There's no point in crying now, is there? Crying won't change anything. There's no point.
Yet the moment our eyes meet, the dam inside me cracks, breaks into a rushing water. But I've learned how to weep silently now, so I barely make a sound.
There he is. Behind the iron bars. Hair as black as coal. Tall composure, like a sturdy oak. There's no mistaking. He's here. Alive.
Hak. I want to say his name out loud, but my words choke before I could get them out.
We stare at each other for a very long time.
He isn't moving, just staring at me. Maybe he's thinking I'm not real, just a phantom. Just a ghost, who appears every single day, in this dark cell, with cold stone barricades.
I feel like he's a phantom too. For many a time during my stay in that dark room I would see him as a phantom. And many a time I would think he really came, only for him to disappear the moment I would touch him.
Except that he's no phantom now. Or is he?
The first to break the silence is me. "Hak." I try to sound happy, as if to say I'm glad he's alive, but my voice come off as a broken piece of glass.
The moment I uttered his name his eyes widen, and then he's staring at me like I've just appeared right in front of him, and then he's rushing forth, gripping the iron bars.
"Princess."
With his movement comes the rattling of chains, attached to his left foot. Does that hurt? Is that heavy?
Boldly, with all the courage I could ever muster, I take a step forward, towards him. He stretches his arms to me, cups my face, as if checking whether I'm real or not. I let him touch me. His hands are dead cold, just like mine.
"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I failed your father. I'm sorry -"
"Hak." I cut him off. "I'm glad to finally see you."
If there's someone who should be blamed here, it's me. Because I've been a fool. Because I've dragged him into this misery. None of this is his fault. He's a victim of my ignorance.
Then his lips are on my forehead, through the steel bars. How I missed him so much ... I'm afraid he'd disappear again, if I touch him. So I cling to the bars instead.
"You've endured so much for me, Hak. Thank you."
With one hand he brushes my hair aside, lets his face rest on my shoulder. His hands fall around me, tugs me closer. In that moment I finally gather the courage to hold him. So with my shivering hands I carry on to rest one palm over his lower back, the other I bury in his hair. Like a mother cradling her child.
We stay like that for a few minutes. Communicating where words fail.
I take the chance to take in our environment. Sweeping my eyes around, I try to catch a glimpse of the room that's keeping him from the outside world. There's a bed, I see one. With pillows and covers.
I'm glad of that. I don't want to break the peace we're in but we don't have much time.
"How are you?" I ask him. Do they bring you food three times a day? I also want to ask. Do they always keep the torch lit?
Because this place is so dark, enough to make someone go crazy should all the torches cease burning at once. And I know the feeling. Because I've been there, and it was a miracle I'm still sane. Or am I?
It takes a whole minute before he responds. But when he does, his tone has changed, like he's trying his best to lighten the atmosphere.
"Still breathing," he says.
"I'm really glad you're alive, Hak." By that I meant ... that I'm glad he's still himself. Unlike me. Who's dead inside.
"Of course I'm alive. I'm immortal. Besides, there's a princess who needs her bodyguard."
I smile, this time a genuine one. He hasn't changed. Still the same. It's like I'm back in time and nothing really changed.
"Did he come with you?" he suddenly asks.
"Yes," I reply. "He's outside."
"Where is he keeping you right now?"
"In the villa, the one reserved for the royal family." The silence that follows pushes me onwards to say more details. "At first he kept me in some dark room, I don't know where that is, but the other day he had me transferred."
He pulls away, and then looks at me. "At what cost?" he inquires.
He's smart. He always reads things well. Every situation. Just like how he discovered about my father's murder that night. But just like that night, it would be better if he'll never know. I lower my gaze.
"Princess."
"Please don't worry about me anymore," I say.
"Princess," he says again, more pressed this time. He tries to get hold of my hand but I draw them in time, out of his reach.
"You're no longer my bodyguard," I say wryly. The contract had ended when my father died. "You're no longer required to worry about me."
Then I'm crying again. I don't know how to tell him. I can never tell him. I'm so dirty. I'm a dirty person. Tainted. A broken doll. What would he think of me? A lowly woman, selling herself to survive...
"Have you forgotten he's a murderer?" he says quietly. His eyes ... just by looking at them ... How does he know? How could he know the truth so easily? "I could get us out of here. I'll get us out of here."
Why now? Why didn't you come earlier? I want to ask him. I waited for you. I waited. But you never came.
"There's no point," I say. I did what I had to survive. "It's too late."
"Princess. I'll find a way. I'll get you out of this place. You can't trust him. He's a murderer."
"I promised him." The words are gushing out before I could stop them. "I promised him, Hak. I promised to stay by his side. There's no point. I can't break it. The gods won't forgive me. If I break my promise, they won't-"
My words get stuck in my throat and I cry harder. Full of resentment. Full of bitterness. What have I done?
This whole time I've been trying to free myself, only to get caught in the web I myself had created. I've been selfish. Desperate. Desperate to get out of that place ... that I hadn't contemplated, hadn't considered ... the condition he'd laid in front of me.
I'd thought I was wiser now. Turns out, I was wrong all along.
I bring my hands to my mouth, try to silence myself. Suwon has had me trapped ... My knees almost give way but then Hak's arms are on me again, and I lean on to him for support, because I'm falling again, falling so hard.
"I'm sorry," I say sobbing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
This goes on for I don't know how long. All along he does not move an inch, just comforting me with his warmth, his warmth, his warmth.
"I vowed to kill him," he says solemnly sometime later. "I promised His Majesty Il to protect you. I promised to take care of you. I intend to keep my promise."
Hak really meant those words ... right? He'll really kill him. I think about the three of us together, when we were all young and uncorrupted. How could it all come to this? How?
"When that day comes, will you stand by his side?" he asks.
When that day comes, I want to tell him, I will lose the two of you. After you kill the king, you will be branded a criminal, Hak. Guilty of rebellion. Of treason. Will be condemned to death.
Then I will be left all alone.
How did all come to this?
I don't know. I'm afraid. I'm so, so afraid. What should I do, Hak? Where do I go? Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.
"Your Highness."
The sound of the voice and the footsteps approaching make me jerk away from him immediately. They can't see us like this. Suwon can't know.
I have to protect Hak. I can't lose him. He's all I have left ... he's all ...
"Your Highness," a voice speaks from the darkness. "His Majesty says it's time to go."
I wipe my face with my hands, gather my voice. "Give us a minute. I'll follow shortly."
I wait until the shadow disappears completely. Then I am looking back into his deep blue eyes, and I am saying one thing: "I don't want to lose you too."
What he does next completely tears me apart. Hak turns his back to me, completely locking me out of his heart. At this point in time, I feel like he's no longer himself ... just like me. He's been damaged. Beyond repair. Just like me.
In pain, I turn my back to him too, and start walking away. But before I'm out of earshot my ears catch his words.
"When the timing is right, I'll come find you."
He doesn't promise, but neither does he break his word. I understand. I can never stop him. With every step that feels like walking in a hot burning coal, I move forward.