The day my mother died, the tulips have come and gone, shedding their pretty lips one by one.
I was five, six.
Everywhere I go, faces would gaze at me with those eyes full of pity, eyes full of sympathy.
For the first time in my life, I am alone. I feel so lonely, like I am a tiny little particle of dust floating, floating, in a big vast universe, where I am alone.
If I try to fly and rise above the world below, I will fall. If I try to take a step and move forward, I am lost. If I look back, I am forgotten.
"It's alright, Yona."
A glimpse of something yellow, a gentle, tender sigh. An overcoat wraps around me, warm and soft and hushed, like a quiet music, playing softly in the background.
"Now, it's alright," Suwon says, enclasping me from behind, "even if you cry."
I let him embrace me, while I crash into the ground, holding on to his coat, tight, as if I am walking on a tightrope, clinging onto nothing but a splinter of hope.
"I could never fall asleep," I say, and my tears turn into a cascade. "Because Mother isn't beside me."
My very first heartbreak, my very first heartache. So this is what it feels like, to lose someone so dear to me, someone who is like the sun, it's like fighting so many ghosts, so many phantoms chasing me, chasing me. And my heart is opening, and closing, opening and closing, opening.
"I'll be your Mother," he says behind me, in a half-gentle, half-cheerful tone. "I'll do exactly what the Empress did, and hold your hand until you fall asleep. So when your tears fall down, I'll wipe them away, so that nobody will see. So you can smile tomorrow."
So I can smile tomorrow.
"You are not alone, Yona. I'm here. I'll always be here. I promise."
Suwon, you are my most precious person. In that day, you gave light into my own little world.
You're the one, I've always...
"You're still awake?"
In a blink, a beat, everything changes, and I am back into that point in time again.
This is a dream ... a nightmare. This is a lie, right? It should be. Because he promised me...
"I didn't expect you to be awake this late at night."
Right in front of my very eyes, my father drops on the floor, blood trickling out of his chest, into the ground.
I run to my father's side and fall to my knees. "Suwon...my father is..." With my shaking hands, I reach out to touch my father's chest. I won't believe my eyes. This must be some kind of a trick, a mummer's play. But the blood won't stop flowing. "Hurry...call a doctor."
"Emperor Il will never open his eyes again. I killed him."
What is he saying? Why would he say something like that? He would never do this. He told me he loved me, he said he'll convince Father...
I look up, and saw him. There against the moonlight, his hands tainted red. The same hands that touched me, the same hands that caressed my skin.
He lowers his sword, and its point meets the ground. "You don't understand anything, Yona. For ten years, I have lived for this day. Did you know? When Emperor Il succeeded the throne, he killed my father."
No ... Uncle Yuhon died in an accident. It couldn't be. My father would never wield a sword. He wouldn't.
"I have avenged my father, and as the one who inherited my father's dying wish, I will become this nation's king."
Please, this is just a dream. I must wake up. This isn't real. Please let me wake up.
"Why did you come here, Yona? You should be sleeping."
When I woke up, you weren't by my side, I want to tell him. I came here to tell Father. I want to tell him I could never forget you...
My head starts to float like I'm in a cloud, or a very very thick fog, drifting, drifting, nowhere.
Who is that person, over there? He killed my father ... that person is not Suwon. He's not my beloved Suwon.
Why did he come to me earlier? Why did he tell me he loved me, when he would kill my father? He said he'll convince Father, he said he'll marry me, he said I'll be happy with him.
Is he a liar, then? Was it all a lie? Does he truly love me, or he only tried to deceive me, for the throne?
Did I gave myself to him for naught? I am a foolish one.
Around me, the room turns into faces, faces that are laughing, in masks, smiling, laughing, whispering. They call me weak, a pampered little princess. Me being the daughter of a coward king. Me who knows nothing, naive, sits still, looks pretty.
A little princess, loved and mocked.
If I cry, I am lost.
This is the same nightmare, I try to remind myself. This is the same, every night, haunting me, haunting me.
Stop crying. It's alright, everything will be alright.
...
When I wake up, my whole body is burning, and freezing. I snap my eyes open, scrunch my brows. What's happening to me? I feel so hot, and so cold at the same time.
There is an arm draped around my waist, covered in a shadow of a golden robe, against my crimson one. Suwon is lying beside me, eyes closed, deceptively peaceful.
In a hurry, I grab his arm, jerk it off me. He stirs, and shifts, blinks. "Yona," he says, in a surprised tone, "you're awake."
I sit up, and a wet cloth falls from my forehead. I pick it up, it's warm.
"You were having a fever earlier," Suwon says, taking the cloth from me. "I had the doctor check on you." He leans forward, presses the back of his hand on my forehead. "Oh, it's rising again. Wait here a second, I will get him." He gets off the bed, heads out of the heavy wooden doors.
I could easily get out of this bed, make for the door, run outside, if I can. It's so easy, the picture of freedom, hanging in there, in display for me.
But Suwon isn't foolish enough to leave the door unlocked without having guards outside. There's a dozen of them outside, probably more, I suppose.
He enters after a minute, in his golden robe, a king's robe. It's intimidating, like he's showing me who owns this place now. But that crown, and that robe, all those will burn into ashes, should I make my move.
By the time the doctor arrives, I recognize him as the head of the royal physician. Suwon hasn't removed him from office. He's been under my father's service since the very beginning. He could help me, if I could talk to him, make him my ally.
Suwon is standing in the corner, watching us. He's always there, watching. I ignore him, as the doctor checks on my pulse. I can't mess this up. I can't.
I wait for Suwon to leave the room.
When the doctor prepares to leave, I lose all hope. He gets up, bows, looks me in the eye, leaves. I think I saw something in those eyes, pity, perhaps? It's always like this.
They both leave the room, Suwon and the doctor. I won't cry, crying is weakness. There'll be a second chance, I know. I am hoping.
The doctor made me drink something bitter, made me lie down, with a wet cloth on my forehead. I want to be covered in layers of blanket, but they won't allow it. I'm so cold.
Sleep won't come to me anymore. I just lie here, eyes wide open, thinking about a lot of things. I think about a lot of things, of how a lot of things have changed. I think about my father, my mother. They're gone now, somewhere.
I think about the sun, always up in there, beyond this ceiling, a circle of flame, a ring of radiance. It's the only thing that won't ever change. If I stand and stay on its side, I am not lost.
The door creaks open, and my thoughts leave me again. Suwon climbs the bed, settles himself leaning against the headboard. If I shift to lie on my side, back to him, the cloth will fall off my forehead. So I remain on my back.
There is a minute of silence, two, three, four. I try to fall back to sleep, but my eyes remain open, as if my instincts are telling me that there is danger lurking near me, hiding.
"It's all my fault," I hear him say, so softly, I strain my ears to hear. "You got sick because of me."
When I look up at him, he is looking at me. I break the eye contact, and keep my gaze at the ceiling.
"Sometimes," he continues, "I wish I never fell in love with you. It would be way easier, don't you think?"
Try to keep my breathing steady, try to keep my emotions at bay. I wish as well, that we never fell for each other. It would be easier, yes.
"I can never go back now, can I?" he says. "I've chosen this path, and there's no going back. Still, every night, I wonder how different things could've been, had you not seen me that night."
My head is a blank canvas again, empty. I stay quiet, try to let the waves go.
"I told myself I would treat you differently from your father," he says. "I spent all those years, trying to shut you out of my life, while plotting against your father. I am not ignorant, Yona. I am aware of your feelings, and the way you would look at me. But I kept on shutting you off, because I'm afraid you'll get in the way."
He touches the cloth on my forehead, flips it over. I flinch. It's cooler again.
"Shutting my feelings away was a mistake," he continues. "Each day that passed by, my feelings for you grew stronger, until I couldn't control myself anymore. The night I went to your room was a mistake too. I lost control, after seeing you that night. I lost control, and gave in to my desires."
Now I'm starting to cry again, the memories of that night flooding me. I don't want this to happen. I want to hate him. I want to keep my anger, use it as weapon against him. But how could I do that, when he's here, saying these things?
"Why are you doing this?" I say, as I choke on my sobs. "Why are you telling me these things? If you really love me, why lock me in here, punish me when I tried to harm you? Isn't it unfair? You're hurting me, Suwon. I don't know who you are anymore."
I rise up, lest I drown in my own tears. I let them fall freely.
"All I'm doing is for your sake, Yona." His voice is a bit higher, firmer this time. "I'm keeping you here because I have to. Because you are a threat to me right now. If I let you out right now, will you promise not to run away? Will you promise not to speak against me?"
So it all comes down to that. He's being selfish. All these he's doing for himself, not for me.
"I'm keeping you safe here," he says. "Do you think I obtained this seat on my own? No. I have my own subjects, and they will not hesitate to harm you because you're a threat in their sight."
At this I look at him. Keeping me safe? Is this supposed to be a safe haven for me? I slap him, hard.
"Why not just kill me, so it would be easier! You're being selfish!"
He grabs both my arms, pins me down on the bed. He hovers over me, pinching my arms tight, it hurts.
"You don't know what you're saying," he says, as a shadow passes across his face. "I'm warning you, Yona. I don't like this behavior of yours. I'm just holding myself, try to understand you, forgive you. But I have my own limits too. If you do this one more time, I'm going to punish you again."
He releases me, and I stare at the ceiling in shock. Who is he, really? He's not the man I came to love.
"Do you really desire death that much?" he says. "I could give it to you right now, but I promise I won't make it quick. I'll make you suffer till you regret asking for it."
Each day that passes, the darkness in him grows, eating him. I sob helplessly, afraid of this man more than ever.
"Do you understand now, Yona? I'm trying to be gentle here. But if I must use force on you, I will."
He leaves, not even bothering to look back.
The world is black, I see now. There's no safe place to be. I look at the blanket before me. In the ceiling, I see a twisted strip of sheet, hanging down. I see myself there, just swinging, lightly, like a child. I will be safe there, protected altogether.