I awake to the feeling of something brushing against my cheek, warm but pressing. The images are fading into the distance, caught in a blur of rainbows, as I am slowly pulled into reality. Groaning, I swerve away from the contact, bury my face in the pillow.
Where was I again? If I remember it right, I was dreaming about something, right ... a distant memory. It was that time, when the snow came to visit. The three of us, laughing. Right. It was a good memory...
A chuckle, soft and small, reaches my ear. I know that sound. I've heard it before. Where is it coming from?
"Yona. Wake up."
Something warm presses against my forehead, along with the one still on my cheek. Opening my eyes, blinking, squinting, adjusting to the bright lighting, I see sea-green eyes, gazing down at me.
Suwon?
"You've been sleeping for hours and hours now," he says, smiling. "It's already past noon. I woke you up so you won't feel sick from sleeping too much."
I look around me, confusion clouding my mind. He's back already? But I feel like I've only been asleep for about an hour or two. Rubbing my eyes, I sit up.
"I was worried about you," he says. "I heard you didn't eat yesterday."
I enclose my arms around him, like a warm welcome, but mostly to hide my eyes. They must still be red and swollen from crying last night. "I'm fine," I say. "I just lost my appetite yesterday. How's your trip?" I ask, trying to change the topic.
"I had a rough night," he says, wrapping me closer.
"You must be tired, have you gotten enough sleep?"
Though curious, I always restrain myself from asking him further questions about his whereabouts. So he won't suspect me.
"I did," he says. "I've arrived at dawn. Then I slept beside you. I always sleep fine when you're beside me."
"I'm glad to hear that," I manage to say.
An awkward silence soon follows. He isn't moving, but I could feel his warm breathe grazing my skin. Before I could think of another topic, he speaks.
"Yona," he says. "I want to talk to you about something. After the meal."
We eat together, a heavy meal before us. They arranged the table and chairs such that we're facing each other. All the time I could feel his eyes piercing, boring into me. I keep my gaze at my plate, force myself to chew, swallow, chew, swallow. I'm not really hungry.
After what seems like an hour of torture, I finally put down my spoon and fork, decide I can't take any more.
Then they are cleaning the whole table, while we stay on our spot, face to face. All the while Suwon is staring at me. Occasionally, I would look at him and give him a small smile.
Today, I notice he is wearing white and purple robes, a simple one. His hair is tied in the usual manner, past one shoulder, in a golden hair tie. He looks soft, gentle even. Like he could never even kill a deer.
Yet he is much more clever than he looks. Outside a clumsy and carefree individual, inside a sly and cunning serpent. I always keep that in mind.
The moment they leave, Suwon presses forward, eyes even more piercing. I brace myself for what he's about to say.
"You haven't been eating well lately," he says. "I'm worried about you, Yona. Tell me what's wrong."
There is an actual tone of worry in his voice, and I recoil in disgust inwardly. But outside, I let out a sigh. I open my mouth to say something, but find I couldn't find the right words. What am I gonna tell him? That I simply don't have an appetite? He just won't believe me.
"Give me your hand," he says suddenly.
Hesitantly, I hold out my left hand to him, over the table. It's a little cold, again. Out of nervousness I suppose. He immediately wraps his warm one around mine.
"I've been thinking about it," he says. "I figure it's time." He pauses for a second, ten. "I'll let you out this very night, in exchange for your promise."
A hundred billion emotions strike me in a split second. Joy, anger, excitement, fear, hope, anxiety...
"I'm afraid you're drifting further from me, the more time you spend here," he says. "I can't lose you. So promise me, Yona. Just promise me one thing. Promise me you'll stay by my side."
How? How could I ever do that?
"You don't have to forgive me," he says. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. All I'm asking is you stay by my side, and never leave me."
This is madness. Is he saying I could live a life full of lie and hatred and bitterness for the rest of my life, and it shouldn't matter as long as I'm with him? This is absolute madness.
"You're asking too much," I say. "I can't do it." I try to free my hand but his hold is so tight.
"Then, do you intend to stay here forever? Please Yona. It's all I'm asking."
He sounds almost desperate now, almost pleading. Maybe he's just too tired now too. Maybe he just wants me to get out of here. Maybe he's finally taking pity on me, for locking me here, for killing my father...
Or is he simply being selfish?
What is wrong with me? He's literally offering me the one thing I've been aiming for weeks now. I just have to swallow my own pride.
But a promise is a promise.
If I promise to stay with him, never leave his side, what will that benefit me? Nothing. I will live all my days in hatred and bitterness. Yet if I don't grab this opportunity, I might rot in here forever. Do I want that?
I close my eyes.
How heavy can a promise be?
Then, after a very long pause, I finally decided. I swallow my own dignity ... and give him my promise.
A promise is a promise.
The rest of the day is a blur of black and white. He says I just have to wait as he prepares everything. I don't know what sort of preparation he meant but I go about my normal day, except that this will be the last day I'm stepping into this dark room. I have no plan of ever coming back.
A cold room, with cold white walls, soon they'd be just the shadows of yesterday.
When night comes, they bring me a cup. Inside is an odorless white liquid. "It's His Majesty's order," one of them say. "To make Your Highness fall asleep."
Without further question, I take the cup and let the liquid flow through my mouth. Because I get it. He doesn't want me running away the moment I get out of this door. It's not like I'm planning to do so anyway. I'm smarter now.
The next moment I come to my senses, warmth is seeping through my skin, the sort I'd last felt months ago. When I open my eyes, I am no longer in that dark room. This room is different.
The first thing I notice is the windows, wide open. A trickle of sunlight.
I rise up hurriedly, search my surroundings. I am in a big plump bed, white pillows and white covers, everything in white. They also changed my robes. The walls are decorated with tapestries and hangings of various colors, mostly crimson. This room is large enough, like my old chamber.
Walking over to peer through the windows, I am met with mountains and greens and flowers and a pond. I recognize this place. This place...
We used to visit this place when I was young, with my mother. A small villa situated in the farthest part of the castle, reserved strictly for the royal family. A place surrounded by nature, where we can rest for a while, ease our worries.
Yet I stopped coming here when she left me.
Before I am even aware of it, tears are running down my cheeks. Why am I crying though? Is it joy? Is it sadness?
The sound of the door opening and closing alerts me of his presence. In a hurry, I wipe my face with my sleeves. I watch as he comes to me. He is back in his golden robe, and a smile across his face, back to his carefree composure.
"What do you think?" he says, stopping beside me. "The view is very beautiful in here, right?"
I nod my head. I try to smile, but the tears come falling down before I could stop them. Then he is embracing me again, as if he isn't the reason for them in the first place.
We eat by the pond, at noon time. A small table with chairs on either side was put there under a tree, a few feet away from the water. There's only two of us, Suwon and I. But I am no fool. His bodyguard is watching, hiding somewhere out of my view.
I first caught glimpse of him the moment we stepped outside. Huge scar running across one eye. Chasing eyes. He looked at me as if he wanted to kill me.
Hyuuri, that is his name. "He's scaring me," I said. So Suwon sent him away, out of my sight. But his eyes continue to haunt me still, through the shadows of the trees.
That is his bodyguard? That man?
I distract myself by staring at our surroundings. Even from here I can see the castle walls, running around, enclosing this whole place. And I know I am never completely free.
What am I thinking? Of course, as long as I'm inside these castle walls, I'll never be free. I will be limited only inside this whole villa, where no one ever comes except for us and the servants. At least a mile from the main gate. They won't even hear no matter how much I scream.
Suwon is staring at the water, as if deep in his own thoughts. Then he catches me staring at him, and he gives me a small smile. "Do you want to say something?" he says.
"I have a question," I say, though I already know the answer. "Am I allowed to step out of this place?"
"Of course," he says. "You are not a prisoner here, though you'll have to stay under my terms when you go out."
I didn't expect that answer. What does he mean by that? A hundred questions strike my mind. I open my mouth to reply, but realize I have to think critically before I speak. Taking the cup of tea, I take a sip. It smells of flowers.
After a while, I manage to say, "C-Can I meet other people? Can I meet Hak?" My own mind is condemning me right now. Foolish. Of course not. The answer is a simple no.
Out of the corner of my eye I see his hand twitch. Flinching inwardly, I poise myself for whatever's coming.
"We can visit him if you want," he says.
I shoot my eyes straight at him.
"Though I doubt he'll want to see me again," he says. He diverts his eyes into the water. "The last time we met he vowed to kill me."
My breath hitches.
"He's in prison right now. That night, I lost him too. He'd wounded me on the shoulder terribly, while I'd pointed my sword at his neck. But I should've seen it coming. He isn't called the thunder beast for no reason."
This can't be happening ... right? Hak? He's in prison all along ... just like me? Is that the reason he never came?
It's getting harder to breathe now. My breathing turns ragged, in and out in short, quick wheezes ...
"Yona, are you okay?"
No. Hak won't be caught that easily. Unless ... unless they threatened him. Unless they used me hostage ... what happened that night, really? He was fighting ... while I ...
Then the table begins to swirl, and the water threathening to swallow me whole. I see Suwon standing rashly, rushing to my side. He's calling my name.
Don't touch me, I want to scream.
But then his voice turns many, drowns along the many voices, speaking in somber, somber tunes.