Actually had to rewrite this chapter a couple of times. Start the fic.
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Dipper and Pacifica stood in front of the doors to Northwest Industries. The air was filled with a thick tension, much more for Pacifica than Dipper.
This was not like with her parents. Her parents she knew. Her parents she could read. Her cousin was a completely different animal. An animal she barely knew.
They barely interacted during family get togethers and even then he didn't seem like anything too different from any other Northwest.
She was starting to get into her own head about when she suddenly felt her hand squeezed. Dipper had a firm grasp of it, giving her a loving smile.
"It'll be okay. He's not your father and there isn't anything he can throw at us that we can't handle together. I mean, just look at what we've prevailed over so far!"
Pacifica relaxed a little. "You're right... You're right! We've beaten everything else, why not this too?"
"And don't forget, we're more in the know than he suspects. Your dad intercepting the bribes and whatnot."
"That's right! Look out, Cos! We're coming in!"
Hand in hand, they walked up the front steps and through the double doors of the building.
To their surprise, Johnathan was actually waiting for them. Patiently too by the looks of it.
"Welcome cousin! And 'Dipper' I believe is what you like to be called? Or would you prefer Detective Pines?"
Dipper let go of Pacifica's hand and put his arm around her waist, bringing her closer to himself.
"Since I'm so close to Pacifica it feels like I'm already part of the family, so why don't you just call me 'Dipper'?"
If Dipper had done this in front of Preston then the man would have gone out of his mind but Johnathan didn't seem bothered at all.
"Dipper it is then!"
"This... Doesn't bother you?" asked Pacifica with a light blush on her face.
"I'm not my Uncle Preston! Who you date is entirely your own business! I am aware that you've been trying to investigate my company though."
Dipper let go of Pacifica and adjusted his pine green hat.
'Looks like we're getting down to the real brass tacts already.' thought Dipper.
"You've gained a lot of wealth while your cousin ended up without a dollar to her name. That alone would have been suspicious enough but we're also in the know that you've been slowing our chances at a warrant with bribery inside the red tape."
"We also know that my father has been intercepting those bribes, there by removing your biggest factor of slowing us down!" Pacifica added.
'He is also probably keeping that money for himself but I'll handle that a different day.' thought Pacifica.
"A misunderstanding!"
"... What? How is bribery a misunderstanding?!" snapped Pacifica.
"Given my Uncle Preston's reputation, I thought the warrant was for an arrest warrant. Not a search warrant! I wanted time to prove my innocence and make my case. Our family doesn't exactly have the 'cleanest' reputation after all. I figured a bit of bribery could buy me the time I needed!"
"... That doesn't mean that it's legal!" countered Dipper. "You've basically just confessed so we could take you in on that alone!"
"There's also your attempts at 'restoring' my inherited fortune! How is that not bribery?!"
Pacifica had tried to keep this little tidbit secret from Dipper because she didn't want him to think she was tempted... but it didn't last long and she confessed everything to him. Ultimately it ended up being just a small hurdle in their relationship.
"I was honestly just trying to help, Pacifica. You're family. If you had read the paperwork you would've discovered that they were legal papers that just needed your signature to make them official. If you don't want to be rich again, that's your call!"
"We could still take you in right now! And nip any nefarious plans you have in the bud by doing so!" accused Dipper.
"There's no nefarious plans!" insisted Johnathan. "The bribes were a mistake. A choice made out of panic. Everything I'm doing here is on the level."
"You still interfered with official government business and can face some very hard time for it. No matter HOW rich you are!"
Dipper had a solid irrefutable point and Johnathan was showing that he knew it too. Still, it was awfully suspicious that the young Northwest wasn't sweating...
"And I will go peacefully, AND name the names of exactly who I bribed and who let me! I will serve any time justified or pay whatever fine I must. All that I ask is that you allow me to show you that there is nothing illegal going on here at Northwest Industries!"
Both Dipper and Pacifica had been in their business long enough to know that when something seemed like it was too good to be true then it often was. Still, Johnathan wasn't really resisting...
"... We need a quick sidebar aside." announced Pacifica.
Dipper and Pacifica took a few steps away and got into a two man huddle.
"What do you think, Baby?" Pacifica asked.
"Technically, he just surrendered so his little show and tell could be considered his terms for it... buuuuuuut..."
"It still feels like a trap! So, what do you think we should do?"
"... We stay on guard, keep the cuffs ready, and play along... For now. We need answers so we'll arrest him at the end."
They broke and faced Johnathan. "Okay, 'John'... We'll let you show us around but when this tour is over we're taking you in!"
"Of course, officer. I will comply without a fuss."
Northwest Industries factory floor...
Dipper couldn't believe his eyes. It was like the weirdness from Gravity Falls had been gutted and plopped onto an assembly line.
There were size changing crystals being used to make diamonds bigger than his head out of pocket sized ones. Brain shrooms were on a factory belt were they were smashed up into a paste and shoved into cans labeled "I.Q. BOOSTERS".
Dipper was in complete shock but Pacifica just let out a tired sigh.
"You... " Dipper finally began to speak. "Can't do this!"
"Oh? Why not?" asked Johnathan.
"All of this is absolutely in true Northwest fashion." deadpanned Pacifica.
"You're taking the weirdness of Gravity Falls and slapping your name on it. I'm too flabbergasted to think of the term for it but there HAS to be something illegal about it! You can't just... INDUSTRIALIZE the weirdness of Gravity Falls!"
"Oh but I think you'll find that I can! Industrialization is what the North does best. If legality is your concern though, then let me put it to rest."
A floor worker came over to them and handed Johnathan a stack of papers. Papers which Johnathan held up for Dipper and Pacifica to read.
"I could never be able to buy up the whole town of Gravity Falls, never! But..."
"Here comes the other boot." sighed Pacifica.
"The forest area AROUND Gravity Falls is absolutely purchasable! And therefore I own everything on it and in it to do with as I please."
Dipper grabbed the papers and started to read through them furiously while Pacifica raised an eyebrow at her cousin.
"And you choose to have it shipped across the country to here? Why not just set up a factory in Gravity Falls?"
"You know the reputation Preston has built for our family over there! The town is united against any new Northwest factories! I tried to set up locally but there was literally no wiggle room! They're taking every action they can against me!"
Dipper looked up from the papers just for a moment to let out a righteous "HA!"
"Well that doesn't mean that weren't still other op... Wait... That gnome is barfing up a rainbow... And you're jarring it?! Why?! Who would want that?!"
Johnathan shrugged. "I don't know. That's for marketing to figure out. Pretty gross though, huh?"
Pacifica's left eye started to twitch. 'Why does my family life always take a weird left turn at some point? Why can't ghost curses and butler cannibalism be enough?'
Dipper finally finished the papers and handed them back to Johnathan.
"It looks like you went through proper channels with this so it COULD hold up in a court of law, MAYBE! There's still a lot to say about context though so don't go thinking you're not in hot water!"
Johnathan wore a smile that Pacifica often saw her father wear.
"Well, we'll see what the judge says then. For now, both of you follow me I can show you our science division."
Northwest Industries science division...
Their next stop on the tour wasn't that far away. They were still on the ground level but the space they were was a lot more opened compared to the factory.
The blue tiled floors gave the vibe that it was supposed to be seen as a giant laboratory. There were a couple cubicles, probably for separate projects, but the most noticeable thing was...
"Is that a giant fucking robot suit?!" Pacifica nearly shouted.
Johnathan held his chin up high in pride. "It most certainly is. For... Construction work. Got the inspiration for it from an old Disney cartoon in the 90's. A woo-hoo."
"Riiiiiiiiight... One question. Why does it look like it's too big to go out any of the exits?"
"Uh yes..." Johnathan bashfully rubbed the back of his neck. "Admittedly our eyes might have been more focused on our goal than our long term steps for that one. We're only human after all."
Pacifica expected her partner to rant about such an obvious design flaw but he was oddly quiet. This was because the detective had wandered away from her, the robot suit being more of an after thought. Dipper's attention was actually more focused on the windows.
"... These windows remind of two way mirrors. The kind police use for interrogation rooms."
"You have a very sharp eye." complimented Johnathan. "They are very similar to that. While we find our scientists usually work best with natural lighting, we still can't afford to be careless on the grounds of corporate espionage. So the only thing that truly seeps in is sunlight..."
"But prying eyes can't. My Great Uncle Ford did make additions to the periodic table of elements... I guess it's nice to know his discoveries are being utilized."
'If you can ignore the hidden Northwest agenda.' thought Dipper.
"Oh so your Great Uncle is THAT Stanford Pines? I don't suppose he'd be willing to work for..."
"Not likely!" interrupted Dipper.
"A pity. Moving on..."
Johnathan lead them to one of the few cubicles where Dipper saw an item from his past he thought was gone forever.
"Wait! That's..."
"A dirty yet curious rug that my men found at the Gravity Falls dump. I know it doesn't look like much but I assure you, it can give quite the alarming shock."
"Yeah, no kidding! That's the Electron Carpet that made me and my twin sister switch bodies when we were twelve!"
The scientists in the cubicle were trying to scrub it clean but as soon as they heard what Dipper said they dropped it with alarm.
"This thing swaps electrons?!" one scientist exclaimed.
"We just thought it held an irregularly large static charge!"
Johnathan narrowed his eyes. "Strange... I thought the Electron Carpet was supposed to look different."
Dipper gritted his teeth and got closer to glare Johnathan in the face.
"And exactly HOW do you know what the Electron Carpet looks like, LET ALONE WHAT IT IS?! In fact, how did you find out about ANY of of this stuff?!"
"Well that would be thanks to top scientist. He introduced me to all of this 'weirdness' and told me how we could make a fortune off of it."
"We should meet him! Now!" Dipper all but snapped.
"... If you insist. Follow me."
They followed Johnathan to a staircase that lead to the next floor. Pacifica and Dipper hung back to whisper strategy outside of Johnathan's ear range.
"Dipper, are you okay?" whispered Pacifica.
"No! I'm not okay! He's buying and selling the weirdness of Gravity Falls that people aren't even supposed to notice! I don't understand how this could happen!" Dipper harshly whispered back.
"... We do have enough to bring him in. Want to just cut the tour short and arrest him?"
"... No. I need to know! I need to know how this scientist knows about these things! It isn't Ford and McGucket is dead, so who on Earth would be in the know?!"
Johnathan lead them to a small door, easy to mistake for a broom closet.
"He's right through here."
Dipper and Pacifica shared a look and then nodded at each other. At this point in their relationship, they could communicate with each other with just a look. To Johnathan's surprise, only Dipper walked through the door.
"What? But I thought both of you would..."
"Don't worry. My man can handle this bit by himself, you and I on the other hand have some family business to take care of. A war on two fronts you could say."
"... If course. I am an open book to you! Just as I have been so far."
Pacifica leaned against the wall and smirked.
"Not bad, Cos. You're almost as good of a liar as my parents. There's a massive hole in your story though that you've been blind to though."
"I... Have been on the level with you the whole time... but in the spirit of friendly beginnings I'll play along. What's the hole?"
"Did you think that I would forget? What you, specifically, did to me?"
"... I... I didn't do anything to you!"
"That's where you're wrong, Cos. There's one hole in your explanations you've overlooked. Back when Dipper and I were pretty early in our career together, we had a surprise visit... From my father!"
Johnathan's surprised expression was priceless to Pacifica.
"He told us about how you refused to restore the family fortune unless he did a little digging on Dipper and myself. He was way too humiliated to be lying, he was undeniably caught! So tell me, if you're so innocent in your endeavors then WHY would you want information on us?! Especially to the point where you would send in my own father to spy on me?!"
Omake
The room itself had wall to wall monitors but at the end of it was a chair. A swivel chair sitting in front of the biggest monitor of them all.
Dipper reached for his gun.
"As a government appointed officer of the law, I am hereby ordering you to slowly turn around for an interrogation!"
The chair slowly turned...and there sat Gideon Gleeful. His hair was still tall and poofy, he had grown a Thor like beard, and had ditched the rhinestone cowboy look for a lab coat.
The most noticeable thing about him though was that in all the years since Dipper had seen him...
Gideon had not grown at all. He was the same size from when they were twelve.
Dipper laughed. He bent over, holding his gut, laughing at his former childhood nemesis.
"HAHAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HAHAHAHA! ALL THESE YEARS AND YOU HAVEN'T GROWN AN INCH! HAHAHA! YOU'RE STILL 'LITTLE' GIDEON!"
Gideon's face grew red with anger.
"IT IS CALLED 'DWARFISM' AND IT IS NOT FUNNY!"
Dipper started to calm down. "You're right... You're right... Hooo... ... I'm sure every other person with dwarfism is MUCH taller than you! HAHAHA!"
"Grrrrr!"
Here's a little secret in true GF fashion: Gideon technically doesn't have dwarfism. A magic experiment backfired shortly after Dipper and Mabel left town and he got stuck at that height. He's just using dwarfism as an excuse.