rare and few moments I had dared to touch her had been unlike anything else I had ever felt.

Fucking hell Tobias, I thought I had it under control, that imminent instinct that was inherited to me from Marcus for violence, that power to hurt others... in a matter of days I've lost control twice, first with Peter and now with her. I don't even deserve to remember what I felt when her hand touched my face, I don't deserve the feeling of calm that came over me with her touch. Nor do I deserve to be told the truth about what she was doing on patrol. I know it was more than a trip to the bathroom, but I also know she doesn't trust me, and I don't blame her. I feel myself slowly sinking deeper into the void of self-loathing, I am desperate.

"Ladies" Uriah's cheerful voice wakes me from my reverie. Uriah and Zeke approach the doors where all the initiates enter the complex. Uriah has a huge smile on his face and Zeke just watches him carefully. He has to because after last night, he is the only one who knows that his brother and I share a common interest.

Uriah wraps his arms around Tris and Layla's shoulders and my stomach shrinks two sizes. Zeke walks straight towards me, I don't know what exactly the look on my face is but Zeke can read me in a second and discreetly gestures to reassure me. Uriah talks to them quietly and I can't hear anything they say except some giggles and my heart beats a little fast when I notice Tris's shoulders tense at Uriah's touch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Zeke says to me studying my face.

"Not exactly" he just nods.

"Hey! You two are coming right?" Uriah asks Zeke and me. Yet another reminder that today is the wrong day for me to shut myself away.

"You think mom would let her favorite son miss a family meal?" replies Zeke with a laugh.

"I know, god forbid Mom miss seeing Four" Uriah says sarcastically.

"I was talking about me you dick" Zeke gives him the finger, Layla laughs but Tris looks everywhere except to where I am. I sigh internally because I can't even begin to imagine what could be going through her mind, will she be afraid of me now? Stop it Tobias, now's not the time...

"Ok, if that helps you sleep, go ahead. See you guys in a bit, now I'm going to take these ladies out for a snack and then they have to get ready to go to mom's" Uriah says looking intensely at Tris, there are so many feelings running through me right now that I can't identify them.

"Really?" Tris asks sheepishly.

"Of course, mom would kill all three of us if we dared show up at her house without you" Of course Hana wants to meet Tris, surely Uriah has been telling her about her non-stop. Uriah starts to lead them away but Tris stops him and unclasps his arm, she walks back to where I'm still standing.

"Mmm Four? I was just wondering if today, hmm, if today we would have time to go over some things about training..." from the corner of my eye I watch as Zeke tries to camouflage a smile. Tris on the other hand bites her lower lip again, damn why does she always have to do that? As much as I wanted to say yes to her just so I could secure some time with her alone, maybe apologize for my behavior earlier today won't be possible.

"No, today won't be possible. We have a hmmm activity planned for the initiates, it's kind of a surprise so don't go around telling others."

"Oh ok" if I wasn't so confused I might think she is disappointed. "Well, see you in a bit I guess..." she turns around and walks back to Uriah and Layla; Uriah puts his arms around her shoulders again but now only her and they start walking towards the compound. As much as seeing them together makes me overcome with utter sadness I can't help but think that if she had to choose someone in this faction it would be better if it was him. Even though he's a bit of a goofball, I'm left in no doubt that he's a good person, shit, one of the best people I know. Of course I can't even begin to compete with him.

"Training?" Zeke asks me with a raised eyebrow.

"Ugh, just shut up please" I need to be alone for a few moments "I'm going to my apartment to change, I'll see you later at Hana's?"

"Sure man" Zeke starts walking away still laughing.

It's still a few hours before my appointment with Hana but I've always liked to get there early to see her and help her with whatever she needs. As I knock on her door that's the excuse I give myself, although in reality this time the loneliness of my house was too unbearable.

"Four, you're early as usual" Hana greets me with a huge smile on her face. Without a second thought I accept the hug she offers me as she lets me into her home. I never knew what a home really meant until I met the Pedrad family, rather until the Pedrad family adopted me as one of their own. From my earliest days as a member of this faction they became my only family and it has been that way ever since. When I started living alone and still having trouble adjusting to my new life, Hana helped me cement a sense of belonging, offered me not only a place to go when I felt lonely, but also a shoulder to cry on, a space to express myself and a I could call it that, adoptive mother.

"Do you need help cooking?" I tell her as I place my jacket on the couch, she just laughs.

"Never, but you know well I would never refuse to cook with you" at first I started helping her prepare food every time she invited us over because it seemed like the least I could do to return the favor, then it became a habit and the reason she always says I am her favorite child because her other two don't do anything less they have to be forced. The truth is that I have never refused to help her with anything and no longer out of obligation, but because I really enjoy spending time with her, she makes me feel part of her family and makes up for the fact that I could never do these types of activities with my real mother because one cannot do them when one is abandoned without compassion.

We spend time chopping and seasoning without the need to fill the silence, this is something I love about Hana, she never forces me to share or open up unless I want to, and the truth is I almost always want to. We talk a bit about initiation without getting too deep into any bitter topics. Sharing is so pleasant that I don't register the passage of time until a knock on the door tells us it's time for the appointment and the others will begin to arrive.

Hana always enjoys feeding us all, so meals are rarely small in number. This time is no exception, the table is set to seat our entire group of friends and then some. Christina, Will and Shauna are the first to arrive and quickly help with anything Hana needs. Slowly the house fills with noise and laughter. Strategically I sit close to Hana and other places already occupied, even though I try not to look at the door so as not to lose any detail of when Tris arrives, the conversation distracts me and when I least expect it she is entering the house followed by Uriah.

"Mrs. Pedrad, it's nice to meet you. Thank you for inviting me to your home" Tris says blushing from all the attention her arrival drew. Hana gets up approaching her and hugs her no matter how uncomfortable the action makes her, no one here can even imagine how unused one is to being touched fortuitously when you are born in Abnegation.

"Nonsense, call me Hana. It's my pleasure to welcome you sweetie. Come sit down, we are ready to eat" Tris recovers quickly, Hana has that power to always make you feel welcome. For a split second our gazes meet and I have to remind myself to soften mine, today was a complicated day for both of us and the least I can do after behaving the way I did, is to make her feel good. I try to form a small smile for her, as she sits on the opposite side of the table.

Meals at Hana's house are always the same, teasing all around, noise and laughter fill the table. Occasionally Hana has to reprimand one of the brothers, almost always it is Uriah who acts as if he has never eaten. Fortunately everyone here knows that I'm not usually very expressive so none of them bother me about it. But to everyone's surprise, this time I try to be a little more open and participate more in the conversation. All my energy is put into not focusing too much on Tris but I'm easily distracted by hearing her laugh freely. I feel my cheeks blush on the two occasions when Hana has to repeat her question because I'm too distracted by her to pay attention.

"This was really delicious Hana, I swear you outdo yourself every time" Shauna says as she finishes her plate.

"Oh shh, it's not that big of a deal. Besides if we have anyone to thank it's Four, he made almost everything" I feel all eyes at the table on me as I try to pass my bite.

"You cook?" The question has a tone of disbelief but also admiration. Tris blushes because I don't think she had planned to voice it out loud.

"And it's pretty good if you ask me" Hana replies as she looks directly at me studying my answer. I can only nod and say a weak thank you. "Let me get dessert and coffee for everyone" she says getting up.

"So honey, Uriah says you're an ambassador for your faction and from what he's told us, a pretty fierce one so to speak" Tris blushes again at the attention.

"Yes, I guess you could say I'm somewhat passionate about my work."

"Passionate is an understatement Tris, but seriously you should see her at the assemblies. She's not as shy and quiet as she makes her out to be" Uriah says proudly.

"No, it's no big deal" she replies eight shades redder than before.

"Oh, sorry but it is" Will laughs.

"There's nothing wrong with expressing our ideas honey. I'm glad there are young people like you able to speak their minds and willing to put jerks to work in leadership" this gets laughs all around the table.

"And you're in leadership training right?" Hana continues.

"Yes" Tris replies dryly, again I can tell it's not something she's too excited about. "Mmm it's something my father wanted me to do and in a way it has helped me a bit as an ambassador" she says without elaborating further.

"But do you enjoy it?" Hana probes.

"There aren't many options in Abnegation, it's not exactly my dream job but it's more exciting than some of the other jobs available. I don't think the position will be available any time soon but it helps me stay active" I don't think so either, if there's only one thing Marcus wants, it's power. I don't see him leaving it alone to make room for Tris.

"And this thing you're doing here, how did you come to that?" I worry that the question will make Tris remember our encounter in the morning.

"Actually, hmm, one of my main focuses as an ambassador is the factionless. I mean, it's kind of Abnegation's job to take care of them, so I've been in contact with them since before my initiation. When I found out that working in the government I had the opportunity to do more for them than just handing out groceries and clothes, I didn't hesitate for a second to take it" everything about Tris' demeanor changes as she expresses this, it's like a switch is turned on inside her and suddenly she's no longer the shy and quiet girl, but the ambassador who makes the people in the government of this city shake and rage, I can see exactly what she means when she says she's a bit passionate.

"In recent years we have noticed an increase in people on the streets, and while Abnegation does all it can to help them, it is often not enough. Factions, including my own I'm sad to say, don't take this problem seriously. I don't think it's an excuse just because someone doesn't meet standards or guidelines that the punishment is having to survive on the streets" my gaze crosses Zeke's for a moment, Tris doesn't know it but she's not the only one here who has kept an eye on the factionless, nor the only one who cares about the increase. "I don't think a manifesto is reason enough to turn your gaze and forsake someone" absolutely all eyes are on her, absorbing every word that comes out of her mouth. Some nod and I'm simply speechless, not only is it amazing for me to get a taste of the ideas and motivations going through her head, but also amazing how dangerous this all is for her, I have no doubt now why Eric and Max don't want her here.

"It sounds personal," says Hana.

"It is, a little. As I said before, in Abnegation from a young age they ingrain in you to help others, for as long as I can remember I have accompanied my mother in her volunteer work. I've seen the factionless all my life but it wasn't until my own initiation that I had the conviction to do something else."

"What do you mean?"

" Hmm, as part of the initiation into my faction there is a period of time that we must spend in the factionless sector helping them in any way we can. It is a very hard job, many times we meet people who don't want to be helped either because they don't trust us or because they lost the will to wait for something good to happen to them. It is well known to all that during the weeks of initiation there is an increase in the streets, so we must be aware of this to help those who did not manage to integrate into their new factions, somehow we try to help so that their first days on the streets are not so difficult. One day while on my tour I met two young members of Dauntless who had arrived on the streets in those days. We have always known that initiation here is not easy" Tris laughs a little "but seeing the two of them confirmed it for me. Mmm one of them had had an accident, he needed healing but refused to accept help, after two days of trying in vain I gave up, in Abnegation we are taught to respect people's limits, if he didn't want to be treated we couldn't impose ourselves on him. On the third day while I was walking the streets the girl who was with him looked for me in desperation. The lack of healing had earned him an infection, the pain was such that he had no choice but to accept my help. As I helped them and as the days went by I was able to gain their trust and they told me their story. How he had been stabbed in the eye by the initiation ratings and how she had decided to accompany him to the streets once here they made it clear to them that because of his condition he would not be able to continue."

There is a squeal at the table and we all think of the same names.

"Oh my god, Edward and Myra" Christina says covering her mouth. "He, mmm is he ok?"

"Yes, the next few days I kept going back to see them and continue Edward's treatment. I learned from them a bit about what initiation meant here at Dauntless, how difficult it was but he was at a very dark time in his life, I guess seeing all your dreams shattered makes that happen, she on the other hand was just there for him. It was at that moment that I decided that I would be an ambassador, maybe somehow I could make sure that no one had to go through that again. Ha, I guess it's worth dreaming, isn't it? Time passed and all I knew was that Edward and Myra had broken up, each going their own way."

My palms are sweating out of control, Tris knows Myra and Myra is one of Evelyn's most trusted people, I wonder if….

"We remember them, they were at our initiation" says Will "the night Edward was stabbed everything changed. I think it was that moment that I realized personally what faction I had chosen."

"God, it was the worst weeks of my life. It was..." says Christina and is interrupted by Will "Brutal."

Tris turns to look at me and I notice in his gaze a hint of distrust and something accusatory. Shit, I remember it like it happened yesterday, I had only been an instructor for a year but it hadn't been as hard as it was until those moments. I feel the need to explain to her that nothing that happened was my fault, I can't stand her thinking that.

"That was the first year Eric started supervising the initiation" I begin to tell her "up until that point the initiation wasn't exactly a field of roses but it wasn't dangerous like what we know now. They implemented the cut off rule in the stages, that only made the atmosphere tense and everyone was on edge. At the end of the first stage Edward was number one. That caused some mmm envy so to speak."

"Is that what the stabbing was about, a number in a ranking?" Tris asks in disbelief.

"The stabbing was for cowardice" I tell her in a serious manner.

"What happened to the one who did it?"

"There was never enough proof" I tell her with regret, even after all this time I still carry that weight on my shoulders.

"But you knew who it had been" I feel in my stomach a knot, I can only nod to answer her.

"Peter" Uriah says coldly.

"Oh my god..." Tris' eyes widen like saucers surely remembering her encounter with him. "And now he's, he's..."

"Someone important" Will finishes for her.

"He was and still is a fucking cowardly creep" I tell her.

"I guess I wasn't so wrong to suggest this exercise of overseeing initiations, if someone like him is part of the government I'm no wonder everything that goes on in the streets..." Tris says slowly losing herself in thought.

"I'm sure you'll do so much good with this Tris" Hana tells her kindly and I can only pray that it does and that this doesn't end up putting her in danger at all. "And now, enough with the heaviness. Let's get the table up and I'll go wash the dishes" she starts to get up but Uriah interrupts her at the same time as Tris.

"Oh no please let me" she tells her grabbing some dishes.

"Of course not, you're a guest here!"

"Please, it's the least I can do."

"No way honey"

"Hana, please. It's what I have to do, it's what I was taught to do" she implores her and I don't know how anyone could deny her anything she asked for.

"Uriah, Ezekiel please learn something from her and Four too, you guys never help with anything in this place" Hana says giving up, her sons just laugh and start carrying the dishes to the kitchen. I am about to stand up to help the others but Hana stops me.

"Oh no son, please not you. you've done enough cooking don't do this crudeness to me."

"Hana" I sigh.

"How about a little smoke to please this old woman huh?" I just laugh loudly, smoking is not a habit I have but it's something Hana and I do when I know she wants to talk to me about something serious without interruptions so I walk her out to the balcony.

"She's a very interesting woman if I may say so. With too much fire to come from Abnegation on top of that" she says lighting her cigarette and helping me with mine "I'd be too impressed if I hadn't been fortunate enough to have met someone just like her before" she says staring at me, maybe many in this faction don't know or remember where I come from but with her I never keep secrets.

"Yes, we abnegates are full of surprises."

"I don't know about the abnegates but you guys...phew" she says laughing.

"She is, something..." I say sighing, not even registering what just came out of my mouth.

"That she is" she inhales a puff of her cigarette "Is that why you look at her so intently?" she asks me and I start coughing.

"Huh?"

"Or is it because you're in love with her?"

Fuck the cigarette and the air too, love? I'm past the point of denying I have feelings for her but I don't think I can name it love. I've seen it on rare occasions, I see it in Hana with her kids, with me and our friends; I've seen it with Zeke and Shauna, shit I saw it happen with them, I see it also with Will and Christina but outside of that I have no other examples. I thought I saw it with Uriah and Marlene but then they ended up hurting each other, how do I know then what it is?

"Hana, what do I know about love?" I tell her with a bit of defeat in my voice.

"Ha, love is not something you know son, love is something you feel" she says smiling at me tenderly.

"All the more reason" I tell her trying to sound nonchalant although in reality I feel the need to tell her everything, to detail every little brush we've shared and to open up to her to tell her every stupid thought that has ever crossed my mind regarding her.

"Oh, come on Four. It's me, you don't have to put up so many walls to protect yourself from me."

"What's the point, she's not here to stay..."

"What's the point? Do you think there's sense and logic in love? Oh son, sometimes I forget how young you are when you hide in that disguise of yours."

My only response is a grunt but I can't help but smile a little, Hana knows me so well.

"You've been here for four years, don't you think it's about time you allowed yourself a little happiness?" Hana's smile and gaze show tenderness but her tone of voice shows determination. Normally people close to me let me be who I am, but that hasn't stopped Hana from sometimes commenting on my zero interest in having any relationship or emotional attachment outside my social circle.

"Hana I don't know what you want me to tell you, this is all too confusing for me."

"Be honest, what are you feeling?" her gaze is penetrating and I feel somehow compelled to tell her the truth.

"I feel like four years ago I ran away from my home faction, trying to escape all the shit I lived there and now somehow life is laughing at me because my past came back to me in the form of the most awesome person I had ever met."

"Hey, hey no. You didn't run away from something, you went out looking for your place in the world and you found it. There's a big difference in that" she says taking me by the hand. "And something tells me that Tris isn't a punishment, it's quite the opposite."

"It is a punishment, it is the reminder of what I was and ceased to be the day I spilled my blood on the coal because when this is over, she will return to the place I never will" I feel in my throat all the built up emotions.

"Just because you feel afraid of the destination doesn't mean the journey isn't worth it."

I start to chuckle without encouragement "What does that mean?"

"It means it's time for you to grow a pair and realize that you are worthy of being happy, of being loved. It's time for you to stop hiding behind that tough guy image and stop drinking yourself unconscious just so you can have some affection" she tells me in a very serious voice and I swallow with difficulty.

"You know about that?" I tell her nervously, the encounters I've had while I've been drunk isn't exactly something I'd want to discuss with her.

"Everyone knows about that Four. Stop wasting your time with women who mean nothing to you, with women who don't even get you to register their names the next day. Dauntless is all about casualness, lack of commitment, adventure and excitement, but that's not who you are, your Abnegation roots run deeper than that, yours and hers. You are meant to have something deep, something with meaning, something so strong that it shakes even your deepest foundation. Do you know what that really means? It means that maybe she's worth it so that for the first time in four years Tobias will come back and Four will get some rest."

I swear my heart just stopped completely, I can count on the fingers of my hands the people in this complex who knows my real name but none of them had ever used it. Suddenly a feeling of anger comes over me, but I know it's only because I feel cornered.

"What's the point if we don't even know what's going on in her head? Shit, she's engaged to someone else in her faction" it's too much, my emotions are weighing me down more than they should.

"Ah bullshit, I've never met anyone less suited for her faction than her and that's saying a lot because I know you. If your excuse for not saying anything or acting is that she belongs to another faction and has a life where you don't belong you are lying to yourself and that Tobias, that just shows cowardice."

Even though I don't want to my fists are so tight my knuckles are white. I don't want to get mad at Hana because I know she's saying all of this out of her affection for me, but at the same time I need her to stop talking because I'm losing control. Suddenly it's all too much, my childhood in abnegation, my initiation, Amar and his death, my job, my friends, the stupid leaders and the disappearances, my mother and her factionless army, Tris falling into the net, Tris' hand on my face, it's all too much.

When I least expect it a tear escapes and rolls down my face, Hana catches it deftly and looks at me with gentleness and understanding.

"What if I fall for her and in the end it's all for nothing?"

"And what if something great comes out of it no matter how fleeting?" My God, Hana is the strongest woman I know but it never ceases to amaze me how poetic she gets sometimes. Noises from inside the house distract us from our conversation.

"I'm not expecting anything great Hana, at this point I'm just hoping I can protect her for as long as she's here."

"HAHAHA, and you say you don't know anything about love" Hana looks at me like I'm a little kid who is trying to explain how the simplest thing works.

"You know Uriah is in love with her too right?" I ask her a little nervously because I don't know if she will still be rooting for me if she knows her son is in the way.

"Of course he is, but honey, I've seen Uriah fall in love a thousand and one times with a hundred different girls. You on the other hand... He'll grow out of it."

"Hey you guys, everything okay?" asks Zeke peeking out the balcony door "We thought any minute we'd have to come out and separate you."

"Bah please, you think I can't handle him?" Says Hana as she walks into her house laughing "Like my other two sons, Four also needs a scolding from time to time, but that will teach him not to disappear for so long and come visit his mother once in a while" I try to express my gratitude to her with my eyes, not only for keeping up appearances in front of everyone, but for always being there for me. This only reinforces the idea that hasn't left my head for months, I have to do everything in my power to solve whatever is going on here in Dauntless, and to achieve it I know I have to rely on others, including Tris.

I know I need to have a serious talk with her, lay all the cards on the table about what I know is going on here and most of all, talk to her about what I don't know but suspect. I decide then that today is a good day to do it, in the evening while everyone is at the capture the flag game I can take the opportunity to talk to her. Although it is my favorite day of the initiation, the reality is that I have won that game quite a few times, if I lose it this time it will be for something more important.

"I have to go, there are a few things I need to get ready for tonight" I say out loud to no one in particular. I walk a little closer to Tris and in a low voice I say "There's a night activity for today, try to get a few hours of sleep and make sure you're in the dorms by 12pm ok?"

"Ok" she replies to me. With that I give Hana a kiss on the cheek and leave her house, I have too many things to get in order in my head before tonight.

A/N

I'm very excited to be able to upload this chapter today, as I told you in the past I already had some part of this one written because the truth is the scene with Hana is one of the first ones I thought of when I was thinking about this story. The result I liked it a lot, I had thought to make the two pov in this chapter but I think it would be too long and also I think that in this fandom the flag game is something very special to summarize it, I hope you think the same as me.

Leave me some comments about the story, everything will be welcome :)