Happy Monday everyone!

Finally, Lara and Cullen have their first encounter since the War Room.

Still an intense chapter but at least we're in Skyhold and our two lovers are reunited.
I have no intentions on separating them again. Not after the Deep Roads.

Thank you for all your love and support in the meantime. Especially after those darker chapters. It never goes unnoticed x

Without further ado...

—-

Chapter 44:

This moment was now written on his list of many things he had to atone for. To earn forgiveness for. Only it wasn't the Maker's forgiveness he needed; it was Lara's. This was worse than he expected and it shattered him more than he believed it would. It stole the air from his lungs, leaving an intense ache. It caused his legs to buckle, he could barely hold himself up. Even under her clothes he could tell skin and bones would greet him. How much had she vomited? Did she even eat? The sunken cheekbones answered that question for him. She was void of color, void of life. Only a skeleton of her stood before him and he could barely look at her without losing his composure.

You didn't have to hear her screams every fucking night!

Had her nightmares destroyed her this much? Of course they did. He knew all too well the death grip his nightmares held him in. The exhaustion it left him with after being stuck with them in his sleep for so long. The way it leached into his waking moments. Her nightmares left her vomiting and screaming according to Rylen. It was his fault. He had done this to her. He didn't know which hurt him more; seeing her like this or knowing he made her like this. It wasn't her nightmares that destroyed her; it was him. He destroyed her and the pain that truth carried…he suddenly wished his withdrawals had taken him. Death would have been better than enduring this.

"That's who you're asking forgiveness from?" Lara spoke, breaking the silence.

Slowly, he lifted his head, taking her in no matter how much it pained him. Anger was bubbling inside her, he could sense it. He had a knack for sparking anger out of her whenever she was a shell of herself. If that's what it took to bring her back, then he would play on her anger. If it meant she felt anything at all towards him, he would take that anger.

"I do not deserve your forgiveness but words cannot even begin to explain how sorry I am for what I've done to you," Cullen replied, pleading.

"You left me there," She whispered, staring at him in an emotion Cullen was unsure of.

He could have sworn it was shock. Perhaps at his appearance. His appearance had turned ghastly and after that first sight of his reflection once he was able to stand, he refused to look at himself anymore. Refused to acknowledge how much his withdrawals had taken from him. Instead, he tried to focus on healing but Lara's state now made that impossible. Or maybe it was shock from the fact that he had done this to her.

"Lara, I'm so sorry. I had no idea what happened to you until it was too late," His voice shook.

Painfully, he lifted himself up off the bed, his muscles still protesting. Careful steps echoed between them as he closed the distance, nearing her. He didn't dare approach too fast, not wanting to take her off guard. Not wanting to scare her. When she was like this, there was no knowing what she would do. He feared she would run off and wouldn't see her for days, or weeks. Right now, he didn't want to give her space or time even if she might need it. All he wanted was to embrace her, keep her here, and heal them both. Together. If it was ever a time they needed each other, it was now.

Silence yet she held his gaze, staring wide eyed at him. Thankfully, she made no attempt to step away from him. No attempt to create more distance as he approached. The exit was in full view yet she didn't run towards it. By the Maker, he was grateful for that small seed of hope even if he didn't deserve it. His hand brushed her cheek gently. By some miracle, she didn't pull away or flinch at his touch, but her skin was cool to the touch, which filled him with sorrow.

"All of this is my fault, and I am so fucking sorry," He pleaded as he rested his forehead on hers.

A shudder erupted from her as he cursed. It was so rare that he did but it was the only way he could express how sorry he was. Words escaped him to explain the guilt that tore him up, the shame that ate him alive, and the sorrow that was drowning him. He had no idea how he was going to fix this, how he was going to help her. How could he when he couldn't even help himself?

"Blood?" She whispered as she took in his scent.

"Nosebleeds," He replied.

She pulled her head back, her wide eyed expression enhanced by his admission. The metallic tang of blood still sang on his tongue, coated his throat when he swallowed. Today he had been clear of them, but he never knew when it would make a reappearance, especially after having a nightmare. No more secrets. He wouldn't keep anything from her. The more he did, the more he tried to hide the less desirable parts of him, the more damage he did between them.

"Is that a symptom?" She asked, hesitating.

"Unfortunately," He nodded.

That expression turned dark and immediately Cullen felt something twist in his stomach. Cold, pure anger now written on her face. But he would take it. Needed something from her to know she still felt something towards him. It was the hollowness he couldn't stand.

"How long have you been suffering that you kept this from me? I told you to stop keeping things from me, to stop protecting me," She hissed, narrowing her eyes at him.

"You mean similar to how you keep things from me? Because I have my own demons? How many times have I asked you to let me carry some of it for you!" Cullen bit back and immediately regretted it.

His temper was another less desirable side effect. The tempting need for even just a drop of lyrium was enough to have his nerves frayed. While he was weak, the craving was even worse. Knowing he couldn't have it often sent him into a world of anger he hated. Despised. How low he felt to snap at others all because he had an addiction. An addiction that clung to him because it was part of his duty to serve. A substance he abused that now controlled his life, plucked days off his life one by one the further he ingested it. The hit of power that came from it was addicting and at some sick moments, he sometimes missed that power he had. This was what he was now reduced to.

Lara only stared back at him wide-eyed again and he wished he could make it go away. How that expression twisted at him, pained him. Why he ever thought he could handle being near lyrium mines when his symptoms already plagued him was beyond him. With that recklessness, he had destroyed Lara. The remains of what survived down there now before him.

"So you abandon me because of it?" Her lips trembled as she spoke.

Somehow, oxygen stopped existing. The air sucked out of the room the moment she spoke those words. He never had his heart shatter before but he was sure this was what it felt like. Intense pain as if it were ripped out of its place, only to be left with an aching emptiness. Her one fear…and all the hard work he had done to convince her he wouldn't was for nothing. He had done the very thing she feared. Abandonment.

A stray tear rolled down his cheek. Lara remained motionless, her gaze still fixed on him. He had never shed a tear in front of anyone, but after the blow she dealt, he couldn't hold himself together. How did he end up here? Why didn't he stop this from happening? Had he been so blind that he hadn't considered her? Truly, he didn't deserve her.

"Lara…" His voice was hoarse as he called out to her.

"Did you take any?" She asked, bracing herself for the answer.

Now it was his turn for his eyes to go wide. Surely she knew the effects of lyrium. She had been around templars and knew the drunken power they exhibited when they had their fill. The state before her was the complete opposite. But she wanted the truth, and he would give it. No matter how ridiculous. However, it piqued his curiosity as to what led her to think he had taken any.

"I think you know what lyrium does to a templar. The power it gives them. What part of me now makes you think I took any?" Cullen shook his head.

"That doesn't answer my question," She replied.

"No. I begged Solas to put me out of my misery once and he immediately denied me. I crave it because I am weak. Once I recover, I can get past the cravings," Cullen explained.

"Am I enough to keep you from it?" She hesitated, eyeing him carefully.

"Maker, Lara...what kind of question is that?" Cullen stood up straight.

Where in the Maker's name is this coming from?

"Am I enough?" She pleaded, a sob cutting through.

Cullen didn't miss the way her lip trembled, the way her hands curled into fists, as if trying to keep her emotions shut. As if to shove them back down where they came from, ignoring their existence. He was putting a stop to this now. To whatever dark corner her mind was lurking, to whatever thoughts she was holding onto that she believed to be true even when they weren't. Tenderly, he cupped her face with his hands.

"Lara, listen to me. You are more than enough. I quit before I even knew you existed and it was torture. It almost killed me and at one point, I was near enough to lick it. It sent me into a frenzy. Then you stumbled into my life and one look at you…I knew I had to change. If I was to be a better man, I had to change. There would be no life with you if lyrium was involved and I would not allow you to slip through my fingers. I would choose you everytime. The light to my dark. It is easier with you by my side," Cullen rested his forehead against hers once more.

SIlence, broken only by the rhythm of their hearts beating and their combined breathing. He felt her soaking up every word he spoke, breaking them down, savoring them. He hoped that it would speak to her, heal something deep inside her. He was grateful that she was still here, that she allowed his touches, his words.

"Cullen…" She whispered.

"Talk to me," He pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I can't," She shook her head, shutting her eyes.

The cold air enveloped him, sending a chill down his spine. Lara had slipped out of his grasp without warning, creating distance between them. Those emerald eyes shone through the tears that welled there, but she was fighting to keep them from spilling. Whether that was good or bad, he wasn't sure. Wounded. She was so wounded and he had done that. He knew where this was going and the thought of another night in an empty bed when they were under the same roof ate him alive. So much he wanted to tell her, to share his past in the hopes it would keep her here but he shut it down. Time. She needed time.

"Is it goodbye already? Please let me make this right," Cullen begged.

Lara took one last look at him and he soaked in her gaze. Let himself get lost in those emerald eyes one more time. How he missed them. The way he melted under them. The way they comforted him.

"It's goodnight, not goodbye," Was all she said.

"I never thought I'd see the color green again," Cullen couldn't stop himself.

Her eyes widened for a beat, knowing his meaning. He didn't miss the way her lips slightly parted, the way her body leaned towards him for a second before catching herself. And with that moment of weakness he captured, she took that as her sign to leave, taking any seed of hope with her. That night, in the solitude of his own space, he allowed himself to cry, hoping it would release everything bottled up inside him and leave him a clear mind to find a way forward.

—-

Cullen was cleared to leave the infirmary but his office posed a problem, namely the ladder. His muscles were still too weak to haul himself up and down. The recovery process was a slow one which haunted Lara. His appearance had broken something within her. Still, she resisted from reaching out to him. From breaking down in front of him. Dorian had been there when she fell apart after their encounter. Gabriel had also comforted her.

Despite everything, she couldn't resist him. She could hardly believe she agreed to have the Commander in her quarters. The stairs at least required less effort than the ladder. Only his essentials were moved in plus a separate bed for him. Sleeping in the same bed was too much for her, it would only cloud her judgement. Cullen didn't protest and she didn't know whether that upset her or eased her.

"I've never been in your quarters before," He commented once he was situated.

"I never invited you, have I?" She asked, not looking at him.

"I haven't exactly given you a chance to. I always tell you to come to me," He replied softly.

Those words pulled at her. How she wanted to go to him, to have him wrap his arms around her and hold her close. Yet she was so angry at him. He had left her and she didn't know how she would forgive him for it. For knowing she was down there, knowing what she was enduring. He didn't save her. Anger gripped her and she didn't know how to let it go. Not after she had tapped into it.

"Lara, tell me what I need to do," He pleaded, breaking the silence.

"Just recover," She replied quickly.

It was a shitty answer but it would at least keep him occupied. Give him something to focus on that wasn't her. His sigh caused her body to tremble. It was going to be difficult with him around but she would make sure she wouldn't cross that line. The only thing that terrified her was her nightmares. His nightmares. She hadn't considered it until now but it was too late. Maybe somewhere along the line, this would bring them together. Force them to reconcile.

Cullen still remained a gentleman. He prepared a bath for her and even brought them dinner. It was a silent dinner which Lara hated. The silence haunted her. That darkness within her came to life whenever it was silent but she was secretly grateful Cullen was around. That someone was around. It meant it wouldn't take her even if it gripped her tightly.

—-

The past week hadn't been a pleasant one. Nightmares plagued her in her sleep, oftentimes ending up with her spewing and gasping for air. Cullen never commented but Lara didn't miss the clean bucket in the morning and the small portion of mint left on her bedside. She swore it might've been the elf who still wanted to serve Lara despite her protests but the pickled eggs alongside her breakfast answered her suspicions. Cullen was still caring for her despite his need to recover. She knew his daytime naps were because of her nightmares. Yet he never complained or showed any annoyance. The guilt never came.

Food still carried a foul taste that almost made her gag everytime she attempted to eat. It did nothing to help her condition except adding to the weight she already lost. She was swallowed whole by that darkness with no surface in sight. A piece of her was lost in the Deep Roads and she didn't know how to retrieve it or if she even wanted that part of her back. She had no time to dwell on it as both Vivienne and Dorian cornered her in the courtyard outside the steps before she could ascend to her quarters.

"You really were not joking about the severity of it, dear," Vivienne spoke aloud as she took in Lara.

Dorian only sighed but said nothing.

"Of what?" Lara asked, annoyed. Vivienne was the last person she wanted to see.

"You, of course," Vivienne waved a hand up and down at her. "This will just not do."

Lara tightened her lips together. It wouldn't be wise to go against Vivienne, who could play the Game all too well. Lara was in no capacity to spar, physically or mentally. She barely had enough energy to get through the day.

"What she is trying to say, my dear, is perhaps you need a holiday. Or even a spa," Dorian intervened.

"Why the fuck would I go there?" Lara grimaced.

"How absurd a question. You clearly could do with some freshening up and pampering. Think of it as a small holiday," Vivienne tried to offer a smile.

"And you don't think I get a say?"

"You would just refuse," Dorian added.

"So what if I do," Lara shrugged.

"I believe your Commander would approve of it if I ask him," Vivienne said confidently.

That snapped something inside of her, causing her anger to go haywire igniting a blazing fire within her.

"Stay away from him," She hissed.

Dorian shook his head, knowing this wasn't going to end well. This was clearly a set up. They had discussed this behind her back. Was anyone on her side anymore? Despite being surrounded, she had never felt more alone.

"He's worried about you. We all are and we're not sure how to help. Some time away might do you some good," Dorian tried to reassure her.

"You thought wrong. No one cared about my best interest before sending me down there so don't pretend to care now," She snapped.

Dorian stiffened at her remark and she knew her hit landed where she wanted it to. She turned to walk away, leaving them all behind. The guilt shook her. Dorian didn't deserve it, not after all he had done, but that hurt had settled deep in her bones. How dare they decide what's best for her when they didn't even know how to help her? Relief was a step away from making itself known until…

"Don't answer that, dear. I know a wounded animal when I see one," Vivienne remarked.

How dare she…

She halted, turning around so swiftly she nearly lost her balance.

"I am NOT a wounded animal!" She yelled, and an intense tug on her arm caused her to wince.

Her anger flared her Anchor, threatening those around her. Warning them what she could do if they dared to test her. She didn't even care if it was towards Vivienne, the very same person who didn't give a shit if her Inquisitor was thrown in a Circle. In fact, she would happily throw her there herself if given the chance.

"Enough provoking her," Solas had appeared by her side.

His long fingers wrapped around her hand, magic flowing from them, and slowly the Anchor dissipated until it disappeared. That flare of anger now sizzled out with it, leaving her hollow again.

"That magic she carries is dangerous and a threat to us all. Were you not the one who promised it was under control?" Vivienne arched an eyebrow.

"That magic is the very same reason why we are still alive in this world and not the Elder One's future. It is of no concern to you what state it is in," Solas narrowed his eyes at her.

It seemed only Solas was on her side, even if he didn't appear too impressed.

"It is certainly of my concern should she turn into an abomination and kill us all. Not to mention that demon lurking around here also poses a threat," Vivienne continued.

"Cole is not a demon, he is a spirit," Solas replied coldly.

"It makes no difference to me," Vivienne shrugged him off.

Lara didn't miss the flash of anger that appeared on Solas's face. Something ancient, something powerful. It sent a shiver down her spine and immediately she buried her suspicions. Now was not the time to dig deeper into them. It provoked emotions in her she didn't wish to face. Blackwall had been enough of a shock, she didn't know if she could handle anyone else's secrets. Dorian broke the heavy silence that now hung.

"Well, this was not the turn of events I expected. My dear, we are truly worried about you. I myself am at a loss and I don't normally admit that," Dorian started, taking steps towards her.

Solas scoffed at his remark. His fingers still wrapped around her hand, Lara took comfort in it. She could've sworn Solas was trying to protect her.

"Please consider it," Dorian pleaded.

How weak she was. She couldn't say no to Dorian. Not after all he had done for her down in those depths.

—-

Screeches bled her ears, her legs burning as she ran through the caverns of the Deep Roads. Fire blazed around them in these depths and she tried to avoid any flame that flickered in her path. There was no distance between her and those screeches no matter how fast she tried to escape. They were too fast and she was too slow. Too damn weak. She cried out in despair, in the hopes that someone would hear her, would save her. No one came.

A grasp so tight, so deathly, gripped her causing her to stumble. The darkspawn had caught her. Surrounded her. She didn't dare think what they would do with her. What they would turn her into. Burning herself alive was the better option than becoming what she knew was a captured female's fate. Screams emanated from her as she tried to fight out of their grip but she only used up what little strength she had. Her body dragged across the floor, much like she had been dragged away when her parents rid themselves of her in the Circle. Only then she hadn't screamed. Hadn't fought back. The shock of what her parents had done was too much to bear that she had become a dead weight in the templars grasp.

She shut her eyes tightly wishing to be anywhere but here. Wishing to be anywhere but in this nightmare. The screeches subsided, the fire's warmth faded. Slowly, her eyes opened and she turned to face the templars who had dragged her away from…

Her parents. Cold anger now rumbled throughout her body as she faced them. Dared to look at their traitorous faces. They didn't know what she was capable of, what power she held in the palm of her hand. They wanted to get rid of her….not if she got rid of them first. Let them know how much their daughter was a mage, what magic she possessed. No longer was she that scared and terrified young girl that had experienced abandonment for the first time. That had been so wounded by it she retreated to silence. Revenge. This version of her wanted revenge on them all.

With a cry, she ignited her anchor, pointing it straight at them.

—-

A sharp crackle of electricity shook Cullen violently awake from his sleep. Horror exploded within him as Lara's quarters were engulfed in a sickly green aura he knew all too well. Flinging his sheets off him, he scrambled to his feet despite his aching muscles and tried to survey his surroundings. He caught sight of her body, tense and arched as she raised her hand above her, unleashing the anchor. She was yelling something he couldn't quite make sense of. Maker forbid she open a rift in her room but he couldn't move towards her. Didn't want to risk silencing her.

"LARA!" He shouted above the currents of her magic.

Nothing. No reaction from her. As if he weren't even there. He held onto his bed frame as if it could offer some means of protection. Against what he didn't dare think about. Her magic wasn't subsiding. Uncontrolled magic was harmful, not just to everyone, but to the mage themself. What it could turn Lara into if she wasn't careful. Nausea curled in his gut at the thought and he shook his head. No, he would not think of it. He would not lose her.

"LARA! WAKE UP!" He shouted again, pleading.

Hopeless. He felt utterly hopeless in what to do. Being a templar had taught him all the wrong ways to handle a mage. It taught him how to oppress them, punish them, contain them. Yet here he was, the woman he loved, a mage, with magic she couldn't control and there was nothing he could do. The risk of possibly silencing her was too much and he couldn't bear it. It would be his breaking point.

"Please Lara," He whispered as he hung his head.

He had no awareness of how long it had been but suddenly, the currents simmered down. The pull of magic lessened. His head shot up to where her body was and soon realized there was another surge of magic surrounding them. Solas had somehow come in and was using his magic to control hers. Shakily, he forced himself to stand as he watched the scene unfold in front of him.

The aura of Solas's magic captured hers, returning it back to her body, back to her anchor. That connection between them echoing loud and clear to Cullen. He was grateful for the elf who studied her magic, who worked closely with her, who visited the Fade with her. Even if it was something he could never have with her, the alternative of her not having Solas destroyed him even more. The green hue subsided and with a large cry, Lara shot up in a panic, soaked with sweat and gasping. Thankfully, no vomiting this time, much to his relief.

Her eyes darted from him to the elf and back again, trying to get a read on what happened. She winced suddenly clutching her arm, as if it answered her question. Cullen knew that anchor was destroying her day by day, and the more her magic wasn't contained, the more damage it was causing her. Was she not attending lessons with Solas? Anger simmered within him at her carelessness but he immediately felt like a hypocrite after what he had done to her.

"My anchor…" She whispered.

"You ignited it in your sleep," Solas answered immediately.

"How did you know?" Cullen asked him.

"You think I haven't been monitoring her dreams?" Solas answered with a question.

Cullen swallowed hard, looking away. Solas had been monitoring his own dreams when he was unconscious. Apparently his nightmares had been mixing his past with his present. Solas had thankfully spared him the details of what he saw, saying no good would come from knowing. That alone made Cullen agree it was best not to know. Too much already haunted him.

"Not a word of this to Vivienne," Lara snapped, but it was pure panic written on her face.

Cullen eyed her suspiciously, but it was Solas who answered first.

"I have no interest in confiding in her," He replied harshly.

"Why her specifically?" Cullen couldn't help but ask.

The panic only increased as Lara clutched onto herself tighter, her face paling as she shook her head. She was fearing something, perhaps something to do with the nightmare she just had.

"Because…she'll send me away. They'll take me away…I can't…I can't go back there. I won't," She spoke shakily as she clung to herself.

"Where, Lara?" Cullen asked as he took steps towards her.

"I won't go back to the Circle. Please…she'll send me there…they'll take me…" She cried out as she shook her head.

Again, that ache in his heart tore at him at her fear. At her panic. Is that what she dreamt about? Was the anchor her way of defending herself? He closed the distance between them quickly, not allowing her another second to continue down that path. He knelt before her on her bed, not bothering to ask permission. She needed him, he knew that. She took comfort in his arms, and that's exactly what he was going to give her. First, he cupped her face in his hands, his face mere inches from hers. He didn't speak until those emerald greens were locked on him.

"Lara, listen to me. No one is taking you anywhere. Certainly, not back there. I won't allow it. And if they ever did take you, I would stop at nothing to get you out of there," He spoke clearly, a rumble in his voice.

Her lips parted in shock at his words, at his tone. His eyes caught the movement and the temptation to taste those lips, to have her tongue dance with his, to remove this distance between them that pained him, caused his blood to sing. Caused his body to come alive for the first time in weeks. He hadn't realized how desperate he was for her until now. Until this proximity.

"I expect you at the College tomorrow morning," Solas spoke, breaking them out of their trance.

Cullen released her, standing up from her bed. He didn't miss the shame in Lara's expression. So she had been missing out on Solas's lessons. That uncontrolled magic had saved his life but now he had wondered how much of it she had repressed since being in the Deep Roads. How much of it was pent up in her body that she was releasing it in her sleep.

"If you don't want to be sent to a Circle, then you need to release that magic before it destroys you," Solas continued.

"Don't threaten her," Cullen defended her, even if the elf was right.

"Name me something else that will work on her and I will oblige," Solas challenged.

"I'll be there. I promise," Lara spoke quietly, but they heard her all the same.

With that, Solas walked off leaving the two of them alone. Cullen ran a desperate hand through his hair. Helpless. So fucking helpless and he hated this feeling. Day by day he was watching her become a shell of herself and there was nothing he could do to stop it even if he had been the cause of it. Retreating back to his bed, he took another glance at her only to find her staring at him, lips parted as if something was aching to be said.

"Talk to me," He urged.

He prayed she would ask him to sleep with her for the night. To hold her in his arms. To feel her skin against his, to warm her skin that was still cold to the touch. To be wrapped up in each other's scent. To sever this distance between him that killed him. Her mouth shut, then opened again. His body stayed on alert, praying she would utter the words he desperately wanted to hear.

"Goodnight," Was all she said before burying herself under the blankets.

He wondered if she could hear the sound of his heart shattering amongst the silence.

—-

The other mages hadn't looked at her with pity. They looked at her with admiration, with welcome, with support. Immediately, she felt unworthy. Undeserving. They didn't know what darkness lay beneath her. What was consuming her. Solas had never been so angry with her before, yet he was still always there. His warm greetings had vanished and she was met with a cold stare from him. She didn't protest knowing it was warranted. Knowing she deserved it. Her magic was too powerful and it was simmering a cold yet angry fire within her, aching her fingertips. If she kept it to herself any longer, it would destroy her. But a part of her wanted it to. Wanted to end this darkness that wouldn't escape. To end the nightmares that gripped her.

"Tap into the emotion and let it activate your magic, let it guide it," Solas nearly whispered.

Solas had been adamant on teaching her today, while the other mages practiced together. Lara shifted her feet nervously. She had kept them so repressed, clung to that hollowness, that she didn't want to wake what lay hidden. Was terrified to awaken it in case it consumed her.

"There's too many," She choked out.

"The most powerful one then," Solas answered.

Was it anger or fear? Did abandonment count? Anger seemed like the safest one, the one she was most familiar with. The one that ignited her anchor most. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath.

"I am here, lethallan. No matter what happens," Solas consoled her.

Somewhere, he had warmed to her again. Perhaps because she was here. His threat loomed over her head but he wasn't wrong. Vivienne would throw her in a Circle herself if she could. If her magic was to become out of control, Solas would be there to control it. To guide her. With a gentle caress, she awoke that anger. The anger she felt towards everyone, warranted or not. Towards Gabriel. Towards Cullen. It was a start.

Without warning, her anchor ignited, causing her to wince at the pull as she grounded her feet, holding her body steady. Shakily she let that anger take hold, let it flow through every part of her till there was nothing of her left and willed it to flow out of her body into her magic. She kept her eyes shut, not wanting to witness how powerful her magic was. How strong her emotions held her. She would welcome the release, but it consumed her with no way out in sight. Just as she feared.

She had given everything of herself to the world. To try and save the world. A role that she didn't ask for, a responsibility that was thrust upon her because she happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yet she was destroying herself in the process. Sacrificing herself for something she didn't want. It had brought her people she loved, people she had grown fond of, but they did nothing to save her. Nothing to save her from those depths. No one had brought her back to the surface. No one had stopped her from going further. They instead watched her die down there. Watched her fall apart. Deteriorate.

Cullen sent her down there. Sent himself down there knowing he couldn't do it even if he believed he could. Just to prove something. He never called for her. Never saved her. She fought for him not to go down there, begged for him not to, only to ignore her. Only to not fight for her and leave her down there. To abandon her. After he promised he wouldn't. She had let him in, let him destroy that wall she built brick by brick, stone by stone. Only for him to get close and…

He left me…he left me…

The realization of what he had done hit her. How foolish she had been to let him in. To give him a part of her she could never take back. Darkness swirled around her, clutching at her. Taint coated her tongue, clogged her nose, engulfed all her senses. Those depths had horrified her, shocked her. The air stopped flowing. Gasps left her body which soon turned into sobs as her magic grew stronger. Her eyes remained closed, not wanting to witness what horrors she created. That darkness was swallowing her whole as her knees buckled, her body too weak to hold itself up, causing her to crumble to the floor. Her mana was depleted but so were her emotions. Harder she cried until she let out a scream in hopes to shatter those depths. She could've sworn she lost consciousness but not until various sets of hands clutched at her first.

—-

She awoke again in the College dormitory, with the female mages surrounding her. Solas stood back, studying her, but he looked at her with sorrow. What had she done? What had she uttered?

"How are you faring, Inquisitor?" A mage asked her gently.

"Please. Lara," She whispered.

"Lara," The mage corrected herself.

"What happened?" She hesitated.

The mages glanced at each other, as if trying to decide who amongst them would answer that question. It was Solas who decided to speak up.

"You are angry with the Commander," Was all he said.

Lara bit the inside of her lip to keep from falling apart again. She tried to desperately remember if she said anything that gave her away.

"You kept saying 'he left me, he left me' repeatedly while you cried," A female mage spoke up.

Lara shut her eyes. So she had spoken, even if she believed it to be in her head. Had her magic really consumed her this much?

"That anger quickly turned into hurt and pain. So much so that you caught Cole's attention," Solas continued.

"You contained my magic?" Lara asked him shakily.

"I nearly did but by the time I thought to intervene, it had subsided. You collapsed and the mages brought you inside the College," Solas answered.

Vulnerability now ate her up causing her to shift uncomfortably. She wished everyone would look away and forget what parts of her they saw. Forget that they even saw her fall apart at all.

"How do you feel now?" Another mage spoke.

Lighter…

Lara nearly smiled at the odd choice of word. But she did feel lighter. As if a heavy weight had dissolved within her. As if that pit of darkness that crawled under her skin had evaporated. Never did she think a light would appear again.

"Lighter," She voiced at the word, sounding foreign on her tongue.

"If I may, Inquisitor," Another female mage now approached them.

Lara looked up at her. She had recognized her as one of the older mages, one who specialized in healing. All she could do was nod, bracing herself for whatever the older mage was going to lay on her.

"Some of us here were in charge of healing the Commander when he arrived at Skyhold. The state he was in, well, we feared he might not make it," The mage started, shaking her head.

Panic seized her. He hadn't told her about this — just one more thing he had kept from her.

"I know you believe he left you down there but he was not conscious for a week after his arrival," The mage continued.

Unconscious…? A week?

Pure horror at this revelation kept her rooted where she lay. The sight of him was evident enough of how bad it had been, how weak it had left him. But never did she think he was on the cusp of life or death. That there was a possibility she would lose him and never got to say goodbye. She shuddered at the thought.

"What were his symptoms?" She dared to ask.

"Night terrors, flashbacks, vomiting, nosebleeds, night sweats, fever. With the night terrors, his body was fighting in his sleep. Soldiers had to hold him down numerous times. We hoped at one point he would awaken, but he didn't. Slowly, we were losing hope. Even contemplated how to tell you should he not make it," The older mage answered.

"He called out for you in his sleep many nights," Another mage added.

Lara's heart skipped a beat at that admission. She had also cried out for him down in those depths.

"What could be assumed as memory loss was also a symptom," Solas spoke.

"What? No, that can't be. He remembered me," Lara gasped, shaking her head.

"When he was unconscious, his nightmares were confusing his past with his present. You were in his past. I had to alter his dreams in order to correct them. It is not something I take pride in doing. I believe dreams should be left untouched but it was an exception I had to make," Solas replied.

"When he was awake, he immediately caught up with the reports he had missed. He only requested the reports on you and what he discovered shattered him," The older mage informed her.

All this information hit her harder than she expected. This whole time she waited for him to save her, only to be led to believe that he abandoned her. Left her down in those depths not caring what happened to her. In reality, he had been unconscious for most of it.

"Why tell me this now?" Lara looked up at Solas.

"It is my fault, lethallan. I was not aware you were this affected by it. I also did not give you the full story nor did I give the Commander any details on your state. When I saw you in the Fade, you were already so…broken. I didn't wish to add to that burden but you needed to know he was ill. That I would not keep from you," Solas answered, but Lara didn't miss the look of regret on his face.

"We tell you this because you did not know the full truth. Do not think poorly of him. He has made a grave mistake, one I am sure he will learn from," The older mage now placed her hand in hers, giving her a light squeeze.

"I hope hearing what I've told you a million times over from other people might influence you," Dorian's voice echoed in the room, causing everyone to look at him. Gabriel stood by his side.

Lara's heart swelled at the sight of him. Dorian had easily become one of her safe spaces apart from Cullen. Someone she also let her walls down for. Someone she needed by her side to survive. Gabriel, on the other hand, she would need to work on that.

"You two really are as stubborn as each other. Don't look at me like that," Dorian pointed a finger at her. "I've scolded him as well."

"He was trying to prove himself, wasn't he?" Lara asked while she twirled her fingers together.

"Unfortunately. He wanted to prove that he could be a better man, that he had overcome his addictions and withdrawals. He wanted to prove to you, my dear, that he wasn't weak. Of course, there's also his men that he wanted to prove it to. He had become so blinded by that need that he convinced himself he wasn't suffering even if he was," Dorian explained.

"You spoke to him?" Lara's head shot up to look at him.

"Yes. And I think you should too, my dear," Dorian offered a small smile.

"First, rest. Your mana needs time to recover. Some food wouldn't hurt you either," The older mage eyed her.

"Stay. Please," She begged Dorian. "You, too," She spoke to Gabriel.

"You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried. I'm too lovable," Dorian smirked.

Solas scoffed at his remark.

—-

Cullen clutched the elfroot tea in his hands as he made his way towards his men. It had been weeks since he had been present amongst them. Before he made such a huge error that nearly cost both their lives. He winced at the thought. The pain still struck him, clinging to him. He wished the withdrawals would have taken him. Would have killed him. Seeing the remnants of her, what he did to her…it destroyed him. And he had no idea how to fix it. How to bring her back. Time. He knew it was the answer but each ticking second that she wasn't back to herself put him on edge. Terrified him.

His body was still weaker, his age making its presence known to him. How he yearned for that power again. That power it gave him. How strong and invincible he was. Immediately he shook those memories from his mind. He wouldn't give into it. Recovery and Lara were his two main focuses. But that failure occupied his thoughts incessantly. He had failed his men, and he had failed her. The withdrawals, the addiction, it had won this time. He would ensure it didn't win another time.

He let the air fill his lungs as he braced himself for what awaited on the other side of that door. The response shocked him. His men quickly turned around once he opened it, and they were on their feet saluting him. Some had even approached him, clapping him on the arm or shoulder. Others had even pulled him in for a hug. A soldier's hug. A sign of respect and admiration. What he had done to deserve this, he wasn't sure.

Rylen. Rylen out of all fucking people pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sorry, lad," He finally spoke.

"No. I deserved every bit of what you gave me," Cullen shook his head.

"I was so fucking angry at you. Seeing her like that…" Rylen swallowed hard, remembering it all.

"Stop. Please. I can't go through it again," Cullen shut his eyes, still gripping his tea.

"Aye, neither can I," Rylen nodded.

With that, Cullen made his way to the desk, his soldiers taking their seats. He shifted through some of the paperwork Rylen had brought in for him. An eerie silence filled the room. So much desiring to be spoken but no one dared interrupt that silence.

"Commander, if I may?" A soldier finally spoke up.

"Go on," Cullen nodded.

"I think I can speak for us all when I say how much we admire you. Some of us are only attempting to quit because of you. You didn't need to do that to prove anything to us. You've inspired us more than enough," The soldier spoke.

Grumbles of agreements went around the room. Cullen looked around at his soldiers as they welcomed him. Clearing his throat, he shifted his feet uncomfortably. How foolish he had been.

"We're just glad you survived. For a second we thought…well, it doesn't matter," Another soldier spoke, shaking his head. "You're here now with us."

Cullen let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. Some of his soldiers had held him down, moved him to his side so he didn't choke on his own vomit. Had kept an eye on him to ensure he survived. He truly didn't deserve them.

"I owe you all an apology. What I did was foolish and I promise you it will never happen again. I was told some of you were by my side when I was…well, not awake," Cullen let out another sigh. "For that, I am forever in your debt."

"We would do it a million times over. Consider it as gratitude for giving us another chance with the Inquisition. For taking us away from the Order," A soldier spoke.

Another round of agreements. He had noted that none of the soldiers mentioned Lara. Normally there was teasing, curious questions, more bets being made amongst them. They didn't speak of her now. His men were well aware of what happened to her, most likely terrified as he was that she would never break out of that darkness she retreated to.

"To work," Cullen nodded and his men soaked up every word, glad to have their Commander back again.

—-

It had been a long and detailed meeting but now was the best time to have it since Lara would be at the College all morning. There was so much to catch up on even if Nicholas had done a great job in the meantime covering for both him and Rylen. The dull ache began to return, persisting at his temples. It would have been worse without the tea.

With schedules set, rotations improved, and the next week training mapped out, Cullen was relieved the meeting was coming to an end. He would have to close it here and retreat back to Lara's quarters to get some rest.

Just recover.

Those words replayed over and over in his head. He clung to them. Whatever she requested, he would do. He needed to be there for her, to be strong for her. So he ensured his presence would be there when she returned from her lesson, just as he had been there for her in whatever way he could think of. Making her baths, cleaning her bucket from the vomit, bringing her food. It was all he could do for now. She would come to him when she was ready and he would always be there waiting.

His mouth opened to close the meeting when a scout bursted through the door, making his way through the room.

"Commander, it's the Inquisitor. I'm not exactly sure what happened but she was in quite a state during her lesson and collapsed. Solas, Dorian, and Gabriel are alongside her but Fiona thought I should report it to you," The scout said hurriedly, trying to catch his breath.

Before he could even respond, his legs carried him away from the desk and out of the room towards the College. He did not miss the fact that his men were by his side, also making their way to her. To be by her side. To fight for her. Their Inquisitor. It warmed him more than he thought it would.

—-

Cullen paced Lara's quarters nervously. When they arrived at the College, Fiona halted them immediately, advising that a group of templars barging in would not be wise. Regardless if they were no longer with the Order. Cullen couldn't argue her point nor did he want to risk upsetting Lara if she was already in a delicate condition. So he waited until they dismissed her, but his nerves were eating him alive.

A sudden click of the door pulled him out of his thoughts. Maker, he prayed it would be her. Fiona had filled him in on the details before she dismissed them and in that moment, he knew what he had to do. Something he had put off for too long. It was time he did this.

Footsteps echoed and he waited, holding his breath. There she stood before him, her body sagged, almost as if she had to drag her weight around. With the weight she lost, he wasn't surprised it was a struggle for her. An exhaustion. But her features looked…at ease. Like something had been lifted from her mentally.

"How are you?" He asked, assessing her.

"Lighter," She let out a small laugh. "It seems that's my word of the day."

That sound. It made his heart flutter. It filled him with hope. Even if it was a dry one, a sarcastic one, it was better than that emptiness. He never thought he would hear that sound again. Without asking, he closed the distance and wrapped his arms around her. Instantly, she melted into him and he muttered a silent prayer to the Maker.

"I hope you don't have any plans for the rest of the week," Cullen murmured as he kissed the top of her head.

"No," She shook her head against his chest.

"Good," He replied, running his fingers up and down her spine, relishing the touch.

"Why?" She asked, hesitant.

"Because I'm going to do what I should have done a while ago. I'm taking you away from here. Just me and you," Cullen answered.

"Ferelden?" She asked, but he could've sworn there was a slight playfulness.

"Of course. I've already packed what we need," He replied.

"Okay," She finally answered.

Another silent prayer to the Maker. She was allowing him in, allowing him to be there, and he would cling to whatever hope she offered. The woman she had been before would have avoided him at all costs. But now, letting him into her quarters, letting him take her away – it felt like she was giving him a chance to make things right. And he would not squander that gift. A second chance.