"Have you ever thought about disappearing?" The question was quick to leave Keefe's mouth before he realized.
Fitz hesitated feeling the bandages around his arms. "Yeah…"
Painful silence rang between the two boys before Keefe spoke again "Are you going to tell Sophie?"
"Tell her what?"
Keefe glanced over to see Fitz. His hair is still wet from the shower he took. His teal eyes focused on the ceiling as if he was afraid of looking anywhere else. Keefe joined Fitz on the bed seeing Fitz's eyes move to him.
"You need to tell her."
Fitz looked away, not answering. Keefe repressed a sigh, leaning against the bed closer to Fitz. He could feel the warmth from his body, but his emotions were cold. Keefe looked at Fitz's new bandages wrapping around his shoulder.
"I can feel you staring" Fitz whispered fighting the urge to pick at his bandages.
"She'll understand-"
Fitz scoffed at the idea and turned his back on Keefe. "If you want her around so bad just leave."
"I'm not leaving you."
"Why? Because you feel guilty the first time taking Sophie's side?"
"She was right. Fitz what you're doing…" Keefe looked at Fitz's arms again "It's not healthy.."
Keefe reached his arm out to touch Fitz but he moved his body further away.
"Why do you always choose her? Why am I always the second choice?" Fitz's voice was soft enough that Keefe wasn't sure if he had heard him properly.
Both boys had a strained relationship since Sophie and Keefe got together. Fitz had distanced himself completely from the couple as if repulsed by them being together. Fitz closed his eyes feeling the corners of his eyes burn. Keefe moved closer but gave him enough space to reject it. After he realized he wasn't being rejected, Keefe wrapped his arms around Fitz. It wasn't too long before Fitz's tough exterior broke. Every vulnerability, insecurity, and doubt fell out of him. He hid his face into Keefe's shoulder soaking his shirt with his tears. Fitz couldn't stop his body from trembling. He felt weak. After his family released Alvar he couldn't stop his anger from festering. Every day was a fight to keep his feelings hidden in the deeper parts of his mind. Seeing his mother and father play house with his older brother Alvar was sickening.
He couldn't understand how they could forgive him for hurting them. How could they forgive Alvar for hurting him? Biana was by his side for a while but slowly started to change her mind after the first couple of weeks. Fitz tried to get people on his side but he felt like fighting a losing battle. To everyone, Fitz was the brother who couldn't move on. He was stuck with fragments of memories unable to move past. Fitz stopped going to family dinners and outings. After repeated fights with his parents, they stopped bothering him. Biana visited him in his room as much as she could but Fitz felt distant. Fitz had gotten no contact with Sophie after saying it might be time to move on. Her tired brown eyes pleaded with him to let go but the only thing Fitz focused on was the crush cuffs around her wrist. It seemed as if everything Fitz wanted to be slipped through his fingers. He was tired of losing. He was tired of being alone.
Keefe rubbed his back and held Fitz closer to him. Fitz wasn't an empath but being in Keefe's arms made him feel understood. Fitz held on to Keefe, gripping onto his sleeve afraid that if he let him go he'll disappear too.
"Please don't leave me," Fitz cried
Keefe's eyes melted into his "I don't plan on it. I'm right here."
Fitz leaned forward to press his forehead on Keefe's. The boys sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. They watched the golden hour glow disappear off of one another's faces as the sun went down. Their breathing is soft and in sync with one another.
"I don't know how to move on," Fitz whispered, a tear falling from his eyes. "How do I move on when I'm still hurting?"
"Sometimes you move on not because you're done hurting but because you're ready to take the first step to heal," Keefe responded as he brushed the tear off his face.
Fitz couldn't help but hold his attention on Keefe's hand as it touched his face. The warmth of his skin comforted him more than any blanket did. He didn't know how Keefe could always say the right things to make him feel better. Filz felt Keefe's hand lower to where his arms were leading him to flinch.
"I'm sorry-"
"No…it's okay" Fitz reassured, grabbing Keefe's hand and putting it where it was before.
Keefe's hands trailed up and down the bandages as softly as he could. More tears ran down Fitz's face. Nobody had been able to touch him for weeks. Between his crash-outs and violent outbursts, people stayed away from him. He hadn't let anyone touch him for so long that he almost forgot what it felt like. Keefe couldn't help but feel his composure fall apart feeling Fitz's bandages. He wondered how many times Fitz had cried in his room like this. How many times did he inflict pain on himself while others couldn't bear to handle the truth? He must have been so alone, Keefe thought to himself. His guilt appeared across his face. He had been spending so much time with Sophie after the Vackers declared no more visitors because of Fitz. Even if he couldn't see Fitz he should have hailed him to see how he was doing.
"You can't keep hurting yourself Fitz," Keefe forced to say trying not to let his emotions take over.
"It's the only way I can release the pain. I've tried so hard to stop but every time I leave this room I see him-" Fitz closed his eyes, turning to ignore the burning urges in his arms. "I can't stop,"
"Then let me help you. You can stay at Candleshade with me. I know my dad isn't the best but it has to be better there than here." Keefe offered
Hope flared in Fitz's chest. It was an emotion he hadn't felt in months. He wasn't sure if he was capable of feeling after only feeling numb. But as soon as the hope appeared it vanished. His thoughts overwhelmed his mind with all the things that could go wrong. He pictured him and Keefe arguing because he couldn't stop his urges. He pictured Sophie feeling uncomfortable with him being over. He couldn't take the idea of Keefe changing his life to help him. It felt selfish. Keefe had his own life. He had his friends. He was with Sophie. Jealousy sprouted from his heart like veins climbing down an abandoned house. Jealous weeds dug further into the ground until there was no hope of getting them out. Fitz reached to pick at his arms but Keefe caught him.
"Talk to me please," Keefe whispered, rubbing his thumb on Fitz's hands to distract him from his urges.
Fitz bit his lip wanting to share every insecurity and thought. He needed to share it with Keefe. He needed to have someone. Fitz looked into Keefe's eyes. They were empathetic, reassuring, and open to listening. Fitz felt his walls drop the longer he held eye contact with Keefe. He knew Keefe was waiting for a verbal answer. He knew what Keefe wanted to hear but…
Fitz leaned in pressing his lips against Keefe's. He knew it was wrong. He knew Keefe was taken. He knew that what he did would ruin everything but he couldn't hold himself back anymore. He was prepared for rejection. He was ready for Keefe to jump back from him but to his surprise, Keefe kissed back. His lips were soft and everything he expected them to be. He could smell the cologne he was wearing and feel Keefe's heartbeat against his chest. It was pounding as hard as his heart was. The kiss wasn't rushed or desperate. It was slow and loving. Both boys pulled away from one another, their cheeks tinted pink from their actions.
"Woah," they heard from the corner of the room.
There stood a pink-faced Biana and his father by the door. Keefe and Fitz pushed away from one another and jumped to their feet.
"It's not what it looks like," Fitz quickly tried to defend himself but his father was faster
"It looks like you were kissing someone who is already dating someone we all care about,"
Keefe winced at the reminder, fumbling with his shirt.
"It was an accident."
"Dad don't do this," Biana begged her father not to rile Fitz.
"An accident?" Alden repeated in disbelief. He couldn't even look at Keefe. "I don't know what to do with you, Fitz. I have tried multiple times to include you in this family but all you do is hide in your room and do impulsive things. I've done my best to understand you but then you do things like this-"
"You've never tried to understand me!" Fitz yelled.
Biana and Keefe flinched at his outburst.
"You keep saying you're trying. Everyone is saying that they're trying but you guys never do. You don't want to try! You just want to hold Fitz back but guess what? I don't think he's there anymore!" He screamed, grabbing his bedding on his bed and throwing it at Alden.
"Do you think this is a normal response Fitz?" Alden responded as he caught the bedding. "Look at what you're doing!"
"I don't care! I need you out of here! Get out! Get OUT! GET OUT" Fitz grabbed a vase on his nightstand and shattered it against the wall. His arms were on fire. He couldn't think with the burning sensation tearing into every ounce of his body. Every time Fitz looked at Alden all he saw was Alvar's face. It was taunting him. It was a reminder of the reason he lost everything.
"Fitz stop!" Keefe shouted, grabbing Fitz before he could do any further damage to himself or others.
Biana stifled a sniffle and ran out of the room unable to see Fitz lashing out anymore. Alden reached out to help Keefe but Keefe rejected his efforts.
"He needs space." Keefe choked out trying to get Fitz to calm down. Alden opened his mouth to disagree but Keefe begged "Please trust me. I have him."
Alden hesitated before nodding his head in agreement as he closed the door before leaving the room. Keefe held Fitz refusing to let go no matter how hard he thrashed around. His emotions were burning through Keefe. It was strong enough to make him question if he was still holding onto him. He held Fitz tighter, sending him all the calming waves he could until he stopped. Both boys were out of breath. Keefe felt the soreness hit his body immediately after Fitz stopped fighting him. Fitz cried harder against Keefe.
"I know Fitz I know. Shushhh it's okay I'm here."
His sobs echoed throughout the room mimicking how lonely his room felt. Keefe pushed the shards of glass away from their feet and sat them both on the bed.
"No! What are you doing?!" Fitz yelled, feeling Keefe hug him from behind.
"Shushhh it's okay."
"No, I don't want this! Stop!"
"Don't fight it. It's okay. You're okay." Keefe kept repeating spooning Fitz and holding him tight enough to feel safe.
Fitz's cries lessened the longer Keefe held him. Keefe ran his hand through Fitz's hair. He felt Fitz's body relax against him. Relief filled Keefe's chest. He was finally calm again. He couldn't imagine how tired Fitz was feeling after every reaction like that. Keefe was tired of just trying to help. Everyone was focused on how hard it was for them to process his outburst without considering how hard it was for Fitz to regain control. Keefe brushed his hand to Fitz's eyes to wipe any tears on his face.
"I'm sorry,"
The statement broke Keefe's heart. He knew Fitz was sorry. He knew Fitz was trying his best to remain calm but couldn't. Keefe could see his efforts and attempts even if others didn't.
"You don't have to be sorry Fitz…" Keefe pushed Fitz's hand away from picking at the bandages. "You're okay." He stared running his hand on the bandages to distract the burning feeling Fitz had.
"I ruin everything."
"That's not true."
"I kissed you."
The crack in Fitz's voice haunted Keefe. Keefe knew that what Fitz did was wrong. Keefe was with Sophie and he knew that. Keefe knew he shouldn't have kissed him but he couldn't deny the feeling of wanting Fitz to kiss him. How would he explain that to Sophie? How could he explain it to himself?
"We kissed each other. You're not the only one in the wrong. I shouldn't have kissed you." Keefe whispered
Silence entered after his statement. Keefe focused on Fitz's soft breathing and shallow breaths. Keefe could feel every time Fitz's chest lifted after he breathed in.
"Why…did you kiss me?" Fitz asked
And to be honest he didn't know. Keefe didn't know how to explain it. When Fitz had missed him there was no doubt or shame in his mind what was wrong. He only saw the positives when they kissed. Keefe saw their relationship get stronger and better yet he saw a future with Fitz. Keefe didn't know how he could have missed his feelings for Fitz. Looking back at them now it felt obvious to feel but both boys had been distracted by Sophie. Sophie, Keefe froze in his head. She was going to be heartbroken. He had cheated on her after all. Had Fitz and Keefe kissed beforehand, Sophie, would've been accepting of their relationship but now? Everything was going to be ruined between them. He thought he would be able to let his feelings about Fitz fade away when he started dating Sophie but they always lingered.
"I always liked you but I wasn't sure if you saw me that way. I didn't want to ruin our friendship if you didn't feel the same."
Fitz turned around facing Keefe. Their legs tangled together the closer they got to one another. Fitz looked up at Keefe, his eyes glancing at his lips before looking at his eyes again.
"I would never let that ruin our friendship," Fitz said to Keefe, feeling his breath close to his face.
"But what if this ruins our friendship?" Keefe gestured to the distance between them
"It won't."
"But Sophie-"
A spring of jealousy supported Fitz. He felt his grip on Keefe's hand tighten at the mention of her name.
"What about me?"
"Fitz, if we do this it'll make things complicated. This isn't just with Sophie but the council too. What if they don't accept us?"
"I don't care if they don't accept us as long as we're together. I'm tired of being the perfect golden boy everyone wants. It's time I fought for something I want to do and be…and I want you."
"What if you're only saying that because you're hurting? I don't want your emotions to cloud your judgment. We were just talking about living together what if-"
Fitz caressed Keefe's face changing the tone between them. Keefe stopped talking immediately after the gesture as if that was enough to disprove his argument. The tension between them was unbearable.
"The only thing that's ever clouded my judgment was fear. I'm not afraid anymore Keefe. I don't have any alternative motives. I don't have any expectations of leaving you when I get better. No matter who looks at us or how they look at us. No matter how complicated our friend group gets. I want you and only you."
Fitz leaned in closer to Keefe, unable to stop staring at his lips.
"Are you sure?"
"I promise."
Keefe closed the distance between them, sharing another kiss. This time the kiss was more intimate than the last. The moment was shared only for the both of them. Two fragile shells of who they used to be coming together. Two boys with mistakes that could have a list keep going but it didn't matter to them. Fitz's worries disappeared into Keefe's touch. Every negative thought or impulse about the future was gone.
For once in Fitz's life, he was going to live his life not for his family or his legacy but for himself.
This time he wouldn't get a second chance in his own story.