Once upon a time, in a kingdom filtered through Valencia and doused in discourse, a baby was born. She didn't cry—oh no. The moment the doctor slapped her bottom, she gasped, looked around, and said:

"Excuse me?! Did you assume my gender?!"

And thus, she was named LatinX Woke—a name that just rolls off the tongue!

Meanwhile, in a kingdom plagued by beauty standards, diet tea fads, and royal influencers, lived the Evil Queen, a misunderstood woman trying her best to gatekeep and gaslight her way to the top.

Every morning, she stood before her mirror, which was always up to date to the latest trends.

Queen: "Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

Mirror: " 'Fair' is now considered a problematic term. Beauty standards are colonial constructs. It's woke that's all the new rage!."

Queen: "Excuse me?!"

Mirror: "Currently, the wokest individual in the land—hence, the fairest by new DEI metrics—is LatinX."

Furious, the Queen called her most loyal huntsman, Derrick, a Black man whose only purpose is to fulfil the diversity quota of this story.

Queen: "Take LatinX into the forest and—dispose of her."

Derrick: "Yo, what? That's murder."

Queen: "Ugh. Fine. Just cancel her."

Out in the woods, Derrick and LatinX walked in silence. Until she spoke.

LatinX: "You know, your silence is violence."

Derrick: "Ma'am. I was literally ordered to kill you."

LatinX: "Oh wow. A man. Trying to silence a young Latinx voice. Typical."

Derrick: "Okay nope, I'm out."

And just like that, he left.

Lost in the woods, LatinX stumbled upon a horrifying sight: a cozy cottage with seven mismatched, clearly CGI-rendered dwarf abominations—each one more graphically terrifying than the last.

LatinX was horrified as she looked through the window.

"Oh. My. Goddess. A house with seven men living together and not one woman identifying person in sight? Toxic masculinity much?"

She burst through the door.

LatinX: "Listen up, you pint-sized patriarchy! First, we're gonna clean this place up. Then, one of you better make me a vegan gluten-free sandwich with emotional labor on the side, or else!"

The dwarves blinked. Sleepy passed out. Dopey tried to speak but was too nervous. Doc wondered what vegan and gluten even means.

After a forced group therapy session and a 6-hour explanation of internalized sexism, LatinX was ready to confront the Queen.

LatinX: "Pack your sacks, dwarves. We're dismantling the monarchy."

Grumpy: "Why?"

LatinX: "Because she's the root of systemic oppression. Duh. Now move your ass Mansplainey!"

They reached the palace in the wokest way possible, with a slutwalk! LatinX insisted upon it and the dwarfs had no choice but to cooperate.

Queen: "You?! How dare you come back! And why are those midgets wearing women's underwear!?"

LatinX: "I'm not just back, I'm breaking generational trauma and dismantling narrative binaries."

Queen: "You insolent little—"

LatinX: "Silence Karen!"

They circled each other, trading barbs like middle school debate team captains on Monster energy drinks.

Queen: "You're nothing but a mouthy brat hiding behind hashtags!"

LatinX: "And you're a relic of patriarchal pageantry designed to pit women against each other!"

Furious, the Queen reached for her magic staff.

LatinX acted quickly and ripped off her skirt to reveal her unshaved legs, glittering like moonlight over a feminist poetry slam.

Queen: "OH MY GOD—what is that?!"

LatinX: "Natural. Powerful. Revolutionary. Brave… It's modern beauty standards!"

The Queen, stunned by this bold rejection of grooming norms, stumbled backward and fell dramatically off the balcony into a pit that became later known as the grave of outdated gender roles.

LatinX then went to the mirror.

"Magic mirror on the wall—who's the wokest of them all?"

"You are. In fact, your story will be Disney's biggest box office bomb."

And thus, LatinX ruled the land with viral threads, mandatory consent workshops, and weekly callouts of historical inaccuracies.

Everyone lived offendedly ever after.