A/N: Another chapter. I think there is probably one more chapter, at most two to be had. I do have a short story sort of Mac's side of things planned, not sure when that will be done because frankly I have so many other stories to finish! I will likely finish up Heart next and then I think it will be Trust—but then again, who knows where the muse will take me?

Crash

Chapter 17: Landslide

"Where is it?"

Mac had been sobbing inconsolably for the last several minutes, her body growing heavier in his arms until he lowered them both to the floor. He held her tightly, rocking her as he spoke soothing nonsense words into her hair. Her cries eventually slowed to small shudders, and when those tapered off, he asked her again what she needed. He was willing to give her anything. Everything.

"Mac?" he whispered when she didn't answer, and for a moment he wondered if she had actually fallen asleep. He shifted her a bit so he could see her face, a little startled when he met her open eyes. "Mac?" he said again. "What can I do?"

"Did you?"

His brow furrowed at her question. "Did I?"

"Bury it? With h-her?"

"Honey, I don't know what you mean."

"The b-bear. Sarah-bear."

Harm's throat tightened. "No…" He swallowed. "I-I didn't. I kept it...I put it—"

"She's alone?"

Harm shook his head. He knew what she meant. "No. There's a picture of...of us…with her."

Mac slowly nodded. "Okay…good…but where is—"

"She's in the memory box the hospital gave us."

"Can I see her?"

"Of course. The box is in our-I mean, the bedroom. I'll go get it?"

Mac nodded and slipped out of his embrace. He rose from the floor, biting off a groan as the muscles in his back twinged. He glanced back at Mac to see her shivering with her arms wrapped around her knees. He made a note to bring her a blanket as well as he crossed to his bedroom. It only took him a moment to retrieve the sweet little box and a soft quilt from his closet, and then he was lowering himself next to Mac again.

Harm draped the quilt about her shoulders and as she whispered a soft "thank you," he removed the lid from the memory box. His hand closed around Sarah-bear, and he lifted her out, quickly replacing the lid before handing the tiny stuffed animal to his wife.

Mac cradled it reverently in her trembling hands, while new tears slipped past her cheeks. "Ohhh," she whispered, her finger stroking the ribbon around the bear's neck. She brought the bear to her face and quietly wept into the plush fur. Harm wrapped his arms around her, holding her gently this time, and she leaned into him.

"What happened, Mac?" he asked after a while, and Mac glanced around the room.

"Oh, Harm!" she exclaimed in horror. "I'm so sor—I didn't realize—oh my god…" She started to pull away, but he held fast.

"Sweetheart…it's okay. I just don't understand why…"

"She'd have been a year old now," Mac whispered.

"I know."

"And all I could think about was her bear. I had to see it…and then I couldn't find it." She surveyed the room again. "Oh god…the closet…her toy chest. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Shhh, honey. I can fix it. Don't worry about it. I'll fix it."

"But I can't."

"What?"

"I can't fix it. I can't fix us. I can't fix anything. It's all my fault. All of it. Losing her. It's my fault."

Oh, Mac…

"No, baby. No…there was nothing you could have done."

"That's not true."

"Maaac…"

"I didn't have to go back."

"Go back?"

"I saw him…in the window. I almost didn't stop…but then I went back." She pulled away from him and crawled to her briefcase he hadn't noticed was lying on the floor. She pulled something out of it then thrust it into his hands when she returned to his side.

"I went back…for him."

Harm turned the little stuffed aviator bear over in his hands. It was cute, almost as adorable as Sarah-bear, but for the life of him, he couldn't understand how one tiny plush animal had anything to do with the loss of their daughter.

"If I hadn't gone back and bought him, I would have been long gone before he…hit…"

Oh.

"No…honey…that's not…"

"I just thought he'd be perfect for Sarah-bear. Perfect for…for…Meggie."

Meggie…she said Meggie. She finally said her name! The realization hit Harm like a thunderbolt. She hadn't said their baby's name since before they'd lost her.

"He was. He is."

"But then…then she died. Be-Because of me! Because I went back. Because I couldn't protect her. Because I…I…"

Once again, Mac dissolved into tears and all Harm could do was hold her, while his back protested his position on the floor and his tears flowed in time with hers.

"I'm sorry," Mac whispered into the quiet of the room.

Harm snuggled her closer and kissed her hair. "Don't be, sweetie. You have nothing…nothing to be sorry for."

"Oh, Harm," she sighed. She pulled away from him and pushed to her feet, using his shoulder for leverage. She sniffled and swiped a hand over her face. "I'll just clean up in here and then get out of your hair."

Harm stood as well, once again barely stifling his groan as he attempted to stretch out his back.

"Mac," he called after her as she made a move toward the closet.

"I think you'll need to get new shelves. I'll pay for them; just tell me what I owe you," she spoke, ignoring his call to her.

"Mac, stop. You don't need to buy shelves. You don't need to clean anything up."

"It's no problem." She turned to face him, studying him for a moment before suddenly blushing. "Oh…you want…I'm sorry. I'll just go."

"What?" Harm was confused, exhausted by the anticipation of this day, emotionally drained from the events of this afternoon. It made it hard to understand what Mac was saying…until she turned and made it halfway out the door.

"Wait!" He caught up with her in two long strides and grabbed her arm. "No, don't go. I don't want you to go."

"You don't?"

"No, Mac. I don't. I never wanted you to go." He faced at her meaningfully, and by the widening of her eyes, he knew she understood what he meant. He waited for her to turn tail and run, but instead, to his great surprise, she reached out her hand to him.

"Here, sit." Harm gently pushed her down into the rocking chair near Meggie's crib. "Can I get you something to drink?"

Mac started to shake her head, then stopped and opened her mouth. "Maybe some water? I'm feeling a bit dehydrated." She gave him a tiny smile, her puffy, reddened eyes telling the world why she might need fluids.

He returned her smile, feeling a bit dehydrated himself. "I'll be right back."

Harm made his way down the stairs, still a bit nervous Mac would sneak out while he was otherwise occupied. He quickly retrieved two bottles of water from the refrigerator, then took the stairs two at a time, needing to get back to Mac as soon as he could.

As soon as he stepped back into the nursery, he realized he was too late. Mac was gone, the rocking chair empty. How could he have missed her leaving?

"Harm?"

Her voice came from below him, and he looked down to see her sitting on the floor again, Meggie's memory box in her lap. Relieved, Harm lowered himself next to her, setting the water bottles down beside him.

"I've never looked inside this," she whispered, tapping her finger on the lid. Harm noticed the once perfectly manicured nail was broken and ragged, and he suspected other nails had been broken as well as she tore apart the room.

"Do you want to?" He spoke just as softly, and after a brief hesitation, she nodded. When she didn't make a move to open it herself, Harm gently lifted off the lid and set it to the side.

For several moments, Mac gazed down into the box that held the remnants of a life not lived.

That was wrong, though. Meggie had lived. Both her parents had felt her move, right beneath her mother's heart, and Harm could only imagine what it had felt like to feel her from the inside. The only thing he could say for certain was that it would have been beautiful.

During the time Harm had been lost in thought, Mac still had not yet pulled anything from the box. Harm was about to do it for her when she reached in with a shaking hand.

"Ohhh," she breathed as she pulled out one of Meggie's tiny booties. "It's so tiny." She reached in for the other one and held them together in her palm.

Harm swallowed the lump in his throat. "So tiny."

Mac placed the shoes back inside and lifted out the plaster imprints of their baby's feet. She brushed her fingertip over the little indentation, the foot so tiny it was entirely covered by Mac's digit. "I forgot…how small she was."

"She fit in my hand," Harm agreed.

The next thing she removed was the petite silk dress Meggie had worn so briefly. They had had her buried in a gown and blanket quickly crocheted by his grandmother, made just for the baby's minuscule body.

Mac ran her fingers over the white ribbon adorning the gown, then lifted it to her lips. After pressing a light kiss to it, she replaced it and brought out the picture of Meggie alone.

"Oh…oh, my…Harm, she was so, so beautiful." Her eyes welled.

"Of course, she was, sweetheart. She looks just like you."

At that, Mac gave into her tears, and Harm lifted the box from her lap and pulled her into his, letting her cry once more against him.

Shadows of evening were falling upon them when Mac's tears slowed. He eventually lifted her and carried her to their bedroom, laying her down on top of the covers and stretching out beside her. He snuggled her into his side and listened to her breathe, finally dozing off when he was certain she had fallen asleep as well.

Harm's eyes fluttered open in the dark, immediately noticing Mac was no longer beside him. Disappointed but not exactly surprised, he rolled back and turned on his bedside lamp. He blinked owlishly in the sudden brightness as he returned to his side, shocked when he felt the still warm spread beside him. Mac had apparently just left.

Thinking he might catch her, he pushed himself up only to startle when Mac stepped into the bedroom.

"Oh, I woke you up. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he answered sleepily. "I thought you'd left."

"No…but I can—"

"No, Mac. Stay…it's—"

"O-two-hundred."

"Yeah. I don't want you out there this late."

"Okay." She sat down on the bed and swung her legs up, and that's when Harm noticed had the picture of them holding Meggie in her hands. They were both gazing down at their still baby, and though their faces were not facing the camera, he could still see how grief-stricken they were and how shattered and exhausted Mac had been.

"That was the worst day of my life."

"Mine too, Mac."

Mac nodded and gazed down at the picture again. "Do you think she knows?"

"Knows what?"

"That I love her?"

"Of course, she does. Why would you think she doesn't?"

"Be-because I haven't talked about her. I've tried to forget her even though it was impossible. I've never even visited her grave. What kind of mother am I, Harm?"

"Oh, baby…no. No. You are a wonderful mother. You would have been the best mother to our Meggie."

"Our Meggie," Mac sighed. "We were going to be a family, Harm. A beautiful family and I ruined it."

"Mac, your still my family."

"Still, after everything?"

"After everything."

"Harm…I…I don't want a divorce. I—I never did. But you deserved someone so much better, and I had to let you go."

Harm wrapped her in his arms. "Sweetie, when will you understand I don't want anyone else? I've never wanted anyone else, not since I met you, not since we made that baby deal, not since we made Meggie. You're my everything. You broke my heart when you left."

Mac cried out and tried to pull away from him, but he held her fast. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she repeated into his chest.

"It's okay. It's okay. We're going to be okay."

"Are we?" Mac's voice shook with doubt.

"We are."

And for the first time in over a year, he really and truly believed it.

End Chapter 17