The pain was excruciating. I felt fire rising in my throat, burning every inch of my body. Some substance was invading my veins and contaminating my entire nervous system. I'd never prayed for death so ferocioisly. I thrashed and kicked and screamed for what seemed like a lifetime. I knew I was lost and that God had turned his back on me. The creature had made a deal with the devil to take my soul. I only longed for a peaceful death. For the pain to go away so that I would have a glimpse of hope to meet my maker.
A soft voice spoke and pulled me from my personal hell. "Pa?" it asked quietly. I resurfaced from my nightmare and felt a warm hand on mine. Ness's angelic face came into view and I smiled in relief.
"Forgive me, Ness, I don't wish to upset you with my memories" I noticed we were sat outside on the garden bench Emmett had carved for us. Ness was watching the birds, always fascinated by nature, as well as curious to know what each creature tasted like. I shuddered at the thought. As much as I had accepted this life, I, like Edward had never truly been comfortable drinking the blood of an animal. Any animal was a temptation to me now, now that I had quenched my thirst for human blood. No matter what my body was telling me, my heart was repulsed by the idea of hurting another human being.
"It's okay, Pa. I'm actually quite fascinated to hear the personal accounts of how a human is changed into a vampire. Everyone else in the family I speak to shies away from talking about it. Like it's some deep, dark secret"
I sighed, my heart feeling heavy. "It is of course unnatural, Renesmee. This life should only be given if the chance of a human life is truly over. That's the stance I have always adopted." Truly, I did wonder sometimes if I made the right decision to do things that way. To engage in changing at all seeing as no human really had the choice. Except our Bella, who knew she was destined for this life from the moment she fell in love with Edward. I smiled at the miracle that was their love story and the gift that was our Ness. Our special vampire hybrid, the one who was the most humane of us all.
Ness saw me smiling adoringly at her. "What is it, Pa?" I told her my thoughts and slight envy that she was more human than we'd ever be and she crinkled her face and looked quizically at me. "That's not true, Pa. I may have blood in my veins, but you are the most human vampire I've ever met"
"Why do you say that sweetie?"I asked puzzled.
"Because you are the one who has been averse all these years to human blood. You are the most humane of us all" she gave me a dazzling smile and I was so in awe of her perceptiveness. It also made me wonder if that was the reason my human memories were so strong. I could recall them like they were yesterday. Maybe because my desire to never lose myself outweighed any temptations or distractions that an immortal life could offer me.
I remembered the pain in the sewer. I remember how I finally succumbed to drinking the blood of a rat that was unfortunate to cross my path when I was metaphorically dying of thirst.For days, I hid in the sewer, praying to Gis to end me and spare my agony. I never slept so I was hoping it was nothing more than a bad dream. But fatigue never came. Hours came and went, it was like a never ending nightmare. This was it, I was damned. This was my afterlife now but I was stuck down here rather than trascending up there to be with the Lord. He'd never accept me now. I was damned like one of Lucifer's followers. A fallen angel. I looked angelic. Beautiful hands, I hadn't seen my face but I knew I was not one of God's angels. I was a pretender. This was a facade. Damnation had claimed me.
I looked upon people in the outside world from the shadows of darkness. One night I even saw my father parading the streets in anguish. I had no idea why he was so upset until I heard him cry my name. "Carlisle, Carlisle, my son! Where are you?" I wanted to show myself to him but I knew I could not. I could not believe he even cared to know where I was now. I heard his voice getting louder. No! He was entering the sewer. He was alone. He had a pitchfork and a torch. The flames licked him as he made his way through the dark tunnels. I stayed out of sight but agreed with myself to be his guardian angel. A dark angel but an angel nevertheless.
As he came deeper into the sewer and called for me, his calls became more desperate. He was in pain, emotional pain. "I won't leave you Carlisle, I know you're here somewhere. Please God may my son be still alive!" If I could have cried, tears would have escaped my eyes that moment. I never knew he loved me till then.
He came to an opening in the larger room where I'd originally been changed. I hadn't visited for a long time but wondered if my creator had came back to dwell here often. Father collapsed on the floor in a large reeking puddle of water. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he mourned my loss. I was so distracted by his grief that I almost didn't notice the predator ready to prowl. He was lurking in the shadows. He was my creator. I gasped. He came out of the shadows and towered over my father. A laugh bellowed from his throat.
"Well, well well, how the mighty have fallen. There is no relief for you pastor for damning your son to hell!" he slowly approached my father who was scared but stood his ground.
"Like me demon you can be turned to ash through fire." he said boldly. My creator laughed again.
"As if you could outmanouver me! I am lightning fast, you old fool!"
The realisation brought an involuntary hiss to my throat.
My creator turned a laughed hard in my direction. "Come out, son. Come show this pastor what you've become"
I walked out reluctantly and hung my head in shame. My father didn't recognise the change instantly and made his way towards me but his face fell the closer he got.
"No! No no, not my son! Carlisle! What has he done to you?"
My melodic voice answered instantly. "He spared my life father, but damned me to this" i held out my hands and my father was taken aback. He noticed the change in my voice, my skin, my eyes.
"Monster." he whispered horrified.
"No, you insolent fool!" my creator barked back. "Look at his eyes! Are they blood red like mine? Do you know why they aren't? Why he is different?"
Father looked curiously. "Amber. Carlisle, why are they amber?" I didn't even know, I'd never seen my reflection and turned to my fellow vampire to explain.
"He does not succumb to his urges and drink from humans but rather chooses to drink from animals instead" he replied with an amused grin.
Father looked at me and his expression softened. He looked almost hopeful.
"But, as you can see mine are red and I find humans particularly mouth watering" snarled my creator.
I crouched ready to attack but pleaded first "please brother, not my father"
"I never wish to hurt you, dear Carlisle but I cannot deny my urges. Besides, this human is a stain on humanity. His only good deed was bringing a good soul like you into this dark world."
I was protecting my father in an instant. As a new vampire, my speed was incomphrehensible. I crouched defensively in front of him baring my teeth.
"You want to go against your own kind to protect this worthless creature, so be it. But you won't succeed Carlisle. I will have him."I snarled louder, ready to attack.
He moved quickly but I moved faster. I didn't even think but lunged for his throat and bit his cold icy flesh which cracked instantly under my razor sharp teeth. As he went down, I gasped. I couldn't believe I murdered someone. The same creature that granted me clemency. But I knew I had no choice.
I turned to my father who looked horrified. Wordlessly, I took his torch and threw it on the creature's icy remains.I sat watching him burn. After what seemed like forever, father sat beside me.
"Thank you for what you did" he piped up, a hint of fear in his voice.
"you risked your life coming here father, yoy shouldn't have come"
Father looked at me astonished and chuckled "well this new life has certainly made you more sure of yourself. I don't ever remember you giving me orders or advice."
I chuckled too. I realised my musical laugh must have sounded strange to him but mesmerizing too.
"how are your flock doing these days?" i asked.
"Really? After all you've been through, you're still thinking of others first rather than yourself?"
I shrugged. My father tried to put his hand on mine but I moved it away.
"What's wrong son?"
"I'm ignoring the urges and it's easier because it's you but I still have a pang in my throat. The thirst is still there particularly with a human beside me"
He understood and backed away. But he was curious to know about my new life so I told him everything I knew so far.
"I understand it would be difficult for you to live among us but could you try? Come back to the house, I'll see if I can help you"
I shook my head but my father's pleading eyes persuaded me. Daylight had come as I now saw a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I could smell the fresh air and felt hopeful for the first time. My father hadn't abandoned me and wanted me with him. But that hope was short lived as I noticed my skin start to ferociously glisten as I held my hand out into the sunlight. I gasped and shruk back into the tunnel. My father looked painfully at me and did something he'd never done before. He pulled me into a deep hug and I held onto him for dear life. He looked in my eyes and made me a promise I'll never forget "I won't give up on you, my boy! For the rest of my days, I will pray for your soul and let your kind live in peace. If there is a chance there is one other humane creature like you, I will spare them all"
I held him close and knew this was the last time I'd ever see him. Now he knew about me, it would make things so much more complicated and it would be safer if I disappeared into the night. As he turned to bid me final farewell, I bid farewell to my life in London.