There are so many things that's keeping me awake at night. So many things that keeps pulling me from the peaceful slumber I so crave right now.
Nightmares...questions...nightmares...answers...nightmares...
My gaze flickers to the cup held in front of me. My medicine. The only thing that would help me fall asleep. But even with the aid of it I would still end up screaming in the middle of the night due to unending nightmares.
I push it away. "I don't want to drink it tonight," I say. "I think I can manage already." In truth, I don't like the idea of having to depend on something.
The court lady bows and withdraws. After she leaves I turn back to the window, stare at the darkness. Perhaps sleep shall come to me soon. I know it will. Because it always did.
Or if not, then I'll use this time to think, reflect. Decide what my next move will be, or what other questions I will ask him next. Because if I don't seek, I'll never find the answers.
Two nights ago, I finally took another step. "I have so many questions," I told Suwon honestly, while we lay in bed basking in each other's warmth. "They've been bothering me for a long time now."
"What sort of questions?" he asked me then.
I clutched his hand tight. I'm tired of being ignorant, of staying clueless. But how do I start? I thought helplessly that night. Will he even tell me? But if I don't knock, the door won't open. So I took a long deep breath and steadied myself.
"About the whole castle. About why ... why the whole court didn't come looking for me." How you've secured the throne to yourself. About how much power I have left in my own hands. "Do they assume I was dead?"
His eyes went suddenly cold.
"Please Suwon," I begged awfully. "I want to know. If you really love me, you won't hold back those things from me. I deserve the truth. Please."
He still didn't waver.
"If you don't intend to be honest with me, how will I be able to trust you?" I said. "You say you love me, right? Prove me then. Prove me how much you love me. I promised to stay by your side, but how can I love a person who won't even trust me?"
Still no answer.
"Is it because the truth would only hurt me?" I said softly. Then I made myself kiss him as if I'd really meant it. "I know it will. But sooner or later I'd learn the truth anyway. So what does it matter if I learn it now?"
In the end, he told me the bitter truth. Of course, every word that came out of his tongue was carefully constructed, cautiously weaved. But they're enough to make me feel like I was drowning again, in a water with six walls trapping me.
One.
"After the king was killed, the princess fell mentally ill." That's just one of the many lies the people have been feeding themselves with.
I see now. That's why. That's why that doctor is still here, right? Because Suwon still has some use on him. The same doctor who'd seen my suffering before, yet chose to stay silent still. He's been on Suwon's side all along. Making the people believe I'm sick. That I'm mentally disoriented. So they can keep me locked away.
Two.
The people believe that my father's murder was the work of insurgents. Some did surrender, at least, claiming the deed, were executed publicly. Suwon had spared the part on who those men are, but I can already imagine how they'd been threatened to the point of carrying the cross they've had nothing to do with. Or maybe how much wealth and power he'd promised them.
"Poor princess. She'd lost both her parents because of the rebels." These are the added whispers in my nightmares now. "That must be the reason she's gone very ill."
Three.
As for Hak, he's been declared missing throughout the country. The Wind Tribe had appointed a new chief. He's called Taewoo. But the worst part is, some suspect Hak to be part of the king's assassination.
I stopped asking Suwon after learning those three lies. All lies. Lies and lies and bunch of lies everywhere. How I'd wanted nothing but to pierce him with my nails that very instant ... but I held myself. Fighting him never ends well on my part.
I'm going mad very soon.
Perhaps Suwon's right. I've really lost my mind. After all, I feel like I'm no longer myself. Just an empty shell. An empty vessel. Just drifting nowhere.
"I need some space," I told him after the exhausting truth. "I don't know, just give me few days? It's just ... overwhelming. I need some space."
I don't know how many days he's going to give me, how many days I have left. If I'm counting it right he hasn't shown himself to me for two days thus far. I can only hope the remaining days would be enough to sort my mind, to face him again without cracking myself.
I couldn't come visit Hak again. I couldn't face him in that condition. Each time his face would flash before my eyes, guilt and shame eats me whole. Like that court lady who'd tried to help me ... I'm afraid he'd end up like her because of me.
My presence would only add more fuel to his desire in killing Suwon, in destroying himself in the process.
But I'm going to do everything in my power to free him, I promise myself every night. If I would have to kneel in front of Suwon, I would. Just to free him from that place.
That's one of the things that's driving me forward, no matter how much I wanted to just wither away. To protect the ones that matter to me. I can't let Suwon sit on that throne alone. Because he's just like his father. Utterly cruel. Without mercy. Would trample even his friends, just to go this far.
"I'm going to sleep here tonight."
His voice echoes through the quiet of the night. They must've reported to him again, how I refused to drink that stupid medicine. Why do they have to report every single thing to him?
I follow with my eyes wearily as he closes the door, walks closer to me. I sigh inwardly. So much for the two days he'd given me. Not enough. Mayhap I should've just drank that stupid medicine.
"Ah I missed you so much," he says, cupping both sides of my face. "You've no idea how much I restrained myself from marching into this place." Just then his lips lock against my own, as if in a haste to devour the meal. "I love you," he says in between. Then his kisses become more viscous.
What a passionate reunion for star-crossed lovers who hadn't seen each other in centuries.
"Let's take a walk outside," he says, grabbing my hand. "The cool air would help you fall asleep."
We walk around the whole villa, past the gardens, through the trees. Somehow, the air is a little colder. Although it's early summer. I pick a dandelion absentmindedly. Stare at it's beauty. Breathe it's rich scent.
Suwon's minding his own business. I'm glad of that somehow. Because I don't feel like talking. He's looking up at the sky, the oddly shaped clouds, the crescent moon.
I stop when I spot a bench, sit down on it. I wrap my arms around myself, still holding the dandelion. He sits beside me.
Breathing the dandelion's scent, the memories are rushing before I'm aware of it. It was spring, no ... early summer.
"You should try some."
The oddly-looking yellow flower is stuffed inside my mouth before I could protest. Suwon is laughing quietly beside us as Hak continues to assault my mouth.
I don't know what Hak finds amusing in this flower but it tastes oh-so-bitter. I force myself to swallow it fully immediately, because spitting it on the ground seems unethical.
"Is this really edible?" I ask Suwon when Hak picks one more flower then actually eats it.
"Yes," Suwon assures me. "Here, I'll eat some too." Then he's picking one himself and begins chewing.
"That's stupid," I say. "What human eats a flower?"
"Why, the princess herself," Hak says before trying to stuff some in my mouth again. I groan in annoyance before running away. Then they chase me until I begin to cry. Bullies.
That way, whenever the three of us would see a dandelion, I automatically run before they could tease me again. That was ... many years ago.
I look at Suwon whose eyes are still fixed above us. Even then, are those smiles he'd given us ... even real? Are those days ... gone forever? Does he even remember the dandelions?
Before I know it I'm holding out the flower in front of him. He furrows his brows, looks at the flower, then at me. "It's pretty." He smiles.
He doesn't remember.
"It's a dandelion," I say, as if hoping something stirs within him.
But then his smile goes away.
"Some things are better off buried," he says, brushing some crimson hair strands past my ear. "Forget about him. I'm the only one you have now, Yona. Only me. He's no longer your bodyguard, you said it yourself. So stop thinking about him."
How does he know I said that? Had he been listening to us that night? Suddenly, I'm angry at him, for invading our privacy.
I stand up out of impulse. "I only spoke of dandelions," I say defiantly. "Or are you that insecure?" That Hak would really get me out of this place? Because he's much stronger than you? "Work on yourself, Suwon. Before you know it, envy is eating you."
He's on me in an instant, fingers digging though my upper arms deeply. I let out a distressed cry. He's so tall I feel like I'm facing a great lion who wouldn't think twice on lunging at me.
"Let go of me," I say. "What are you doing?"
"He's a savior in your sight, while I'm a monster," he says mockingly. "Soon you'll see. The world is not kind as you think. He's not your savior. No one is your savior. You're forever trapped with the monster that you think I am."
Stop.
"I have no ill intention against Hak," he says. "I do plan on making amends with him. But you see ... if anyone comes my way, I won't hesitate to strike them down, no matter who they are."
It's a direct threat. How many times had he threatened me before? I lost count. I'd thought they're gone the day I gave myself to him. Until now. They'd never really go away, would they?
He doesn't let go of me, but snakes his arms around my body. "My mistake," he says. "I shouldn't have let you see him in the first place. Let me tell you: false hope is alarming. He's never coming to rescue you."
If something happens to Hak...
I won't forgive myself. Clutch the flower in my hand. Protectively. Like a mother bear. It's all my fault. I should've just shut my mouth.
"I'm sorry." I don't want to anger him further. The sudden shifts in his mood frighten me. Gone is the boy who'd be patient with me, no matter what tantrum the younger me would throw his face.
Soon after, I hear him sigh. "Maybe you're right. I'm insecure. Because I'm nothing but a cruel man in your sight, am I not? I'm the villain, and he's the hero. Do you even have the slightest idea how much that hurts me?"
Then his lips land on my temple. "Look. I'm trying my best, all right? But your words cut through me like a double-edged sword. You're hurting me, Yona. Am I going to be the one who will always try to understand you?" He inhales sharply. "This relationship isn't going to work if you keep despising me. Try to understand me too."
I nod my head stiffly. I hate myself. I wish I could just quit burying my feelings deep into the ground. I wish I could dig them up, embrace them. I wish I could fight in another way.
"I'm really sorry," I say.
"You're forgiven," he says, and he's back to his calm mood. "Best not to deal in unpleasant emotions. They're very unhealthy."
I'd never be honest with him again. He's completely lost it now. If he couldn't even accept those hurtful words, why ask me to be honest with him in the very beginning?
He grasps my chin, kisses me lightly. "Dandelions taste bitter," he mutters, before pulling me in for a deeper kiss. I don't protest as he takes the flower from my hand, watch blankly as he tosses it to the ground.