Burning Embers
All Vader can see is the red tinted ceiling and floor of his prison cell at the Citadel. It's all he's been able to see for... a long time now.
He's been in cells before but it's different when it's because he's imprisoned by his own master. By the only person he really has anymore – not that he didn't ask for it in an attempted betrayal that he really should have thought through more – but at least before there was always a chance of escape. Or a chance at being rescued.
Now, when he's stuck limbless on the floor and unable to move, the only chance at a way out lies with the other Jedi in the cells alongside him.
The seven others who are here all he now has. But in truth, it's more than he's had inso long.
The Citadel is used for breaking Jedi. So maybe that's where he really deserves to be forever after everything he's done, but the others don't.
He's mostly lost in his own mind, in the Dark currents of the Force flowing around him when he suddenly senses something.
He can always sense it when the Inquisitors come to torture the others, to try and break them.
He can feel the pain now and it fuels his own anger and – and hopelessness because he's a Sith and he's supposed to finally have strength to do something but he's still helpless to do anything about this. He can't even move.But the pain he's sensing now suddenly feels far worse than normal before he feels the blank void of someone dying.
He feels the way one of his newly forming bonds suddenly snaps.
There's a moment of absolute stillness.
He won't risk reaching out with the Force now when the inquisitors are here. He doesn't need them to sense it and for his master to consider taking more measures to ensure he can't communicate with the only people he has left.
They're supposed to each be in isolation here. No one knows that they're not.
It's a few long moments before he can feel some of the darkness in the Force begin to recede – assumably, the inquisitors are leaving.
A few light knocks echo against the wall of his cell.
Trilla Sundari.
She's using their invented code, asking if he's okay.
Not as if he can knock back, which he had to tell her the first day here. If he could, he would've fought to free them long ago. That was probably his master's point.
Vader reaches outwards, for her mind. "I am fine. But Koth is not."
"I know," Trilla's voice echoes back through his mind. She sounds panicked, "Rael keeps trying to reach him, but he's not answering."
She's in denial. Vader can understand that but with how everyone around him inevitably dies, he should have known this coming. He did, really. But that makes it no easier to face even when he knows trying to hide from it will change nothing.
The one thing about how these are the first... friends of sorts he's had since he lost his entire family means he has someone else to lose again. And now it's happening – it's a deep-seated never-ending terror that's haunted his every moment and he knew it could happen, He just thought... thought it would be longer. Thought If any of them died, it would be him first.
Vader reaches outwards further, to the one on the other side of Trilla's cell.
Mill Alibeth.
He met her when she was only ten, still a youngling at the Temple. It was before the war, Anakin's first mission as a Jedi. She'd been struggling with her unique connection with the Force, that let her feel others' emotions so strongly. She couldn't handle the thought of fighting and she'd chose not to become a Jedi Knight.
She must be about seventeen now.
Vader wonders what she looks like now. He hasn't seen any of them.
"Mill?" he asks quietly, voice whispering into her mind.
He feels her respond, reaching back. She used to feel so soft and light in the Force . Now, there's a lingering depressed darkness over her that everything carries. "I felt it," Mill whispers back, "He – he's gone."
She's crying.
Vader wishes there was something, anything, he could do to help. There's not. Offering comfort isn't something he knows how to do anymore. And this isn't something he can make better anyway.
He senses Cere nudging his and Mill's minds at once. She's in the cell on the other side of Mill – and it's also as far as Vader can reach down the lien of cells. There's Force dampeners in all of them to prevent them from reaching outwards. His strength in the Force means he can reach three cells away. The others can only reach one person on either side of them. So in that way, he's fortunate.
Except that he's always hesitant to reach out for Cere himself.
He tortured her.
The Inquisitors found Trilla because of the information he got out of Cere.
He really, really does deserve to be stuck in the Citadel forever.
"Rael can't reach Koth anymore," Cere tells them both and Vader can sense her pain.
Rael Aveross – former padawan of Count Dooku – is on Cere's other side and Koth was once on the other side of that.
Koth who was also there because of him.
The pain of his suit is a never-ending exhaustion but sometimes he's glad for it. He deserves it. Deserves to be hurt.
"Rael says he keeps on trying to reach Barriss but he can't," Cere adds.
"He will not be able to," Vader points out bluntly.
"I can see still feel Barriss and Windu," Mill says quietly, "Somewhat. They're okay."
There's a pause of silence and Vader's pretty sure Mill's repeating what's happening to Trilla.
"They might be okay right now but that's never going to last," Trilla says miserably, "And we won't be able to talk to them anymore."
Messages from the two of them were never transferred to Vader much but the knowledge that they were still in this together with him meant... something.
It's still sometimes jarring to know that Windu survived.
And Barriss. She was an Inquisitor for a while until she disappeared, only to be recaptured and imprisoned here.
"At least they will have each other," is the most Vader can offer. Because there's really nothing else anyone can offer.
The silence that falls after that is tense and heavy.
It's probably been hours.
Vader doesn't really know. He has no sense of time here. How much time passes hardly matters anyway when they're all going to die anyway. It's only a matter of time.
Cere's the next to speak and she sounds completely incredulous and scandalized. "Rael's asking if anyone would like to role play as a distraction."
"Is heserious?" Mill asks, apalled.
"I do not believe that will help right now," Vader replies flatly but reaches out for Trilla, repeating Rael's suggestion to her.
He truthfully has no idea how Rael manages to keep his cheer more than anyone else. Or maybe it's just that he's one of the oldest and is trying to hold together for the sake of everyone else.
"How is that going to help anything?" Trilla about yells. It sounds like she's about to cry too now.
"Well, he is not wrong that it would be distracting."
"I don't care." He hears a loud thump. He's fairly certain Trilla just punched the wall. Or kicked it.
He's almost jealous.
"I know this isn't going to help right now," Cere speaks again, "But he says that when Qui-Gon was young and they went on the same missions sometimes, they used to play the stupidest games as a distraction. Not long after Qui-Gon became a padawan, when he was twelve, they ended up in the middle of a war and it was a good distraction from the violence. Dooku found it a little amusing even if he – these are Rael's words – unfortunately could never be persuaded to join."
Vader tries to picture Dooku playing.
He could almost laugh under other circumstances.
It's strange to hear Rael speak of Dooku's human side. The mand id raise Qui-Gon so there had to be something good in him but it's still hard to imagine it now.
It's also jarring to imagine Qui-Gon ever being twelve.
Sometimes, when Vader focuses, he's certain he still can sense Qui-Gon, watching them.
He must be so, so disappointed in him. Who wouldn't be?
"I just don't think now's the time for that," Mill says and he can feel her exhausted sigh mentally.
"What we need to be doing is finding a way out," Trilla says.
"We have tried," Vader points out tiredly. "And we have come up with nothing." If he could move, it wouldn't be a problem but he can't.
"We did have one idea," she points out.
A chill unrelated to the Dark Side runs through Vader.
"Trilla," Mill whispers in silent protest.
"It's the only way."
"If you give in the inquisitors and agree to become one of them, there is no saying what they will have you do to prove your loyalty," Vader replies grimly, "And then it will be too late to back out. You will never be the same again."
"What if it's a risk I'm willing to take?" she asks. She sounds scared, but she's also too stubborn and desperate to back down. He's felt the darkness growing in her for a long time. He's almost surprised none of them have broken entirely yet.
Maybe it's just that no one is as weak as him.
"Trilla, you don't know that this is going to help anything," Mill protests. She sounds even more afraid.
"I'm not going to let anyone else die."
Once, Vader thought doing the same himself would help something. instead, he destroyed everything in the process. That doesn't mean Trilla will but he still fears for her. And yet, he also knows that she's not wrong.
One day, someone is going to break eventually.
And others are going to die.
It's only a matter of whether or not they try to control how it happens.
"Whatever happens," Vader tells her firmly, "Whatever the Inquisitors tell you and have you do, remember that we will always stand here with you."
"We will," Mill whispers and Vader's pretty sure she's crying again.
It feels relieving in some way, to be able to make that promise to someone – the one thing no one would ever do for him. Not that he deserves it.
"I won't forget," Trilla promises.
And that's when Vader suddenly senses approaching darkness, swirling in the Force. The inquisitors are coming back.
*w*
The Inquisitors take Trilla.
Where she's gone, Vader has no idea. He reaches out with the Force, keeping a constant open connection with Mill and nudging her in silent comfort, the most he can truly give.
He doesn't know how Trilla and Mill could even be separate from each other anymore.
He doesn't know what he'd do without them either. She has to come back. This has to work.
It's not until the next day that something happens.
Vader senses Trilla coming back, along with a couple other inquisitors. And then he senses the sudden surge of pain from Cere.
They're making Trilla torture her master.
He knew it would be something unspeakable they forced her to do to prove her loyalty to Sidious, the Empire, and the Dark Side. Something she could never truly get over. He still didn't quite expect it to be that.
He wants to say something to Mill but talking right now would not be a good idea. So all he can do is wait, with steadily growing helpless fury over what Sidious and the inquisitors and himself have caused.
It's a long time before the Force finally quiets.
Trilla's Force presence is raging like a storm but he doesn't dare reach out for her, no matter how much he wants to.
He waits until the Inquisitors are gone before very cautiously reaching out for Cere. He hardly ever does. Doesn't even know what he's trying to offer, really...
She just shies away from him.
He should probably have expected that. It still makes the guilt gnawing at him grow deeper. He should've been the one to destroy himself to get them out, not Trilla. He would have offered in a heartbeat if it were even something he could offer.
"Mill?" Vader asks instead, receding from Cere and focusing on Mill.
"Here," she whispers. She's definitely crying again.
Sometimes, it feels like that's all she does anymore and it's so unlike the person she used to be.
He just nudges her lightly in the Force, offering his slient presence. There's nothing else he can do.
"I felt Trilla," Mill says finally, "You were right about what it would do to her. She's not doing well. I'm... worried about her."
"So am I," he replies quietly, "But she will always know she has us to return too."
He can hear Mill's sigh. "I know."
She's quiet for a long pause. "What are we going to do when we do get out of here? We don't have anywhere to go. All the Jedi are still gone. My master is still gone."
Memories of Operation Nightfall flit through his mind. It's one of the nights he never wants to think of again. Both that and what came right after.
But he then he thinks about all the fallen Jedi who have killed so many for vengeance after Order 66, and... He knows the Jed's fall was inevitable, but that's not something Mill needs to hear right now.
"We will figure something out, together," he promises. He knows Mill had to survive for years on her own after the Empire formed. She's mentioned it a little in the past weeks that they've been held here.
She sighs again. "I just don't understand why any of this happened."
"Regardless of what roles anyone has... played in it, the Force had it's own reasons for how things have come. There is a reason we have survived. This has all happened for something, even if we may never understand it. And if we were all to be lost, I do not believe the Force would have... led us to this point."
He never thought of any of it quite like that until he's saying it to Mill. Bu the one thing that he's never lost in is the Force, or is his belief in it, even if he uses it differently now. And it... gives him the faintest thread of hope himself. He can't fathom deserving to be out of here but maybe the others will at least be able to make it out and right now, that means everything.
Mill's quiet for a long time but he can sense that she's feeling at least a little better.
He feels the slightest nudge from Cere again finally and reaches back tentatively. "I am sorry," he tells her finally, because he doesn't know what else to say.
It feels pathetically inadequate.
"I know." She sounds entirely worn, even mentally. He has no idea what state she's even in physically anymore.
They just leave it at that.
This entire thing was his fault. He could have saved all of them, but he didn't, because he's an idiot, and it's just like everything he touches, he inevitably manages to irreparably break in ways he didn't even know were possible. When he became a Jedi, he never thought he would see the day where they were all gone.
And right now, he wants nothing more than to do the same to the Sith and everything he ever put into to build the Empire.
For now, all he can do is try to cling to that flicker of hope himself because after everything he has lost, it's hard to believe he's not about to lose everything all over again.
*w*
It must be some time in the middle of the night when Vader wakens to noise in the hallway. The door to his cell suddenly snaps open to reveal a black-haired girl in Inquisitor clothes outside.
Vader twists his head in an effort to see her. "Trilla?" he asks. It must be her.
She breathes in sharply, staring at him. "I know you said your condition wasn't good, but I didn't realize..." She shakes her head. "We need to be fast." He can feel her emotions raging like a storm, but the strongest is definitely fear. A fear that Vader and all of them know so well now.
There's more noise in the hallway and moments later, someone else appears in the doorway, pushing in oms kind of hoverseat. He's older, with hair turning gray.
It must be Rael, though Vader has never seen it in his life. Still, he looks very much like how he imagined.
"You really weren't exaggerating," Rael says, and Vader can feel his horror too. He tries not to think of how uncomfortable it has him feeling. "Anyway," he says, almost as though picking up on that, "I guess I'll have to pick you up with the Force cuz I don't think I'll be getting you off the floor otherwise."
"You will not," Vader promises.
Rael comes over, lifting him with the Force and setting him on the hoverseat. At least it's better than being stuck lying down. Vader moves it with the Force himself and he loathes the sheer helplessness of not being able to move on his own but this is better than nothing.
"I know now's really not the time to be sayin' it," Rael says, "But I've always wanted to meet you."
"You have?" Vader asks, befuddled.
"I wasn't at the Temple when you were growing up, but I heard about all you. Everyone did. You came late, the same as me. But I've never been much help to padawans and with Qui-Gon gone, I... never made it back to the Temple."
Rale accidentally got his own padawan killed – she was mind-controlled and he'd had to kill her to stop her. He mentioned the story only once in passing. But he never wanted another padawan since.
So, Vader can understand that. Although he cannot imagine being forced to kill his own padawan – one truth that held through the entire Clone Wars and even now is that he would never hurt Ahsoka, and nor would he let anything else if he had the power to stop it. She was mind-controlled on Mortis, and he found a way to save her with the Geonosian worms. He could never hurt her. What it would do if he had, he can't imagine. But that is not a kill he would survive.
He still wonders what it would have been like if he had known him. Not that it would have likely changed anything.
Now that he's out in the hall along with the rest of them, Vader actually sees them all the others for the first time.
He recognizes Mill instantly even if she's much taller now than when he last saw her. She's seventeen and fully at her adult height. Her eyes also look haunted in a way they never used to.
Cere he already knows what she looks like, though she doesn't look well. She's walking unsteadily and leaning against Barriss for support.
Bariss looks older too, though Vader could still recognize her anywhere. It's strange how she feels Lighter in some ways then back when she bombed the Temple and framed Ahsoka. It's still not something he can forget.
And yet, it's not as if he's any better. He hurt his family, too.
Trilla's not facing Cere and it seems far too pointed.
Windu is the last of them. He has a wild darkness to him he never used to. His hand is mechanical now. And his eyes narrow a little on Vader when he sees him but he also seems a bit taken aback, probably at his condition.
He told them once, that Obi-Wan did this. They'd never pressed for more details. All of them understood – and accepted – it was not something he could speak of.
Mill's eyes widen with horror too and she runs over to him. "Master," she breathes.
"I am functional," Vader promises her. Now that he can actually move himself again.
She looks disbelieving but she goes over to Trilla next. They share an unreadable look and Mill reaches out, squeezing her hand.
"We must be fast," Windu says, "Sk – Vader was here once before. He should know the best way out."
"I do," he assures provided the layout has not changed much since then just to avoid such an escape, and they take off.
As predicted, they don't make it far before alarms start going off throughout the building. The inquisitors start giving chase and Vader brings down a few walls and exiling to slow them down.
It feels good to get to be destroying this place.
They nearly all get fried by an electrified wall next and Vader delves deeply into the Force, holding back against the current.
Turbolasers activate – as he warns the others they probably would – an Trilla starts taking them out with her lightsaber.
Windu just straight up crushes the rest with the Force.
Definitely darker than he once was. They keep moving.
They take a few short cuts to get to the hangar – ways Vader only knows because of when they planned the last Citadel attack. They run for one of the Inquisitor shuttles, right as six inquisitors run in behind them.
And there's stormtroopers along the way. Vader can see TIE fighters a distance up in the sky, flying in. If they don't get on the ship fast,they never will.
Normally Vader could handle it but right now, he could never last a lightsaber duel. Some of the TIEs open fire and he flicks up a hand, deflecting the shots back and they explode.
The Inquisitors come at them, lightsabers drawn. The only one with a fair fighting chance is Trilla. She runs at them, her new inquisitor lightsaber spinning.
Windu goes at them with the Force alone.
Barriss tries to get Cere to the ship.
"Get the ship in the air," Vader orders Mill and with a hesitant backward glance, she runs.
Rael joins Windu, until the ship is flying, ramp down. They've only taken down one of the inquisitors but another wave of TIEs is incoming. They have to get out fast.
Rael Force-throws Vader to the ramp as he, Windu, and Trilla get on board. Windu and Trilla go to get the guns on the ship as they start flying away.
The still standing Inquisitors try to grab the ship with the Force, pulling it back. Vader counters it and he nearly breaks it until two of them fling their spinning lightsabers at the ship, fully intent on slicing it in half. He drops his hold on their pull, turning to Force-shove the lightsabers off-course.
They don't have time. Three's way too many TIEs approaching now and if they don't leave now, he has doubts they'll make it at all.
"I can handle the inquisitors. Slow them down until you are gone," Vader offers.
"You can't even walk," Rael says, incredulous, "How would you do that?"
"The Force."
"No," he replies, firmly, "I was gonna offer the same about myself and I stand a better a chance."
If that was meant to be a pun, he is not amused. "I will not leave you to die." Hecan't.Not someone else. Not again. He may not be as close with him as he was with the ones he could speak with but he cannot imagine living without any of the anymore.
"You've still got a chance at a life. I'm already an old man anyway." Rael tries to smile but it's tight.
As if he could ever trulyliveagain. And even if he could... "That is not something I deserve to have," he replies bluntly.
Rael turns to look at him. Something on his face looks unusually serious. "I know what you've doneyesbut that doesn't mean you deserve to die here. That won't help anyone, lease of all ofthem." He waves a hand to the others, still on the ship. "Besides, what would Qui-Gon think if I let you die here?"
He doesn't actually want to think of what he'd think ofhimat all. "He is undoubtedly unspeakably disappointed in me," Vader replies flatly.
"I know when he looks at you, he's not only going to see your mistakes. He always did say that no one is ever truly lost, that there is always still hope in the Force."
Is there? Even forhim?
But –
It doesn't matter because he's not going to let someone else make the sacrifice for him. And nor can he understand why someone would ever try this hard to save him. No one ever has.
"I cannot – " Vader begins to protest.
"I let my padawan die," Rael interrupts, "I'm not making that choice again." He flicks up a hand, Force-shoving Vader back to somewhere safer and jumps off the ramp, attacking the inquisitors.
The ramp is closing.
He doesn't see what happens but their ship takes off freely. He still feels it when their bond shatters.
He can hear Mill demanding that they go back but everyone else already saw what happened, probably right out the viewport. There's nothing to go backto.
Someone elsegone.
And the sole cold comfort he can think of is that it seemed to be what Rael wanted. Or at least, he was at peace with it.
Not that it does anything to fill the growing emptiness in his heart.
He didn't know he had one left that could still hurt.
*w*
He still aches. Everything hurts, not as though that were a shock. He always aches, everywhere, always – because the burns never heal, and the hurting never stops. It never stops.
It's just... different now, with other people beside him to take care of him again. He's forgotten what it felt like.
Not that it matters. Rael is dead. He still failed. All of them did. Like being injured has ever stopped him in the past, now he just...doesn't. Anything.
Mill is crouching beside him, expression pinched, eyes wet with tears, though none of them say anything about Rael. The pain is too fresh. Eeth Koth, then him. It... hurts too much to speak of. "We still don't properly have all the parts we need," Mill tells him quietly.
"Even so," Barriss's voice filters in, "I can do what I can to reattach the replacements we made with the hovercart we were able to keep. And the droid pieces."
It's strange to rely on Barriss. Ahsoka trusted her once, and she betrayed all of them. Not as though Vader did not do the same to the Jedi, to his family, and now to his master. He did deserve this fate, but he could not let the others stay at the Citadel.
Mill steps back to let Barriss do her work. Despite being Fallen, she's still good with healing and trying to keep his mind distracted and under sleep for the makeshift operation they're trying to do.
It's strange to have Barriss here. He's talked to her through the others all this time, but it's not the same as seeing her in person, as feeling her presence again. Years, and he's not numb to what she did to his padawan.
But... she is still here. All he has
"It is ironic," he murmurs at last as she works, "To think that we both could have avoided all of this."
Barriss looks up at him, dark blue eyes tired. She always looks tired now, exhausted with a pain that all of them feel. After months of being in solitary confinement, with nothing but dark walls and voices in their heads short of the brief times they're taken out for cycled torture, it was just... empty.
They all have suffered.
Vader is numb to it.
But he just needed out. He stopped caring what meant it came with. He can't anymore. He just...can't.
He knows it makes him weak. But he has always been weak. What is another proof of a fact he spent his life knowing?
"Yes," she murmurs, "It is."
He expected her to fight. Wanted her to, perhaps, because it would make him feel better for hating her when she's all he had all the time trapped in that cell. But she's just... broken, in the way all of them are now.
"I know my words are nothing in the face of what I did," Barriss adds at last, "But I do regret what I did. With the Temple, with Ahsoka, with... everything."
"You ruined her life," Vader spits back, rage coiling within him.
Still the Sun Dragon.
"I know," Barriss replies, "And I would do anything to give it back to her. But it's too late for regrets, for all of us. Our choices were made, the ones we did that hurt so many. We are past those, and we can only make things right in the future."
"Do you truly believe us capable of such action?" Vader inquires disbelievingly. From Barriss, he actually can't believe he's hearing it. If it were anyone else, yes, but she knows the dark better than anyone else aboard this ship. Mill has felt the Dark Side, but she could never truly use it. Windu, Eeth Koth, and Rael were all Jedi Masters.
Cere... is unbalanced, touching the Dark Side, but not Fallen.
Trilla forced her Fall along, but she has never done anything on the scale that Vader has.
Neither has Barriss. But she understands how it felt to attack her home, the Jedi Temple, to hurt her friends.
Trilla... may have done the same, but it still feels different. Perhaps because Vader's emotions towards her aren't so clouded, and that he understands she did whatever she had to if it meant they could all escape, just as they asked her to.
It was a terrible choice, but the only one she could have made.
The same cannot be said about either Barriss or himself.
"I do," she answers firmly, "The Empire wants us to think we can never make different or better choices. That is how they keep us enslaved. So long as we believe them, we will always be the Emperor's slaves. But we can choose differently. We can still choose the Light."
"The Light is weak."
"Possibly," Barriss replies, "But that's not why we choose it. I know that's never why you did. You did it because it was the right thing to do. Or at least," she adds as afterthought, "Because you believed it to be."
How can she honestly think that of him? He hates Barriss for what she did to Ahsoka, but he did so much worse. "There is no Light."
"There is still light," she objects, "I just hope that we can find it together."
It's jarring, Vader decides, to realize that he feels the same.
*w*
Vader was never fond of the idea of Trilla pretending to embrace the Dark Side. He knew it would stop being pretense and start becoming reality, and he was right. He's starting to hate being right. He hates being right. He wishes he usually weren't. But here, with them free, he has to face the consequences of their freedom. Rael dying, having nowhere to go, being on the run from the Empire... and Trilla Fallen.
He knew it was a guarantee, eventually, but facing reality is always harder than knowledge.
This is his fault. All of this was – he could have saved them all. He's the reason they were imprisoned in the Citadel, through some cause or another, regardless of what Barriss tries telling him. She is, too. Ahsoka would hate him, too, if she saw what he's become.
Rael is gone. He'll never hear more of those stories their friend used to tell them, his only remaining connection to his lineage.
Not that it matters, but it...matters.
He finds Trilla, now that his legs are built enough to be movable, even if he still rather lacks arms. At least he can walk. Well, Mill built him an arm, but it's barely more than a metal stick, and is far more of a suggestion than a reality. Still, he deeply appreciates her attempts to do her best to help with their barely existent supplies. He doesn't deserve her kindness. He killed her entire family.
The padawan is kneeling, attempting mediation, the Dark Side swirling around her in a heavy, oppressive cloud. He wishes she never had to feel this pain.
"Trilla," he tries slowly, seating himself carefully beside her.
"Vader," she greets, opening her eyes. They haven't turned yellow, but they still have a darkness that she should never have had to bear.
How does he apologize for something like this? Forcing her into a situation where she had to hurt her master? To betray her way of life, and to months of constant pain? "Everything you endured there was because of me," he says at last.
"You are not the Emperor," Trilla answers evenly, "And I don't blame you for doing what you had to survive. You know none of us do."
"Do not blame yourself for what you had to do to Cere," he requests, though the guilt is still strangling him. What did he do? How could he have done this to them? It should have been him instead of Rael. He can never atone for what he did, but at least he could have given all of these people a chance to live the rest of their lives to the fullest, no matter how damaged they were from their time at the Citadel.
But that's not a choice for any of them anymore. Maybe it never was.
Trilla's face falls at the mention of her master. Vader's seen how much they've been avoiding each other since it happened. "I don't know how I'm supposed to face her again after what I did."
He understands. He thinks the same every time he thinks about Obi-Wan. An all-consuming fear and shame until he can focus on nothing else. "It is the same as you said to me," he replies, "You did what you had to to survive, and to save all of us. Including her."
"But I still..." Trilla trails off, sighing, body trembling. "I hurt her. I hate her. She's why I got captured, brought here, and went through this, but she's still my master, and I – I didn't want to." She's crying now, shaking, and Vader just stares at her, frozen and uselessly immobile. He's so useless now. Like whatever part of him capable of doing anything good died when he cut Windu's hand off – Windu, who is still very much alive and here.
Vader hates what he stands for. He hates himself even more for his failure and for causing so much pain
He thought himself incapable of loving again, but he was wrong. Somewhat. Because these people, he cares for them. And he shouldn't.
His loyalty should only lie with his master, but he cast him away, caged him, and for what?
No. Trilla is what matters now, and he has no way of comforting her. It Is not his expertise. It never has been. He is meant to be feared and to cause harm. Or at least he was. Barriss said he could choose differently. But can he?
"She is still your master," he replies at last, "Regardless of what pain she has caused you, you still care for her. That is natural."
"But I hurt her."
"Yes. And you gave all of us a chance to live. The Jedi way has failed you. But if you were still a Jedi, you would know that it was your choice that saved her life as well as all of ours."
"How do I face her again?"
"If either of us is someone you must blame, it is me," Vader tells her firmly, "I am the one who found you, and had you brought here. Not you, or your master."
"Why?" Trilla asks finally, and he realizes, jarringly, that this is the very first time someone has asked him why. And when in the face of it, he has no idea. There is no excuse for any of it.
"I chose to stand with my master. And when I realized what I had done, there was nothing else left for me. I do not want the same to happen to you."
Trilla's jaw clenches a little. "You destroyed the Jedi."
"I did."
Everyone she is surrounded by now are people that she hates, and there is no other life for any of them now. The Force brought them together for reasons he can't understand, but he cares for them. Perhaps far more than he should. They are the first people he has had in years, and the only distraction he has had for months. This bond they forged together in the prison, with each of them at their worst, is not something that can be broken.
"I wish that there was something with which I could offer to help you," Vader admits at last. Guilt is always a smothering emotion, perhaps the hardest to ever let go of, and the one that always hurts him the worst.
Trilla sighs, still shaking. "You have," she promises softly. "You promised me that if I did this, I would still have all of you, and you were right."
"I know that Cere understands your decision," Vader tells her, "She, no doubt, feels guilt for her own involvement in what happened to you. Even if it was not fully her choice, either."
"I'm glad you were here," Trilla admits, "I..."
He isn't. "I should have saved Rael."
"We all did our best. But we are nothing against the strength of the Empire. I've realized that."
He knows. He doesn't know what to do, but Trilla deserves a break from all of this. She should not have to concern herself with it right now. "Go," he requests, "Speak with your master. Avoiding her will not help either of you. She needs to know that you are well."
Trilla nods, though he's not fully sure she'll listen, and unexpectedly bolts forwards to hug him.
Vader freezes for a moment, stunned, finally slowly raising his own arms to hug her back.
*w*
Not that speaking to Cere is something Vader can at all fault Trilla for dodging. Even he will admit he has been doing the same with Windu. He brings back... memories. None good. And he knows what the Jedi Master wants to do.
In the end, it's Windu who corners him as he works on a replacement arm for himself.
For a few minutes, he just stands in the doorway and watches Vader work.
"I never asked how this happened," Windu remarks finally, gesturing to his limbs.
"Obi-Wan," Vader answers without elaboration.
"He defeated you, and didn't finish his task?"
"Most Jedi would not," Vader replies pointedly. If not for what he saw Windu do, perhaps he would have held firm with the Jedi way. He will never know. Not that it is a matter of importance.
"You are right," he agrees, surprisingly, "But if I had killed Sidious, we could have spared the galaxy."
"Perhaps," Vader answers vaguely. He doesn't know. But it does make him wonder. "Will you kill me?" he asks indifferently. It's more to realize that he doesn't care. The others are safe. It really doesn't matter to him what happens next.
For a long moment, Windu is quiet. He expected an instant confirmation and is confused when it doesn't come. "You are a Sith," he replies at last, "But I have seen, over all this time, that not all Sith are beings of pure evil. Perhaps there's still some good in you."
Vader states at him blankly, confused. "You would believe that of me?"
"You are not what I expected you to be," the Jedi master replies, "I realize that now. It was wrong of your master to leave you like this."
It was? It doesn't feel like it. "Only a small price to be paid for what I have done," Vader answers solemnly.
"That was not the Jedi way," Windu replies firmly, "You may be a threat, but I do not condone what he caused. I felt your pain."
He made it harder for me to hurt, Vader wants to argue, but he doesn't know if that's true, either. If he weren't in constant pain, the Dark Side would be far harder to come to him. Like this, it's all he feels. No love, no hope, nothing but pain and the needles and screws dug into him in so many places. "Not as though even you consider me unworthy of it," he replies dryly.
"It is not a Jedi's place to decide the pain someone's deeds warrants them," Windu tells him flatly, "And, despite what we have endured, I have remained a Jedi."
"The Light did not serve us well in prison."
"It did not serve many well," the Jedi replies, "But that is not why we use it. Or why you used to."
"What will you do now?" Vader asks.
"What will you do?" Windu asks instead.
"I don't know. Truthfully, I did not think I would make it out alive."
"You would sacrifice yourself to free Jedi from an Imperial prison?" He sounds a bit incredulous, but Windu has always done well at hiding his emotions.
"You are all I have had since the Empire," Vader answers honestly, "Yes. It should not have been Rael. It is enough that Eeth Koth is already gone. I thought, perhaps, we could find this daughter he spoke of, and bring her back to her home."
"I see no better way to honor our lost friend," Windu replies finally.
It's strange to think of sharing anything with Windu, but Vader will begrudgingly admit that his life has never been anything short of outright unexpected. Whatever path they walk, they all walk it together.
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! -
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