*A/N: Oh boy, here we go! My first cringy self-insert. I've always been slightly frustrated at Kazuma's bad choices that seem obvious to not do. So one day I thought about what would happen if I had it my way… And for sake of consistency I will still take Aqua with me. And I will be using my username as my name in this fic…*
*A/N pt.2: This will be my longest fic so far. I have taken a break from working on my other 2 fics for now because I hit a roadblock on them and I just could not get this idea out of my head. Combine that with my other like 50 ideas and my ADHD and I struggle to finish a fic. Please be patient if you are waiting on updates on my other fics. I'm a huge procrastinator. Anyways enjoy!*
I opened my eyes and found myself sitting in a chair in a seemingly infinite black void with a checkerboard floor and white fog in the distance and another fancier chair in front of the one I was sitting in. The last thing I remembered was I that I was crossing the street and I heard a loud scree-
Oh…
I'm probably dead…
"OH THANK FUCK! THANK GOD! THANK ALLAH! THANK BUDDHA AND ANY OTHER DEITY THAT MAY OR MAY NOT EXIST THAT THERE IS SOMETHING AFTER DEATH!"
One of my biggest fears was that there would be nothing after death. Afterall we already experienced the great nothing before we were born, so who's to say that there isn't nothing after death. And I was never particularly religious so I was sorta thankful I didn't get sent to hell if what the bible said was true.
I looked down. I was still wearing my daily wear, a dirty baby blue shirt, dirty blue jeans, and my barely functional sneakers. All Walmart grades by the way. I still had my smudged glasses which was a relief and I felt over my body to make sure I was still intact. My deep dark brown, almost black, straight, shoulder length hair was fine. I wasn't missing any of my legs so I still stood at 5,7 although one of my shins was slightly transparent. I could still see so my dark brown eyes were fine. And most importantly, I still had my dick.
*tap, tap, tap, tap, tap*
I suddenly heard the distinct clack of high heels behind me. I turned around and saw a very pretty girl walking towards me. She was wearing slightly revealing clothes mainly in all blue with thin, pink, fabric on the hem of her skirt. She wore blue knee high boots and overall looked like some sort of royalty. She also had a thin pink scarf thingy floating around her. She had stunning blue eyes, delicate porcelain features and even bluer hair tied up in a type of ponytail using what looked like a water molecule hair clip which was neat. She reached the chair in front of mine and sat down in it gracefully, crossing one of her legs over the other, and she started to speak.
"Hontōdesuka? Anata wa hontōni kamigami o mitomete iru no ni, watashi wa sono ichi-ride wa nai nodesu ka? Konkai wa, eikō ni michita mizu no megami, akua no koto o shiranai koto o yurushite agemashou! Sore wa watashidesu!"
And she was speaking japanese…
And I was a white washed mexican who hated mexican food and only spoke english…
"Excuse me? Miss god lady I presume? Do you speak english?"
She tilted her head in confusion. She pulled out some sort of folder and started flipping through it, her expression only growing more confused and she flipped through it. Something seemed to connect in her head as she raised her hand and snapped her fingers.
"How about now?" She said,
"Yeah now I can understand you."
"Alright. Let's get to it then… I am the goddess of water, Aqua. I am here to guide human souls to the afterlife or to be reborn… And it seems for whatever reason that I don't have the file of your lifes sob story. Can you please tell me your name and how you died?"
"W-well… I don't exactly know how I died but I'm pretty sure I got run over on one of the few days I went outside. And my name is Reader. Readers Read"
I never really did go outside. Only really for snack runs, family events, and schooling. besides that I would stay inside, watch youtube, and play games with my brother and cousin over ps4. I guess I am a NEET but I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I could absolutely beat the 6th grade tub of lard me in a race.
She seemed to pause for a brief moment as she digested this. Then she burst out laughing…
"KWAHAHAHA! READER? WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?! KUFUFUFUF!"
I know. I still spite my mom every day for naming me Reader. But even then, I still hold my head up proudly. Eventually as she came down from her laughing fit which took way longer than it should have, she asked another question…
"S-so… what part of Japan do you come from since you don't seem to know much Japanese?" she asked while wiping away a tear from her eye.
"Uhm… I'm not from Japan… I'm from America…" I responded hesitantly.
She stopped dead in her tracks, mid wipe of another tear…
"W-what? Th-that can't be right… only souls from Japan are able to be here…"
She straightened her posture in the chair and cleared her throat.
"Well… no matter. You have 2 choices. One, you can be reborn on earth as a baby. Or two, you can go to heaven."
She then got up from her chair and leaned uncomfortably close to my face.
"To be honest though, heaven isn't the paradise you mortals think it is… there are no games, manga or TV, AND you don't have a physical body so you can do anything sexual… all you can do is lounge around in the sun, singing praises to the gods for all eternity… and being reborn isn't so hot either. You lose all your memories which isn't really fun and most want to keep their memories…"
"I see… is that really the only option? There has to be something else! I don't want to lose my memories!"
I began to panic a little. I don't want to lose my memories or be bored for all of eternity.
"Well… there is a third option… you do like games right?"
I do like games, Minecraft, Roblox, World of tank… really the type of games that would get you weird looks if you said you played them at my age… then Aqua started going on a monologue about a world under invasion from a demon king, about its decline in birth rates and its need for powerful heroes. It honestly sounded like a setup for an isekai which I really liked to watch in my free time so I was getting pretty excited. She said I would get ANY power or tool to aid in my quest and threw fliers with descriptions of each power into the air.
I sorted the fliers she strewn about during her little monologue as Aqua was sitting in her chair, eating some sort of snack. I looked through the fliers for the different abilities and tools. I didn't really play fantasy games but from what I knew, these weapons and abilities were overpowered.
"Hurry up! I didn't go all day you know! I have other souls I need to process!"
She was kinda annoying, but being the major coward that I was, I hurried up a little as the pressure was applied. Then I got an idea… and I smiled. It was perfect, AND it was op AND there were few downsides I could think of even though I didn't put too much thought into it. I stood up and pointed at her…
"I choose you…"
She made to stand up from her chair.
"Alright then, please stand in the magic circle and- … wait, what did you say?" she paused.
There was suddenly a bright light and I looked up as a very beautiful angel appeared. She was wearing a pink dress, had light blonde hair, and had a broad and perfectly white wing.
"We have heard your request, and it has been approved. I will fill in your place in your absence, Lady
Aqua." She declared.
"W-wait! WHAT!? NO! NONONONO! THIS HAS TO BE WRONG! THIS HAS TO BE ILLEGAL! THIS GOTTA BE ILLEGAL RIGHT!? I AM A GODDESS! I CAN'T FIGHT!" Aqua cried as a magic circle appeared beneath her feet a d we both started floating into the air.
"NOOOO! I CAN'T GO! I CAN'T GO!"
"Be on your way, brave hero! If you defeat the demon king then you shall be granted 1 wish from the heavens! And we will send someone to pick up Lady Aqua." The angel announced again.
"NOOOO! THAT'S MY LINE!"
Do I feel bad? Yeah. Did it affect me? Nah. I just hid my doubts behind the smirk I had for my own intelligence. Was it egotistical? Maybe. Did I care? No. And just as soon as we started floating, a bright light engulfed us and we were on our way.
…
A carriage pulled by us with a clatter. I took in the sights. We were in a medieval looking town with relatively tall buildings. There were vendors selling their wares under multicolored canvas tarps. A couple wagons drawn by horses and other strange creatures rolled down the streets. People in medieval clothing walked about, busy with their own problems and concerns. Men in armor, presumably knights patrolled the streets looking out for trouble, and in the middle of it all, on a small patch of grass next to a tree was an out of place Mexican, and a hysteric goddess. Aqua grabbed onto and shaked my shoulders violently as she bawled her eyes out, drawing looks from the many people passing by. I didn't really know what to do in this situation. So I decided to wait out….
I waited…
And waited…
And waited…
By the time Aqua stopped crying and was just sniffling it had been around a few hours. It was a good thing there were so many new things to observe because then I would have been so bored. Eventually I managed to get Aqua to follow as we started wandering around the town. I was currently looking for something along the lines of a guild, as it was a trope in many isekai.
At last and after we had gotten hella lost, me and the still sniveling Aqua found a big building near the center of this massive, walled, town. It definitely looked like guild material. I opened the doors and we went in. There were wood tables with benches, with tough looking adventures sitting about. At one end of the guild was a bar, and waitresses walked about taking people's orders.
Overall the general mood inside the guild was cheerful as adventures drank together, and scantily clad female adventurers gossipped. I made sure to advertise my eyes from the latter as it made my virgin ass really uncomfortable. Like seriously how was that supposed to cover anything let alone protect you from beasts and ghouls.
We walked up to what we presumed was the front desk where a pretty blonde girl was sitting behind it filling out papers.
"Excuse me, we would like to become adventurers" I said, slightly nervous.
As I already have said I am a massive coward and even social interactions made me a bit nervous. Why? No fucking clue. I was perfectly comfortable around my friend so who knows. The receptionist lady who we would later come to know was called Luna looked up at us and smiled.
"Yes of course! Do you have the fee?" Luna asked.
"Th-the fee?" I asked, my heart sinking.
"Yes, the fee is 1,000 Eris." She said simply.
Fuck. How much is one Eris?!
"Uhh… give us a moment…"
I pulled Aqua to a quieter corner of the guil. I looked at her and she shrugged, seemingly knowing what I was about to ask.
"By my estimates, 1 US dollar is about 150 Yen, and 1 Yen is roughly 1 Eris, soooo 1 dollar is about 150 Eris."
"Okay… that's good to know… but we have no money…"
"Don't worry! Leave this to me! I am a goddess afterall!"
Man was she arrogant…
I watched her walk up to an old man sitting alone. I knew she was about to make a fool of herself so I closed my eyes and clogged my ears. I really wasn't good with embarrassment. Eventually she did come back with a pity loan of 3,000 Eris so props to her I guess… We handed Luna 1,000 Eris each, and she gave us each a form to fill out and brought out a strange and complicated device from under the counter before placing it down.
"Alright, please hold your hand above the crystal," Luna said simply.
It didn't look much like a crystal but I wasn't about to argue. The "crystal" started glowing and whirring slightly as it carved stuff on a small card underneath it I hadn't noticed before. After a few more moments it had finished and Luna picked up my card and looked at it…
"W-well… Mr… Reader? These stats sure are… unique… the only class you can get with these stats is the adventurer class… I recommend you leave and open up your own shop or work at a restaurant…" she whispered that last part to me, to make sure no one else heard.
I took my card and looked at my stats…
*stat average: 100*
Health points: 89
Stamina points: 78
Mana points: 101
Bravery: 36
Strength: 54
Intelligence: 152
Luck: 127
Willpower: 58
Dexterity: 106
Faith: 22
Yyeeaaahhh…
That checked out. I was a little disappointed but I was expecting something along these lines. I did well and slightly exceeded in school so my intelligence checked out…. I had always been luckier than the average joe so that checked out… I had ADHD so there went my willpower… I was a coward so 36 bravery made sense… I played with legos and fidgeted with little gizmos all the time so my dexterity made sense…. And the rest of my stats pretty much made sense to me.
Oh well. I already paid so I might as well stay an adventurer.
Aqua's stats turned out to be amazing besides her luck and intelligence, and she became an arch priest as the entire guild cheered for her. I didn't really care too much but it did hold us up in the guild for a bit longer. By the time we had gotten out of the guild it was sundown. We looked around for a place to sleep for a bit and we did find a place we could afford. Unfortunately… we had to sleep in stables… as I laid in the hay and an idea hit me…
Fuck this fantasy word, I am making a gun as soon as I have the mateirial. I could easily make a basic, and crude flintlock since the idea was simple, just a tube and black powder and if I spent a couple of weeks I could probably make something akin to a m1 garand although the trigger mechanism would be the main problem… That idea was still very far away but it was still an idea. That night I fell asleep imagining myself rolling up to the demon king in a tank, completely ignoring that I was sleeping next to a very pretty girl in a stable.
…
Over the next few weeks we spent most of our days doing manual labor by helping with an expansion on Axel's wall to save up for adventuring gear. Aqua was surprisingly good at manual labor even though she often whined about not getting her beauty sleep or the harsh working environment… not that I was faring any better…
my 78 stamina and 54 strength were really killing me. The most I could lift was a bucket of mortar for the bricks of the walk. I was basically useless on the worksight and I was only kept around because I had a better understanding of math than most of the workers there. Still I was getting paid more than Aqua for my contributions of making sure the wall was straight, even, and bent correctly. After about one month and a week of this manual labor, and dealing with Aqua's tabs we had finally saved up enough to buy decent gear. I got a basic sword, a light, steel breastplate, and a basic bow with 5 arrows. I had also convinced Aqua to also wear a light, steel breastplate which was hell, and Iwon't go into details of how I managed to convince her.
We were currently sitting in the guild. I wanted to get more party members before we took on our first quest. I had Aqua post up a flier for our party on the guild board and now we were waiting.
And waiting…
And waiting…
I was bored out of my mind. We had been waiting for a good half of the day. I had ordered a plate of giant frog legs just to have something to do… man I missed my phone… and the internet… and my ps4…
"Excuse me."
Just as I was on the verge of tears a small voice came from behind me. I turned around and saw a girl, maybe around the age of 12 to 14. She was dressed in a red wizards dress, with a matching pointed hat. She carried a staff almost as tall as her with a blue orb suspended at the end of it. She had burgundy hair and her most eye-catching feature was her striking red eyes.
"Did you post up the flier looking for party members?" She asked.
"Er… yeah. Are you looking to join?"
She smirked and suddenly striked a pose, swishing her cloak behind her, and thrusting her staff to the side.
"I am Megumin! Arch mage and wielder of explosion magic! The one whose spell can crumble mountains and make the bravest knights quake in fear!"
"..."
"..."
"Okay?" I responded, slightly dumbstruck.
Who did this girl think she was? I was embarrassed just hearing her little introduction. It was like an 11 year old trying to be dark and edgy online.
Aqua tilted her head in recognition…
"That name, and those eyes… Are you a crimson demon?"
"A what?" I asked, perplexed.
"Crimson demons are a race of highly powerful and talented wizards. They are known for their strange names and strange personalities." she stated matter of factly
"I'm just gonna ignore that last comment-but yes! I am Megumin! Foremost member and explosion expert of the crimson demon clan!" She claimed proudly, striking another pose.
Still in her pose, she suddenly started leaning forward until she faced the planted floor. I looked down at her, not very concerned for some reason.
"Are you okay?"
*rumble*
"I haven't eaten in 3 days…" Megumin answered weirily.
I offered her a hand.
"We can't have that. Here, I'll get you something to eat and then we'll talk business. By the way, my name is Reader, and the blue haired arch priestess is Aqua"
Megumin took a seat next to Aqua and ordered a simple steak, and I got straight to the business.
"So Megumin… you said something about explosion magic? I don't think I have heard of it. What is it exactly?" I asked.
"Explosion is the strongest and the greatest of all magic! It can destroy the biggest mountains and split open the sky!" she excitedly replied.
"Right… Well uhh… Do you have any other spells? Such a powerful spell as you claim must take a lot of MP."
"No. I refuse to use any other spell. I made an oath to never diverge from the great path of explosion magic!" she insisted.
"Ah… that might be a problem but it does seem like a powerful spell and I'm not about to turn that away… how about this? Me and Aqua were just about to take a quest to kill 5 giant toads tomorrow. We can take you with us and show us what you got."
"Deal." she accepted, slamming her hands on the table.
Was it just me or were her eyes glowing?
We split up, me and Aqua went back to the stables and Megumin went wherever she went. The next day we met at the guild. Aqua begrudgingly put on her light, steel breastplate and I already had mine on. It was a bit stiff but I would rather have a thin slab of metal strapped to my chest than no metal at all. Megumin was already sitting at one of the tables, patiently waiting for us. We sat down at her table and we ordered some breakfast.
My hands were shaking quite a bit. I was actually really afraid and I didn't get much sleep last night. Afterall giant toads were truly giant and they could swallow you whole. My only consolation was that they would ignore you if you had even a scrap of metal on you although I didn't exactly trust that information.
Eventually we made it out of the big gates of Axel and out into the fields where the giant toads were. I watched from a distance as they hopped about… they were massive and I only quivered in fear more. Ignoring my fear the best I could we decided to enact our plan. And by plan I mean nothing. I was never good at planning and prefered to do things as I went. The most I did was tell Megumin to fire off an explosion at the three toads that were clumped together in the distance, and asked Aqua to buff me.
I watched as Megumin began chanting. The sky seemed to darken as long black, swirling streams of magic, and sparkling, colorful stars began to gather at the end of her staff. Big glowing magic rings began gathering above the oblivious frogs and knew what was coming next. Instinctively I plugged my ears as I hate loud noises and the biggest explosion I had ever seen before this was a firecracker.
"EXPLOSION!"
As soon as she finished her dramatic chant and yelled out "explosion" the air erupted as a massive blinding explosion wiped the frogs from existence. Almost instantly as the shockwave hit me I was thrown onto my back as I didn't brace for it, and the wind was knocked out of me. When I got back on my feet about a minute later there were 2 things I saw. A massive smoking crater where the frogs once sat, the rock glowing slightly at the center of it. And Megumin faced down on the grass, her skirt slightly ridden up, which made me look away.
We didn't have much time to admire Megumin's handy work as 2 giant frogs were hopping towards Megumin from a distance. I immediately bolted. Yes it was cowardly but I wasn't about to be swallowed. As I looked back I saw a limp Megumin standing in the mouth of a giant toad, her top half peeking out of it. And to my confusion I saw the distinct blue knee high boots of Aqua sticking out of the mouth of another.
"Oh my god…" I muttered exasperated.
"Can you get me out please? It's too warm and wet here and is slowly slipping further down…." Megumin said monotony.
I turned back and thankful that the giant toads stood still while eating. And after a few stabs and trying to not vomit from the smell I got them out.
"Th-thank yew Weader! Thank wyew!" Aqua slurred through tears as she grabbed onto me.
"Please let go of me, I don't want to get any of that smelly slime on me. ALSO why the hell didn't you have your breastplate on!? You know people claim they hate metal!"
"I twook it off becawus it was hot~" she blabbered.
This girl… I swear. Everyday she seemed to lose more and more brain cells while racking up a bigger and bigger tab. I almost had enough of this. Either way, I gained a few levels, we got the quest done and no one was hurt… only slimed. Megumin said I had to carry her back to Axel and I groaned. It was a bit challenging but I managed to carry her piggyback.
"God… th-this is going, t-to be a long-way back h-home… you are… heavy." I strained through gritted
teeth.
"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?" Megumin yelled as she started hitting my head.
"NO, N-NO! I JUST HAVE… N-NOODLE ARM AND B-BUTTER LEGS!"
This seemed to calm her down but she probably still had a sour look on her face.
By the time we made it back to the gates of Axel it was sundown. As we made our way towards the guild we got a lot of strange looks, probably because there were two girls covered in putrid smelling slime.
"So did I do good? Am I part of the party now?" Megumin asked wearily.
"Yeah… welcome to the gang…"
We slit off, the girls going to the public baths, and me going to the guild to get our reward for the quest. For the first quest we got a decent payment. Sure it wasn't anything crazy but when split between the three of us we could have decent meals for the next few days.
…
It had been around a day since our toad quest. I was currently sitting alone in the guild drinking a cup of water. I didn't like alcohol and I stayed far away from it. Sure I was able to drink it here but I promised myself to never drink until I turned 25, since that was when the brain finished developing.
So there I was minding my own business, drinking some water. I was silently wishing they had soda here but… oh well… It was dark out but the guild was still lively and I was enjoying the mood in the guild with the fire-like magical lighting casting a calm orange glow on the adventurers… For the first time it really hit me that I was in another world. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sounds and laughter of the guild…
"Excuse me…" someone said softly.
I opened my eyes and looked up from where the voice came from. There was a very pretty knight looking girl with white armor with an angle-like wing shoulder guard, an orange dress thing that went down to the floor, and shiny white gauntlets. She had striking blue eyes and flowing blonde hair in a ponytail. She had a calm and expressionless look on her face as she regarded me.
"Y-yes? How may I help you?" I said nervously.
I was a little intimidated, she was about as tall as me and my cowardness did not help with the fact that she had a slight aura of authority about her. And much to my surprise she started blushing for god knows why…
"A-are you the one that s-s-slimed those ma-maidens?!" She sputtered out while panting.
"..."
"..."
"Pardon?"
"I-I-I mean Are you the one that put up the flier looking for new members?"
"Er… yeeaahh?"
There is something seriously wrong with this girl…
"c-can I p-p-p-p-please join your party!"
"..."
"..."
"Uh… sure… tomorrow we can see what you can do and then you can join… we can meet here tomorrow and it's getting late so I'm gonna go…"
I got out of there as fast as I could, this girl was seriously freaky and I swore I heard her moan as I left her in the dust. I exited the guild and began walking. The town was quieting down as the night grew darker and darker and the moon rose higher and higher. A few people were still out, mainly couples enjoying the evening moonlight and guards on patrol. It all felt so safe and quiet. I made my way back to the stables. I plopped down on the hay next to Aqua who was already asleep. The moonbcasted a soothing and cool, soft blue glow on everything. As I listened to the sounds of snoring adventurers and the shuffling of horses I began to drift off.
The next day I woke up alone. By now this was normal as Aqua started getting a bad habit of going to the guild for a drink at breakfast. I sighed and got up to start my day. I made my way back to the guild and I thought about how much we went back and forwards from the guild. When I opened the doors and stepped inside I looked around and spotted Aqua's bright blue hair sitting next to Megumin's tall pointed hat.
"Morning everyone…" I muttered slightly sleepily as I joined them at the table.
"Goodmorning Reader." Aqua said chiply.
"Morning." Megumin said simply.
I sat down and ordered some breakfast when the waiter came by. Aqua and Megumin already got breakfast and were almost done with it.
"Man… I need some skills… I wanna learn how to do magic and stuff…"
"How about-" Both Megumin and Aqua started before I cut them off.
"No, I'm not learning explosion magic. I have nowhere near the necessary points. And I do not want to learn overpriced party tricks, Aqua…"
Megumin slumped back on her seat diegetically, and went back to picking at whatever food she had left on her plate and Aqua huffed before looking away.
"So what quest are we gonna do toda-"
*slam*
I was interrupted by someone slamming their hands on the table making me jump. I looked over to where the sound came from only to my surprise seeing that weird blonde haired girl from yesterday panting right in my face.
"Woah-Jesus christ personal space!" I yelled as I pushed her away.
"Now darkness that's not how you greet them. You will scare them away… again…" Another voice said from behind her, then pulling the blonde girl whose name was apparently Darkness away by the back of the collar.
I looked past her to see a slightly shorter girl with silver hair, and a cut on her cheek. She was wearing a crop top, short shorts and had what looked to be a long dagger or short sword hanging from her hip… seriously why are all the cute and beautiful girls running into me!? Am I the main character or something!?
"Who's this Reader?" Aqua asked.
"Oh. this blonde haired girl approached me wanting to join our party, but I don't know who her friend here is…"
"Oh! Pardon us! My name is Chris. And my friend here is Darkness," Chris said, gesturing to Darkness before continuing.
"I have been trying to help my friend get into a party. I was hoping you would take her in. Also, I heard you muttering something about skills right?"
"Yes we will take Darkness in if she proves herself to be useful and I was actually looking for someone to teach me some skills." I said.
"Perfect. How about this? I will teach you some thief skills and in return, you keep darkness in your party for at least a week."
I mulled this over in my head. There really wasn't any harm to this deal or downsides and if Darkness did well then we would just keep her… even though she was a bit weird… Chris led me out of the guild and into a nearby dead end alley with Darkness close behind. Once we made it a decent way into the alley she stopped and turned to me while darkness leaned against the wall, behind me and observed.
"Alright. The first skill I will teach you is lurk. It is very handy for getting out of tight situations. I will give a demonstration. Ease turn around because lurk only works when no one is looking at you. Once I lurk you can turn back around."
I turned around and a few moments later I heard her mutter something under her breath. I gave it a few moments before turning back… and she was gone. It seemed like it was some kind of invisibility spell. She couldn't have sneak out of the alley or I would have saw her-
"BOO!"
I jumped as Chris reappeared behind me and scared me.
"WHA- CHRIS DONT DO THAT!"
I nearly had a heart attack while she chuckled to herself.
"As you can probably tell, lurk masks your presents. Unless you make a loud noise directly in front of someone's line of sight or close to them, the lurk skill will keep you completely hidden. You should be able to get it on your adventurers card now." Chris explained.
I pulled out my adventurers card and sure enough, the lurk skill was there. I quickly got it which only took a few skill points and it felt like my very DNA was being rewritten…
"Woah…"
"Yup. Pretty cool right? Well, the next skill I will teach you is stealing. Steal takes 1 random item from the target. It is completely based on luck. The better the luck you have, the better the item you might get. Simple."
It really was simple and it sounded really useful. Chris took a few steps back away from me as I assumed she was about to do a demonstration.
"Steal!"
Chris yelled as she thrust her hand out and made a grabbing motion. As she did that a light appeared in her hand and suddenly the light became a whole lot blurrier.
"Hey what the- my glasses!"
She took my glasses…
"That's how steal works. Learn it and try it on me." She said as she handed my glasses back.
I slipped my glasses back on, pulled out my card again, and learned the skill, steal. It ended up taking my remaining few skill points but I felt it was worth it.
"Alright! Here goes nothing! Steal!"
I instinctively thrust my hand out and made the same grabbing motion as the light appeared in my hand.
"Oh hey, I got something!"
I didn't know what I got but it was some sort of cloth? And it was… warm? I held it up and spread it open in the light.
"OH WHAT THE HELL!?"
I quickly dropped it out of disgust… I got her panties… her panties…
"I AM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"
I quickly kneeled before the very red and very squirmy Chris as she rushed to get her panties back. I quickly fell on all fours as I despaired.
"E-eheh-ehh… it's… it's random… eh-heh… y-your forgiven so please go so I can put them back on…"
Chris laughed, very embarrased.
"YES MA'AM!"
I quickly got out of that alley, past the panting Darkness and didn't look back.
…
I got back to the guild just in time for the waiter to come with the breakfast that I had completely forgotten I ordered.
"So how did things go?" Megumin asked.
"Er… I dont wanna talk about it…. But I did learn 2 skills…" I said wearily.
I sat silently, picking at my food as I didn't have much of an appetite now. Eventually Chris and Darkness came in. I didn't look her in the eyes. Then Aqua piped up…
"Chris, mind telling us what happened. Reader is being all mysterious about what happened."
That's enough! I'm making her sleep outside tonight!
"Oh! Uhmm…i-it went… ok… th-there w-was a little hiccup… but its a-all good now…" Chris sputtered out, growing red again.
"This ravenous beast stole Chris's panties without hesitation! Aahh~ so cruel and barbaric!" Darkness moaned out.
Megumin and Aqua and pretty much every other female in the guild were glaring at me or giving me the stink eye while poor Chris was trying to defend me by explaining what Actually happened. No one was listening. I figured I should buy her a drink later for her help even though I didn't really care about my reputation. I was still a loner at heart after all so I didn't really care what others thought of me. but still… It was nice having a sane person looking out for me.
Luckily, or unluckily before Darkness could soil my reputation even further…
"Emergency! Emergency! All capable adventurers head to the front gates! I repeat! All capable adventurers head to the front gate!"
That didn't sound good…
We all rushed out of the guild, Aqua fidgeting with her breastplate while I already had mine on while. Both Megumin and Darkness tailed close behind us as we ran. Eventually we made it to the main front gate of Axel and I saw what looked to be green fog in the far, far, distance…
"Looks like it's harvesting season…" a grizzly looking adventurer muttered.
"Bring out the mayo!" Aqua cheered.
"…what…?"
I was very confused and when the green fog rapidly got closer I realized that it wasn't fog at all… they were cabbages… of course the damn cabbages here flew…
"Get ready everyone! This year's harvest is bound to be bountiful! Each head of cabbage this year will be worth 10,000 Eris each!" Luna announced using some sort of magical megaphone. Still, 10,000 Eris for a single head of cabbage. That's like what? 70 bucks a head?
…
…
…
THAT'S A GODDAMN DEAL IF I'VE EVER HEARD OF ONE!
I quickly got ready as the cabbages rapidly approached with dollar signs in my eyes. They got closer and closer until I could eventually make out the little black eyes they had. The cabbages and adventurers met and carnage erupted. These things may be cabbages but they sure packed a punch. Darkness threw herself at the cabbages, using herself as a human shield and letting out a moan each time she was hit.
Meanwhile I quietly scooped up the stunned cabbages that fell around her while under lurk. Eventually I got the idea to use the steal skill and the cabbages started rolling in. Megumin let off an explosion taking out a good 100 of them while Aqua squacked about chasing and trying to capture the nearest cabbages.
Adventurers ran about, without order and not much of a goal. They swung and chopped and shot cabbages and slowly and surely the cabbages thinned out over the course of about 2 hours. I had amassed quite the haul. My tactic of cheekily picking up stunned and dead cabbages that no one noticed proved to be quite effective. I had gotten exactly 143 cabbages, all in my own pile.
Doing the math that is about 1,430,000 Eris or about 10,000 dollars. I was richer than I had ever been. What's funny or sad based on how you look at it, was that my life's savings back on earth was a little under 300 dollars.
That night, I spent my last remaining Eris on me to sleep in an inn because tomorrow I would be getting a massive payout. And Aqua slept in the stables.