[The story begins at the Mystery Shack with Dipper and Mabel in the gift shop]
Stan: How's it lookin' out there, kids?
Mabel: Like two more satisfied regulars, Grunkle Stan.
Stan: I ain't interested in same old regulars, Mabel! So I took out an ad in the Gravity Falls Examiner to bring in some new customers! 'Twas a bargain too. [Mabel takes a magnifying glass and looks at it] Only cost me a nickel. So tell me now, boy. How many new customers we got out there so far?
Mabel: Oooh, uh, let me see. There was... none.
Stan: What?! What do you mean none?! Don't these people read the paper?! [walks outside to the newspaper carriers, blows on one] Oooh, this thing hasn't been touched in months. [notices the other one, and there is a long line] While that paper's sellin' like Merchandise. Uh... pardon me, sir. Could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner, this fine day?
Tyler: Ha! Nobody reads the Examiner, bud. It's all full of boring charts and facts! [opens the newspaper door] The Gravity Falls's gossiper where it's at! It's got like, interesting stories and stuff.
Stan: [reading the newspaper] "Gnome Gangs Strikes Again"? [not reading] Wait a minute, aren't these stories a little less than truthful?
Tyler: Ah, I don't know. But they're sellin'!
Stan: Yes... they certainly are. [a lady puts in a coin to get a newspaper] Please, allow me. [opens the newspaper door]
Tourist: Thank you!
Stan: No, thank you. [closes the newspaper door] Now, let's see how much they charge for advertising'. [screams] 25ยข per word?! The newspaper business sure is easy money! [his fez cracks and underneath it, but in money form] That gives me an idea! [The money falls out of place. Scene cuts to the next day at the Mystery Shack as Dipper and Mabel walks in.]
Mabel: What a fantabulastical day! Eh, Wendy?
Wendy: Yep, another wonderful humdrum day. [Mabel walks into the gift shop, but hits her face on something.]
Stan: Off of your duff, kids! You think I spent all last night assemblin' this printin' press, so you could laze around all day? From now on you'll be twice as busy. And I expect you to wear 2 hats. 'Cause along with your usual cash register' duties, you're and your brother my lead reporter for the new Mystery Kronicle! [A press badge on Mabel is shown]
Mabel: Oh, my very own press badge!
Stan: That's right, kid! And here's your very own camera! So you'll need it to document all them juicy stories you're gonna write. Now what are you waitin' for, kid? [cuts to Dipper and Mabel walking down the street]
Mabel: On the thirst for a juicy story, eh? Hmm, but what kinda story is juicy enough to quench their dry news gullets? I don't even know where to begin to look. [there is a bank robbery going on, two tough guys destroying someone's car with fire in the background, and a monster] No news to report here. Stop the presses, it's Soos! And he appears to be waiting for the bus! This is the kind of breaking story my readers are waiting for! [takes a picture of Soos] Soos Ramirez, I'm Scoop Pines from the Mystery Kronicle. Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?
Soos: Oh, I'm not takin' a bus, Hambone. I am watching this pole. So the next time it moves, I will see it!
Mabel: Whoa, this story is juicy! [cuts to the Mystery Shack where there is a sign that says "The MYSTERY KRONICLE" on it. Dipper and Mabel is writing on the typewriter, then puts it in a pile of papers, then finished the headline for the paper, then puts it in the printing press. Stan walks in]
Stan: What a money-tastical day, eh, Wendy?
Wendy: Yeah, I'm just breaking it in.
Stan: I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too.
Wendy: We haven't sold any papers today. [as Dipper and Mabel drives a wheelbarrow of newspapers]
Stan: What do you mean we haven't sold any newspapers?! Certainly this gentleman would like a copy of the Mystery Kronicle.
Tourist: Looks boring. How much are these T-shirts?
Stan: Too boring? [looks at the paper] Kids! [The MYSTERY KRONICLE sign on the Mystery Shack shakes] What's the meanin' of this?!
Mabel: Meaning of what, Grunkle Stan ?
Stan: "Local Resident Watches Pole"?
Dipper: I told you Soos watches pole is boring
Stan: No one's gonna pay to read this malarkey! When you write these stories, you gotta use a little imagination, kids.
Mabel: Imagination!
Stan: Yeah! Maybe instead of "Man Watches Pole", you could say somethin' like, oh... "Man Marries Pole." Then you can alter the photo a little to fit the headline and... see? [modifies it to look like what he said] Now that's a juicy story!
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, isn't that lying?
Stan: Don't think of it as lyin', kid. Think of it as, uh... a practical joke. You know. Somethin' everybody can have a good laugh about. The public expects a little embellishment here and there, so I want ya to go out there, and get me a lead story that'll sell! [cuts to an intersection, and Dipper and Mabel is hiding behind a trash can. Lazy Susan pulls up, and then a policeman pulls up behind here. Mabel takes a picture, and both of them look around]
Mabel: [laughs] Lazy Susan is gonna laugh her hat off when she reads this! [cuts to a newspaper that says "Lazy Susan in High Speed Chase"]
Stan: "Lazy Susan in High Speed Chase!" I think you finally done it, kids! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! [everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Wendy hands Harold a copy]
Mabel: Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.
Stan: That's called editorial privilege, pumpkin. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story possibly affect Lazy Susan in any way? [cuts to Greasy's Diner]
Lazy Susan: I can't believe such a little news story could have ruined my business! [cuts to Dipper and Mabel hiding in a chimney, looking through binoculars]
Dipper: Let's see what there is to see. Wait a minute. Lee. Hmm, wonder what kinda dirt he has under those muscles. [goes in the chimney, then hides behind a dumpster] Uh-huh, this looks shady, very shady. [Lee walks up to Nate]
Nate: Lee, hey, tough guy! Can I punch you in the gut?
Lee: Sure. Everybody does; it won't hurt me a bit. [Nate punches him, and Dipper takes a picture, then one of him putting his arms on his chest, then Lee laughs] Told you it wouldn't hurt.
Nate: Uh, thanks.
Lee: See you round.
Mabel: [writes on paper] Very interesting... [cuts to a gym, and the teacher is pushing Lee out]
Gym Teacher: Out, out, out!
Lee: Hey, what's the big idea?
Gym Teacher: This! [hands him the newspaper]
Lee: [reading] "Lee Gets Beaten Up by Pipsqueak"? [tries to explain to his teacher] But, but-but...
Gym Teacher: [rudely interrupts] No buts! I can't have a wimp like you destroyin' my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! [throws him out, then Dipper and Mabel walks]
Dipper: Hello Lee.
Lee: Not now, kid. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!
Dipper: Ruined? What are you talking about?
Lee: These lies someone wrote about me. [shows them the paper, and Dipper and Mabel gasps. Scene cuts to the Mystery Shack]
Stan: Thanks for your business! And here's your paper. [hands the tourist the paper]
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, can I have a word with you?
Stan: Make it quick kid; these papers are sellin' faster than we can print 'em!
Dipper: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.
Mabel: Dipper right we write lie on a newspaper that it's not true.
Stan: Well, they're certainly doin' me some good. [shows him his office, where there is a lot of money] Can you believe it? Look at all this loot! [sits in a pile of money]
Dipper: Yeah, but isn't there a way we could write juicy stories without hurting people?
Stan: Ah, you just don't get it, do you, kid? We're not hurtin' anyone. We're just makin' their lives interestin', for everybody else! [pushes Dipper and Mabel out] Now get out there and fetch another story! [cuts to Gleeful's Auto Sales. Bud Gleeful: (Sounds airhorn three times; to customers:) Friends, I wish I was a highway so I could have the honor of being rode upon by automobiles as fine as these ones right c'here. (pats a car; a hubcap falls off and possum leaps out of the hood and hisses) Engine possum at no extra charge. ]
Sheriff Blubs: I think not. Bud Gleeful for using used car I'm officially closing down your business.
Bud: Why?! I haven't done anything.
Sheriff Blubs: [flatly chuckling] That's not what this says. [shows Bud the paper]
Sheriff Blubs: [reading] "Bud's Gleeful car Made of Your car? Gleeful's Auto Sales cars is made with plutonium your friends in more ways than one?!" [not reading] What?! [Blubs close down Gleeful's Auto Sales] Who's to blame for this? Who?! [Dipper and Mabel is watching, and then walks away, scene then cuts to a long line, and Stan is in his office with more money]
Stan: You're reachin' new levels of imagination, kids!
Dipper: Yeah, I... I know.
Stan: What's wrong, kids? You sick or somethin'?
Dipper: Yes, Grunkle Stan, you could say that.
Stan: Don't be silly, kid! We're a success!
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, we're hurting people!
Stan: Oh, baloney! And you better start feelin' right, 'cause if you don't, you can just kiss your journal and grappling hook goodbye!
Dipper and Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you wouldn't!
Stan: Oh, darn tootin' I would! Now get out there, and bring me a juicy one!
Dipper: [sadly] Yes Mr. Mystery. Mabel: Yes Grunkle Stan [cuts to Pacifica is sitting on the beach chair reading her magazine , and is about to read it , then she notices two science people carrying a box with awards in it]
Pacifica: Hey This is a private property of northwest manor.
Dennis: I had no idea it talked. Don't worry. We're from the Gravity Falls Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your northwest awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? [holds up newspaper]
Sadie: It can't even read. Why are you-?
Pacifica: Oh, gimme that! [reading] "Pacifica Northwest or Pacifica Worthwest? Bushy tailed rich girl really a slow-witted blonde, by... Dipper and Mabel Pines?!" [throws the paper down] That Pines Twins thinks she can do that to me?!
Dennis: Oh boy, we better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent! [the two scientists run away while Pacifica is growling. The scene cuts to the Mystery Shack, where there is a huge line, and a sign that says over 5 billion copies sold, and Stan has even more money, and is in his office with Dipper and Mabel, and is laughing]
Stan: You really outdone yourself this time! [his eyes water up.]
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, I can't write these stories anymore.
Stan: Come on, that's a buncha hooey!
Mabel: I've seen people's lives ruined, with my own eyes!
Stan: People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little noggin to come up with the wildest story ever, one that'll top all the others!
Dipper: Well - gee Grunkle Stan, I've written about everyone in town. Any ideas?
Stan: Surprise me. Give me a shocker! [throws them in his chair] Good night, kids. I'll check on you tomorrow morning'. And remember, the wildest story ever! [leaves]
Mabel: Oh, the wildest story ever, huh?
Dipper: What are you talking about Mabel? (Mabel whispering to Dipper ear and Dipper start laughing.) [Dipper and Mabel starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed and Stan runs in]
Stan: How's it going', kids? [Dipper and Mabel turns around, and they are very tired]
Mabel: Ah-ah-ah! It's a surprise.
Stan: Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing'. [runs outside, and there is an angry mob] Huh?
Hank Wife: Taskmaster!
Stan: What's goin' on?
Hank Wife: You should know! [shows him the newspaper]
Stan: [reading] "Stan Overworks Employees? Reaps Reward?! Mystery Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, underage reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough?!"
Hank Wife: How could you do that to such an innocent child?! That is sick and inhumane!
Pacifica: [stands up for Dipper and Mabel and accuses Stan for what Dipper and Mabel went through] Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!
Bud: I lost my business because of you! And I thought my son was evil.
Lee: All the kids in town wanna beat me up for lunch money! [cries]
Lazy Susan: And I've had to go back to watching... [starts to cry] daytime television!
Hank Wife: Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back! [everyone runs in, and each takes a bag of money while leaving a trail of destruction]
Stan: No! Ahhhhhh! [screams and starts to cry]
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, are you okay?
Stan: How can I be okay when my money's gone?! All gone! [cries, then sighs] It just goes to show, tryin' to make an easy buck doesn't pay. [notices the printing press]Or does it? [puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money] Get me some scissors, kids! It's time to use my imagination!
Soos: [while wearing fancy clothes] Hey dudes. Can you fix me and the wife up a couple of Sandwiches? [Soos's "wife" is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier. Dipper, Mabel and Stan are shocked, as the story is now over]