Maddy would be lying if she said it didn't hurt the first time.
Like it wasn't a gut-wrenching feeling. Like it didn't feel as though her heart had been shattered into a million and one pieces. Like her world had crumbled around her, piece by piece, until she was left standing there, barely breathing.
A black and white photo of a tiny fist wrapped up in Nate's large hand. A fist so small, so fragile. But still, seeing that photo felt like a punch straight to her stomach. A punch so strong it had her doubling over, clutching her stomach in pain. She felt something warm spreading through her chest- jealousy, heartbreak, regret. All the things she thought she had long buried.
For all intents and purposes, Maddy had tried her hardest to distance herself from Nate and Cassie and East Highland. She had moved coast, she had unfollowed her former friend and surrounded herself with New York fashionable friends with an endless supply of fun parties and fun drugs. She surrounded herself with the kind of people who didn't ask questions, who didn't care about the past, and who lived for the next party, the next hit, the next escape.
She had taken the year off to just enjoy her new life. Realistically, much like Cassie, she had little interest in pursuing higher education. For now, she had been training to be a make-up artist and had gotten herself a random job at a vintage store in the Village. The owner was a creepy old Russian man who liked to take pictures of her in the clothes.
He probably jerked off to them in the backroom.
Whatever, Maddy thought, at least she managed to wear Vintage Chanel and return it the next day without him noticing.
Sure, it wasn't a long term plan, but for now she was having a great time.
Lorette, her new friend, had introduced her to some cashed-up guys who would take her out.
They called it the dinner roster.
Monday and Tuesday night was for a quiet salad at home, Wednesday to Friday was for dinner out with the roster. It had to be somewhere expensive, where it was hard to get a booking. Saturday night was for the girls, unless the roster had a surprisingly good catch that deserved a Saturday slot. Sunday night was recovery.
Maddy had a few of them on the go at the moment, of all ages and marital status.
"Just don't fuck them," was Lorette's only rule.
She felt empowered.
She was in control of her life.
She had moved away from that Middle America reality of her childhood- away from everything she had known, the drama, the small town gossip- to the bright lights of New York City.
She was thriving.
Still, Nate Jacobs had a hold over her she could not explain.
His Instagram activity was quite sporadic- rare posts, sometimes a story, nothing too personal. Majority of it was photos of houses his construction company was working on, a few pictures of cars he had no doubt worked hard to afford, and fishing trips with his boys, beers in hand, smiles on their faces. He posted photos of his son, a small boy with pale blonde curls and deep blue eyes that, even through the screen, made her stomach tighten. Sometimes, there was a picture with Cassie. Just a glimpse. A snapshot of their perfect little life, one she should have never been curious about but couldn't help herself from seeking out.
So, every once in a while, more frequently than she liked to admit, Maddy found herself scrolling through Nate's grid. Whether it was a day when she was coming down from her weekend activities, feeling a little blue, or when she was feeling particularly unkind to herself, Maddy found herself scrolling, wondering if there would be something new. Something that would give her closure. Something that would make her feel something other than this hollow ache in her chest.
She had memorised the meaningful photos he posted.
The ones of him as a dad.
The ones of him as a husband.
The ones of them as a family.
Taking his son to watch his first football match, the baby all wrapped up and strapped to his chest. A proud dad showing off his little boy.
The photo he reshared from Adam Fleming of the boys over at his house for poker night-the boys, all huddled around a table, beers in hand, laughing. It was such a familiar scene, one Maddy had watched play out so many times when things had been simpler. When things had made sense.
The Thanksgiving photo of Nate, Cassie, and their baby-the three of them standing together, looking so perfect, so picturesque. So... Midwestern. So quintessentially "American Dream." Maddy could feel the weight of it pressing on her chest.
And then, a photo of Nate and Cassie at a gala. He was in a tuxedo, looking every bit the part of a rich, successful man. She was in a figure-hugging blush pink dress, her long blonde hair cascading down her back in soft golden waves. She was beautiful-Maddy couldn't deny that. But it was obvious to her that Nate had chosen the dress for her. She would lie if she didn't admit she felt a strange sort of joy seeing Cassie's figure a little rounder, a little less perfect.
Stay fat, bitch - she thought to herself.
She wasn't completely crazy. She didn't just sit in bed all day stalking the Jacobs family.
But sometimes, she couldn't stop herself from wondering... What if?
What if the baby in his arms favoured her darker features instead?
What if the decor of his home had been picked by her?
What if the baby in his arms had darker features, the way hers might have? What if the decor in their house had been chosen by her? What if the family photo had been their family? Something cooler, something more her. Maybe Nate's vintage car parked in the background, her dramatic makeup, their little chubby baby, naked, playing on a fluffy rug.
What would she have worn to the gala? Something dark. Something edgy. Maybe a ridiculously low back that made her look like a goddess and drove all those conservative, Republican family members of Nate's insane.
Thanks to her finsta, and a little bit of hidden masochism, Maddy had found herself bouncing from Nate's profile to Cassie's. Cassie's Instagram was far more active, she posted almost every day. A picture-perfect snippet of her life. The pink ring around her smiling photo kept Maddy hovering on the edge of something dark. Should she look or not? Should she dive into this painful voyeurism, or should she let it go? Hurt more or hurt less?
It was no surprise that Cassie was much more active on her social media than her husband. If Nate ever allowed it, Maddy was sure Cassie would make one hell of a mommy-influencer. Pretty, young, blonde.
She manicured snippets of her daily life.
Walking in the park with her fluffy dog and top of the range pram.
The elaborate gifts she received from Nate for every milestone.
A birthday post for Nate, featuring pictures of him and their son. Happy birthday, baby daddy!
Picture perfect.
Maddy clicked on the pink ring to watch a video of Nate and his son in the pool, Cassie's voice in the background as she encouraged her baby to enjoy his time in the water. The baby looked so tiny, nestled in Nate's large, muscular figure. She could almost feel the warmth radiating from the screen.
She took in Nate's relaxed smile, his adoring eyes as he watched his son splash the water.
"Did you see that?" He would sometimes ask Cassie.
Maddy had replayed that video more times than she would like to admit, she took in every detail, the way his hands held his baby, his encouraging voice, his happy smile. She dissected the intimate moment.
And then Maddy saw it.
A photo that stopped her in her tracks
Cassie, sitting by the edge of the pool, her legs in the water, Nate standing in the pool facing her. His large hands were gently holding her sides, his lips resting on her extended abdomen.
No, it couldn't be... She thought, her eyes darting across the image, trying to convince herself it was old.
But no, Nate's blue cap was a dead giveaway that photo had been taken on the same day as the video.
And that Cassie was pregnant- again!
She felt the bile rising in her throat.
Why did it bother her so much?
The thought of him being irrevocably hers now, more hers than he had ever been or would ever be Maddy's, made her feel sick to her stomach.
She didn't want this. She didn't want him. She didn't want to feel like this. But somehow, seeing Cassie's pregnant belly, the tenderness in Nate's gesture, felt like a knife, twisting deeper into her chest.
Her mind raced with thoughts that didn't make sense.
Maddy glanced at her phone screen, her thumb hovering over the screen, just for a moment, debating. She knew she could close the app, forget about them, move on with her life.
But why did she keep coming back to them?
The temptation to see what had become of Nate's world was unbearable.
She found herself scrolling through their feed, searching for the next detail. The next clue. She didn't have any right to want this, but she couldn't help herself. It was like a twisted addiction. The more she saw, the more she wanted.
It was so... domestic. So right in a way that made Maddy feel like an outsider, an intruder. She felt as though she had witnessed something intimate, not meant for her eyes, despite the fact they had shared it with all their followers.
She texted a screenshot of the bump photo to Kat and BB saying wtf.
The three girls exchanged texts over Cassie being pregnant again, saying some unkind things about their former friend.
She was always loose now she gonna be hella loose, BB teased.
Seriously they make my fucking skin crawl, added Kat.
Maddy quickly typed back, her fingers flying over the keys.
She allowed herself to indulge in the bitchiness shared with her friends, it momentarily made her feel better. Mean word after mean word about her former best friend, as they picked apart her appearance, her choices, her marriage.
They speculated on whether Nate had been faithful to her, they implied he probably treats her like a dog, they wondered how miserable her life must be.
They reassured Maddy she had dodged a bullet.
But Maddy's stomach churned.
She looked at the screen, reading their words again and again, trying to convince herself she was fine, that she didn't need Nate, that he was a piece of shit, and she was better off. But in her heart, she knew it was a lie.
It wasn't that Maddy wanted Nate back. No. That was the last thing she wanted. She knew he could never be a good husband, a good father, a good man. But there was this deep, sick feeling inside her, this emptiness that she couldn't shake. Watching them, seeing their perfect little family, made her question everything.
The thought of him being for Cassie the person she had hoped he would one day be for herself was hard to stomach.
She had never been enough for him, and now Cassie had what she couldn't. Everything. His love. His life. His family.
She scrolled back to the photo of Nate with his hand on Cassie's belly, his lips soft against her skin. That image kept replaying in her mind, and with each pass, it became more like a thorn lodged in her side, refusing to let go. It wasn't just that they were happy. It wasn't just that they were a family. No, it was the way Nate looked at her. At Cassie. The warmth, the intimacy between felt like hives.
The bile rose in her throat again, hot and sour.
Cassie. Her best friend. The one person who had known everything about her, about Nate. The one person who she had trusted with her life, her heart, her secrets. The one person who had betrayed her in the most unimaginable way.
The rage was still there, but it was mixed with something darker-something that gnawed at her insides. Cassie had won. And that made Maddy feel weak. She hated herself for it. She hated that after everything, she still let herself care.
She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the tears back, trying to push the hurt deep into the recesses of her mind. She had moved on, damn it. She had. But seeing Nate and Cassie together, happy, in love, starting a family, their family, made it impossible to forget.
To make herself feel better, Maddy wondered if Cassie felt as empowered in her relationship as Maddy did in her newfound life. She had dated Nate, she knew firsthand how awful and cruel and aggressive he could be.
Was it so wrong of her to wish Cassie had simply inherited all the awful things about him? That this redeemed version of him was just an illusion for the camera, that in reality he was still the asshole that had treated her like shit for the whole time they were together.
She wondered if Cassie felt miserable, trapped, small. She wondered if he had ever raised his hands at her like he had done with Maddy. She imagined Cassie to be pathetic enough to never talk back to him like Maddy did, that she would let him bulldoze all over her own personality (the little that she had) just to keep him happy.
She wondered if Cassie got to have sex when she felt like it, like Maddy did with her roster, or if she was forced to spread her legs whenever her husband demanded just to keep a roof over her head. She wondered if he had even bothered to give her an orgasm every once in a while.
Did Cassie want to keep getting pregnant? Was it her way of holding on to him for longer?
It seemed exactly like something someone desperate enough to chase her best friend's semi-abusive ex-boyfriend would totally do. Pushing out baby after baby just to keep him there. Destroying herself, her body, her youth, just in the hopes of an i love you from him. Would Maddy have been able to do that?
Or was it Nate who kept putting babies into her just to keep her by his side?
How many times had he told Maddy that he wanted to have a baby with her, to see her pregnant with his child, to be his wife.
Ugh.
Maddy tossed her phone to the side, letting the anger burn through her.
She should not let them live rent-free in her mind anymore.
And yet, no matter how much she told herself that, a small, haunting part of her wondered, deep down, how it would if she had been the one who belonged there.
If you want something to play with
Go and find yourself a toy
Baby my time is too expensive
And I'm not a little boy