Oh.
That was Kai's only coherent thought.
His hands loosened on the sash, and he gave up on it, letting it drift towards the floor.
Cinder let the silence drag out for a few seconds-probably to let Kai process-before clearing her throat. "And in case you weren't sure, I was being sarcastic before about all that 'great' stuff. Not that, I mean—I know you have your own things to worry about, so you don't need to ... I don't ... I'm fine, really. It's just been a rough few weeks with the whole"—she circled her hands wildly through the air in athis is a lotgesture— "Peony-ball-Levana-wedding thing. And now Dr. Erland is dead and Scarlet is gone and Thorne is blind and Wolf ... I'm not sure. He's so still these days and I'm really starting to worry about him. But I've got it under control. I can do this. I'm—"
"Stop. Please stop talking." The rambling, adorable as it was, was cutting through his ability to process her words.
It's me. I'm Princess Selene.
It had been her?
Cinder's mouth was in a tight line. The silence went on.
Cinder opened her mouth, but Kai, not sure what he would hear and what he wanted to hear, held up his hand. She chewed down on her lower lip-the same way, he noticed, as she'd done the day of the market.
"You?" he finally said, not sure what else he was to say. "You are Princess Selene?"
Grimacing, she rubbed at her wrist as if it would loosen up the conversation . "Surprise?" There was the sarcasm.
"All this time?" He couldn't quite believe it—as if he would reach out to touch her and she'd vanish, nothing more than a dream.
It was you.
She ducked her head, bashfulness climbing up her face. He knew he was staring at her but didn't want to stop. "Um, yeah, technically. Dr. Erland figured it out first, when I was taken in for the cyborg draft. He ran my DNA and ... yeah. But he decided not to tell me until I was locked up in prison, which complicated a few things."
Kai laughed—a genuine laugh only she could coax out of him. Then the pieces clicked faster. "Oh, stars. Levana knows, doesn't she? That's why she hates you so much. That's why she's so determined to find you."
"Yeah, she knows."
"And it was you. This whole time, it was you." He wanted to step closer and reach out, just to be sure.
"You're actually taking this better than I thought you would."
He dragged both hands down his face. "No, you know, it almost makes sense. Kind of."Dr. Erland's note. The fact that she'd run."Although ... somehow, I always pictured the princess ... I don't know. In a dress." It was a stupid thing to say, and embarrassment clawed at him a second later.
Cinder laughed, though—and he felt a strange thump in his chest at the vibrant sound.
"And I always thought that when I found her, it would be so easy. We would just ... present her to the world and announce her as the true queen, and Levana would crawl away to some hole. I never imagined that Levana would already know. That she would be fighting it." Looking back on it, thathadbeen ridiculously naive.
She quirked an eyebrow. "I'm beginning to think you may not know your fiancée very well." This prompted a strange mixture of embarrassment and annoyance.
He scowled at her, refusing to be bullied. "That's it, Cinder. No more secrets. I don't know if I can survive any more big reveals from you, so if you have anything else to tell me, out with it. Right now." He'd never felt more like a leader.
Cinder rocked back on her heels. He could see she was deep in thought.
Something on her face gave away unspoken words—something she would never say. She opened her mouth, lips curving with different words than the ones she finally said.
"I can't cry," she whispered, as though bracing for impact.
Kai blinked, then unwittingly reached up to scratch his ear. "I already knew that."And I'm so sorry. YOU don't deserve it. Not you.
"What? How?" She looked as though she would cry, if she could.
"Your guardian may have said something about it. And I ... I've seen your medical records." His gut twisted—in sympathy, not disgust.
"My—" Her eyes widened with panic. "You've seen ... you know...?"
Why do you think it matters to me?
"You were a fugitive and I needed to know more about you and I ... I'm sorry."Sorry that I didn't understand before. I was an idiot.
She squeezed her eyes shut, trembling. Probably wondering what he had thought. What he had seen.
Whether he would always see the same thing when he looked at her.
"No, it's all right," she said. "No more secrets."
He felt a hint of smugness at these words.
She trusted him.
He took a step toward her, curiosity getting the better of him. "Your eyes ... are they really...?"
"Synthetic," she murmured, squeezing her arms around herself.
"And that's why you can't cry?"
She nodded, her eyes not quite meeting his. He moved to step in front of her, finally trying to check if this was real, ifshewas real.
And she wasthere.
Just close enough to touch. His fingers itched, needing to at least try.
He shook himself.Don't be a creep.
"I don't need the tear ducts for lubrication, and they were getting in the way of ... um." She tapped a finger against her temple, gesturing. "I have a retina scanner and display in my eye. It's like a really small netscreen, so there's a lot of wiring. Oh, stars, I can't believe I'm telling you this." She buried her face in her hands, her bashfulness warming his heart.
I like that you're telling me this.
"It's kind of brilliant," he told her, meaning it. Now, it was always the truth with her.
She choked with laughter. That laugh was something worth hearing.
Unable to resist the temptation, Kai reached for her at last. "Can I see?"
She groaned in mortification. Kai couldn't help wishing she'd be a little more willing to share.
He gently pulled her hands away from her face, resisting the urge to run his thumbs over her wrists. Looking into the brown depths that had haunted his dreams, he tried to imagine a netscreen, wiring, a control panel.
It was unbelievable in the best sort of way.
But he couldn't see any of it.
Fighting a twinge of disappointment, he told her, "You'd never even know."
Cinder raised her eyes to the ceiling, looking as if she were at war with herself.
Please show me.
"Watch the bottom of my left iris," she whispered at last. He dropped his gaze there. He watched closely, observing every shade of brown, every fleck. But still, nothing.
But then he saw it. A small flash of light in those infinite depths. "There's ... is that...?"
"Newsfeed."
"It's so small. Just a dot, really." It was amazing. Just like she was.
"It looks a lot bigger to me."
The moment seemed to change after that. Kai didn't know when or how, but suddenly he'd stopped looking at her synthetic eyes, or the newsfeed. He wasn't looking at anything but her, needing to memorize every angle of that face, every layer of brown in those eyes. The fall of her hair over her face and the embarrassed part of her lips all together were making his heart thump in a strange way.
And she seemed to realize it.
Kai licked his lips, not sure what had prompted him to do it. "I'm sorry I had you arrested. But I'm glad you're all right."
"Really? You don't hate me for ... shooting you?"
He felt his mouth twitch.
I could never hate you.
Remembering the gun from earlier, he reached for her cyborg hand with both of his own. Despite the metal, it felt like one of the mosthumanthings he'd ever touched. "I don't remember that medical diagram saying anything about a gun. My security team probably would have found that to be useful information."
"I like to maintain an air of mystery."
"I've noticed." It was one of the things he'd always loved about her.
His thumb had a mind of its own, absently tracing each finger. He didn't stop it. "The hand is new," she whispered, not moving an inch.
"It appears to be excellent craftsmanship." He could hardly tell what he was saying, why his voice had dropped to a low murmur.
"It's plated with one-hundred percent titanium." Her voice was still lowered to a whisper, neither of them paying attention to what they were saying, focusing on each other.
Kai didn't know what he was doing, and he didn't care any longer. He bent his head and pressed a kiss into the metal of her hand. A small twitch of pleasure ran through him.
Do it.
A voice accompanied by a dangerous idea was growing at the back of his head.
His more logical side warned him of the consequences, screaming at him that this was a bad idea.
But then again,shewas dangerous.
And likely a bad idea.
When had that ever stopped him? It wasn't like he had anything left to lose.
And he couldn't leave that question trapped in his head forever.
"Cinder?" Resolve had settled. He needed to. Wanted to.
"Mm?"
He lifted his gaze. "Just to be clear, you're not using your mind powers on me right now, are you?" He felt ridiculous even asking, but he needed to be sure.
She blinked, looking almost hurt. "Of course not."
"Just checking."Do. It.
That was all he needed.
Then, before he could second-guess himself, he drew her closer by the waist and kissed her.
Cinder let out a gasp stifled against his mouth. He couldn't help delighting in the soft sound-like a startled bird. He pulled her a little closer, never wanting to let go again. Every unspoken word, everyalmost, every wish-all of it was in this moment.
And Cinder seemed to realize it too. With breathtaking hesitancy, she slid her arms from his chest and strung them around his neck. Molding their bodies together.
Then, just as soon as it started, it ended.
Cinder opened her eyes and wrenched herself away as if he were a carrier of the plague.
Kai started. A tranquility had settled over him that he hadn't felt in months in those short moments-and it had ended far too soon. "Wha—"
"I'm sorry." She started to tremble, her eyes unfocused.
It was only then he realized what he'd done.
Idiot.
He hadn't thought of how it would affect her. How much struggle she'd been through, and now he was making her deal with all ofthis.
He let a moment pass, and when Cinder didn't make a move, he cleared his throat, overwhelmed with the disappointment and regret. "No. No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"
"No!" She grabbed his shirt, sending a thrill through him. "It's not—It's Levana."
Levana.
Of course this was about her.
"She's ... she's retaliated. She attacked...oh,shit." She tore her hands away like she'd been burnt and used them to cover her face. Kai wasn't envious of whatever she was seeing right now.
"Cinder—where? Where did she strike?"
"Africa. The town..." She gulped. "The people that helped us."
Cinder released a guttural scream, grabbing a wrench and flinging it at the wall. She reached for another tool, but Kai grabbed her wrist.
Don't lose her. Keep her calm.
"Has she put forth any demands?" he said, masking his voice with the calm he needed her to feel.
She clenched her fists, trembling with overflowing fury. "I don't know. I just know they're all dead. Because of me. Because they helped me." She crouched, covering her head.
Still shaking with fury and guilt.
"Cinder." He stretched a hand towards her.
"This is my fault." She was always blaming herself.
He hesitated, then set a hand on the curve of her back. "You didn't kill them."
"I might as well have."
"Did they know the risk they were taking when they helped you? The danger they'd be in?"
She turned her head away, refusing to see reason.
"Maybe they did it because they believed in you. Because they thought the risk was worth it."
"Is this supposed to be helping?"
Dammit.
"Cinder—"
"You want to know another secret? The biggest secret? I'm scared, Kai. I'm so scared." She sat down, her legs in front of her. At this moment, with her arms around her waist, she looked more delicate and breakable than Kai had ever seen her. "I'm scared of her, and her army, and what she can do. And everyone expects me to be strong and brave, but I don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea how to overthrow her. And even if I succeed, I have no idea how to be a queen. There are so many people relying on me, people who don't even know they're relying on me, and now they're dying, all because of some ridiculous fantasy that I can help them, that I can save them, but what if I can't?"
Kai knew what she meant.
Even if she didn't believe him.
And...she didn't always have to be strong.
Maybe he could prove it now.
He hesitated for a brief second before dropping down beside her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug.
She offered no resistance, pressing her face into his shirt. He had the distinct impression that she'd be crying right now, if she could. Still, it helped that she wasn't pushing him away.
"I know exactly how you feel," he told her. Another thing he meant.
She squeezed her eyes shut, still in denial. "Not exactly."
"I think pretty close."
She shook her head. "No, you don't understand."Oh, I do.
But then her next words made him understand.
"More than anything, I'm afraid that ... the more I fight her and the stronger I become, the more I'm turning into her."
Kai sat on his heels, pulling back to face her. H may not know many things about her, but he was sure that he knewthis. "You're not turning into Levana."
"Are you sure about that? Because I manipulated your adviser today, and countless guards. I manipulated Wolf. I ... I killed a police officer, in France, and I would have killed more people if I'd had to, people in your own military, and I don't even know if I would feel bad about it, because there are always ways to justify it. It's for the good of everyone, isn't it? Sacrifices have to be made. And then there are the mirrors, such a stupid, stupid thing, but they—I'm beginning to get it. Why she hates them so much. And then—" She shuddered. "Today, I tortured her thaumaturge. I didn't just manipulate her. I tortured her. And I almost enjoyed it."
"Cinder, look at me." He cupped her face.Would it be weird if I told you none of that changes how I feel about you?"I know you're scared, and you have every right to be. But you are not turning into Queen Levana."
"You can't know that."
"But I do."
"She's my aunt, you know."Oh, that's gross.
He hadn't given it much thought before, but now...
He smoothed back her hair. "Yeah, well, my great-grandfather signed the Cyborg Protection Act. And yet, here we are."
She bit her lip, probably nervous he was beginning to establish just what was going on between them.
"Now, let's never talk about you being related to her again. Because I'm technically still engaged to her, and that's really weird."
Cinder laughed, a warm sound he folded into his memory, determined to hear it again. Determined to coax it out of her. He folded her into the tightest hug possible, holding her together as much as she was holding him.
The anger and tension of the previous moments had been replaced with an intimacy that felt almost fragile in this small, stolen moment.
"You won't tell anyone, will you?" she murmured, sending vibrations into his chest.
"I won't."I wouldn't dream of it.
"And if it turns out I make a terrible princess?" He could understand her fear, her need to do well. He'd often felt the same inadequacy.
He shrugged. "The people of Luna don't need a princess. They need a revolutionary."
Cinder furrowed her brow. "A revolutionary," she repeated, turning it over on her tongue. He was proud to have given that to her, a sort of gift to show her who she really was to herself.
But then the door zipped open.
Cinder and Kai practically shoved away from each other, and Kai scrambled to his feet rather ungracefully. Not a great look for the emperor.
The blond girl stood in the doorway, cheeks flushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "But the newsfeeds—Levana—"
"I know," said Cinder, rising to her feet. "I know about Farafrah."
She shook her head, eyes wide with panic. "It isn't just Farafrah. Their ships are swarmingevery continent. Thousands of soldiers are invading the cities. Her other soldiers." She shuddered so hard she had to grasp the door frame. "They're like animals, like predators."
"What is Earth doing?" asked Kai, attempting to recover from his flushed state. "Are we defending ourselves?"
"They're trying. All six countries have declared a state of war. Evacuations are being ordered, military is assembling—"
"All six?"
She pushed her hair off her brow nervously. "Konn Torin has temporarily assumed the role of leader of the Commonwealth ... until your return."
Kai turned to face Cinder, trusting her in this crucial moment. Always trusting and believing her, no matter how implausible it was.
"I think it's about time you told me about this plan," he said.
Cinder curled her hands into tight fists, knuckles whitening. He could hear her brain spinning, face pinched in a sharp expression he'd come to be familiar with.
This is war.
The words had never felt this heavy, or this real.
"You said yourself that the people of Luna need a revolutionary." She lifted her chin to meet his eyes, holding his gaze in that way that made him feel like he was daring him. "So I'm going to Luna, and I'm going to start a revolution."
There's my girl.